Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Julie

A Letter To My Son With Autism On World Autism Awareness Day

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In January of 2012, we sat in the doctor’s office and heard what we had suspected about our then five-year-old son. After three or four months of testing, meeting with the doctor, and answering questions about him, our son was diagnosed with Asperger’s.

As we were waiting to hear what his diagnosis was, I did my own research and came to the same conclusion. It was the only thing that made any sense. My biggest fear going into that appointment was not that he would tell me what was wrong with my son, it was that he would tell me nothing was wrong because I knew in my heart something was.

Asperger’s. Autism. High functioning Autism. A different type of life. Special needs. ABA. Fits. Misunderstandings. Love.

On this day, April 2nd, World Autism Awareness Day, I wanted to write to my son. He is 14 now, and we have come so far since that day in 2012, but I know that we have a long way to go.

I wrote this letter to him when he was 11, right before we started into the teen years.

A Letter To My Son With Autism On World Autism Awareness Day

To my little boy,

First of all, I have to tell you how much I love you. I still remember the day you were born, right in the middle of your Dad’s deployment. I remember they gave you to me and we had to wait for them to move us to the recovery room. And when it was time to do that, they wheeled us there on the bed, and I felt like a queen in a parade, holding my new bundle.

That day, that night, I had no idea what our journey of mother and son would take us. Would you be like your older brother? Would you be like me? Like your dad?

As you grew, I watched you closely. I was concerned about speech delays, which your brother struggled with. But you didn’t seem to have any issues there. You started talking, and I thought everything was going along the way things should.

Then we moved to Tennessee, and as you grew from a young toddler to a preschooler, my mommy heart started to worry. I began to notice how hard playing with other kids was. Sometimes you destroyed the castles they had built out of blocks. Sometimes you yelled at them. Sometimes you hit. And when we asked you why you told us it was because they were doing it wrong.

I wondered what I was doing wrong as a parent. I wondered what else I should be doing.

Then I told myself all kids could hit at that age. Preschoolers aren’t exactly known for their sharing abilities. I told myself that you were having a difficult time because you had never been to daycare before, that you were just not used to being around so many kids. We had playdates, but I didn’t leave you as often back then.

As you started at a regular preschool, I knew in my heart something wasn’t quite right. I knew you were struggling there. But why? Why were you always getting in trouble? What was going on?

That’s when we decided we needed to figure out what was going on. Your regular doctor didn’t think anything was going on at first, but I pushed. I had to. I needed answers. And then that day in January, we got them.

Asperger’s. That is what you had. That was what you would be dealing with. That is what would make you you.

We started with ABA, and they helped us so very much. You started kindergarten and with that all types of new challenges. You didn’t want to go to school; you didn’t see why you had to be there.

But we worked hard, so hard. The years went by, and as they did, I got to watch you grow. Before, when the bus came to pick you up, you would resist. Now, you run out there on your own.

This isn’t to say we don’t still have challenges, we do. But what once was an everyday struggle, changed to once a week and these days more like a once a month of that type of struggle. As I look back over the years, I know you are going to be okay because we have come so far already.

I know that school is hard for you, but I also know that you can do school. You can get through it, and you can make it work for you.

I know that making friends is hard for you too, but I also see that you want to reach out and that you will find your people too. I know you will.

I am so thankful you and your older brother are best friends. I hope that you can have that with your younger brother someday too. Your brothers will always be there for you, they have your back, and they want the best for you too.

I love seeing you excited and happy about something. Sometimes that is Disneyland, other times it is when you figure out how to get through a video game or when we stop and check out the cats at the pet store.

I know that you have your dad’s sense of humor. Sometimes this is hard to see, through the everyday struggles, but it is there.

I know sometimes life is harder for you than it should be for an 11-year-old.

On those days I wish I could grab you up and take you away from all the hard things life brings. But the truth is, you need to work through them. But as you do, you know you will always have me by your side. I will always be there to listen and to help you get through it, whatever the struggle might be.

I am not sure what life will be like for you as an adult. I am not sure what will be hard for you and what won’t be a challenge anymore. I do know that you will go on and do great things. I know this. 

I am so proud of how far you have come. You work hard to make your way in this world, even when you don’t understand it. Even when it doesn’t make any sense to you.

Always remember that your Dad and I love you and will always be there for you. To walk with you through this life, and be there to help when we can.

Love to you forever,

Mom.

Do you have a child on the autism spectrum too?

