Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Military Life

Where Does the Modern Military Spouse Fit In?

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Where Does the Modern Military Spouse Fit In?

My husband joined the military back in 2005. These were heavy Iraq and Afghanistan days. Deployments were long and the breaks between were way too short. This was my intro to military life, and the years following shaped me into who I am today.

I was also a SAHM. Choosing to be home vs working on my career, at least for the first few years. We were stationed in Germany and at the time, I just wanted to be home with my boys. However, it was in that environment where I gave birth to this blog, which has led me to my career as a freelance writer.

This type of job fits in easily with military life. We no longer move, but if we did, if we had to be stationed somewhere else, I could take my career with me, as many of my active duty spouse friends do. So many spouses have made their careers work through military life, working on their own dreams within the crazy that this life brings.

During my early years as a military spouse, I was surrounded by the military pretty much 24/7. I depended on them for everything it seemed. From the schools my son went to, to where I bought groceries, to where I got my mail. We lived and breathed it.

There were FRG meetings, and balls to attend, and military events. So many of the spouses I met along the way were SAHMs or those who worked part-time. This fits in well with the military culture which seems to assume that if a service member is married, their spouse is at home, tending to everything they can’t.

But times change. People change. And I am not sure as many military spouses are choosing to stay home. I am not sure as many military spouses want to give up a career for their service member. If their spouse wants to join the military, they expect to be able to keep their own career path, and I don’t think that is asking too much.

The military needs to figure out how to embrace the modern military spouse. Yes, some spouses will still want to be stay-at-home parents, and that is totally fine, but if a spouse chooses not to be, can their service member still serve? Will they just walk away?

What about the FRG? Run by so many volunteers. How will that structure change with the needs of the modern military? What can be done to take that burden off of the military spouse volunteer and still provide the services that military communities need?

Will the military put money behind any of this? Will they care or just assume that things will always stay the same? Will they just assume that even within the modern military there are enough military spouses to fill in those gaps?

Age is another factor. More people are waiting longer to get married. How does this impact the military community? How will this shape the future of military culture?

I am not sure what needs to be done but taking the spouse’s career path in mind is important. Maybe making the norm of being at one duty station 5 years instead of 3 would be a great start? That would allow the spouse to put down some roots, at least for a time. I just have to believe there is more that can be done.

I know I am not the only one who has thought about the future of the military and the military spouse. There is a lot that needs to be done. There is a lot that needs to change. But the question is, with those who have the power to change things work to do so?

What do you think needs to be changed about the military in general to reflect a more modern military culture???

The Veteran’s Spouse

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“This nation will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave.”

—Elmer Davis

I became a Veteran’s wife the day I got married, although it didn’t mean as much back then. My husband was not Active Duty at that time and the Army was a part of his past. Still, it was in the back of my head.

Fast forward three years later and I became an Army wife as my husband re-enlisted and he started the 2nd part of his Army career. These days, he is a member of the National Guard. He is a Veteran and that makes me a Veteran’s wife.

Veterans Day is always so emotional for me. Not just because of who I am married to but also because of all the other Veterans and their spouses who have come before us. All the men and women who have served and those who stood beside them. Veterans Day is a day to remember them and to thank those that are still with us.

The Veteran’s spouse is not a new role. As long as there have been people who are willing to sign up to join the Military, there have always been spouses who have stood beside them. They stood by as their husbands or wives went off to war.

Whether that meant fighting against another American in the Civil War, going to Europe during the World Wars, staying behind as they headed to Korea or Vietnam, or the “modern” Veteran’s spouse who watched their spouse join up during a time of war and knowing they would most likely be headed over to Iraq and Afghanistan fighting a war that might never really end.

Honor to the soldier and sailor everywhere, who bravely bears his country’s cause. Honor, also, to the citizen who cares for his brother in the field and serves, as he best can, the same cause.”

– Abraham Lincoln

We are strong, we have to be. We have to be there for our spouses. Stand behind them and be their rock. Through peacetime and wartime. Through a PCS or goodbye for a two-week training. Some have had to say goodbye and were not able to say hello again. Their spouse did not return. Some have stood by when they did return but as a different person.

Some have had to walk away from their marriage, some have stayed.

