Autism

How Raising a Child On The Autism Spectrum Helps Me As A Military Wife

April 6, 2018 by Julie

How Raising a Child On The Autism Spectrum Helps Me As A Military Wife

Raising a child on the autism spectrum has taught me a lot over the years. There are so many lessons to be learned when your child needs a little extra help and a little extra patience. Some of these lessons have helped me as a military wife and through the years of everything that comes with being a military family.

Life doesn’t always look the way you think it should

One of the biggest lessons I have learned by having a child on the autism spectrum is that life doesn’t always look the way you think life will. Your children will surprise you. You will do things differently than you thought you would.

Military life is the same. You can’t really plan what your military journey will be like. You won’t be able to tell when your husband joins the military, how many times your spouse will deploy or how many times you will PCS. You will have to change your way of thinking so that you are not frustrated by every little thing military life brings.

Not everything is going to be “Pinterest” perfect, and that’s okay

There is a certain type of pressure in this social media world to make everything “Pinterest” perfect from our kid’s birthday parties or snacks for their class. With a special needs child, a lot of what you do is simply making it through the day making sure they have what they need.

The same is true with military life. Somedays you have to just make it to the finish line. Others, you might have a little more time, but please remind yourself, not everything has to look like it does on Pinterest.

Don’t sweat the small stuff

As a mom of an autistic kid, I have had to let a lot of things go every day. I have to pick my battles. Not everything is worth a fight. I simply do not have the energy or even the desire for it.

As a military spouse, I also am not going to worry about every little thing. I am going to do my best, make the right choices, and go from there. Trying to worry about everything is going to burn you out.

You need to ask for help

This has been the hardest thing for me to do. Asking for help. I want to do everything by myself. But there have been plenty of people who have helped my son along the way. Without them, I am not sure where we would be.

Being a military spouse, there are of course times when my husband is not home. For the most part, I can handle what comes my way by myself. But sometimes, I do need that extra help. And I shouldn’t be afraid to ask for it.

Good friends are a must

Over the years I have made some pretty amazing friends that have been a good support system for me and my kids. They are understanding of my son’s autism and have helped me through the journey. I am not sure what I would have done without them.

In the same way, finding good friends has helped me as a military wife. From being other people who get what we go through to being a listening ear. Good friends are a must for so many reasons.

Whether you have special needs kids or not, they are always going to teach you something. You will learn through parenting them, and that will be a good thing. Even if it feels like you are not doing everything right, you can still grow from the process.

Do you have kids on the autism spectrum too? What have they taught you?

A Letter To My Son With Autism On World Autism Awareness Day

April 2, 2018 by Julie 2 Comments

In January of 2012, we sat in the doctor’s office and heard what we had suspected about our then five-year-old son. After three or four months of testing, meeting with the doctor, and answering questions about him, our son was diagnosed with Asperger’s.

As we were waiting to hear what his diagnosis was, I did my own research and came to the same conclusion. It was the only thing that made any sense. My biggest fear going into that appointment was not that he would tell me what was wrong with my son, it was that he would tell me nothing was wrong because I knew in my heart something was.

Asperger’s. Autism. High functioning Autism. A different type of life. Special needs. ABA. Fits. Misunderstandings. Love.

On this day, April 2nd, World Autism Awareness Day, I wanted to write to my son. He is 11 now, and we have come so far since that day in 2012, but I know that we have a long way to go.

To my little boy,

First of all, I have to tell you how much I love you. I still remember the day you were born, right in the middle of your Dad’s deployment. I remember they gave you to me and we had to wait for them to move us to the recovery room. And when it was time to do that, they wheeled us there on the bed, and I felt like a queen in a parade, holding my new bundle.

That day, that night, I had no idea what our journey of mother and son would take us. Would you be like your older brother? Would you be like me? Like your dad?

As you grew, I watched you closely. I was concerned about speech delays, what your brother struggled with. But you didn’t seem to have any issues there. You started talking, and I thought everything was going along the way things should.

