During a deployment, we milspouses have to do what we can to keep the household running. We struggle to keep things together and often have tear-filled nights as we make our way through the time our spouse has to be away. Then we have our kids.
We worry about them too because they are missing one of their parents. For those of us who grew up in non-military homes, the idea of being away from one parent for so long can be foreign.
How can you help your kids during a deployment? Here are 10 ideas.
1. Give them information
Based on the ages of your kids, explain to your children where your spouse is, what they will do, and anything else you feel comfortable sharing. If your spouse has sent you photos, share those with them. You don’t want to scare your children, but if they can have an idea of where their mom or dad is, that can help.
2. Remind them it is not their fault
Some children might assume that they could have done something to cause their parent to leave. Assure them that this is not the case. That their mom or dad has a job to do, and if they could be home with them, they would be. Assure them that they love them very much and will miss them when they are away.
3. Encourage them to talk
If your children are old enough, encourage them to talk to you about their feelings. Kids can hold things in, but talking about what is going on is important. Some schools, both on base and off, have deployment groups for kids who are going through one. See if your child can join those groups, and let them know you are always there with a listening ear.
4. Talk about your spouse
Talk about your spouse often. Share silly stories and bring up memories that you had together. Have photos around the house and in scrapbooks. For babies, you can put photos near their crib so they can get used to seeing the face of their mom or dad.
5. Have a plan for the difficult days
There are going to be difficult days for any kid. Whether they are acting out or just sad, they will need a pick-me-up. Make plans for those days. Go out for ice cream, see a movie, or take them to a particular park or playground. Find something fun to do that will help them get through the stressful day.
6. Schedule fun activities
Have a Taco Tuesday, and on Fridays, get a pizza and rent a movie. Schedule these fun, regular nights, so your children have things to look forward to each week. Find out what is going on both on and off base in your area. Fill up your calendar and get out and explore.
7. Have them help with care packages
When you are sending a care package, have them help you put everything together. They can color pictures or the box and help you pack everything in. They can also write letters to their mom or dad and let them know they can do so as often as they want to. If they are older, have them make the whole care package themselves. Something special they can send to mom or dad overseas.
8. Have a count up.
With kids, having a countdown can be a bit tricky if things change, but having a count-up can be a lot of fun. You can put pennies in a jar, candy, or whatever it is you want to do to look at how much time you have gone through. On the more challenging days, you can remind them of what you all have been through.
The truth is, different children handle deployments in various ways. Some will show their sadness through tears, others will act out, and some will have a very “this is the way it is” attitude about everything. Remember to talk with your child and base your response on their personality. Seek extra help if you need to, and know that you and your child will get through this time apart.
A month to celebrate and recognize military children and teens. Their lives might be different from those of other kids, but they are resilient and can benefit from military life too. Military life is filled with ups and downs, but these kids are right there beside us as we navigate this life ourselves.
Let’s celebrate these kids with some memes about military kids that will have you nodding along, “I totally get it, too.”
It’s hard to plan when you don’t know where you will be living in a few years.
Yep, sometimes with these kids, cereal is the best thing to serve for dinner.
This really is one of the hardest parts. You need to be there to comfort your child when they are missing their mom or dad so badly. At the same time, you are hurting too.
Yes! Love those Daddy Dolls!
Now wouldn’t that solve so many problems?
The new school year at a new school can be pretty scary. Be there for your child as they start and go through the process of making friends again.
A week isn’t too long for the military child that is used to having to wait a lot longer.
Yep! Each of my kids was born in a different place!
Seriously! When you have to go months and months without family time, you know how special it really is.
Yep! Such is the life of the military brat.
Yep, even grosser than a dirty diaper.
And when Mom or Dad gets home from the deployment, the kids will get their parent back and there will be nothing but smiles. Seeing them together after so much time apart is a wonderful feeling.
As you make your way through this military life, your kids will be there right alongside you. Be there for them and help them through any struggles they face. Keep them busy when your spouse is away and make memories together, even if someone is missing. They will enjoy talking about the fun they had with your deployed spouse. Remind them that they, too, serve and that they are blessed to be the children of those who have signed up to serve their country.
The pressure to be strong as a military spouse can show up in ways we don’t always talk about. As military spouses, we sometimes feel like we have to be the strong ones all the time. That we have to keep it together as much as possible, and that we can never break down and admit defeat.
Cultural expectations within the community
Within the military community, it can be very easy to assume others are doing well, acting strong, and that there is something wrong with you if you don’t feel the same. People have busy schedules and may have a smile on their face. However, we need to remember that there may be more going on beneath the surface.
Social media comparisons
We turn to social media, which, in some ways, can be a great place to find support, but we also see all the great things people are doing. We see everyone’s highlight reel. We see the good and not as much of the bad. It can be easy to assume that everyone else has it together when we don’t.
