Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Deployment

5 Important Things to Celebrate During a Deployment

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Another deployment day has arrived. Big deal, right? Each day drags into the next. One after the other.

It can be easy to get stuck in a deployment. To focus on how much time you have left, and what you are missing. But celebrating the small wins can go a long way toward helping you through that time apart. Here are a few things you can celebrate during your spouse’s next deployment.

1) First month down

Let’s face it, the first and last months of a deployment are the hardest. That first month especially. You might find yourself walking around the house, missing every part of your spouse. It can be draining.

But once you hit that one-month mark, something happens. You can see you are one month down. Even with so many more to go, that’s an accomplishment.

2) Personal wins

Deployments are a great time to work on your own personal goals. So celebrate when you complete one of them, no matter what it is. Maybe you wanted to start exercising, and now you are in a great routine of it. Maybe you wanted to go back to school, and you just signed up. Maybe you wanted to read 50 books this year, and you just finished that goal. Whatever it is, celebrate!

3) First time doing something alone, you usually don’t do

I am sure there are things you are used to doing with your spouse that you now have to do alone. Maybe it is grocery shopping, maybe it is driving back to your hometown. That first time might be a little scary, but celebrate it when you do it. No matter what it is.

Deployments will force you out of your comfort zone. You will have to do things you don’t usually have to do. Celebrate when you do.

4) When you find your people

Finding people to do deployments with is so important. But sometimes, that takes some time. But once you do, there will be a moment when you realize you have found your people.

You might be sitting at a coffee shop, you might be at a park watching your kids play, and then it will hit you, “these are my people,” and what a special feeling that is.

5) The halfway mark

Knowing when you have reached the exact middle of deployment might be impossible, since dates keep changing. Once we thought they would be home in June, and they got home in November instead. But you will probably hit a point where you know you have already hit the top of that deployment mountain.

When you know that you have gone through more days than you have left, and you can celebrate that. It’s a significant deployment milestone. Have a get-together with your friends, organize a potluck, and celebrate how far you have all come.

It might feel like there is nothing to celebrate about a deployment, but there is if you look for it.

celebrating the small wins can go a long way toward helping you through that time apart.

The Military Spouse, On Homecoming Day

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The Military Spouse, On Homecoming Day

I’d been waiting, waiting so long. Waiting for this deployment to end. Waiting for homecoming. Waiting for the last few hours to see his face.

I stand in the cold, with the children by my side. It’s cold but we don’t care. We will be seeing him soon.

We stand outside, me and all the other spouses. We stand and wait, just a little bit longer, just a little more time.

And then we see it, just a dot at first, and then a plane. It’s their plane. It has to be.

And as the plane gets closer, the butterflies get more active and this all starts to feel so real. So very real.

And there it comes, landing right in front of us. Landing with our men on board. Landing, meaning the end to another deployment.

And while it is still cold, we can no longer feel it. We feel at peace. His planned has landed, the last step, the last part of his trip. The last part of the deployment.

And after all the waiting. The lonely nights. Of getting through each day.

And slowly, the door starts to open and we see the first part of a uniform. We see one man and two and then three. And then they start moving. Soldier after soldier.

And we all look for our own. Our soldier. We want to spot them as soon as we can. As soon as we see them, our hearts will warm. As soon as we see them, it will be real.

So we wait and watch as families start to recognize each other. And we know right now it is just time to see them, not to run to them. That will have to wait. But seeing them right now, it’s all that really matters.

And so we do, we see him, my husband, their father. We see him walking off the plane in his uniform. One he has had to wear day after day as he does his job, the one he was trained for.

And he walks by and we all see him and our hearts warm. It’s really over. It really is. Homecoming is here.

And the men go inside, and we go inside but we still have to wait a little bit longer. We still need to stay in order. We still need to wait.

But this waiting is a good waiting. It is the type of waiting where you KNOW the next step. You don’t have to wonder. You know what will happen and it is just a matter of time.

And so you go back inside and you wait. Just a little bit longer. Just a little more time. And then the men start to march inside the hanger.

And you look around and everyone is so very happy. The happiest they have been. The day they have been waiting for.

Then, someone is talking but you have no idea what they said. All you hear is the call for the soldiers to go to their families and your heart bursts. You are standing with your children and then you run, you all run, right into his arms.

Because he is back and the deployment is over. The deployment that was so very hard to get through. The deployment that broke you.

And yet now that part of everything is over. He no longer has to be so far away. He is with you. And as you release from him you are aware of everyone else. You see someone down on one knee out of the corner of your eye, you see a dad meeting his newborn for the first time, you see a mom, hugging her son, who was not only deployed but so far away for the very first time.

