Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Deployment

The Military is Going to Disappoint You

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The Military is Going to Disappoint You

Making plans as a military spouse feels like gambling. Will we be able to go on that trip? Will we really move to that state next year? What will the next few years look like?

I learned pretty quickly that the military is going to disappoint you. Paperwork takes longer than it should, dates get changed, and you can be left feeling like your thoughts and desires don’t even matter.

Getting used to this isn’t easy and even 16 years in, I still feel that disappointment. I feel it when drill dates get changed last minute. I feel it when we have to cancel trips due to being called up. I feel it when I start to wonder if my husband will be deployed and if so for how long?

There are just so many unknown changes in military life.

I think we try to cling to things that seem so certain, even if they could actually change, even if we know they might do so. We want so badly to have a normal life, plan all the things, and have them actually happen. We want to feel like we have some type of control.

When we hear our spouse might be getting orders to a new duty station in California, we want to plan all the things. We want to figure out where to live and what schools our kids will go to. We want to start a bucket list and plan what we will do for fun. We want to start to apply for jobs and get that moving.

But then, the military changes its mind and we end up in another state or another country and have to start the process all over again. We get frustrated because even if we can come to terms with the moves, coming to terms with the changes associated with them can be more difficult.

The truth is, the military is going to disappoint you and often. And the best thing to do is figure out how to roll with these changes. Because they are going to keep coming.

The military is going to disappoint you because living a military life is a bit of a sacrifice. Your service member signed up to give these years to the government. And doing so means that the mission comes first. Even if it is frustrating or inconvenient for the family.

We joke about always writing our plans in pencil but maybe that is what we have to do to stay sane. We joke about Murphy but maybe we have to plan for that to happen, and a plan for what we should do if it does. We joke about “hurry up and wait” but maybe that is what we always have to have in our heads when it comes to anything military.

As military spouses, we have to work hard to establish ourselves even within the military world. Depending on where you are stationed and what your own dreams might be, this isn’t always easy. We might need to pivot and plan for a last-minute deployment, or other change we didn’t see coming.

As military spouses, we have to figure out ways to handle the disappointment that comes with all of this. Some of us might need to cry it out, that’s okay. There is nothing wrong with feeling sad over a disappointment. But then, we have to figure out how to move through the change, and what we can do to get back on track.

Having some good military spouse friends, either in person, online, or both can be a good way to handle some of what military life brings. Your military spouse friends have been there. And can be there to encourage you. To see the light in the tunnel, and to help you come up with a plan.

Having good systems in place so you are not left all alone and so that you do have a backup plan is important. Who will you call if something breaks in your house? Who will you go to if your childcare falls through? What will you do when you are having a bad day and just need to find a listening ear?

Having a good plan for those what-ifs of military life can go a long way in helping you through periods of time when the military disappoints you. You can plan for everything, and when you do, those plans can change but you can be prepared for what you might need in the future.

You can also try to use caution when it comes to certain things. Don’t plan out a PCS before the orders come. Don’t assume your spouse will be around for something in the future, they might not be. And yes, always use that pencil in your planner. That way you can pivot, change, and get through the disappointments that come with military life.

13 Super Smart Marriage Tips For Military Couples During a Deployment!

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13 Super Smart Marriage Tips For Military Couples During a Deployment!

With a deployment in the future, you could be a little worried about your marriage. You have heard the stories, you just don’t know what being away from one another for an extended period of time will be like.

How will your marriage get through this? Will you come out stronger on the other side?

Here are 13 super smart marriage tips for military couples during a deployment:

1. Communication is important

Although you won’t always be able to talk to one another because of the mission, communication is important to do when you can. This might mean writing emails or sending text messages. Do whatever you can to stay connected over the miles. If you do have to go a longer time without talking, writing actual letters can be a way to “talk” to your spouse when you can, and then you can send them when you know they will be able to get them.

2. Don’t one-up one another about who has it harder

You could go back and forth about who has it harder during a deployment. The truth is, you can’t compare. You are each going through a difficult situation and need that grace from your spouse to understand. Don’t one-up each other, it’s not worth the fight.

3. Remember, the military has to come first

The military comes first. This is the way that the military is. You have to accept that and move through the difficulties that come with military life.

You have to find ways to cope and handle being apart. Your service member can’t come home early from a deployment because you want them to, you just have to stick things out. And while this can be so difficult sometimes, remember that this is just the way the military is can sometimes help.

