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Military No Stress PCS

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Military No Stress PCS

When my husband was commissioned into the Navy 19 years ago, I really had no idea what it would look like. My family had limited military roots and nowhere near the extent of what we were about to embark on. I also was a young 20-something with just a year and a half of college under my belt- not a lot of worldly experience to speak of.

If I’m being honest, most of our early days in the military are now a bit of a blur. We had our first two children during that time and there was a lot of moving back home during deployments which, when you add those things together, equal brain fog. A lot of brain fog.

Children will do that to you on a regular basis. Couple that with the fact that you didn’t always remember what time zone you were in let alone which one your deployed spouse was in will most likely lead to you remembering that time with just bits and pieces of those memories. 

Look familiar? Just one batch of empty moving boxes and paper from our latest PCS move.  

With the support of our families, I moved back home during months-long deployments, which meant I didn’t have a lot of access to military-related resources at a base. While I may not have needed them at the time, looking back, I think about how different my life could have been. Our past few homes have had a large community military presence.

It was only this past fall that I became aware of an organization called Military No Stress PCS. A friend of mine saw they were looking for a military spouse to be the new program coordinator and she thought of me. After a lengthy conversation with MNSPCS founder Rob, I was the newest member of the Military No Stress PCS team. They were truly putting their money where their mouth was in terms of saying they support the military and actually supporting the military.

This program is presently in its infancy, but had it been something that existed when I was a new military spouse, it could have been a very valuable resource. We have PCS’d 8 times in 19 years and I could call myself an old hat when it comes to moving. If I had the opportunity to use this type of help when it comes to finding the answers I needed, you can bet I would use it.  

What is Military No Stress PCS?

 

Military No Stress PCS wants to help active-duty military families. 

• The idea of this program came from a civilian, in the real estate business in Florida, who met a military couple moving back to the States and were looking to purchase a house. During the real estate process, they became friends, and then, through this friendship, the civilian began to wonder about how he could help other military families. From this genuine desire to help military families, Military No Stress PCS was born.  

• At Military No Stress PCS, the commitment goes beyond the actual move and fosters a network of support and fellowship for our military community. Alongside active-duty members and spouses, we are supported by veterans and civilian volunteers,  representing all branches of our military family. It is all about giving back to the military community. 

• The Military No Stress PCS reach expanded to 87 CONUS locations and 12 OCONUS  locations in 2021. 

• Military No Stress PCS is funded by grants and donations and offers a personal concierge service completely free of charge. 

• Military No Stress PCS concierge service basics: they tell us what they’re looking for; whether that’s information on homes, neighborhoods, schools, commute times,  community involvement, local services, etc., and then we do the research and give them our highest recommendations.  

• Since beginning the concierge service last fall, Military No Stress PCS has had upwards of 75 inquiries on a variety of topics, such as housing, pediatricians, overseas orthodontists, school-aged care, and how to find local jobs.  

• Military No Stress PCS simply wants to support those who serve and their families by offering resources at no cost to them. For housing (rentals or buyers), we have real estate agents who are often military spouses themselves and/or are certified Military Relocation Professionals.  

• Military No Stress PCS also employs military spouses and retired military to ensure the recommendations are authentic and come from experienced professionals.  

• MNSPCS hopes to bring military families as many answers as possible for their PCS  questions (including questions they might have even after they’ve settled) and to reach beyond those resources to allow military families to find the same community aspects when moving from location to location, saving families the time and energy revisiting the search with each move. 

The information is out there in a thousand different locations. It can often be found by knowing the right places to search and the right keywords to type in. Sometimes, though, I am just plain tired of searching and that’s where Military No Stress PCS would come in.

There will be stress (that is a given) and there will be things that simply have to play out before the stress will be gone or even be merely reduced. These are just facts about military life. I have often found military spouses (myself included!) to be stubborn and strong and accepting help is not usually in our nature. After I had my twin boys, however, I realized how much help I needed and that some people genuinely want to help and the mission behind Military No Stress PCS is exactly that.  

This military life has brought my family so many opportunities, including a tour overseas. Let MNSPCS help reduce your PCS stress so you can enjoy your opportunities.

The Rocky Road Ahead For a Military Spouse

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The Rocky Road Ahead

She is standing there, looking at the rocky road ahead, unsure what is next and what the future will look like. Such is the life of a military spouse.

He got his orders and is packing his bags, how are we doing this again? How is it time?

She promises she will be strong, she has done this before, she can do it again. She will conquer this rocky road ahead.

