Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Deployment

25 Quick Tips for Solo Parenting Through a Deployment

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25 Quick Tips for Solo Parenting Through a Deployment

Solo parenting was one of the first things I experienced as a new military spouse. And as challenging as I found it, I learned quickly that I would be doing a lot of solo parenting in the years to come. Sometimes it would be for long periods of time as in the case of deployments, and other times for just a weekend of a few weeks of training as a National Guard spouse.

There is no one perfect way to get through times of solo parenting. Sometimes you just take that season of your life one day at a time. Here are 25 quick tips for solo parenting through a deployment to help you on your military spouse journey:

  1. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Really. Try to let it go as much as possible.
  2. Keep any important documents you might need in a safe and handy spot. If you need a birth certificate, you will know exactly where to go to get it.
  3. Track all appointments, activities, and events. Write it all down. You are the only adult and you can’t possibly remember everything.
  4. Make daily, weekly, and monthly to-do lists. This also goes with writing everything down.
  5. Plan your meals in advance. Get pizza once a week. Have sandwich nights.
  6. Create an arts and crafts center in your home. Have the kids make stuff to send to the deployed parent. Plus, it’s a good way to keep them busy on boring days.
  7. Go to the library. Check out some books. Figure out what programs they have. Libraries are great places and offer a lot of things to do.
  8. Plan multiple playdates a week. Your kids will love it, and so will you. Still meeting people? Go to the park and try to find new friends, for both you and your kids.
  9. Celebrate all the things. Birthdays, holidays, 50 days in, etc. Celebrate it all! In any way you want.
  10. Have virtual parties including your service member.
  11. Send fun care packages. Allow the kids to help you.
  12. Keep up with all medical appointments, including your own. You don’t want to get behind.
  13. Have a list of phone numbers you can call in an emergency situation. Can anyone watch your kids if you have to go to the ER? Who do you call if you need a plumber? Having all these numbers together will give you a bit of peace of mind even if you never have to use them.
  14. Encourage your children to talk about how they are feeling during the deployment. This time apart from one parent can be hard on them too, however, each child handles deployments differently.
  15. Create movie nights or pizza nights. Invite friends and neighbors. Create those fun memories with you and your kids.
  16. Figure out ways to have one-on-one time with each child if you have more than one. Maybe that is taking one for ice cream while the other is in school, or letting an older child stay up for special time with you.
  17. Continue your bedtime routines, but tweak them a little to make them work a bit better while your spouse is away. This could mean moving them up by 30 minutes or adding special prayers for the deployment parent.
  18. Remember, self-care is important, even if you have to be creative to find ways to get it. Take some time for yourself in any way you can. Maybe it is having a nice bubble bath, maybe it is just sitting out on your balcony for 15 minutes after bedtime, but find ways to relax. You will need it during seasons of solo parenting.
  19. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. I know this is hard to do. But sometimes we do need that help from someone else.
  20. Find hobbies you can focus on. Hobbies that make you smile and bring you joy.
  21. Create a chore chart for your kids, even preschoolers can do something to help. You can all work together to run the household.
  22. Create a deployment budget. Especially if your service member will be making extra money during the deployment. You want to make sure you are making your money work for you and not just spending without thinking, which can be easy to do. Save, pay down debt, and allow yourself some grace when it comes to what you spend.
  23. Make a list of people you can call just to chat with when you are feeling down. Find people, either family or friends, that will listen to you vent, and encourage you as a solo parent.
  24. Find local support groups or other types of groups to keep meeting people. You can even find online support groups.
  25. Go for a walk. Walk around your neighborhood, the mall, or a local park. Whatever works. Try to get out and walk on a regular basis. Not only is walking good exercise, it is also good for the soul.

9 Things That Will Make Your Life Easier During a Deployment

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Things That Will Make Your Life Easier During a Deployment

When my kids were little, I had no access to grocery pickup or delivery. I think it may have existed at a specialty grocery store but not something I could use regularly, especially when we were stationed in Germany during a deployment. That meant that if I needed groceries when my husband was deployed, I had to take my kids with me.

As they got a little older I could go when at least one of them was in school or even trade off babysitting with a friend. But there will still be times when I did have to take them to the grocery store with me and that was never easy.

These days we have access to so much more. Grocery delivery and pickup are available almost anywhere, even the Commissary. If I wanted to, I could Door Dash a Frappuccino and something from Walgreens. What a time to be alive!

The truth is, things like grocery delivery can make life a lot easier for us during a deployment. Sometimes we might just need a reminder to help us out. Here are 9 tips that will make your life easier during a deployment.

