Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Deployment

The Truth About Seeing Your Spouse Again After A Deployment

by 4 Comments

The Truth About Seeing Your Spouse Again After A Deployment

In the summer of 2009, I waited in an airport terminal in a fancy dress and heels. I never wear heels but this was a special day. My husband was flying in from Iraq for a two-week R&R during his year-long deployment. My boys and I were in California visiting my family, and that is where he was going to spend his R&R.

I was waiting at the airport, staring at the escalator that brought down the arriving passengers. Had it been ten years earlier, had 9/11 never happened I could have watched him get off the plane. But this was as far as I could go in our post-9/11 world.

Men and women came down with their backpacks and small bags of luggage, but I waited. And then, at the top of the stairs, I saw the first part of the uniform, and I knew it was him. We hadn’t seen each other for about nine months. As soon as I saw his face, I ran to him, heels and all.

I could hear all the other people in the airport when they realized what was happening, that a soldier was meeting up with his wife after time apart.

I heard cheers and claps as I ran right into his arms. This was bliss. This was what amazing meant. This was how things were supposed to be, both of us, in one another’s arms, husband, and wife together again.

I took off my heels as soon as we got into the car and started to relax. My parents had our boys, and we would see them again in the morning. This day, it was for me. Just for my husband and me. We got a local hotel and spent that first night together after so many months apart.

The strangest thing after a deployment is the feeling that you don’t know one another like you used to, like you did before they left.

This is a scary feeling. You guys have been living apart for quite a while. You both have changed. You are both not the same as you were the day that they left. This is normal.

That first day of R&R we decided to spend some time at a local outdoor mall. We walked around the stores and things felt weird. It was similar to how one would feel on a first date. Here was this man, this guy, he loved me and I loved him but things didn’t feel 100% familiar, not like they normally do.

I knew this feeling would fade. That time would pass and he would feel like home again. That’s what happened. I know we are lucky. That feeling doesn’t always come back for everyone.

That R&R we spent a lot of family time together and we were able to spend a few days on an anniversary trip to Catalina Island. We had gone there for our honeymoon and were now able to be back on our anniversary. Somehow that worked out despite crazy military schedules.

Two weeks went by and he had to go back as they do after R&R. I dropped him back off at the airport. This time we would be apart a little over two months.

That didn’t seem as bad. We could do it. Luckily that deployment didn’t get extended, but it was always a worry.

He came home that November and we started the process of moving back to the US from Germany. Another deployment was done, completed. So many years have passed since that summer and I can still remember so much about how I felt when he came home, how nice R&R was, and how hard saying goodbye at the end of R&R was.

The truth is, deployments can hit you hard. They can mess with you. They can cause you to think things about your relationship that simply are not true.

The time after deployment isn’t always bliss, in fact, for most people, there is always something to work through. Being away from your spouse isn’t easy and can take a lot of time to get back to any type of normal. Some couples have to work through so much. Some couples can’t get past it.

The truth is, a deployment is a difficult situation you and your spouse will have to go through. And for a lot of military spouses, you will have to go through them more than once.

You have to work hard, you have to work on your marriage, and you both have to be understanding of what you both have been through while you were apart.

If you are towards the end of your deployment, know that homecoming is probably going to be a good day. You will get your spouse back. You will no longer be married to your phone or your computer. Your real-life husband or wife will live with you again.

But also know that the after deployment road won’t always be easy. Homecomings look so amazing, and they can be, but once you get home, that is when the real work begins.

Be open, be honest, and seek help if you need to. This after deployment readjustment period can be filled with ups and downs. You have to get to know each other again, you have to work with what happened over there, things are not going to back to normal right away.

And your after deployment struggles could be different from other military couples. What you and your spouse struggle with can be different from what other couples struggle with. Don’t compare, and try to figure out what help you and your own spouse might need.

What are your best tips for reintegration after a deployment? What would you tell a spouse who is worried about what will happen after their service member comes home? 