And you relax, and you breathe. The first time in months. You hold his hand and take photos and try to relax, because it is over. The deployment is over.

And you did it. You made it. The countdown that was started such a long time ago is now over. And you made it.

While you are not totally sure how this whole reintegration process will go. While you are not sure how life will go back to normal. You are thankful they are home, and back with you, and that you can walk the road again together. Instead of being so many miles apart.

When the Holidays Don’t Feel Like the Holidays

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When the Holidays Don't Feel Like the Holidays

The holidays are here! You want to be excited, you want to go all-in, but…what do you do when your spouse is deployed? When they are off to some other part of the world too many miles from where you are? What do you do when you just don’t feel like doing Christmas? When you just don’t feel like setting anything up? When you just want the holidays to be over so you will be closer to homecoming and seeing your spouse again?

When your spouse is deployed during this time of year, the holidays don’t always feel like the holidays. You might want to skip them altogether, or just wish away time to the new year when the holidays are over. You might not be feeling like you even have much to celebrate. But you do.

I think most military spouses will go through this at one time or another.

Here are some ideas to help if you are feeling like the holidays and not the holidays this year:

Don’t pressure yourself 

One of the biggest issues with social media is comparing yourself to other families. And this seems to get worse during the holidays. The thing is, you don’t have to do things the way others do.

Is there something that overwhelms you at the thought of having to do it? Don’t. Or maybe there is something you normally do with help from your spouse, and you simply don’t have the energy to do so this year. That’s okay too.

Find what works for your family and don’t worry about what everyone else is doing. Take the pressure off yourself. Your holiday season will be much easier that way.

Add a new tradition

Why not try a new tradition this year? Something for you and your kids to get excited about. Are you stationed overseas? If so, why not adopt a tradition of the country you are stationed in? Adding something new can be just what you need to get excited about this holiday season, even if your spouse is deployed.

Plan for celebrating later

If your spouse is coming home early in the new year, you could always save the celebrating for then. If you have very small children or no children, this can work well. Older, school-age children might have trouble with this so you could have a small celebration with plans for a bigger one later. As military families, we have to be flexible and this is one way to do so during a deployment.

Fake it until you make it

Sometimes you simply have to fake it until you make it. Make a list of all the holiday things you normally do and try to work on a few a day, even if you don’t feel like it. Getting started with getting ready for the holidays can help you get in the mood. Involve your kids because you know they are going to be excited about the holidays no matter what.

Put on a Christmas movie, light a holiday candle, or take the kids to see Santa. Do something that can really put you in the holiday mood. This can help you get there, even if you are not sure if it will work.

What have you done to help during the holidays when you don’t feel like celebrating because they are deployed?

Making Your Holidays Special When Your Heart Is An Ocean Away

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He had left in November of that year for his 2nd deployment. That meant he was going to miss Christmas. We were also not going to be going home as we were in Germany and the idea of traveling with a 2-year-old and 4-year-old over the holidays was a little too much. Plus, my parents were coming to visit around my birthday in January.

As I looked ahead to Christmas day I couldn’t help but be sad about my husband missing the holiday. Our boys were still so young. These holidays are important. They are what we will look back to years in the future, the Santa years when everyone was young enough to believe and the toys were rather simple.

But there was nothing I could do. My husband would be in Iraq that Christmas and we would be home in Germany without him. The good thing was I was not alone. Quite a few other spouses were going through the same thing, being without their spouse for Christmas. This included one of my best friends, who also had small children.

We decided that being by ourselves this Christmas wasn’t going to work well for us. We also knew that we needed to plan something to help us get through the day. We made plans. We would spend Christmas morning with our own children, watch them open their gifts, and then meet up to make Christmas dinner together while our kids played.

This was one of the best things we could have done. Were we still sad and missing our husbands? Yes, but we had something else to focus on and so did our kids. That Christmas didn’t turn out to be too horrible after all and all it took was a little planning to make the holiday special.

The key to getting through the holiday season without your spouse by your side is to make the holiday special anyway. Do what you can to bring in the holiday joy, even if you don’t feel like doing so. Here are some great ideas on how to make your holidays special, even when your heart is an ocean away:

Plan Your Special Days

If you celebrate Christmas, plan that day out. What will it look like? Where will you eat? How will you spend that time? Find whatever will work for you and your family. Just plan something. Even if your plan includes taking the kids to a park and picking up fast food on the way home.