What strength actually looks like
The truth is, strength doesn’t just look like happy smiling faces and put-together schedules. Strength comes in many forms. From the mom who prays for her husband and children each and every night, to the mom of the service member who wonders when she will get to see her little boy again. From the women who work together to plan a 100-day party, to those behind the scenes, looking for ways to fit in a bit more.
Military life is hard, and as military spouses, we can find ourselves stressing out about pretty much anything. The pressure to be strong as a military spouse is there, making us feel like we have to be strong 100% of the time.
Remember, military spouse life is a journey. There will be ups and downs. Days you feel strong, and days you might need more encouragement.
Find what works for you, make plans, make friends, and remember… being strong can look different for each person. Try not to compare yourself; instead, focus on building a life that supports you through the ups and downs of military life.
March, 2006. My 18-month-old son and I got on an airplane at the St. Louis airport, after saying goodbye to my mom, not knowing when I would see her again. We were headed to Germany, and she had come out to help me with the last few steps before we could make our way across the ocean.
The previous November, my husband of three years had re-joined the military and headed over to Germany. We were due to join him shortly after, but the military being the military, it took us about 4.5 months to do so.
What is This New Life?
I remember being on post soon after arriving, watching a group of soldiers march by and thinking, “Wow, this is really our life now, isn’t it?” It was surreal at first. We had completely changed our lives. Army wife life meant my husband went from being home by 5 every workday to being deployed for 15 months. Solo parenting hit me hard. And we were now in a completely different country.
As the years went by, we experienced new and different things. Some good, like making friends during the more difficult times, to visiting other places and countries. Some bad, like a deployment extension, and having to navigate special needs parenting all by myself.
Life is Different Now in the Veteran Years
Today, my husband is a veteran. The military years are in our past, and sometimes I can hardly believe it. The military was so much a part of our lives for so many years. But time marched on. One year became two, became ten, became 20.
As I look back, it feels, in some ways, like a dream. For so long, a deployment was always in our future. For so long, the military had so much say. For so long, it seemed that it would never end. That it would always be this way.
Do I miss military life? Parts of it. I sure do.
Other parts? Not so much. But going through all that made me the person I am today.
The Military Community Can Help Each Other Out
So whether you just started your military spouse journey, or have been in this life for a while. Whether your spouse just retired or retired ages ago. One thing is true: we are all a part of the military spouse community.
Those of us who have come before can help support those going through it now. We can help each other out.
Military life isn’t easy. But it is a journey. One with ups and downs. If you are going through a difficult time right now, know you have the support of those who have gone before you. Those who can offer a hug and an encouraging note. You got this. You really do.
Here at Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life, you can find support no matter what branch your spouse is in. You can find posts about deployment, PCSing, or anything else military life throws at you. You can find encouraging stories in the new Military Spouse Spotlight section. And if you, military spouse, ever want to share your own story? Fill out my Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life Guest Post Form.
In January of 2012, we sat in the doctor’s office and heard what we had suspected about our then five-year-old son. After three or four months of testing, meeting with the doctor, and answering questions about him, our son was diagnosed with Asperger’s.
As we were waiting to hear what his diagnosis was, I did my own research and came to the same conclusion. It was the only thing that made any sense. My biggest fear going into that appointment was not that he would tell me what was wrong with my son, it was that he would tell me nothing was wrong because I knew in my heart something was.
Asperger’s. Autism. High-functioning autism. A different type of life. Special needs. ABA. Fits. Misunderstandings. Love.
On April 2nd, World Autism Awareness Day, I wanted to write to my son. He is 19 now, and we have come so far since that day in 2012, but I know that we have a long way to go.
I wrote this letter to him when he was 11, right before we started into the teen years.
To my little boy,
First of all, I have to tell you how much I love you. I still remember the day you were born, right in the middle of your Dad’s deployment. I remember they gave you to me and we had to wait for them to move us to the recovery room. And when it was time to do that, they wheeled us there on the bed, and I felt like a queen in a parade, holding my new bundle.
That day, that night, I had no idea what our journey of mother and son would take us. Would you be like your older brother? Would you be like me? Like your dad?
As you grew, I watched you closely. I was concerned about speech delays, which your brother struggled with. But you didn’t seem to have any issues there. You started talking, and I thought everything was going along the way things should.
Then we moved to Tennessee, and as you grew from a young toddler to a preschooler, my mommy heart started to worry. I began to notice how hard playing with other kids was. Sometimes you destroyed the castles they had built out of blocks. Sometimes you yelled at them. Sometimes you hit. And when we asked you why you told us it was because they were doing it wrong.
I wondered what I was doing wrong as a parent. I wondered what else I should be doing.
Then I told myself all kids could hit at that age. Preschoolers aren’t exactly known for their sharing abilities. I told myself that you were having a difficult time because you had never been to daycare before, that you were just not used to being around so many kids. We had playdates, but I didn’t leave you as often back then.
