Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Julie

Military Life is Hard and It’s Okay To Say So

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Military Life is Hard and It's Okay To Say So

Military life is hard, and it’s okay to say so!

When I started my blog in 2009, I did so for a few reasons. I was a bit bored but more than that, I wanted to share what I was going through. I knew I couldn’t be the only military spouse that felt the way that I did. I was at the end of our 2nd deployment, missing my husband, and just waiting for the day he would be home.

One of the first things I noticed when I started getting into blogging was the online military community. Other bloggers and readers who had been through what I had been through and who understood what military life was like. Over the years I have met so many military spouses online that are looking for tips and encouragement to get through their deployment or whatever else military life has thrown at them.

Over the years I have heard some people say that military life isn’t hard or that because life is more difficult for other people, we shouldn’t even talk about what we are going through. They say that we should only speak of the positives of this life. That talking about the negatives isn’t good.

While I agree that if you only talk about the bad, this life is going to be even harder, but I also know that military life is hard and it’s okay to say so.

Military Life is Hard and It's Okay To Say So

Why It’s Okay to Say Military Life Is Hard

Here on my blog and in my online communities, I understand that not everything is going to be easy. I understand that some days are just going to be quite horrible. But you know what? There are a lot of benefits in sharing our stories, in letting others know what we are going through, and talking about when life gets hard.

Being Honest About Military Life Makes You Real

Things changed for us as soon as my husband joined the Army. He was gone, for months. He wasn’t always there like he was before. He had more rules and regulations than he did in civilian life. Everything changed for us. And life got a lot harder.

Military life brings deployments, pcsing every few years, and life changes you would never have thought about before. You might give birth without your husband, they might miss your son’s first day of kindergarten or even high school graduation, and they might not be around when you need them the most.

So when someone talks about how hard military life is, they are being real about their experiences.

Real about the changes this life will bring, real about how difficult some seasons of this life are, and real about what’s going to happen during their spouse’s career.

Being real about military life also means talking about how wonderful living in Germany is, how amazing homecoming will be, and how you would never have met the friends you did had you never become a military spouse.

Whether you are going through a difficult time or having better milspouse moments, being real about your life is a good thing.

Most Military Spouses Know This Life Can Be Hard

Although I am sure there are some who get through the years of military life and don’t even seem to feel the hardships some of us too, this has not been the norm.

Every day I hear from military spouses who have just started a deployment, are in the middle of a deployment, or are struggling through the last few months of a deployment. All of them are looking for ways to make it through, to find friends who know what they are going through, and to figure out the best way to handle their current situation.

At the end of the day, we are all on our own military road. Some roads will be bumpier than others, and that’s okay. Some will have it much harder than you do and some have it easier. That doesn’t change the fact that you are dealing with your own set of challenges that are unique to you and your family.

Sharing Our Struggles Helps Us Support One Another

When we don’t share our struggles, we can’t help one another out. When we stay silent, we don’t know who needs that extra set of hands or who needs a listening ear. When we all act like we have everything together, we can overlook those who are falling behind, and that isn’t a good thing for our military community.

While we don’t want to spend all of our time as a military spouse walking around with a pout on our faces, we can stop and recognize when things are a little too much to handle on our own. We might need to reach out to a friend, to a professional, or change a few things to make our lives a little easier.

A Reminder for the Military Spouse Who Is Struggling

Military life can be hard, and admitting that does not mean you are negative, ungrateful, or failing at this life. It means you are being honest about what you are going through.

  • You are allowed to say this is hard. Deployments, PCS moves, missed milestones, and constant change can take a real toll.
  • You are not the only one struggling. Other military spouses have felt lonely, overwhelmed, tired, and unsure how to keep going.
  • Sharing your story can help someone else. When we are honest, we remind others that they do not have to walk through military life alone.
  • Support matters. Friends, community, counseling, and practical help can make hard seasons feel more manageable.

Military Life is Hard and It's Okay To Say So

Talking About the Hard Parts Reminds Us We Are Not Alone

In the end, sharing our milspouse struggles helps others know they are not alone. When I share about my deployments, I hope that others can take comfort in knowing they are not the only one going through what they are at the moment. When I talk about the deployment ache, I hope that others can say, “Yes! That is exactly how I feel too.”

When you are struggling, knowing you are not alone can go a long way in figuring out how to make life better for yourself. Whether the struggle is deployment, miscarriage, divorce, infertility, the loss of a family member, a sick child or something else.

