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Deployment

How to Support a Reserve Spouse During a Deployment

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How to Support a Reserve Spouse During a Deployment

My name is Corrie Andreacchio, and I am a proud US Army Reserve spouse. My husband, SFC Joseph Andreacchio has served for over 18 years and is a two-time combat veteran with service in support of both Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation Enduring Freedom.

As a reserve spouse, we often do not have access to on-post resources and ease of access to connect in person with other military spouses, especially those from our spouse’s unit during a time of separation. During my husband’s 2013-2014 deployment to Afghanistan, many of the soldiers were from areas that spanned as many as 600 miles from the reserve center in Reading, PA.

In the first 30 days of that separation, it was hard. I found myself scouring the Facebook posts and FRG (now SFRG) community page to find potential matches for friendship. I was fortunate to cross paths with two incredible women – Erin and Nicole. We forged a friendship that was 100% virtual. We texted, we joined each other for virtual wine nights, and we set GOALS. Goals to hold each other accountable – and when we fell short, we leaned into each other and shared tears, virtual hugs (Nicole is NOT a hugger so this worked out to her benefit), and the permission to make it a “take-out” night for dinner.

Since our husbands deployed together in 2013-2014, we have all faced at least one more deployment off-cycle from one another. This was a new hardship because there is nothing like the camaraderie of going through a deployment alongside other spouses’ at the same time. However, we were able to lean into these ideas and support each other in spite of not having the common experience.

I was lucky. This is not always the case. Many of our reserve spouses are isolated. Isolated from their military community and isolated in their local community where there is not a common understanding of the sacrifice a deployment can take on the military family.

How can we support our reserve spouses during times of separation? Be there. Call. Text. When you do not know what to say, simply ask how they are doing.

Here are some ideas to guide your support of our reserve and national guard spouses when they are not able to join and/or attend more formal spouses’ clubs or SFRG functions due to location.

1)      Flat Stanley meets Green Soldier. Go to a party store (or lean on Amazon) and send green soldiers to your circle. Family, friends, and co-workers can all get involved. Create a Facebook group where you encourage everyone to post photos with their soldiers and the adventures that they are having at home while the service member is deployed. This is a great way to capture the memories for the service member upon their return and an awesome way for non-military connected support persons to participate.

2)      Drinks and Links. You can mail your reserve spouse cut pieces of construction paper and join them on a Facetime or Zoom to create a deployment countdown calendar while enjoying your Coffee, Wine, or Mocktail. Have one in your home in addition to theirs and celebrate the removal of each link. I would suggest a deployment countdown of either weeks or months, but Nicole plans to have a caterpillar of a daily countdown in her home. Godspeed, Nicole!

(OPSEC is critical, Do not share your exact countdown information).

3)      Monthly Celebration. Did your reserve or national guard’s spouse leave on the 20th of the month? Make it a point to connect with your friend on that day. Send a greeting card, FaceTime, and have a dance party. We highly recommend Katy Perry’s ROAR.

4)      Start or rediscover a Hobby. DIY home décor, gardening, knitting, scrapbooking. Pick a hobby that you can both do together. When our husbands were deployed in 2013-2014 Erin, Nicole, and I picked up working out. We all achieved significant goals and ended the deployments working out consistently two times a day, most days. We were stronger together and sweating for that homecoming

5)      Snail mail. There is nothing more fun than receiving happy mail. However, happy mail is really rare these days. My friend, Rebekah, who I met through a military spouse non-profit as volunteers, reminded me of the power of snail mail during my husband’s 2020 unaccompanied CONUS mobilization. She was so good about sending me greeting cards, letters, stickers for my daughter, and some surprise Amazon goodies that completely turned my day around. Somehow, most likely because of her husband’s career service as an EOD with the Air Force these snail mail happy mail packages always arrived on a day I really needed them. These do not have to be elaborate. Hand write a letter, and create a masterpiece with crayons and construction paper. Being thought of is what it is all about during a time of separation.

Erin, Nicole, and I have a lasting bond built on common experiences and the ability to make time for each other during our spouse’s deployment. Soon we will be celebrating TEN YEARS of friendship simply as a result of our husband’s jobs. It is truly an extraordinary thing to know that your spouse’s job can open a door to incredible friendships for reserve spouses if you’re able to find out how to connect with them. 

