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Why Kindness Really Matters in the Military Spouse Community

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Why Kindness Really Matters in the Military Spouse Community

After so many years of running a military spouse blog and social media accounts, it still makes my heart hurt when I see people being unkind.

Whether it’s acting like military spouses don’t have the right to their own community or flat-out calling people names when they disagree, it’s heartbreaking to see.

Kindness always matters, and the military community needs it.

Military Life Is Complicated Enough

It goes without saying that military life is complicated. It can be really challenging sometimes, and we as a community sometimes need extra grace and patience as we work through the hard stuff.

Deployments, PCS moves, solo parenting, career changes, loneliness, and uncertainty can already leave military spouses feeling stretched thin. A supportive community can make those seasons easier, while an unkind one can make them feel even harder.

Having to deal with an unkind person along the way? To have to decide if an FRG meeting is worth it because of the drama? To be afraid to reach out to another military spouse? Totally not cool. We can do better.

“Military life is complicated enough. We do not need to make it harder for one another.”

Why Kindness Matters in the Military Spouse Community

The truth is, we don’t know what someone else is going through. We don’t know all of their struggles. We don’t know the pain or stress they might be going through. So kindness matters.

Kindness matters when you are answering a question on Facebook. Remember, anyone can see what you write on a public page. Even your grandma.

Kindness matters in your local community. In your neighborhood. In your daily lives.

Kindness makes the world a better place, and kindness helps the military community be the best version of itself.

Small Acts of Kindness Go a Long Way

Thankfully, I have seen a lot of kindness during my time as a military spouse. From other spouses being there for another spouse who has a child in the hospital to bringing food to another who is feeling a little overwhelmed with military life.

Kindness doesn’t even have to be big. It doesn’t mean you have to change the world for someone. It just means that you look at the other people in your community with grace and work to make it a better place.

Small Ways to Show Kindness to Another Military Spouse

You do not have to do something huge to make military life a little easier for someone else.

  • Check in. A simple text during deployment or another difficult season can mean a lot.
  • Answer questions with grace. Remember that every experienced military spouse was new once.
  • Share helpful resources. If something helped you, pass it along without judgment.
  • Include someone new. Invite the new spouse, neighbor, or parent to join you.
  • Know when not to comment. Sometimes kindness means scrolling past instead of adding something hurtful.

Military Spouses Need Kindness Online, Too

With the state of the world today, kindness matters even more. Be an example. Be the better person. All of that matters.

How to Respond With Kindness on Social Media

Some people thrive on making people online feel bad. People they have never met in real life. And for what? Why tear others down when you could just easily build them up?

Don’t like what someone has to say? That’s okay; you don’t have to agree, but I know you know the right and wrong way to respond.

If you see someone struggling, lend a hand in any way you can. Maybe it is just a smile emoji; maybe it’s letting them know about a resource that worked for you. Maybe it’s simply letting them have their space and not commenting at all.

We are all adults, and there is no reason we should see so much nastiness in our military spouse Facebook or on social media accounts. We are all so much better than that.

We Can Build a Better Military Spouse Community

Being kind, whether online or in person, will make our communities, our countries, and our world a better place.

Do what you can, smile, and show kindness wherever you go. Our military spouse community doesn’t have to stay in the hater zone.

Frequently Asked Questions About the Military Spouse Community

Why does kindness matter in the military spouse community?

Military spouses may already be dealing with deployments, PCS moves, solo parenting, career changes, loneliness, and uncertainty. A kind and supportive community can make those difficult seasons feel less isolating.

How can military spouses be kinder online?

Answer questions patiently, avoid name-calling, remember that there is a real person behind the screen, share useful resources, and consider whether a comment will actually help before posting it.

What are simple ways to support another military spouse?

Check in during hard seasons, bring a meal, invite someone to coffee, share a helpful resource, welcome new spouses, or simply listen without trying to fix everything.

What should I do if a military spouse group feels toxic?

You are allowed to step back, set boundaries, leave unhealthy online spaces, and look for communities where people are supportive and respectful.

How to Break Out of a Boring Military Spouse Routine

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How to Break Out of a Boring Military Spouse Routine

How to Break Out of a Boring Military Spouse Routine

Sometimes military life is pretty exciting! You are days away from a PCS to a great location. Your husband just got home from his deployment. You have great friends and are able to keep busy, and life is great.

