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Military Life

I Never Planned On Being A Military Spouse

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I Never Planned On Being A Military Spouse

How is your life different than you thought it would be? Did you think you would be a military spouse? Did you ever see this as the way your life was going to go?

Becoming a military spouse wasn’t something I dreamed about or planned for, even after I had met my husband. Being a military spouse wasn’t in my future. Being a military spouse wasn’t a part of the plan.

I got married in 2002 to a man who had already served in the military for a little over 2 years. He was only a few years shy of completing his 8 years of service. He was considered “Inactive Ready Reserve.”  

That basically meant he could be called up but the military wasn’t really a part of his life anymore. When 9/11 happened, I did worry that he would get called up and wondered what it would be like to be a military wife, but by the time we got married that didn’t seem too likely. He was never called up while in the IRR.

I didn’t see myself as a Military Spouse and did not think that was something that would ever happen.

When I married my husband and thought about the future, the military just wasn’t a part of my dreaming. I never thought that I would solo parent for so long. I never thought I would go 11 months without seeing my husband. I never thought that the road we walked down together would lead to where it did.

I had been in long-distance relationships in the past and I didn’t want that in a marriage. I didn’t think that should be a part of a marriage. That was for people who were dating, right? That wasn’t for married couples.

I never thought I would have so much alone time in marriage. I never thought I would have to worry about my husband going to war. I never thought I would have to say goodbye to him and not know when and if he would return to me.

I had a coworker with a boyfriend who was a marine. They got married and then he went overseas. I remember watching her write love letters and I just couldn’t imagine that kind of life.

I had no idea that just three years later, I would be the one to write those love letters to my own husband who was overseas. When I saw her put the letter in the mailbox at work, I never thought that I too would be sending letters to a similar place to the man I was in love with.

Sometimes I wonder if all this sacrifice is worth everything we have gone through.

Sometimes I wonder what our life would have been like had he never joined the military. Sometimes I wonder if we should have picked a different path. Sometimes I just wonder if making this decision was the best thing to do.

There is so much sacrifice involved when it comes to living the military life. From the small things, like a drill weekend, to the big likes, like a long deployment.

When I married my husband, I was not planning this kind of life…but this is the life that I have and all I can do is look at the positives. I have to remember that life hardly ever turns out exactly how you planned it, no matter what you do or what type of job you have.

I have civilian friends doing things they never thought they would. This is just a part of being a human. Your journey is your journey and when you start you never know where the road might go.

No, I never planned on being a military spouse but I will do the best I can as I support my husband through whatever this life brings. Through the many separations. Through the ups and the downs. Through anything military life throws at us.

9 Things to Love About Military Life

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9 Things to Love About Military Life

There are plenty of times I have been frustrated with military life during my years as a military spouse. There is a lot to get frustrated about. However, there are also plenty of things to love about military life too. Here is my list of 9 things to love about military life.

1. Getting to live in a different country

While not every military family gets stationed overseas, there is always that option. We spent four years in Germany, and I am very thankful for that experience. The military will move you to a different country, pay for your belongings and your car, and give you extra money while you are there. If you get the chance to go overseas, do it.

By living in another country, you can open up your world. If you have children, they will get to experience a different culture and make memories they will always have with them. This is an amazing thing for your kids to experience.

2. Traveling places

Whether you are stationed overseas or stationed in the United States, being a military family means you get to see things and travel places you wouldn’t be able to do otherwise. As you meet other military families you will also have people to visit through the years. This can make traveling even more fun.

For some military families, traveling means getting in the car and going on days trips. For others, it means going to Disneyworld once a year. When you are stationed somewhere new, there are so many places to explore. Places you never even thought you would ever go.

3. Making friends from all over

As a military spouse, you will be able to make friends from all over the place. One of my favorite things to ask new people is where they are from. Talking about where you grew up, and the differences between where you and your friend grew up can also be a lot of fun. Not only will you make friends from all over the United States but you will meet them from other countries and doing so makes your life much richer.

9 Things to Love About Military Life

4. The Sisterhood

There is definitely a sisterhood of military spouses if you open yourself up enough to finding it. You all go through the same things and can relate to so many issues. You know what going through a deployment and being apart from your spouse is like. You know what moving every few years is really like, and having to start over somewhere new. You get one another, whether you are a new spouse or been living the military life for 20 years.

5. Strengthening our marriage

Our marriage has become stronger through our deployments and time as a military family. Even though each deployment was so difficult, we got through them, and our marriage grew in some way through each one of them. You learn different ways to communicate and how to be a couple when you can’t see one another every day.