What You Should Know About Getting Through the Pre-Deployment Period

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Before They Leave For a Deployment 

I had only been a military spouse for about 10 months when my husband left on his first deployment. 4.5 of those months were spent in the US while he waited for me and my son in Germany. I wasn’t surprised about him deploying, he was in the Army, deployments were apart of the deal.

I just didn’t totally know what to expect. It was one thing to be apart from your husband when he was on a military post in Germany, waiting to join him, quite another when he would be in a war zone in Iraq.

We did have a few months to prepare for the deployment. I arrived in Germany at the end of March and already we knew a deployment was going to happen. At that time we didn’t know the exact dates but that yes, a deployment was coming. By the summer we had a much better idea of when they would be leaving and us wives started to band together knowing we would need one another to get through the long months ahead.

I remember the day clearly. My friend had come to visit from Austria and we were sitting around talking with my husband. The phone rang, which usually meant my parents were calling but not this time. This call was from someone in the Unit. They were letting me know that orders had been cut and that my husband would be officially deploying in exactly a month.

I got off the phone and took a deep breath. The deployment was really happening.

What You Should Know About Getting Through the Pre-Deployment Period

Even if you know that your spouse is going to deploy, accepting the reality of them leaving can be difficult.

There is so much to think about. Will they be safe? What will they be doing? What will I do when they are gone? What about the children?

The time leading up to your deployment might be very stressful and that is normal. There is a lot that needs to happen and a lot that you want to happen. For some, this means one more trip home, a special family photo, or one more trip to the zoo, your family’s favorite place to go together.

As a spouse, you are aware that every minute you have together is precious and that once they leave, you will no longer get to have them.

What can do you during those weeks and days before the deployment?

Here are some ideas:

Be Helpful

Your spouse is going to need your help. They might need you to not make so many plans on the weekends leading up to their deployment date. They might need you to scale back on certain things or they might need help getting all their gear together.

Make sure to ask and let your spouse know that you are there for what they might need. In return, make sure you are open and honest about what you need from them. Maybe you need more daily kisses, maybe you need to have more movie nights. Talk things out so that you both know what each other need in the time before the deployment begins.

Be Patient

Patience is going to help you during the pre-deployment period. A lot of military couples fight during this time because of the stress level. Try not to worry too much when you see them packing their bags. Enjoy the time you still have together and try not to rush those days away. Be patient about work schedules before the deployment.

Sometimes they do have to work late, even just a few days before they have to go. Other times they will get off early and even have days off. Just know that you may or may not have a lot of time together before the deployment and that can be up to the Command, not your spouse.

Be Understanding

Getting ready to leave your family to go do something you trained for isn’t easy. Even though your spouse has a job to do, they are going to miss you and everything about the life you had created together. The pre-deployment period can be hard for them and they might not know how to act.

The closer they are to you before they leave, the harder it can be for them to go. Service members and even military spouses pull away a bit before a deployment because of that. They don’t want to make the goodbye more painful than it already is.

Be understanding of this and try not to take certain things personally. Sometimes the behavior is just the deployment talking.

Make Memories

Spend the weeks before the deployment making a lot of memories. Plan a trip, go on a lot of day trips, take a lot of photos and spend a lot of family time together.

If you have small kids and you know finding a babysitter once he is gone will be difficult, plan some time out with your friends when your husband is still home to watch them. You will be glad you did when you are months into solo parenting after the deployment has started.

Prepare the Children

If you have kids and they are old enough to understand what your spouse will be doing, have some talks about what will be happening beforehand. With smaller children, you don’t have to tell them what is going to happen but make sure you are there for them when they do start to ask for the other parent.

You can get Daddy Dolls and put up photos of your spouse in their bedroom. You can make a book of photos that are safe for babies and older children might appreciate something similar as well.

Some of the hardest parts of a deployment can be when your children miss their mom or dad. That can break your heart but luckily there are a lot of resources out there to help you. Sesame Street has a great program for deployed children and there are many children’s books about deployment that you can buy to have on hand.

Keep in mind too that different children might react differently based on their ages and their personalities. As the deployment begins you will start to see what might bother them and what they might be okay with.

Have a few date nights

If you are able to, plan a few date nights before they have to leave. Go out and spend time together as a couple. Enjoy one another.

Talk about your expectations during the time you are going to be apart. Talk about what you will do if you hit a hard period during the deployment.

Have fun on your dates too. See a movie, take a walk, go bowling. Do fun things you know you might miss when they are away.

Find Your People

You are going to need to find your people to help you through a deployment. Your people can be the neighbors on your streets, the moms in your playgroup, or even a good Facebook group of others that understand.