Some have stood by for 20+ years of Active duty life, others only needed to fill that role for a few years before their spouse moved on to a different career.

“It is the soldier, not the reporter, who has given us freedom of the press. It is the soldier, not the poet, who has given us freedom of speech. It is the soldier, not the organizer, who gave us the freedom to demonstrate. It is the soldier who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag.”

–Charles M. Province

Military Spouses are strong not because we are made of something else. We are strong because we have to be. Because history wanted us to fill this role and we decided we could do it.

Being a Veteran’s spouse can mean a lot of different things. It always means that there is a story behind your spouse’s career and time in the Military. We don’t know all of it. We only know what they tell us but we do know there is so much more they could never share.

As a Veteran’s spouse, I belong to a community of people who are doing what I have done. Whether it was in the 1940s and all they got from their soldier was a letter in the mail to those who can video chat every day.

We might all have had different types of experiences but one thing is clear, we are the spouses of those who have signed up to serve their country. We are the ones left behind and the ones they come home to. We are a part of history and we will always be there to help those who come after us.

“The willingness of America’s veterans to sacrifice for our country has earned them our lasting gratitude.”

– Jeff Miller

 

To the Veterans

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To the Veterans

To the veterans who served before our time…in wars, we can only imagine having gone through.

To the veterans who served while life was changing back at home…when they were not even sure what the future would bring.

To the veterans who served even when that meant leaving their loved ones for way too long…unsure of when they would be returning back home.

To the veterans who served when serving wasn’t the popular thing to do…putting on the uniform isn’t easy.

To the veterans who first left for Iraq and Afghanistan, before we even really knew what was going on…and going back time and time again.

To the veterans who joined after 9/11, even though they knew how much the world had changed on that day…and how things would never be the same.

To the veterans who served because their parents, grandparents, or great-grandparents did…and they knew joining the military would always be a part of their future.

To the veterans who are the first in their families to put on a uniform…and they truly are not totally sure what that will mean.

To the veterans who served as the first women in the military, paving the way for future generations…so that today, women in uniform are a regular part of military life.

To the veterans who served, even when serving seemed too hard…some roads to the military can be more complicated than others.

To the veterans who came back home…and will always remember those who didn’t.

To the veterans that get up every day to go to work, not sure if anyone they will see today can truly understand what they have gone through…and hoping that they can find the support they need.

To the veterans who keep serving, even in the smallest of ways…to help future generations.

To the veterans who never thought they would make it home…and to those who did but will never feel the same again.

To the veterans with all the stories, hoping that younger generations can truly understand the sacrifices that were made…and all the stories about the friendships made during our countries battles.

We can never thank any of you enough for what you have gone through and what you have done for our country. One day a year simply isn’t enough. We can learn so much from your years and your wisdom, and America would not be America without you.

Who are the veterans in your life???

To Love a Soldier

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To Love a Soldier

To Love a Soldier

To love a soldier means to stand by him or her as they put on the uniform and commits to serving our country.

To love a soldier means wiping the tears away and promising to love them no matter how many miles away they must go.

To love a soldier means not understanding why things take so long or why things change so much.

To love a soldier means finding others that love soldiers and making friendships that last a lifetime.

To love a soldier means loving a man or women in uniform, wherever their career might take them.

To love a soldier means temporarily fulfilling the role of both mom and dad and being the default parent that your children know will always be with them.

To Love a Soldier

To love a soldier means having to explain to your child why their daddy had to miss another birthday.

To love a soldier means being a part of history as a spouse that stood by while their loved one fought for freedom.

To love a soldier means we have something in common with others that have loved their service member through our countries wars as well as peacetime.

To love a soldier means that we grow stronger as the years go by because we have dealt with realities others have not.

To love a soldier puts the words from our wedding, “in sickness and in health” front and center as we try to understand and help those coming home from war.

To love a soldier means being a military spouse, supporting our spouse and being part of an incredible group of men and women who are doing the same.

I love my soldier and the life we have created together. Through living overseas, multiple deployments and the twists and turns that this military journey has given us.

Whether you love a soldier or a service member of another branch, you know what this life is like. You know how hard this life can be, but you stand by them because you love them and that is the basis for getting through anything military life throws at you.

How long have you been a military spouse?

