During a deployment, we milspouses have to do what we can to keep the household running. We struggle to keep things together and often have tear-filled nights as we make our way through the time our spouse has to be away. Then we have our kids.
We worry about them too because they are missing one of their parents. For those of us who grew up in non-military homes, the idea of being away from one parent for so long can be foreign.
How can you help your kids during a deployment? Here are 10 ideas.
1. Give them information
Based on the ages of your kids, explain to your children where your spouse is, what they will do, and anything else you feel comfortable sharing. If your spouse has sent you photos, share those with them. You don’t want to scare your children, but if they can have an idea of where their mom or dad is, that can help.
2. Remind them it is not their fault
Some children might assume that they could have done something to cause their parent to leave. Assure them that this is not the case. That their mom or dad has a job to do, and if they could be home with them, they would be. Assure them that they love them very much and will miss them when they are away.
3. Encourage them to talk
If your children are old enough, encourage them to talk to you about their feelings. Kids can hold things in, but talking about what is going on is important. Some schools, both on base and off, have deployment groups for kids who are going through one. See if your child can join those groups, and let them know you are always there with a listening ear.
4. Talk about your spouse
Talk about your spouse often. Share silly stories and bring up memories that you had together. Have photos around the house and in scrapbooks. For babies, you can put photos near their crib so they can get used to seeing the face of their mom or dad.
5. Have a plan for the difficult days
There are going to be difficult days for any kid. Whether they are acting out or just sad, they will need a pick-me-up. Make plans for those days. Go out for ice cream, see a movie, or take them to a particular park or playground. Find something fun to do that will help them get through the stressful day.
6. Schedule fun activities
Have a Taco Tuesday, and on Fridays, get a pizza and rent a movie. Schedule these fun, regular nights, so your children have things to look forward to each week. Find out what is going on both on and off base in your area. Fill up your calendar and get out and explore.
7. Have them help with care packages
When you are sending a care package, have them help you put everything together. They can color pictures or the box and help you pack everything in. They can also write letters to their mom or dad and let them know they can do so as often as they want to. If they are older, have them make the whole care package themselves. Something special they can send to mom or dad overseas.
8. Have a count up.
With kids, having a countdown can be a bit tricky if things change, but having a count-up can be a lot of fun. You can put pennies in a jar, candy, or whatever it is you want to do to look at how much time you have gone through. On the more challenging days, you can remind them of what you all have been through.
The truth is, different children handle deployments in various ways. Some will show their sadness through tears, others will act out, and some will have a very “this is the way it is” attitude about everything. Remember to talk with your child and base your response on their personality. Seek extra help if you need to, and know that you and your child will get through this time apart.
In January of 2012, we sat in the doctor’s office and heard what we had suspected about our then five-year-old son. After three or four months of testing, meeting with the doctor, and answering questions about him, our son was diagnosed with Asperger’s.
As we were waiting to hear what his diagnosis was, I did my own research and came to the same conclusion. It was the only thing that made any sense. My biggest fear going into that appointment was not that he would tell me what was wrong with my son, it was that he would tell me nothing was wrong because I knew in my heart something was.
Asperger’s. Autism. High-functioning autism. A different type of life. Special needs. ABA. Fits. Misunderstandings. Love.
On April 2nd, World Autism Awareness Day, I wanted to write to my son. He is 19 now, and we have come so far since that day in 2012, but I know that we have a long way to go.
I wrote this letter to him when he was 11, right before we started into the teen years.
To my little boy,
First of all, I have to tell you how much I love you. I still remember the day you were born, right in the middle of your Dad’s deployment. I remember they gave you to me and we had to wait for them to move us to the recovery room. And when it was time to do that, they wheeled us there on the bed, and I felt like a queen in a parade, holding my new bundle.
That day, that night, I had no idea what our journey of mother and son would take us. Would you be like your older brother? Would you be like me? Like your dad?
As you grew, I watched you closely. I was concerned about speech delays, which your brother struggled with. But you didn’t seem to have any issues there. You started talking, and I thought everything was going along the way things should.
Then we moved to Tennessee, and as you grew from a young toddler to a preschooler, my mommy heart started to worry. I began to notice how hard playing with other kids was. Sometimes you destroyed the castles they had built out of blocks. Sometimes you yelled at them. Sometimes you hit. And when we asked you why you told us it was because they were doing it wrong.