For me, finding that FRG was a must for our first deployment. They were a great group of women and being that we were all stationed in Germany together we created a second family of people to connect with and spend the deployment with.

This isn’t always the case and wasn’t in later deployments. Sometimes I had a close best friend, and other times I just had to stay busy as much as I could, depending on emotional help from family and friends who lived far away. Each deployment is going to look a little different but you will want to find a few people you can depend on while your spouse is away.

Any military spouse who has gone through a deployment can tell you, the pre-deployment period is not going to be easy. There is a lot to be stressed and anxious about during this time. Do your best to get through those days and weeks and know that once the deployment starts, the countdown can begin.

Blog Posts On Deployment

Someones hearing someone else’s story is super helpful in getting through the pre-deployment or deployment period. Here are a few blog posts from both Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life and other military spouses to help you through:

So You Just Found Out You’re Pregnant, And Your Spouse is Deploying

For the MilSpouse Right in the Middle of a Deployment

Just Keep Swimming Military Spouse, Just Keep Swimming

The Emotional Cycle of Deployment: Pre-Deployment

15 Must-Do Things to Prepare for Deployment

5 Tough Conversations To Have BEFORE Deployment

Parent’s Guide to the Military Child During Deployment and Reunion

Pre-Deployment Checklist for Military Spouses

50+ Questions to Ask Your Spouse Before a Deployment

How do you prepare for a deployment?

PCSing Anytime Soon? These Companies, Organizations, and Resources Can Help

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Is there a PCS in your future? Is it time to start packing up boxes and getting on your way? Need some help with where to live at your next duty station?

A PCS can be a challenging season in your life. There is a lot to do, and not all of it is super clear. Back when we were PCSing overseas to Germany, there were so many steps that I felt my head was going to explode.

On the other end, it took almost a couple of months to feel even somewhat settled in my new home. Everything was so new and different from what I was used to. And it took some time to get to a place where I could breathe.

The good thing is that there are resources out there to help military spouses through a PCS. There are companies that will help you make decisions about where to live. There are companies that will help you figure out how to pack. There are companies to help you figure out how to decorate within the military community.

Like anything else in military life, we don’t have to go through a PCS alone. Here is a list of companies, organizations, and military spouses to help you during your next PCS:

PCS Resources

MilSpouseConversations OCONUS Talk

MilSpouseConversations had a great talk in March about PCSing overseas. This group of military spouses has been through quite a few overseas moves from Japan to Germany. MilSpouseConversations is about real raw, real topics, and real conversations with a group of military spouses with over 100 years of military spouse experience between them.

PCSgrades

Trying to decide on a neighborhood at your next duty station? Looking for a realtor? PCSgrades has reviews on many different off-post or on-post neighborhoods, real estate agents, mortgage lenders, moving companies, apartments, and schools.

Millie

Millie is also a great place to go for help before a PCS. Their Millie Scouts can be your boots on the ground, to help you review a future home when you can’t do so in person. They also have AgentHeroes who understand military life and can help you find a new home.

Permanent Change of Storing

Permanent Change of Storing is owned and founded by Navy wife, Christa Curtis. Permanent Change of Storing will help you with organizing your home, PCS prep, settling in, and more.

Military One Source

Military One Source offers PCS help too. You can connect with experts that can help you through your move, Plan My Move, which offers a tool that gives you customized lists and more, and MilitaryINSTALLATIONS which is the official DoD guide for military institutions worldwide.

Move.Mil

Move.Mil is the official DoD Moving Portal. Here you can find information and guidance for your move, where you can schedule your move, information about shipping your car, and even tips for settling in.

Military By Owner

This company provides advertising for selling a home near military installations as well as resources on different aspects of military life, real estate, and homeownership. They can also be a great place to look for a home either to rent or to buy.

At Ease Rentals

This company provides active duty and their families, DoD employees, military contractors, as well as federal employees with short-term rentals that are pre-approved to meet FTR (Federal Travel Regulation).

PCSing.com

At Pcsing.com, you can find a one-stop information resource for service members and their families that are going through a military move.

MilHousing Network

MilHousing Network connects military families with military real estate experts in the US. They also run the Facebook group, Things I Wish I Knew Before I PCS’d.

Moving House for the Military Spouse

Moving House for the Military Spouse is a Facebook page that shows real life photos from military housing.

AHRN

AHRN stands for the Automated Housing Referral Network is a website for members of the military who are searching for housing at a new duty station.

PCS Money

Need to know about PCS travel and relocation allowances or weight limits? You can find that information on the Defense Travel website.

BAH

Curious about BAH at your upcoming duty station, go here for the BAH calculator.