Other times, you are going to feel like your life is just one big Groundhog Day. You do the same things over and over again. This is especially true during a deployment and even more so when you have small children who are not in school yet. The days just come and go, and you can get a little bored doing the same things every single day.

How to Get Out of a Military Spouse Rut

So what can you do about that? How can you break out of your boring military spouse routine? Sometimes the answer isn’t a huge life change. You might just need one new thing on the calendar, a different routine, or something that gives you a reason to get out of the house. Start small and see what makes your week feel a little more like yours again.

Try a New Club, Group, or Military Community Event

Find a new club or regular meeting to go to. Have kids? Go to a local moms’ group like MomCo. Love to read? Go to that book club you heard about. There should be something you can go to where you can meet new people and enjoy yourself. See what your local Facebook pages have to offer. Look for events going on in your community. Get yourself out there and make plans to change what you do during the week.

“Sometimes getting out of a rut starts with putting just one new thing on the calendar.”

Add a Daily Walk, Run, or Workout to Your Routine

Make plans to go on a daily walk or run. This will break up your day and will keep you healthier. If you don’t want to run or walk, go to the gym or go for a swim. Working on your fitness is a great way to change things up. Have little kids? Find friends to go on stroller walks with.

Join a Playgroup or Parent Group

If you have kids, join a playgroup. If you don’t like the one you are in, join a different one. Keep taking your kids if they are having fun. You will get to meet other parents and you will have something to keep you busy during the week. If you feel each day is just another chore of getting through the day with your kids, a playgroup can really help with getting out of that dull routine.

Look for a Job or Volunteer Opportunity

If you are really bored with life, it could be time to find a new job. Military spouses can also use SpouseWorks for career coaching, resume help, job-search support, networking, and connections to military-friendly employers. Figure out what you want to do and how many hours you would like to work. Even working a few hours a week can help with your mood. See what works for you and start applying. Having a job is also a great way to meet new people when you PCS. You can also look for volunteer opportunities in your local community.

Feeling Stuck in a Military Spouse Routine?

You do not need to completely reinvent your life to get out of a rut. Sometimes one small change can make your week feel different.

  • Add one thing to your calendar. Try a book club, workout class, playgroup, volunteer shift, or coffee with a friend.
  • Get out of the house. A walk, library visit, new park, or trip to explore your duty station can break up the day.
  • Give yourself something to work toward. A job, class, fitness goal, hobby, or trip can give your routine a little more purpose.
  • Try something more than once. The first meeting or event might feel awkward. Give yourself a chance to settle in.

Go Back to School or Learn Something New

Did you start a college program and want to go back? Maybe now is the time to do so. Look up online degree or training programs as well as what your local colleges might offer. You can take one class or sign up for a full-time schedule.

Look into military spouse scholarships, education benefits, and programs such as the SpouseWorks Scholarship. If your spouse transferred Post-9/11 GI Bill benefits to you, those may also help with education costs. There are a lot of options for paying for school. If you don’t know what you want to study, that is okay; you can take some general ed classes until you are able to figure that out.

Plan a Trip or Explore Somewhere New

Take a trip somewhere. Maybe you can just go camping for a weekend? Maybe you want to finally plan that Disney World trip? Figure out what you can do and make some plans. You might need to take time off work or plan to board the dog, but make the trip happen. Taking yourself out of where you are can help break you out of a boring routine.

Visit Family or Invite Someone to Visit You

Taking a trip home can be very refreshing. You can spend time with your family, go out with friends, and just relax a bit away from your everyday life. Depending on where you live, your home might be a bit warmer than where you are stationed, and getting a break from cold winter weather can be good for your soul. If you can’t visit home, see if someone can visit you, and you can enjoy your time together as you show them your world.

No one needs to stay in a rut. If you feel like you are in one, there is a lot you can do to add more to your daily life. You should also keep in mind that deployments do not last forever, that duty stations do not last forever, and that you can wake up every day ready to make some changes so that your life can be a little more like the way you want your life to be.

What do you do to get out of a boring military spouse routine?

Frequently Asked Questions About Getting Out of a Military Spouse Rut

What can I do when military spouse life feels boring?

