During a deployment, we milspouses have to do what we can to keep the household running. We struggle to keep things together and often have tear-filled nights as we make our way through the time our spouse has to be away. Then we have our kids.
We worry about them too because they are missing one of their parents. For those of us who grew up in non-military homes, the idea of being away from one parent for so long can be foreign.
How can you help your kids during a deployment? Here are 10 ideas.
1. Give them information
Based on the ages of your kids, explain to your children where your spouse is, what they will do, and anything else you feel comfortable sharing. If your spouse has sent you photos, share those with them. You don’t want to scare your children, but if they can have an idea of where their mom or dad is, that can help.
2. Remind them it is not their fault
Some children might assume that they could have done something to cause their parent to leave. Assure them that this is not the case. That their mom or dad has a job to do, and if they could be home with them, they would be. Assure them that they love them very much and will miss them when they are away.
3. Encourage them to talk
If your children are old enough, encourage them to talk to you about their feelings. Kids can hold things in, but talking about what is going on is important. Some schools, both on base and off, have deployment groups for kids who are going through one. See if your child can join those groups, and let them know you are always there with a listening ear.
4. Talk about your spouse
Talk about your spouse often. Share silly stories and bring up memories that you had together. Have photos around the house and in scrapbooks. For babies, you can put photos near their crib so they can get used to seeing the face of their mom or dad.
5. Have a plan for the difficult days
There are going to be difficult days for any kid. Whether they are acting out or just sad, they will need a pick-me-up. Make plans for those days. Go out for ice cream, see a movie, or take them to a particular park or playground. Find something fun to do that will help them get through the stressful day.
6. Schedule fun activities
Have a Taco Tuesday, and on Fridays, get a pizza and rent a movie. Schedule these fun, regular nights, so your children have things to look forward to each week. Find out what is going on both on and off base in your area. Fill up your calendar and get out and explore.
7. Have them help with care packages
When you are sending a care package, have them help you put everything together. They can color pictures or the box and help you pack everything in. They can also write letters to their mom or dad and let them know they can do so as often as they want to. If they are older, have them make the whole care package themselves. Something special they can send to mom or dad overseas.
8. Have a count up.
With kids, having a countdown can be a bit tricky if things change, but having a count-up can be a lot of fun. You can put pennies in a jar, candy, or whatever it is you want to do to look at how much time you have gone through. On the more challenging days, you can remind them of what you all have been through.
The truth is, different children handle deployments in various ways. Some will show their sadness through tears, others will act out, and some will have a very “this is the way it is” attitude about everything. Remember to talk with your child and base your response on their personality. Seek extra help if you need to, and know that you and your child will get through this time apart.
March, 2006. My 18-month-old son and I got on an airplane at the St. Louis airport, after saying goodbye to my mom, not knowing when I would see her again. We were headed to Germany, and she had come out to help me with the last few steps before we could make our way across the ocean.
The previous November, my husband of three years had re-joined the military and headed over to Germany. We were due to join him shortly after, but the military being the military, it took us about 4.5 months to do so.
What is This New Life?
I remember being on post soon after arriving, watching a group of soldiers march by and thinking, “Wow, this is really our life now, isn’t it?” It was surreal at first. We had completely changed our lives. Army wife life meant my husband went from being home by 5 every workday to being deployed for 15 months. Solo parenting hit me hard. And we were now in a completely different country.
As the years went by, we experienced new and different things. Some good, like making friends during the more difficult times, to visiting other places and countries. Some bad, like a deployment extension, and having to navigate special needs parenting all by myself.
Life is Different Now in the Veteran Years
Today, my husband is a veteran. The military years are in our past, and sometimes I can hardly believe it. The military was so much a part of our lives for so many years. But time marched on. One year became two, became ten, became 20.
As I look back, it feels, in some ways, like a dream. For so long, a deployment was always in our future. For so long, the military had so much say. For so long, it seemed that it would never end. That it would always be this way.