Missing You, On Christmas

by 1 Comment

Missing You, On Christmas

Another Christmas and yet you are gone, across the ocean, serving our country.

We knew this was a part of the deal, and yet, that doesn’t make it any easier. You are gone, away from us, and all we want for Christmas is you.

As the days get closer to the 25th, my heart feels a little less thrilled with the idea that we are so far away from one another. There is something about this holiday, more than any other, that you should be home for. And yet I know, the military doesn’t work like that. Life doesn’t work like that.

I know as a military spouse, just because I want them to be home doesn’t mean they will be. Just because I think they should be home, doesn’t mean they can be. I have to go with the flow, even if that flow hurts.

As I set up the Christmas tree, I can’t help but hold back a tear. I can’t help but think about the year before when you were here for all this. When you were right by my side as we decided on where each ornament should go.

As I set up the Christmas tree, I think about how hopefully you will be with us next year, and the year after, and the one after that. I hope and pray you never have to be over there during Christmas again. But how realistic is that type of prayer?

As I start to buy presents for our young children, I think about how you won’t be there to see them open them. To see the joy on their faces, and hear them laugh and get excited about Christmas morning.

I think about how I will make sure to record everything so that you don’t miss a thing, but you will anyway. That is just how it is. A million photos never make up for being there, no matter how many you take.

I think about how on Christmas Eve, it will just be me getting everything together. It will just be me putting the kids to bed in their cute Christmas PJs, and just me making sure the cookies and milk are out for Santa. It will just be me pouring some eggnog and watching a Christmas movie late into the night.

We will be missing you on Christmas.

As a military family, we have missed you so many times over the years. You have missed birthdays and anniversaries, and all the little things that make life special. And yet, I can’t help be feel like this is the road we have to be on. That you are a soldier, and I choose to follow you, even if it meant a Christmas away from you. Even if it meant missing you.

I think about how much you have given to this country. And how much more you will give. There will be more times apart, and more Christmases spent in different time zones.

But as I think about missing you on Christmas, I also think about how we can get through this, just like we have before.

You won’t be here for Christmas day, but we will be thinking of one another all the same. That is what we military families do. That is all we can really do when we are hit with missing each other so much.

Christmas won’t be the same, it can’t be, you are not here. But Christmas can still be special and we can still make some memories.

We are missing you on Christmas, as you are missing us. But we will get through this time apart. We always do and make it to the other side.

There is Something So Beautiful About a Holiday Homecoming.

by 1 Comment

There is Something So Beautiful About a Holiday Homecoming.

The morning was cold but being that it was December in Tennessee, not a big surprise. When we arrived at the hanger, I knew this would be different than our last deployment, which ended on a hot day in July. Our deployment was over and I only had to wait a few more hours until my husband would be in my arms again.

This 4th deployment had been one of the hardest. I was so glad that the deployment was going to end. What made things even better was that my husband was coming home about a week before Christmas. That felt so magical.

That year, we had the best Christmas ever. That year we didn’t have to miss him. We didn’t have to worry anymore.

We weren’t lonely and we were together. We didn’t have to experience the deployment ache over Christmas and we fully enjoyed the holidays together again. Although in the back of our minds we couldn’t help but remember Christmas spent apart, and how difficult that was.

There is something so beautiful about a holiday homecoming.

Knowing that the deployment will end and that you will be celebrating the holidays together instead of apart.

Knowing that you won’t have to wake up Christmas morning or start Hanukkah alone.

Knowing that they will be there to wish you Happy New Year.

There is something so very beautiful about all of that…

There is nothing quite like a holiday homecoming. To be together again during the time of year you want to be with your family the most. To know that you finished a deployment and the strength that brings you.

As I stood out watching the runaway on that December day, I remember being so cold. But that didn’t matter. The best part was watching that plane land, watching my husband walk down the steps, and knowing he would be in my arms again soon.

