Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Deployment

When You’re the Default Parent as a Military Spouse

by Leave a Comment

When Military Life Makes You the Default Parent

Not many of us woke up one morning wanting to solo parent. When we got married, we may have had daydreams of the typical life. After work, mom and dad sit down at the table with the kids. Asking about homework and the day.

As parents, you would split the bedtime routine. One would make sure teeth were brushed, and the other would tuck them in with a story.

But then military life became a reality, and everything changed. And the reality of solo parenting sets in. You became a default parent in so many different ways.

What It Means to Be the Default Parent as a Military Spouse

The truth is, for every family, civilian or military, there is probably a default parent.

One parent works more than the other. Or one works at home, and the other doesn’t. One travels for work, and the other is always home. But add in military life with its deployments and never-ending training. Time apart can be more the norm than not.

Solo parenting is a huge part of it. And the default parent has way too much on their plates.

It can feel so overwhelming at times. Even with a good plan. You are always “on,” and you have to manage everything.

Sure, sometimes they are home, but for a lot of military families it’s just easier to keep things the way they have been. And to always be the default parent.

Making Parenting Decisions Alone

As the default parent, a military spouse might make most of the parenting decisions. The day-to-day ones and the bigger ones.

My husband was deployed to Iraq when I made the decision to get my son tested because I was worried about his speech. I wasn’t able to have a long conversation about it before I started the process. It was more me updating him on what was going on.

I was with my child every day. I knew what he needed, and I knew the process for getting him help. My husband really didn’t at that time.

When Resentment Starts to Build During Military Life

And while we as military spouses know this is how it is going to go, over time resentment can build.

Why do we have to be in charge all the time?

Why do we have to make all the decisions?

When do we get a break?

What is a military spouse to do when being the default parent is just too much?

When You Are the Default Parent as a Military Spouse

Being the default parent during military life can feel heavy. You may be the one making appointments, handling school decisions, managing routines, calming fears, and keeping everything moving while your spouse is away.

  • You are allowed to feel overwhelmed. Solo parenting is hard, even when you knew military life would include time apart.
  • You do not have to do everything alone. Child care, friends, neighbors, military resources, and community support can all help.
  • Your spouse is still the other parent. When possible, let them back into the parenting loop, even if it looks different during deployment or training.
  • Your needs matter too. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. It is part of keeping your family steady.

Give Yourself Grace

First of all, we as military spouses need to give ourselves grace. We may have wanted this life, but we had no idea what it would look like.

I knew my husband would deploy, and I would be a solo parent; I didn’t know that it would be for over a year when I had a 3-year-old and a new baby.

I knew that there would be times we couldn’t communicate, but I didn’t know what that would mean when my two-month-old was admitted to the hospital.

I knew I would have to do a lot alone, but I didn’t know how much that would bring me down at times and how hard it would be when all I really wanted was another supportive adult helping me with my children.

But I also know that as hard as being the default parent as a military spouse is, there are things to do to make it a little bit easier for ourselves. No, we can’t change everything so that our spouse never has to go away or we never have to solo parent, but we can find ways that work for us.

Find Help, Child Care, and Military Resources

There are resources out there that will help military spouses going through periods of solo parenting. You might be the default parent, but you can ask for help, pay for help, and find resources to make things easier for you.

Check out your local CYS for hourly care options. They might even have something like “Friday Night Out” or special Saturdays where they will watch your kids for you. Some of this could be discounted because of rank or deployed status. Even just putting your child in for a few hours a week can be a great help.

You will want to make sure you are taking advantage of what your post or base, or even local community, has to offer.

Find People and Support

I will always tell a deployed spouse to find their people. Why? Because it will help you so much getting through those challenging solo parent days. From having other parents to get together with to finding babysitters, or just having people to vent to. You need it.

I know it can be hard to find friends sometimes, but if you haven’t already, a season of solo parenting is a good time to do it. And friends don’t have to be military spouses either.

When we lived in Kentucky, and I was solo parenting because my husband was in Germany, a new friend invited a lot of us over to her house for dinner every Tuesday since that was the day her husband worked late. It was great for me, since my husband was gone, but also for her.

There are so many different ways to find that support you need when you are the default parent.

“You may be the default parent, but that does not mean you have to carry everything alone.”

Let Your Spouse Into the Parenting Loop

The challenging part is that since we as military spouses go through so many periods of solo parenting, we might not let our partners in, even when we can. We might just keep things to ourselves or not let them know what is going on.

