I really feel like I need a vacation every single weekend. This is the third week of school I think and my son is having a hard time. This is normal and expected and I know this, but it doesn't make it any easier for me.
Every morning once I get him on the bus, I burst into tears. It is always SO difficult. Then I hear how he is doing during the day through text or phone calls. The last couple of days haven't been going as well. It is like he is realizing that this school this IS happening and not going away and he is going to fight against it as much as he can.
I am very very thankful that 1) We have an amazing ABA team working with him. 2) The school is really working with him. Excellent teacher and staff. I really think God made sure we bought a house for this school for a reason. THAT part of it is all working out.
I know how normal it is for an Asperger's child to have trouble with changes in his life and this is a big change. Although he went to preschool last year, this Kindergarten thing is different and he has to go every single day. He was never a really clingy baby or toddler but lately he says he just wants to be with me. I went out for a walk last night and he flipped out. I think he is missing our time together. I can understand that and it is something a lot of new kindergarteners go through.
I struggle with thinking, "If Only..." about my life. I caught myself thinking, "If only he didn't have Asperger's. If only this wasn't such a challenge for him." and then I think about who he is and all the things he is and I get mad at myself for thinking that way. Yes Asperger's is a hard and challenging thing to deal with but it is apart of who my son is. It will never go away and it just means he needs extra help with things like school. He doesn't see the world like I do and that is hard. But he is a great little boy who loves Star Wars and Legos and playing with his brothers.
We were talking about what he wanted to be when he grew up last night. He told me he doesn't want to be a soldier because the Army scares him. I told him he didn't have to be a soldier just because his Daddy was. He could be anything he wanted to be. He decided he is going to grow up and invent new Legos. He already has a couple of great ideas. I told him that sounded like the perfect job for him.
Even though deep down I know he is going to be okay and that he just needs more time to get use to school, my heart has a hard time with it. I feel sad that it is so hard for him. That he can't just enjoy school like his brother does. That little things bother him. Things I might not even think could. And if I am honest I think I really just want everything to go smoothly. I want every day to be a good day for him. I don't want to know he is at school during the day having a hard time. I cry a lot about this because I am his mom and really isn't that what moms do? No matter what situation your kid is going through, if you are a mom and you know your child is having a hard time, you get upset about it.
My son will always have Asperger's. Certain parts of life will always be hard for him. However, he won't always have trouble getting on the bus. He won't always have such a hard time at school. He will learn and figure things out. And I can be there for him. I can support him and make sure he is getting the best care that we can give him. Make sure he is getting the best tools he can be given to succeed.
I really have felt like a basket case lately and I am thankful that I have friends that support me and let me cry to them. This is a struggle but we can get through it. I know that we can.