Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Deployment

The First 30 Days of a Deployment

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Oh deployments!

Such a huge part of military life. Some members of the military deploy more than others, but as a military spouse, you most likely will be dealing with them on and off during your spouse’s career.

The pre-deployment period can be pretty rough, and then the deployment starts. And once it does, you may be left feeling like you have such a huge challenge in front of you. You may be feeling like you don’t even know where to start to get through the time apart.

I remember reading in a magazine years ago that the first 30 days of a breakup are the hardest. This followed with an article about what to do each day to move ahead.

A deployment is like a breakup in some ways. Although it is one that doesn’t last forever. You go through a lot of similar feelings of loss and sadness. Of wondering if there was a way your spouse didn’t have to get deployed and then eventually coming to some type of acceptance.

So here we go…

Your guide to the first 30 days of deployment.

Day 1 will be the day they leave, usually, it has been the morning for us so I did have a full day to get through before bedtime. If your spouse deploys at night, you can call the next day Day 1.

Day 1- Breathe. Relax. Get your kids together and tell them that you are all going to get through this. That you are there for them and you will make it through.

Day 2- Come up with a plan. A list of things you will do when your spouse is gone. Work on your hobbies? Redo the kitchen? Come up with at least 10 different projects you can focus on.

Day 3- Make a list of 5 friends you can call. When you want to get together with someone. Or if you really need something. Don’t be afraid to ask for help during the deployment.

Day 4- Buy some pretty stationary to write love letters on. You will be glad you did.

Day 5- Call your mom and cry your eyes out. If you don’t have a good relationship with her, call your Mother-In-Law, your sister, or someone you can cry to. It’s okay to cry about this.

Day 6- Go get some ice cream or a yummy treat. You need it. You have made it almost a week.

Day 7- Find a new book to read. Go to the library and pick out a few. Ask your friends for suggestions.

Day 8– Start your first care package. Make it a themed one. Put all your spouse’s favorite items in there.

Day 9- Start on your project list if you haven’t already. Complete at least one of them. Want to paint something? Pick a day you will do that, buy the paint, and get started.

Day 10- Plan to have people over. Don’t know anyone in town? See if you can attend an event to meet people. (This might not apply if you are reading this in 2020 unfortunately.)

Day 11- Take your kids somewhere you have never been before. Maybe it is a new park. Maybe it is a new mall. Do something you haven’t done in the past. And take pictures.

Day 12– Write in your journal. Get it all out. Don’t have one? Go buy something pretty and start using it. You will be glad you did.

Day 13- Make a nice dinner. No cereal tonight. You are almost two weeks in. You got this.

Day 14- Plan a trip during the deployment. Make plans to visit home. If you can’t afford to travel, try a day trip. Put something on the calendar to look forward to.

Day 15- Try to attend an FRG meeting, even if it is just a virtual one. Find out when the next one is and put it on the calendar. They might get a bad rap sometimes but they also can be a good way to connect.

Day 16- Start another one of your projects. Make plans to get it done.

Day 17- Binge watch a show. It’s okay. If you can’t binge watch, find time to watch a few episodes. Take your mind off the stresses of the last few weeks.

Day 18- Buy some bubble bath and enjoy. Grab your book and soak for a bit. You might have to wait until the kids are in bed but it will be worth it.

Day 19- Send another love letter. Make it silly. Spray some of your perfume. Why not?

Day 20- Talk to your spouse about an after deployment trip. Just throw out some ideas. You will want to go somewhere if only for a day or two.

Day 21- Invite a friend out for coffee even if you don’t feel like it. Talking with others will be good for you. It will be nice to get out and enjoy some girl time.

Day 22- Buy a new piece of clothing. On a tight budget? Hit the thrift stores. Just find something new for you.

Day 23- Join a new group. Heard of a book club you always wanted to try? Send an email and find out more details. Connecting with others will really help the time go by faster.

Day 24- Plan a potluck to celebrate one month down. Invite other spouses going through a deployment. It might seem like a little thing but making it through that first month is a big deal. (And if this is still 2020, see if you can plan a Zoom event with some friends. They don’t even have to live in your city.)

