Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Military Life

On the Other Side of Service

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It’s been 19 years since my husband re-joined the Army, and we were sent to Germany for four years. 18 years since I joined him, and he was deployed to Iraq for the first time. 10 years since we went from Army active duty to National Guard, and 10 months since he officially retired from the military. And this side of it feels a little bit normal and a little bit weird.

There was a time during his military service when I felt he was never home. There was always a long deployment, a training, or a monthly drill sending him away. He was always going to miss something. Big things like the birth of our second child or little things like a fun event at church. And everything in between.

There Are Huge Spaces in My Scrapbook Where He is Missing

There are huge spaces in my scrapbook where he is simply missing, and at times, it never felt like we would get to the point where we are today. A time when he would never go away. When he would never have to. When the military didn’t have a say. 

It’s been 10 months since his last drill. Last year, during his December drill, a tornado ripped through our city. I will never forget that. 

After 10 years of drill weekends, I developed a bit of a routine. There were lots of movies and TV shows he wouldn’t be interested in, Chinese food, and decluttering sessions. And now all that is over. He is home with us every weekend.

He Was Gone For So Much of My Children’s Younger Years

He was gone for so much of my children’s younger years. Birthdays, first steps, special needs diagnosis, vacations, and day-to-day life. 

But now he is here for all of it. All the big things and the little ones. 

As he retired from the National Guard, we didn’t have to think about where we would move. However, I hope we can eventually find a new place to call home. Since we were not day-to-day Army, that transition wasn’t as encompassing.

There Are Things I Am Getting Used In This New Normal

But beyond him going away for drill and other duties, there are a few other things I am getting used to.

Whenever we planned a trip, either as a family or solo, I always worried that something would come up and make us cancel. Like it did in 2020. Now, I no longer have that worry, and it’s hard to wrap my mind around. 

I sometimes miss being an Army wife and being in that community, but some of that has more to do with working full-time hours and my age. Still, I do feel disconnected from a community that was so much in my life for so many years.

Life Goes On, Seasons Change

But like anything else, life goes on. Seasons change, and things are different from how they used to be. Here, on the other side of military life, we are finding our new normal as husband and wife and family.

The me of 15 years ago dreamed of the day I would no longer have to miss my husband. That I would no longer fear so much for his safety. That I would no longer worry when the next deployment would hit or how I would get through it. And now here we are. On the other side of service. 

Are you a veteran spouse too? What has been the biggest adjustment?

On the other side of service

10 Thoughts That Go Through Your Head During Thanksgiving

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10 Thoughts That Go Through Your Head During Thanksgiving

Raise your hand if you are completely ready for Thanksgiving. Well, you better be, the day is coming up very soon. You probably have a list of 100 things you have to do before the big day, or maybe, you are keeping things rather simple this year. Either way, Thanksgiving weekend can be interesting.

Here are 10 thoughts that might go through your head during Thanksgiving: 

“I hope I don’t forget anything!”

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If you are traveling during Thanksgiving, packing can be stressful! Will you remember everything? What if you forget something important? Is everything charged???

“Please no delays, please no delays, please no delays”

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You know you are traveling on the busiest travel day of the year. You are doing it solo this year, the husband is deployed once again, and you are just praying NOTHING gets delayed because the idea of being stuck in an airport longer than you should is terrifying.

“Crap, I forgot the green beans!”

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It’s Wednesday night, you are about to go to bed, and you remember you FORGOT THE GREEN BEANS! Crap, go to the store and battle the crowds? Or not make green bean casserole?

“Do I remember how to make a turkey?”

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Let’s face it, you only cook a turkey once a year. Do you still remember how to do it? Is it just like riding a bike?

“Maybe we should order a meal?”

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As you crawl out of bed at 6 am to get started with your day of cooking, you wonder if you should have just ordered a meal. Cracker Barrel has a good deal, don’t they?

“What the heck is he going to eat?”

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If you have a picky kid, you know Thanksgiving is always a challenge. Here is a roll kid, have fun not enjoying the best meal of the year.

“Time with family!”

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This could be good, this could be bad. Anytime the whole family gets together there is some kind of drama, but hey, at least we all get to be together, right?

“I really just want to eat”

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Cooking is done, and you just want to gobble up that yummy meal you helped make. Or made by yourself, whatever.

“I’m not doing the dishes!”

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The rule is, if you cooked the turkey, you don’t have to do the dishes. At least in our house 🙂

“Time to put up the tree?”