Then we moved to Tennessee, and as you grew from a young toddler to a preschooler, my mommy heart started to worry. I began to notice how hard playing with other kids was. Sometimes you destroyed the castles they had built out of blocks. Sometimes you yelled at them. Sometimes you hit. And when we asked you why you told us it was because they were doing it wrong.

I wondered what I was doing wrong as a parent. I wondered what else I should be doing.

Then I told myself all kids could hit at that age. Preschoolers aren’t exactly known for their sharing abilities. I told myself that you were having a difficult time because you had never been to daycare before, that you were just not used to being around so many kids. We had playdates, but I didn’t leave you as often back then.

As you started at a regular preschool, I knew in my heart something wasn’t quite right. I knew you were struggling there. But why? Why were you always getting in trouble? What was going on?

That’s when we decided we needed to figure out what was going on. Your regular doctor didn’t think anything was going on at first, but I pushed. I had to. I needed answers. And then that day in January, we got them.

Asperger’s. That is what you had. That was what you would be dealing with. That is what would make you you.

We started with ABA, and they helped us so very much. You started kindergarten and with that all types of new challenges. You didn’t want to go to school; you didn’t see why you had to be there.

But we worked hard, so hard. The years went by, and as they did, I got to watch you grow. Before, when the bus came to pick you up, you would resist. Now, you run out there on your own.

This isn’t to stay we don’t still have challenges, we do. But what once was an everyday struggle, changed to once a week and these days more like a once a month of that type of struggle. As I look back over the years, I know you are going to be okay because we have come so far already.

I know that school is hard for you, but I also know that you can do school. You can get through it, and you can make it work for you.

I know that making friends is hard for you too, but I also see that you want to reach out and that you will find your people too. I know you will.

I am so thankful you and your older brother are best friends. I hope that you can have that with your younger brother someday too. Your brothers will always be there for you, they have your back, and they want the best for you too.

I love seeing you excited and happy about something. Sometimes that is Disneyland, other times it is when you figure out how to get through a video game or when we stop and check out the cats at the pet store.

I know that you have your dad’s sense of humor. Sometimes this is hard to see, through the everyday struggles, but it is there.

I know sometimes life is harder for you than it should be for an 11-year-old.

On those days I wish I could grab you up and take you away from all the hard things life brings. But the truth is, you need to work through them. But as you do, you know you will always have me by your side. I will always be there to listen and to help you get through it, whatever the struggle might be.

I am not sure what life will be like for you as an adult. I am not sure what will be hard for you and what won’t be a challenge anymore. I do know that you will go on and do great things. I know this.

I am so proud of how far you have come. You work hard to make your way in this world, even when you don’t understand it. Even when it doesn’t make any sense to you.

Always remember that your Dad and I love you and will always be there for you. To walk with you through this life, and be there to help when we can.

Love to you forever,

Mom.

Do you have a child on the autism spectrum too?

To the Military Spouse Whose Child Has Just Been Diagnosed With Autism

February 9, 2018 by Julie

To the Military Spouse Whose Child Has Just Been Diagnosed With Autism

In January of 2012, after a few months of testing, our middle son was diagnosed with Autism. At the time he was given the diagnosis of Asperger’s which they have since stopped doing. If he were diagnosed today, he would have gotten the “high-functioning Autism” diagnosis.

That day we found out what was going on with our son, and how we could help him. My biggest fear when we started the testing and doctor’s appointments was that they would come back and say they couldn’t see anything was wrong. Why? Because I knew something clearly was and I knew getting that diagnosis would help us understand how we could help our son.

At that time in our lives, we were not a stranger to special needs kids.

Our oldest son had been diagnosed with a developmental delay when he was three. We knew about speech and OT and special needs preschool. We were also pretty confident that our son would grow out of his delay, which he has. Autism is a different story.

You don’t grow out of Autism. Autism is something you have for your entire life. But that doesn’t mean that a person diagnosed with Autism can’t learn and grow as a person either. It simply means that Autism will be something they work through for the rest of their lives.