He has heard the rumors, but now he knows they are true.

She will be leaving soon, a few months earlier than they thought. How will he make it through this deployment? The one he thought he would be prepared for, but now feels like it never will be. That rocky road ahead.

As military spouses around the world know, there is good and there is bad when it comes to military life. There are the highs and there are the lows. There are easier times and times when it feels like the road is a little too rocky. When it feels like it is a little too much to endure.

We do what we can when we are faced with this rocky road. We depend on our friends and hope and pray they will understand all the emotions we might have in the next few months.

We work to stay busy but sometimes even that isn’t enough. And sometimes the busy is what causes the stress, and we have to pull back. We have to work to find that balance that seems almost impossible to find.

We pull the tools we have used in the past out of our deployment tool kit and pray they will work again. And sometimes they do. And sometimes they don’t.

We want to believe we can get through anything, truly anything that rocky road brings, but somedays we are unsure we can.

We take the good and the bad and hope that overall we can smile more than shed tears. We hope that we can laugh more than feel defeated. We hope that we can depend on one another when times get a little too hard.

Whether you are a brand new military spouse or a more seasoned one, we all feel that pit in our stomachs, when the orders come, when the date fall, when the buses leave.

We miss them when they are gone, but also understand why they had to go. We make plans to enjoy the time apart but hope that time goes by quickly and doesn’t drag on too much.

As military spouses, we are presented with that rocky road ahead so many times. It might be looking an overseas PCS in the face, or it might be a deployment that came out of nowhere. It might be struggling with a loss in the family, or trying to find your way back after a difficult season.

As military spouses, we also know that we can find the strength to get to the other side. We know that we have done it before, as so many others have done too. We know that we might need to take it one day at a time, but that soon enough we will be at the end, ready for the next season of our lives.

What is your biggest military spouse struggle? What do you do when you are faced with it?

40 Quick Tips for a Better Military Spouse Life

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I can’t believe I have been a military spouse for almost 17 years now. I remember being so overwhelmed by everything at first. I had so many questions and didn’t know what we were getting into. Over the years I have learned so much, from the best way to make friends to how to get through those long deployment days.

Are you new to military life? Maybe you just want to get some advice to get you through a difficult time. Here are 40 quick tips for a better military spouse life.