Day 25- Call his mom. She might be worried. She might be lonely. It will be good to hear from you. You are the two people in the world that miss that person more than anyone else.

Day 26- Start exercising every day if you don’t already do this. It is a great stress reliever.

Day 27- Plan another package. Ask your spouse what they need.

Day 28- Start a blog. Blogging during a deployment can be a great way to get things out. Don’t forget about OPSEC. And let me know you started it 🙂

Day 29- Take your camera out for a photo walk. It doesn’t matter what kind of camera. It will do your heart good to get out there and take some new pictures.

Day 30- Celebrate the fact that you are now 30 days in. You are on your way. You got this deployment! You are making it, even if it is just a day at a time.

Going through a deployment right now? I hope this helps a bit!

Just know that you are not alone and a lot of us Military spouses have been through it before.

Want a free Guide for the First 30 Days of a Deployment PDF???

Of Bubble Baths and Deployment Days

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I remember the day…so long ago now. It was the middle of my husband’s 1st deployment to Iraq. I was in Germany with my baby and two-year-old.

I can’t tell you why this one day was so hard. I just remember it being so. I remember being way too stressed out about everything I had to do.

Take care of the baby, take the preschooler to school, go to the Commissary, clean the house, worry about my husband, put the baby down for a nap, wake the baby up to get the preschooler, take him to the park to get his energy out, and figure out how to get through the day.

It was probably late afternoon and I was struggling. But I just had to push through. I just had to get to bedtime.

Back then I would start dinner at 4:30. I know that seems early but I had to get these kids going on a bedtime routine. As soon as I made it to 4:30, I felt like I had accomplished something, another deployment day was ending.

On this particular day, getting to that 4:30 time seemed extra difficult, but I had a plan. Dinner, get the boys ready for bed, get them to bed, and then…me time!

I needed this me time so bad. Especially on this day.

Me time is so important to me, and I need it. Over the years, how I found that me time has changed.

These days, with two teenagers and a 9-year-old, I can do a lot more. I can leave my oldest in charge and go anywhere I want to go. Target, the movies, out to eat, or to see a friend. I have a lot more freedom, even when my husband is gone.

Back then, in that little apartment in Schweinfurt Germany, things were quite different. I had to find small windows to find that me time, all within the walls of my home.

A bubble bath with a good book became my saving grace. There was just something about running the water, adding the soap, and climbing in after a long day with the boys that gave me hope. There is something about water that just relaxes me and helps me stay focused.

Finding that time to myself, even with sleeping children in the next room, was a must. During so much of that deployment, I found myself in survival mode, just trying to get through. But that me time allowed me to start to thrive a bit, if only for an hour or two.

Years later, I still use a bubble bath to help me relax. Even if my husband is home, and I am not dealing with toddlers anymore. I find the water to be healing and a great way to let out the stress of the day.

If you feel like you are in a place where going out of your house for me time is close to impossible, see what you can do at home. There must be something or some way for you to find that time for yourself, even if it is just for an hour, even for just 10 minutes.

And if it is hard to find that time, know it won’t always be that way. If your spouse is deployed, it can seem like you have neverending days of being the only parent in the house, the only one who can help the kids, the only one who can be in charge. But deployments eventually end, time moves on, and you will be in a different season of your life.

How do you like to find me time? What works when your spouse is deployed and it is harder to find?

What to Think About Before You Marry a Service Member

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What to Think About Before You Marry a Service Member

Whatever situation you are in or whatever situation you have been in, you did have to make the decision to become a military spouse. You had to decide that YES, you wanted to spend your life with someone who is in the military. That YES, you wanted your future to include the military.

So, what does being married to someone in the military mean? What would life be like to marry your boyfriend who is now a soldier? What does it mean when your husband of five years wants to join the Marines?

What would it mean to marry the person you are in love with knowing that marrying them meant moving across the country and living as a military spouse?

Here are some things you need to think about when trying to make this decision:

Saying Goodbye Will Be A Part Of Your Life

No matter who you are or what type of military spouse you are, you will have to say goodbye and often. You will have to sleep alone. You will have to wait for orders and your future.