This post does contain some affiliate links!

PCS Themed Products

MilitaryPrintables

Looking for a PCS Binder Printable Kit? Check out MilitaryPrintables on Etsy.

Welcome to Rota: The Unofficial Guide to Getting Settled, and Enjoying the Culture, Food, and Travel Opportunities of Southern Spain

This book, written by fellow military spouse and writer, Lizann Lightfoot, is all about living in OCONUS in Rota, Spain.

Milly’s PCS Worries

This children’s book, written by Amy Rivera and illustrated by Dayanese A. Rodriguez, is about Izzy and Milly, whose dad is in the military and gets orders to PCS.

Olive Fox Paper Shop

Looking for cute PCS announcements? Olive Fox Paper Shop has some super cute choices.

Moving With the Military

Moving With the Military is a home improvement lifestyle series that celebrates military families with home makeovers.

Facebook Groups

In my own Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life Facebook group you can find a ton of posts based on duty stations both in the US and OCONUS. Just join the group, and do a search to see if your questions have already been asked about your future duty station.

PCS Like a Pro is an educational and supportive community for all things PCS related.

White Walls is a group to help with interior decor inspiration to make your military home feel like home.

Lost During My PCS is a group to help military families find missing items that they have lost during a PCS.

Military PCS With Pets is all about sharing information on how to PCS with pets.

Articles and Blog Posts About PCSing

5 Things to Do When You Get PCS Orders

PCS: Moving the Family Pet

Checklist for PCS Moves

The Ultimate PCS Guide to Packing Out – with Printables!

Bloom Where You Are Planted – 5 Things To Make A New House Feel Like Home

How to Buy and Sell a House at the Same Time

Tips for First-Time Military Homebuyers (and Mistakes to Avoid!)

50 Tips You NEED Before Your Next PCS Move

PCSing with an EFMP family member

Duty Station Guest Posts – Here at Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life you can find many different guest posts on duty stations both CONUS and OCONUS.

PCSing This Summer? These Relocation Tips Will Help!

PCSing can be such a big part of military life. Whether you are moving four hours or 3,000 miles away from your previous home. Luckily, there are many resources out there to help including the ones listed above. Good luck! And enjoy this part of military life.

So You Just Found Out You’re Pregnant, And Your Spouse is Deploying

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So You Just Found Out You’re Pregnant, And Your Spouse is Deploying

You were trying, or maybe you weren’t. But the test is clear. You are pregnant, maybe with your first, maybe with your 4th but you know what this means.

Another baby…

A sibling for your two-year-old…

You are growing your family, just like you wanted to.

And as happy as you are, as excited as you are, there is something looming over your happiness.

Your husband, the father of your child, is deploying soon.

And you aren’t sure how you are going to handle everything. You just found out you are pregnant and he’s deploying…

So You Just Found Out You’re Pregnant, And Your Spouse is Deploying

When I found out I was pregnant with baby #2, there was a deployment in our future. We didn’t know exactly when. We didn’t know how long he would be gone. But we knew the deployment would happen.

And then it did. He left when I was 25 weeks pregnant, and I knew I had to figure out how to find my strength to get through this. I knew this deployment and pregnancy wasn’t going to be easy.

I had an almost two-year-old I would still need to take care of. I was already so tired but now I would be solo parenting. I also needed to figure out who would be with me during the birth. We didn’t know if my husband would be able to be there for that.

After he left and the deployment started, I went into survival mode and somehow got through the rest of my pregnancy. I made plans with friends, I asked my mom to come to stay with me over my due date, and I took each day as it came, making the best of the time with just my two-year-old.

If you have just found out you are pregnant and know there is a deployment in your future, here are a few things to think about:

Make Friends

Making friends through all of this is going to be such an important thing to do. You don’t have to go through this alone and having people who get what you are going through or can be there for you through everything is a must. When you are pregnant, you can also start getting out there and meeting other moms through places like MOPS or other groups on and off post.

Make Plans

With being pregnant and having a deployed spouse, you are going to need to make some plans. Who will you have there during your birth? What do you need to buy for your new baby? What will you do when you go into labor?

Make Time For Yourself

You need to make sure you are making time for yourself. You need to take care of yourself and your baby. While staying busy is a must, you also want to make sure you aren’t taking on too much. Look at your schedule and see where you can take some time to just chill and relax, even if it is just for a few minutes a day.

Make Decisions For You

Being pregnant with a deployed spouse, you are going to have people give you all sorts of opinions about what you should do. From a family member insisting that you move home during the deployment to a neighbor expecting you to stay because she did. Try to figure out what would be best for you and your own situation and make decisions for you and your family.