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“Mom, can we put the tree up? Mom, can we put the tree up? Mom, can we put the tree up?” The Christmas season has arrived, the holidays are in full swing, time to get started on all your Christmas shopping! Have fun!!!

However you are spending Thanksgiving, I hope you have a good one, filled with fun, good food, and family and friends 🙂

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For the Military Spouse Who Can’t Go Home For Christmas

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For the Military Spouse Who Can't Go Home For Christmas

I get commissions for purchases made through some of the links in this post.

When we first got married we decided that we would switch off each holiday. One year we would spend Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas with his. Then the next year we would switch.

This worked well for three years. Then we moved and my husband joined the Army and that schedule went out the window. Among other things that changed when we became a military family.

As a military spouse, you sometimes have to let go of what you thought your life would look like. And that includes how you spend your holidays. One year your spouse might be deployed, and the next you could be PCSing from one part of the country to another. Your plans have to be flexible.

This year, however, we don’t have to feel as alone. This year, during a pandemic, everyone is being told to stay put. Everyone is being told to not travel during the holidays. We aren’t the only ones having to change the way we do things during this time of year.

A little bit of the pressure you might normally feel has been lifted, at least for 2020. Maybe you were dreading the long drive back home, or maybe the cost of airline tickets was hurting your pocketbook.

There are many reasons why going home for Christmas can be hard for military families. But at least this year, staying in your own home is more normal. At least this year, it is a lot more understandable to the civilian world why you would not be traveling around the holidays.

During a normal year, you still might feel like you just want to stay in your own home. Your spouse may be deployed, and the idea of traveling across the country with three kids is just too much. You might have just moved into a new home, and want to set up there instead of leaving everything to spend the holidays in someone else’s home.

Not being able to go home for Christmas can be emotional, no matter the reason. And this year, even more so. But even if that is what you have planned to do, you can still feel a bit disappointed by it.

You might miss the way you always got together with relatives for Christmas Eve. You might miss the last-minute holiday shopping you would do with your sister, or how you would bake Christmas cookies with your grandma and cousins.

If you can’t go home for Christmas this year, know you are not alone. So many families are staying local, and not traveling. So many families are having to pivot and change the way they do the holidays.

The good news is, there are so many things you can do from your very own home. Start some new traditions and enjoy the time you have together. Make the holidays the way you want them to be, after all, you are in your own home, and you can do exactly that.

Are you overseas? Try to incorporate some of the traditions from the country you are in. You can then take them back with you when you move back to the US.

Embrace not having to travel during the busiest travel days of the year. Think about how your children will have memories of waking up in their own beds on Christmas morning. We have been doing this for years, and I LOVE that my kids will have memories of waking up in their own homes and coming downstairs to see the Christmas magic.

You can’t always go home for Christmas and that is okay. You can still have a special Christmas filled with happy memories and moments with your own family. And you might find that being in your own home is exactly where you want to be for the holiday season.

Do you usually go home for Christmas? What will you be doing this year?

When Your Boyfriend Wants to Join the Military

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What You Should Do When Your Boyfriend Wants to Join the Military

So your boyfriend wants to join the military? What will that mean for your relationship?

You two have been dating for a few months, and everything seems good. You are falling for one another hard. But you have plans. You are going to graduate college and then try to find a job in your field. You hope that things keep going well for you and your boyfriend but you waiting to see how it goes. But then, one day, he says he needs to talk to you about something important.

He sits you down and says, “Babe, I think I want to join the military.”

You have been single for a while; then your friend introduces the two of you. You hit it off, and before you know it, you are on date number three. But then, he lets you know that next year he will be joining the Army.

You and your boyfriend just started your senior year; you have been together since you were 15 years old. You want to marry him. As you are figuring out what you will do after high school, he tells you he wants to sign up for the Air Force.

Any of these situations sound familiar? While there are many different ways to become a military spouse, hearing your boyfriend talk about enlisting in the military is the first step to one of them. If this is you, you might be a bit confused, a bit terrified, and a bit unsure of what you should do.

You want to support the man you love, but what does this mean for your future together?

Breathe

The first thing you want to do when your boyfriend tells you he wants to join the military is to take a deep breath. This doesn’t have to mean the end of you two. In fact, joining the military could be a very good thing.

Try not to jump to conclusions quite yet. You need to figure out his plan first. You need some time to think about if this is what you want for your future too.