Use grocery delivery

Using grocery delivery or pickup will save you some time. You won’t have to take your kids with you to the grocery store, and ordering online can save you money at the grocery store. You also won’t end up with an extra bag of Oreos in your cart.

Accept help

I know, accepting help is a hard thing to do. But some people in our lives do want to help. If someone offers to help, accept it. You will be glad you did. Even if it is something small.

Simplify dinner

Maybe simplifying dinner means making the same 5 meals every week. Maybe you want to sign up for a meal service, (wait for good deals), or maybe you will just plan for cereal for dinner once a week. Do whatever you can, based on your love or hate of being in the kitchen, to simply your meals.

Battle buddies

Find friends you can vent to, hang with, and go through the deployment with. Make memories and help each other out. Going through a deployment with other people by your side,(even virtually), makes everything a lot easier.

Get into reading

There is nothing better than a book series that will draw you in and that you won’t want to put down. Reading can be an escape and a great way to wind down after a stressful day. Whether you are a big reader or never felt like you had the time, pick up a book this deployment, and get lost in another world.

Hire someone if you can

This will depend on each person and your own family’s situation, but if you can, hire someone to help. You can hire someone to help with cleaning, mowing the lawn, babysitting, or any other task you don’t want to do yourself. If your budget allows, doing so can make your life a little easier.

Let go of the stupid stuff

There is a lot of stupid stuff in our lives, and we need to let go of it, especially during a deployment. Simplify your routine, and stay away from the drama. Get rid of some of the stress that you really don’t have to deal with. Don’t say yes to everything. Know your limits. That will make life much easier for yourself during a deployment.

Find a focus

What will your focus be during this deployment? Will you be focused on your job? Will you go back to school? Or maybe you want to learn some new skills? Create a deployment bucket list of things you want to focus on. Take the time that your spouse is away to get things done.

Remember self-care

Taking care of yourself is an important part of getting through a deployment. Yes, even if you have small children. Figure out what you can do to take time for self-care. It is a must!

What types of things make your life easier during a deployment?

To the Burned Out Solo Parent

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To the Burned Out Solo Parent

It’s almost bedtime, almost. You start your bedtime routine at 6:30 on the dot and if all goes well, the kids will be asleep by 7:30, or 8:30, usually by 9, but sometimes even as late as 10:00. It just depends.

If your spouse is deployed at the moment, it really doesn’t matter how long bedtime takes, it will still be 100% on you to get those kids to bed. There will be no trading off nights, no asking for help, no relief if you had a burned out day and need to just chill by yourself for a bit.

Solo parenting doesn’t allow that.

Solo parenting means you play both mom and dad, even if you are tired.

Solo parenting means you make all the daily decisions for the kids, and that can get exhausting.

Solo parenting means you can’t wait for the little bit of me time you get after the kids go to bed, but know you will probably just want to go to sleep yourself.

The first time I ever became a solo parent my son was 13 months old. It was quite a shock to the system. And one I never fully got used to. Everything was on me. And at times, I felt like I couldn’t get it done.

So to the burned out solo parent, I get it. This is hard. Really hard.

You have too much to do, you just do

That’s the reality of the situation. You have to prioritize and let some things go. You can’t do it all, and if you try, solo parenting will be that much more difficult for you. You are doing everything you have to do and stepping in for the other parent as well.

Keep this in mind when you feel like you can’t get it all done, you weren’t supposed to get it all done. Some things can wait for the next day, the next week, or even when they get back home.

You have to stay busy

Staying home all day, every day, with children and no spouse coming home at night is going to make this whole deployment thing a bit more complicated.

Find places to go, even if you just walk down to the park. Find people to hang out with, even if it is just for an hour. Find new hobbies, and get your kids involved in them too.

You have to give yourself a break

What you are doing is not easy, and a lot of people might never understand what solo parenting is really like. They might say things that annoy you or piss you off. They just don’t totally understand.

But don’t let them get you down. Figure out what works for you and your kids and do it, even if what you choose to do is different than the norm.

Find that me time

I know, it’s hard to find time for yourself but see what you can do. Things that have helped me along the way were hourly care on post, MOPS, PWOC, trading babysitting with friends, having family come and help, spending time on myself after the kids go to bed, and being able to say no sometimes. Taking care of ourselves is so important too, we can’t forget that in the midst of our solo parenting days.

So to the burned out solo parent, think of one thing you could do right now to help ease some of the stress. Write it down, make a plan to get it done, or ask a friend to help you. There are things you can do to make this part of military life a little bit easier.

How do you make things a little easier for yourself when you are in a season of solo parenting?