40 Quick Tips for a Better Military Spouse Life
  1. Timelines will always change. Whether it is how long it will take to join your spouse in an OCONUS PCS to when they will get home from a deployment.
  2. Make friends. You will need them, you will. They will make military life a lot easier.
  3. Say yes to overseas, even if you are afraid to do so. The experience will be worth it.
  4. Try living on post or base at least once. Doing so is an experience.
  5. Don’t forget OPSEC. Don’t overshare on social media. Be smart about what you are putting out there.
  6. PCS your way. Do you need a fancy PCS binder? Maybe. Are you okay if you don’t have one? Maybe. Find what works for you.
  7. Don’t be turned off by “bad” duty stations. Sometimes that is where you will have the best experiences. You never know.
  8. Join the groups. Find a book club. Try MOPS. You never know when you might find your new best friend.
  9. Write love letters. They might be old-fashioned but they can be a greay way to communicate during a deployment.
  10. Journal. Get your words out. Tell your journal how mad you are at the military. It will make you feel better.
  11. Get mad at the military. It’s okay. You don’t always have to love everything the military does.
  12. Focus on you. Don’t give up your dreams.
  13. Get off your military instillation. Explore. Make civilian friends. Learn about your new area.
  14. Listen to Seasoned Spouses. They have good advice and they have been there.
  15. Help out newbie military spouses. You have a lot to offer, even if you have only been a military spouse for a short time yourself.
  16. Remember you can do this. Whatever it is. Take it one day at a time.
  17. Create boundrries for yourself. With friends. With your job. With family.
  18. Make time for yourself. Me time is always important. Look for ways to find that me time, no matter how busy your life might be.
  19. Don’t be afraid to step out of your comfort zone. Doing so will bring you amazing things.
  20. You don’t have to send fancy care packages if you don’t want to. That might not be your jam. That’s okay.
  21. Share your story. Start a blog. Share on Instagram. When we share our stories, whatever they might be, we can truly help one another not feel so alone.
  22. Don’t sweat the small stuff, especially during a deployment. You might have to let a lot of things go. But that will bring you more peace.
  23. Each of your kids might handle the stress of military life in a different way. Some might need a little more help than others.
  24. Sometimes things will happen that won’t make any sense. Learn that this is just a part of military life. Sometimes you won’t be able to explain the randomness of it all.
  25. Don’t let rank get in the way of a friendship. Rules about rank are for service members, not spouses. That being said, be aware of what would bother your spouse or put them in an uncomfortable situation.
  26. Celebrate your military spouse wins. Get excited when you hit 100 days of deployment. Get excited when you cross things off your PCS to-do list.
  27. Talk with your spouse about PERSEC. Find out what they are okay with you sharing and what they are not. Some service members do not want to be on social media, and others are totally okay with it.
  28. Be wary of scams. Are you dating a service member? Awesome! Are they asking for you to send them money even thoguh you have never met in person? Be wary. People do try to scam others by pretending to be a service member.
  29. Learn about military discounts. Many amusement parks have them. A lot of resturants do too. Don’t be afraid to ask about them when you are out shopping. Just be respectful if the answer is no or if they are only for the service member.
  30. Share your life with your civilian friends. They are curious and might only know about military life from TV or movies.
  31. Be yourself. Not all military spouses are the same. We come from different places and backgrounds. Find your milspouse people.
  32. Know if you are struggling in this life, reaching out for extra help is okay. Doing so might be just what you need to get through your current challenge.
  33. Go to college, find a job, and pursue your own dreams as much as you can. Follow your passions, even during military life, whatever they might be.
  34. During a deployment, make a list of all the things you want to accomplish or learn. Work on home projects, write a book, learn a new skill, and figure out ways to stay busy that can help you grow as a person.
  35. Visit home, especially when you need a break from your duty station. But when you do, don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for not visiting them or spending your vacation the way you need to as a family.
  36. Take pictures. Make photo albums. Write down your memories. You will be glad you did.
  37. Learn from one another. Listen to how others make deployments a little easier or hacks they have about pcsing. You don’t have to do everything they do, but putting more tools in your military spouse toolbox will be a good idea.
  38. Feeling lonely? Find activities and events in your local area to get out and meet new people. Don’t give up if you don’t meet anyone right away. Keep trying.
  39. Grow through your expeirences, even the bad ones. There is always something new to learn.
  40. Enjoy this life as much as you can, but know that often times military life is a roller coaster. You will have some amazing moments, and some pretty difficult ones. There will be different seasons of your military life.

9 Lessons Learned On Our Military Retirement Journey

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9 Lessons Learned On Our Military Retirement Journey

By Melonie Kennedy

This is it. We’re handing in the keys to our on-post housing in a few days, then my husband will begin terminal leave. After sixteen years of marriage, seven duty stations, several deployments, and so many TDY’s I can’t even remember them all, it’s over. He’s out. The End.

Retirement is a huge transition for him, of course, after twenty years in the Army. I didn’t expect, however, what a big jump this would mean for me. This is a scary new beginning, perhaps the scariest of them all. I’ve tried to avoid wool-gathering and prepare just like any other PCS. As ready as I am to get into this next chapter, though, I’m also not feeling ready. It’s not just another PCS. There’s so much up in the air, and that leads me to lesson one: 

Remember military retirement is a major life change! As accustomed as we are to moving frequently and reestablishing a home base every few years, this time there’s a big difference. We’re in a new division of the military community: The Retirees. Our mission now as a family is to figure out what comes next and create a new battle rhythm that may be like nothing we’ve ever experienced before. 

Additionally, as with normal PCSs, there may be a grieving process, especially if you’re moving from your final duty station as part of the retirement process. We’re saying goodbye to friends, getting those last tourist bucket list things marked off, taking steps to find a job, and shepherding a teen through the same changes all while getting him ready for college. As exciting as this new adventure is, it’s full of questions. That takes me to lesson two:

Communication is key – and not just with the various agencies your service member is dealing with on the military side! It’s okay to say you’re not okay. Consider scheduling in downtime for yourself and as a couple. We, military spouses, are incredibly resilient people, but resilience is built up when we have purposely created a buffer zone. Whether it’s a facial or a coffee date, sometimes talking to a therapist via Telehealth or simply curling up with a book for an hour – account for the fact that this is a huge transition period that automatically comes with stress, and account for the fact that mindfulness during the transition is vital. Having grown up an Army brat, then spending this long as a military wife, I kind of don’t know where I stand anymore, and I’ve had to observe and unpack those feelings. This takes us to lesson three: 

You’re not alone. It may feel like it some days, just like it may have at times in your spouse’s military career. They, and you, are not cast aside and left to drift and figure this out on your own! From the moment retirement appears on the horizon, start finding your support folks; as Mr. Rogers advised, “Look for the helpers.”

