Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Deployment

The Deployment Ache

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The Deployment Ache

There is something that happens when you are away from your spouse for a period of time. Something that just isn’t there when they are home. It’s an ache. I am not sure how else to describe it. It isn’t just feeling sad. It isn’t just missing someone.

The Deployment Ache

It’s an ache. The deployment ache.

If you have ever been in a long-distance relationship, you know what I am talking about. The ache is the feeling when something isn’t quite right. You could be having a very good day, enjoying everything in front of you, and still feel that deployment ache. The ache doesn’t just go away because you are happy.

The ache is something you can’t control. The ache is there because you are not with the person you love the most. It’s there because something is missing and nothing can take the place of being with that person.

You can ignore that feeling for a while but it is still always there. Reminding you that your life is not quite complete in the way that it should be. That something important is missing.

I hated the deployment ache.

The ache was the hardest part of the deployment and sometimes you could see the ache on my face. Friends told me they could see such a huge change after my husband got home. Even if I was smiling when he was gone, it just wasn’t as big as when he was home.

When he was home, the ache was gone. That feeling wasn’t there anymore. It was the difference between being deployed and not being deployed.

The deployment ache is when you put the kids to bed and all you can think to do is cry yourself to sleep because you are not sure you can handle one more day.

The deployment ache is when you hear that your husband will be deployed a little bit longer than you had thought and there is nothing you can do about it.

The deployment ache is when you realize they will miss your birthday, Christmas, and Valentine’s Day for the third year in a row.

When your spouse is gone, you tell yourself that once they get home everything is going to be okay again. Then they return, you have a honeymoon period, and then life sets in. They go back to work, the kids need you, life gets busy and semi-normal again.

You have a bad day and you can be surprised about how you feel. During the deployment, you told yourself you would never have a bad day again as long as your spouse was back home with you.

The reality? Life is hard for everyone sometimes, military or not. Life gets complicated and you will have your good and bad days. However, when your spouse is home you are not going to have the deployment ache. And that is something to look forward to.

Because when they are home, the ache is gone and you can focus on everything else going on in your lives instead. You can talk to your spouse often, you can work on issues the two of you are dealing with, you can parent together and you can be a couple, in the ways you hoped you would be when you got married.

The ache is gone and you can move forward with your lives until the next time they would have to go away.

Have you felt the deployment ache before? How do you deal with it?

Want a free Guide for the First 30 Days of a Deployment???

One Long Deployment

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One Long Deployment

They walk away, they have to. The time has come for them to leave.

To deploy. To head overseas. To do what they have trained to do.

We stay behind, we know we have to. We have to stay strong, even if that is hard. We have to be the ones at home, holding everything together.

You second guess in moments like these. Should he have really joined the military? Should I have really married into this?

As you stand at the start of one long deployment, you wonder how you even got there…

Time goes by, and the days pass. Cross one off, then another. One week at a time.

You hold it together. You have to. For the kids. For yourself. For them.

You talk every other day, sometimes every day, sometimes you have to go longer.

You remind yourself that things are much better now. You remind yourself having a spouse off at war used to mean just letters, now you have so much more. But even that reminder doesn’t make them seem closer.

As you start off that one long deployment, you find yourself in a weird place, and wonder if anyone else can understand.

Can they understand the deployment ache? The feeling that something is missing, even if you are having a good day? Do they understand how that feels?

Can they understand the sadness that can come, knowing this is your life, knowing there will be more deployments?

Can they understand how yes, you did choose this, but no, you really had no idea what military life would be like? That you really didn’t know how your emotions would play out?

As you get through that one long deployment, you wonder if there is anyone else you can connect with, anyone else who is going through the same thing?

You go to the FRG, you go to the local playgroups, you join a book club. At first you are not so sure. Can these other spouses relate? And then you find that yes, some of them can.

You make plans, you are going to help each other through. You find your people. Others who get deployments. Others who can truly understand.

You find yourself in a place of almost contentment. Yes, your spouse is gone. Yes, they are deployed, but you are finding your way.

This one long deployment is halfway over, and you feel as though you have gone through so many different phases since they left. You were heartbroken, you were sad, and now you have found a place of peace, but can you stay that way?

As time moves on, you feel the up and down of the deployment. The good days, the bad days. The hard days, the easier ones.

You have worries. Will they get extended like they did last time? Will they happen to come home early? Will they be changed when they do come home?