4. Don’t hang up on each other, and if you do…

Don’t hang up the phone on one another, even if you are angry. If you do in the heat the moment (which happens) send a quick email or call back if you can. Hanging up that way isn’t good when talking on the phone is the biggest part of your relationship.

5. Don’t feel like you have to talk for hours every day

You and your spouse don’t have to talk for hours every day to be connected. When you do, you run out of things to say. Sometimes a simple 15-minute phone call is all you need to say “hi, I love you” and check-in with one another. You can also keep an ongoing list of things to talk about since the last time you chatted.

6. Don’t stay in your house all of the time

Don’t stay in your house all the time. Make plans. Stay busy.

Your service member will want to know you are still living your life, even if they are away. And getting out there will make time go by a little faster. While being at home can be comforting, try to get out at least once or twice a week.

7. Talk about money before they leave

Make sure to talk about money expectations before they leave. How much will they have to spend overseas? How much will you have to spend on the kids? What will you be saving for and what will you do with the extra money that you receive?

Money can be a big stressor. When you are living apart and running two different households, being on the same page with money is even more important.

8. Remember why you love each other

At the end of the day, remember why you first fell in love in the first place. Remember your first date, the first time you said I love you, and the first time you knew you would get married. Remembering who you guys are together is important.

9. Watch a show together

Watch a TV show together and then talk about what happened in the episode over the phone or even in an email. This will allow you to connect over a shared experience.

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10. Read a book together

Like watching a TV show, you can read a book together and discuss what is being said. A marriage book can be a good idea too such as The 5 Love Languages Military Edition. Doing this can help improve your relationship.

11. Talk about your day

When you are able to talk on the phone, share your day with them. Let them know what the kids have been up to. Email photos of you and the kids. Your service member should want to hear about what you all are up to back home.

12. Write love letters

Write paper love letters to one another and send them in the mail. Getting letters from home is the best for our service members and also an enjoyable thing to get in the mail for those of us back home. You can pour out your heart and let your spouse know how much you care about them.

13. Look at the deployment as a temporary thing

Remember, deployments are temporary, and while they can be difficult for a military marriage, they don’t have to define your marriage. They can make your marriage stronger. You just have to get through them, even when they feel like they are neverending.

What marriage advice would you add to this list?

Join my email list and receive a free Guide for your first 30 days of deployment! 

12 Things to Do This Valentine’s Day if Your Service Member is Far Away

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Is it really time for Valentine’s Day again? Time is moving that’s for sure. Before we know it summer will be here and we will be getting ready for another fall season.

Valentine’s Day is always an interesting holiday. The day is all about love, spending time together, and remembering why you love one another.

For military spouses, this might be a little bit more complicated. Your service member might be deployed or otherwise not living in your home at the moment. You might want to skip the day altogether but your kids wouldn’t be too happy about that. You may be left asking yourself if you should even celebrate and if you should, what can you do?

Here are 12 things to do this Valentine’s Day if your service member is far away:

1) Buy yourself some chocolate

Go, do it. Buy yourself some chocolate. You can pick out your favorite kind. And no, you don’t have to share it with anyone.

2) Celebrate with friends

Plan something fun with your friends. Have dinner, go see a movie, or even set up a fun Zoom party. Celebrate the love that comes with friendships.

3) Buy yourself flowers

Buy a new plant. Buy your own flowers. Buy something special that brings you joy.

4) Order a yummy meal

Put the kids to bed early. Order something yummy for yourself, put on your favorite movie, and enjoy the night for what it is. A night to treat yourself.

5) Make a playlist for your spouse just for the holiday

Think back to when couples would make themselves mixed tapes. It’s just the modern version. Put your favorites or songs that remind you of your relationship. It can be a trip down memory lane.

6) Have a video chat Valentine’s Day date

If you can make this work, plan a video date with your sweetheart. You might not be in the same room but that way you can spend Valentine’s Day together.

7) Give your kids Valentine’s Day

If your spouse can’t be around, focus on giving Valentine’s to your kids. They will love them and you can have a fun time celebrating Valentine’s Day with them.

8) Have a Valentine’s Day baking day

Plan a Valentine’s Day baking day. You can do this solo, with your kids, or with friends. Make heart-shaped cookies, bake a pink and white cake, or create a new Valentine’s Day treat.

9) Nothing

This is also an option. Don’t do anything. You don’t have to. And if that is what is more comfortable for you, why not? You don’t have to celebrate any holiday you really don’t want to celebrate.

10) Phone a friend or family member

Why not take the day to catch up with someone you haven’t talked to for a while. I am talking about the good old-fashioned phone call. This can be a good friend, your mom, your grandma, or anyone else you feel like calling.