This is all a part of military life. How long they are gone and how often they will go can vary but the truth is, you will have to say goodbye to your spouse on a regular basis. And it is not an easy thing to do.

You Will Have To Be Away From Home

If your spouse is going to be going Active duty military, you most likely will have to move away from home. In some cases, you can try to stay if your home is near a military installation or if your spouse does some type of duty that allows him to live close by to where you are from.

However, in most cases, you will not be able to stay there for their entire career and you will have to move away. You could end up across the country, across the world, or just the next state over. You never really know and sometimes you don’t get a say, especially as they move up in rank.

The Kid Thing

Ahh, kids. When you are thinking about the future and having kids, do you think about how your spouse might not be there? It’s a sad reality that they might miss your pregnancy, the birth, and the 1st year.

They could miss the terrible 2s or kindergarten. They could miss out on so much and sometimes there is nothing you can do about that but accept that. Can you handle that?

Here is a secret. You might think you can’t handle that, but…you might be surprised what you can do when you love a member of the military.

I thought I couldn’t do that part of military life, not at first. In the end, I have been able to get through it, and at some points, it was even harder than I thought. But in the end, I just do what I have to do.

Some military couples don’t plan to have kids while in the military. Their plan is to have them later on in life and that is an option as well. But that also depends on how long they want to stay in and when the couple wants to start their family.

Solo parenting is quite challenging, but you will find that you are not alone when you have to do it. So many military spouses will be solo parenting with you, which makes things a bit easier.

The “D” Word

Your spouse might deploy for just a few months at a time. They might deploy for a year. They might have to deploy off and on for years.

There is no way to sugar coat a deployment. They are rough, from the pre-deployment stage to after they come home and everyone tries to get back to normal life. If there are no deployments, there will be trainings or other reasons they have to go away for weeks or months at a time.

The Community

I have talked about the difficult parts of military life. The parts that make it hard to want to commit to this life. The reasons some people get out of the military before they thought they would. But what about the good things about military life?

As hard as this life gets, you won’t be alone in going through your challenges. There is an amazing military community out there. Many other spouses have gone through what you are going through.

Other military spouses get this life and can offer a listening ear. You will make some of your closest friends as military spouses. Friends that will help you through solo parenting, deployments, pcsing, and even retirement.

Is It Worth It?

Is military life worth it? Is your love worth it? Only you can answer that.

Only you know what you can handle and what you can’t.

I will tell you that if in your heart of hearts that you know you should be with this person, and that walking away from them is not an option, you can find ways to make it as a military spouse.

So many of us are doing it right now, taking military life one day at a time. And we are here to support you in your own military spouse journey.

What are you most worried about when it comes to committing to military life?

When They Are Deployed During a Pandemic

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When They Are Deployed During a Pandemic

You knew 2020 meant a deployment, and you tried to prepare yourself for the time apart, but then, 2020 took a turn and you found yourself saying goodbye right as the world started to change.

You had no idea what this would mean for the deployment, or what this would mean for you and your kids back at home. You just knew a deployment during a pandemic was going to add another layer of stress, on an already stressful situation.

As the deployment got started, and everything started to close down, you just weren’t sure how long it would all last. Hopefully not too long? But as the numbers climbed, you knew this was something that would be impossible to plan.

Whenever your spouse goes away, you always have a plan. Stay busy! Find things for the kids to do! Get out of the house.

But then, most of that was canceled. The soccer games you knew you would have each Saturday, helping you get through your weekend, were canceled. Going to church wasn’t a way to connect with others, but instead, a service online in your living room. You couldn’t rely on all those playdates that got you through the last deployment.

And as time goes on you start to feel so lost. Day after day, it’s the same thing. Day after day, you have to find new ways to get through a deployment. The old ways don’t apply anymore.

Before your spouse left, you told yourself it would be okay because this time you would have kids in school all day, only to have them home right before spring break, and still be home months later.

Before your spouse left you had looked forward to visiting your family in the summer, but now, that trip has been canceled. And you aren’t sure when you can rebook.

Before your spouse left, you had a long list of things you and the kids were going to do. Your bucket list was long, but now on a few things are possible.

As time goes on, you start to worry a bit. A few friends are dealing with delayed homecomings, and you wonder if that will happen to your spouse, when it is their time to come home.