Do I miss military life? Parts of it. I sure do.
Other parts? Not so much. But going through all that made me the person I am today.
The Military Community Can Help Each Other Out
So whether you just started your military spouse journey, or have been in this life for a while. Whether your spouse just retired or retired ages ago. One thing is true: we are all a part of the military spouse community.
Those of us who have come before can help support those going through it now. We can help each other out.
Military life isn’t easy. But it is a journey. One with ups and downs. If you are going through a difficult time right now, know you have the support of those who have gone before you. Those who can offer a hug and an encouraging note. You got this. You really do.
Here at Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life, you can find support no matter what branch your spouse is in. You can find posts about deployment, PCSing, or anything else military life throws at you. You can find encouraging stories in the new Military Spouse Spotlight section. And if you, military spouse, ever want to share your own story? Fill out my Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life Guest Post Form.
You never thought this day would come, you held on to the hope that something would change. That they really wouldn’t have to go, or that you would get some extra time together.
But it is now the night before they deploy, the last night to say goodbye, and you are trying to keep it all together.
The sooner they leave, the sooner the deployment will be over. And then life can get back to normal. At least on the surface.
You have been through this before, but this time seems different. Deployments always seem so different, no matter how many you go through.
You are worried about your kids, you are worried about yourself. You want to rock this deployment, but right now you are just wondering how you will make it through each day. You want to thrive vs just survive during this deployment, but that seems like a big task.
Your anxiety is up, your anxiety always goes up when they deploy. You think about all the things you can do to help, you hope that something does.
On this night before they deploy, you think about all you have been through together. You remember your dating years, your wedding, your first year together. You think about your future, what may be, what you hope will be.
You are fully aware of the dangers of serving in a war zone, but you hope and you pray that your spouse will come back to you. You hope and pray your friends can have that happen too. You hope and pray for a deployment where everyone returns…not sure how possible that even is.
You hope you can find your groove this deployment like you did last time. You figured out how to do this before, you should be able to do it again. Your friend circle has changed, but you hope that you can make plenty of good memories with your new friends, just like you did last time.
As you watch your spouse, this night before they deploy, you think about how many times you have had to watch them go.
When they left for basic training, a few years into your marriage.
When they deployed the first time when your son was only a year old.
When they left for JRTC, to prepare for this deployment.
You remind yourself you have been through this before, even though you will never get used to saying goodbye. You remind yourself that you are strong and can support your spouse in this way. You remind yourself that you are creative and always figure it out.
But you are worried too. Worried that this deployment will be too long. Worried that this deployment will be too hard. Worried that this deployment might break you…hours before they even have to go.
You want to enjoy this last night together. You don’t want the time together to be filled with tears. There will be time for tears later.
On this night before they deploy, you try to focus on what you can accomplish when they are gone. You make a list of deployment goals. You make notes of what you hope to get done.
As you lay your head on your pillow that night, you hold back the tears as they hold you one last time before they go. You know the morning will come soon, too soon. You know this time together is limited.
You drift off to sleep, and before you know it is the morning of the deployment. They are already up, getting ready. You don’t want to get up, if you do, all of this becomes reals. But you do it anyway.
And soon it is time to leave, to get into the car, to drive them to where they have to go.
And then you are saying goodbye. You are letting go. One last hug, one last kiss. And one more just because.
They say goodbye to the kids, they say goodbye to you, and they walk away, to start another deployment, another time apart.
As a military spouse, you know deployments are part of the deal. You know that saying goodbye is a part of the deal. You know that this won’t be the last time you will have to say goodbye.
But you also know that you are strong enough for this. You are strong enough for another deployment. The time apart won’t always be easy, and the days might be more difficult than normal, but you are committed to getting through, even if just one day at a time.
Are you getting ready to go through a deployment? Make sure to check out my other deployment posts to help you through.
Military life is hard, we all know that. Military families have to deal with so many challenges. Military children do too. Military spouses have to take on pretty much everything and sometimes the stress can feel like too much.