While deployments can bring about so much stress on a marriage, they don’t have to break a marriage either. Going through a deployment is a lot of hard work, but just because you are married to someone in the military, it doesn’t mean your marriage will be doomed.

6. Helping other spouses through deployments

Over the years I have also been able to help other military spouses through deployments. I have been there, I get it. I know what it is like to have to figure out how to be both mom and dad with my kids. I understand how lonely those nights can be or has scary things can get when you know your spouse is working in a dangerous place. I am glad that the past experiences that I struggled through can help others in the future.

7. Homecomings

That first kiss after months and months apart is one of the best things about this life. Homecomings make you feel like you are dating again. You are nervous, you have butterflies in your stomach, and you can’t wait to get your hands on your spouse once again.

Once they leave for a deployment, the countdown to homecoming begins, and you know that all you have to do to make it through is get through the days until that happens. As the date gets closer, you can pick out your cute outfit, make your homecoming signs, and get more and more excited as the day gets closer.

9 Things to Love About Military Life

8. Battle Buddies

Beyond making friends, another thing to love about military life is your battle buddies, the best friends you make along the way, the ones that become family. These people are the ones you spend holidays with, that you trade babysitting with, and share your deepest secrets and fears. Without these friends, military life would be that much more difficult.

When you go through a situation with someone else, you bond in ways you wouldn’t do otherwise. You become closer because you have to. You help one another out in ways you would never have had to if your spouse never left. Military friendship can be so strong and unique sometimes.

9. Independence

Over the years I have been forced to become more independent. Whether it was because I had to handle a hospital visit by myself, a PCS to Germany with an 18 months old, or just had to figure out how to run the house 100% by myself because there was no way my husband could do so. There are so many times we military spouses have to do things by ourselves, but in the end, those things make us more independent.

Sometimes finding the good in military life can be difficult. We can get so hung up on the hardships of this life. But sometimes taking a step back and remembering what we love about military life can help brighten our mood and get us out of our funk. There are truly things to love about military life and remembering them is important.

What do you love about military life?

9 Things to Love About Military Life

6 Smart Tips for Your First Deployment Day

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We learned from the last time and decided to drop my husband off a few hours before he would have to leave. I didn’t want to stick around until the last moment. We hugged, we kissed and took some videos. Knowing full well that our boys would be that much older when he would see them again. Knowing that we would both grow and change as people, on our own and thousands of miles away from each other.

One last hug, one last kiss. I put the boys in the car, I turned to the back seat and told them, “We got this. We totally got this.” And then, I drove away, leaving my husband in the background, knowing that this deployment would be another challenging period of time our family would have to endure.

The day you drop off your spouse will stay with you for the rest of your life. The last hug, the last kiss, the last touch, the goodbye, watching them walk away from you. Watching them disappear not knowing when you will see them again or what life will be like when you do.

What can you do on this deployment day? How can you get through it?

Plan the rest of the day

Make sure you have plans for after you say goodbye. Go to dinner with friends, order take out and have a movie night, go for a long walk or even do something normal like go grocery shopping. If you need to, go home and cry. That’s okay too. Just know that the first day is going to be a shock to your system. It’s not going to seem real and getting through the first part of a deployment is going to take some time.

Find friends

Make a list of friends you can call during your deployment. Who do you want to get together with? Who do you want to spend your time with? Who can you depend on? Start making plans with them and have a backup plan in case of emergencies. If you don’t have any friends where you live, make plans to find some. Go to local groups, attend FRG meetings and try to get out and be social, at least every few days. If you have a long-distance friend you can count on, give them all call and let them know the deployment has started. They can be there for you too.

Fill your calendar

You should have a rough idea about how long the deployment is going to be. Know that the dates can change, and by quite a few months sometimes too. However, if you can plan out the months they will be gone, you will feel better about the time they are away. Plan a trip, sign up for a class, start a new hobby and connect with your community. Find out about local events and sign up for any group that looks interesting to you.

Make goals

The first day they are gone is a good time to make your deployment goals if you haven’t already. What do you want to accomplish? What do you want to work on? Do you want to become a reader? Repaint your home? Go back to school? Having these goals to work through will help you stay busy and accomplish things when your spouse is deployed.

You can cry

Some of us cry more than others. That’s okay. It might be the smallest of things that cause the water works to come. That’s okay too. You will probably want to cry a lot that first day and into the next. That is okay and normal. Crying is our bodies way of getting out the sadness and most of the time, the day after a good cry is a much better deployment day.