What will Hanukkah look like this year? What about New Years? Start planning now to figure out how those days can still be special for you and your children.

Save Presents

Save a few presents to open when mom or dad is back home, even if that will be June. You can have a mini-Christmas later. You don’t even have to let your kids know there are more presents. You can save presents for your deployed spouse as well. Make a fun day of your mini-Christmas after the deployment is over.

Take pictures

Your spouse might miss Christmas but they can still see what you did that day. Take photos of everything you do. Make an album and send that in your next care package or save it for when they get home. Your spouse will want to know how you spent the day.

Decorate

Decorate your house anyway, even if doing so seems hard. Sometimes people just don’t have the desire to do so but try to make yourself decorate anyway. You will be glad you did.

Life can’t stop just because they are deployed. Life has to keep moving, that includes decorating for the season. You can always put your tree up early if they are deploying right before the holidays. Sometimes we military families do things on a slightly different schedule than everyone else. You can also leave the holiday decor up longer than usual so your spouse can see everything when he gets home.

Video Chat With Family and Friends

I know we are probably all sick of Zoom but the holidays can be a good time to video chat with friends and family. Some families enjoy having the video chat on while opening gifts or even having a meal together.

Being able to reach out to others like this can be a good way to combat loneliness. Our family loves using the Facebook Portal and while talking on that is not the same as being together in person, it feels good to connect in that way.

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What have you done in the past to make the holidays special even when your spouse has been away? What advice would you give to new spouses going through their first holiday season alone?

Saying Goodbye During Military Life is Never Easy

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Saying goodbye during military life is the norm. Saying goodbye is never easy to do. Whether you are saying goodbye to your spouse before a long deployment, a best friend who is pcsing somewhere new, or to a season of your life, that you know is about to change.

Saying Goodbye During Military Life

We say goodbye when what we really want to say is don’t go.

We say goodbye when our heart is breaking over who we are saying goodbye to.

We say goodbye and then think, maybe see you later would be a better way to leave things.

As a military spouse, we say goodbye but we also get to say hello.

We say hello to new friends in a new neighborhood.

We say hello to a new way of life, miles from where we grew up.

We say hello to adventures and new memories, to lands we have never dreamed of.

As deployment orders come, we know the goodbye is in our future. We know that are days before the goodbye are limited. And we know that the day we have to say those words is going to be difficult for us to get through.

Then the day comes. They have to go, they have no choice. The military has to come first, and this time, she is blazing in, taking our loved ones away for a period of time.

But then, after the goodbye, maybe days after, maybe weeks. We figure out how to get through. We military spouses can’t live in the goodbye, we need to find our inner strength to make it through the time apart.

As friends tell us they are leaving. As they let us know the last day they can hang out with us. As they get excited about a new home, knowing that before they get there, we will have to say goodbye.

And during that last hug, we wonder when we will meet again. Will we have that meet-up next year? Will we stay in touch like we are promising? Is this truly a goodbye or more of a see you later.

Friends come and go during our military years. Some we still talk to, on a daily basis. Others fade into our memories, bringing us back to how life used to be.

We know we will always have the chance to meet new people. Maybe in a Facebook group, or at an online event. Maybe at an FRG meeting or even the local playground. And when we do, we hope that we will never truly have to say goodbye, no matter where the military road might take us.

We know seasons change, and our kids won’t stay young forever. We have to say goodbye to the way things were and move on to the way things are today. Knowing, that someday, this season will be over too.

We change as people, as the years go by. Everything we experience in life shapes us into our present selves. Deployments, and moves and hellos, and goodbyes. As the years pass by, we learn from our mistakes and see what we can do to be better prepared in the future.

Life in our 20s is different than life in our 30s and 40s. So many goodbyes and focusing on just those would be easy to do. But as a military spouse, focusing on the hellos and the new memories we will make can help us get to a better place, even if that is hard to do sometimes.

Saying goodbye during military life is a part of the deal. We know this, and we prepare. But saying hello to new adventures, new friends, and new experiences can be how we are able to handle this military life. We take the good with the bad and make the best of what we can.

12 Things You Must Do As Soon As Your Spouse Deploys

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12 Things You Must Do As Soon As Your Spouse Deploys

12 Things You Must Do As Soon As Your Spouse Deploys

Your spouse just deployed. What now? What are you supposed to do? Here are 12 things you must do as soon as your spouse deploys.

1. Have a good cry

If you feel like you need to cry, do so. Put on a Disney video for your kids, go into your room, and let it all out. Then pick yourself back up, and plan for the rest of your deployment. For a lot of people, crying is a way to get all the sadness out. And having a good cry can get you in a better place so don’t be afraid to do so.