The Blessing Of A Military Marriage

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The Blessing Of A Military Marriage

I do a lot of reflecting sometimes. I have always kept a journal and I like to think about where we have been as a couple and a family and where we are going. We have had to make a lot of choices over the years.

When to have kids. To move across the country. To join the military. To buy a house. To stay in Tennessee. To join the National Guard.

Sometimes it is way too easy to look back and think we shouldn’t have made certain choices. However, I don’t like to look at my life like that. Is it possible we made bad choices in the past? Yes. Does that mean the rest of our lives are messed up? No.

One of the biggest life-changing choices we made was for my husband to re-enlist in the military at age 30. It was something that we talked about for months beforehand. We had no idea what life would be like as a military family.

As I think back over the last 16 years as a Military spouse, I think in the end there have been many blessings in our marriage because of military life. Don’t get me wrong. Would I have preferred to have a husband who had never left us? Perhaps, but that wasn’t how life has been for us. 

For the last 16 years, we have said goodbye to each other too many times to count. I have been in solo parenting land off and on and that gets to me. I never thought I would be parenting alone so much of the time. This life hasn’t been easy.

But at the end of the day, there are blessings in a Military marriage.

We know what missing our spouse is like. Can you imagine never missing your spouse? I can’t.

I am not sure what that would be like? After so much time in this lifestyle, I can’t even wrap my mind around never having to miss him.  

I think missing someone can grow the relationship in a way nothing else can. If your spouse is gone and you don’t miss them at all, what does that say? It tells you something isn’t quite right. It tells you that there is probably a reason why you don’t and you and your spouse need to figure it out.

Homecomings can be the highlight of our Military experience. The feeling you get when you see your spouse again is hard to explain unless you have been through a long separation. Knowing that the months of waiting and worrying has come to a close and knowing you will finally be back in each other’s arms can be the spark that your marriage needs.

Watching your spouse in their uniform can be inspiring. You know they are doing something good in the world and you are there to support them through the mission. Knowing that you and your spouse are a part of history, and working to make the world a better place is a good feeling. There is just something about feeling that way that can help your marriage thrive.

I remember during one of our R&Rs my husband told us that through these deployments we will become that much stronger. I think this is the case for us but I know the reality that it isn’t always the case. I think deployments either make you stronger as a couple or can cause you to break.

If you are new to military life and are worried a bit about your marriage, keep in mind that there are blessings of a Military marriage. As hard as the lifestyle might be, they are there if you look for them. Hopefully, over the years, you will be able to look back and see them. I know we have.

How do you feel that the military has blessed your marriage?

Jealousy, When You Are a Military Spouse

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Jealousy, When You Are a Military Spouse

During my time as a military spouse, I have experienced a variety of emotions. Happiness during homecoming. Sadness during a deployment. Getting excited about a new duty station or promotion. Loneliness when a friend moves away.

There are a lot of different emotions we feel during the time that our spouse is serving in the Military. One emotion that we can feel, even if we don’t want to, is jealousy.

Jealousy can happen when you least expect it. Jealousy can happen over a deployment schedule, a promotion, a pcs, or just life in general. You can be happy for someone and still feel that green-eyed monster creep up. When you are waiting for something to happen, and that very thing you are waiting for happens to someone else, you can feel jealousy coming up.

I have felt this way over the years. I feel bad when I do. I have felt this way when I felt like my husband was always deploying and others were not.

I have felt this way when someone else seemed to be holding it together better than I was.

I have felt this way over little silly things that I would never want to share with anyone.

Jealousy happens, but what we do with those feelings is what really matters.

One big lesson I have learned over the years is that military life simply isn’t fair. Some people deploy more than others. Promotions don’t always happen even if it feels like they should and some people get better duty stations than others.

Sometimes you are going to be surrounded by good friends and other times you will be the lonely one still trying to make new friends since your old friends moved away. Military life can often be one big cycle.

Some years are going to be better than others. That is the nature of Military life.

Want a free Guide for the First 30 Days of a Deployment???

If you are feeling jealous of someone else, know that it can happen, especially in Military spouse life when we know so much about what other people are doing. When our community is so small.

Maybe your spouse just left again, and theirs just got home, and that is causing you to feel jealous. Think about the times when you were experiencing what they were. Think about how you will be in their place in the future.