While sometimes that has to be the case, other times it can be helpful to catch them up when you can. Let them know about any decisions you had to make, and even ask them for their advice if you are able to.

No, they might not be at home right now, but they are still the other parent. And they can help in different ways, even if it isn’t the same as they would have if you were a civilian family.

Take Care of Yourself, Too

The #1 thing to remember as the default parent is to always be taking care of yourself. It’s like the mask on an airplane. Put your own mask on first.

Make time for yourself, even if it’s after the kids go to bed and you stay in your own house. Never feel guilty for having your own hobbies, a job, or a group that your kids are not a part of. Find what works for you. With two special needs kids, it was sometimes difficult to take care of myself, but I had to work to figure it out; I knew it was the healthiest thing to do.

Talk to Someone When It Feels Too Heavy

If you need to, please reach out and talk to someone. It could be a professional, as in a therapist, or maybe just a good friend.

It can be easy to think you are the only one going through what you are going through, but that isn’t true. Even if you choose this life, you can still reach out if it gets to be too hard. Solo parenting is difficult, and military spouses need all the help they can get.

Frequently Asked Questions About Being the Default Parent Military Spouse

Why do military spouses often become the default parent?

Military spouses often become the default parent because deployments, training, field time, duty schedules, and moves can take the service member away from home or make their schedule unpredictable.

How can military spouses handle solo parenting burnout?

Military spouses can handle solo parenting burnout by asking for help, using child care resources when available, finding supportive friends, creating routines, letting go of perfection, and reaching out to a counselor or trusted person when things feel too heavy.

How can I include my spouse in parenting while they are away?

When communication allows, keep your spouse updated on major decisions, ask for their thoughts when possible, share school or medical updates, and let them be part of parenting in the ways they can from a distance.

How to Survive a Deployment Right After Moving Overseas

by Leave a Comment

When Your Spouse Deploys Right After An Overseas PCS

Okay, I hear the panic in your voice. You just moved across the world to an overseas location, maybe Germany, or Japan, or Guam, or somewhere you have never been before, and you don’t know a soul. And to add to that, your spouse deployed soon after. Before you even finished unpacking.

I have been there myself. I moved to Germany with my 18-month-old to join my husband, only to get pregnant and have him deploy for over a year just a few months later. We were still settling in when he left.

When Your Spouse Deploys Right After an Overseas PCS

You just want to cry all day long. You just want to fast-forward time. You just want to get through the months apart, but how are you going to do that?

All your friends are half a world away. You don’t even know what to do for fun in your new home. What in the world to do?

Take a Deep Breath: You Are Not the Only One

First of all, take a deep breath. Remember, you are not the only military spouse who feels this way. So now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s commit to turning this deployment from a survival exercise to a thriving exercise.

Is it going to be easy? No! Are you going to break down sometimes? Yes. But there are things you can do to get through this season of deployment.

When Deployment Starts Right After an Overseas Move

Moving overseas and then saying goodbye to your spouse soon after can feel like too much all at once. You are still learning where the grocery store is, how your new community works, and what life looks like in a place that does not feel like home yet.

  • Start small. You do not have to figure out your whole overseas life in one week.
  • Make a plan. A calendar, a few goals, and things to look forward to can help the days feel less endless.
  • Find your people. Look for spouse groups, local events, neighbors, book clubs, playgroups, or anyone who helps you feel less alone.
  • Explore one step at a time. A short walk, a new café, a USO event, or a photo walk can help your new home feel less overwhelming.

Start With a Simple Deployment Plan

Next, I want you to buy a monthly calendar. I also want you to grab a journal, a pen, and a hot cup of coffee or tea and sit down at your dining room table.

Okay, once you have done that, I want you to take your journal and make a list of all the things you have ever wanted to do, learn, or start. Maybe you wanted to learn how to edit videos and start a YouTube channel. Maybe you wanted to start running. Maybe you want to get back into reading?

Fill Your Calendar With Things to Look Forward To

After you have made your to-do list, you need to start planning. Take out your phone, head to Facebook, and look up events in your area. Join a group for your duty station. Join a group for your new country. And fill up that calendar.

If you like to read, put book releases on there. If you love movies, put those too. Add when your favorite TV shows are coming out. The goal? Have something to look forward to each and every day.

“You can miss your spouse and still build a life in your new home.”

Find Friends at Your New Overseas Duty Station

Now, it’s time to find some friends. You are going to want to go to things that interest you. See what groups they have locally that you can join. That’s where you will start.

You also have neighbors; smile and say hello when you see them. Make conversation.