Staying busy is key, you know this, but some days, you don’t want to do anything. You want to take a day off. Take a day off of a deployment? That’s not even possible.

As you round each corner, you think about how much this one long deployment has taught you. How much you have learned. How you have grown.

You are more independent now. You have figured out how to be, because it was the only way.

You have more strength than you did before. What seemed impossible is now possible. And you hope some of that is rubbing off on your kids.

You look towards the finish line and wonder what homecoming will really be like. Is homecoming like the videos you have seen on the news? Is it as happy as they want you to think it is? What if there is more below the surface?

And then you find yourself at the end of this one long deployment. You have less than a month, then less than a week and time stands still. The calendar doesn’t want to move.

And you feel ready, so ready for this deployment chapter to be over in your life. You are so ready for normal again. To be a full family.

You know that you have both changed. You knew that going in. And you hope and pray the first few days, weeks, and months together can be a time of healing.

You get together with your friends. You make homecoming signs. You share your after deployment plans.

And then the day comes, the one you have been waiting for, this one long deployment is finally over. You have your homecoming outfit, that’s ready, but are you? You are full of emotions and as nervous as you were before your first date.

You get the kids ready, and head in your car. You can’t eat, you can’t do much of anything but focus on the task ahead. You park the car and head to the gym to wait.

And you wait…as if you haven’t done enough waiting but this time the waiting is different. This time you are waiting just a short amount of time, maybe a few hours. You made it through months apart, you can handle a few hours.

You are thankful your friends are surrounding you, even if some of their spouses already made it home. Being in the last group is difficult, but you did it and now you are here.

As you sit and wait, you think about this one long deployment and everything you have been through. You think about your highs and lows. You think about the good and the bad.

And then it is time. It is time. It is time. It is time.

Everyone stands up, with smiles on their faces. The doors open and it is time!

You look for them, in the sea of green. You find them, so serious, still in soldier mode.

They see you, you know they do but they can’t react, not yet. And you wait and then you don’t have to anymore. And then they are in your arms again. And you did it…

You survived this one long deployment. You made it to the finish line. You found a way through and got to the other side.

When Their Job Comes First

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The Military Has to Come First

We hear so often not to put your job before family. We hear so often that you should find a family-friendly workplace. We hear so often that these things are important, and they are, they really are.

But…

For the military spouse, married to a service member, their job has to come first. Sometimes at the worst time. Sometimes at the time you really need them.

The truth of the military is that the Army, or the Navy, or the Marine Corps, or whatever the branch has to come first.

The truth is, the military shakes up your life when you don’t want anything to do with the military at that moment.

When Their Job Comes First

The truth is, your spouse might have to go, go overseas, fight in a war, and they will have to go.

No matter how much they love you.

No matter how much they want to stay.

No matter how many other times they have had to be away.

When you married your service member, you knew they would be gone, you knew they wouldn’t always be with you. But the reality that the military does come first isn’t always easy to take.

Sometimes a deployment will come, right after a child get diagnosed with autism.

Sometimes a deployment will come, right after a miscarriage or other loss.

Sometimes a deployment will come right when a spouse is trying to heal from something that they feel they need their spouse there for.

Sometimes the timing just isn’t right, but there isn’t a lot you can do about that. The job has to come first.

There are times when things can be changed. There are compassionate reassignments. Commands can hold people back for a few months from a deployment. They can send them home early in some circumstances. But none of that is promised. None of that is 100%.

And trying to come to terms with everything isn’t easy. Trying to be “okay” with the military coming first isn’t easy. Figuring out ways to get through these difficult times isn’t easy.

Here are a few things you can do to help when you know the job has to come first.

Find a good support system

Basically, find your people. Both online and IRL. Find people who support you, and love you. They will be the ones to help you through.

Remember why they joined

When you are feeling really down about everything military related, remember why they joined the military in the first place. Remember why they enlisted. Thinking about all of that can put things in perspective.

Make a detailed plan

You might be going through something you need your spouse there for, but the military has to come first. So, what will you do about it? Who will you go to instead? You will need to come up with a plan.

Figure out what will make things easier for you. That could be hiring a babysitter once a week, starting a new workout plan, or creating a list of services you can call when the need arises.

Since we are all different people, our lists might not look the same, but making a good list of how you will get through this time is important.

Remember, even though the job or the mission has to come first, there are also periods of time when the family does. Maybe this is block leave after a deployment, or having your soldier stay home a few extra weeks to be there for the birth of your baby.