I wondered what I was doing wrong as a parent. I wondered what else I should be doing.
Then I told myself all kids could hit at that age. Preschoolers aren’t exactly known for their sharing abilities. I told myself that you were having a difficult time because you had never been to daycare before, that you were just not used to being around so many kids. We had playdates, but I didn’t leave you as often back then.
As you started at a regular preschool, I knew in my heart something wasn’t quite right. I knew you were struggling there. But why? Why were you always getting in trouble? What was going on?
That’s when we decided we needed to figure out what was going on. Your regular doctor didn’t think anything was going on at first, but I pushed. I had to. I needed answers. And then that day in January, we got them.
Asperger’s. That is what you had. That was what you would be dealing with. That is what would make you you.
We started with ABA, and they helped us so very much. You started kindergarten and with that all types of new challenges. You didn’t want to go to school; you didn’t see why you had to be there.
But we worked hard, so hard. The years went by, and as they did, I got to watch you grow. Before, when the bus came to pick you up, you would resist. Now, you run out there on your own.
This isn’t to say we don’t still have challenges, we do. But what once was an everyday struggle, changed to once a week and these days more like a once a month of that type of struggle. As I look back over the years, I know you are going to be okay because we have come so far already.
I know that school is hard for you, but I also know that you can do school. You can get through it, and you can make it work for you.
I know that making friends is hard for you too, but I also see that you want to reach out and that you will find your people too. I know you will.
I am so thankful you and your older brother are best friends. I hope that you can have that with your younger brother someday too. Your brothers will always be there for you, they have your back, and they want the best for you too.
I love seeing you excited and happy about something. Sometimes that is Disneyland, other times it is when you figure out how to get through a video game or when we stop and check out the cats at the pet store.
I know that you have your dad’s sense of humor. Sometimes this is hard to see, through the everyday struggles, but it is there.
I know sometimes life is harder for you than it should be for an 11-year-old.
On those days I wish I could grab you up and take you away from all the hard things life brings. But the truth is, you need to work through them. But as you do, you know you will always have me by your side. I will always be there to listen and to help you get through it, whatever the struggle might be.
I am not sure what life will be like for you as an adult. I am not sure what will be hard for you and what won’t be a challenge anymore. I do know that you will go on and do great things. I know this.
I am so proud of how far you have come. You work hard to make your way in this world, even when you don’t understand it. Even when it doesn’t make any sense to you.
Always remember that your Dad and I love you and will always be there for you. To walk with you through this life, and be there to help when we can.
I was holding him, my young son. Just 13 months old. Everything was about to change for him, for us. His Dad, who had been there since day one, was leaving to join the Army.
I was holding him as we waved goodbye. Holding him as we entered into this new life. And I promised him I would always be there, and we would get through everything together.
I didn’t know at the time that it would take closer to five months to join my husband than the one month we were told. I didn’t know at the time how this transition from a civilian family with normal working hours to a military one in the midst of a season of solo parenting would change me.
I didn’t know what was ahead for him. Or for me. Or for any future children we would have.
Over the years, our family has been through deployments, a couple of PCS moves, and what seems like an endless amount of other types of separations.
As April is the month of the military child, April is a good month to think back about your own military children and how their lives have been shaped by having at least one parent in the military. How some seasons have been easier for them than others. And how you have all grown together over the years.
We hear that military children are resilient, and they are, but that doesn’t mean the road has been easy. There have been tears, and sometimes we don’t know quite how to handle them.
There have also been adventures, so many adventures, from being able to travel the world at a young age, to experiencing other cultures, many that other Americans don’t get to do until they are deep into their adult years.
Military children learn how to make friends, playing with others at the playground, and being able to be the new kid time and time again. From having to say goodbye to a best friend they might not actually remember in the years to come, to being the one who stays behind.
Military children have to go months, sometimes over a year, without one parent in the house. This can be difficult for the children, maybe too young to understand, and for the older ones, who feel the missing parent on a day-to-day basis.
Military children might not feel like there is one place they can call home, or maybe they will, as one duty station draws them in more than any other. As they look back on their childhood, there will be so many homes and experiences to think about.
Whether your children were born into this life, or they joined along with you at a older age, they will be able to watch their parent put on the uniform and serve their country. They might not have chosen this life, but they can embrace it, through their own military life journey.
Each PCS might not get a little easier, each goodbye might just seem harder than the last, but just as we do as military spouses, military children figure out what works best, and find ways to get through each difficult situation.