As a military spouse, you have been through many types of frustrating situations. From a delayed PCS to an extended deployment, but this deployment during a pandemic thing is a lot to deal with. Almost too much.

You wonder how long it will last, both the deployment and the pandemic.

You wonder what can really help because staying busy is now a lot more challenging.

You wonder how this will affect your kids and what you can do to help them.

As you wake up each morning, you try to think of the positives about what is going on. The good things. The happy things.

But some mornings, that’s just too hard. Some mornings, that is just too much. Some mornings, you wish you could hit the fast forward button so that all of this would be over and you could get back to your normal life.

You hope time goes by a little faster than it is. You try to do the best that you can do because that is all you can do. You hope this never happens again, and that once it is over, you can come out a stronger person, able to take on whatever military life brings at you.

So many may be struggling with a deployment during a pandemic. The National Guard has been called up for various reasons, and some have AT coming up soon. Others are preparing for a deployment during this crazy time.

None of this is easy, and it has taken us all by surprise. From delayed PCS moves, to not being able to travel like normal, the pandemic has affected military life in many ways.

Know that if you are dealing with any of this, you are not alone. Some of what has worked in the past won’t work right now, but you still have things you can do to get through it.

You might not be able to get together with friends, but texts and video chats can help.

You might not be able to visit your family, but setting up a weekly Zoom call can help keep you connected over the miles.

You might not be able to stay busy in the ways you have before, but you can take this time to find other ways to do, either at home or in nature of some kind.

It might seem that this is our new normal, and no one really knows how long we will be living in pandemic mode. But no matter what happens, the deployment will eventually end, and things will change.

2020 will eventually end, and hopefully, future years will be a bit easier on all of us.

Another Month Down, Another Brave Crate

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Another Month Down, Another Brave Crate

I received a free box for review!

I am a BIG fan of countdowns. I know not everyone likes them, and I never do them publicly, but for my own sanity, I need to have some type of countdown going. At least to see how far we have come and how much further we might have to go.

Once we hit that one month mark of a deployment, I can start to look forward to another month down. Each month down is another month closer to that homecoming date.

Have you heard of Brave Crate? They are a monthly box just for military spouses going through a deployment. How awesome is that?

While Brave Crate wasn’t around during our past deployments, if we go through one in the future, I know signing up for the box would be one of the first things I would do. Why?

  • Monthly Mail- Who doesn’t love getting mail? I LOVE it, even more so when my husband was away. I love fun boxes and cool treats. And this monthly box? It is made ALL for the military spouse.
  • Try new products- One of the best things about a monthly box is that it is filled with new products, many I have never seen before. This helps me find new small businesses to order from or to find a new product I can use and love.
  • Made just for us- I LOVE that Brave Crate is made just for military spouses going through a deployment. They have challenges and ways to use the products to get to your goals.
  • The Brave Crate Community- Did you know Brave Crate also has a Facebook group? They are pretty amazing and can be a good place to talk deployments, find new friends, and gush about the latest box.

What’s in the box???

Here is what came in May’s Brave Crate Box!!!

Another Month Down, Another Brave Crate
Another Month Down, Another Brave Crate
Another Month Down, Another Brave Crate
Another Month Down, Another Brave Crate
Another Month Down, Another Brave Crate
Another Month Down, Another Brave Crate

How much does Brave Crate cost?

The box is $33.99/month for a 6-month subscription. Shipping for your box is only $6 no matter where you are! Brave Crate also offers monthly and 3-month subscription options.

Are you interested in a Brave Crate box? If so head on over and sign up, use the code SWCL and receive $5 off your first box!

The Military Spouse, On Homecoming Day

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The Military Spouse, On Homecoming Day

I’d been waiting, waiting so long. Waiting for this deployment to end. Waiting for homecoming. Waiting for the last few hours to see his face.

I stand in the cold, with the children by my side. It’s cold but we don’t care. We will be seeing him soon.

We stand outside, me and all the other spouses. We stand and wait, just a little bit longer, just a little more time.

And then we see it, just a dot at first, and then a plane. It’s their plane. It has to be.