Try adding something new to your weekly routine, such as a club, workout, volunteer opportunity, playgroup, job search, class, or local outing. Even one new activity can help break up repetitive days.

How can I stay busy during deployment?

Create a routine that includes things you enjoy, time with friends, exercise, hobbies, outings, volunteering, and something to look forward to each week.

How can military spouses meet new people?

Military spouses can meet people through spouse groups, MomCo, playgroups, book clubs, MWR activities, volunteering, faith communities, neighborhoods, jobs, and local events.

What career or education resources are available to military spouses?

Military spouses can use programs such as SpouseWorks for career coaching, employment support, education guidance, scholarships, and other career resources.

What Can I Say About September 11th That Hasn’t Been Said Before

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What Can I Say About September 11th That Hasn’t Been Said Before?

Every September, as we get closer to the middle of the month, the memories of what happened on September 11th, 2001 come flooding back. I can’t help but think about that entire morning, at least how I experienced it, from the West Coast.

I still remember when I realized something not so normal was going on. I still remember going to class, and how not everyone in the room had heard the news. I still remember how that was all we talked about for the next two weeks of classes, how could we talk about anything else?

I was only dating my husband at the time, and he was in the IRR (The Individual Ready Reserve,) not active duty or even in the National Guard. IRR at that time didn’t mean a whole lot, just going in for appointments every once in a while. It was more of a technicality.

After September 11th, things changed.

I started to wonder if he would be called up and what that would mean. What that would mean for him, for our relationship. Would we rush to get married? Would be break up? I didn’t know.

As the months passed, it seemed clear that he probably wouldn’t be called up after all. Then time passed.

I had no idea that what happened on 9/11 would change our country, our military, our family.

What Can I Say About September 11th That Hasn't Been Said Before

So as I think about what to write this year, I am not sure what else I could say.

I could give you more details about that day, I know some of you were too young to remember.

I could tell you about my kids and what they know about that day, the kids that were born after 9/11.

I could tell you about how different my military spouse experience has been because of what happened that day, what the war on terror meant on a personal level being married to a service member, or about any fears I still have about having to say goodbye to a spouse as they go fight in this new type of war.

I could leave you with some inspiring words about the sacrifices made.

The men and women who lost their lives in the tower, the ones who did in the recovery efforts, or those who did in the following years in Iraq and Afghanistan because of what happened that day.

I could give you a list of movies and television shows and books that talk about 9/11 or have something to do with that day.

But haven’t we all heard this all before? Is any of it new? Is it even worth repeating?

What can I say about September 11th that hasn’t been said before?

What Can I Say About September 11th That Hasn't Been Said Before

What words can I give that will help you through this day? What can I add to the conversation?

I just don’t know.

I do know that we can’t forget what we as a country have been through.

We can’t forget that morning or what happened that day.
 
We have to keep sharing with those that were not there.

I do know that our lives were changed in the smallest and biggest of ways that day.

I do know that in the aftermath of 9/11, communities came together like never before.

It didn’t matter if you didn’t agree on 9/10, on 9/11 you were holding hands in a sanctuary, trying to make sense of everything.

You might have two years old, sitting on your mother’s lap as she had CNN on all day.

You might have been seven years old, wondering what was going on and why so many people were so upset.

 

You might have been twenty years old, sitting in a college class, worrying about your friend who lives in NYC.

You might have been thirty years old, a proud military wife for the last ten years, wonder how this will change everything for you and your family.

What Can I Say About September 11th That Hasn't Been Said Before

Whatever you were doing that day, whatever you remember, if nothing else, 9/11 is a memorial day. One in which we can remember those who have lost their lives, lost their families, or even lost their hope.

Here we are, on the 17th anniversary of the day that changed everything, let’s try to show as much peace, love, and hope to others as we can. For that is quite the opposite of what led to that tragedy almost twenty years ago. And that is what will keep us moving forward as a country, despite the struggles and frustrations we face along the way.

Peace. Love. Remember. 

Military Life is Hard and It’s Okay To Say So

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Military Life is Hard and It's Okay To Say So

Military life is hard, and it’s okay to say so!

When I started my blog in 2009, I did so for a few reasons. I was a bit bored but more than that, I wanted to share what I was going through. I knew I couldn’t be the only military spouse that felt the way that I did. I was at the end of our 2nd deployment, missing my husband, and just waiting for the day he would be home.