So now you should have a deployment to-do list, things on your calendar, and a plan for making friends. Now, you need to fill in the gaps.

Explore Your New Home One Small Step at a Time

If you are still looking for things to do, here are some more ideas:

Take a walk around your new duty station, or the areas surrounding it. Go on a photo walk. Try a new food. Sign up for a USO trip or an event. Just go and do one thing a day.

You Can Miss Your Spouse and Still Build a Life Overseas

The truth about deployments is you will miss your spouse, but with a little bit of planning you can find your way through. While you might be tempted to crawl into bed and stay there for months on end, you know that is not the best way through.

Each military spouse has to find what works for them. Whether you work outside the house or are an SAHM. Whether you have a lot going on, or you need to fill up your calendar. Find what works for you and use this time of deployment to grow as a person, work on projects you may not have had time for before, and make some memories for yourself. You will be glad you did.

Frequently Asked Questions About Deployment After an Overseas PCS

What should I do if my spouse deploys right after we move overseas?

Start by giving yourself time to adjust. Then make a simple plan for your deployment season: fill your calendar, find local groups or events, explore your new area slowly, and look for other military spouses who understand what you are going through.

How can I make friends at a new overseas duty station?

Look for duty station Facebook groups, spouse groups, book clubs, playgroups, USO events, local classes, and neighborhood opportunities. You do not have to meet everyone at once. Even one good connection can make deployment feel less lonely.

How can I stay busy during deployment overseas?

Create a deployment bucket list, plan small outings, start a hobby, read more, take walks, explore your new community, sign up for local events, and give yourself something to look forward to each week.

Is it normal to feel overwhelmed after moving overseas as a military spouse?

Yes. Moving overseas is a major transition, and deployment can make that transition feel even harder. Feeling lonely, overwhelmed, or unsure of what to do next does not mean you are failing. It means you are adjusting to a lot at once.

When There is a Natural Disaster and Your Spouse is Deployed

by

What To Do When There is a Natural Disaster and Your Spouse is Deployed

I have been through my share of earthquakes growing up in California. Fortunately, I was never in any danger from any of them.

After moving to the south, I have been through my fair share of tornado warnings, and they have been pretty scary sometimes.

The biggest issue we have dealt with when it came to weather when my husband was deployed was losing power during a storm, for about 37 hours. While we didn’t have any real damage, and USAA replaced all our food, it was a struggle not knowing when the power would come back on, and being on my own with three little kids during the power outage.

Hurricanes, fires, tornadoes, tsunamis, volcanoes, earthquakes, and even massive snowstorms can cause us to panic a little bit, or even more than a bit. We want to feel safe in our homes, but mother nature doesn’t allow us to always feel that way. Mother nature also doesn’t care if our spouse is deployed or not.

Dealing with a natural disaster with a deployed spouse is a bit terrifying, even for the most independent military spouse. You want them right by your side during this time, but they can’t be.

So what can you do when there is a natural disaster and your spouse is deployed?

Don’t panic

What you want to try not to do, is overly panic. I know it can be difficult, natural disasters are scary, especially if you have never been through that type of disaster before. You want to try to stay calm so you can figure out how to prepare yourself and your family.  You want to be able to think with a clear head.

Take warnings seriously

Blowing off a weather warning can sometimes be easy to do. There can be a lot of worry over a storm, and nothing comes of it. However, this isn’t always the case. It is better to be overly prepared than not prepared enough. Take any warnings about your area seriously.

Decide what you are going to do

If you live in an area that can get hurricanes, make sure you talk over with your spouse what you will do if one comes while they are away. What is your game plan? Do you have family or friends you can stay with?

In the case of tornados, make sure you know where your family is supposed to go once the alarms sound. Talk this over with your children, so they are aware of what to do. Practice earthquake drills, and be prepared for whatever type of natural disaster might hit your area.

Emergency kits

Put together your emergency kit, just in case. You might not need it, but it is a good idea to have. Check out Disaster Prep: 8 Things to Have on Hand for an idea of what you need in your kit. Do your research so you have the supplies you need.

Band together

Band together with your neighbors and military spouse friends. If you have a close friend, you might want to hang out together until the storm has passed. See how you can help one another out. You can do things like trade childcare as you each take turns going to the store to prepare your home for the upcoming storm or just be there for one another.

What To Do When There is a Natural Disaster and Your Spouse is Deployed

Follow the news

This is the time to watch the news during a deployment. Follow what is going on, you don’t want to be caught unaware. In our area, under a tornado warning, the news will show when the threat is supposed to hit your area by the minute. Make sure your weather radio always has working batteries and that you always have a way of being notified of a warning even if you are sleeping.