When you struggle, knowing others have been through what you have been through can help you see there is a way out, that there are things you can do to make life better, and that you don’t have to walk through all of this on your own.

What do you know when you feel you are struggling? Who do you turn to for extra help?

Frequently Asked Questions About Military Life Being Hard

Is it normal to think military life is hard?

Yes, it is normal. Military life can include deployments, PCS moves, missed milestones, solo parenting, uncertainty, loneliness, and constant change. Admitting that it is hard does not mean you are not strong enough for military life.

Why should military spouses talk about the hard parts?

Talking about the hard parts can help military spouses feel less alone. When we share our struggles honestly, other spouses can feel seen, encouraged, and more willing to reach out for support.

Does saying military life is hard mean I am being negative?

No. You can be grateful for the good parts of military life and still admit that some seasons are difficult. Being honest about your experience is different from only focusing on the negative.

Where can military spouses find support?

Military spouses can find support through trusted friends, local military community groups, Military OneSource, counseling resources, deployment support programs, online communities, and other spouses who understand military life.

More on Military life…

Stop Saying That We Knew What We Were Getting Into

To the Military Spouse That Does Not Live in a Military Community

9 Things That Can Hurt a Military Marriage

How Military Spouses Can Chase Their Dreams During Military Life

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How Military Spouses Can Chase Their Dreams During Military Life

One of the hot topics in the military spouse world is how we, as military spouses, can chase our dreams during the craziness of military life. There is always a reason not to move forward, and there always seem to be obstacles in our way. But does it have to be this way?

Here are a few things you can do to still chase your dreams as a military spouse:

Go to School

Going to school is something you can do to further your own career. You can go back to school, and finish a degree you have already started. You can look to get another degree or to start college in the first place. You have a lot of options for what you can do to further your education.

Sit down and think about what you would want to do. Look at the different programs that are out there and figure out what will work for you. Take the first step and look into applying to get started. You will be glad that you did.

Write a Book

Do you know much about a topic you want to share with the world? Are you a fiction writer, ready to start putting your stories down on paper? Maybe now is the time for you to write your book. If nothing else, get your ideas out on paper and see where that leads.

These days, you don’t have to go with a traditional publisher. Many writers self-publish their own Ebooks, and that can be an option for you. Do your research on writing a book and follow your book writing dream.

Start a Business

Military spouses love to start businesses. There are different ways to do this too. You can join a direct sales business and skip some of the steps to get started. You might be a creator and can start to sell your own homemade products. For some, selling advice or career help can be a way to get going on a business.

There are so many options these days, and you are not limited by what is available locally. The whole internet is at your fingertips. Military spouses are rocking it as successful entrepreneurs and that might be the right direction for you too.

Find a new job

Maybe you are a SAHM or maybe you are in a job you are not too excited about. Finding a new job could be the answer. You can find a job that will get you closer to where you want to be in the long term.

How Military Spouses Can Chase Their Dreams During Military Life

For example, if you are good at managing your money, you might consider a career as a financial advisor. First Command explains a bit why in this article.

Don’t get discouraged about finding a job and keep looking until you find something. Sometimes this might mean thinking outside the box. You might not always end up with your dream job, your current duty station could make that impossible, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find something that will work for the current season of your life.

Sign-up for LinkedIn

LinkedIn is more than just a place to search for jobs. LinkedIn is filled with networking opportunities. You never know who you might connect with or what that relationship will lead to.

Volunteer

There are always plenty of volunteer opportunities in your community. Some might be on base or post, and some might be off. If you want to work on a particular career in the future, look at what you can do that is similar or will help you later on. Volunteer work can look excellent on a resume and can fill in gaps if you are unable to find another type of job.

Whatever you decide to do, remember, your dreams are important too. While there could be certain circumstances when you can’t do exactly what you want to do for your career or your future during certain seasons of life, that does not mean this will be the case forever. Don’t be afraid to dream big, know that you can follow your own heart, and figure out how to make things work during your spouse’s military career.

How have you worked on your own career during your time as a military spouse?

Raising Neurodivergent Young Adults: What I’ve Learned Along the Way

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Raising Neurodivergent Young Adults: What I’ve Learned Along the Way

Raising neurodivergent young adults is something I didn’t think too much about when my kids were little.

My two older boys are both on the autism spectrum. One was diagnosed at 5, the other at 20. They are quite different, but both face challenges related to their diagnoses.