One of the first things I noticed when I started getting into blogging was the online military community. Other bloggers and readers who had been through what I had been through and who understood what military life was like. Over the years I have met so many military spouses online that are looking for tips and encouragement to get through their deployment or whatever else military life has thrown at them.

Over the years I have heard some people say that military life isn’t hard or that because life is more difficult for other people, we shouldn’t even talk about what we are going through. They say that we should only speak of the positives of this life. That talking about the negatives isn’t good.

While I agree that if you only talk about the bad, this life is going to be even harder, but I also know that military life is hard and it’s okay to say so.

Military Life is Hard and It's Okay To Say So

Why It’s Okay to Say Military Life Is Hard

Here on my blog and in my online communities, I understand that not everything is going to be easy. I understand that some days are just going to be quite horrible. But you know what? There are a lot of benefits in sharing our stories, in letting others know what we are going through, and talking about when life gets hard.

Being Honest About Military Life Makes You Real

Things changed for us as soon as my husband joined the Army. He was gone, for months. He wasn’t always there like he was before. He had more rules and regulations than he did in civilian life. Everything changed for us. And life got a lot harder.

Military life brings deployments, pcsing every few years, and life changes you would never have thought about before. You might give birth without your husband, they might miss your son’s first day of kindergarten or even high school graduation, and they might not be around when you need them the most.

So when someone talks about how hard military life is, they are being real about their experiences.

Real about the changes this life will bring, real about how difficult some seasons of this life are, and real about what’s going to happen during their spouse’s career.

Being real about military life also means talking about how wonderful living in Germany is, how amazing homecoming will be, and how you would never have met the friends you did had you never become a military spouse.

Whether you are going through a difficult time or having better milspouse moments, being real about your life is a good thing.

Most Military Spouses Know This Life Can Be Hard

Although I am sure there are some who get through the years of military life and don’t even seem to feel the hardships some of us too, this has not been the norm.

Every day I hear from military spouses who have just started a deployment, are in the middle of a deployment, or are struggling through the last few months of a deployment. All of them are looking for ways to make it through, to find friends who know what they are going through, and to figure out the best way to handle their current situation.

At the end of the day, we are all on our own military road. Some roads will be bumpier than others, and that’s okay. Some will have it much harder than you do and some have it easier. That doesn’t change the fact that you are dealing with your own set of challenges that are unique to you and your family.

Sharing Our Struggles Helps Us Support One Another

When we don’t share our struggles, we can’t help one another out. When we stay silent, we don’t know who needs that extra set of hands or who needs a listening ear. When we all act like we have everything together, we can overlook those who are falling behind, and that isn’t a good thing for our military community.

While we don’t want to spend all of our time as a military spouse walking around with a pout on our faces, we can stop and recognize when things are a little too much to handle on our own. We might need to reach out to a friend, to a professional, or change a few things to make our lives a little easier.

A Reminder for the Military Spouse Who Is Struggling

Military life can be hard, and admitting that does not mean you are negative, ungrateful, or failing at this life. It means you are being honest about what you are going through.

  • You are allowed to say this is hard. Deployments, PCS moves, missed milestones, and constant change can take a real toll.
  • You are not the only one struggling. Other military spouses have felt lonely, overwhelmed, tired, and unsure how to keep going.
  • Sharing your story can help someone else. When we are honest, we remind others that they do not have to walk through military life alone.
  • Support matters. Friends, community, counseling, and practical help can make hard seasons feel more manageable.

Military Life is Hard and It's Okay To Say So

Talking About the Hard Parts Reminds Us We Are Not Alone

In the end, sharing our milspouse struggles helps others know they are not alone. When I share about my deployments, I hope that others can take comfort in knowing they are not the only one going through what they are at the moment. When I talk about the deployment ache, I hope that others can say, “Yes! That is exactly how I feel too.”

When you are struggling, knowing you are not alone can go a long way in figuring out how to make life better for yourself. Whether the struggle is deployment, miscarriage, divorce, infertility, the loss of a family member, a sick child or something else.

When you struggle, knowing others have been through what you have been through can help you see there is a way out, that there are things you can do to make life better, and that you don’t have to walk through all of this on your own.