Try not to let everything get to you and remember that by the time you are getting ready for homecoming, they could be getting ready to send their spouse off again. You never really know.

Think about everything you have and all the amazing experiences you have been through in the past. Remember that even if it feels like everyone else has more than you do, others have less.

Try not to let jealousy rule you. Focus on what is going well in your life and work on what you don’t like. Let go of anything you don’t have control over. It simply isn’t worth your energy if you can’t do anything about it anyway.

The feeling of jealousy can creep up on you, but you don’t have to let jealousy win. Take a step back, write about what you are feeling in your journal, and know that seasons change all the time during military life. One moment you are in the midst of another deployment and the other you are on a family vacation celebrating their return.

Do you ever struggle with jealousy? What do you do about it when the green-eyed monster hits?

Struggling With Anxiety When Your Spouse is in the Military

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Struggling With Anxiety When Your Spouse is in the Military

Struggling With Anxiety When Your Spouse Is In The Military

One of the hardest parts of being a Military spouse is when your spouse is away from you. They can be gone for a few weeks, a few months, or even up to a year. In some cases even longer. When you are dealing with that plus dealing with anxiety, life can feel like too much at times.

I never realized how bad my anxiety could get until right before our 4th deployment.

I have always been a bit of a worrier. I worry about silly little things that my husband just can’t understand. I have a hard time with driving. If I haven’t ever been to the place before, if it is too far from home, or if I have to drive somewhere at night, doing so can be a challenge.

I have had to work hard on this because I do have to drive most days. I have to power through. And most days I am able to.

I worry about silly things with my kids. Usually, when my husband is home, I can just ask him what he thinks and then I can calm down and it isn’t a big deal. When he is deployed, I can’t do that so my worry level goes up.

I get anxious about my car when I park somewhere new. I get anxious about locking my front door, did I remember to do it? I get anxious about a lot of little things and all of that can add up.

Right before our 4th deployment, I knew I needed to do something about my anxiety.

I couldn’t see how I could get through the deployment without upping my game a little bit. I had friends to hang out with, kids to keep me busy, and projects to work on but that wasn’t going to be enough this time. It just wasn’t.

I ended up talking to my doctor about what was going on and she suggested medication. I am not against meds altogether but I wasn’t sure if they were right for me. I really went back and forth about taking them. I decided I wanted to see how counseling would work before I tried medication.

So I started going to see someone. Thank goodness Tricare paid for it. Going to counseling was the best thing I could have done. I am not going to say that all my anxiety went away, it didn’t, but talking to someone really helped me, in ways nothing else did.

If I ever get to where I feel the way I did back then, I would go see someone again in a heartbeat.

Anxiety is rough, and for me, a deployment made that anxiety worse.

Studies have found that wives of deployed soldiers are more likely to be diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and other mental health conditions. This was not a big surprise to me. I know I am not the only one that struggles.

Throw in a deployment, or two, or three or, however many you have to go through, and life can get pretty challenging. I think as military spouses we want to be strong but anxiety or depression can drag us down, and make us feel as if everything is just too hard.

The issue with anxiety is so much more than just worrying. We all might worry about our spouses being in a war zone, at least on some level. Anxiety goes much further than that and should be taken more seriously. Anxiety can make you worry about things that other people don’t even think about.

We can’t just pray anxiety away or go out with friends to get rid of those feelings. Anxiety is something we have to work at on a daily basis. Anxiety can ruin your whole day. Anxiety can make life so much more difficult.

So what should you do if you struggle with anxiety and your spouse is in the Military?

You need to take steps to figure out how you are going to get through what you are dealing with. If your spouse is going to make the Military a career, you will have to figure something out. For some that might be moving back home during a deployment, others might need to take medication or start seeing a counselor. Some military spouses might need to do everything in order to get to a better place. Don’t be ashamed and try to seek help if you can.

The Military does have some resources for you too. You can visit the Tricare page to see what your options are. Military One Source is also a great resource for more information.

Remember that you are only human and if you feel like you need extra help, ask for that help. Admitting this can be difficult but important. You will be a better spouse, a better parent, and a better friend if you can get the help you need.

Do you struggle from anxiety? How do you deal with it all when going through something difficult like a deployment?