As you started at a regular preschool, I knew in my heart something wasn’t quite right. I knew you were struggling there. But why? Why were you always getting in trouble? What was going on?
That’s when we decided we needed to figure out what was going on. Your regular doctor didn’t think anything was going on at first, but I pushed. I had to. I needed answers. And then that day in January, we got them.
Asperger’s. That is what you had. That was what you would be dealing with. That is what would make you you.
We started with ABA, and they helped us so very much. You started kindergarten and with that all types of new challenges. You didn’t want to go to school; you didn’t see why you had to be there.
But we worked hard, so hard. The years went by, and as they did, I got to watch you grow. Before, when the bus came to pick you up, you would resist. Now, you run out there on your own.
This isn’t to say we don’t still have challenges, we do. But what once was an everyday struggle, changed to once a week and these days more like a once a month of that type of struggle. As I look back over the years, I know you are going to be okay because we have come so far already.
I know that school is hard for you, but I also know that you can do school. You can get through it, and you can make it work for you.
I know that making friends is hard for you too, but I also see that you want to reach out and that you will find your people too. I know you will.
I am so thankful you and your older brother are best friends. I hope that you can have that with your younger brother someday too. Your brothers will always be there for you, they have your back, and they want the best for you too.
I love seeing you excited and happy about something. Sometimes that is Disneyland, other times it is when you figure out how to get through a video game or when we stop and check out the cats at the pet store.
I know that you have your dad’s sense of humor. Sometimes this is hard to see, through the everyday struggles, but it is there.
I know sometimes life is harder for you than it should be for an 11-year-old.
On those days I wish I could grab you up and take you away from all the hard things life brings. But the truth is, you need to work through them. But as you do, you know you will always have me by your side. I will always be there to listen and to help you get through it, whatever the struggle might be.
I am not sure what life will be like for you as an adult. I am not sure what will be hard for you and what won’t be a challenge anymore. I do know that you will go on and do great things. I know this.
I am so proud of how far you have come. You work hard to make your way in this world, even when you don’t understand it. Even when it doesn’t make any sense to you.
Always remember that your Dad and I love you and will always be there for you. To walk with you through this life, and be there to help when we can.
I was holding him, my young son. Just 13 months old. Everything was about to change for him, for us. His Dad, who had been there since day one, was leaving to join the Army.
I was holding him as we waved goodbye. Holding him as we entered into this new life. And I promised him I would always be there, and we would get through everything together.
I didn’t know at the time that it would take closer to five months to join my husband than the one month we were told. I didn’t know at the time how this transition from a civilian family with normal working hours to a military one in the midst of a season of solo parenting would change me.
I didn’t know what was ahead for him. Or for me. Or for any future children we would have.
Over the years, our family has been through deployments, a couple of PCS moves, and what seems like an endless amount of other types of separations.
As April is the month of the military child, April is a good month to think back about your own military children and how their lives have been shaped by having at least one parent in the military. How some seasons have been easier for them than others. And how you have all grown together over the years.
We hear that military children are resilient, and they are, but that doesn’t mean the road has been easy. There have been tears, and sometimes we don’t know quite how to handle them.
There have also been adventures, so many adventures, from being able to travel the world at a young age, to experiencing other cultures, many that other Americans don’t get to do until they are deep into their adult years.
Military children learn how to make friends, playing with others at the playground, and being able to be the new kid time and time again. From having to say goodbye to a best friend they might not actually remember in the years to come, to being the one who stays behind.
Military children have to go months, sometimes over a year, without one parent in the house. This can be difficult for the children, maybe too young to understand, and for the older ones, who feel the missing parent on a day-to-day basis.
Military children might not feel like there is one place they can call home, or maybe they will, as one duty station draws them in more than any other. As they look back on their childhood, there will be so many homes and experiences to think about.
Whether your children were born into this life, or they joined along with you at a older age, they will be able to watch their parent put on the uniform and serve their country. They might not have chosen this life, but they can embrace it, through their own military life journey.
Each PCS might not get a little easier, each goodbye might just seem harder than the last, but just as we do as military spouses, military children figure out what works best, and find ways to get through each difficult situation.
They will take what they have learned into their adult years, into future careers, and relationships with friends and family. They will have so many memories to share, and friends in all areas of the world. A military life can be overall amazing, and we hope our children understand and can embrace that as we try to do.
What has been your biggest adventure with your own military kids?
I used to be the brand new spouse. The whole military thing was all new to me. I can remember standing on post as a group of soldiers walked by and telling myself, wow, this is really my life now. It was surreal at the time, but now it wouldn’t phase me.
But over the years, I have grown, learned, and moved from a brand new military spouse to a more seasoned one.
And wow, I have learned a lot!