Find out what his plan is

Talk to your boyfriend about what their plan is. How long do they want to serve for? Do they just want to do so for a few years? Is this going to be a 20-year commitment? When will they leave? Do they know that yet?

Knowing what your boyfriend wants will help you understand what his decision will mean for you. You will be able to plan your future. You will be able to start picturing yourself in his life after he joins. And you need to try to do that to decide if this life is right for you too.

Are you committed? 

This is a difficult question. You might love this man, but you might not want to commit to this life. This happens sometimes, and it isn’t even unique to military relationships. Sometimes a couple can’t make things work because life takes you in different directions.

As his girlfriend, you should take things slow. Are you committed to being in a long-distance relationship with him? Can you be supportive of his decision or will you give him grief about it along the way? If this is what he wants to do for the next 20 years, would you be able to handle life as a military spouse if your relationship later led to marriage?

Take the long road or not

Make sure you two talk about what the decision to join the military means for your relationship. Find out what your boyfriend wants and what he is expecting. Talk about how important it is for you two to stay together through this.

For some, the decision to join the military will be too much, for others joining the military will mean new adventures that they will be able to navigate. If you talk to any military spouse, you will find that almost every single one of them has worried about how they will handle this life. But in the end, they do, because they love and support the person they are married to.

As a girlfriend, you have more choices before you head down the military life road. If you truly don’t think you can commit to this person, don’t. Because really, that is what it comes down to. Can you commit to a deeper relationship with the person you are currently dating? Some people can; some people can’t.

With any relationship, there will be times when you have to compromise. Being with a service member means you will have to do that often. Can you handle that?

What advice would you give to someone whose boyfriend wants to join the military? 

To the Veterans

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To the Veterans

To the veterans who served before our time…in wars, we can only imagine having gone through.

To the veterans who served while life was changing back at home…when they were not even sure what the future would bring.

To the veterans who served even when that meant leaving their loved ones for way too long…unsure of when they would be returning back home.

To the veterans who served when serving wasn’t the popular thing to do…putting on the uniform isn’t easy.

To the veterans who first left for Iraq and Afghanistan, before we even really knew what was going on…and going back time and time again.

To the veterans who joined after 9/11, even though they knew how much the world had changed on that day…and how things would never be the same.

To the veterans who served because their parents, grandparents, or great-grandparents did…and they knew joining the military would always be a part of their future.

To the veterans who are the first in their families to put on a uniform…and they truly are not totally sure what that will mean.

To the veterans who served as the first women in the military, paving the way for future generations…so that today, women in uniform are a regular part of military life.

To the veterans who served, even when serving seemed too hard…some roads to the military can be more complicated than others.

To the veterans who came back home…and will always remember those who didn’t.

To the veterans that get up every day to go to work, not sure if anyone they will see today can truly understand what they have gone through…and hoping that they can find the support they need.

To the veterans who keep serving, even in the smallest of ways…to help future generations.

To the veterans who never thought they would make it home…and to those who did but will never feel the same again.

To the veterans with all the stories, hoping that younger generations can truly understand the sacrifices that were made…and all the stories about the friendships made during our countries battles.

We can never thank any of you enough for what you have gone through and what you have done for our country. One day a year simply isn’t enough. We can learn so much from your years and your wisdom, and America would not be America without you.

Who are the veterans in your life???

10 Tips For a Military Spouse Getting Ready to Go Through This Holiday Season With a Deployed Spouse

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It’s almost November, that means the holiday season is right around the corner. November brings colder weather, sweaters, hot chocolate, lighted fireplaces, and Thanksgiving. December brings Christmas, Hanukkah, New Years, and snowy days.

This time of year is festive and made for families, but what happens when your spouse is deployed? What do you do when Thanksgiving this year is just you and your three-year-old, while your husband is serving overseas? How do you get excited about Christmas when you know the whole day you will be missing the love of your life? How do you get through the holidays when all you want to do is spend your first Christmas together, but you can’t because they are away on the other side of the world?

Here are ten tips for a military spouse getting ready to go through this holiday season with a deployed spouse:

1. Decorate like you normally would

Set up the tree, put out your decorations, and get your home looking like you usually do during this time of year. Just because your spouse is gone, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t decorate. You might even want to buy a few new decorations this season. Keeping your home festive will help with your mood, even if you are missing your spouse.