Buy your favorite meal

Treat yourself to your favorite meal. Make something ahead of time, order food to go or even take yourself out to eat. Having a nice meal on your more difficult days can be a good way to get through them. Since the first day they are gone is going to be the most difficult, having something good to eat will be comforting to you. Figure this out ahead of time so you have a plan when you drop them off.

Remember that not every deployment day is going to be as hard as that first day was. Some days will be good, others will take you down but remember, deployments do not last forever and somehow you will get through. Whether the deployment is just a few weeks, a few months or over a year, you will have a homecoming date to look forward to.

If your spouse just left for a deployment, you can use my Guide to the First 30 days of a deployment by signing up for my mailing list!

The Joys of the Modern Military Spouse Life

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The Joys of the Modern Military Spouse Life

Thank goodness for grocery delivery. It’s a blessing! Not only for myself but for all the parents with small children, going through a deployment, who loathe having to take their kids to the grocery store with them.

I have been there so many times. Put the baby in my baby carrier, put a toddler in the cart, hoping they won’t open anything, and make your older child walk beside you. Going to a grocery store with all your kids is a big chore. And it isn’t very fun.

But, thanks to modern life, you no longer have to if you don’t want to. Your spouse can be deployed for a year and you might never have to attempt the grocery store with kids the whole time they are gone.

This got me thinking, what else is different about being a military spouse today, versus in the past? What else has changed to make life a little easier for us? What should we celebrate, even in the midst of hard deployment days?

Communication

Communication has changed so much. Way back in World War II, the only way my grandparents communicated with each other was through letters on paper, sent across the ocean in the mail, only to be delivered weeks later. I have some of these letters and they really are so sweet to read, but just imagining that those letters were it, as far as communication went, is hard to wrap my mind around.

We can get frustrated when we can’t talk to our spouse all the time, but at least we can talk to them, on the phone, in real time. Or we can video chat. Or even send an email.

Even during my time as a military spouse things have changed. During our first two deployments, if my husband called, he called our house phone and would have to leave a message if I wasn’t home. These days, I basically carry him in my pocket if he is away from home.

And amazing as all this communication is, I think when we can’t communicate this way, we can get even more frustrated. We expect to talk every day, text every day, communicate every day, and when we can’t, that can be frustrating.

Try to remember how things used to be and how far we have come, even if you are going a few days without talking to your spouse.

Social Media

Back in the day, you made friends in person. Only in person. If you moved somewhere new, you couldn’t join a community ahead of time online. There was no online.

When I was 16 years old, my dad came home with a free trial of CompuServe. This was my very first experience with the internet. Of being on a computer, and connecting with other, real people, in other parts of the country, and even the world. My mind was blown.

These days, I carry that technology in my pocket. I am closer to some friends I met online than to some of my family members, simply because of social media. If a friend moves away, we can still easily keep in touch, and I talk over text with my best friend all day long.

Social media has really changed everything and there is no turning back. And while there are some issues with social media in general, social media can help me make friends, stay connected with the people I care about and learn more about any subject I am interested in.

Social media is life changing, and for us military spouses, a way to really connect with others, in ways we otherwise might not be able to.

Military Spouse Culture

Military spouse culture has also changed over the years. You no longer have to be a stay at home mom, just because your spouse joined the military. You no longer have to fit in a specific box.

You can figure out ways to work on your own career while your spouse is working on theirs. While there is still so much that can be done, military spouse employment can still be a huge issue, we have come a long way.

In addition to the military spouse employment issues, military spouses are more diverse than they have ever been before. We don’t all fit into the same mold. Not every military spouse is a woman and not every military spouse is married to a man. There is no one way to be a military spouse, all that is required is to love a service member.

We can be nostalgic about the past, sometimes those years can seem so romantic or easier than our modern life, but there is something to the way technology has changed, and the way people are treated, that makes me excited to be a military spouse in today’s world.

Even in the 13 years I have been a military spouse, things have changed. Through the little things, my life has become a little bit easier. And that is something to be excited about.

What is your most favorite modern convenience when it comes to your military spouse life?

When Military Life is New

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When Military Life is New

When military life is new, everything thing seems so strange.

You learn quickly that nothing really makes sense the way you think it should make sense. You learn quickly that patience is going to be needed. You learn quickly that some days are going to get you pretty frustrated and there will be nothing you can do about the situation but wait.

And there will be a lot of waiting…

Waiting on orders. Waiting on people. Waiting for something good to actually happen.

There will be a lot of wondering…

Wondering where you will live. Wondering what a deployment will be like. Wondering if this new life will be as difficult as you think it might be.

As you join this new community, you can’t help but meet new people, from all over the country, even from different parts of the world.