As Military Spouses, What Happens in the World Can Hit Us Hard

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As Military Spouses, What Happens in the World Can Hit Us Hard

As military spouses, what happens in the world can hit us hard.

As we turn on our TV or log in to our social media account, we see another situation that is going to probably require the military to step in, to deploy, to serve in the way they have trained for.

We wonder what this will mean for our own spouse. Will they have to go? Will they be gone a while? Will they be safe?

We just don’t know what will happen and we can get pretty freaked out by it all.

Some say this is what our spouses signed up for, but the reality is, we can never really know what a military career will look like.

By marrying a service member, we start a new journey.

Will it lead us to amazing places? Will we find our community? Will we be challenged beyond anything we could ever imagine?

Yes! Yes! And Yes!

Military life means deployments and moving, probably too often. It means going days, sometimes longer without being able to talk to the person we love. It means sitting back and having to wait to see what will happen next.

As the country tries to figure out what is going on overseas, we sit there knowing that if it isn’t our spouse going over there right now, it is someone else’s. If it isn’t our soldier leaving soon, it will be someday. And we know how hard these types of things can hit the military community as a whole.

I can tell you to stay strong, but the tears might still come. I can tell you not to worry, but there is so much to worry about. I can tell you to depend on your friends, and maybe that is the only thing you can do right now.

As I watch what is happening in the news, I wonder what is to come. Will this be another Iraq? Will this not be quite as bad as we think it might be? What is going to happen?

I wish we could see the future so we know what is ahead. I wish we could plan everything for the next five years. But the reality is no one really can, and as military spouses, we can’t know which way the tide will turn. We don’t know what all of it means for our spouse.

We have to just stay strong, as much as we can. We have to reach out when things feel a little too much. We can’t let all the little comments get to us, because let’s face it, not everyone is going to say the right thing.

This is an emotional time. There are many different viewpoints about what we should do, even within the military community. There are many different ways this could go.

There are so many things you will go through as a military spouse. Maybe your spouse will only serve for a few years, and you will look back at this time as the “Army years.” Maybe your spouse will serve over 30 years, and deployments are going to be a part of the memories of your life together. Whatever the case, saying goodbye to your spouse is never easy, especially when you are unsure of where they are going off to.

I can remember sitting with my friends and our kids at a McDonald’s in Germany. Our husbands, who had been deployed for over a year, were being extended. This seemed impossible. It seemed like something that couldn’t possibly happen.

But it did…

And as heartbreaking as that news was, as hard as the next few months were, somehow we got through that long deployment. Somehow we made it through those unsteady days.

When I see the articles about service members being deployed because of this new threat, I feel so much for their families.

For the new spouse, who didn’t think this would happen so soon.

For the seasoned spouse who thought this last year of military life was going to be uneventful.

To those who have been through this before and to those who have no experience with a long separation.

Know that we see you, and we have your back. The days won’t always be easy, but you have people praying for you. You have people who get it. You have people in your corner.

No matter what happens today, or tomorrow, or next week or next month, know you are not alone. We have each other. And that is something we can depend on!

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The Military is Going to Disappoint You

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The Military is Going to Disappoint You

Making plans as a military spouse feels like gambling. Will we be able to go on that trip? Will we really move to that state next year? What will the next few years look like?

I learned pretty quickly that the military is going to disappoint you. Paperwork takes longer than it should, dates get changed, and you can be left feeling like your thoughts and desires don’t even matter.

Getting used to this isn’t easy and even 16 years in, I still feel that disappointment. I feel it when drill dates get changed last minute. I feel it when we have to cancel trips due to being called up. I feel it when I start to wonder if my husband will be deployed and if so for how long?

There are just so many unknown changes in military life.

I think we try to cling to things that seem so certain, even if they could actually change, even if we know they might do so. We want so badly to have a normal life, plan all the things, and have them actually happen. We want to feel like we have some type of control.

When we hear our spouse might be getting orders to a new duty station in California, we want to plan all the things. We want to figure out where to live and what schools our kids will go to. We want to start a bucket list and plan what we will do for fun. We want to start to apply for jobs and get that moving.

But then, the military changes its mind and we end up in another state or another country and have to start the process all over again. We get frustrated because even if we can come to terms with the moves, coming to terms with the changes associated with them can be more difficult.