Sometimes the deployments are just too close together or they are too long or there is just too much loneliness because of frequent moves. Sometimes military life breaks you.
What do you do if you are in a place where it feels like too much? What can you do if you feel broken? You know you are not going to walk away from your spouse but you know you need to do something.
You know how important their military career is, but you feel like you can’t keep going on like this. You are lost and just not sure what you can do to get through the next few months or years until military life is over.
1) Get Back To Your Faith. No matter what religion you follow, you do put your faith in something. Cling to it. Pray. Meditate. Grow in your faith.
Try to find a good place to go each week. Look at what your post or base has to offer. Look online to see what you can discover locally. Write in a journal, sing, go for long walks. Find a way to find some peace in the midst of this lifestyle.
2) Don’t be afraid to get help. Sometimes the best thing to do is call for help. Find someone you can talk with. Someone you can talk to about what is going on. Someone that won’t judge and someone who can give you some good advice on how to deal with what you are dealing with.
If you feel like you need some extra help you can find a Military Family Life Consultant to talk with or make an appointment with a local provider. Tricare will cover up to 8 sessions without needing a referral. Just call up the provider and let them know you have Tricare and they should be able to help you from there. I had to do this during our 4th deployment and doing so was worth the time.
3) Let Things Go. Seriously. Let it go. Don’t worry about what isn’t important. Some of what you stress about matters, and some of what you stress about doesn’t matter at all.
Let go of trying to be a perfect military spouse. For one thing, no one is a perfect military spouse and you will drive yourself crazy trying to be one. Do what you can each day and let the rest of everything go.
4) Depend on your friends. If someone offers to babysit, let them. If someone offers to mow your lawn, let them. If someone wants to bring you dinner, let them.
Get together with friends. Make dates with them. Join them for coffee or a playdate. Invite them over for dinner. Friends will get you through, even if they don’t 100% understand what you are currently dealing with.
If someone is making you feel bad, let them go. Surround yourself with supportive people. If you don’t have any local friends, join a club, playgroup or even start one yourself. Find something you enjoy doing and look for others that enjoy that too.
5) Make Time For Yourself. Read that book. Watch that movie. Start writing your book.
Make a list of all the things that make you happy. When you get really upset, start going down your list. Try to surround yourself with things you enjoy.
You might have to work ten hours a day. You might be with kids from 6 am to 8 pm. But whatever time you have for yourself, enjoy every minute of that time. Even just 30 minutes a day can help.
Making time for yourself as a military spouse is very important. Even something as simple as picking up some flowers and putting them in a vase on your kitchen table can help with your mood.
We can’t change a lot of what military life is going to bring. There will be deployments and trainings and too many goodbyes. There will be lonely nights and tearful goodbyes.
However, when you are a military spouse, you have to figure out a way to make it through. Even when you feel like military life is breaking you. Do what you can to figure out how to get to a better place. This will help your spouse in their career and will help you in living a fuller military life.
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I wrote this post a day before my husband left on his 4th deployment. No OPSEC rules have been broken.
This is the last day. How did this happen so fast? The deployment was coming up for so long and now the day is almost here. He is at work. They have him at work the day before he goes. Why Army why? You get him for the next nine months, why can’t I have him all day today?
I just want to freeze time…but then I don’t. I want time to move forward, but I don’t want to have to spend all that time without him.
Nine months. Maybe more. Maybe less. I will take each day at a time, each hour, if I have to.
Some days will be good. We will have fun, and we won’t miss him quite as much. Other days will be hard. There will be a lot of tears, and Homecoming will feel so far away.
Will he be ok? Will we see him again? These are the questions I have to ask. I have to. Not everyone comes home from war. Most likely, he will. The odds are in our favor. But still…I wonder. Is this it? Is this all we have?
I dread tomorrow.D day. The day he leaves.
The driving to drop him off. The last kiss. The last hug. Watching the person I tell everything to walk away is heartbreaking. Knowing they will be in danger is terrifying. Thinking about living apart makes me bawl.