So many of us have been through a pregnancy with a deployed service member or a spouse who has to be away for another type of training. When this happens it can bring up so many different feelings. You might wonder why your spouse has to miss such a precious time in your life.

Figuring out the tools to get you through this time is so important. You can figure out what works for you and your situation. And doing that can get you through the pregnancy, the birth, and any other time your spouse will have to miss.

Have you been pregnant during a deployment? What got you through?

How Military Spouses Can Chase Their Dreams During Military Life

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How Military Spouses Can Chase Their Dreams During Military Life

One of the hot topics in the military spouse world is how we as military spouses can chase our dreams during the craziness of military life. There is always a reason to not move forward. There always seems to be obstacles in our way. But does it have to be this way?

How Military Spouses Can Chase Their Dreams During Military Life

Here are a few things you can do to still chase your dreams as a military spouse:

Go to School

Going to school is something you can do to further your own career. You can go back to school, and finish a degree you have already started. You can look to get another degree or to start college in the first place. You have a lot of options for what you can do to further your education.

Sit down and think about what you would want to do. Look at the different programs that are out there and figure out what will work for you. Take the first step and look into applying to get started. You will be glad that you did.

I get commissions for purchases made through some of the links in this post.

Write a Book

Do you know a lot about a certain topic that you want to share with the world? Are you a fiction writer, ready to start putting your stories down on paper? Maybe now is the time for you to write your book. If nothing else, get your ideas out on paper and see where that leads.

These days, you don’t have to go with a traditional publisher. Many writers self-publish their own Ebooks, and that can be an option for you. Do your research on writing a book and follow your book writing dream.

Start a Business

Military spouses love to start businesses. There are different ways to do this too. You can join a direct sales business and skip some of the steps to get started. You might be a creator and can start to sell your own homemade products. For some, selling advice or career help can be a way to get going on a business.

There are so many options these days, and you are not limited by what is available locally. The whole internet is at your fingertips. Military spouses are rocking it as successful entrepreneurs and that might be the right direction for you too.

Find a new job

Maybe you are a SAHM or maybe you are in a job you are not too excited about. Finding a new job could be the answer. You can find a job that will get you closer to where you want to be long-term.

For example, if you are good at managing your money, you might consider a career as a financial advisor. First Command explains a bit why in this article.

Don’t get discouraged about finding a job and keep looking until you find something. Sometimes this might mean thinking outside the box. You might not always end up with your dream job, your current duty station could make that impossible, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find something that will work for the current season of your life.

Sign-up for LinkedIn

LinkedIn is more than just a place to search for jobs. LinkedIn is filled with networking opportunities. You never know who you might connect with or what that relationship will lead to.

Volunteer

There are always plenty of volunteer opportunities in your community. Some might be on base or post, and some might be off. If you want to work on a particular career in the future, look at what you can do that is similar or will help you later on. Volunteer work can look excellent on a resume and can fill in gaps if you are unable to find another type of job.

Find legitimate, professional work-at-home jobs in 50+ career categories with FlexJobs.

Whatever you decide to do, remember, your dreams are important too. While there could be certain circumstances when you can’t do exactly what you want to do for your career or your future during certain seasons of life, that does not mean this will be the case forever. Don’t be afraid to dream big, know that you can follow your own heart, and figure out how to make things work during your spouse’s military career.

How have you worked on your own career during your time as a military spouse?

The Waiting Military Spouse

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The Waiting Military Spouse

The Waiting Military Spouse

Military spouses have to wait. This is so much a part of the military lifestyle. So much a part of our lives as military spouses.

We wait for the enlistment to go through, not really knowing how much our life could change. Not really knowing what this will mean for us, for our marriage, for our family.

We wait for the first duty station. Will we stay close to home? Will we go overseas? Will we get homesick?

We wait for the movers to come. Is everything ready? Will anything break? Are we really doing this?

We are the waiting military spouses, always waiting on something. Always trying to make the best of it. Always looking for the silver lining.

We wait to feel like this new place as home, and wonder if it might never be. We wait to find new friends, missing those back at home or a previous duty station. We wait to figure out how to find our way in this new community.

We wait on deployment orders, knowing they will come soon. We wonder how we will make it through those months apart, and how we should handle the months before they have to go. We wonder what the deployment will really be like and if we have the strength to get through.

We wait as our spouse leaves for overseas, praying they make it home again. Praying that everyone stays safe. Praying that we can get through this time apart, even if one day at a time.