Here are some website and resources about natural disasters to help you:

10 Ways for Military Families to Prep Before Hurricane Florence

Disaster Preparedness 101

Military Family Preparedness

Creating a Family Emergency Plan

How military families should prepare for natural disasters

Steps to Take After a Flood, Fire or Other Natural Disaster

Hurricane Evacuations, Military Entitlements, and Insurance Coverage

Tips To Make Your Home Earthquake Ready

Red Cross- Find An Open Shelter

Sesame Street- Support After An Emergency

Prepare for Wildfire

Tornado Safety Tips

Tornado Warning: 7 Ways to Prepare Yourself

Another Hurricane Is on the Way: Is Your Military Family Prepared?

The MilSpouse’s Guide to Catastrophic Weather

Prepare for a Tsunami

Pets and Animals

Please stay safe if you are in harm’s way. Pay attention, and know you can get through this, as hard as it might seem.
 
 

When You Don’t Feel Strong Enough For Military Life

by

I couldn’t believe he was gone. I couldn’t believe this deployment had started. I couldn’t believe I had to go through this again.

I certainly didn’t feel strong enough for this. I didn’t feel strong enough for the deployment. I didn’t feel strong enough for military life.

And yet, somehow, the days went by. Somehow I made it through that deployment. Somehow I was strong enough to do just that.

Through that deployment, and other past deployments, I realized something powerful.

Not feeling strong enough to get through something doesn’t mean I am not strong enough to do so.

Often times, us military spouses feel like if we are not 100% prepared for any possible situation, if we can’t get through everything military life brings with a smile on our face, if we can’t do a thing without a couple of meltdowns, we are not a good military spouse.

This isn’t true at all!

The truth is, you are not always going to feel as strong as you want to. I certainly don’t. Some days I might feel like I have military life down, and other days? Not so much.

So, if you are not feeling strong enough for military life, you are not alone, and there is nothing wrong with you.

Sometimes military life makes it hard to feel strong.

But what can you do about this? How can you find your inner strength? How can you get to a place where you feel like you can handle what military life is currently throwing at you?

Depend on your friends

I am not sure what I would have done over the years without my friends. They truly got me through, each and every deployment. From helping me stay busy, to being a shoulder to cry on. Depend on your friends, they can help you up when you are feeling down.

Don’t compare

This one is hard for me. When it feels like your husband is always the one who has to go, being happy for others can be more difficult. When it seems like your kids are the ones who have to go without their dad around, life can feel pretty unfair.

The best thing to do is to stop comparing yourself to other spouses, both civilian and military. Some service members deploy more than others. Some civilian spouses will never have to spend more than a weekend away from their spouse. And that is so hard to take.

But we can’t compare and dwell on how unfair everything is. We have to pull ourselves out of that. And if we can do that, we will be able to get to a better place and we won’t struggle with jealousy quite as much.

This too shall pass

If you need to tell yourself, “this too shall pass,” 50 times a day, do it. Reminding yourself that this deployment is a temporary situation is going to go a long way. I can’t tell you how many times I would feel like I was in stuck in a deployment funk, but simply reminding myself that the deployment was temporary helped me feel so much better.

When we are going through a difficult time, feeling like this is how life will always be is way too easy to do, but that isn’t the case. Look at how far you have come, and know you can be strong through the rest of the deployment too.

If you need extra help

If you are going through a deployment and you struggle with anxiety (which I do) or depression, please don’t be afraid to ask for extra help. Your mental health is so important and working on that during a deployment is a must.

What You and Your Spouse Need to Talk About Before They Deploy

by

What You and Your Spouse Need to Talk About Before They Deploy

What You and Your Spouse Need to Talk About Before They Deploy

There are a lot of preparations that need to happen before a service member deploys. He or she will go through a lot of pre-deployment tasks from packing their bags to paperwork within their units. They will have bags ready to go weeks if not months before they leave.

And as time counts down to the start of a deployment, you are working hard to keep things together and to prepare yourself for their departure. As you do this, there are some things you should probably talk about with your spouse before they go. Some of these are difficult to talk about but they need to be done before they leave.

Here is what you and your spouse need to talk about before they deploy:

What you will do

Talk about what you will do during the deployment. Will you go home for the deployment or stay put? If you do go home, when will you leave and how will you get there? Will you go before they deploy or wait until after the deployment starts? Who will you stay with and how will that change how you budget?

