Honestly, this is hard

My son, my little 5.5 year old boy, my sweet German baby…he has Asperger’s.  If you have read my blog before, you probably already know this.  Sometimes we go through the day just like anybody else.  He has a great day at school, comes home, plays with his brothers, plays some video games, has dinner, plays with Legos and goes to bed.  We don’t have any major issues and other than maybe getting frustrated a few times about a few things, the day is pretty average.

Then there are other days.  Days when I hear how he is having trouble in school.  How he didn’t want to do math that day or how he got mad because the teacher didn’t call on him when he knew the answer.  In his head, if he knows the answer the teacher should always call on him.  In his head if he doesn’t want to do math, he shouldn’t have to.

He has been in school about six weeks now. It is going OK overall.  We are on a good path.  We have a good plan.  But somedays are still not good.  Somedays make me cry.  Somedays I wonder if we will always go through this type of thing.  Will he eventually understand that school is apart of his life?  Will he get how to act there?  Will he understand the teacher can’t always call on him?

The good news is, he made a friend.  A little boy that he calls his best friend.  They talk about Star Wars, Pirates of the Carribeen and Legos.  As his mom, this makes me happy.  One of my biggest fears for him is that he won’t be able to make friends and later on in life have a girlfriend, then a wife and children of his own.  He talks about being a Dad someday.  About how when he becomes a Dad, I will be a Grandma.  But I of course worry because it might not be so easy for him.  As I see him making friends at age 5, I have hope that he will be able to make friends along the way.  That he will have a buddy to hang with.  That someday a girl will catch his eye and he can have a relationship with her.  That someday he can get married and have his own children, if that is what he wants.

Sometimes I feel beaten down.  Like no matter what, I will never be fully able to understand my little boy.  About how I won’t be able to ever really know what it is like to be him.  To see the world as he sees it.  To understand his frustration.  Sometimes I have to remind myself about what he is dealing with and that things that are easy for me, easy for his older brother, easy for most people are very difficult for him.  When I tell myself this, it makes it a little easier.

He was diagnosed about 9 months ago and I am still working on coming to terms with it all.  I am sure that will be a long process.  I might always be working at coming to terms with it.   I take one day at a time.  And I am so thankful for having such a little boy as my son 🙂


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About Julie

WAHM of three boys, wife of 12 years, blogger, photography and book nerd.

  • Jamie

    Hes lucky to have a mom like you to worry about him and imagine his future.

  • jennimiso

    My son also has aspergers, have you ever read Andy cutler book or heard about the experts who link aspergers to heavy metal poisoning specifically arsenic …I read this is possible, just figured I would mention

  • Jen

    You are an amazing mom!!

  • It’s a wild ride, having a child on the spectrum. My oldest (9) has Asperger’s too. I have found that the things that were troubling a few years ago are less of a concern as he’s gotten older and those issues have been replaced with new ones. We’re now into more of the social aspects of it and it’s very frustrating and discouraging to see him struggle. Although we homeschool, we still have struggles with school assignments and following directions. It’s sometimes exhausting but then we have some of those good days that you described and it all feels manageable again. 🙂

    Do you do any kind of therapies with your son? OT or ABA? If so, does it help?

  • Julie- You are such a fantastic mom! Even just reading this post, I could feel how much love you have for your children. You “know” your son, probably better than he even knows himself at this point. Always trust your heart. ~Allison

  • Julie, you are doing such a great job. It’s never an easy job, but you can just tell by the way you talk about him that you pour your heart and soul into raising him and making sure he is adjusting well.

    Hugs to you, girl.

    Motherhood, huh? When does it get easier?

  • Oh Julie,
    I know how we dreamed of being mothers and raising our kids when we were just kids in college. It isn’t all how we dreamed it would be, but it is amazing. I know that you must have hard days and times when you just hurt so much for him. You are a strong woman and an amazing mommy. He is so blessed to have you in his life encouraging him and helping him work through the tough times.

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