We wait as the homecoming date seems to change. We wait as we have to help our children through the deployment. We wait as the days seem long, and the weeks feel even longer.

We wait during those last few weeks of deployment. We wait to get the call they are actually coming home. And we wait with a toddler on our hip as we watch the plane land or the ship come in.

We wait as things will take time to get back to normal, and we wonder if they might never actually do so. We wait as we have to work to bring our spouse back into the family dynamic, and wonder if it is as hard for us as it is for other military families.

We wait on PCS orders, taking us to a new location. We are never really sure what that new home will be like. We hope for the best, and try to take it all in stride.

We wait to work on our own careers, knowing we can’t do exactly what we want from an overseas location. We wait to start our own path because sometimes solo parenting is a little too difficult. We sometimes have to wait on our own dreams or be creative in how to pursue them through the ups and downs of military life.

As military spouses, waiting is all a part of the game. We know this, and yet sometimes, that waiting seems too hard. We have to find ways to be patient, even if that patience doesn’t come naturally. Even if that patience is difficult to find.

We wait. For our spouse. For their career. For everything military life brings us. We wait. That’s what we do. We are the waiting military spouses.

Getting PCS Orders to a Place You Really Don’t Want to Go

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Getting PCS Orders to a Place You Really Don't Want to Go

Getting PCS Orders to a Place You Really Don’t Want to Go

This post contains affiliate links! 

You are waiting on PCS orders, hoping for Hawaii or even Germany. If you can’t go OCONUS, you are pulling for Fort Carson, your best friend lives there and you have heard so many good things. Your spouse comes home with orders for Fort Bliss.

After 5 years overseas you just want to get stationed somewhere on the East Coast so you will be just a few hours from your family. You learn you will be PCSing to JBLM in Washington.

After spending 10 years in landlocked states you are hoping for a PCS to anywhere near an ocean. He gets orders to Fort Riley.

As any military spouse can tell you, there are certain places we want to go and certain places we don’t. Sure, most of us would love to PCS to some of the more popular military installation locations but that isn’t always what goes into where you want to go. Sometimes you just want to be close to home. Sometimes you just want to see another part of the world.

But what do you do when you get those long-awaited orders and they are for a place you don’t want to go?

The orders are for a place too far away from home or too different from what you expected. What if you get orders for a place you have heard nothing but bad things about? How can you get past that? How can you get excited for your new adventure when all you feel about it is dread?

Here are some ideas for when you get pcs orders to a place you don’t want to go:

Talk to people who like the area

I don’t care where you are going, you can always find at least one person that liked that duty station. Trust me. Some people are just able to bloom where the are stationed and others are able to find that one thing to make their current location enjoyable.

See if you can find people to talk to that live or have lived in that location. Most places have Facebook groups. I have duty station guest posts you can read. Ask for real-life advice on social media.

Investigate

Once you find out where you are going, you can start your PCS planning process. If you are not excited about where you are going, spend some time looking into your new home. Find out what is nearby, what people do for fun, what your housing choices are.

The more you can learn about your new duty station the better prepared you can be once you move there and you are setting up your new life. Check out PCSgrades for more information about housing areas and neighborhoods that you might want to live in.

Make plans

Make a plan for once you get to your new home. Where will you go to make friends? What will you do for fun?

If you can figure some of this out before you go, you will be more excited to get there. If you would like to find a job in your new location, get your resume ready and seek out what is available to you. You can also look into working from home if that is something you would like to do.

Visit home before you go

If you are going to be stationed far from home, why not plan a trip back home before you go? See if you can work that in. See the people you want to see and do all the things you know you will miss while you are stationed far away.

Homesickness is real but planning a big trip to see everyone can help. And know that just because you will be stationed far away doesn’t mean you won’t ever be able to visit during the years you are there. You might be able to plan a trip or take advantage of Space-A if you are overseas.

What about you? Did you ever end up in a place you didn’t think you would like? Do you have PCS orders to somewhere you are not sure you will like? Leave a comment 🙂

For the MilSpouse Right in the Middle of a Deployment

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For the MilSpouse Right in the Middle of a Deployment

Getting used to a deployment can be pretty difficult and let’s face it, do you ever really get used to a deployment? Nah, not really, but something happens a few weeks or even months in. You get to a place where the deployment doesn’t feel as gut-wrenching. You might even feel that you have a handle on things.

You have a routine now. Wake up, make breakfast, get the kids to school, head to work, come home, make dinner, etc. You are now used to not having that extra person around the house. Sure, you still have bad deployment days, days when you are so sad and just want to cry into your pillow. But at the same time, you feel a bit stronger than you did when they first left. A little less heartbroken.