2. Call your mom

Call your mom. She can be there for you. You can also call your mother-in-law, your sister, or anyone you know that will lend a listening ear. The start of a deployment can be pretty shocking. You have to get used to your new normal, and that will take some time. Reach out to someone and let them know what is going on.

Surviving deployment

3. List your support system

Make a list of your support system. This sounds silly but having a list of who you can count on when your spouse is deployed is a good idea. List people you can call to get together with, those who you can call if you need help with childcare, or those you simply want to be around. The sad truth is not everyone is going to be supportive so spend your time with those who will be, whether they are civilians or other military spouses.

4. Buy some ice cream

Go ahead and buy some ice cream. Ben and Jerry’s works. Keep some in your freezer for those nights when deployment gets a little too difficult. Don’t like ice cream? Buy some brownies or cookie mix or anything you like to have on hand during the more difficult periods of military life.

5. Fill up your calendar

Get a calendar; any will do. I prefer paper calendars, but others like to keep everything online. Whatever you use, fill up your calendar. Make plans. Look for local events, add those too. Make plans with friends. Stay busy. One of the best ways to get through this deployment is to stay busy. You are going to need to fill up that calendar to do so.

Fill up your calendar

6. Buy a journal

Writing in a journal during a deployment is a good way to have a space to get your feelings out. The best thing about it is that no one else has to see what you write. You can write out how angry you are that your husband had to deploy again or how your wife is going to miss your son’s 2nd birthday. There are so many pretty journals out there too, take a look.  (affiliate link)

7. Get some wine or Dr. Pepper, whatever works

Get some wine or Dr. Pepper or whatever your drink of choice is. You know not to go crazy with the stuff but having a glass after the kids go to bed can be very relaxing.

8. Book a trip

Plan a trip back home. Plan a vacation to visit a friend or to take your kids to Disneyland. Make these plans so that you have something to look forward to and can have fun even when your spouse is deployed. While it can be hard to travel when you have babies and smaller children, see what you can do. If you have a friend, you can travel together and help each other out with the kids as well as making make memories together.

surviving deployment

9. Plan regular get-togethers

Plan some regular get-togethers with friends. Have book club at your house every Friday night, plan to have a weekly or monthly dinner with some of your friends with deployed spouses, or plan to meet at the park every Monday to get the kids out of the house and to have some coffee with your friends. Having these regular get-togethers can make the deployment go by so much faster.

10. Buy some stationary

You are going to want to write your spouse when they get an address. Go pick out some cute stationery to send to them.  Here are some stationary ideas! (affiliate link) Love letters during a deployment are the best!

11. Go to the post office

Get yourself to the post office or order supplies online. You will want to send care packages. Some get into this and send packages with the most creative of themes. Others send packages as their spouse needs things such as baby wipes or their favorite candy.

12. Read deployment posts

There are quite a few milspouse bloggers that write about deployments. You can learn a lot from these posts as each blogger brings their own experiences about deployment to their writing. They can give you an idea of how to get through your own deployment. Here are my deployment posts for you to read.

What do you do as soon as your spouse deploys?

5 Things I Have Learned During My Time As A Solo Parent

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16 years ago, my husband went to a recruiter for the Army reserves. We walked out of the place and said, “Nope, that isn’t going to be an option for us.” One reason was that he would have to drive a few hours to get to his monthly drills. Another reason was that I would have to be a solo parent and I couldn’t imagine it.

Yep, I couldn’t see how I could parent by myself. Doing so didn’t seem possible. I laugh about that now.

Back then I had one little boy who wasn’t even a year old yet. I really didn’t think I could handle solo parenting. It sounded awful. Just being the only parent around for days, weeks, months at a time? How could we even be thinking about that?

Well, as it turned out, we decided that active duty Army was the way to go. He signed his papers and left for Germany. Instant solo parenting!

Over the years I have in fact gone days, weeks, months, and one time over a year as the only parent in the house. Over the years I have learned a lot about myself, my parenting, and about how to be with kids when you are the only one in charge.

1) Some things ARE easier by yourself.

Take middle-of-the-night feedings. My husband was gone when boy #2 was a newborn and when #3 was about two months old. That meant he just wasn’t there during the months that my babies woke up to eat in the middle of the night.

As hard as it was to do that alone, not worrying about waking him up was nice. I didn’t have to be extra quiet as I climbed out of bed. I could turn the light on if need be. It really did make the middle of the night times a little bit easier.