What do you know when you feel you are struggling? Who do you turn to for extra help?

Frequently Asked Questions About Military Life Being Hard

Is it normal to think military life is hard?

Yes, it is normal. Military life can include deployments, PCS moves, missed milestones, solo parenting, uncertainty, loneliness, and constant change. Admitting that it is hard does not mean you are not strong enough for military life.

Why should military spouses talk about the hard parts?

Talking about the hard parts can help military spouses feel less alone. When we share our struggles honestly, other spouses can feel seen, encouraged, and more willing to reach out for support.

Does saying military life is hard mean I am being negative?

No. You can be grateful for the good parts of military life and still admit that some seasons are difficult. Being honest about your experience is different from only focusing on the negative.

Where can military spouses find support?

Military spouses can find support through trusted friends, local military community groups, Military OneSource, counseling resources, deployment support programs, online communities, and other spouses who understand military life.

More on Military life…

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9 Things That Can Hurt a Military Marriage

How Military Spouses Can Chase Their Dreams During Military Life

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How Military Spouses Can Chase Their Dreams During Military Life

One of the hot topics in the military spouse world is how we, as military spouses, can chase our dreams during the craziness of military life. There is always a reason not to move forward, and there always seem to be obstacles in our way. But does it have to be this way?

Here are a few things you can do to still chase your dreams as a military spouse:

Go to School

Going to school is something you can do to further your own career. You can go back to school, and finish a degree you have already started. You can look to get another degree or to start college in the first place. You have a lot of options for what you can do to further your education.

Sit down and think about what you would want to do. Look at the different programs that are out there and figure out what will work for you. Take the first step and look into applying to get started. You will be glad that you did.

Write a Book

Do you know much about a topic you want to share with the world? Are you a fiction writer, ready to start putting your stories down on paper? Maybe now is the time for you to write your book. If nothing else, get your ideas out on paper and see where that leads.

These days, you don’t have to go with a traditional publisher. Many writers self-publish their own Ebooks, and that can be an option for you. Do your research on writing a book and follow your book writing dream.

Start a Business

Military spouses love to start businesses. There are different ways to do this too. You can join a direct sales business and skip some of the steps to get started. You might be a creator and can start to sell your own homemade products. For some, selling advice or career help can be a way to get going on a business.

There are so many options these days, and you are not limited by what is available locally. The whole internet is at your fingertips. Military spouses are rocking it as successful entrepreneurs and that might be the right direction for you too.

Find a new job

Maybe you are a SAHM or maybe you are in a job you are not too excited about. Finding a new job could be the answer. You can find a job that will get you closer to where you want to be in the long term.

How Military Spouses Can Chase Their Dreams During Military Life

For example, if you are good at managing your money, you might consider a career as a financial advisor. First Command explains a bit why in this article.

Don’t get discouraged about finding a job and keep looking until you find something. Sometimes this might mean thinking outside the box. You might not always end up with your dream job, your current duty station could make that impossible, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find something that will work for the current season of your life.

Sign-up for LinkedIn

LinkedIn is more than just a place to search for jobs. LinkedIn is filled with networking opportunities. You never know who you might connect with or what that relationship will lead to.

Volunteer

There are always plenty of volunteer opportunities in your community. Some might be on base or post, and some might be off. If you want to work on a particular career in the future, look at what you can do that is similar or will help you later on. Volunteer work can look excellent on a resume and can fill in gaps if you are unable to find another type of job.

Whatever you decide to do, remember, your dreams are important too. While there could be certain circumstances when you can’t do exactly what you want to do for your career or your future during certain seasons of life, that does not mean this will be the case forever. Don’t be afraid to dream big, know that you can follow your own heart, and figure out how to make things work during your spouse’s military career.

How have you worked on your own career during your time as a military spouse?

What Military Spouse Life, Mental Health, and Solo Parenting Really Look Like

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What Military Spouse Life, Mental Health, and Solo Parenting Really Look Like

It’s been a long time since my husband deployed. He’s been retired for about 2.5 years now, so we haven’t had to deal with any military training in a while. Because of that, and because I run a military spouse blog, it is still on my mind.

I think about the deployments we went through, and why they were challenging to me. Some more than others. I think about how that first deployment was extended and ended up being 15 months total. I think about our last deployment and how it came at the worst possible time in our lives for me to be a solo parent, right after my son’s autism diagnosis.