I knew I still had so many things to do to get ready for Christmas. Time doesn’t stop just because your spouse is coming home from a deployment. But knowing that I would no longer be waiting for him while wrapping presents and getting all the last-minute holiday things done felt refreshing.

There is something so beautiful about a holiday homecoming.

If you are lucky enough to be getting ready for one, know that you will be in for a treat. All homecomings are amazing, but having one so close to the holidays will allow this homecoming to have a special place in your heart. One you will associate with holiday cheer and the wonder of the season.

Whether there is snow on the ground in upstate New York or the sun on your back in Hawaii, there is nothing quite like a holiday homecoming. Having your spouse return just in time for the magic, will put a smile on your face. Having your spouse home for the festivities is a wonderful thing.

Have you ever had a holiday homecoming?

Feeling Strong as a MilSpouse, It Doesn’t Always Happen

by 1 Comment

“We are military spouses, we are strong, we can do anything that comes our way!”

We hear this a lot. How strong we are. How we can get through anything. And while I know we can get through so much, it isn’t always as simple as that. Sometimes military life punches us right in the gut, and that isn’t the easiest to recover from. And the last thing we might be feeling at that time is strong.

The truth of the matter is we as military spouses want to feel strong. We want to believe we can take anything that comes our way, and for the most part we do. But, it is never that simple. 

There are so many different emotions during a deployment. From sadness to excitement, to feeling strong to feeling weak. And the truth is, there is no one right way to feel. Some days you might be on the verge of tears, others you are rocking around your living room because you just hit four months down.

Don’t put the pressure on yourself to always have to feel strong. Because you won’t always feel that way. Some days you will, some days you won’t. What you can do is work to remind yourself that you can do this, no matter how long they might be away. Here is how to do that.

  • Remember what you have already been through. For me, that can be a 15-month deployment or even a short one with two young boys, and a baby. I think about all the time I have been away from my husband and how I was able to grow through that. It helps me put this current situation into perspective. 
  • Change up your routine. Sometimes all we need is to change things up. Maybe this is you deciding that every Friday will now be pizza night. Maybe it is you deciding you need to cancel a few events during the week as the burnout is hitting you hard.

Don’t worry too much about feeling or not feeling strong. Figure out how to make it through the harder days, and you will find that inner strength. You have been through things that you can look back and say, “wow I did it and I can do it again.” 

In addition to this, you can also help other spouses find their strength. You can help one another out, and help each other get to the finish line. Because sometimes when we are feeling strong, others around us are not. And we can here there to help them, just like they help us when the time comes.

Yes, military spouses are strong. We pretty much have to be. But feeling strong isn’t always possible. And sometimes that can make us feel less then.

Just remember that this is normal. Military spouse life is really a mix of emotions, and you won’t always feel like you can conquer the world. And that really is okay. I promise.

Twas the Night Before Christmas…Milspouse Style

by

Twas the Night Before Christmas...Milspouse Style

I get commissions for purchases made through some of the links in this post.

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, no one was stirring, except one military spouse.

She knew what tonight was, but wasn’t feeling the cheer, her husband of 12 years was simply not here.

He was serving his country, on deployment #4, she simply couldn’t wait until April, when he would walk through the door.

Her kids were in bed, excited for morning, they didn’t want to go, despite her stern warning.

She looked at a picture, taken last year, when he was home beside her and she didn’t have much to fear.

But this year was different, and he was far away, but she still wanted to try to have a wonderful Christmas day.

She put on some music, and finished her last chore, she loved her sweet family, down to the core.

Christmas was special and a time to love, and she would get through this deployment, with help from above.

Her husband was deployed, and that made her sad, but thinking of her children Christmas morning made her heart very glad.

She turned out the light, and headed to bed, loving the lights of the tree, both green and red.

As hard as it was, she found her inner strength, she could handle this deployment, no matter the length.

Solo parenting was hard, and she hated missing him, but she knew in the end, it wasn’t so grim.

She had her friends, and her children by her side, and would take this deployment day by day even if she sometimes cried.