I was pleasantly surprised to learn how many resources there are out there for transitioning families. Get in touch with the folks at your branch’s Transition Assistance Program (TAP) office early. We spouses are invited to attend as well because TAP isn’t just about military paperwork. The TAP office my husband worked with offered links to resumé workshops, seminars on VA home loans, and much more. Going through TAP early leaves you time to go back through if you’d like to dig deeper and ask the TAP reps questions on a second go-round.

Another great option is the USO, which sponsors a wide variety of in-person and virtual seminars. They cover more topics than I can even list here, and the schedules accommodate for locations worldwide. There are also the Veterans Service Organization (VSO) representatives, who are individuals accredited by the Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) to help ensure service members have access to qualified representation during the VA claim process. The Veterans of Foreign Wars (VFW) and several other organizations have accredited VSOs available; a full list of VA-recognized VSOs is available via the Veterans Affairs website.

Lastly, don’t forget to start making connections within military retiree organizations and civic groups within your community, especially if you are moving with children. They will gain assistance putting down new roots through community options just like they’ve done every move, and now those roots can include a nice taproot into their home turf!

As you may have noticed, the more lead time you have before retirement, the better. We made the decision for my husband to submit his retirement request about eighteen months out from his projected departure date, which left time to get things rolling on several fronts. That takes us into lessons four through seven, which have a big point in common: make use of any waiting period you have until retirement!

Get your house in order, especially your finances. If you’re not already debt-free, try to get there. This will help you get a solid footing when the service member’s pay changes from their active duty rate to their retirement pension. This foundation also provides an assist with the timing of the first retirement check, any VA benefits the military retiree is awarded, and the arrival of paychecks if they will be employed after their military time ends. If there’s a lag time on funds, you’re still good to go if you aren’t living paycheck to paycheck at this stage.

Save, save, save! As with any other PCS, there will be costs affiliated with your move. If you own a home away from your final duty station, you’ve got to get there. While certain costs will be reimbursed after a move, you may be in a situation where you’re receiving BAH during terminal leave, so hotel stays will be accounted differently. Then of course there are the usual things that feel like they nickel and dime us to death every move: getting groceries again, the random little things that are needed in a new home, meals on the road, and so forth. Even if you are already living in your forever home, with all these changes, costs will come up. Having as much put away for a rainy day as possible is always to your benefit.

Speaking of financial matters: while you’re anxiously awaiting The Big Day, make the most of your time and get life insurance before the service member gets their VA physical. In some cases, automatically switching from Servicemembers’ Group Life Insurance (SGLI) to Veterans Group Life Insurance (VGLI) may not actually be your most cost-effective plan. The same applies for spouses and other dependents currently insured through Family Servicemembers’ Group Life Insurance.

While sticking with the known entity with no medical questions or exclusions may be tempting, if you’re in fairly good health, it is well worth your time to sit down with a few companies and get some quotes for coverage. My husband contacted three companies for quotes and we were able to compare all coverage, terms, and costs over a weekend and choose the one that was the best fit for us. (Why do this before the VA physical? Findings documented by the VA may affect rates and coverage availability.)

On our last point about time and money: encourage your service member to use this time to use Credentialing Assistance and Tuition Assistance if at all possible. Don’t leave money on the table! They can earn certifications to build their resumé and build their employability, or work toward a college degree without using their GI Bill on active duty. There are also many free and low-cost certification and schooling options available for military spouses to take advantage of; you’ll learn about some of them through the TAP sessions and the USO’s offerings, but another great place to find helpful organizations and programs is LinkedIn.

That takes us to lesson eight, one that was a real shocker for me: LinkedIn is your friend, milspouses! I’ve personally had a LinkedIn account for over a decade and really didn’t get much use out of it. Like many people, I thought LinkedIn was “social media for suits”. Since getting more active on the platform in early 2021, I’ve had my eyes opened to the many possibilities LinkedIn offers, particularly for those of us with military affiliations.

There is a wealth of opportunities for networking with other folks in our community; start with #militaryspouse, then look for groups specific to spouses or to your area of employment interest. There are also job listings, information about hiring fairs (on and off base and virtual), and ways to find franchise opportunities specifically for veterans. Add in the fact that we spouses can receive a year of LinkedIn Premium for free through Military OneSource’s Spouse Education & Career Opportunities (MySECO), and you’ve got another great reason to sign up or really start using your LinkedIn account to its full potential. The Premium version allows access to LinkedIn Learning and a variety of other professional tools that users may find helpful in networking and job hunts.