There are times when they will be home early and have days off. Remembering these moments isn’t always easy, especially when you are not currently living them but, they will come again, I promise.

What is the best way to handle the disappointment of when the job has to come first? What do you do to help you through?

Feeling Lonely When Your Spouse Goes Off To War

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My son was just about 22 months old when my husband first went off to war.

I was pregnant with our 2nd child and had no clue what to expect. Deployments were a whole new world for me. Luckily I had a group of other wives whose husbands were in the same Company as mine. This made saying goodbye a little easier.

I remember after the men got on the buses. Sitting with a few other wives. Waiting to see them drive by so we could wave one more time.

As we sat there, we really didn’t know what we were really dealing with. We didn’t know then how hard the time apart would be, how long the deployment would last, and what the next 15 months would look like.

Feeling Lonely When Your Spouse Goes Off To War

We had no idea how lonely we would feel. 

I went home to my house with my little boy and we started the deployment. At first, the deployment felt manageable. My mom was going to come and stay with us for two months when the baby was supposed to come. I knew I would be busy with a newborn and a two-year-old.

My son was born, my husband came home for R&R, then he left again. My mom went home. My son got sick. He got better. Spring came.

As the months went on, the deployment got harder and harder.

The feeling of loneliness took over me. I remember sitting in my bathroom, after my son went to sleep, wondering how I was going to get through that time without my husband.

He is the one person I could talk to about anything. Even the silly things. The everyday things. The things spouses talk about with only one another.

By this point in the deployment, I wasn’t even able to talk to him that much. I think the longest we went was 30 days. 30 days without anything from my husband.

I felt like I was in a weird place. I knew I was married, but I didn’t feel like I was. I knew I had a husband out there that loved me, but it seemed like it was something from another time. Your mind can really play tricks on you.

Having a community to depend on is the #1 thing you can do when you reach this point of the deployment.

When you feel so lonely and you would give anything to have a real conversation with another adult. When you crave your spouse’s touch, but you know you have to wait for a while for that. Having a community of other spouses to talk about this with is what got me through those months.

When they told us that our husbands would be extended during the surge in Iraq in 2007, that they would not come home after a year, we all met at McDonald’s to let the kids play. We cried together and tried to figure out how we were going to get through this deployment extension. We knew we could not handle this alone. We knew we needed each other.

So while I still struggled with that loneliness, especially at night, when the house was quiet, I was glad to have a circle of friends around me who got what I was going through. That I could vent with, cry with, and get through the deployment with.

They made all of the difference and going into future deployments I learned that having that circle was a must.

Loneliness during a deployment can hit us hard.

We might assume we can avoid feeling lonely, especially if we have so many other things to focus on. But sometimes loneliness can hit when we least expect it. 

Sometimes loneliness hits during a trip to a grocery store, or when grabbing a cup of coffee. Sometimes it hits when watching a movie, or talking about something unrelated to military life. Sometimes that loneliness hits and we can’t get rid of it on our own.

When that loneliness hits, find ways to stay busy and get up and get moving. Write in a journal, take a long walk with your kids, or call a good friend. Find things you know you can do when the emotion hits you hard. Doing so is your best defense against loneliness. 

How do you handle loneliness during your spouse’s deployment???

5 Things I Have Learned During My Time As A Solo Parent

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16 years ago, my husband went to a recruiter for the Army reserves. We walked out of the place and said, “Nope, that isn’t going to be an option for us.” One reason was that he would have to drive a few hours to get to his monthly drills. Another reason was that I would have to be a solo parent and I couldn’t imagine it.

Yep, I couldn’t see how I could parent by myself. Doing so didn’t seem possible. I laugh about that now.

Back then I had one little boy who wasn’t even a year old yet. I really didn’t think I could handle solo parenting. It sounded awful. Just being the only parent around for days, weeks, months at a time? How could we even be thinking about that?

Well, as it turned out, we decided that active duty Army was the way to go. He signed his papers and left for Germany. Instant solo parenting!

Over the years I have in fact gone days, weeks, months, and one time over a year as the only parent in the house. Over the years I have learned a lot about myself, my parenting, and about how to be with kids when you are the only one in charge.

5 Things I Have Learned During My Time As A Solo Parent

1) Somethings ARE easier by yourself.

Take middle-of-the-night feedings. My husband was gone when boy #2 was a newborn and when #3 was about two months old. That meant he just wasn’t there during the months that my babies woke up to eat in the middle of the night.