7 Ways to Celebrate Fall, in GIFs

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7 Ways to Celebrate Fall, in GIFs

Fall is just about here, although at this moment it is 96 degrees outside. Tennessee is being ridiculous this year and summer doesn’t want to go home. At the same time, leaves have started to fall, and you can tell the season is about to change.

Fall is my favorite season, even more so now that we live somewhere with four seasons. I love how the weather changes, and how colorful the leaves are in the fall. The start of autumn takes me out of summer and leads to me a cooler time of year, filled with the holidays, cozy nights, and warm drinks.

Looking for ways how to celebrate fall? Here are 7 of them, in GIFs:

Go to a pumpkin patch…take your kids, take your camera, enjoy the time on the farm and come home with a pumpkin for each of you 🙂

via GIPHY

Admire the leaves…check out all the colors, take a lot of photos, and share with your friends and family that don’t get to experience their amazingness where they live.

via GIPHY

Decorate your home…grab your fall decor, buy a few new items, and get going. Your house will feel like the season is here, even if it is still pretty hot outside (Tennessee, I am looking at you.)

via GIPHY

Bake! Bake! Bake! From Halloween cookies to apple pie, it’s time to bake all the yummy treats. Try a new pumpkin cookie recipe and frost some ghost cookies with your kids.

via GIPHY

Order that pumpkin latte! You know you want to. You know you can’t wait to have the first one of the season. Look, I am not a huge fan of the pumpkin latte but I always enjoy having at least one, to start off the fall season. Plus, this year, the pumpkin cold brew at Starbucks is actually pretty yummy!

via GIPHY

Carve a pumpkin with your kids, if you don’t mind the mess. Or, you can skip the carving and paint your pumpkins, which can be just as fun. Unless you want to roast your own pumpkin seeds. Then you will need to carve them.

via GIPHY

Light some pumpkin candles…or get your pumpkin-scented Scentsy or both! It’s the time of year for all the fall scents. They are the best, from applies to pumpkin to fall nights!

via GIPHY

Hopefully, by the time you read this, it feels like fall where you live too. I am hoping we get our fall weather any day now. So I can break out my sweaters and put my shorts back into my closet 🙂

What is your favorite part of fall???

What To Look For In A Military Spouse BFF

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As a new Army wife, I didn’t know a whole lot about the military lifestyle. Sure, I knew the basics, but standing at our first duty station in Schweinfurt, Germany, I had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. I can remember standing there, watching a group of soldiers going by, and knowing everything had changed for us.

I was lucky though. Within those first months of being an Army wife in Germany, I found friends. I found other spouses who not only knew what military life was like but going through the same thing I was. We were all getting ready for a deployment, the first deployment for many of us, and we knew we could do it together.

I honestly am not sure what I would have done or how I could have gotten through that deployment without my military spouse friends. Although things were not always perfect, and there was drama, of course, there was drama, having people to go through a deployment with helped us all make it through what would turn out to be one of the longest deployments.

Over the years, I have made friends at every step of the way. From my best friend in Germany to my current circle here at Fort Campbell. From military spouse bloggers to some of the amazing people I have met through blogging and social media in all parts of the world.

I know for me, finding friends is the easy part. Finding best friends is not.

Finding best friends takes a lot of work, and yet you can’t force that. You can’t exactly walk up to someone and claim them as your best friend, can you? Best friends just happen sometimes, and even if you like someone else, they might not be the person to fit that role.

So what qualities make up a Military best friend? How do you know they are the one to fit that part of your life?

Here are a few things to think about when you are out there, making new friends: 

That you click

As I look back over my closest friendships, they all have one thing in common. We clicked. Sometimes we click right away. We met, and before we knew it, we were making plans like we had known each other forever.

In other cases, clicking took more time. There isn’t one set way to click with someone else, but once you do, you will know that there is a special friendship forming and that is a good thing.

That your kids get along

It’s hard to find a friend with kids sometimes. Your kids might not get along. You might not get along with their kids. They might not mesh well.

I don’t think all of your friend’s kids have to click with your kids but for a Military spouse BFF, it is an excellent thing to have. You will be spending a lot of time together without your spouses around. You can have sleepovers and go on trips together.