They will take what they have learned into their adult years, into future careers, and relationships with friends and family. They will have so many memories to share, and friends in all areas of the world. A military life can be overall amazing, and we hope our children understand and can embrace that as we try to do.
What has been your biggest adventure with your own military kids?
National nonprofit Our Military Kids is asking people across the country to act on those three words to honor the bravery and leadership of military kids by sharing their during the Courageous Kids Contest.
Our Military Kids offers support and community to children of National Guard, Reserve, and wounded, ill, or injured post-9/11 veteran parents. They do that by distributing activity grants (more on that in a minute!) and hosting the Courageous Kids Contest.
How to enter
Here’s exactly what you need to know about the contest. The Courageous Kids Contest is an annual event that celebrates kids during the Month of the Military Child. Nominations are open until March 8.
Adults are invited to nominate a child or teen who has demonstrated leadership or role model qualities in their communities, activities, and/or within their families in the past year, while also having a parent who:
Deployed with the National Guard or Reserve in 2025, OR
Received care for a post-9/11, combat-related injury, illness, or wound in 2025
Contest winners are announced in April and receive a cash prize, prizes from GOVX, a certificate, and national recognition.
Applying for activity awards
Let’s talk about Our Military Kids’ activity awards, too. Applications are available year-round for eligible military families. Each child in a family can receive a grant worth up to $300 to help them participate in an activity of their choice—like swimming lessons, indoor drumline, tutoring, or Little League. The grants allow kids to enjoy a passion, gain confidence, create special memories, and build onto their existing support system without an increased strain on family finances.
The impact is huge. In the 22 years of Our Military Kids’ existence, they’ve distributed more than 100,000 activity awards, investing in thousands of military kids. Just like the Courageous Kids Contest, the activity awards have a ripple effect across the military and across thousands of communities all over the country.
Nominate a military child today
National Guard, Reserve, and wounded veteran families can often feel disconnected from the military and civilian communities. The Courageous Kids Contest offers those families and friends share what life is like for their military kids. It also gives a chance for kids to be elevated and celebrated for their accomplishments, sticktoitiveness, and courage in the face of obstacles and challenges.
Don’t miss your chance—take a few minutes to complete the short form to nominate your kiddo at ourmilitarykids.org/contest. If you don’t have an eligible military kid to nominate, please share this article with a friend who does. The Our Military Kids team can’t wait to be inspired by the bravery and leadership of this year’s nominated kids and to share their stories with the world.
Joanna Guldin is a contract communications professional working with Our Military Kids to support the 2026 Courageous Kids Contest. Joanna has worked in the military community for more than a decade with for-profit and non-profit entities. She is the writer behind one Jo, My Gosh! and is the co-founder of PILLAR, a yearly virtual retreat for military spouses and significant others dealing with their partners’ deployment.
Deployment #2, my husband left, and it was just me, my two-year-old, and my four-year-old. A deployment with two toddlers.
If you have ever had a toddler, you know how much work they can be. Toddlers are a handful, even the easy ones. And here I was home with two of them, with my husband too many miles away.
I was a SAHM and didn’t have a spouse coming home at the end of the day. I didn’t have a spouse who could watch the kids for 15 minutes so that I could take a shower. A spouse that could help pick up the house after the kids went to bed. A spouse who I could have adult conversations with after the kids went to bed.
During a deployment, I didn’t have him to be home with the boys so I could go out for a few hours by myself. I didn’t have him to be home when I went out to dinner with my friends. And that part of solo parenting just made life with a toddler a little more complicated.
Whether you are a stay at home mom, with the kids at home during the day, or a working mom, whose kids go to daycare, going through a deployment with toddlers is going to be a challenge.
You will have days that drain you, and days you feel like you got this.
You will have days where you wonder how you will get through, and you will have days when you know that you can. Here are a few things to keep in mind if you are going through a deployment with toddlers:
Find some good friends you can have playdates with. Find people you can vent to about what your kids are doing that is stressing you out. Find people who understand when you are having a bad day and just need something extra to help you smile.
Find fun activities you can do with your kids. See if you receive any free hours at hourly care. Hourly care will be your lifesaver. You can also trade babysitting with friends. Find a way to have some time to yourself, even if you spend it grocery shopping.