As hard as it was to do that alone, not worrying about waking him up was nice. I didn’t have to be extra quiet as I climbed out of bed. I could turn the light on if need be. It really did make the middle of the night times a little bit easier.

2) Sometimes you can only do what you can do.

When it is just you, when you are tired and lonely and worn down, you look at what is important. You don’t dwell so much on the little silly things. You focus on what needs to get done and do it. That can be freeing in some ways.

3) No butting heads about the little things.

Since you are the solo parent, you don’t tend to ask your spouse about all the little parenting choices you have to make. All the choices are all up to you. You never want to do something your spouse would hate but you also won’t butt heads over something small.

4) More time for yourself. More time to think.

After you put the kids to bed, you can have your me time. This will give you more time to think. To think about what went right, to think about what went wrong and what you can do better the next day.

Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with my husband after the kids go to bed when he is home, but when he isn’t, I take the time to reflect a little more than I do when he is around.

5) I can do more than I think I can.

Going back to 2005, I didn’t think I could handle being a solo parent. When people tell me they couldn’t do military life, I remember that. I remember that I didn’t think I could either. Is it hard? Yep. Do you just want your spouse home when they are away? Yep. Can you make things work if you have to? Yes you can.

Whether your spouse is in the Military or has another job that keeps them away sometimes, solo parenting can be draining. Find some good support systems to help you through. Realize that you will have to let things go and enjoy the time that you do have together. You can get through it, I know that you can.

Why Military Spouses Don’t Ask For Help

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Why We Struggle To Ask For Help

“Just let us know if you need anything.”

As a Military spouse, I have heard this phrase from many different people. It is a great thing to hear. When you hear people say that, you now know you have someone to call if you need to. Knowing people want to help is a good feeling.

But here is the thing…

Why Military Spouses Don't Ask For Help

Most Military spouses don’t ask for help, even if we could use it.

We want to be able to take care of the home, the kids, the money, the yard, and everything that comes up all by ourselves. We will never let that person know if we do need something if we feel we can kinda handle the task ourselves. There is just something hard about asking for something specific.

It is hard to say, “Hey, I need someone to mow my lawn because I just can’t seem to do it right,” or “Would you mind watching my kids while I take myself out to dinner? I really need a break,” or “I need someone to fix my fence. It is broken and I can’t afford to pay someone to do it.”

The list can go on and on. We feel like by asking for specific things we are asking too much. Or maybe it is because we don’t really believe the person telling us to ask. We might just assume they are just saying that and don’t really expect us to call.

I will admit. I hate asking for help. I try to do it myself first. I will always try to do it myself first.

When my husband was deployed the last time I had to mow the lawn all summer long. This was hard and every time I did it I would burst into tears when I was done. For some reason, mowing the lawn was emotionally hard for me. At the end of the mowing season, I hired a company to come out and do my lawn because I couldn’t imagine asking anyone to help with that.

My friends and neighbors had their own lawn to mow, right? And the last time I had asked someone was when I was going out of town for the summer and they didn’t end up doing it. So I would never ask. I would do it myself or I would hire someone to do it for me.

There have been a few times when I HAD to ask for help. There was no other option. In those times I was thankful that I had people to ask. Asking for help is a hard thing to do. To admit you do need help and to actually ask for it.

We want to be brave. We want to be strong. We do not want to be seen as weak.

But what I have learned during my years as a military spouse is that some people want to help, they really really do. They don’t know how to help you unless you tell them. I have seen people willing to cut our grass or help with the lawn. To bring us fans when our air went out. To offer a shoulder to cry on when I just didn’t think I could make it another day.

We are brave and we are strong but we are not superhuman and sometimes we do need extra help. We are doing the work of two people. It would be impossible to get everything right all of the time.

I tell myself over and over, it’s okay to ask for help. Especially when I am trying to balance everything in life with a husband who isn’t at home to help. But I hope that in the future I can be more willing to ask, because that can take things off of my plate and make for a little bit of an easier time.

Do you struggle with asking for help? Why do you think Military spouses struggle with this???

I Could Never Do It

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“I could never do it.”

“I couldn’t be a military spouse…”

“There is no way I could handle my husband being away from me”

If you have been a military spouse for any length of time you have probably heard people say that to you before. It just seems to be the thing to say. I am sure it is not because people want to insult us or make us feel bad.