What Raising Neurodivergent Young Adults Looks Like

But what does raising neurodivergent young adults look like? How is it different than your typical young adult experience? How do you relate when things are so different for them than they were when you were their age?

What Does Raising Neurodivergent Young Adults Look Like?

Raising neurodivergent young adults often means letting go of the timeline you expected and learning to support the young adult in front of you. Independence, college, work, friendships, dating, driving, and moving out may all look different, and that does not mean your child is failing.

For parents, it can mean celebrating quiet wins, managing worry in a new way, avoiding comparison, and remembering that every neurodivergent young adult has their own path into adulthood.

There Is No “Normal” Timeline

One thing that was true when they were little, and still is true now, is that there isn’t a “normal” timeline. I already know that many neurodivergent young adults have their own timeline for things. Even neurotypical kids do. Not everyone will follow the same pattern.

It might take my kids a lot longer to get through college. It might take them longer to start dating, to drive, and to find what they want to do in life. And that’s okay. It is something I really have to remind myself of.

Independence Looks Different for Everyone

What does it actually mean to be independent when you have autism? Can you still live at home? Do you have to do everything yourself?

The answer to these questions is different for every neurodivergent young adult. In a perfect world, we would live on a piece of land, and my sons could have their own tiny homes. This would give them independence, but also let them know we are there if they need us. Unfortunately, that isn’t an option right now, and I am not sure what moving out looks like for them.

That being said, they are both able to work, do their laundry, make their own food, manage their money, and handle other tasks that young adults handle. In some ways, they are not so different from anyone else. They just need a little extra help sometimes.

The Worry Doesn’t Go Away—It Changes

Mothers will always worry about their children. It’s part of being a mother. And it changes as they get older.

The same is true for kids with special needs. When they are little, you have certain worries. When they are grown, you might not have those same worries, but you will have other ones.

I no longer worry that my son won’t be able to handle a room full of people; I worry he will have trouble making friends at work.

I no longer worry I have to show up with him everywhere, but I worry what his 20s and 30s might look like.

I no longer worry about getting through school, but I worry that he will be misunderstood by people.

Comparison Will Steal Your Peace

If I am honest, this is the hardest part about raising neurodivergent young adults. The comparison. Not only to people their own age but to myself at that age. When I was 19, 20, 21, my life looked completely different. I did not have the challenges they do.

If I didn’t like my part-time job, I looked for another one. I moved out at age 18, and I had an active social life.

But jealousy creeps in. And it really always has. When you have special needs kids, it can hurt your heart when you see other kids doing things you wish your kids could do too. I felt this way back when my son was a child, and I had to sit with him during a game while all the other kids could play it independently. And I felt it when his peers went off to college miles away, and he chose to take a few classes online at home.

The key is not to let jealousy control you. Acknowledge it, but then remember, each kid, no matter who they are or what their challenges are, is on their own path. There are so many wins for both neurodivergent and neurotypical young adults that there is no reason to compare. But at the end of the day, it is really, really hard not to.

A Reminder for Parents of Neurodivergent Young Adults

Raising neurodivergent young adults can look different from what you expected, and it is okay to feel the weight of that while still celebrating who your children are becoming.

  • There is no one “normal” timeline. College, work, dating, driving, friendships, and independence may happen differently, and that does not make the path less meaningful.
  • Independence can look different. Some young adults need more support than others, and that support can still exist alongside growth.
  • Comparison can hurt. It is okay to notice the grief, but try not to let someone else’s path define your child’s progress.
  • The quiet wins matter. A new job, a new skill, a brave conversation, or one more step forward is worth celebrating.

You Learn to Celebrate the Quiet Wins

A few months ago, my son got his first job. I was so proud of him. That was a BIG win, but we celebrate the smaller ones too.

The things he learns to do may be something someone else his age learned years ago. The little things that maybe even I notice.

Celebrating the small wins gives you so much hope and pride to carry you through to the next challenge that may arise.

You’re Still Learning, Too

I am still trying to figure it all out. I make mistakes, I change how I move forward, and we figure it out together.

What works for one kid, might not work for another. That’s a big struggle too.

How do I help each one of my boys based on what they need, and that’s even including my other son too.

I give myself grace because I have to. I am doing the best I can and figuring it out along the way.