My two cents, with no affiliation to the company on my part: LinkedIn is worth it for you and your retiree-to-be, whether you’re looking for work post-military or want to be able to mentor and guide others following in your footsteps. It’s actually the way I connected with Julie, our wonderful hostess here at Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life, and can share these thoughts with you about our retirement journey!

And now we’re at lesson nine: Have the Ceremony.

My soldier is not big on pomp and circumstance. I’m an introvert, quite content that the bulk of my “peopling” is done via email thanks to working from home for two decades. There was to be no retirement ceremony. We were simply going to load the U-Haul and quietly ride off into the sunset.

My husband’s commander saw things differently and put his foot down. You don’t give twenty years of your life to the military and just slip away; you deserve recognition and closure. There had to be some sort of ceremony. 

We huffed and puffed and gave in on the matter, setting up a fairly intimate shindig at a favorite restaurant. We added in a presentation of a military “brat” coin and a certificate of appreciation for our son. Some family members were able to make it, as well as a large group from the unit, and some good friends we’ve bumped into at multiple duty stations. As luck would have it, we had soldiers there from the beginning of my spouse’s active time, the middle, and the end.

There were stories told, plenty of laughs, and more tears than expected. We introduced our non-military family members to a side of my husband that they hadn’t seen during visits and the usual tours of housing and the Exchange; it gave his friends a chance to celebrate with him; it gave us a chance to recognize the resilience of our son, who like me, has been a dandelion child floating around the world at the behest of Uncle Sam. 

Barbecue and cake were served, and in the end, we were incredibly grateful to the leader who called for the touching sendoff. So no matter how large or how small you make it, please schedule in a time to celebrate your service member, yourself, and all involved in getting you to this point. You’ve made it. Happy military retirement – here’s to your next adventure!

Melonie Kennedy is a military wife, homeschooling mom, author, and small business owner. Connect with her at https://www.linkedin.com/in/meloniek/

How a Small Duty Station in Germany Shaped My Military Spouse Experience

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How a Small Duty Station in Germany Shaped My Military Spouse Experience

16 years ago this week, I got on a plane with my 18-month-old to join my husband in Germany. He had been over there for about 4 months, and we were finally joining him. The time apart was quite a whirlwind for me as I got used to the way the Army did things, slower than I would like.

The flight over was long. The leg from Chicago to Madrid was the toughest. My son’s car seat wouldn’t fit and he didn’t sleep a wink. Finally, as we sat down on our short flight from Spain to Germany, he crashed on my lap.

We met my husband in baggage claim at the Frankfort airport, sleepy and in a fog. Unless you count trips to Mexico as a teen, this was my first experience in a different country. This was my first experience in Europe. This would be my first experience on an Army post.

A few days later, I was walking my son in a stroller around the post. I stopped and just took everything in as a group of soldiers marched by. Up until a few months before, we had been a civilian couple, raising our son in a civilian family. But all of that had changed.

As the months went on, I started to become more comfortable with where I was. We were stationed in Schweinfurt, which was about two hours from Frankfort in Bavaria. I was 26 years old, and the interesting thing was when my mom was my age she also moved to Germany, as a DoD teacher near Ramstein. I grew up with photos and souvenirs she had collected during her time there. I was so happy to experience some of what she did, but as a spouse instead of a teacher.

I made friends pretty quickly as our FRG was very active. There was also a deployment coming up and all of us could feel it. So many of us had little ones and soon after we got there I discovered I was pregnant with my second little boy. There was a lot going on and a lot to take in.

After we had been there about five months, my husband deployed to Iraq. We assumed he would be back within a year, or even nine months. But that was the deployment that kept getting extended and he finally made it home after almost 15 months.

During that deployment, I learned so much about myself. About who I was as a mother, a wife, and a military spouse. It was my “welcome to this life” baptism that I didn’t really fully understand until much later, after moving back to the states and experiencing more deployments.

Our little community in Schweinfurt was something so special and different. For one thing, the post was pretty small. We only had about 3,000 soldiers. Compare that to Fort Campbell which has around 29,000 soldiers. Pretty much every soldier, unless you were on Rear D was deployed. Most of the soldiers went to Iraq and some to Afghanistan. But the reality was, the post was made up of military spouses, going through a very long deployment, far from home.