And as the plane gets closer, the butterflies get more active and this all starts to feel so real. So very real.

And there it comes, landing right in front of us. Landing with our men on board. Landing, meaning the end to another deployment.

And while it is still cold, we can no longer feel it. We feel at peace. His planned has landed, the last step, the last part of his trip. The last part of the deployment.

And after all the waiting. The lonely nights. Of getting through each day.

And slowly, the door starts to open and we see the first part of a uniform. We see one man and two and then three. And then they start moving. Soldier after soldier.

And we all look for our own. Our soldier. We want to spot them as soon as we can. As soon as we see them, our hearts will warm. As soon as we see them, it will be real.

So we wait and watch as families start to recognize each other. And we know right now it is just time to see them, not to run to them. That will have to wait. But seeing them right now, it’s all that really matters.

And so we do, we see him, my husband, their father. We see him walking off the plane in his uniform. One he has had to wear day after day as he does his job, the one he was trained for.

And he walks by and we all see him and our hearts warm. It’s really over. It really is. Homecoming is here.

And the men go inside, and we go inside but we still have to wait a little bit longer. We still need to stay in order. We still need to wait.

But this waiting is a good waiting. It is the type of waiting where you KNOW the next step. You don’t have to wonder. You know what will happen and it is just a matter of time.

And so you go back inside and you wait. Just a little bit longer. Just a little more time. And then the men start to march inside the hanger.

And you look around and everyone is so very happy. The happiest they have been. The day they have been waiting for.

Then, someone is talking but you have no idea what they said. All you hear is the call for the soldiers to go to their families and your heart bursts. You are standing with your children and then you run, you all run, right into his arms.

Because he is back and the deployment is over. The deployment that was so very hard to get through. The deployment that broke you.

And yet now that part of everything is over. He no longer has to be so far away. He is with you. And as you release from him you are aware of everyone else. You see someone down on one knee out of the corner of your eye, you see a dad meeting his newborn for the first time, you see a mom, hugging her son, who was not only deployed but so far away for the very first time.

And you relax, and you breathe. The first time in months. You hold his hand and take photos and try to relax, because it is over. The deployment is over.

And you did it. You made it. The countdown that was started such a long time ago is now over. And you made it.

While you are not totally sure how this whole reintegration process will go. While you are not sure how life will go back to normal. You are thankful they are home, and back with you, and that you can walk the road again together. Instead of being so many miles apart.

When Your Spouse’s Deployment Gets Extended

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When Your Spouse's Deployment Gets Extended

They tell you not to trust the date you are first given for your spouse’s return from a deployment. That is good advice. Deployment dates change all of the time. Maybe by just a few weeks, maybe just a few days, and sometimes by a few months.

Being aware that nothing is set in stone is a good idea. You don’t want to get disappointed. You don’t want to disappoint your kids. And as much as you want to have a firm date, you know you can’t ever really get one.

However, when your spouse’s deployment gets extended, it can be one of the most stressful things you have to go through. We went through this in 2007, and now, more families are going through it due to the new restrictions about troop movements due to what is going on in the world.

A deployment extension means, having to wait longer than you ever thought you would for your spouse to return home from deployment.

A deployment extension means you will probably always assume a deployment will get extended in the future, just to protect yourself.

A deployment extension means that there will be more missed birthdays and more missed holidays.

A deployment extension can truly mess with your emotions. You know dates could have changed, but that still won’t prepare you for actually going through it. You know you are strong enough to get through even a few more weeks of a deployment, but you also feel yourself starting to break at the thought of even more time apart.

When a military family has to go through an extension, it creates a lot of fear. Will the deployment be extended even longer? Will we ever get a homecoming date?

When a military family has to go through an extension, it can be hard to relate to other family and friends who don’t have to go through it. It can be hard to relate when people are talking about spending too much time together when all you really want is your loved one back in your arms.

When a military family has to go through a deployment extension, the stress levels can be very high, and everyone can be very emotional. There will be tears, and anger and frustrations, even when it comes to little things in life.

My heart goes out to any military family going through this right now. You thought the deployment was almost over, but now it needs to go on a little longer. You thought you had gotten through the worst of it, but now you still have too many days ahead of you. You might be feeling like you are alone in how you feel, but I assure you, you are not.