The truth is, the military is going to disappoint you and often. And the best thing to do is figure out how to roll with these changes. Because they are going to keep coming.

The military is going to disappoint you because living a military life is a bit of a sacrifice. Your service member signed up to give these years to the government. And doing so means that the mission comes first. Even if it is frustrating or inconvenient for the family.

We joke about always writing our plans in pencil but maybe that is what we have to do to stay sane. We joke about Murphy but maybe we have to plan for that to happen, and a plan for what we should do if it does. We joke about “hurry up and wait” but maybe that is what we always have to have in our heads when it comes to anything military.

As military spouses, we have to work hard to establish ourselves even within the military world. Depending on where you are stationed and what your own dreams might be, this isn’t always easy. We might need to pivot and plan for a last-minute deployment, or other change we didn’t see coming.

As military spouses, we have to figure out ways to handle the disappointment that comes with all of this. Some of us might need to cry it out, that’s okay. There is nothing wrong with feeling sad over a disappointment. But then, we have to figure out how to move through the change, and what we can do to get back on track.

Having some good military spouse friends, either in person, online, or both can be a good way to handle some of what military life brings. Your military spouse friends have been there. And can be there to encourage you. To see the light in the tunnel, and to help you come up with a plan.

Having good systems in place so you are not left all alone and so that you do have a backup plan is important. Who will you call if something breaks in your house? Who will you go to if your childcare falls through? What will you do when you are having a bad day and just need to find a listening ear?

Having a good plan for those what-ifs of military life can go a long way in helping you through periods of time when the military disappoints you. You can plan for everything, and when you do, those plans can change but you can be prepared for what you might need in the future.

You can also try to use caution when it comes to certain things. Don’t plan out a PCS before the orders come. Don’t assume your spouse will be around for something in the future, they might not be. And yes, always use that pencil in your planner. That way you can pivot, change, and get through the disappointments that come with military life.

12 Things to Do This Valentine’s Day if Your Service Member is Far Away

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Is it really time for Valentine’s Day again? Time is moving that’s for sure. Before we know it summer will be here and we will be getting ready for another fall season.

Valentine’s Day is always an interesting holiday. The day is all about love, spending time together, and remembering why you love one another.

For military spouses, this might be a little bit more complicated. Your service member might be deployed or otherwise not living in your home at the moment. You might want to skip the day altogether but your kids wouldn’t be too happy about that. You may be left asking yourself if you should even celebrate and if you should, what can you do?

Here are 12 things to do this Valentine’s Day if your service member is far away:

1) Buy yourself some chocolate

Go, do it. Buy yourself some chocolate. You can pick out your favorite kind. And no, you don’t have to share it with anyone.

2) Celebrate with friends

Plan something fun with your friends. Have dinner, go see a movie, or even set up a fun Zoom party. Celebrate the love that comes with friendships.

3) Buy yourself flowers

Buy a new plant. Buy your own flowers. Buy something special that brings you joy.

4) Order a yummy meal

Put the kids to bed early. Order something yummy for yourself, put on your favorite movie, and enjoy the night for what it is. A night to treat yourself.

5) Make a playlist for your spouse just for the holiday

Think back to when couples would make themselves mixed tapes. It’s just the modern version. Put your favorites or songs that remind you of your relationship. It can be a trip down memory lane.

6) Have a video chat Valentine’s Day date

If you can make this work, plan a video date with your sweetheart. You might not be in the same room but that way you can spend Valentine’s Day together.

7) Give your kids Valentine’s Day

If your spouse can’t be around, focus on giving Valentine’s to your kids. They will love them and you can have a fun time celebrating Valentine’s Day with them.

8) Have a Valentine’s Day baking day

Plan a Valentine’s Day baking day. You can do this solo, with your kids, or with friends. Make heart-shaped cookies, bake a pink and white cake, or create a new Valentine’s Day treat.

9) Nothing

This is also an option. Don’t do anything. You don’t have to. And if that is what is more comfortable for you, why not? You don’t have to celebrate any holiday you really don’t want to celebrate.

10) Phone a friend or family member

Why not take the day to catch up with someone you haven’t talked to for a while. I am talking about the good old-fashioned phone call. This can be a good friend, your mom, your grandma, or anyone else you feel like calling.