When You Make it Halfway Through a Deployment

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Halfway Through a Deployment

They have been gone for so many days now, so many days. But as you look at the calendar, you realize something exciting, you have hit the halfway point.

This fills you will joy because it tells you that you are making it through this deployment. It tells you that the days will actually pass and you will get through to the end.

When the deployment first started, you weren’t sure how you would make it to the first week, let alone the first month but now, here you are, halfway through a deployment.

You think about all the days you have crossed off your calendar, and all the special memories you were able to make, even though you felt that deployment ache through them all. You still tried to have fun, even if they weren’t around to share that fun with you.

You have taken so many pictures, enough to fill a book. You have sent a handful of care packages, knowing that each one made their day, sending them love across the miles. You start to have ideas of what to send for the next few months.

You think about your kids, and how they have handled things. The first half of this deployment hasn’t been without tears. But, you know you can be there for them on the lonely nights or when they really just want that hug from mommy or daddy and you can’t give it to them.

You take out your calendar, and you know you need to fill the dates up just like you did for the first half of the deployment. You know keeping busy is the way to go, even though doing so doesn’t always take away the loneliness that comes with a deployment.

In the back of your mind, you know that they could stay for longer than you think they are supposed to. You have been there before and a deployment extension is always something you think about. But you also want to have that faith that the deployment will end at the time you think it might, and have hope that this truly is the halfway point of the deployment.

You think about what the halfway point of a deployment really means. The halfway point of a deployment means you will soon have fewer days left that you have already been through. The halfway point of a deployment means you can do hard things. The halfway point of a deployment means you have climbed up the mountain and just need to make your way back down.

Deployment days don’t always move quickly, but they do move and reaching the halfway point of the deployment is evidence of that. Reaching that milestone is a reason to celebrate, and to think about all the things you were able to do, that you didn’t think you could.

If you have friends going through the deployment with you, you could make plans to celebrate. Dance and sing, and know that you are doing this, you are getting through this deployment, even if it is just one day at a time.

Treat yourself and order a yummy dinner, buy a new book, or start a new project. Do something to mark this milestone, and remember this accomplishment when you hit harder days ahead.

Deployments are rarely easy. Each one comes with its own challenges, based on so many different factors. But they all have a halfway point to celebrate and remind you how tough you really are.

Have you done anything special to celebrate the halfway mark of a deployment?

When Your Spouse’s Deployment Gets Extended

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When Your Spouse's Deployment Gets Extended

They tell you not to trust the date you are first given for your spouse’s return from a deployment. That is good advice. Deployment dates change all of the time. Maybe by just a few weeks, maybe just a few days, and sometimes by a few months.

Being aware that nothing is set in stone is a good idea. You don’t want to get disappointed. You don’t want to disappoint your kids. And as much as you want to have a firm date, you know you can’t ever really get one.

However, when your spouse’s deployment gets extended, it can be one of the most stressful things you have to go through. We went through this in 2007, and now, more families are going through it due to the new restrictions about troop movements due to what is going on in the world.

A deployment extension means, having to wait longer than you ever thought you would for your spouse to return home from deployment.

A deployment extension means you will probably always assume a deployment will get extended in the future, just to protect yourself.

A deployment extension means that there will be more missed birthdays and more missed holidays.

A deployment extension can truly mess with your emotions. You know dates could have changed, but that still won’t prepare you for actually going through it. You know you are strong enough to get through even a few more weeks of a deployment, but you also feel yourself starting to break at the thought of even more time apart.

When a military family has to go through an extension, it creates a lot of fear. Will the deployment be extended even longer? Will we ever get a homecoming date?

When a military family has to go through an extension, it can be hard to relate to other family and friends who don’t have to go through it. It can be hard to relate when people are talking about spending too much time together when all you really want is your loved one back in your arms.

When a military family has to go through a deployment extension, the stress levels can be very high, and everyone can be very emotional. There will be tears, and anger and frustrations, even when it comes to little things in life.

My heart goes out to any military family going through this right now. You thought the deployment was almost over, but now it needs to go on a little longer. You thought you had gotten through the worst of it, but now you still have too many days ahead of you. You might be feeling like you are alone in how you feel, but I assure you, you are not.

When I found out my husband was going to get extended, I felt defeated. I felt like I didn’t have the energy to make it through any more deployment days. I was so sad, and so frustrated that this was happening.

For us, a deployment extension meant that my husband would be gone over a year. I am not sure how many military families are facing that right now. But being deployed over a year brings up even more struggles and frustration. There is just something about hitting that year mark that is just so sad and frustrating.

But whether you thought you would have a four-month deployment and now looking at six months, or a nine-month deployment and now dealing with them being deployed almost a year, you are allowed to grieve a delayed homecoming.