Because one day in April, would be homecoming day, and she would load up her children in her van, not a sleigh.

And they would head to the gym, where they would need to wait, with the other spouses and children on this very important date.

As a military spouse, we can spend Christmas alone, but we do what we can to warm up our home.

She would spot him right away, standing in the crowd, and when it was time they would run to him proud.

So if you are a military spouse, with your love far away, I want you to know you will get through Christmas Day.

It might not be exactly like before, but Christmas has magic you just can’t ignore.

Merry Christmas to all and know that it’s true, you got this military spouse, you absolutely do.

The Truth About Missing Your Spouse

by

The Truth About Missing Your Spouse

He had been gone a few months, and I was getting used to the deployment. As if you could get used to living without your spouse. I was at that point where missing him went pretty deep.

I missed him being around. I missed the time we had together. I missed him coming home from work. I missed everything about him.

But then I reminded myself that missing your spouse is a part of the military spouse package.

The Truth About Missing Your Spouse

Deployments will happen. He will be gone. And I will miss him. 

When they first deploy, you miss their presence in your home. You miss them being there on a lazy Saturday and being there for your kids. But months into the deployment, missing them feels different.

The truth about missing your spouse is that sometimes you get used to doing so and other times you miss them so much you feel like your heart is going to burst. And you can have both of these feelings in the same week.

You can get to a point where them being gone is your norm. You have your routine. You feel as though you can make it through the deployment. Then one day you wake up and realize you haven’t kissed them in six months and you will have to wait for a few more.

You walk by a couple and feel pains of jealousy even though you have never met them before.

Even the simplest of things like holding hands when you are walking down the street seems like a huge loss. 

You miss the silly jokes and the flirting you guys do with one another.

You laugh at how you used to get annoyed when he worked an extra hour. You would give anything for that now.

You know he could be gone longer, but all you want at the moment is for him to be home ASAP.

You talk yourself into doing something fun, even if you are not in the mood to do so.

You smile for your kids, hug them while they cry, and try to reassure them that Daddy will be home soon, even if it is going to be a while.

Missing someone on a day-to-day basis is exhausting.

You will feel that catching up with you. Breathe. Try to find ways to relax. Try to find ways to connect with each other, even from overseas.

Know that all you are doing is getting through X amount of days before you will be together again. This is just a number. Your number might be long, your number might just be a few weeks, but you just need to get through them.

During my hardest days, I remind myself that all I need to do is get through those days the best way that I can. I plan things, I write in my journal, I remember all the fun times we have had and know we will have more in the future.

Missing your spouse is going to be difficult. This is a good thing.

That means you guys are connected, that you love one another, and when you are apart it can hurt.

That doesn’t mean you will be sad 100% of the time. That doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy yourself. At the end of the day, you have to live your life, even without them.

Staying in bed for a nine-month deployment simply isn’t an option.

The truth about missing your spouse is in the end, the distance makes you stronger. You figure out ways to get through those days apart. You learn how to communicate in ways you didn’t have to in the past. You learn not to take one another for granted.

If you are in a period of time where you are missing your spouse, know that you are not alone. So many other military spouses, as well as other spouses, are going through the same thing. You will get through this. You will make it to the other side.

What do you to help yourself when you are really missing your spouse?

Looking for more deployment posts?

When the Holidays Don’t Feel Like the Holidays

by

When the Holidays Don't Feel Like the Holidays

The holidays are here! You want to be excited, you want to go all-in, but…what do you do when your spouse is deployed? When they are off in Iraq, Afghanistan, Africa, or some other part of the world too many miles from where you are? What do you do when you just don’t feel like doing Christmas? When you just don’t feel like setting anything up? When you just want the holidays to be over so you will be closer to homecoming and seeing your spouse again?

When your spouse is deployed during this time of year, the holidays don’t always feel like the holidays. You might want to skip them altogether, or just wish away time to the new year when the holidays are over. You might not be feeling like you even have much to celebrate. But you do.