I am sure saying this is just an honest response to hearing about our military lifestyle but the phrase still bothers us. This phrase makes it sound as if we are more okay with our spouses being away than other people would be. That we are more okay with going months and months without our spouse by our side. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Before my husband joined the Army, I couldn’t do it either.

I said I could never handle him being away or having to parent my son alone. I just couldn’t imagine a world where that would be our reality. Then a few months passed and we decided he was going to re-join the Army.

I had to start as a solo parent right away. Even though I didn’t think I had the strength to do so.

I said that I couldn’t do it when there were rumors that our deployment would be extended to 15 months. I didn’t think I could get through that. But I did.

When I thought about giving birth without my husband by my side, I didn’t think I could do that either but I did.

When I got married, I did not see deployments in the future as I walked down the aisle.

Everyone who had married someone already in the military could not have imagined how hard military life would really be. The military is not something you can plan out ahead of time. Military life is a journey with all kinds of twists and turns. Sometimes you will come up against a struggle you don’t think you can get through. But you do.

At the end of the day, we love our spouses. We know what their job is and we stand by them. Even if it hurts, which it does. Even if we sometimes think we can’t be strong anymore.

We push through the hardships because we know that the man or woman we see in uniform waiting to hug and kiss us after the deployment is worth all the waiting. We know that if our spouse thinks that they should be serving in the military, that we will stand beside them.

Know that sometimes we military spouses can’t do it either. That we are not always so strong and that we sometimes need a little more support.

So when you see a military spouse, try not to tell her that you could never do it. Because I bet if there was a time in your life when you and your spouse had to be apart, you would be able to somehow do it too.

Know that military spouses are not strong because we are a special type of person, but that this life has made us that way.

Know that we want our spouse home every night just like you do. That we hate that they have to miss so much. That some days are harder than others and that we know that someday we won’t have to be apart anymore.

Instead of saying you could never do what a military spouse does, tell your military spouse friends that they are capable of making it through. Tell them that if they need to break down sometimes, that is okay and that you are there to listen whenever they need to talk. Be their friend, give them hugs, and know that life brings each of us challenges and that this one is one of theirs.

What You Should Know About Getting Through the Pre-Deployment Period

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Before They Leave For a Deployment 

I had only been a military spouse for about 10 months when my husband left on his first deployment. 4.5 of those months were spent in the US while he waited for me and my son in Germany. I wasn’t surprised about him deploying, he was in the Army, deployments were apart of the deal.

I just didn’t totally know what to expect. It was one thing to be apart from your husband when he was on a military post in Germany, waiting to join him, quite another when he would be in a war zone in Iraq.

We did have a few months to prepare for the deployment. I arrived in Germany at the end of March and already we knew a deployment was going to happen. At that time we didn’t know the exact dates but that yes, a deployment was coming. By the summer we had a much better idea of when they would be leaving and us wives started to band together knowing we would need one another to get through the long months ahead.

I remember the day clearly. My friend had come to visit from Austria and we were sitting around talking with my husband. The phone rang, which usually meant my parents were calling but not this time. This call was from someone in the Unit. They were letting me know that orders had been cut and that my husband would be officially deploying in exactly a month.

I got off the phone and took a deep breath. The deployment was really happening.

What You Should Know About Getting Through the Pre-Deployment Period

Even if you know that your spouse is going to deploy, accepting the reality of them leaving can be difficult.

There is so much to think about. Will they be safe? What will they be doing? What will I do when they are gone? What about the children?

The time leading up to your deployment might be very stressful and that is normal. There is a lot that needs to happen and a lot that you want to happen. For some, this means one more trip home, a special family photo, or one more trip to the zoo, your family’s favorite place to go together.

As a spouse, you are aware that every minute you have together is precious and that once they leave, you will no longer get to have them.

What can do you during those weeks and days before the deployment?

Here are some ideas:

Be Helpful

Your spouse is going to need your help. They might need you to not make so many plans on the weekends leading up to their deployment date. They might need you to scale back on certain things or they might need help getting all their gear together.

Make sure to ask and let your spouse know that you are there for what they might need. In return, make sure you are open and honest about what you need from them. Maybe you need more daily kisses, maybe you need to have more movie nights. Talk things out so that you both know what each other need in the time before the deployment begins.

Be Patient

Patience is going to help you during the pre-deployment period. A lot of military couples fight during this time because of the stress level. Try not to worry too much when you see them packing their bags. Enjoy the time you still have together and try not to rush those days away. Be patient about work schedules before the deployment.