Your feelings are real and it’s okay to be frustrated that you are not going to see your spouse when you thought you would. Yes, you know how important it is to keep people safe and travel restrictions are apart of that. But that doesn’t mean you are not going to grieve what was or what your expectations were before this happened.

I can tell you to stay busy, that’s really all you can do but these days staying busy is harder then it used to be. Maybe staying busy will be working on a household project or taking a long drive with the kids every day.

I can tell you to reach out to friends, which is important. But during this time you can’t all get together like you used to. You can’t meet up for coffee or a playdate, and that adds another level of frustration. Thank goodness we still have our phones and social media.

I can tell you to take this one day at a time, but I know how hard that. I know that the long days don’t want to move and that it seems like the deployment will never be over. I know how hard it is to wait even longer than you thought you would have to.

This time in history is a hard time for everyone. We are all missing something, but for those military families going through a deployment extension, they are missing a part of their family, and that truly can be heartbreaking.

If you are not going through this right now, have compassion for those who are. This is something that could happen to any of us with a spouse in the military and has happened to many of us in the past. Let’s come together as a community to get through this, and help one another through the days ahead.

“Challenges are what make life interesting and overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.” – Joshua J. Marine

7 Creative Ways to Speed Up a Military Deployment

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7 Creative Ways to Speed Up a Military Deployment

There comes a time during everyone’s deployment when time stands still. You could be coming off a few good weeks, and then boom, time stops. It feels like they have been gone forever, and yet you still have so much more time to go. What is a military spouse to do? Here are 7 creative ways to speed up a military deployment, help move things forward, and enjoy life even when your spouse is away.

Volunteer for something fun!

Volunteering can be good for the soul, and being able to help out an organization, or people in your community is a good thing. Find something you would love to help out with. Look for opportunities in your local civilian and military communities. VolunteerMatch is a great website for finding places in your community that need volunteers.

Plan a trip with a friend

Do you have someone you would want to travel with? Do it! Plan a trip with a friend. I did this during our 2nd deployment and it was so much fun. We both had young kids and were able to help each other out while making memories together with one another and our kids. A trip always breaks up a deployment. You don’t even have to go too far. Pick somewhere in your state and get to planning.

Plan a party

Did the deployment hit the 50-day mark? The 100-day mark? Plan a party! Plan a Bunco night! Find something you love to do and invite people to join you. Don’t want to have a party in your house? Check on your local community center to see if you can rent the space or invite people out to your favorite restaurant. Parties are fun and fun makes the time pass a bit quicker!

Find a new job

Maybe you have been at the same job for a while, maybe it is time to move on. Switch things up and put some applications out there. There are organizations like Hire Heroes USA and Military OneSource that can help you on your employment journey.

Write about your experiences

Why not write about your experiences as a military spouse and what it is like going through a deployment? You can start a social media account to share your thoughts, start a blog, or even write a book. We all have a story to tell, and by sharing ours, we can help other military spouses along the way.

Refresh your house

Deployments are the perfect time to refresh your house. Plan a house project. This can be anything from repairing a room or buying some new art to put on the walls or remodeling a bigger space. Don’t forget to use your Lowe’s and Home Depot military discounts when buying supplies for your home projects.

Read a really long book you can’t put down

Find a good, long book, and dive in. Or better yet, find a good, long book series. You will get hooked and not want to put the book down. Reading can be such a great way to get through a deployment.

While there is no real way to fast forward through the months of deployment, there are things you can do to speed up a military deployment. Stay busy, find new friends, and get creative. Not only will doing so help during the deployment but it is good for your soul and will allow you to live a more balanced life.

There is No Minimum Amount of Time to Miss Your Spouse

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There is No Minimum Amount of Time to Miss Your Spouse

The longest deployment my husband went through was 15 months. The shortest was 5.5 months. And then we had a few in-between.

The 15-month deployment was long, and we lost a lot of men. That part of the deployment was so hard to deal with, and I am thankful that wasn’t quite the case in any of the deployments that followed that one.

I was so thankful to hear when the Army went down to 9 months for most deployments. I know that some do deploy for longer, but to hear that the 12 months (or longer) wasn’t the standard anymore was a relief.

I do know some spouses prefer a longer deployment vs a bunch of shorter ones. They can get into deployment mode and ride it out verses always going back and forth between their spouse at home and then being gone again. Spouses of special forces service members might have their spouse coming and going all year long, that is just the way their job works.

Within the military as a whole, there are many different deployment patterns, where some branches have longer deployments than others. Some service members also deploy more than others. There isn’t just one standard amount of time a military member will deploy.

