The Day Before They Leave

hhhhiihDue to OPSEC this post was written many many days before it was posted. My husband is not about to deploy tomorrow.

It is the last day. How did this happen so fast? The deployment was coming up for so long and now it is here. He is at work. They have him at work the day before he goes. Why Army why? You get him for the next nine months, why can’t I have him all day today?

I just want to freeze time…but then I don’t. I want time to move forward but I don’t want to have to miss him while it does.

Nine months. Maybe more. Maybe less. I will take each day at a time, each hour if I have to.

Somedays will be good. We will have fun. We won’t miss him quite as much. Other days will be hard. There will be a lot of tears. It will make it seem like homecoming will never come.

Will he be ok? Will we see him again? These are the questions I have to ask. I have to. Not everyone comes home from war. Most likely he will. The odds are in our favor. But still…I wonder. Is this it? Is this all we have?

I dread tomorrow. D day. The day he leaves. The driving to drop him off. The hugs and kisses. The last kiss. The last hug. Seeing the person I tell everything to walk away is heartbreaking. Knowing they will be in danger is scary. Thinking of living apart makes you cry.

Deployment #4. How did we get here? How is it possible? It hasn’t even been TWO years yet. Uh!

So many emotions. So many feelings.

I dread the first day. Walking around the house, seeing his stuff. Seeing the coffee maker he won’t be using for a while. Seeing his clothes that won’t be worn. Remembering how the night before we sat together and watched that movie. How just a couple of days ago we were out back bbqing together. How last year at this time we were getting ready for a family trip to California.

I think about how much he will miss. Summer. The start of school. Birthdays. Halloween. Thanksgiving. Christmas. All that comes with the holiday season. The snow might come and he will still be over there.

I think about what I will focus on to get me through. My boys. My blog. My garden. My books.

I wonder how much I will grow as a person. I wonder how much he will grow.

And when he comes home this time we will have just a few months before we are done with Active duty Army. Wow. Something that has been apart of our lives for years will be over. That chapter will be closed. I still have no idea what the next chapter will be.

As I sit here, the day before my husband has to go, all I can feel is dread. Knowing that this time tomorrow I will probably be in tears. But also knowing that this time tomorrow is one day closer to him returning.

Who else has started a deployment? Can you relate to any of these feelings?

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  • Adrienne May

    My heart aches for you!

  • http://www.lifewiththelieutenant.blogspot.com Jenn

    Thinking of you Julie, and your three boys as well, and praying that a few days in, it’s getting easier. Please please don’t hesitate to call me if you need anything!!
    Jenn recently posted..I think I’m getting soft

  • http://www.chambanachik-live.blogspot.com Erika

    Thinking about you. So many emotions, but I know you’ll make it through. <3
    Erika recently posted..Let’s hear it for the boys

  • http://www.mywholesomehome.com Rachel @ My Wholesome Home

    My Hubby just left too, on short notice. I’m still adjusting to the fact that he’s leaving except that he’s already gone. It’s gonna be a long 4 months. I’m thankful for the support of my friends and community and people like you going through the same thing.
    Rachel @ My Wholesome Home recently posted..So Much To Do…

  • Pingback: Saturday Ramblings Deployment Edition | Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

  • http://engagedtothearmy.wordpress.com Malori

    *Hugs* Julie! I know exactly what you’re feeling. And that is a good idea about how you wrote this “day before” post. I was wondering how to handle this same type of thing myself.
    Malori recently posted..Military Mondays: PTSD – Erasing the Stigma