Deployment #4. How did we get here? How is it possible? It hasn’t even been TWO years yet. Uh!
So many emotions. So many feelings.
I dread the first day. I walk around the house, looking at his stuff—from the coffeemaker he won’t be using for a while to his clothes that won’t be worn until next year. I remember how the night before he left, we sat together and watched that one movie, how just a couple of days ago we were out back BBQing together, and how last year at this time, we were getting ready for a family trip to California.
I think about how much he will miss.
Summer. The start of school. Birthdays. Halloween. Thanksgiving. Christmas. All that comes with the holiday season. The snow might come, and he will still be over there.
I think about what I will focus on to get through: my boys, my blog, my garden, my books.
I wonder how much I will grow as a person. I wonder how much he will grow.
How will we be different? Will we struggle to connect again? Will this be the deployment that breaks us?
As I sit here, the day before my husband has to go, all I can feel is dread. Knowing that this time tomorrow, I will be in tears. But also knowing that this time tomorrow is one day closer to his returning, and our countdown can begin.
Deployment #2, my husband left, and it was just me, my two-year-old, and my four-year-old. A deployment with two toddlers.
If you have ever had a toddler, you know how much work they can be. Toddlers are a handful, even the easy ones. And here I was home with two of them, with my husband too many miles away.
I was a SAHM and didn’t have a spouse coming home at the end of the day. I didn’t have a spouse who could watch the kids for 15 minutes so that I could take a shower. A spouse that could help pick up the house after the kids went to bed. A spouse who I could have adult conversations with after the kids went to bed.
During a deployment, I didn’t have him to be home with the boys so I could go out for a few hours by myself. I didn’t have him to be home when I went out to dinner with my friends. And that part of solo parenting just made life with a toddler a little more complicated.
Whether you are a stay at home mom, with the kids at home during the day, or a working mom, whose kids go to daycare, going through a deployment with toddlers is going to be a challenge.
You will have days that drain you, and days you feel like you got this.
You will have days where you wonder how you will get through, and you will have days when you know that you can. Here are a few things to keep in mind if you are going through a deployment with toddlers:
Find some good friends you can have playdates with. Find people you can vent to about what your kids are doing that is stressing you out. Find people who understand when you are having a bad day and just need something extra to help you smile.
Find fun activities you can do with your kids. See if you receive any free hours at hourly care. Hourly care will be your lifesaver. You can also trade babysitting with friends. Find a way to have some time to yourself, even if you spend it grocery shopping.
Remember, things will not always be this way. You won’t always be the only adult in the house. You won’t be the only one to be able to keep up with the cleaning. You won’t be the only one who is there to take care of the kids.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. This is hard, especially when you are surrounded by other moms solo parenting their kids too. This is when trading things like babysitting or even cooking meals can be a good idea. Get creative and find ways to help one another out.
Don’t feel you like you have to do everything people want you to do. Family will want you to come visit, if you think traveling solo with toddlers is too much, ask if someone can come see you instead. Maybe an after deployment trip with all of you would be better. On the other hand, going home for an extended visit with your kids can allow you to have a bit of a break while your family can help you. Weigh the pros and cons and figure out what will work for you.
Deployments with kids can be difficult, no matter the age. Having a toddler is just simply tiring and being the only parent during that stage can make things more complicated. Find ways to stay busy, connect with other people, and take each day as it comes.
What helps you the most if you are going through a deployment with toddlers? What tips could you offer other moms?
Solo parenting was one of the first things I experienced as a new military spouse. And as challenging as I found it, I learned quickly that I would be doing a lot of solo parenting in the years to come. Sometimes it would be for long periods of time as in the case of deployments, and other times for just a weekend of a few weeks of training as a National Guard spouse.
There is no one perfect way to get through times of solo parenting. Sometimes you just take that season of your life one day at a time. Here are 25 quick tips for solo parenting through a deployment to help you on your military spouse journey:
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Really. Try to let it go as much as possible.