11) Read a good romance

Curl up with some hot chocolate and dive into a romance novel. Escape into another world. And if romance is not your thing, how about a fantasy? Or any other type of book you can get lost in.

12) Watch a good rom-com

Find a fun rom-com to get lost in. It can be something from the 90s that you love or something new that just came out on Netflix. There are so many options. Don’t forget the popcorn!

How will you spend this Valentine’s Day???

The Truth About Seeing Your Spouse Again After A Deployment

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The Truth About Seeing Your Spouse Again After A Deployment

In the summer of 2009, I waited in an airport terminal in a fancy dress and heels. I never wear heels but this was a special day. My husband was flying in from Iraq for a two-week R&R during his year-long deployment. My boys and I were in California visiting my family, and that is where he was going to spend his R&R.

I was waiting at the airport, staring at the escalator that brought down the arriving passengers. Had it been ten years earlier, had 9/11 never happened I could have watched him get off the plane. But this was as far as I could go in our post-9/11 world.

Men and women came down with their backpacks and small bags of luggage, but I waited. And then, at the top of the stairs, I saw the first part of the uniform, and I knew it was him. We hadn’t seen each other for about nine months. As soon as I saw his face, I ran to him, heels and all.

I could hear all the other people in the airport when they realized what was happening, that a soldier was meeting up with his wife after time apart.

I heard cheers and claps as I ran right into his arms. This was bliss. This was what amazing meant. This was how things were supposed to be, both of us, in one another’s arms, husband, and wife together again.

I took off my heels as soon as we got into the car and started to relax. My parents had our boys, and we would see them again in the morning. This day, it was for me. Just for my husband and me. We got a local hotel and spent that first night together after so many months apart.

The strangest thing after a deployment is the feeling that you don’t know one another like you used to, like you did before they left.

This is a scary feeling. You guys have been living apart for quite a while. You both have changed. You are both not the same as you were the day that they left. This is normal.

That first day of R&R we decided to spend some time at a local outdoor mall. We walked around the stores and things felt weird. It was similar to how one would feel on a first date. Here was this man, this guy, he loved me and I loved him but things didn’t feel 100% familiar, not like they normally do.

I knew this feeling would fade. That time would pass and he would feel like home again. That’s what happened. I know we are lucky. That feeling doesn’t always come back for everyone.

That R&R we spent a lot of family time together and we were able to spend a few days on an anniversary trip to Catalina Island. We had gone there for our honeymoon and were now able to be back on our anniversary. Somehow that worked out despite crazy military schedules.

Two weeks went by and he had to go back as they do after R&R. I dropped him back off at the airport. This time we would be apart a little over two months.

That didn’t seem as bad. We could do it. Luckily that deployment didn’t get extended, but it was always a worry.

He came home that November and we started the process of moving back to the US from Germany. Another deployment was done, completed. So many years have passed since that summer and I can still remember so much about how I felt when he came home, how nice R&R was, and how hard saying goodbye at the end of R&R was.

The truth is, deployments can hit you hard. They can mess with you. They can cause you to think things about your relationship that simply are not true.

The time after deployment isn’t always bliss, in fact, for most people, there is always something to work through. Being away from your spouse isn’t easy and can take a lot of time to get back to any type of normal. Some couples have to work through so much. Some couples can’t get past it.

The truth is, a deployment is a difficult situation you and your spouse will have to go through. And for a lot of military spouses, you will have to go through them more than once.

You have to work hard, you have to work on your marriage, and you both have to be understanding of what you both have been through while you were apart.

If you are towards the end of your deployment, know that homecoming is probably going to be a good day. You will get your spouse back. You will no longer be married to your phone or your computer. Your real-life husband or wife will live with you again.

But also know that the after deployment road won’t always be easy. Homecomings look so amazing, and they can be, but once you get home, that is when the real work begins.

Be open, be honest, and seek help if you need to. This after deployment readjustment period can be filled with ups and downs. You have to get to know each other again, you have to work with what happened over there, things are not going to back to normal right away.

And your after deployment struggles could be different from other military couples. What you and your spouse struggle with can be different from what other couples struggle with. Don’t compare, and try to figure out what help you and your own spouse might need.

What are your best tips for reintegration after a deployment? What would you tell a spouse who is worried about what will happen after their service member comes home? 

Missing You, On Christmas

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Missing You, On Christmas

Another Christmas and yet you are gone, across the ocean, serving our country.

We knew this was a part of the deal, and yet, that doesn’t make it any easier. You are gone, away from us, and all we want for Christmas is you.