It’s Okay to Feel Everything

As a 19-21-year-old, I had moved 9 hours from home, then across the whole country. I was in college, had a job, and a full social life. Things look a bit different for my kids, and that can be difficult to come to terms with.

Some days it makes me cry, but that’s when I remind myself. My kids are not me. I was not my kids.

And they are on their own paths, whatever that looks like.

And as the years go by, I will keep learning. I will keep loving them. I will keep helping them be who they are meant to be.

What Military Spouse Life, Mental Health, and Solo Parenting Really Look Like

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What Military Spouse Life, Mental Health, and Solo Parenting Really Look Like

It’s been a long time since my husband deployed. He’s been retired for about 2.5 years now, so we haven’t had to deal with any military training in a while. Because of that, and because I run a military spouse blog, it is still on my mind.

I think about the deployments we went through, and why they were challenging to me. Some more than others. I think about how that first deployment was extended and ended up being 15 months total. I think about our last deployment and how it came at the worst possible time in our lives for me to be a solo parent, right after my son’s autism diagnosis.

Part of me wonders how I got through it all. The other wonders what I could have done to make it easier for myself back then. I hate to think about my past with a bunch of “what-ifs,” but I also can’t help but think about those military deployments, seasons of solo parenting, and my own mental health.

I wonder, can anyone really handle being a military spouse? Why did I struggle so much? What does this mean for military spouses and their mental health?

Military Spouse Life Can Put You in Survival Mode

The truth is, military spouse life can and does put military spouses in survival mode. Solo parenting, constant moves, uncertainty. It’s so much to deal with.

Without a strong village, things can fall apart quite fast.

And not everyone handles it the same way. Years of living in survival mode can really hit a person hard. Even with a strong support system.

Solo Parenting During Deployment Is More Than Just Being Busy

Being both mom and dad to children takes a toll. But it is more than just doing everything. It means being the only one who can consistently be there for your kids. It’s about figuring out every aspect of everything your children might need. It’s about not having a partner to take over during the harder times, and help you work through problems you need to deal with.

When my husband deployed for the first time, I had a two-year-old, and I was 25 weeks pregnant with my second child. I had no idea what I was in for. We were in Germany, too many miles away for a quick visit back home.

We somehow got through a 15-month deployment. But not without a lot of tears, and I will wonder to this day what my children missed out on by having their Dad gone that long. I will always wonder what I could have done to make that time easier for myself, and maybe better for my children.

However, I know I did what I could. I made plans with friends all of the time. I had my own hobbies, and I binged-watched a ton of TV before streaming was a thing – thank you to the DVDs at the on-post library.

When Parenting Needs Become More Complicated

When we started our military journey, we had a one-year-old. Over the years, we not only grew our family but also added some diagnoses. Autism, developmental delays, and anxiety. And that made everything a lot more complicated.

What do you do when things do become more complicated? Things you never saw coming.

This is when finding extra support and a good community matters. This is when you need to find your people more than ever. This is when you have to give yourself more grace than you ever have before.

When my parenting needs got more difficult, my husband started deploying. And yes, that complicated things for me. Was this why I struggled so much at times? Was this why solo parenting seemed to hit me harder than it did others? Possibly.

I don’t want to compare hard, but I did have a lot to deal with, and I dealt with most of it with a husband in a war zone.

The Mental Load Military Spouses Carry

As military spouses, we carry a lot. We carry the household, the budget, connecting with our families of origin, the children, the pets, the mortgage, the cars, the broken things, the stressful things, the mundane things. Most of it falls to us, and sometimes that mental load is too much.

We have to find ways to break it up, to delegate, and to organize. We find friends to share some of it with, or to vent with. We try to keep it together for our spouse overseas. But still…we can break down from it all.

And as I look back, I think about how it was all a little too much. And yes, maybe that all comes with the territory of being a military spouse? Maybe it has to be like this for us, “because of the mission,” but still, it is never easy, and acknowledging that might be half the battle.

When Military Spouse Life Feels Like Survival Mode

Deployment, solo parenting, constant change, and complicated parenting seasons can take a real toll on military spouses. It is okay to admit that this life can feel heavy.

  • Survival mode is not failure. Sometimes you are doing the best you can with the support, energy, and information you have.
  • Solo parenting is more than staying busy. It means carrying the routines, decisions, emotions, and hard moments without your partner physically there.
  • Complicated parenting needs can make everything harder. Diagnoses, appointments, school concerns, and daily care can add another layer to deployment stress.
  • Your mental health matters too. You are allowed to need help, support, rest, and care while you are caring for everyone else.