11) Read a good romance

Curl up with some hot chocolate and dive into a romance novel. Escape into another world. And if romance is not your thing, how about a fantasy? Or any other type of book you can get lost in.

12) Watch a good rom-com

Find a fun rom-com to get lost in. It can be something from the 90s that you love or something new that just came out on Netflix. There are so many options. Don’t forget the popcorn!

How will you spend this Valentine’s Day???

The Truth About Seeing Your Spouse Again After A Deployment

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The Truth About Seeing Your Spouse Again After A Deployment

In the summer of 2009, I waited in an airport terminal in a fancy dress and heels. I never wear heels but this was a special day. My husband was flying in from Iraq for a two-week R&R during his year-long deployment. My boys and I were in California visiting my family, and that is where he was going to spend his R&R.

I was waiting at the airport, staring at the escalator that brought down the arriving passengers. Had it been ten years earlier, had 9/11 never happened I could have watched him get off the plane. But this was as far as I could go in our post-9/11 world.

Men and women came down with their backpacks and small bags of luggage, but I waited. And then, at the top of the stairs, I saw the first part of the uniform, and I knew it was him. We hadn’t seen each other for about nine months. As soon as I saw his face, I ran to him, heels and all.

I could hear all the other people in the airport when they realized what was happening, that a soldier was meeting up with his wife after time apart.

I heard cheers and claps as I ran right into his arms. This was bliss. This was what amazing meant. This was how things were supposed to be, both of us, in one another’s arms, husband, and wife together again.

I took off my heels as soon as we got into the car and started to relax. My parents had our boys, and we would see them again in the morning. This day, it was for me. Just for my husband and me. We got a local hotel and spent that first night together after so many months apart.

The strangest thing after a deployment is the feeling that you don’t know one another like you used to, like you did before they left.

This is a scary feeling. You guys have been living apart for quite a while. You both have changed. You are both not the same as you were the day that they left. This is normal.

That first day of R&R we decided to spend some time at a local outdoor mall. We walked around the stores and things felt weird. It was similar to how one would feel on a first date. Here was this man, this guy, he loved me and I loved him but things didn’t feel 100% familiar, not like they normally do.

I knew this feeling would fade. That time would pass and he would feel like home again. That’s what happened. I know we are lucky. That feeling doesn’t always come back for everyone.

That R&R we spent a lot of family time together and we were able to spend a few days on an anniversary trip to Catalina Island. We had gone there for our honeymoon and were now able to be back on our anniversary. Somehow that worked out despite crazy military schedules.

Two weeks went by and he had to go back as they do after R&R. I dropped him back off at the airport. This time we would be apart a little over two months.

That didn’t seem as bad. We could do it. Luckily that deployment didn’t get extended, but it was always a worry.

He came home that November and we started the process of moving back to the US from Germany. Another deployment was done, completed. So many years have passed since that summer and I can still remember so much about how I felt when he came home, how nice R&R was, and how hard saying goodbye at the end of R&R was.

The truth is, deployments can hit you hard. They can mess with you. They can cause you to think things about your relationship that simply are not true.

The time after deployment isn’t always bliss, in fact, for most people, there is always something to work through. Being away from your spouse isn’t easy and can take a lot of time to get back to any type of normal. Some couples have to work through so much. Some couples can’t get past it.

The truth is, a deployment is a difficult situation you and your spouse will have to go through. And for a lot of military spouses, you will have to go through them more than once.

You have to work hard, you have to work on your marriage, and you both have to be understanding of what you both have been through while you were apart.

If you are towards the end of your deployment, know that homecoming is probably going to be a good day. You will get your spouse back. You will no longer be married to your phone or your computer. Your real-life husband or wife will live with you again.

But also know that the after deployment road won’t always be easy. Homecomings look so amazing, and they can be, but once you get home, that is when the real work begins.

Be open, be honest, and seek help if you need to. This after deployment readjustment period can be filled with ups and downs. You have to get to know each other again, you have to work with what happened over there, things are not going to back to normal right away.

And your after deployment struggles could be different from other military couples. What you and your spouse struggle with can be different from what other couples struggle with. Don’t compare, and try to figure out what help you and your own spouse might need.

What are your best tips for reintegration after a deployment? What would you tell a spouse who is worried about what will happen after their service member comes home?