I think most military spouses will go through this at one time or another.

Here are some ideas to help if you are feeling like the holidays and not the holidays this year:

Don’t pressure yourself 

One of the biggest issues with social media is comparing yourself to other families. And this seems to get worse during the holidays. The thing is, you don’t have to do things the way others do.

Is there something that overwhelms you at the thought of having to do it? Don’t. Or maybe there is something you normally do with help from your spouse, and you simply don’t have the energy to do so this year. That’s okay too.

Find what works for your family and don’t worry about what everyone else is doing. Take the pressure off yourself. Your holiday season will be much easier that way.

Add a new tradition

Why not try a new tradition this year? Something for you and your kids to get excited about. Are you stationed overseas? If so, why not adopt a tradition of the country you are stationed in? Adding something new can be just what you need to get excited about this holiday season, even if your spouse is deployed.

Plan for celebrating later

If your spouse is coming home early in the new year, you could always save the celebrating for then. If you have very small children or no children, this can work well. Older, school-age children might have trouble with this so you could have a small celebration with plans for a bigger one later. As military families, we have to be flexible and this is one way to do so during a deployment.

Fake it until you make it

Sometimes you simply have to fake it until you make it. Make a list of all the holiday things you normally do and try to work on a few a day, even if you don’t feel like it. Getting started with getting ready for the holidays can help you get in the mood. Involve your kids because you know they are going to be excited about the holidays no matter what.

Put on a Christmas movie, light a holiday candle, or take the kids to see Santa. Do something that can really put you in the holiday mood. This can help you get there, even if you are not sure if it will work.

What have you done to help during the holidays when you don’t feel like celebrating because they are deployed?

Making Time For Yourself During a Deployment

by

Making Time For Yourself During a Deployment

When your spouse is deployed, finding time for yourself is a lot more complicated. There is always so much to do. And, there is no way to get it all done.

You hear about practicing self-care, but that doesn’t seem possible at the moment. You are always so tired and are not sure when you could find the time to take a bubble bath or read a book. You know you need to relax but you can’t figure out how at the moment.

Breathe

The truth is, finding time for yourself during a deployment is going to take some planning. If you wait for it naturally to come to you, it probably won’t. You need to take some steps so you can figure out how you can make time for yourself.

The reality is, if you keep going and going and don’t ever stop, you will burn yourself out. You need to figure out how to help yourself, even within a crazy schedule. You need to figure out what works for you.

Self-care is very specific to each person. Some people love to get their nails done. They find doing so very relaxing. I really don’t. It’s just not my thing. But, I would love to sit at a coffee shop for hours with a good book.

The key is finding what you love and what you can do. If you have small children and a deployed spouse, you can’t just leave to go take time to yourself, you have to plan for it.

You might be able to hire a babysitter, trade babysitting with a friend, or take advantage of CDC hours.

You can also find some of that self-care time after your kids go to bed. I did this all the time during our early deployments. I would try to keep to an earlier bedtime for my kids so I had a few hours to myself before I went to bed.

Being able to make that time for myself was a must. I couldn’t imagine not doing so. Being able to somewhat relax recharged me and allowed me to be the best mom I could be, even during a deployment.

Often time, especially us moms, assume we can’t even find time to take a shower or take a short break. The truth is, some seasons will be harder to do so than others, but that doesn’t mean it is impossible to do so.

Our mental health is important, and during a deployment, we have to be really aware of how we are doing emotionally. Many military spouses are going through depression or anxiety, or both. We have to figure out ways to help get through what we are dealing with in a healthy manner.

Making Time For Yourself During a Deployment

Here are some self-care resources to help:

Self-Care for MILSOs Ebook by Mrs. Navy Mama

14 Self-Care Books You Should Definitely Read This Year

Self-Care: 12 Ways to Take Better Care of Yourself

Military Child Care Programs

Let Brave Crate Get You Through a Deployment

See what you can do to change things up and give yourself permission to take time for yourself. You will be so glad you did!