Why “Strong” Isn’t Always the Compliment People Think It Is

We are military spouses; we are strong, right? “Oh Julie, you are so strong!” I have been told that many times over the years. And maybe I am, but maybe it’s because there is no other option.

What was I going to do when my husband was deployed, and I had three little kids at home? It was his job, and they said he had to go. Then again, not everyone can make it through.

Military spouses can and do experience higher rates of anxiety and depression, and those struggles deserve to be taken seriously.

Mental health can be a big issue for military spouses. According to a HealthyWomen article on military spouse mental health, 1 out of 8 military spouses screened positive for a major depressive episode, and 1 out of 6 experienced generalized anxiety. Those rates were nearly double the general population and similar to those of service members after combat.

Maybe we can’t do everything we are required to do. Not without some type of consequence. And not without extra help.

What the Military Community Can Do Better

We have all heard the saying, “If the military wanted you to have a wife, they would have issued you one…” but what should the modern military be doing to accommodate spouses? Mental health struggles are real, so what can really be done to help struggling military spouses while still allowing for the mission? Which, let’s face it, at the end of the day, is what seems to matter the most. Spouse or no spouse.

What can the military community really do to help? When I see some of the hateful things that can come from the community, I wonder what really can be done about that. What can the civilian community around military bases do to help? What can anyone really do?

What causes a military spouse to have a hard time? How does it move from “this is quite annoying” to “I am not sure I can get through the months ahead!” So much to think about!

What I Understand Now That I Didn’t Then

It is so easy to look back on my life and make a list of all the things I did wrong. Maybe I should have done this, maybe I should have done that. But in doing that, I am not being fair to myself.

I was living my life, dealing with stressful situations, and situations I had never experienced before. Sure, I had expectations about military life and solo parenting, but I really had no idea what it would be like until I was going through it.

I can see now, with the benefit of time, that I did the best I could. And I think most military spouses are as well. We take what we are given and try to make the best of it.

Taking Care of Your Mental Health as a Military Spouse

But can the US military sustain this way of life? Are there ways in which they need to “catch up” to a more modern way of doing things?

Over time, more and more spouses don’t want to stay at home as their earlier counterparts did. Military spouses have so many amazing careers now. They don’t want to move as often. They’re also more aware of what they need to do to support their mental health.

Because, really, that is what this all boils down to. Military spouses and their mental health. Military spouses and how they handle the challenges they face. Military spouses and how they can balance the stresses that military life brings.

I don’t know the solution. More resources available to those on post? Better planned-out deployment schedules? Moving every 5 years instead of 2-3? More counselors? Better pay? The list goes on and on.

Military Spouse Mental Health Resources

If you are struggling, you do not have to wait until things feel unbearable to reach out. Military spouses may be able to use Military OneSource counseling, MFLC support, TRICARE mental health care, or local civilian counseling options.

If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988. For the Veterans/Military Crisis Line, call 988 and press 1 or text 838255.

Military OneSource Counseling: https://www.militaryonesource.mil/benefits/confidential-counseling/

Veterans/Military Crisis Line: https://www.militaryonesource.mil/benefits/veterans-crisis-line/

Be part of your community, step out of your comfort zone and make a new friend, be kind to others, and when things get hard, get creative.

There isn’t one simple solution to get through military life, but I strongly believe in trying different things until we figure out what works. If one thing doesn’t, try another.

Military life can be hard, and sometimes it can leave marks long after the deployment is over. It is okay to say that. It is okay to admit that you struggled. It is okay to look back and realize you were doing the best you could with what you were given.

Have the difficult conversations. Ask for help. Use the resources available to you. Find your people. Try one thing, and if that doesn’t work, try something else.

You are not weak because military life felt hard. You are human. And your mental health matters too.

9 Ways To Save Money On A Super Tight Budget

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9 Ways to Stretch Your Budget When Money’s Really Tight

There are many reasons why a military family could be on a tight budget. They could be saving for a PCS, paying off debt, or simply hit by the economy, where everything seems to be going up in price.

There could be times during military life when you need a super tight budget and when you can spend a bit more. Whatever the reasons, there are things you can do to help you save money, not overspend, and be able to stick to your budget.