During the first part of the deployment I was pregnant, and as I got closer to the birth, that was my main focus. My amazing mom came out planning to stay two months over the birth and after to help. I can’t even tell you how much this helped me. My son was born just four days before his due date and three days before my husband made it back to Germany for R&R.

During those two weeks, my dad came over to join us and we had a nice family Christmas together. My parents left us for a week to travel and we had a week as a family of four before my husband had to head back to Iraq. That week was truly amazing. I can’t even tell you about what he did, other than sorting out my son’s birth certificate, but our family needed that time.

R&R was over, and my husband and I woke up before dark to take him to the train station to head back to Iraq. My husband stood over my son’s crib and said goodbye, thinking he would be back in about five months. In the end, he didn’t get back from another 11, missing almost his whole first year.

My dad headed home soon after, and my brother came to visit which helped with the after R&R letdown. In February, my mom and brother had to head back home, and soon after I ended up in the hospital with my two-month-old for RSV. I was so thankful for my military spouse friends who stepped in to help me during that week.

Winter ended, and it started to warm up a bit in Germany but our husbands were still deployed. We spouses worked hard to stay busy, and spend time together. We had Monday mornings at the coffee shop, we met for lunch, and met up at the park once it was warm enough to do so.

During those 15 months, I found myself in a tight-knit military community with almost all of us going through the same thing. This isn’t something you find in a lot of places, but this was my introduction to the military world. I didn’t realize at the time how different it would be at a stateside post when units were all coming and going at different times.

I learned through other military spouses, what they had been through in the past, and the lessons they had learned along the way. I learned true independence as I would go so long without being able to talk to my husband, and just had to figure everything out by myself. I realized what was important about parenting and what to let go of so that I could be the best mom for my kids.

The military was 100% in our face during this time. Yes, you could go off post and I did. I enjoyed walking my kids around in the double stroller and visiting all the different German shops. I was able to travel even more once my husband came home, going on a few USO trips.

But still, the military ruled so much about my life then. From where I got most of my groceries, to where I got my mail, to where my son went to preschool.

When we moved to the states, I found this wasn’t the norm. But it definitely shaped my military spouse experience.

Looking back, I am so glad I had the experiences I did. I was a part of history. I was a part of the military community. And learned so much along the way.

The Army has left Schweinfurt. If we were to visit again someday, we would find the area a very different place. I think they have knocked down most of the housing and there is no longer any American military presence. But the memories will stick with me forever.

The Halloween party we had when I was super pregnant. The Thanksgiving potluck we military spouses had while leaving computers on in hopes that a husband or two would log on. The time after R&R as I thought we were in the final stretch of the deployment and then learning we had so much more time to go.

The lonely nights we made better by spending time together while our kids played. The tensions that arose during a super stressful situation. Homecoming day, when the deployment was finally over, and we could get back to almost normal life while knowing we were now different people.

All of us were going through something so difficult but we had to find that strength to make it to the finish line and we had to do it together one day at a time. I will never forget those years, even if some of the details are fuzzy all these years later. I am thankful for being able to experience life overseas, and I am even more thankful for all that I learned while I was there.

Arriving at that small Army post in the middle of Bavaria as a brand new military spouse is something I will never forget.

When You Feel Like Your Military Children Are Missing Out

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I remember feeling so torn during our first deployment. I didn’t want to do this Military life thing anymore. I didn’t want my kids to be without their dad. I didn’t want there to be so many pages of my scrapbook where dad was missing.

I started wondering if military life was worth the cost. Was it worth it for my kids to miss so much? I started wondering if despite my husband’s desire to serve, that our family needed to come first and that he shouldn’t do this anymore.

When You Feel Like Your Military Children Are Missing Out

That missing a child’s birth wasn’t worth it…

That missing their first day of kindergarten wasn’t worth it…

That leaving our kids with a stressed-out mom simply wasn’t fair…

And now all these years later I am still not sure if military life is fair to my children. It might not be. And that is a huge pill to swallow.

I can think about all the benefits of military life. I can think of all the places we have been, all the people we have met, and everything we have learned over the years.

But that doesn’t change the fact that my husband missed almost all of my son’s first year of life. That he will miss things in the future. That we will never get these years back.

Walking away from military life can seem like the right thing to do. To see that ETS date and end the military journey. To ask your spouse to pick another path.

For some, getting out of the military is the right thing to do…

For others, it isn’t that simple.

For some, serving in the military is something they have to do. That the military is a part of them. That the military is in their blood. Walking away isn’t possible.