Sometimes they do have to work late, even just a few days before they have to go. Other times they will get off early and even have days off. Just know that you may or may not have a lot of time together before the deployment and that can be up to the Command, not your spouse.

Be Understanding

Getting ready to leave your family to go do something you trained for isn’t easy. Even though your spouse has a job to do, they are going to miss you and everything about the life you had created together. The pre-deployment period can be hard for them and they might not know how to act.

The closer they are to you before they leave, the harder it can be for them to go. Service members and even military spouses pull away a bit before a deployment because of that. They don’t want to make the goodbye more painful than it already is.

Be understanding of this and try not to take certain things personally. Sometimes the behavior is just the deployment talking.

Make Memories

Spend the weeks before the deployment making a lot of memories. Plan a trip, go on a lot of day trips, take a lot of photos and spend a lot of family time together.

If you have small kids and you know finding a babysitter once he is gone will be difficult, plan some time out with your friends when your husband is still home to watch them. You will be glad you did when you are months into solo parenting after the deployment has started.

Prepare the Children

If you have kids and they are old enough to understand what your spouse will be doing, have some talks about what will be happening beforehand. With smaller children, you don’t have to tell them what is going to happen but make sure you are there for them when they do start to ask for the other parent.

You can get Daddy Dolls and put up photos of your spouse in their bedroom. You can make a book of photos that are safe for babies and older children might appreciate something similar as well.

Some of the hardest parts of a deployment can be when your children miss their mom or dad. That can break your heart but luckily there are a lot of resources out there to help you. Sesame Street has a great program for deployed children and there are many children’s books about deployment that you can buy to have on hand.

Keep in mind too that different children might react differently based on their ages and their personalities. As the deployment begins you will start to see what might bother them and what they might be okay with.

Have a few date nights

If you are able to, plan a few date nights before they have to leave. Go out and spend time together as a couple. Enjoy one another.

Talk about your expectations during the time you are going to be apart. Talk about what you will do if you hit a hard period during the deployment.

Have fun on your dates too. See a movie, take a walk, go bowling. Do fun things you know you might miss when they are away.

Find Your People

You are going to need to find your people to help you through a deployment. Your people can be the neighbors on your streets, the moms in your playgroup, or even a good Facebook group of others that understand.

For me, finding that FRG was a must for our first deployment. They were a great group of women and being that we were all stationed in Germany together we created a second family of people to connect with and spend the deployment with.

This isn’t always the case and wasn’t in later deployments. Sometimes I had a close best friend, and other times I just had to stay busy as much as I could, depending on emotional help from family and friends who lived far away. Each deployment is going to look a little different but you will want to find a few people you can depend on while your spouse is away.

Any military spouse who has gone through a deployment can tell you, the pre-deployment period is not going to be easy. There is a lot to be stressed and anxious about during this time. Do your best to get through those days and weeks and know that once the deployment starts, the countdown can begin.

Blog Posts On Deployment

Someones hearing someone else’s story is super helpful in getting through the pre-deployment or deployment period. Here are a few blog posts from both Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life and other military spouses to help you through:

So You Just Found Out You’re Pregnant, And Your Spouse is Deploying

For the MilSpouse Right in the Middle of a Deployment

Just Keep Swimming Military Spouse, Just Keep Swimming

The Emotional Cycle of Deployment: Pre-Deployment

15 Must-Do Things to Prepare for Deployment

5 Tough Conversations To Have BEFORE Deployment

Parent’s Guide to the Military Child During Deployment and Reunion

Pre-Deployment Checklist for Military Spouses

50+ Questions to Ask Your Spouse Before a Deployment

How do you prepare for a deployment?

So You Just Found Out You’re Pregnant, And Your Spouse is Deploying

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So You Just Found Out You’re Pregnant, And Your Spouse is Deploying

You were trying, or maybe you weren’t. But the test is clear. You are pregnant, maybe with your first, maybe with your 4th but you know what this means.

Another baby…

A sibling for your two-year-old…

You are growing your family, just like you wanted to.

And as happy as you are, as excited as you are, there is something looming over your happiness.

Your husband, the father of your child, is deploying soon.

And you aren’t sure how you are going to handle everything. You just found out you are pregnant and he’s deploying…

So You Just Found Out You’re Pregnant, And Your Spouse is Deploying

When I found out I was pregnant with baby #2, there was a deployment in our future. We didn’t know exactly when. We didn’t know how long he would be gone. But we knew the deployment would happen.