If my husband does have to deploy, I would prefer he go for a shorter amount of time. Longer deployments can affect you in ways shorter deployments might not. And deploying over a year brings up other challenges.

But…

That doesn’t mean that shorter deployments are easy, or that there is a minimum amount of time your spouse has to be gone before you are allowed to miss them.

That doesn’t mean that there is a minimum amount of time your spouse has to be gone before you are allowed to be sad about them being away from you.

That doesn’t mean that there is a minimum amount of time for your spouse to be deployed before you are allowed to ask for help or to find support.

The truth is, deployments affect us all in different ways. One military spouse might be having a difficult time with the idea that her spouse is in a war zone, while another might be struggling with solo parenting or the loneliness that comes with being the only person in the home.

The truth is, a three-month deployment for one person could be just as difficult as a six-month deployment to someone else. How a military spouse views and even handles a deployment depends on so many factors.

There is no minimum amount of time to miss your spouse. You just do.

Whether they are gone for a two-week training over AT while in the National Guard, or an extended 15-month deployment while active duty.

Whether they are gone for a three-month school in the Air Force, or a six-month deployment to Africa with the Army.

Whether you are apart for a year while you PCS back to the US early, or you are apart for six weeks waiting to PCS to Germany to join your spouse, literally just waiting on paperwork.

We need to remember this when talking with other spouses. We need to remember what it was like when our spouse first left for basic, or when they left for their first deployment. We have all been through it and we can help each other out.

If you are currently going through a year-long deployment and hear a spouse complain about a three-month deployment, of course, you are going to want to say something. You might wonder why they think it is so hard when you have so much longer to go then they do. But the truth is, a deployment is a deployment and while a three-month deployment may look easy to someone going through a year-long deployment, the deployment is anything but easy.

So even though it can be hard to do sometimes, trust me, I have been there, we should try to put ourselves in other military spouse’s shoes. None of this is easy, and we all might need a little help every now and then. Try to remember what it was like the very first time you had to say goodbye to your spouse and send them overseas.

Compassion goes a long way in our military community. Being aware that others might be struggling is important. Do what you can to help other spouses instead of playing the “who has it worse” game. Our community will be stronger for it.

If you are currently going through a deployment and struggling a bit, you have come to the right place. Check out my blog posts on deployments, or any other part of military life. You can also join my Facebook group or connect with me on social media. You are not alone and you got this!

Saying That Goodbye, As they Head Off to War

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It’s time to say goodbye.

I don’t want to. I really don’t want to.

I want him to stay here forever. Stay with me forever. But that’s not how military life works.

It’s time to say goodbye and I need to be strong. For him. For my kids.

We drive up to the gate. That horrible gate. The one he will walk through after we say our goodbyes.

My tears start to flow, but still, I try to hold them back. He hugs me as he gets out of the car. This is it. This is really happening.

I have been here before. I have done this before. This isn’t new.

And yet, it feels new. It feels just like it did the first time he had to go so many years ago.

He grabs his bag, I grab my boys. We don’t want to draw this out.

He puts his bag where it needs to go and comes back to us. We can stay. We can wait until it is time for him to go. But we decide not to.

We say goodbye then. Knowing the extra hour or two might just drag this out. We say goodbye and then we let go.

I give him that last hug and that last kiss and that last goodbye. He hugs and kisses the boys. And kisses me one last time.

And I tell him what I always tell him, “come back to me,” and he says what he always says, “I will, I always will.”

And so I grab the boys and we get in the car. We have said goodbye. We have kissed and hugged that one last time.

And I leave him there, this man I love so much. The one I married and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Unsure about what the next few months would bring.

As I get the boys in the car, I tell them that we got this and we are going to have an adventure when their dad is gone.

That we will make this time apart fun for them and that the days might be hard at times, we will get through it. I am not sure if they totally understand what I am saying. They are so young but I tell them it will all be okay because I feel like they need to hear it. I feel like I need to say it.

And so we head back home, me trying to keep it together. It’s day 1. The first day of deployment.

It’s day one and the countdown can begin. It’s day one and I know the day will be hard.

And as time moves on, as it always does, I look back on that day and how hard it was to say goodbye.

Saying goodbye to the man I love, as he heads off to war. Saying goodbye as he heads off to a dangerous place. Saying goodbye as we start this next deployment.

And even through the goodbyes are so hard, time passes and we get through the deployment. Homecoming comes, and we see him again. A little stronger than we were before.

We know there could be more deployments in the future, we know that we will have to say goodbye again. But as military spouses, we know we can get through what military life brings us, one day at a time.