When I found out my husband was going to get extended, I felt defeated. I felt like I didn’t have the energy to make it through any more deployment days. I was so sad, and so frustrated that this was happening.

For us, a deployment extension meant that my husband would be gone over a year. I am not sure how many military families are facing that right now. But being deployed over a year brings up even more struggles and frustration. There is just something about hitting that year mark that is just so sad and frustrating.

But whether you thought you would have a four-month deployment and now looking at six months, or a nine-month deployment and now dealing with them being deployed almost a year, you are allowed to grieve a delayed homecoming.

Your feelings are real and it’s okay to be frustrated that you are not going to see your spouse when you thought you would. Yes, you know how important it is to keep people safe and travel restrictions are apart of that. But that doesn’t mean you are not going to grieve what was or what your expectations were before this happened.

I can tell you to stay busy, that’s really all you can do but these days staying busy is harder then it used to be. Maybe staying busy will be working on a household project or taking a long drive with the kids every day.

I can tell you to reach out to friends, which is important. But during this time you can’t all get together like you used to. You can’t meet up for coffee or a playdate, and that adds another level of frustration. Thank goodness we still have our phones and social media.

I can tell you to take this one day at a time, but I know how hard that. I know that the long days don’t want to move and that it seems like the deployment will never be over. I know how hard it is to wait even longer than you thought you would have to.

This time in history is a hard time for everyone. We are all missing something, but for those military families going through a deployment extension, they are missing a part of their family, and that truly can be heartbreaking.

If you are not going through this right now, have compassion for those who are. This is something that could happen to any of us with a spouse in the military and has happened to many of us in the past. Let’s come together as a community to get through this, and help one another through the days ahead.

“Challenges are what make life interesting and overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.” – Joshua J. Marine

The Lessons You Learn When You Are a Solo Parent

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My son was not even a year old and my husband and I started talking about him going back into the Army. I remember telling him that I couldn’t possibly parent my son while he was away from us for months and months. I couldn’t possibly do it alone. I needed him!

Just a few months later, my 13-month old son and I dropped him off as he headed off to Germany as an active duty soldier. At the time I had no idea what the next few months or years would bring. I had no idea how much solo parenting I would have to do.

By the time we got to our 4th deployment, I think my husband had been gone more than he had been home. I went through so many months of solo parenting during those early parenting years.

These days, he is home a lot more often and I am so thankful for that. But I will never forget the years he wasn’t. I will never forget all those days as a solo parent, that went on for months and months, causing me to have to completely rethink the way I parented and the way I lived my life.

I learned a lot during my periods of solo parenting. I am still learning even now. Taking one parent out of the house changes the dynamic and you have to figure out how to adjust.

Here are some of the lessons I have learned as a solo parent:

You can only do what you can do

You will learn this lesson rather quickly. There is only one of you. You might also be on a limited budget.

You can only do what you can do. You can only be in one place at one time. You will have to make some choices, ones you might not have had to make if you were not a solo parent.

You can do more than you think you can

This is huge! There have been so many times when I would cringe and think that I couldn’t get through a deployment or other situation. I felt so overwhelmed. But in the end, I was able to make it through.

Remember, I used to think I couldn’t possibly solo parent with one child, and yet in the end I did, and now do it with three. We, military spouses, are capable of more than we think we are.

Somethings are actually easier

My husband was gone for many of the newborn years with my 2nd and 3rd babies. And those early months were actually easier in some ways than when he was home with my oldest son. That isn’t to say I would wish him away or glad he missed those months, not at all.

But the little things, like nursing in the middle of the night became a lot easier. I didn’t have to worry about waking him up. I didn’t have to worry about being too loud. I could just attend to the baby and that was my sole focus at the moment.

I am a better parent when my husband is home

As much as I try to look for the good during my time as a solo parent, at the end of the day, I am a better parent when my husband is by my side. We are both different people and handle situations differently but I think we complement one another.

If I am getting too stressed out, he can take over. If he needs a break, I can step in. And sadly, when I am solo parenting, I don’t have that. And I miss it.