Remember, things will not always be this way. You won’t always be the only adult in the house. You won’t be the only one to be able to keep up with the cleaning. You won’t be the only one who is there to take care of the kids.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. This is hard, especially when you are surrounded by other moms solo parenting their kids too. This is when trading things like babysitting or even cooking meals can be a good idea. Get creative and find ways to help one another out.
Don’t feel you like you have to do everything people want you to do. Family will want you to come visit, if you think traveling solo with toddlers is too much, ask if someone can come see you instead. Maybe an after deployment trip with all of you would be better. On the other hand, going home for an extended visit with your kids can allow you to have a bit of a break while your family can help you. Weigh the pros and cons and figure out what will work for you.
Deployments with kids can be difficult, no matter the age. Having a toddler is just simply tiring and being the only parent during that stage can make things more complicated. Find ways to stay busy, connect with other people, and take each day as it comes.
What helps you the most if you are going through a deployment with toddlers? What tips could you offer other moms?
16 years ago, my husband went to a recruiter for the Army reserves. We walked out of the place and said, “Nope, that isn’t going to be an option for us.” One reason was that he would have to drive a few hours to get to his monthly drills. Another reason was that I would have to be a solo parent and I couldn’t imagine it.
Yep, I couldn’t see how I could parent by myself. Doing so didn’t seem possible. I laugh about that now.
Back then I had one little boy who wasn’t even a year old yet. I really didn’t think I could handle solo parenting. It sounded awful. Just being the only parent around for days, weeks, months at a time? How could we even be thinking about that?
Well, as it turned out, we decided that active duty Army was the way to go. He signed his papers and left for Germany. Instant solo parenting!
Over the years I have in fact gone days, weeks, months, and one time over a year as the only parent in the house. Over the years I have learned a lot about myself, my parenting, and about how to be with kids when you are the only one in charge.
1) Some things ARE easier by yourself.
Take middle-of-the-night feedings. My husband was gone when boy #2 was a newborn and when #3 was about two months old. That meant he just wasn’t there during the months that my babies woke up to eat in the middle of the night.
As hard as it was to do that alone, not worrying about waking him up was nice. I didn’t have to be extra quiet as I climbed out of bed. I could turn the light on if need be. It really did make the middle of the night times a little bit easier.
2) Sometimes you can only do what you can do.
When it is just you, when you are tired and lonely and worn down, you look at what is important. You don’t dwell so much on the little silly things. You focus on what needs to get done and do it. That can be freeing in some ways.
3) No butting heads about the little things.
Since you are the solo parent, you don’t tend to ask your spouse about all the little parenting choices you have to make. All the choices are all up to you. You never want to do something your spouse would hate but you also won’t butt heads over something small.
4) More time for yourself. More time to think.
After you put the kids to bed, you can have your me time. This will give you more time to think. To think about what went right, to think about what went wrong and what you can do better the next day.
Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with my husband after the kids go to bed when he is home, but when he isn’t, I take the time to reflect a little more than I do when he is around.
5) You can do more than you think you can.
Going back to 2005, I didn’t think I could handle being a solo parent. When people tell me they couldn’t do military life, I remember that. I remember that I didn’t think I could either. Is it hard? Yep. Do you just want your spouse home when they are away? Yep. Can you make things work if you have to? Yes you can.
Whether your spouse is in the Military or has another job that keeps them away sometimes, solo parenting can be draining. Find some good support systems to help you through. Realize that you will have to let things go and enjoy the time that you do have together. You can get through it, I know that you can.
How Raising a Child On The Autism Spectrum Helps Me As A Military Wife
Raising a child on the autism spectrum has taught me a lot over the years. There are so many lessons to be learned when your child needs a little extra help and a little extra patience. Some of these lessons have helped me as a military wife and through the years of everything that comes with being a military family.
Life doesn’t always look the way you think it should
One of the biggest lessons I have learned by having a child on the autism spectrum is that life doesn’t always look the way you think it will. Your children will surprise you. You will do things differently than you thought you would.
Military life is the same. You can’t really plan what your military journey will be like. You won’t be able to tell when your spouse joins the military how many times they will deploy or how many times you will have to PCS. You will need to adjust your mindset so that you are not frustrated by every little thing that military life brings.
Not everything is going to be “Pinterest” perfect, and that’s okay
There is a certain type of pressure in this social media world to make everything “Pinterest” perfect from our kid’s birthday parties or snacks for their class. With a special needs child, a lot of what you do is simply making it through the day making sure they have what they need.