And then it did. He left when I was 25 weeks pregnant, and I knew I had to figure out how to find my strength to get through this. I knew this deployment and pregnancy wasn’t going to be easy.

I had an almost two-year-old I would still need to take care of. I was already so tired but now I would be solo parenting. I also needed to figure out who would be with me during the birth. We didn’t know if my husband would be able to be there for that.

After he left and the deployment started, I went into survival mode and somehow got through the rest of my pregnancy. I made plans with friends, I asked my mom to come to stay with me over my due date, and I took each day as it came, making the best of the time with just my two-year-old.

If you have just found out you are pregnant and know there is a deployment in your future, here are a few things to think about:

Make Friends

Making friends through all of this is going to be such an important thing to do. You don’t have to go through this alone and having people who get what you are going through or can be there for you through everything is a must. When you are pregnant, you can also start getting out there and meeting other moms through places like MOPS or other groups on and off post.

Make Plans

With being pregnant and having a deployed spouse, you are going to need to make some plans. Who will you have there during your birth? What do you need to buy for your new baby? What will you do when you go into labor?

Make Time For Yourself

You need to make sure you are making time for yourself. You need to take care of yourself and your baby. While staying busy is a must, you also want to make sure you aren’t taking on too much. Look at your schedule and see where you can take some time to just chill and relax, even if it is just for a few minutes a day.

Make Decisions For You

Being pregnant with a deployed spouse, you are going to have people give you all sorts of opinions about what you should do. From a family member insisting that you move home during the deployment to a neighbor expecting you to stay because she did. Try to figure out what would be best for you and your own situation and make decisions for you and your family.

So many of us have been through a pregnancy with a deployed service member or a spouse who has to be away for another type of training. When this happens it can bring up so many different feelings. You might wonder why your spouse has to miss such a precious time in your life.

Figuring out the tools to get you through this time is so important. You can figure out what works for you and your situation. And doing that can get you through the pregnancy, the birth, and any other time your spouse will have to miss.

Have you been pregnant during a deployment? What got you through?

The Waiting Military Spouse

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The Waiting Military Spouse

The Waiting Military Spouse

Military spouses have to wait. This is so much a part of the military lifestyle. So much a part of our lives as military spouses.

We wait for the enlistment to go through, not really knowing how much our life could change. Not really knowing what this will mean for us, for our marriage, for our family.

We wait for the first duty station. Will we stay close to home? Will we go overseas? Will we get homesick?

We wait for the movers to come. Is everything ready? Will anything break? Are we really doing this?

We are the waiting military spouses, always waiting on something. Always trying to make the best of it. Always looking for the silver lining.

We wait to feel like this new place as home, and wonder if it might never be. We wait to find new friends, missing those back at home or a previous duty station. We wait to figure out how to find our way in this new community.

We wait on deployment orders, knowing they will come soon. We wonder how we will make it through those months apart, and how we should handle the months before they have to go. We wonder what the deployment will really be like and if we have the strength to get through.

We wait as our spouse leaves for overseas, praying they make it home again. Praying that everyone stays safe. Praying that we can get through this time apart, even if one day at a time.

We wait as the homecoming date seems to change. We wait as we have to help our children through the deployment. We wait as the days seem long, and the weeks feel even longer.

We wait during those last few weeks of deployment. We wait to get the call they are actually coming home. And we wait with a toddler on our hip as we watch the plane land or the ship come in.

We wait as things will take time to get back to normal, and we wonder if they might never actually do so. We wait as we have to work to bring our spouse back into the family dynamic, and wonder if it is as hard for us as it is for other military families.

We wait on PCS orders, taking us to a new location. We are never really sure what that new home will be like. We hope for the best, and try to take it all in stride.

We wait to work on our own careers, knowing we can’t do exactly what we want from an overseas location. We wait to start our own path because sometimes solo parenting is a little too difficult. We sometimes have to wait on our own dreams or be creative in how to pursue them through the ups and downs of military life.

As military spouses, waiting is all a part of the game. We know this, and yet sometimes, that waiting seems too hard. We have to find ways to be patient, even if that patience doesn’t come naturally. Even if that patience is difficult to find.

We wait. For our spouse. For their career. For everything military life brings us. We wait. That’s what we do. We are the waiting military spouses.