As the days get closer to the 25th, my heart feels a little less thrilled with the idea that we are so far away from one another. There is something about this holiday, more than any other, that you should be home for. And yet I know, the military doesn’t work like that. Life doesn’t work like that.

I know as a military spouse, just because I want them to be home doesn’t mean they will be. Just because I think they should be home, doesn’t mean they can be. I have to go with the flow, even if that flow hurts.

As I set up the Christmas tree, I can’t help but hold back a tear. I can’t help but think about the year before when you were here for all this. When you were right by my side as we decided on where each ornament should go.

As I set up the Christmas tree, I think about how hopefully you will be with us next year, and the year after, and the one after that. I hope and pray you never have to be over there during Christmas again. But how realistic is that type of prayer?

As I start to buy presents for our young children, I think about how you won’t be there to see them open them. To see the joy on their faces, and hear them laugh and get excited about Christmas morning.

I think about how I will make sure to record everything so that you don’t miss a thing, but you will anyway. That is just how it is. A million photos never make up for being there, no matter how many you take.

I think about how on Christmas Eve, it will just be me getting everything together. It will just be me putting the kids to bed in their cute Christmas PJs, and just me making sure the cookies and milk are out for Santa. It will just be me pouring some eggnog and watching a Christmas movie late into the night.

We will be missing you on Christmas.

As a military family, we have missed you so many times over the years. You have missed birthdays and anniversaries, and all the little things that make life special. And yet, I can’t help be feel like this is the road we have to be on. That you are a soldier, and I choose to follow you, even if it meant a Christmas away from you. Even if it meant missing you.

I think about how much you have given to this country. And how much more you will give. There will be more times apart, and more Christmases spent in different time zones.

But as I think about missing you on Christmas, I also think about how we can get through this, just like we have before.

You won’t be here for Christmas day, but we will be thinking of one another all the same. That is what we military families do. That is all we can really do when we are hit with missing each other so much.

Christmas won’t be the same, it can’t be, you are not here. But Christmas can still be special and we can still make some memories.

We are missing you on Christmas, as you are missing us. But we will get through this time apart. We always do and make it to the other side.

There is Something So Beautiful About a Holiday Homecoming.

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There is Something So Beautiful About a Holiday Homecoming.

The morning was cold but being that it was December in Tennessee, not a big surprise. When we arrived at the hanger, I knew this would be different than our last deployment, which ended on a hot day in July. Our deployment was over and I only had to wait a few more hours until my husband would be in my arms again.

This 4th deployment had been one of the hardest. I was so glad that the deployment was going to end. What made things even better was that my husband was coming home about a week before Christmas. That felt so magical.

That year, we had the best Christmas ever. That year we didn’t have to miss him. We didn’t have to worry anymore.

We weren’t lonely and we were together. We didn’t have to experience the deployment ache over Christmas and we fully enjoyed the holidays together again. Although in the back of our minds we couldn’t help but remember Christmas spent apart, and how difficult that was.

There is something so beautiful about a holiday homecoming.

Knowing that the deployment will end and that you will be celebrating the holidays together instead of apart.

Knowing that you won’t have to wake up Christmas morning or start Hanukkah alone.

Knowing that they will be there to wish you Happy New Year.

There is something so very beautiful about all of that…

There is nothing quite like a holiday homecoming. To be together again during the time of year you want to be with your family the most. To know that you finished a deployment and the strength that brings you.

As I stood out watching the runaway on that December day, I remember being so cold. But that didn’t matter. The best part was watching that plane land, watching my husband walk down the steps, and knowing he would be in my arms again soon.

I knew I still had so many things to do to get ready for Christmas. Time doesn’t stop just because your spouse is coming home from a deployment. But knowing that I would no longer be waiting for him while wrapping presents and getting all the last-minute holiday things done felt refreshing.

There is something so beautiful about a holiday homecoming.

If you are lucky enough to be getting ready for one, know that you will be in for a treat. All homecomings are amazing, but having one so close to the holidays will allow this homecoming to have a special place in your heart. One you will associate with holiday cheer and the wonder of the season.

Whether there is snow on the ground in upstate New York or the sun on your back in Hawaii, there is nothing quite like a holiday homecoming. Having your spouse return just in time for the magic, will put a smile on your face. Having your spouse home for the festivities is a wonderful thing.

Have you ever had a holiday homecoming?

Feeling Strong as a MilSpouse, It Doesn’t Always Happen

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“We are military spouses, we are strong, we can do anything that comes our way!”