But then you hit a point, middle deployment. The time when they have been away for a while but you still have a ways to go. The time when you look at all you have gone through but still know you have such a long road until homecoming. You want to be stronger, you want to keep going but knowing you are not at the finish line can be hard to take.

What should you do? How can you keep going? How can you turn things around and get through the rest of the deployment?

Here are some ideas!

Work on a goal list

If you haven’t already started a deployment goal list, now is the time. What do you want to get done before the deployment is over? What projects do you think you can tackle over the next few months? What have you always wanted to do in life but never felt like there was time to do? A deployment goal list will allow you to focus, and get working on your goals, even those that will take longer than a deployment to complete.

Write more love letters

If you haven’t already, start writing your spouse love letters. Write more love letters than you used to. Pour out your heart to the man or woman you love. Buy new stationery, add fun stickers, look for silly or sexy rated cards.

There are quite a few fun ones out there. Make a plan to write once a week. Take photos to share. Send more care packages.

Throw a party

Throw a halfway party with some of the other spouses. Sometimes the FRG likes to do a 50 day or 100-day party. If not, throw one yourself.

Don’t like to cook? Make it a pot-luck. Is the weather nice? Have a picnic party. Do something to celebrate the time you have already gone through in this deployment.

During COVID, you could throw your party virtually! Plan a date for everyone to get on Zoom to celebrate. Get a drink and party in your PJs from your own home. And that might not be a bad idea for after COVID too.

Start a long book series

Being lost in a book is a great idea. Start a long book series and get to reading. This would be a great time to start Harry Potter if you haven’t yet or go ahead and read the books a second time. Some other ideas are The Southern Vampire Mysteries, the series True Blood was based on, or the Outlander series, my favorite.

Sign up for a new volunteer position

A lot of groups on posts are always looking for volunteers. You could also work in your child’s school, coach a sports team or look for places in your community that need a little help. If you have a lot of free time, pour yourself into something new. Doing so will make the days go by faster, helping others will be good for your soul and you might even make some new friends because of it.

Take a trip

If you can, go on a trip. That is one of the best ways to make it through that middle deployment period. If you don’t have kids, or even if you do, see if a friend wants to go with you. During our 2nd deployment, my friend and I planned a trip to Garmisch during the middle of the deployment. It was a lot of fun and we were able to get out and explore a bit even though our husbands were gone.

No matter how long your deployment is, you will probably hit this middle point and will feel like the deployment will last forever. Don’t worry, it won’t. You will get through these months and eventually you will be on your way to go pick up your spouse, with tears in your eyes and a smile on your face.

What has helped you get through this part of deployment?

When is The Best Time For a Military Family To Have a Baby?

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When is The Best Time For a Military Family To Have a Baby?

When is The Best Time For a Military Family To Have a Baby?

We started this military journey with one little boy. Over the years we added two more and many times I wonder what we would have done had we started this journey without any children.

As you probably already know, when you have children as a military family you will be a solo parent, at least some of the time. You know that your spouse can miss the birth of your child, your pregnancy, and the terrible twos.

The truth is, a lot of military couples end up having children, at least after a couple of years. And they have them despite the stresses of military life. But when is the best time for a military family to have a baby? Should you even try to plan?

When we got pregnant with our 2nd little boy, we knew my husband would probably be deployed when he was born. We knew that a deployment was in the future but we also wanted to have another baby. The timing worked for us in every other way.

During our 1st deployment, I had friends who got pregnant over R&R, assuming their husband would be back home a few months before the birth. In the end, the Dads came home to two-month-olds because the deployment got extended.

The truth is, you can’t plan to have a baby around military life.

Missions, deployments, and orders change all of the time. What you think is going to happen will probably change during the nine months of your pregnancy. If you try to plan for your spouse to be home with you during the birth, things could change and they could be gone anyway, despite the best type of planning.

If you plan to get pregnant right after deployment, you will improve the chances that they will not be deployed when the baby is born but none of that is foolproof. For one thing, they could deploy again. For another, they could have to go to some type of training and be gone anyway.

Sometimes it takes you longer to get pregnant than you think

Even if you got pregnant pretty quickly in the past, that might not be the case in the future. Infertility can cause extra stress when it comes to planning around the military.

If you have a spouse that comes and goes a lot, you could keep missing the window to get pregnant and that can be frustrating. There is a lot to think about when deciding to have a child under this type of pressure.

How long will they be in the military?