And for the military spouse of that service member, things can be so complicated. You can’t help but wonder where you stand. You can’t help but wonder why they are okay with all the loss and heartache this life can bring.

But you also know that serving is a part of who they are, and what they have chosen as a career path. You know deep down they ache having to be away from you too. You know that they miss you like you are missing them.

When You Feel Like Your Military Children Are Missing Out

And when you remember that, when you remember that even though they choose the military, they also chose you, things get a little easier.

And from that, you can get through what comes. You can help your children through military life. You can be there, and be patient, and know that your path is okay.

Your military life may look so different from your own upbringing.

Your military life might be the opposite of what your civilian friends do.

But it’s your military life, for good or for bad.

While you might never be able to answer the question of if military life is fair to your kids, you know your kids will be able to make it through the challenges, with you by their side.

You might never be able to get those years back but the memories you make when you are together are priceless.

You might not ever have a “normal” life because you married a service member, but you are committed to still living a good one, however that looks.

Don’t be afraid to seek out help during this life. I have many different blog posts here at Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life on deployments, pcsing, and military life in general.

I have a Facebook group, filled with other military spouses who understand.

Check out your local communities to see what is available.

Join your FRG, local MOPS group, or find another way to connect with other military spouses that works for you.

Raising children in the military is, of course, going to be challenging, there is no sense in sugar-coating that. You want the best for your children, and when you realize they are missing out, that doesn’t feel like the best.

You might feel guilty about certain parts of this lifestyle, you might wish you could go back and give them something they missed out on, and you might not ever feel 100% about the choice to be a military family.

When You Feel Like Your Military Children Are Missing Out

But in the end, if the love of your life is committed to the military, you can be too. No matter how rocky the road might be.

You can find recourses to help, you can be your children’s steady in a world that doesn’t seem so, and you can take everything one day at a time.

As a mom, you will always do what you can to help your children through life. This doesn’t change just because you are a military family. Every family has challenges, the military life might just be yours.

What are your best tips for raising kids in the military?

9 Times You Just Have to Laugh During Military Life

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9 Times You Just Have to Laugh During Military Life

When faced with a difficult situation, sometimes the only thing to do is laugh. Sometimes during military life, you will feel like what you are going through is so ridiculous, that you can’t even get upset. Plus, laughter really is the best medicine.

Here are 9 times you just have to laugh during military life:

1. When your spouse gets orders to a place you said you never wanted to go.

If you have ever said, “I just don’t ever want to be stationed X,” and then the military gives your spouse orders for X, you just kinda have to laugh. And maybe not say that again in the future. They are listening.

2. When you make friends in the strangest places

You are probably assuming you are going to go out there and make friends through your kid’s soccer team, or even the FRG meeting. But sometimes, we make friends in the strangest ways. From connecting with another spouse who has also been waiting over an hour at the doctor’s office, to someone who is from your home state, who you instantly connect with just because of that.

3. When you accidentally hand the gate guard your credit card

If you haven’t done this before, you probably will eventually. And when you do, hopefully, your gate guard has a sense of humor and makes a funny joke about your mistake. Then you can share with your friends and laugh together.

4. When the homecoming date gets changed so many times, you just give up and hope they are home before your next birthday

It’s so hard when the homecoming date gets changed but at some point, you just have to laugh. Dear military, get things together and bring my spouse home already! Thanks!

5. When people think your life is just like the show Army Wives

No, nope, no, no, no. Just like any show based on any career path, say Grey’s Anatomy, things are pretty much only sorta true sometimes, and usually very wrong. Now you can let the person now how different military really is.

6. When you told someone you could never do a thing and the military makes you do a thing

There are so many times this has happened to me. From PCSing overseas to going through another deployment. At one time I even said that I could never solo parent. Truth is, you can do more than you think you can. That’s how we get through military life.

7. When your friend from Fort Bragg becomes your friend at Fort Campbell

This is a fun experience to laugh about. Sometimes you might make a friend at one duty station, and then surprise, five years later, they can be your friends at another. In some ways, your service member’s branch isn’t as big as you think it is and you can be reunited with people you really love. Thank you Military!

8. When people ask when you will be able to visit home again

Hahahaha…if only they knew how hard that was. Between deployments, a PCS, and the cost of airfare, it’s hard to know if and when you can visit. Plans always seem to change and nothing is certain until after the fact. Maybe it is better if your family comes and visits you?