The small stuff doesn’t matter

You will find that as a solo parent, you stop worrying so much about all the little stuff. There is so much we have to think about as moms and letting some of that go is a must when your spouse is away. You simply don’t have the space to worry about it.

Of course, what is “small” might be different for each person. I am fine with a pizza night, but others might not be. I want everyone to sleep in their own beds, but others are all about a family sleepover.

I have also learned that I can’t compare myself to other moms. I just can’t. For one thing, I would be comparing knowing 100% about myself to the smaller % that others show the world. That just isn’t a good way to live your life.

You have to figure out what works for you and your family and what your kids really need. You need to do what is best for your own family and not worry about anyone else. And doing so will bring you a lot of peace.

Self-care is so important

Self-care is always important. But as a solo parent, self-care is a must. And do not feel guilty for taking time for yourself.

If you have small children, see if your base or post offers any free childcare options. They might have a Super Saturday or night out you can use. Take advantage of these times, even if all you are going to do is grab a book and sit at a coffee shop for three hours.

Find things you like to do and make plans to do them. Yes, you want your kids to be okay and live their best life, but you can also stop and make time for yourself too. Even if you have to be creative to find that time.

Whenever you go through something challenging, there will be lessons to learn along the way. If you are in a season of solo parenting, remember, you will be able to get through this, and learn from it all as you make your way to the finish line.

What is your best solo parenting tip???

Just Another MilSpouse Valentine’s Day

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Just Another MilSpouse Valentine's Day

You can head to your local Target before it is even January 1st and be hit in the face with Valentine’s everything. That stuff shows up way before your ready and seems to stick around way too long. All for one day in February.

As a military spouse, this day can be pretty frustrating. If your spouse is deployed, if your boyfriend is away at basic, if your service member is off training somewhere, you kinda just want to skip the whole thing.

At the same time, you wouldn’t mind getting some flowers, eating some conversation hearts, and even doing something special for your kids.

It’s just another milspouse Valentine’s day, and your emotions are all over the place.

Should you send your spouse a Valentine’s Day care package? Should you host a Galentine’s Day party instead? What if you just don’t want anything to do with the day?

The good news is, you can do what you want, and make Valentine’s Day what you want. You can do what works for you and your family and you don’t have to feel guilty about it.

So, for a milspouse Valentine’s Day, you can:

Go all out

For some, Valentine’s day is all about the red, the pink, and the glitter. If this is you, send a fun Valentine’s Day care package. If your spouse is home, plan for a nice homecooked dinner or make reservations at a local restaurant.

Find a fun present your spouse or partner will love and do what you can to make them feel special. Decorate your home, and get all the candy hearts. There are so many ideas on Pinterest, from making yummy treats, to creating some amazing homemade Valentines.

Celebrate with friends

Galentine’s Day is February 13th, but that doesn’t mean you can’t actually celebrate with friends on the 14th. Maybe everyone’s spouse is deployed and you want to plan a special potluck. Maybe you just want to get together for lunch to enjoy your friendship.

Celebrating friendship is a fun way to celebrate Valentine’s Day. Especially in the milspouse world when our sweethearts are across the ocean. Have fun with it and turn Valentine’s Day into a today for friends.

Celebrate with your kids

Kids always love a good celebration. Bake some Valentine’s Day cookies, put together a fun basket, or just enjoy the night with fun heart-shaped foods.

Help your kids make valentines with your kids for their class. Sometimes this means finding a fun idea on Pinterest and other times adding a couple of candy hearts to a Star Wars pack you got at the Commissary. Don’t put any pressure on yourself or your kids to do something you don’t want to do. In the end, kids love all the valentines they get, no matter how long they took to make.

Do nothing at all

Maybe you are just over Valentine’s Day and sick of wondering year after year if your spouse will even be home for the holiday. I know for us there were quite a few years in a row where my husband was gone, either on deployment or training over February 14th. I think one year he might have even left on Valentine’s Day!

You don’t even have to do anything with the day. You don’t have to give anyone a Valentine’s Day card, and you don’t have to put a lot of pressure on yourself to have that perfect holiday. After all, wasn’t Valentine’s Day made up by a card company anyway?

