When you just can’t talk with your spouse

Love LettersDuring deployments and other trainings it might not be possible to talk with your spouse. You might have to go a few days, a few weeks and in some cases a few months without speaking. This can be frustrating for the spouse at home because we really have no control over it. There can be many different reasons why you can’t speak with your spouse regularly. From them not being allowed to talk to you to having a spouse that isn’t as communicative as he should be.

When my husband is away he is not the best at communicating with us. I have talked to him about it and even though sometimes he tries, it gets pretty frustrating for me.  I am not one to freak out if I haven’t heard from him. I know that if something terrible happened, he or the Army would be contacting me. But I crave that communication with my husband. It grounds me and keeps me going. If it has been over 4-5 days since we have talked I start to feel a little out of it. Like something is missing. I hate that feeling but a simple phone call changes everything.

If I can tell myself it will be a while before we can talk again, it is easier to get through it. The longest we have gone without talking was during our first deployment and we went about 30 days.

I have heard people complain that their spouse calls them too much and I can see that.  In my perfect world my husband would call me every three days and we would talk for one whole hour on a perfect phone connection. Unfortunately that doesn’t happen too often.  Sometimes when he calls I can barely understand him because the connection is too bad.  Other times he can only talk for a bit.  The feeling I get when I pick up the phone and hear my husband say, “Hey, it’s me” is so wonderful.  It is almost as if time stops and you feel like everything is right again.

I also try to remember that a deployment is just made up of days. As each day passes we get closer to homecoming. Once homecoming happens, I can talk to him pretty much whenever I want to again. It is just a short period of time we have to go through where we can’t be with each other and communicate like a normal married couple.  It won’t last forever.

When I really need him and can’t talk with him I do get pretty upset. He is the one I talk to about everything.  I have found that writing him a letter or writing in my journal really helps when I am feeling that way. Just writing it down in general is a good idea. When I am dealing with an issue with one of the kids, I sometimes have to make a decision all by myself. When I can’t ask his opinion, I have to think about what he would probably say about it and make the best decision I can. When my oldest was almost three and having issues with his speech, it was during a time when we didn’t get to talk a lot. I pretty much made the decision to take him in for testing without him. That was difficult but I knew he trusted me to make the best decision about our son.

Do you have trouble communicating during deployments? How do you get through times when you just can’t talk to your loved one?


Image courtesy of [thanunkorn] / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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About Julie

WAHM of three boys, wife of 12 years, blogger, photography and book nerd.

  • I feel the same way. When Sky and my brother were deployed (together), I once didn’t hear from either of them for a week, and was beside myself with worry after we’d be talking every couple days before that. Turns out, the whole group of guys were caught up in some new video game. I’m sure they thought it was funny-and I do now- but at the time, I was so scared. I made them promise not to pull that again!

  • Thanks for writing this. I needed it today. It’s rarely satisfying to Skype or talk on the phone for months at a time. 🙂 It’s always great to know that other people have similar frustrations that I’m experiencing, it makes it easier to try to be mature and patient about it. And it helps me try to look for solutions rather than just stewing, being frustrated or feeling hopeless. It’s good to remember today that this too shall pass.

  • I agree that a phone call can totally lift my mood. I get so grumpy after days of not hearing from my husband. I cannot help it though. But once I hear from him I feel like I can handle everything again.