9. When things work out the way they are supposed to

One time, my husband’s R&R was changed, and I had to cancel a trip to Walt Disney World. On the other hand, that meant his R&R was over our anniversary and we were able to plan an amazing anniversary trip. I couldn’t believe how it worked out. You almost have to laugh that everything worked out the way it did. Although I am still waiting to go to Walt Disney World, so…

I hate being stressed out all the time. And yet, that is my natural reaction to a lot of what happens in the military life. That is why I think it is important to laugh when you can. Laugh at the little things, laugh at the big things, and work towards a more balanced life.

What makes you laugh about military life???

How to Encourage a Military Spouse

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How to Encourage a Military Spouse

By Lizann Lightfoot, the Seasoned Spouse

Military spouses and loved ones face a variety of challenges during military life. Sometimes, military paperwork and protocols cause the headaches. Other times, it is the challenge of taking care of the house and kids alone while the service member is away. Whether you or brand new or a “seasoned spouse,” there are always a million ways the military can ruin your day. 

When you hear a military spouse complaining about one frustration or another, it may be tempting to tell them to “just deal with it” because “hey, that’s military life!” But phrases like that are not actually encouraging and don’t solve any problems. Instead, here are some ways to truly encourage a military spouse—even if you aren’t one yourself!

Empathize. Even if you can’t relate to a military spouse’s exact situation, there’s a good chance you have experienced similar feelings of frustration or anxiety. You don’t have to raise 3 kids on your own while your spouse is deployed across the world to understand that a parent in that situation is going to be stressed and need some extra support! As you listen to their story, try to find words to describe their feelings—exhausted, disappointed, etc. Think about moments when you experienced those same emotions, and then share what was helpful to you during those challenges. 

Validate their feelings. Often, people are confused or overwhelmed by military life challenges, and they aren’t even sure if their reactions are “normal” for a military spouse or significant other. It may be reassuring for them to hear that their experience is actually quite common. There isn’t just one “right way” to be a military spouse. Everyone handles stress and sudden changes differently. So whatever they are experiencing right now is totally normal. It doesn’t have to be the right or wrong way to feel, it’s just a human response. 

“You’re not alone.” Military life can be very isolating. Many spouses and significant others find themselves living far from family, in an unfamiliar town, with very few friends. Oh, and then their service member has to go train for a few weeks or months. It’s no surprise if they feel frustrated and overwhelmed! Military spouses love to connect with each other and find fellow milsos who are having similar experiences. Let them know you can relate to their current struggle. They aren’t the only person who has ever navigated a deployment or a PCS move. There can be comfort in realizing that thousands of military spouses and loved ones have faced similar challenges and figured out a way to handle them.

Don’t judge. We’ve all been in situations where people offered less than helpful advice. One example is someone saying we “knew what we were signing up for” when we became military spouses. Newsflash—that doesn’t actually make a difficult situation any better. When someone is struggling, don’t tell them to get over it or stop being weak. Meet them where they are, without judgement.

Offer practical suggestions. There usually isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution to a crisis. But there is probably a resource somewhere that may help. If you know about a national program, a military discount, or a non-profit organization that could be useful, then share it! If you have a simple strategy or routine that works for you when you are in a similar situation, then let a milspouse know your tips and tricks! And if the problem seems too big for either one of you to handle, don’t be afraid to recommend professionals like counselors, doctors, or chaplains. Sometimes, just using one new resource can make all the difference during a stressful situation like a deployment or PCS move. Your practical suggestion might make a huge difference in another milso’s life. 

Write an “Open When” letter. To share words of encouragement when they will be needed most, write a note for your milspouse friend to open during a specific occasion. I did this in my new book, “Open When: Letters of Encouragement for Military Spouses.” Each letter speaks to a specific challenge of military life. Some are small, like “Open When You’ve Missed a Phone Call,” but other letters speak to heart-wrenching moments, like “Open When You Have to Leave a Home You Love.” The book releases on September 21, 2021, from Elva Resa Publishing, but it is available for pre-order now online, wherever books are sold! 

In my book, I combined all of the above strategies to create a resource that is truly encouraging and helpful. Inside, every military spouse will find a letter that speaks to them. The book makes the perfect gift for someone dating a service member or new to military life. It is also a great way to celebrate a “seasoned spouse” with experiences and memories they can relate to, and a final section of letters all about the later years of military life. Whether you are a military spouse who needs an occasional friendly word, or you have a friend who could use some support, turn to the book, “Open When: Letters of Encouragement for Military Spouses.”