If you are going to stay, what will you do with their car? Will you put the car in storage or plan to drive it every so often? Will you visit home while they are gone? Will you visit anyone else? Talk about all of these things, so you two are on the same page about where you will be when they are deployed.

And whatever you decide to do you need to make sure you notify the Command/FRG with your updated address. They need to know this information before you go.

What You and Your Spouse Need to Talk About Before They Deploy

Their wishes

This is the hardest thing you will have to talk about with your spouse before they go. Is their will updated? What do they want to have happen if something does happen to them? Have you talked about where they want to be buried, what they want to have at the service, and any other wishes they might have about this?

You also should talk about your options, where you might go, what would be best or even that you have no idea what you would want to do. Talking about this type of thing is hard. Most military spouses are only in their 20s and 30s, and this isn’t something that generally comes up until later on in life. But as military spouses, who send our loved ones off to war, we need to have these discussions.

POA expectations

Make sure you get a POA (Power of Attorney) before they go. You will need a general one; you might need a limited power of attorney. If you have plans to buy a car while they are gone, you might need to get a limited/special POA for that. Think about what you might need and discuss all of this together.

Communication

How will you communicate? Will they expect a care package every so often? Will you want a letter once a week? Talk about expectations before they go. While you might not know for sure how often they will be able to talk with you before they get there, talking about what you both expect is important.

Some service members are better at communication while overseas than others. If communication is hard for your spouse, make sure to talk about what both of you can do to make being away from one another easier. This will help with hurt feelings and not knowing why you are not hearing from your spouse as often as your friends are.

What You and Your Spouse Need to Talk About Before They Deploy

Deployment pay

What will you do with the extra deployment pay? Do you know how much it will be? If your spouse is in the National Guard or Reserves, what will the pay compare to what they are making now? Budgeting is always important, and budgeting for a deployment is a must.

If you do get extra money, will you use it to pay down debt, put it into savings, or for something else? What will your “fun budget” be? Will that change now that they are gone? What about your grocery budget? When one adult moves out for a time, that can change a lot.

If your service member gets BAS (Basic Allowance for Subsistence) right now, that could stop if they deploy. This seems to be something that is based on the deployment. Sometimes they pull the BAS, other times they don’t. Make sure to keep that in mind as you are making up your deployment budget.

Talking about what you will be doing with your money while they are deployed will allow you two to be on the same page. This will help down the line as both of you will know what you can spend and when you could be overspending. If you have the same financial goals, you will be more likely to achieve them.

While there is no way to prepare for a deployment 100%, make sure that you do have these discussions so that you can start off the deployment on the same page.

What do you and your spouse make sure to discuss before they deploy?

The Military is Going to Disappoint You

by Leave a Comment

The Military is Going to Disappoint You

Making plans as a military spouse feels like gambling. Will we be able to go on that trip? Will we really move to that state next year? What will the next few years look like?

I learned pretty quickly that the military is going to disappoint you. Paperwork takes longer than it should, dates get changed, and you can be left feeling like your thoughts and desires don’t even matter.

Getting used to this isn’t easy and even 16 years in, I still feel that disappointment. I feel it when drill dates get changed last minute. I feel it when we have to cancel trips due to being called up. I feel it when I start to wonder if my husband will be deployed and if so for how long?

There are just so many unknown changes in military life.

I think we try to cling to things that seem so certain, even if they could actually change, even if we know they might do so. We want so badly to have a normal life, plan all the things, and have them actually happen. We want to feel like we have some type of control.

When we hear our spouse might be getting orders to a new duty station in California, we want to plan all the things. We want to figure out where to live and what schools our kids will go to. We want to start a bucket list and plan what we will do for fun. We want to start to apply for jobs and get that moving.

But then, the military changes its mind and we end up in another state or another country and have to start the process all over again. We get frustrated because even if we can come to terms with the moves, coming to terms with the changes associated with them can be more difficult.

The truth is, the military is going to disappoint you and often. And the best thing to do is figure out how to roll with these changes. Because they are going to keep coming.

The military is going to disappoint you because living a military life is a bit of a sacrifice. Your service member signed up to give these years to the government. And doing so means that the mission comes first. Even if it is frustrating or inconvenient for the family.

We joke about always writing our plans in pencil but maybe that is what we have to do to stay sane. We joke about Murphy but maybe we have to plan for that to happen, and a plan for what we should do if it does. We joke about “hurry up and wait” but maybe that is what we always have to have in our heads when it comes to anything military.