2. Focus on your daily work

Whether you work outside the home, work from home, or stay at home with the kids, focus on what you have to do each day. Don’t slack off on what you need to be doing. Focusing on your work will keep you busy and allow time to pass.

3. Plan to Facetime

Facetime or Skype as often as you can during this time of year. Even if you only chat for a few minutes. Seeing one another or getting excited about the holidays together can help your mood.

10 Tips For a Military Spouse Getting Ready to Go Through This Holiday Season With a Deployed Spouse

4. Send an amazing holiday package

Put together an amazing holiday care package for your spouse. Include some Christmas treats or anything you know they would love. You can fill a stocking, make baked goods, or just include some of their favorite items to help them celebrate the holidays, even when they are away from home.

5. Volunteer

If you can, spend time volunteering during this time of year. A lot of organizations are in need of helpers this time of year. You could volunteer at a soup kitchen, work to bring gifts to those who can’t afford them, or just be there to step in within your community. Giving back is a way to get the focus off of what you are missing and to help others.

6. Spend it with family

If you can, plan a trip back home. No, it will not be the same since your spouse is deployed but it can still be a fun holiday. Your kids can be around family and see what Christmas was like for your growing up.

10 Tips For a Military Spouse Getting Ready to Go Through This Holiday Season With a Deployed Spouse

7. Spend it with friends

If you can’t go home, find some friends in a similar boat as you are. Make plans to hang out during Thanksgiving or Christmas. You don’t have to spend all of Christmas day together but coming together on that day for a meal or even dessert can be good for all of you.

8. Open presents over Skype

If your spouse is deployed over Christmas or Hanukkah, you can film or Facetime/Skype while you are opening presents. This can be a way to bring in your deployed spouse to the day. One option is to set up your video camera to record the whole thing. This is nice when you have young children and your spouse still wants to see the joy of Christmas as they open their gifts.

9. Let the kids help

Let your kids help you decorate. Have them put the ornaments on the tree or come up with a different holiday theme. If you know they won’t want to eat a traditional meal, do something different. You can do whatever you want to have those special memories with your kids.

10. Celebrate early, or late

As military families, sometimes you will need to celebrate early or late. If they are going to deploy in November or December, celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas early. Do everything you would typically do, but on a different day. That way when the actual holiday rolls around you know that you were able to celebrate together anyway.

Remember, if they are gone this holiday season, they will probably be home the next. Try not to think they are missing a huge part of life. It might feel like they are at the moment, but in the grand scheme of things, it is simply one year.

You can still have a fantastic holiday season, even if you are missing them. What tips do you have for surviving the holiday season without your spouse?

Loneliness: The Military Spouse’s Companion

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So happy to have this guest post by Victoria on loneliness and what you can do about it during military life. Please email me at Julie@soldierswifecrazylife.com and let me know if you would like to write a guest post for Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life too.

Loneliness: The Military Spouse’s Companion

“I’m having trouble fitting in around here.”

“How can I make friends at this new base?”

I see these comments or variations on many military spouse websites. And, of course, the pandemic didn’t help the feeling of loneliness and isolation. If you are a MilSpo, you have felt this at one time or another. You’ve just moved to a new location. You haven’t had time to explore your new community or meet the neighbors, what with unpacking boxes and enrolling the kids in their new school, and getting them settled.

When we moved to Oklahoma in 2009, my adult daughter was concerned because we had been there for a few months, and I wasn’t talking about any new friends yet. I’m uber extroverted, so for me not to be relating stories about all the new friends I’d made by now was disconcerting for her.

The problem was that we only had one car, and we didn’t live on base, so it was harder for me to get around and meet people. I assured her I was okay, and I had a lunch date with a group of women the next day. Life was good, although I was more than ready to get my social life going.

I’m afraid my advice for counteracting loneliness might not sit well with introverts. However, it is necessary if you want to get the most out of your military assignment. 

Get Out: You have to get out of your house and introduce yourself to your neighbors—whether you live on base or post. People are busy, so the days when neighbors stopped by with a plate of cookies are rare, even though their intentions might be good. In Oklahoma, I made the cookies and took them to the neighbors to introduce myself.

Join In: Join, join, join anything that interests you: spouse clubs, chapel groups, the PTA at your children’s school. Anywhere you can find like-minded people. Spouse clubs usually have smaller clubs such as book clubs, Bunko, golf, bowling, Mahjong — just about anything you are interested in doing.