As your kids get older, I think there is more room for friendships that do not involve them, but when your kids are young and tend to always be with you, you tend to come as a full package. A good best friend will be loving towards you and your children.

That you can vent to them

If you have ever been through a deployment, you know that some days you just have to vent. If you can’t do that with someone, it is going to be hard for them to be your buddy during the deployment. You need someone who you can vent to, and that isn’t going to come back with a “suck it up and don’t talk to me about that anymore” type of attitude.

While no one likes it when all someone does is complain about their lives, we all need a safe place to go to let off steam. Whether we are annoyed that our husband can’t seem to put his laundry in the laundry basket or are upset that he is once again going to miss something important, finding friends who let us vent during military life is a good thing.

That you can depend on them

I have a very hard time asking for help, even when I need that help. I want to try to get everything done myself if possible. However, sometimes things happen, and I have to call someone to help me.

Having a best friend to call to help you out and not have it become an awkward situation is a good thing. Whether it is because your child needs to go to the ER, your car breaks down, or you need emergency babysitting help. Knowing you won’t be totally alone when that happens can take a lot of the worry out of a situation.

That you can trust them

The military, especially at the branch level, is a small small world. You will find this to be true when you have been a military spouse for a few years. Your neighbor at Fort Bliss knows your old neighbor from Fort Campbell. You were stationed in Germany with your FRG leader’s best friend. You are reunited with your friend from three duty stations ago, in Italy of all places.

Because of this, it is really important to be able to find people that you can trust. Rumors can get started. Maybe your brother is coming to visit, but all people see is a man coming in and out of your house when your husband is deployed. People are not always honest, and some people do like to start drama. 

When looking for your military spouse best friend, you have to be able to trust them. You don’t want to share your deepest worries to find out that now half of the FRG knows about them. Use caution and be the type of friend you would want to meet yourself.

If all of us can do this, the military spouse world will be a much better place overall.

Making friends is something all Military spouses have to do. There have been times during my husband’s military career where I didn’t feel like I had a good friend circle. And that just made military life a lot harder.

While finding and making those best friends can be difficult at times, working to find them is a good goal. Yes, you might have to put yourself out there more than you are comfortable with. Yes, you might encounter people that just want to be about the drama. Don’t let that stop you. Finding a military spouse best friend will be worth the search.

What do you look for in a military spouse best friend???

14 Tips to Help You Survive Basic Training When Your Spouse Joins the Military

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14 Tips to Help You Survive Basic Training When Your Spouse Joins the Military

My husband went to basic training when I was in high school. I didn’t know him then, and when he did re-join the Army at age 30, he didn’t have to go back and do BCT again. He went straight on to his first duty station.

Having not been with my husband during his time in basic, I don’t have any personal experience with the topic so I asked some military spouses what their top advice would be about surviving basic training as the military spouse.

Basic training, boot camp, BCT, or recruit training is the first step in your spouse’s military career. This will be where they will get in shape, learn how their branch of the military works, and get used to the military culture. It will be very challenging for them and last between 8-12 weeks depending on the branch.

As a spouse, this will be the first time you will be away from one another because of the military, the first time you had to be a solo parent if you have children, and one of the hardest parts of starting military life.

Here are some tips to help you through the basic training period of military life:

1. Write to them

Write to them every day, talk about what you did, encourage them, and remind them how much you love them. Keep things simple and abide by the rules of what you can send. Even before you get an address from them, still write, you can always mail the letters later. Sometimes the letters home are just what they need to find the encouragement to make it through

2. Stay busy

Staying busy is so important. Take classes, go out with friends, read books, take up running, find something fun that keeps you busy. The busier you are, the faster the time will go.

3. Be patient

You are going to need a lot of patience to survive basic training. You will have to wait for them to write to you, you will have to wait for family day, you will have to wait until they graduate. The good news is, waiting is such a part of military life so you can start to develop how you will get through the future times apart that you know the military will bring.

4. Don’t count on a phone call

Don’t rely on getting a phone call. Assuming you won’t get a call and receiving one would be better than hoping for one and never getting it.

5. Keep your phone close

Even though you might not get many calls or might have to wait a long time for them, keep your phone close. You won’t want to miss a call that might come through.

6. Celebrate the little things

Celebrate all the small things that happen while they are gone. Enjoy life, and even the small things are worth being excited about.