Here are 9 ideas for saving money on a tight budget:

Cut Down On Eating Out

Eating out will get you. We are a family of five, and sometimes even fast food costs between $50 and $60. Yikes! If you do this too many times a month, it can add up. If you go out to eat, try to find coupons and use your military discount. Look for kids eat free nights, and be smart about what you order. Try to look at eating out as a treat, not an everyday thing.

Use Coupons

If you don’t already coupon, you should. There are many different ways to do so, from clipping the coupons that come in the mail to using an app like Ibotta. You should also do your research about whether the Commissary is truly cheaper than another grocery store in your area. Sometimes it’s not.

Meet friends for coffee

Going out to lunch or dinner with friends can sometimes cost a pretty penny. If you meet for coffee, you can spend a lot less and still have a good time. And if you have kids, look for coffee shops near a playground. We have a few here at Fort Campbell that have been lifesavers for me over the years.

Shop thrift stores

Thrift stores can be fantastic places for finding deals, whether it is clothes that you know your kids are going to grow out of in less than a year or replacement dishes for your kitchen. Some thrift stores have days when specific items are on sale or when they offer certain discounts. Make sure to check to see if you have an on-post thrift store, too.

Find free events

Almost every community will have something free for you to do every weekend. You just have to look for what they are. You can search for events by city, topic, and date on Facebook. If you want to do something fun with your family, look and see what is going on and what you might want to do. You can have a lot of fun at free events and save money by going to them.

Cut Your Bills

Do you have many unnecessary subscriptions? It’s time to audit them and only keep the ones you really want. Check your other bills to see if you can lower them. Even $50-100 a month can make a difference.

Simply Say No

Saying no is powerful. You don’t have to say yes to everything. I know this is hard for some, but if you can say no sometimes, you will save yourself some stress and some money.

If someone invites you and your kids out to a movie and you don’t want to see it, say no. You could invite the friends over for a playdate instead. Don’t feel like you have to say yes to everything, especially when the more you say yes to the more money you will spend.

DIY vs Hiring Someone

If you can do a DIY project instead of hiring someone, do it. There is a lot of advice and ideas out there for learning how to do things around your home. Check out YouTube and Pinterest for ideas.

Use your library

With a good library, you never really have to buy books. You can get paperback and hardback books, as well as Kindle and audiobooks, using apps like the Libby app. Check with your library to see what they offer. In addition to books, your library might have a lot of community events going on such as movie nights, or even classes.

What creative ways have you been able to cut back on your spending and save money when you are on a tighter budget?

To the Seasoned Military Spouse

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the seasoned spouse

The truth is, you might be a seasoned military spouse, you might have advice to offer and you have definitely been there before, but you are also a human being.

You have done this before, deployments aren’t a new thing, and you feel like you have to be strong, for all the new military spouses around you.

But the reality is, after the FRG meeting is over, after you get home and crawl into bed, your heart still worries over this upcoming deployment. You wonder how you will get through another nine months apart. You wonder if this will be the deployment something bad happens, how many times can someone go over there and come back the same?

Just Because You Are a Seasoned Military Spouse…

Even as a seasoned military spouse, you have the right to miss your spouse too.

You have the right to not have all the answers.

You have the right to be the one that needs the shoulder to cry on instead of the other way around.

No Matter How Long You Have Been A Military Spouse

Because no matter how long you have been a military spouse, no matter how long you have lived a military life, you might never be fully prepared for your own emotions during the difficult parts.

As a seasoned spouse, you know that you can’t spend the whole deployment complaining, but it is okay to share with your close friends that you are having a hard time.

As a seasoned spouse, you probably look back on everything you have been through and wonder how you got to where you are today. You remember when you were the brand new spouse, walking onto your very first military installation, unsure of what the future held.

Looking for Deployment Advice?:

19 Solo Parenting Hacks to Use the Next Time Your Spouse Deploys

Sharing Your Personal Story is Important

As a seasoned spouse, you know you can help other military spouses and sharing your personal story can help them more than you might realize.

I know for myself, I have always looked at those who have been doing this longer than I have, and have been able to learn what worked for them, and even what didn’t.

There is this idea that in order to support your military service member you have to appear as an unmovable tower of strength. And maybe you don’t always feel like you are. Maybe you too need some encouragement.

It’s Okay to Ask For Help

So, to the seasoned military spouse, know that you have a lot to offer but you can also be the one asking for help. You can be the one that needs to vent, and you can be the one that just needs a night off from the stress.

The military changes over time and what things were like in 1999 were different than in 2009 and different even more here in 2019.