As military spouses, we have to work hard to establish ourselves even within the military world. Depending on where you are stationed and what your own dreams might be, this isn’t always easy. We might need to pivot and plan for a last-minute deployment, or other change we didn’t see coming.

As military spouses, we have to figure out ways to handle the disappointment that comes with all of this. Some of us might need to cry it out, that’s okay. There is nothing wrong with feeling sad over a disappointment. But then, we have to figure out how to move through the change, and what we can do to get back on track.

Having some good military spouse friends, either in person, online, or both can be a good way to handle some of what military life brings. Your military spouse friends have been there. And can be there to encourage you. To see the light in the tunnel, and to help you come up with a plan.

Having good systems in place so you are not left all alone and so that you do have a backup plan is important. Who will you call if something breaks in your house? Who will you go to if your childcare falls through? What will you do when you are having a bad day and just need to find a listening ear?

Having a good plan for those what-ifs of military life can go a long way in helping you through periods of time when the military disappoints you. You can plan for everything, and when you do, those plans can change but you can be prepared for what you might need in the future.

You can also try to use caution when it comes to certain things. Don’t plan out a PCS before the orders come. Don’t assume your spouse will be around for something in the future, they might not be. And yes, always use that pencil in your planner. That way you can pivot, change, and get through the disappointments that come with military life.

Embrace the Suck: Advice to a MilSpouse Going Through Your First Deployment.

by 1 Comment

Happy to have this guest post by Megan on her best advice for a military spouse. Please email me at Julie@soldierswifecrazylife.com and let me know if you would like to write a guest post for Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life too.

Embrace the Suck: Advice to a MilSpouse Going Through Your First Deployment.

I just spend 3 hours on the phone with a spouse friend discussing spouses going through their first deployment. She’s a seasoned spouse who has been through her own trials and tribulations with deployments. I am a spouse going through my first deployment.

The more we talked the more I realized how different all her experiences are from my first. I guess the bottom line is it doesn’t matter if it’s your first or you’re tenth deployment. It doesn’t matter if it’s a 6-month deployment or a year deployment. It all sucks. So, the question is how to embrace the suck of a deployment.

I use the saying embrace the suck a lot when talking about my deployment experience. It’s become my deployment motto. It sounds harsh but it’s true.

When you are dealing with a deployment you must embrace the suck. We don’t like it. We don’t want to do it. It’s hard.

But there is nothing we can do about it. The truth is….it sucks, and we must rise to the occasion and survive it. So…. embrace the suck.

There is a lot of negative feelings surrounding the word deployment. When I married the military, I never heard one good thing that involved a deployment. It’s either terrible or sad.

The only good thing I can remember seeing or hearing is the welcome home videos online. Those are like Hallmark movies and always hit you in the feel-goods. Doesn’t matter how tough you are, watch one of those videos and you will cry! Outside of the welcome home, there isn’t a lot of good being said about a deployment.

So…. I’m going to share my suck and the positives of my first deployment. Here’s my advice for spouses going through their first deployment. Are you ready?!?!?

Pre-deployment is terrible. 

There will be fighting. You will not see eye to eye on anything. You as a spouse will want to cherish everything you do together or as a family. You will want to cling to him, hug him, kiss him and you will cry a lot. 

He will not. He is preparing to leave you. Most service members take this time to emotionally separate from their spouses. 

Do not take this personally. They are packing bags and getting ready to do one of the hardest things they have to do……leave their families. It’s not easy for them to walk away but it’s their duty. Understand that it’s mission first and their way of dealing with being away from you at this point.

Once they leave, they will call home and sound super happy and excited. 

You will not be being happy or excited. You will still be sad and adjusting to your empty house, your new single parent responsibilities, or an empty house. 

They will be living their best life. I know this is hard to understand but that’s a good thing. You want them to be happy. You want them to be excited. 

I once told a spouse who was frustrated with this. It’s so much better to hear your deployed spouse is living their best life than them calling you miserable. If they call you miserable, that’s when you understand you cannot help them.

It will break your heart; you will feel completely helpless and, in all honesty, there is nothing you can do for them. So, when your spouse calls home telling you how amazing it that’s a good thing. Even when life isn’t that great for you now.

I will say I am not one of those spouses who will tell you to hide your emotions from your deployed spouse.

I know there are a lot of spouses out there that will tell you not to tell your service member the bad stuff going on at home. You’re supposed to tell them it’s all rainbows, sunshine, and glitter. You’re not supposed to cry. 

However, I am one of those spouses that will tell you to openly communicate with your service member. Your service member needs to know how you are feeling, that you miss them, that it’s been a hard day and that Murphy moved into your home.