Part of me wonders how I got through it all. The other wonders what I could have done to make it easier for myself back then. I hate to think about my past with a bunch of “what-ifs,” but I also can’t help but think about those military deployments, seasons of solo parenting, and my own mental health.

I wonder, can anyone really handle being a military spouse? Why did I struggle so much? What does this mean for military spouses and their mental health?

Military Spouse Life Can Put You in Survival Mode

The truth is, military spouse life can and does put military spouses in survival mode. Solo parenting, constant moves, uncertainty. It’s so much to deal with.

Without a strong village, things can fall apart quite fast.

And not everyone handles it the same way. Years of living in survival mode can really hit a person hard. Even with a strong support system.

Solo Parenting During Deployment Is More Than Just Being Busy

Being both mom and dad to children takes a toll. But it is more than just doing everything. It means being the only one who can consistently be there for your kids. It’s about figuring out every aspect of everything your children might need. It’s about not having a partner to take over during the harder times, and help you work through problems you need to deal with.

When my husband deployed for the first time, I had a two-year-old, and I was 25 weeks pregnant with my second child. I had no idea what I was in for. We were in Germany, too many miles away for a quick visit back home.

We somehow got through a 15-month deployment. But not without a lot of tears, and I will wonder to this day what my children missed out on by having their Dad gone that long. I will always wonder what I could have done to make that time easier for myself, and maybe better for my children.

However, I know I did what I could. I made plans with friends all of the time. I had my own hobbies, and I binged-watched a ton of TV before streaming was a thing – thank you to the DVDs at the on-post library.

When Parenting Needs Become More Complicated

When we started our military journey, we had a one-year-old. Over the years, we not only grew our family but also added some diagnoses. Autism, developmental delays, and anxiety. And that made everything a lot more complicated.

What do you do when things do become more complicated? Things you never saw coming.

This is when finding extra support and a good community matters. This is when you need to find your people more than ever. This is when you have to give yourself more grace than you ever have before.

When my parenting needs got more difficult, my husband started deploying. And yes, that complicated things for me. Was this why I struggled so much at times? Was this why solo parenting seemed to hit me harder than it did others? Possibly.

I don’t want to compare hard, but I did have a lot to deal with, and I dealt with most of it with a husband in a war zone.

The Mental Load Military Spouses Carry

As military spouses, we carry a lot. We carry the household, the budget, connecting with our families of origin, the children, the pets, the mortgage, the cars, the broken things, the stressful things, the mundane things. Most of it falls to us, and sometimes that mental load is too much.

We have to find ways to break it up, to delegate, and to organize. We find friends to share some of it with, or to vent with. We try to keep it together for our spouse overseas. But still…we can break down from it all.

And as I look back, I think about how it was all a little too much. And yes, maybe that all comes with the territory of being a military spouse? Maybe it has to be like this for us, “because of the mission,” but still, it is never easy, and acknowledging that might be half the battle.

When Military Spouse Life Feels Like Survival Mode

Deployment, solo parenting, constant change, and complicated parenting seasons can take a real toll on military spouses. It is okay to admit that this life can feel heavy.

  • Survival mode is not failure. Sometimes you are doing the best you can with the support, energy, and information you have.
  • Solo parenting is more than staying busy. It means carrying the routines, decisions, emotions, and hard moments without your partner physically there.
  • Complicated parenting needs can make everything harder. Diagnoses, appointments, school concerns, and daily care can add another layer to deployment stress.
  • Your mental health matters too. You are allowed to need help, support, rest, and care while you are caring for everyone else.

Why “Strong” Isn’t Always the Compliment People Think It Is

We are military spouses; we are strong, right? “Oh Julie, you are so strong!” I have been told that many times over the years. And maybe I am, but maybe it’s because there is no other option.

What was I going to do when my husband was deployed, and I had three little kids at home? It was his job, and they said he had to go. Then again, not everyone can make it through.

Military spouses can and do experience higher rates of anxiety and depression, and those struggles deserve to be taken seriously.

Mental health can be a big issue for military spouses. According to a HealthyWomen article on military spouse mental health, 1 out of 8 military spouses screened positive for a major depressive episode, and 1 out of 6 experienced generalized anxiety. Those rates were nearly double the general population and similar to those of service members after combat.