You might start to feel that what worked for you 10 years ago won’t work again now, and maybe that is true. However, you are resilient and you will find ways to cope, even if this new age of the military.

Be kind to yourself, take breaks when you can, and know that you can get through this too. Learn your strengths and be aware of your weaknesses. Reach out to others for help, and help those around you that might need that little extra support.

Do you consider yourself a seasoned military spouse?

To the Seasoned Military Spouse

The 10 Worst Duty Stations

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The 10 Worst Duty Stations

Duty stations are such a popular topic. People always want to know everything about where they are going to PCS or the differences between duty stations. They want to know all about the best duty stations, worst duty stations, and everything in between.

I have thought about making a list of the 10 worst duty stations for a while. I know there are certain places where people just dread going, and maybe for good reason. These places aren’t ideal, especially when you could get stationed at some amazing places.

However, I also strongly believe that you can “bloom where you are stationed” anywhere you might end up. That doesn’t mean you have to love your duty station, but that you don’t have to spend every day hating it, and that there are things to love about every place you might go.

So…what makes something the “worst” duty station? How can you get past that feeling? Well…here you go:

The duty station where your best friend just moved away

Finding your military spouse BFF is the best, but when that happens, something else will too, your best friend will probably have to move away at some point. And if they don’t, you do. And that sucks.

What can you do to help? Stay connected with them, even over the miles. Work to meet new people. And remember all those precious memories you’ve shared.

The duty station far from your family

Being away from family can be difficult for some people, especially if this is your first duty station. But there is something special about being out on your own, and making somewhere new your home. Try not to dwell on feeling homesick so much and work to find a place in your new location.

“You do not have to love your duty station to find something good there.”

The duty station where you can’t find a job

You have worked hard, went to college, and as soon as it was time for you to find a job, your service member spouse gets orders overseas. Now there is no way to find a job in your field. This can be so frustrating.

You can stay behind, but that isn’t an option for most families. You can look and see what volunteer jobs you can get at your new duty station that you can add to your resume. You can think outside the box and try something different, or even work hard to find that ideal job, despite the difficulties of finding one where you are currently living.

The duty station that deploys your spouse too much

One question that comes up a lot is “how often is my spouse going to deploy if we PCS to this duty station,” but that question is hard to answer. The number of times they deploy, how long they are gone, and everything related to deployments depend on many factors.

The best thing to do if your spouse is going to deploy a lot is find a good friend circle, fill up your calendars as much as you can, and know you are not alone in this.

The duty station with awful housing

Sometimes, there is nothing you can do about bad housing at your duty station. You just have to deal with it, and try to make it your own. On the other hand, you might be able to move, either somewhere else on-post or off-post. Check out your options and go from there.

The duty station where you just can’t find your people

You assume that once you move to your new duty station, you will eventually find a fun friend group like the one you had before. But after a couple of months, it seems like you aren’t going to find your people. This is something we military spouses can struggle with.

If you find yourself in this position, make sure you are getting out there on a regular basis and trying to meet new people. Sign up for things you are interested in, take the kids to playgroups, and be friendly with those you meet when you are out and about.

When a Duty Station Feels Hard

Sometimes a duty station feels bad because of the place itself. Other times, it feels hard because of what is happening in your life while you are there.

  • You do not have to love every duty station. Some places are harder than others, and it is okay to admit that.
  • Your experience may be different from someone else’s. One family’s worst duty station might become another family’s favorite.
  • Small things can help. Finding friends, exploring the area, creating routines, and looking for free local events can make a hard place feel more manageable.
  • A bad start does not mean a bad ending. Sometimes the places we dread most surprise us later.

The duty station that seems too expensive

There are a few places you could get stationed that will cost more than other places. This can be frustrating. Housing off-post might seem like too much or you might feel like your family can’t go out and do anything because of the costs.

Make sure you are doing your budget every month, find ways to save, and look for fun free events going on in your community.

The duty station you didn’t think you would end up

Maybe you just assumed you would always stay in the south, but now here you are on an airplane headed to Hawaii. And you are terrified.

Anything out of your comfort zone can be scary, but think of your new duty station as an adventure. Read up on the fun you can have where you are going, or the experiences of people who have lived there. And trust yourself to make the most out of your stay.

“One family’s worst duty station might become another family’s favorite.”