7. Be supportive, even when it’s hard

Be as supportive as you can. Some days this might be tough. You might feel like all you want to do is scream and yell that he ever joined the military in the first place. Stay strong and keep encouraging your spouse as much as you can.

8. Send photos

Once you get the okay to send photos, do so. Your spouse will love to see them. If you have children, they will love to see how they are growing and what they have been up to.

9. Make friends with other spouses/girlfriends

See if you can find other spouses or girlfriends who have someone in basic when you do. There might be a Facebook group you can join. Finding someone else who is going through what you are will make this time apart much easier.

10. You are allowed to be sad

You are going to have sad days. Days when you cry, get frustrated, and feel so sad and lonely. This is okay. You just have to power through.

11. Develop you

Use this time to help develop you. Decide what you want to focus on. Is it school? A new job? Start a new hobby and figure out what you can do to help yourself in this military life.

12. Watch YouTube videos from others

There are YouTube videos out there that have been done by those who have gone through basic training. They talk about their experiences and watching these can help you understand what basic is like for your spouse. This is particularly useful since you might not be hearing much about what is going on with your spouse.

13. Remember, the first few weeks are the hardest

The first few weeks are going to be the hardest. You are trying to figure out your new normal and one away from your spouse. Give yourself a break and get through each day.

14. This too shall pass

At some point your spouse will receive orders to their first duty station, then you will start the process for your first PCS. Some people end up overseas right away, and others move to the next state over. While there will be deployments and other training in your future, you will get to live your lives with your spouse again. They will head off to work, come home in the evening and have weekends off. There will be normal days once again.

As a brand new military spouse, you are going to have a lot of worries and questions about this life. At first, certain things will seem overwhelming to you. TRICARE? What’s that? But over time you will learn, and you will be able to figure this military life out.

A Military Spouse For All Seasons

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It’s fall! As I look out the window I can see the colors of the trees. I love how beautiful the fall in Tennessee is. Watching the leaves change is also a reminder of a new season approaching and the old one letting go.

As military spouses, our lives can be broken up into seasons. At first, we are a new spouse, asking all the questions. Then we become more seasoned and find ourselves offering advice.

We go through seasons of deployment, then reintegration, and then deployment once again. Hoping that we can take what we have learned from the past and apply it to the future. Hoping the next deployment is a little easier, even if deployments don’t work that way.

We go through seasons of pcsing. Our spouse gets orders to a new place. We research and learn as much as we can. We prepare and countdown the days. Then moving day arrives and we travel to our new home.

At first, we don’t know where anything is and have to ask for directions to the PX. But time passes and we find our community. We find our place. Knowing that there will be another PCS again in the future.

We go through seasons of “normal” life when our spouse comes home from work just like other spouses do. We spend the weekends together as a family, and life just goes on. But we can’t completely relax because we know things can and will change again in the future.

We find new friends and get to know one another, getting excited about what we have in common. If we are lucky we can spend years together, knowing one day the military will cause us to have to part. But we cherish the time we have together as much as we can because we know how quickly things can change.

As the seasons change, so do our lives. We might live in the south, soaking up the humidity, and swatting away the bugs, and the next year we will be sitting by a fire in Germany, wondering when the snow will actually melt.

The seasons with our kids change as well. That first deployment we might have babies, and by the fifth one, teenagers. No two deployments are the same and this is one of the biggest reasons why. The seasons of our lives have changed and so do our challenges.

As you go through these changes, remember, the bad seasons do not last forever and through them, there are so many lessons for us to learn. During the easier seasons of life, we might be able to reach out and help others on their own military journey.

If you are sick of your duty station, don’t worry, seasons will change and you will be on the move once again.

If you are sick of a deployment, remember, the days do pass and you will be at the end, and into a new season of them being home.

If you are struggling with your kids, struggling with work, or struggling in general, you can find ways to help. You can figure out what you can do to make life a little easier. And you can remember that this is just a season in your life, and things won’t always be this way.

I know this fall season that I love will pass quickly. One day I will look up at the trees and see most of them have lost their colors. I will start needing a jacket everywhere I go, and might even see some snowflakes. This will be a reminder to me that seasons change in the world, just like they do in my military life.

What season are you going through right now?