Do you feel like you are a seasoned spouse too? Here is how you know you have been a military spouse for a really long time…:)
#1 You know what all those three-letter words mean. MWR, DoD, TDY, and MOS to name a few. And then, just when you think you have them all memorized, you discover a new one. Those military acronyms always keep you on your toes.
#2 You hear someone hasn’t spoken to their spouse in 24 hours and you think back to your first deployment when you would go weeks without a word.
#3 You don’t start really looking into a new duty station until orders are in hand. Just because they say you are moving somewhere doesn’t mean it will happen.
#4 You no longer write in pen. You have been burned in the past and wonder what took you so long to invest in some really nice pencils.
#5 You know those deployment dates are really just suggestions. Both the coming and the going. They can and do change at any time.
#6 Your family knows the drill. No, you don’t know when you can visit again. No, you can’t tell them when they are coming home from the deployment. No, you don’t know when you will be moving back to the States.
#7 You know that being due with a baby doesn’t mean your spouse will be able to come home early from a deployment. That is a hard pill to swallow, but it’s the truth. Military spouses do give birth without their spouse by their side.
#8 You avoid the Commissary on payday at all costs. It’s not worth waiting in line for 3 hours. I am only kind of kidding about that.
#9 You have a PCS system down. You know how to make your to-do list and your moving day schedule and put it all together in a PCS binder. Or maybe you don’t because you don’t use one because you have done this 100 times.
#10 You have friends all over the world. Yes, quite literally, across the globe.
#11 You know pre-deployment will be stressful, and you know post-deployment will be too. But when you are headed to pick up your spouse after a deployment, you still get butterflies.
#12 You know who Murphy is, and you hate him. You never invite him in, but he always shows up. You are never surprised.
Military life is filled with ups and downs, good times and bad. We have to laugh about it sometimes and power through others. Taking the journey, one day at a time.
You never thought this day would come, you held on to the hope that something would change. That they really wouldn’t have to go, or that you would get some extra time together.
But it is now the night before they deploy, the last night to say goodbye, and you are trying to keep it all together.
The sooner they leave, the sooner the deployment will be over. And then life can get back to normal. At least on the surface.
You have been through this before, but this time seems different. Deployments always seem so different, no matter how many you go through.
You are worried about your kids, you are worried about yourself. You want to rock this deployment, but right now you are just wondering how you will make it through each day. You want to thrive vs just survive during this deployment, but that seems like a big task.
Your anxiety is up, your anxiety always goes up when they deploy. You think about all the things you can do to help, you hope that something does.
On this night before they deploy, you think about all you have been through together. You remember your dating years, your wedding, your first year together. You think about your future, what may be, what you hope will be.
You are fully aware of the dangers of serving in a war zone, but you hope and you pray that your spouse will come back to you. You hope and pray your friends can have that happen too. You hope and pray for a deployment where everyone returns…not sure how possible that even is.
You hope you can find your groove this deployment like you did last time. You figured out how to do this before, you should be able to do it again. Your friend circle has changed, but you hope that you can make plenty of good memories with your new friends, just like you did last time.
As you watch your spouse, this night before they deploy, you think about how many times you have had to watch them go.
When they left for basic training, a few years into your marriage.
When they deployed the first time when your son was only a year old.
When they left for JRTC, to prepare for this deployment.
You remind yourself you have been through this before, even though you will never get used to saying goodbye. You remind yourself that you are strong and can support your spouse in this way. You remind yourself that you are creative and always figure it out.
But you are worried too. Worried that this deployment will be too long. Worried that this deployment will be too hard. Worried that this deployment might break you…hours before they even have to go.
You want to enjoy this last night together. You don’t want the time together to be filled with tears. There will be time for tears later.
On this night before they deploy, you try to focus on what you can accomplish when they are gone. You make a list of deployment goals. You make notes of what you hope to get done.
As you lay your head on your pillow that night, you hold back the tears as they hold you one last time before they go. You know the morning will come soon, too soon. You know this time together is limited.
You drift off to sleep, and before you know it is the morning of the deployment. They are already up, getting ready. You don’t want to get up, if you do, all of this becomes reals. But you do it anyway.
And soon it is time to leave, to get into the car, to drive them to where they have to go.
And then you are saying goodbye. You are letting go. One last hug, one last kiss. And one more just because.
They say goodbye to the kids, they say goodbye to you, and they walk away, to start another deployment, another time apart.
As a military spouse, you know deployments are part of the deal. You know that saying goodbye is a part of the deal. You know that this won’t be the last time you will have to say goodbye.
But you also know that you are strong enough for this. You are strong enough for another deployment. The time apart won’t always be easy, and the days might be more difficult than normal, but you are committed to getting through, even if just one day at a time.
Are you getting ready to go through a deployment? Make sure to check out my other deployment posts to help you through.
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