The duty station no one has ever heard of

Sometimes your spouse will get orders to a place no one has ever heard of. These can be smaller duty stations or more specialty-based, and because of that, you can’t find much information on them. If you need to know about Fort Hood or Fort Campbell, there is a ton of information out there, but not so much on a duty station most people have never heard of.

See if you can connect with the FRG (if they have one) or other spouses in your service member’s new unit. If you do have to go in without knowing too much, see what your post or base has available to you to get to know the area. They might have a newcomers class you can join.

The duty station you have been before and didn’t want to return

Maybe you were stationed somewhere for a few years and hated it. Then you left. Now five years have gone by and guess what? Your spouse just received orders to go back. You are filled with dread.

But remember, the duty station you left in 2014 will be different from the one you PCS to today. Duty stations change, people move in and then move away, you could have a completely different experience in the same place. Do not assume that your first time there will be exactly like you second.

What makes or breaks a duty station for you?

Frequently Asked Questions About Bad Duty Stations

What makes a duty station a bad duty station?

A duty station can feel bad for many reasons, including being far from family, struggling to find friends, dealing with expensive housing, not finding a job, frequent deployments, or simply ending up somewhere you never wanted to live.

Can you still enjoy a duty station you did not want?

Yes, sometimes you can. You do not have to love every duty station, but finding small things to enjoy, meeting people, creating routines, and exploring the area can help make a hard place feel more manageable.

What should I do if I cannot make friends at my new duty station?

Give it time and keep trying in small ways. Attend events, join groups, take your kids to activities, volunteer, look for local spouse communities, and remember that finding close friends can take longer than a few weeks or months.

Is every military spouse experience at a duty station the same?

No. One military spouse may love a duty station while another struggles there. Timing, friendships, housing, jobs, deployments, family needs, and personality can all change how a duty station feels.

The 10 Worst Duty Stations

9 Things You Wish Were True About Military Life

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9 Things You Wish Were True About Military Life

Military life can be a crazy ride. From deployments to PCSing every few years, this life isn’t without its struggles. Some days we wish we had a magic wand to make everything a little easier.

So let’s have some fun…here are 9 things you wish were true about military life:

  • That every deployment came with a nanny

Let’s face it, us military spouses can get burned out really quickly when it comes to solo parenting. What if every military family received a nanny with deployment orders? That would make life so much easier!

  • That you could use a “Get out of deployment free” card

Wouldn’t it be nice if you could get out of a deployment because it wasn’t the right time, or your kids were too young, or because you just didn’t think you could handle another deployment with everything going on? The reality is, there is never a good time for a deployment but we plow through anyway.

  • That you could PCS somewhere simply because your BFF did

Wouldn’t that be amazing? Your BFF went to Fort Carson, which means you get to go there, too. How fun would that be?

  • That ALL military housing was nice, safe, and you wanted to live in it

Unfortunately, not all military housing is created equal. And sometimes housing can make people sick. Wouldn’t it be nice if all military housing were up to code, was nice and safe, and allowed everyone who lived there to have a good home they enjoyed living in?

  • That your spouse could get leave when they needed to, and planning family vacations would be easier

Have you ever had to change the dates of a trip because of the Army? We sure have. If only leave dates could be taken at the perfect time, and could never be changed.

  • That every FRG meeting would be filled with information you need to know with zero drama

Some FRGs are amazing but a lot of them get a bad rap, and maybe for good reason. Wouldn’t it be nice if the FRG was always a fun place to go, with lots of great information, and without any drama? Maybe us military spouses do have the power to change the FRG into a good and helpful place for military spouses to go 🙂

  • That you could always shop at the Commissary on payday without the crowds

What if you never had to wait more than a few minutes, even if you do go to the Commissary on payday? That would be nice!

  • That it would be easy to make friends no matter where you go

Making friends during military life can be a little bit frustrating sometimes. Yes, you have to get out there but sometimes that isn’t enough. What if making friends was easy, no matter who you are, and where your PCS to?

  • That all the challenges when it comes to military spouse employment would go away

There are so many spouses who have to put their careers on hold or pursue something different because they are married to someone in the military. What if these challenges could go away? What if things were a little bit easier regarding a military spouse and their own career?

This list can be a lot of fun and hopefully make you laugh a little, but the reality is that there are things you can do to change and make military life a little better for your family and others.

Be kind. Make friends. Work for changes. And don’t be afraid to figure out a way to make things a little better for everyone.

What about you? What would you want to change if you had the power to do so?