The same is true with military life. Somedays you have to just make it to the finish line. Others, you might have a little more time, but please remind yourself, not everything has to look like it does on Pinterest.
Don’t sweat the small stuff
As a mom of an autistic kid, I have had to let a lot of things go every day. I have to pick my battles. Not everything is worth a fight. I simply do not have the energy or even the desire for it.
As a military spouse, I also am not going to worry about every little thing. I am going to do my best, make the right choices, and go from there. Trying to worry about everything is going to burn you out.
You need to ask for help
This has been the hardest thing for me to do. Asking for help. I want to do everything by myself. But there have been plenty of people who have helped my son along the way. Without them, I am not sure where we would be.
Being a military spouse, there are of course times when my husband is not home. For the most part, I can handle what comes my way by myself. But sometimes, I do need that extra help. And I shouldn’t be afraid to ask for it.
Good friends are a must
Over the years I have made some pretty amazing friends that have been a good support system for me and my kids. They are understanding of my son’s autism and have helped me through the journey. I am not sure what I would have done without them.
Whether you have special needs kids or not, they are always going to teach you something. You will learn through parenting them, and that will be a good thing. Even if it feels like you are not doing everything right, you can still grow from the process.
Do you have kids on the autism spectrum too? What have they taught you?
I remember feeling so torn during our first deployment. I didn’t want to do this Military life thing anymore. I didn’t want my kids to be without their dad. I didn’t want there to be so many pages of my scrapbook where dad was missing.
I started wondering if military life was worth the cost. Was it worth it for my kids to miss so much? I started wondering if despite my husband’s desire to serve, that our family needed to come first and that he shouldn’t do this anymore.
That missing a child’s birth wasn’t worth it…
That missing their first day of kindergarten wasn’t worth it…
That leaving our kids with a stressed-out mom simply wasn’t fair…
And now all these years later I am still not sure if military life is fair to my children. It might not be. And that is a huge pill to swallow.
I can think about all the benefits of military life. I can think of all the places we have been, all the people we have met, and everything we have learned over the years.
But that doesn’t change the fact that my husband missed almost all of my son’s first year of life. That he will miss things in the future. That we will never get these years back.
Walking away from military life can seem like the right thing to do. To see that ETS date and end the military journey. To ask your spouse to pick another path.
For some, getting out of the military is the right thing to do…
For others, it isn’t that simple.
For some, serving in the military is something they have to do. That the military is a part of them. That the military is in their blood. Walking away isn’t possible.
And for the military spouse of that service member, things can be so complicated. You can’t help but wonder where you stand. You can’t help but wonder why they are okay with all the loss and heartache this life can bring.
But you also know that serving is a part of who they are, and what they have chosen as a career path. You know deep down they ache having to be away from you too. You know that they miss you like you are missing them.
And when you remember that, when you remember that even though they choose the military, they also chose you, things get a little easier.
And from that, you can get through what comes. You can help your children through military life. You can be there, and be patient, and know that your path is okay.
Your military life may look so different from your own upbringing.
Your military life might be the opposite of what your civilian friends do.
But it’s your military life, for good or for bad.
While you might never be able to answer the question of if military life is fair to your kids, you know your kids will be able to make it through the challenges, with you by their side.
You might never be able to get those years back but the memories you make when you are together are priceless.
You might not ever have a “normal” life because you married a service member, but you are committed to still living a good one, however that looks.
Don’t be afraid to seek out help during this life. I have many different blog posts here at Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life on deployments, pcsing, and military life in general.
I have a Facebook group, filled with other military spouses who understand.
Join your FRG, local MOPS group, or find another way to connect with other military spouses that works for you.
Raising children in the military is, of course, going to be challenging, there is no sense in sugar-coating that. You want the best for your children, and when you realize they are missing out, that doesn’t feel like the best.
You might feel guilty about certain parts of this lifestyle, you might wish you could go back and give them something they missed out on, and you might not ever feel 100% about the choice to be a military family.
But in the end, if the love of your life is committed to the military, you can be too. No matter how rocky the road might be.
You can find recourses to help, you can be your children’s steady in a world that doesn’t seem so, and you can take everything one day at a time.
As a mom, you will always do what you can to help your children through life. This doesn’t change just because you are a military family. Every family has challenges, the military life might just be yours.
What are your best tips for raising kids in the military?
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