We started ABA with our son right away, and that helped us be able to navigate through our son’s behaviors, set him up for school, and allowed us to get that extra help and support we needed to figure out this new normal for our lives.

Right now our son is 11 and will be starting middle school next fall. This completely freaks me out. I am not sure how things are going to go. We have an excellent team at the elementary school, many of them have worked with our son since he was five years old and started kindergarten. We already have a meeting scheduled at the middle school this spring, and I just have to have faith that everything will work out for him.

As I look back on the last six years or so, I can’t help but think about all we have been through.

And while we were working with our son, figuring out what is best for him, working with ABA and the schools, we were living this crazy military life too. My husband deployed again in 2013, and I think part of the reason that deployed shook me so much was that I knew I would be the solo parent carrying for my son, as well as his brothers. At the time, he was struggling a lot with school, and it was hard enough when my husband was home. This is just one of the many challenges a military spouse is going to have when they have a spouse in the military.

So, to the military spouse whose child has just been diagnosed with autism, I know how scared you might be. For months, maybe even years you may have been wondering what is going on with your son or daughter. You may have had to fight for your doctor to even take you seriously. You might feel lost not knowing how to truly help your child.

And once you receive that diagnosis, you might be worried about how things are going to go in the future.

Everything you thought about parenting a child has been turned on its head. You thought you were getting on a plane to “Italy” and now you are in “Holland” and not sure how to make everything work. This is normal.

Don’t beat yourself up if it takes you or your spouse some time to fully accept the diagnosis. No one walks out of that doctor’s appointment knowing exactly what to do or what the diagnosis even means. That takes some time.

Before your child was diagnosed with autism, you might not have ever heard of the term EFMP (The Exceptional Family Member Program,) but now, that term is going to be a big part of your life when your spouse is in the military. EFMP is the program that is supposed to help your child get the services they need during your time in the military.

EFMP will make sure that you don’t get stationed somewhere without services for children with Autism.

While this can be a bit frustrating at times, especially when it comes to your spouse’s career in the military, EFMP is something you need to keep updated. Any military family who gets orders for an OCONUS location will also have to go through the EFMP screening too.

As you start to become more comfortable with Autism, you will start to notice something. One child with Autism is one child with Autism. It is called the Autism spectrum for a reason. Not everyone with that diagnosis is the same.

While there are traits that kids on the spectrum share, each kid on the spectrum can be different. My son had no issues with speech. While his older brother struggled, that wasn’t one of the things I worried about with him when he was a toddler and young preschooler.

As you tell people about the diagnosis, you might get some interesting responses.

From people who are trying to help to people who are very uneducated about what having a child on the spectrum means. At some point, you might start to feel like everyone has an opinion about what you should do for your child. But here is the thing, you are the parent, you are the one that decides.

You are the one that has to make the choices. You are the one that lives with your son or daughter and any choice you have to make. So don’t be afraid to ignore lousy advice or to tell people you are doing what you think is best even though it is different from what they would do if they were in your shoes.

Find supportive friends and spend more time with them.

Over the years we have had friends that have opened my son and our family into their lives and understand that he struggles with certain things other kids don’t. During deployments, these friends were even more important. I didn’t have another parent in the house to help; their kindness helped me through those times when I didn’t think I could do it anymore.

As a military spouse, you know that sometimes your service member will have to deploy or be away from you for weeks or months at a time. A diagnosis of Autism isn’t going to keep them home. I know how hard this can be and how overwhelmed you can feel.

Look for help. Look for respite. Find good child care providers that can help you.

Go to a church that gets it and wants to help instead of one that simply wants to shame your child. Reach out to family members who may be willing to stay with you for a while. Know that reaching out for extra help isn’t a weakness and will be your best bet in getting through all of this.

Know that you are not the only one with a special needs child in the military. There are so many of us out there, and we all want the same thing. We want to help our children, we want the best for them, and we want to figure out how to do all of that within the military system.