Maybe we can’t do everything we are required to do. Not without some type of consequence. And not without extra help.

What the Military Community Can Do Better

We have all heard the saying, “If the military wanted you to have a wife, they would have issued you one…” but what should the modern military be doing to accommodate spouses? Mental health struggles are real, so what can really be done to help struggling military spouses while still allowing for the mission? Which, let’s face it, at the end of the day, is what seems to matter the most. Spouse or no spouse.

What can the military community really do to help? When I see some of the hateful things that can come from the community, I wonder what really can be done about that. What can the civilian community around military bases do to help? What can anyone really do?

What causes a military spouse to have a hard time? How does it move from “this is quite annoying” to “I am not sure I can get through the months ahead!” So much to think about!

What I Understand Now That I Didn’t Then

It is so easy to look back on my life and make a list of all the things I did wrong. Maybe I should have done this, maybe I should have done that. But in doing that, I am not being fair to myself.

I was living my life, dealing with stressful situations, and situations I had never experienced before. Sure, I had expectations about military life and solo parenting, but I really had no idea what it would be like until I was going through it.

I can see now, with the benefit of time, that I did the best I could. And I think most military spouses are as well. We take what we are given and try to make the best of it.

Taking Care of Your Mental Health as a Military Spouse

But can the US military sustain this way of life? Are there ways in which they need to “catch up” to a more modern way of doing things?

Over time, more and more spouses don’t want to stay at home as their earlier counterparts did. Military spouses have so many amazing careers now. They don’t want to move as often. They’re also more aware of what they need to do to support their mental health.

Because, really, that is what this all boils down to. Military spouses and their mental health. Military spouses and how they handle the challenges they face. Military spouses and how they can balance the stresses that military life brings.

I don’t know the solution. More resources available to those on post? Better planned-out deployment schedules? Moving every 5 years instead of 2-3? More counselors? Better pay? The list goes on and on.

Military Spouse Mental Health Resources

If you are struggling, you do not have to wait until things feel unbearable to reach out. Military spouses may be able to use Military OneSource counseling, MFLC support, TRICARE mental health care, or local civilian counseling options.

If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988. For the Veterans/Military Crisis Line, call 988 and press 1 or text 838255.

Military OneSource Counseling: https://www.militaryonesource.mil/benefits/confidential-counseling/

Veterans/Military Crisis Line: https://www.militaryonesource.mil/benefits/veterans-crisis-line/

Be part of your community, step out of your comfort zone and make a new friend, be kind to others, and when things get hard, get creative.

There isn’t one simple solution to get through military life, but I strongly believe in trying different things until we figure out what works. If one thing doesn’t, try another.

Military life can be hard, and sometimes it can leave marks long after the deployment is over. It is okay to say that. It is okay to admit that you struggled. It is okay to look back and realize you were doing the best you could with what you were given.

Have the difficult conversations. Ask for help. Use the resources available to you. Find your people. Try one thing, and if that doesn’t work, try something else.

You are not weak because military life felt hard. You are human. And your mental health matters too.

9 Ways To Save Money On A Super Tight Budget

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9 Ways to Stretch Your Budget When Money’s Really Tight

There are many reasons why a military family could be on a tight budget. They could be saving for a PCS, paying off debt, or simply hit by the economy, where everything seems to be going up in price.

There could be times during military life when you need a super tight budget and when you can spend a bit more. Whatever the reasons, there are things you can do to help you save money, not overspend, and be able to stick to your budget.

Here are 9 ideas for saving money on a tight budget:

Cut Down On Eating Out

Eating out will get you. We are a family of five, and sometimes even fast food costs between $50 and $60. Yikes! If you do this too many times a month, it can add up. If you go out to eat, try to find coupons and use your military discount. Look for kids eat free nights, and be smart about what you order. Try to look at eating out as a treat, not an everyday thing.

Use Coupons

If you don’t already coupon, you should. There are many different ways to do so, from clipping the coupons that come in the mail to using an app like Ibotta. You should also do your research about whether the Commissary is truly cheaper than another grocery store in your area. Sometimes it’s not.