We hear this a lot. How strong we are. How we can get through anything. And while I know we can get through so much, it isn’t always as simple as that. Sometimes military life punches us right in the gut, and that isn’t the easiest to recover from. And the last thing we might be feeling at that time is strong.

The truth of the matter is we as military spouses want to feel strong. We want to believe we can take anything that comes our way, and for the most part we do. But, it is never that simple. 

There are so many different emotions during a deployment. From sadness to excitement, to feeling strong to feeling weak. And the truth is, there is no one right way to feel. Some days you might be on the verge of tears, others you are rocking around your living room because you just hit four months down.

Don’t put the pressure on yourself to always have to feel strong. Because you won’t always feel that way. Some days you will, some days you won’t. What you can do is work to remind yourself that you can do this, no matter how long they might be away. Here is how to do that.

  • Remember what you have already been through. For me, that can be a 15-month deployment or even a short one with two young boys, and a baby. I think about all the time I have been away from my husband and how I was able to grow through that. It helps me put this current situation into perspective. 
  • Change up your routine. Sometimes all we need is to change things up. Maybe this is you deciding that every Friday will now be pizza night. Maybe it is you deciding you need to cancel a few events during the week as the burnout is hitting you hard.

Don’t worry too much about feeling or not feeling strong. Figure out how to make it through the harder days, and you will find that inner strength. You have been through things that you can look back and say, “wow I did it and I can do it again.” 

In addition to this, you can also help other spouses find their strength. You can help one another out, and help each other get to the finish line. Because sometimes when we are feeling strong, others around us are not. And we can here there to help them, just like they help us when the time comes.

Yes, military spouses are strong. We pretty much have to be. But feeling strong isn’t always possible. And sometimes that can make us feel less then.

Just remember that this is normal. Military spouse life is really a mix of emotions, and you won’t always feel like you can conquer the world. And that really is okay. I promise.

The Truth About Missing Your Spouse

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The Truth About Missing Your Spouse

He had been gone a few months, and I was getting used to the deployment. As if you could get used to living without your spouse. I was at that point where missing him went pretty deep.

I missed him being around. I missed the time we had together. I missed him coming home from work. I missed everything about him.

But then I reminded myself that missing your spouse is a part of the military spouse package.

The Truth About Missing Your Spouse

Deployments will happen. He will be gone. And I will miss him. 

When they first deploy, you miss their presence in your home. You miss them being there on a lazy Saturday and being there for your kids. But months into the deployment, missing them feels different.

The truth about missing your spouse is that sometimes you get used to doing so and other times you miss them so much you feel like your heart is going to burst. And you can have both of these feelings in the same week.

You can get to a point where them being gone is your norm. You have your routine. You feel as though you can make it through the deployment. Then one day you wake up and realize you haven’t kissed them in six months and you will have to wait for a few more.

You walk by a couple and feel pains of jealousy even though you have never met them before.

Even the simplest of things like holding hands when you are walking down the street seems like a huge loss. 

You miss the silly jokes and the flirting you guys do with one another.

You laugh at how you used to get annoyed when he worked an extra hour. You would give anything for that now.

You know he could be gone longer, but all you want at the moment is for him to be home ASAP.

You talk yourself into doing something fun, even if you are not in the mood to do so.

You smile for your kids, hug them while they cry, and try to reassure them that Daddy will be home soon, even if it is going to be a while.

Missing someone on a day-to-day basis is exhausting.

You will feel that catching up with you. Breathe. Try to find ways to relax. Try to find ways to connect with each other, even from overseas.

Know that all you are doing is getting through X amount of days before you will be together again. This is just a number. Your number might be long, your number might just be a few weeks, but you just need to get through them.

During my hardest days, I remind myself that all I need to do is get through those days the best way that I can. I plan things, I write in my journal, I remember all the fun times we have had and know we will have more in the future.

Missing your spouse is going to be difficult. This is a good thing.

That means you guys are connected, that you love one another, and when you are apart it can hurt.

That doesn’t mean you will be sad 100% of the time. That doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy yourself. At the end of the day, you have to live your life, even without them.

Staying in bed for a nine-month deployment simply isn’t an option.

The truth about missing your spouse is in the end, the distance makes you stronger. You figure out ways to get through those days apart. You learn how to communicate in ways you didn’t have to in the past. You learn not to take one another for granted.

If you are in a period of time where you are missing your spouse, know that you are not alone. So many other military spouses, as well as other spouses, are going through the same thing. You will get through this. You will make it to the other side.

What do you to help yourself when you are really missing your spouse?

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