You will make friends with some of them, and some of those friends will turn into family, as you get through deployments and separations together, making memories along the way.

You will learn new skills, and apply them to new situations. You will figure out how to get a house ready for the movers with only two-weeks notice. You will figure out how to pull everything together when at first you didn’t think you could.

When military life is new, you can get pretty worried about deployments.

Before your first one, you might assume that being away from your significant other is too difficult. You might assume that you are not strong enough to get through the time away. But you will find that you are strong enough and that you can do hard things, even things you didn’t think were possible.

There will be homecomings and celebrations. You will sometimes think about how different your life is now, and all the amazing experiences you have gained from it. There will be good days and bad ones.

And as one deployment comes to an end, you will feel the confidence that you can do anything that comes your way. There might be bumps in the road, but you will get creative and figure out how to best go forward.

When military life is new, unknown words can confuse you.

You might not know the MWR from the DFAC, but you will soon figure these military acronyms out. At the same time, after 15 years you might hear phrases and still don’t know what they mean. This is all a part of this life.

You will figure out the right times to go to the Commissary, and how to tip the baggers. You will figure out if the PX is worth shopping at, and what events are worth going to. You will learn about your FRG and decide how much you want to be a part of that.

You will learn about OPSEC and PERSEC and TRICARE. You will figure out what to say and what not to say. What you put out there on social media, especially about a deployment matters.

When military life is new, you will daydream about going off to Europe, Hawaii, and Japan.

You will soon learn that you might end up in Texas, Alabama, and the desert of California. There really are so many different options for a military career. And you don’t always get a say in the matter.

And wherever you PCS to, you will figure out how to bloom where you are stationed, and find the good in a place you might not want to be. You will get to explore places you never thought you would ever go. You will have to leave your comfort zone, but find amazing things when you do.

And when it comes time to leave, to PCS somewhere new, you might not want to go. You might want to stay forever. But you know this isn’t possible and you know it will be time to move on.

When military life is new, you will soon learn how much this military life will surprise you.

From the amazing friends that you will meet!

To the places you will get to go!

To the love you will feel at every homecoming, and all the little moments this life brings.

If you are new to this life, welcome. Being a military spouse can be such a wonderful thing. While some days will be harder than others, know that you have joined an amazing community. Know that you have people to walk this life with, no matter what this life brings.

How long have you been a military spouse?

9 Military Spouse Memes for Your Military Spouse Life

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Whether you are a brand new military spouse, or have been one for a long time, military life can be quite the unique experience. From deployments, to pcsing across the country, you might never know what is just around the corner. Sometimes you have to have a sense of humor about everything military life brings.

9 Military Spouse Memes for Your Military Spouse Life

Here are 9 military spouse memes for your military spouse life:

Military Spouse Memes

I know for myself, when I was feeling sad during a deployment, I would try to picture homecoming and remind myself that the end of the deployment would come and he would be in my arms again.

Military Spouse Memes

What is it with Murphy’s law and deployments? Our last deployment, the AC broke and my kid stuck a rock in his ear, all within the first 24 hours. No fun!

Military Spouse Memes

Some people get PCS orders over a year in advance, some don’t and still don’t know with only a few months to go. Has that ever happened to you?

Military Spouse Memes

It’s true, if you can find good friends at your duty station, your time there will be much better.

Military Spouse Memes

100%! Military spouses want to attend events but if they don’t have anyone to watch their kids, they can’t go. When planning military spouse events, please keep this in mind so more can attend 🙂

Military Spouse Memes

Sometimes during deployments, you have to do what you can do to get through, and pizza might just become your best friend.

If you are new, you might not know what many of these words mean, but don’t worry, you will learn quickly and will become very familiar with military life lingo.

Military Spouse Memes

If you have more than one child, chances are they were all born in different places.

Military Spouse Memes

It can sometimes be hard to be okay with where you are stationed because of factors such as weather if you are not used to it, but you get through those challenges and come out stronger through it all.

Enjoy these military spouse memes and read more about military life here on the blog 🙂

Where Does the Modern Military Spouse Fit In?

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Where Does the Modern Military Spouse Fit In?

My husband joined the military back in 2005. These were heavy Iraq and Afghanistan days. Deployments were long and the breaks between were way too short. This was my intro to military life, and the years following shaped me into who I am today.

I was also a SAHM. Choosing to be home vs working on my career, at least for the first few years. We were stationed in Germany and at the time, I just wanted to be home with my boys. However, it was in that environment where I gave birth to this blog, which has led me to my career as a freelance writer.