Meet friends for coffee

Going out to lunch or dinner with friends can sometimes cost a pretty penny. If you meet for coffee, you can spend a lot less and still have a good time. And if you have kids, look for coffee shops near a playground. We have a few here at Fort Campbell that have been lifesavers for me over the years.

Shop thrift stores

Thrift stores can be fantastic places for finding deals, whether it is clothes that you know your kids are going to grow out of in less than a year or replacement dishes for your kitchen. Some thrift stores have days when specific items are on sale or when they offer certain discounts. Make sure to check to see if you have an on-post thrift store, too.

Find free events

Almost every community will have something free for you to do every weekend. You just have to look for what they are. You can search for events by city, topic, and date on Facebook. If you want to do something fun with your family, look and see what is going on and what you might want to do. You can have a lot of fun at free events and save money by going to them.

Cut Your Bills

Do you have many unnecessary subscriptions? It’s time to audit them and only keep the ones you really want. Check your other bills to see if you can lower them. Even $50-100 a month can make a difference.

Simply Say No

Saying no is powerful. You don’t have to say yes to everything. I know this is hard for some, but if you can say no sometimes, you will save yourself some stress and some money.

If someone invites you and your kids out to a movie and you don’t want to see it, say no. You could invite the friends over for a playdate instead. Don’t feel like you have to say yes to everything, especially when the more you say yes to the more money you will spend.

DIY vs Hiring Someone

If you can do a DIY project instead of hiring someone, do it. There is a lot of advice and ideas out there for learning how to do things around your home. Check out YouTube and Pinterest for ideas.

Use your library

With a good library, you never really have to buy books. You can get paperback and hardback books, as well as Kindle and audiobooks, using apps like the Libby app. Check with your library to see what they offer. In addition to books, your library might have a lot of community events going on such as movie nights, or even classes.

What creative ways have you been able to cut back on your spending and save money when you are on a tighter budget?

To the Seasoned Military Spouse

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the seasoned spouse

The truth is, you might be a seasoned military spouse, you might have advice to offer and you have definitely been there before, but you are also a human being.

You have done this before, deployments aren’t a new thing, and you feel like you have to be strong, for all the new military spouses around you.

But the reality is, after the FRG meeting is over, after you get home and crawl into bed, your heart still worries over this upcoming deployment. You wonder how you will get through another nine months apart. You wonder if this will be the deployment something bad happens, how many times can someone go over there and come back the same?

Just Because You Are a Seasoned Military Spouse…

Even as a seasoned military spouse, you have the right to miss your spouse too.

You have the right to not have all the answers.

You have the right to be the one that needs the shoulder to cry on instead of the other way around.

No Matter How Long You Have Been A Military Spouse

Because no matter how long you have been a military spouse, no matter how long you have lived a military life, you might never be fully prepared for your own emotions during the difficult parts.

As a seasoned spouse, you know that you can’t spend the whole deployment complaining, but it is okay to share with your close friends that you are having a hard time.

As a seasoned spouse, you probably look back on everything you have been through and wonder how you got to where you are today. You remember when you were the brand new spouse, walking onto your very first military installation, unsure of what the future held.

Looking for Deployment Advice?:

19 Solo Parenting Hacks to Use the Next Time Your Spouse Deploys

Sharing Your Personal Story is Important

As a seasoned spouse, you know you can help other military spouses and sharing your personal story can help them more than you might realize.

I know for myself, I have always looked at those who have been doing this longer than I have, and have been able to learn what worked for them, and even what didn’t.

There is this idea that in order to support your military service member you have to appear as an unmovable tower of strength. And maybe you don’t always feel like you are. Maybe you too need some encouragement.

It’s Okay to Ask For Help

So, to the seasoned military spouse, know that you have a lot to offer but you can also be the one asking for help. You can be the one that needs to vent, and you can be the one that just needs a night off from the stress.

The military changes over time and what things were like in 1999 were different than in 2009 and different even more here in 2019.

You might start to feel that what worked for you 10 years ago won’t work again now, and maybe that is true. However, you are resilient and you will find ways to cope, even if this new age of the military.

Be kind to yourself, take breaks when you can, and know that you can get through this too. Learn your strengths and be aware of your weaknesses. Reach out to others for help, and help those around you that might need that little extra support.

Do you consider yourself a seasoned military spouse?

To the Seasoned Military Spouse