Whatever you decide to do this year, enjoy it. Maybe this year you are just going to ignore this February holiday, knowing that next year you could do something different. Maybe you just want to celebrate with your friends or family. Enjoy! And make sure to go back to Target on February 15th to get your half-priced chocolate 🙂

What All These Years of War Mean to a Military Family

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What All These Years of War Mean to a Military Family

War.

Going to war.

Sending your spouse off to go to war.

War.

It’s a word that military families know well. It is a word that brings up a lot of scary feelings. It is a word that probably feels different based on your experience with it.

As we head into 2020, with news of tensions heating up in Iran, us military families can’t help but think what this means. More war.

Some of us have been doing this for a long time. A very long time.

And all these years of war can weigh on us. Even though we know this is a part of the deal. Even though we know that being a military spouse means deployments to war zones. Even though we know that this was a part of what enlisting meant.

Some military families are getting ready for yet another deployment. And after so many, this may feel quite exhausting. The weight of previous deployments sits on their shoulders. The weight of the last fifteen, sixteen or seventeen years feels like a burden that is sometimes to difficult to bear.

As deployment orders come, military families do what they always do.

At first, there could be tears, maybe many of them. Children don’t always understand and the spouse wonders how they will manage. As deployment orders come, slowly we military spouses accept what is to come with them.

We know that saying goodbye will be difficult, it always is.

We know spending months apart is not going to be a picnic, it never has been. And adding more distance isn’t ideal.

We know that there will be good deployment days and bad deployment days and anything in between.

And as much as we know we can get through another separation, after so many years of war, saying goodbye again is another burden and one we really wish we didn’t have to go through.

For some, there just wasn’t enough time at home.

For others, a deployment comes at the worst possible time. Their spouse will miss so much, just like they have before. Just like they have the last six or seven times.

We could argue if it is right for the same people to go through this over and over again. But then if they didn’t go, who would? We are an all-volunteer military for a reason, a reason that most of us support.

But at some point, we also have to ask, how much is too much?

How many months away is okay? How much more do military families endure? Is there a breaking point?

Would so many leave the service before 20 years if there were not as many deployments? Would the military be stronger if we were not involved in so many years of war? Is there any other way?

My fear and the fear of many is that this could go on for so many more years. During my time as a military spouse, I have seen quite a few changes when it comes to deployments. Things change, they always do.

These days I don’t hear too much about 15-month deployments, but I also know a Navy ship returned after 10 months last week.

Communication is so much easier than it used to be. But due to recent announcements, some will be deployed without the technology they have been used to.

And as much as we might think things are getting better overseas, are they? Will they? Won’t there always be something?

It often seems like when things seem calm, something else happens. When it seems as if the world might be getting better, something else happens in to remind us that there will always be tensions.

We, as military spouses and families want to stay strong. We want to be there for our service members. We want to be the ones back at home holding down the homefront. But what happens when yet another deployment seems a little too much?

All these years of war have been hard on military families. There is no ignoring that. Rates of anxiety and depression have gone up. We need all the extra support we can get. We need help to get through these years, no matter how long they last.

As your service member returns home, there can be even more stressful situations. From PTSD and helping your spouse heal to just the day to day of having your partner back in your home or your daily life. This all adds to the stress military families experience.

Then to do it all over again just a few years, or even months later. Repeat for the rest of your spouse’s career. That is quite a lot to take on to our shoulders. Are already weary shoulders.

I think more than anything it is important for America in general to remember this. It is easy to say the military should do this or do that, but the military is made up of men and women, all with families, all with loved ones back home.

It is important for America to know that military families need support systems.

For our children, in and out of school. For us, for our careers, and for our day-to-day lives.

We need good friends to depend on, good leadership that understands the importance of families, and a listening ear when things get a little too much for us back at home.

Wars will come. We know this. We are aware.

We will try to prepare for the road ahead as much as possible. We will try to figure out the best way to make it through another deployment. We will put on our game face and do what we have to do.

For all the years of war, we have been through and for all the years of war that might be ahead.

If you are new to military life, please check out The Newbie’s Guide to Military Life: Surviving a PCS and More by Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life and Mrs Navy Mama. Your guide for learning about military life.