This type of job fits in easily with military life. We no longer move, but if we did, if we had to be stationed somewhere else, I could take my career with me, as many of my active duty spouse friends do. So many spouses have made their careers work through military life, working on their own dreams within the crazy that this life brings.

During my early years as a military spouse, I was surrounded by the military pretty much 24/7. I depended on them for everything it seemed. From the schools my son went to, to where I bought groceries, to where I got my mail. We lived and breathed it.

There were FRG meetings, and balls to attend, and military events. So many of the spouses I met along the way were SAHMs or those who worked part-time. This fits in well with the military culture which seems to assume that if a service member is married, their spouse is at home, tending to everything they can’t.

But times change. People change. And I am not sure as many military spouses are choosing to stay home. I am not sure as many military spouses want to give up a career for their service member. If their spouse wants to join the military, they expect to be able to keep their own career path, and I don’t think that is asking too much.

The military needs to figure out how to embrace the modern military spouse. Yes, some spouses will still want to be stay-at-home parents, and that is totally fine, but if a spouse chooses not to be, can their service member still serve? Will they just walk away?

What about the FRG? Run by so many volunteers. How will that structure change with the needs of the modern military? What can be done to take that burden off of the military spouse volunteer and still provide the services that military communities need?

Will the military put money behind any of this? Will they care or just assume that things will always stay the same? Will they just assume that even within the modern military there are enough military spouses to fill in those gaps?

Age is another factor. More people are waiting longer to get married. How does this impact the military community? How will this shape the future of military culture?

I am not sure what needs to be done but taking the spouse’s career path in mind is important. Maybe making the norm of being at one duty station 5 years instead of 3 would be a great start? That would allow the spouse to put down some roots, at least for a time. I just have to believe there is more that can be done.

I know I am not the only one who has thought about the future of the military and the military spouse. There is a lot that needs to be done. There is a lot that needs to change. But the question is, with those who have the power to change things work to do so?

What do you think needs to be changed about the military in general to reflect a more modern military culture???

For the Military Spouse Who Can’t Go Home For Christmas

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For the Military Spouse Who Can't Go Home For Christmas

I get commissions for purchases made through some of the links in this post.

When we first got married we decided that we would switch off each holiday. One year we would spend Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas with his. Then the next year we would switch.

This worked well for three years. Then we moved and my husband joined the Army and that schedule went out the window. Among other things that changed when we became a military family.

As a military spouse, you sometimes have to let go of what you thought your life would look like. And that includes how you spend your holidays. One year your spouse might be deployed, and the next you could be PCSing from one part of the country to another. Your plans have to be flexible.

This year, however, we don’t have to feel as alone. This year, during a pandemic, everyone is being told to stay put. Everyone is being told to not travel during the holidays. We aren’t the only ones having to change the way we do things during this time of year.

A little bit of the pressure you might normally feel has been lifted, at least for 2020. Maybe you were dreading the long drive back home, or maybe the cost of airline tickets was hurting your pocketbook.

There are many reasons why going home for Christmas can be hard for military families. But at least this year, staying in your own home is more normal. At least this year, it is a lot more understandable to the civilian world why you would not be traveling around the holidays.

During a normal year, you still might feel like you just want to stay in your own home. Your spouse may be deployed, and the idea of traveling across the country with three kids is just too much. You might have just moved into a new home, and want to set up there instead of leaving everything to spend the holidays in someone else’s home.

Not being able to go home for Christmas can be emotional, no matter the reason. And this year, even more so. But even if that is what you have planned to do, you can still feel a bit disappointed by it.

You might miss the way you always got together with relatives for Christmas Eve. You might miss the last-minute holiday shopping you would do with your sister, or how you would bake Christmas cookies with your grandma and cousins.

If you can’t go home for Christmas this year, know you are not alone. So many families are staying local, and not traveling. So many families are having to pivot and change the way they do the holidays.

The good news is, there are so many things you can do from your very own home. Start some new traditions and enjoy the time you have together. Make the holidays the way you want them to be, after all, you are in your own home, and you can do exactly that.

Are you overseas? Try to incorporate some of the traditions from the country you are in. You can then take them back with you when you move back to the US.

Embrace not having to travel during the busiest travel days of the year. Think about how your children will have memories of waking up in their own beds on Christmas morning. We have been doing this for years, and I LOVE that my kids will have memories of waking up in their own homes and coming downstairs to see the Christmas magic.

You can’t always go home for Christmas and that is okay. You can still have a special Christmas filled with happy memories and moments with your own family. And you might find that being in your own home is exactly where you want to be for the holiday season.

Do you usually go home for Christmas? What will you be doing this year?