I’m not saying blow the phone up but don’t emotionally shut down. Your service member still needs to know things just like when they are having a hard time, they will need you.

Murphy will move into your home. 

Murphy’s law says if it will go wrong it will. Murphy will be like the boyfriend you can’t break up with. Stuff you never imaged would happen will happen.

You will have to watch YouTube videos and learn to do all kinds of stuff you never dreamed you would do. Keep in mind this is a good thing and brag to your service member. After all, not every spouse can fix a hot water heater! FYI lawn mowers need oil. Not sure who needs to hear this, but they do!

Your service member will have hard days. 

There will be days when something happens, and they need you. You need to be able to give them a pep talk.

Love them from a distance and be supportive. Even when you are having a bad day. You need to be prepared to be there for them. Sometimes at the end of the day, they might be having a harder day than you are. Please recognize that and support them the best way you can.

Find your tribe!!! 

And I don’t mean a tribe of civilian friends. I mean a tribe of military friends. A tribe that can understand, keep your secrets, and gives you guidance. I would not be able to survive all the cray of a deployment without my tribe of military spouses. They will guide you, love one (even from afar), and being your sounding board. You cannot do a deployment without a military spouse tribe.

Prepare yourself for the phone calls, texts, and video chats to tapper off. 

There will come a time when the communication slacks off. This does not mean something is wrong. This means your service member is doing their job or enjoying some downtime. 

Try not to take it personally if you do not feel emotionally connected to your service member. They are getting into their new normal just like you are. It’s a process.

I know it’s hard, it was for me. I didn’t like my husband being so far away and not wanting to constantly talk to me. But just like you are living your new life alone they are there to do a job so they can get back home to you.

Take some time to grieve. 

It took me two months to pick up my husbands’ shoes off the living room floor or to fold the last load of his laundry. Leave it there until you are ready. When you are you will know. There is not a rule book on how to handle these kinds of things. It’s hard. Take your time. When you’re ready to pick the shoes up, you will. 

Take this time apart as a positive thing. 

Don’t get me wrong, it’s hard, there will be bad days but try new things. Find new hobbies, go to school, focus on work, eat junk food in bed, and watch whatever you want on TV. Deployments do not mean it’s the end of a marriage or the world. It can be a great time for you to self-reflect and discover new things about yourself.

Remember deployment is temporary. 

I know going into a 13-month deployment it felt like it would last forever. It’s temporary. Your service member will come home. Everything you’re going through or will go through is temporary. Just keep that in the back of your mind, it will eventually end.

There will be anxiety when the end is coming.

I have not personally experienced the end of a deployment, yet. My husband is still gone right now. However, I did get to watch a homecoming of my best friend and her husband. 

Don’t worry about the perfect coming home outfit. Wear something comfortable. You really don’t know how you will react when you see your service member. 

When I saw my friend see her husband for the first time, she ran to him, threw her shoes off, and jumped in his arms. I realized I needed to wear pants and tennis shoes after watching them. It was the sweetest thing I have ever seen. Cue the Hallmark movie theme music and tears.

Finally, remember you are a military spouse! 

You married the military. You love your service member. You are strong. You have made it through TDYs, PCS, Schools, trainings, and anything else the military world throws at you. 

Some of you have had babies without your spouses, have raised babies without your spouse, faced all kinds of obstacles without your spouse and who knows what else. We can do this, and we will do this!

You will get through all the suck. You will cry, you will be lonely, you will have great days, you will have terrible days. It’s part of it but at the end of the day, YOU CAN DO IT!!! It’s what makes Military spouses special!

The best advice I can give it try to enjoy yourself. Take a vacation. Enjoy your alone time.

Spend time with friends and family. Go to school. Dive into work. Work in your yard. Crochet a blanket. Whatever it is that you have always wanted to do……do it!!!

It’s the perfect time to discover who you are. Love yourself and the time will pass. Remember embrace the suck. That’s all you can do. Embrace the suck and live your best life.

My name is Megan Davis. I have a full-time paying job and volunteer jobs that I love. I currently work as a Personnel Supervisor at Westaff where I match people in my community looking for jobs with companies looking for workers. I volunteer as the Family Readiness Group Leader for the 2-108 CAV Squadron in Shreveport. I work with Military Spouse Advocacy Network (MSAN) mentoring other National Guard Spouses. Following these passions, I was recognized as the 2020-2021 Louisiana National Guard Spouse of the Year. I love helping people, specifically military spouses. One of my main goals is to make sure military spouses know they are not alone when trying to navigate through the military world. I want to help give them the courage to speak out and help build a support system for them so they can make it through all the crazy things the military life throws at us. I am also a student at the University of Louisiana at Monroe for my bachelor’s degree in risk management. Graduating from ULM has been my biggest goal for years and I am proud to say I am almost there.