2) Sometimes you can only do what you can do.

When it is just you, when you are tired and lonely and worn down, you look at what is important. You don’t dwell so much on the little silly things. You focus on what needs to get done and do it. That can be freeing in some ways.

3) No butting heads about the little things.

Since you are the solo parent, you don’t tend to ask your spouse about all the little parenting choices you have to make. All the choices are all up to you. You never want to do something your spouse would hate but you also won’t butt heads over something small.

4) More time for yourself. More time to think.

After you put the kids to bed, you can have your me time. This will give you more time to think. To think about what went right, to think about what went wrong and what you can do better the next day.

Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with my husband after the kids go to bed when he is home, but when he isn’t, I take the time to reflect a little more than I do when he is around.

5) You can do more than you think you can.

Going back to 2005, I didn’t think I could handle being a solo parent. When people tell me they couldn’t do military life, I remember that. I remember that I didn’t think I could either. Is it hard? Yep. Do you just want your spouse home when they are away? Yep. Can you make things work if you have to? Yes you can.

Whether your spouse is in the Military or has another job that keeps them away sometimes, solo parenting can be draining. Find some good support systems to help you through. Realize that you will have to let things go and enjoy the time that you do have together. You can get through it, I know that you can.

6 Tips For Surviving a Long Distance Relationship That Seems Like it Will Last Forever

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6 Tips For Surviving a Long Distance Relationship That Seems Like it Will Last Forever

If you have ever been in a long distance relationship, you know how hard they can be. All you want is to live in the same area as your loved one but for whatever reason, you can’t. Maybe your boyfriend goes to college across the country from where you went to college, maybe you met someone from another state on your last vacation, or maybe you are dating or married to a service member whose military service takes them away from you.

6 Tips For Surviving a Long Distance Relationship That Seems Like it Will Last Forever

Whatever the reason you are in an LDR, know that they never last forever and you can get through that time apart.

Here are six tips for surviving a long distance relationship that seems like it will last forever.

Live where you live, not where they do

When I was with one of my college boyfriends, we were in a long-distance relationship too, and I made a big mistake. I tried to stay so connected to him where he was, that I missed out on living where I was. I would stay home just to talk to him on the phone, I wouldn’t go out and make friends because I had him.

And in the end, I was miserable. Living that way isn’t good. Make sure to live your life where you are currently living, even if your loved one is far away.

Make plans to be together

Since people are in long distance relationships for different reasons, ask yourself if there is anything you can do to live closer to one another. Maybe all it would take is one of you moving to another city. Maybe you just need to be okay with leaving your hometown to join your military boyfriend at his first duty station.

While this is very personal and will be different for everyone, see if there is anything you can change about your situation. There might just a way to make some changes so that you no longer have to be in a long distance relationship.

6 Tips For Surviving a Long Distance Relationship That Seems Like it Will Last Forever

But look at the big picture

While making some changes can lead to you being together, you also shouldn’t just give up your dreams because the distance is too hard. You might be in school, trying to finish your degree. He might need to go away and finish up a few years in Germany before you two can get married and start your lives together.

There could be good long-term reasons why you are in a long-distance relationship at the moment, and you want to be careful about messing that up. Love can be tricky sometimes and being careful about any big decision when it comes to making plans is a good idea.

Talk often, but not too often

You want to work on your relationship, even across the miles. You want to talk often and communicate with one another. This is all very important when you can’t see them in person all of the time.

However, sometimes you can talk too often. This happens a lot in military circles. The service member calls twice a day, and the military spouse has trouble coming up with things to say. She feels too pressured, and that gets frustrating.

Getting on the same page about how often you will talk is a good idea. Maybe you won’t call every single day, but you can send text messages whenever you feel the need. Going over expectations is essential.

Write love letters

Don’t discount getting out the pen and paper and writing an actual love letter. These are so special and give you both a way to get your feelings to one another out. They make lovely keepsakes down the line if you two stay together for the long term.

If you are dating or married to someone in the military, you might not always be able to get a hold of them. But you can always write them a letter and put that in the mail, sending your love across the miles.

6 Tips For Surviving a Long Distance Relationship That Seems Like it Will Last Forever

Find others in an LDR too

See if you can find some friends that are going through a long distance relationship too. Being around a lot of in-person couples can be difficult when your loved one is far away. Finding others who get what that is like is a smart idea.

You are not the only one going through this. You are not the only person who feels like their partner lives inside of your phone. Find ways to make it through, connect over the miles, and one day, you will no longer have to be apart.

What are your best tips for surviving a long distance relationship?