Volunteer: When you help out others, you are helping yourself as well. So many organizations on base can use your help, and I’ve made some of my closest friends through volunteering. Check with your Family Readiness Center for volunteer opportunities on your installation.

Do It: I can hear some of you already saying you are shy and have a tough time putting yourself out there. My response is to say, “too bad. Suck it up and do it anyway.” Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it is necessary to make an effort to find your niche if you want to get the most enjoyment out of your life as a MilSpo. And remember, the more you do it, the easier it gets!

Loneliness: The Military Spouse’s Companion

Victoria Terrinoni is the author of “Where You Go, I Will Go: Lessons From a Military Spouse,” available on Amazon. Her husband, Dave, retired in 2018 after 31 years in the Air Force. They live in central Illinois so that they can spoil two of their four grandchildren. She has a blog about her military life at https://victoriaterrinoni.wordpress.com

6 Things You Should Remember When You Are Struggling With Military Life

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6 Things You Should Remember When You Are Struggling With Military Life

Sometimes, when my husband is gone, or even if he is home, the stress overwhelms me. I find myself in a place I don’t want to be in. There is too much going on, too much to think about, and my emotions are all over the place. I end up in a bit of a funk and feel like I am on the struggle bus.

But…

In those times, there are things I have to tell myself, things I have to remind myself of, and doing so puts me in a much better place. If you have ever felt like you are struggling with military life, you know what I am talking about.

You know that you can’t snap your fingers and have a deployment go away. You know you married a military service member and with that comes military life. But what you really want is to get to a better emotional place.

Here are six things to remember when you are struggling with military life:

Everything changes

No matter what you are going through, remember everything changes. Whether you are going through a deployment, waiting on a PCS, or just struggling through something, things will change, as they always do.

Change can be difficult, you might not want to move, you might not want the deployment to start, but change happens and we just have to go with it, knowing that eventually, things will get to a better place.

Some days I might be feeling down because I simply can’t make a decision on something important. I hate that. But I have to remind myself that time can make things a little more clear. And if it isn’t something I have to decide ASAP, I can give myself time to figure it out.

You have been through hard stuff before

Here’s the deal. You have been through hard stuff before. You have. Maybe you haven’t ever been through a deployment before, maybe this is the first time you have ever moved, but life in general can bring difficult situations, and you have been able to get through those in the past.

Maybe it was messy. Maybe you felt defeated. But you got through to the other side. Remember that.

You will grow through this

We always grow through our struggles, even if we can’t see that at the time. Journaling during your struggles can help, talking with a good trustworthy friend can help, and thinking about how you have changed for the better through it all can help.

And as you grow as a person, you can help others too. You might find yourself in a situation in the future where you can be there for someone going through what you are going through right now. We as humans can help one another out, simply because we have been there before.

Don’t take on other’s stress

One thing you don’t want to do is take on someone else’s stress. People do stress about all types of things and it can be easy to feel overwhelmed by all of that, epecually when you see it all the time on social media.

Try not to take on other people’s stress and focus on what you need to focus on. Think about what is best for you and your family. Don’t worry about things that don’t have to do with your current situation and you will be better for it.

Don’t forget to breathe

I know, easier said than done. But give yourself time to breathe. We say it is best to stay busy during a deployment, and it is. But if you are too busy, you could end up stressing yourself out even more.

Try to find that balance and give yourself a break. If you feel like you are doing too much, you migjt be. It’s okay to take a step back and breathe. You don’t have to say yes to everything. And if being too busy is the reason for your stress, take a step back to find some peace.

Count your blessings

Sometimes we really just have to take a step back and count our blessings. Living without your spouse for months at a time is not an easy thing to do. Having to say goodbye to friends and family all the time can be heartbreaking. Military life isn’t an easy life, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be thankful for the great things that are true about our lives.

Thinking about what we do have can help. Yes, your husband might be deployed for six months, but he does love and care about you and your kids. Yes, you do have to move again but now you have a new state to explore. Yes, military life brings on a lot of stress but you have meet some amazing people to walk through this life with.

There will probably come a time when you do struggle with military life. Things are not adding up the way you want them to. You are feeling frustrated because you can do what you are wanting to do.

And that’s hard.

But, if you are married to a service member, you can’t easily just walk away from military life, and so you need to figure out how to get through these feelings and get to a better place emotionally. And once you find ways to do that, military life will seem a little more manageable and you will feel like you can get through so much of what this life brings.

What do you do when you feel like you are struggling with military life???