How long they plan to serve can be a factor in when you should have a baby. If you are rather young and they only plan to serve a few years, waiting until military life is over might just be the best choice. You would be able to avoid the stresses of solo parenting and enjoy the time you two have together before kids come.

If you are older, this might not be an option. I know for us it wasn’t because we already had one child and knew we wanted a couple more. We didn’t know how long my husband was going to be in the military and my husband was already in his 30s.

If your spouse is planning to do 20+ years in the military, waiting until they get out might not be an option. You might have to decide to have children while he is still serving.

Do you both agree on having children?

Do you both agree on having children? Do you both agree on having children right now? Talk about what your plans are for having kids. Make sure you are on the same page.

If you want a baby right now, and your spouse wants to have one in five years, having one in the middle of military life can make everything a lot more stressful.

The most important thing is to be on the same page. Talk about your options and come up with a plan. That could be having a baby right now, that could be waiting another five years.

It’s okay to wait

I have quite a few friends who didn’t have children until they were in their 30s. I have friends that simply do not want to have children at all. That is okay too.

Just because so many do have children in the military, that doesn’t mean you have to, or that you are behind in life. Your life goals are just as important.

Remember, when you are trying to decide when the best time to have a baby in the military is, there really isn’t one.

There can be benefits to having them gone during certain parts of pregnancy. When my husband was gone during the early months, that made breastfeeding in the middle of the night a bit easier. However, he missed being there during that time.

The best thing to do is to figure out what you want for your future family, know that your spouse could miss important parts of the pregnancy or the child’s life, and figure out how you will get through those times if they happen.

Know that raising kids in the military can be a beautiful thing. They can experience things that other kids never will. They get an up and close view of the military and can learn so many life lessons at an early age.

What have you decided about having children as a military family? Are you going to wait until they get out? Is waiting not an option?

The Truth About Valentine’s Day When You Are a Military Spouse

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The Truth About Valentine's Day When You Are a Military Spouse

The Truth About Valentine’s Day When You Are a Military Spouse

Flowers, chocolate, candy hearts, and expectations. It sounds like another Valentine’s Day is around the corner, but when you are a military spouse, this holiday probably isn’t going to be as exciting as it could be…


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For one thing, your spouse might be gone. They might be deployed, across the ocean. So you are not even going to see your spouse on the 14th. And that being the case, ignoring the whole thing is pretty easy to do. You tell yourself it is just a made up holiday anyway, who cares.


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But then, you are walking through Target and you see the chocolate, and you think, wouldn’t it be nice to get some chocolate this year? If nothing else, just some chocolate? Because if you are going to be alone for Valentine’s Day, you might as well have chocolate, right?


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So you buy yourself a box and decide that no matter what, you are going to have a good February 14th, you are going to have a good Valentine’s Day. Once you get home you remember you were going to send a Valentine’s Day care package to your husband, only it is already February 10th so it is going to be a little late. And you wonder if he will even care really. Sure, he loves to get a package from you but does it need to be a Valentine’s Day care package?


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Ya, you think, maybe I will just wait until after Valentine’s Day, buy him some 50% off chocolate and send that instead. But then, I have my kids to think about. And the fact that they need Valentines for their classes, guess you are going back to Target to pick some out. In a perfect world you would get on Pinterest, pick out a cute idea and get to work but Marvel, Barbie, and those addictive candy hearts are going to have to sponsor Valentine’s Day this year.


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And then it is Valentine’s Day, and since your husband is off making our nation a better place, you have to decide how you are going to spend the day. The kids are armed with Valentines for their classmates, you also got them a couple of things because in the end, Valentine’s Day is about love and you do love your children. You decide to get one of those heart pizza’s for dinner because your kids will get a kick out of it and hey, it’s pizza.


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So you finish dinner, the kids loved the heart-shaped pizza and hey, you didn’t have to cook so that was a win. After the kids go to bed you dig into your chocolate hoping that your husband will get online and at least wish you happy Valentine’s Day. So you put on a cheezy romance of some kind and wait with your chocolate, you know the chocolate you bought to have on this day.


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And as you wait you just tell yourself that next year he will be home and you will go big. You will get a babysitter and hit the town. It’s just this year that kinda sucks. But then you remember last year, when he was home, and you pretty much did the same thing as you are doing this year, because you have kids and you are on a budget and really, Valentine’s Day isn’t such a big deal anyways.


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And right before you go to bed, he gets online and you say your “Happy Valentine’s Day” to each other. You smile because you are happy to be married to this guy and no that no matter how many Valentine’s Days he has to miss, you will always love him. And you know that there will always be plenty of chocolate to get through anything you two have to endure during his military career.


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