9 Things You Can Say To People Who Tell You They Could Never Do Military Spouse Life

by

9 Things You Can Say To People Who Tell You They Could Never Do Military Spouse Life

I am sure you have heard it before, when you are telling a friend that your spouse has to deploy for six months. They look at you and say, “I could never do it.” And you just want to roll your eyes a bit because even though you understand what they are saying, you also sometimes feel like you couldn’t do it either. And that you only “do it” because you love your spouse and they happen to serve their country by serving in the military.

You know that they are probably not trying to be mean by saying this, but sometimes that phrase is hard to hear. As military spouses, we do what we have to do, even if we don’t like what is happening. Most military spouses wouldn’t say they love deployments but we work hard to find ways to cope through them.

So what is the best thing to say to people when they tell you this? How should you handle this topic?

Here are 9 ideas for what you can say to people who tell you they could never do military spouse life:

1.”I couldn’t either.”

The truth is, I used to say this. When we first started talking about my husband joining the Army, I said this. I didn’t think I could handle solo parenting or being away from him. But then things changed, and I was able to because I knew I had to just get through it. I knew that I had to support him, no matter how long he had to be away or how hard things got.

2. “Well, if your spouse were in the military, you would find a way.”

This is the thing; if you are married to a service member, you figure out how to do things you didn’t think you could. I would even say this is true for most people. Whether you are married to a service member or not, your life could bring you challenges and you figure out how to get through them, even if it is just one day at a time.

3. “Well, not all of us have to thankfully.”

Although this might come off a little bit snarky, luckily, not everyone has to be without their spouse. Not everyone has to deal with all the lonely nights. We live in a country where not everyone has to be away, fighting in a war.

9 Things You Can Say To People Who Tell You They Could Never Do Military Spouse Life

4. “Well, you just take it one day at a time.”

Really, that’s what we have to do. One day at a time. One hour at a time on some days. We just get through. We stay busy. We make friends. We figure out how to survive a deployment. One day down during a deployment is one day closer to them being home.

5. “With enough wine, chocolate, and Netflix you would be able to get through it too.”

Maybe instead of wine it is coffee, and maybe instead of chocolate it is ice cream, but we find ways to get through the time apart. Whether it is diving into a good book series or a new Netflix show. As military spouses, we have all sorts of tools in our deployment toolkit to get through a deployment.

6. “It’s hard, not going to lie.”

Sometimes we should just be honest with people. Military life is hard. We can’t sugarcoat that. We have days where all we can do is feed the kids and do a load of laundry. Survival mode is a thing and sometimes that is the only way through. But just because something is hard, it doesn’t mean we will automatically walk away, especially when it concerns our spouse.

7. “I would rather be married to my soldier than anyone else, so I deal with it.”

This is what it comes down to. We do this because we want to be married to the person who has decided to join the military. We would rather do this with them than have another life with someone else. And in most cases, the person you are talking to would do the same thing. They have just never had to think about living without their spouse before.

9 Things You Can Say To People Who Tell You They Could Never Do Military Spouse Life

8. “Hard things seem impossible until you have been faced with them yourself.”

I have friends that have been through the death of a child, death of a spouse, a divorce, or any other difficult situation. Life means these things might happen and they get through them just like anyone who has been faced with something that seems impossible. You never really know how strong you are until you stare the impossible in the face.

9. “Want to bring me dinner sometime?”

Why not ask that person for help? I know, it’s hard for us military spouses to ask for help but maybe when someone says, “I could never do it” to us, we could ask them for help. If they can recognize that a deployment is going to be a hardship for us, they are also probably willing to help you out, even in small ways.

While hearing, “I could never do it” can get frustrating, especially when so many people say it to us, we should remember that people don’t usually mean anything bad by it. They simply have not been in our shoes, and the thought of having to do what we do is scary. This is so human.

We can talk with our friends about what military life is really like; we can let them know that we do struggle but that we do it for a reason. We can tell them that we got this, as hard as it seems to them. We can explain that we don’t do this because we love being alone or love deployments, but we do it because we married a service member and want to support them in their career choice.

What do you say when someone says, “I could never do it” to you?

9 Things You Can Say To People Who Tell You They Could Never Do Military Spouse Life