Keep any important documents you might need in a safe and handy spot. If you need a birth certificate, you will know exactly where to go to get it.
Track all appointments, activities, and events. Write it all down. You are the only adult and you can’t possibly remember everything.
Make daily, weekly, and monthly to-do lists. This also goes with writing everything down.
Plan your meals in advance. Get pizza once a week. Have sandwich nights.
Create an arts and crafts center in your home. Have the kids make stuff to send to the deployed parent. Plus, it’s a good way to keep them busy on boring days.
Go to the library. Check out some books. Figure out what programs they have. Libraries are great places and offer a lot of things to do.
Plan multiple playdates a week. Your kids will love it, and so will you. Still meeting people? Go to the park and try to find new friends, for both you and your kids.
Celebrate all the things. Birthdays, holidays, 50 days in, etc. Celebrate it all! In any way you want.
Have virtual parties including your service member.
Send fun care packages. Allow the kids to help you.
Keep up with all medical appointments, including your own. You don’t want to get behind.
Have a list of phone numbers you can call in an emergency situation. Can anyone watch your kids if you have to go to the ER? Who do you call if you need a plumber? Having all these numbers together will give you a bit of peace of mind even if you never have to use them.
Encourage your children to talk about how they are feeling during the deployment. This time apart from one parent can be hard on them too, however, each child handles deployments differently.
Create movie nights or pizza nights. Invite friends and neighbors. Create those fun memories with you and your kids.
Figure out ways to have one-on-one time with each child if you have more than one. Maybe that is taking one for ice cream while the other is in school, or letting an older child stay up for special time with you.
Continue your bedtime routines, but tweak them a little to make them work a bit better while your spouse is away. This could mean moving them up by 30 minutes or adding special prayers for the deployment parent.
Remember, self-care is important, even if you have to be creative to find ways to get it. Take some time for yourself in any way you can. Maybe it is having a nice bubble bath, maybe it is just sitting out on your balcony for 15 minutes after bedtime, but find ways to relax. You will need it during seasons of solo parenting.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. I know this is hard to do. But sometimes we do need that help from someone else.
Find hobbies you can focus on. Hobbies that make you smile and bring you joy.
Create a chore chart for your kids, even preschoolers can do something to help. You can all work together to run the household.
Create a deployment budget. Especially if your service member will be making extra money during the deployment. You want to make sure you are making your money work for you and not just spending without thinking, which can be easy to do. Save, pay down debt, and allow yourself some grace when it comes to what you spend.
Make a list of people you can call just to chat with when you are feeling down. Find people, either family or friends, that will listen to you vent, and encourage you as a solo parent.
Find local support groups or other types of groups to keep meeting people. You can even find online support groups.
Go for a walk. Walk around your neighborhood, the mall, or a local park. Whatever works. Try to get out and walk on a regular basis. Not only is walking good exercise, it is also good for the soul.
The deployment begins, and you get into a routine. You have good deployment days and bad deployment days. Then, you hit a slump. Still, so many months left to go. Still, so many more deployment days to get through. Then, you get a homecoming date.
If you have been through a deployment before, you know this date will change. At the same time, you know that simply having a date is a good sign. It means things are wrapping up. It means you are getting close to the end of a deployment.
Having that date means that there is probably a unit ready to replace your spouse’s unit. It means that boxes from the desert will start to appear on your doorstep and it means that you will be told to no longer send any mail.
All these signs together are good ones that tell you, the military spouse, that your deployment days are coming to an end.
And then, somehow, someway, you have made it, and you have one week left of the madness. One week left of sleeping alone. One week left of being both mom and dad to your children.
That last week of deployment isn’t going to be easy. Even though you are at the end, even though you can now countdown in hours, that last week will drive you crazy.
You are almost there. You are almost done but not quite. You are almost to the end of a deployment.
You still have to wait. Through flight changes, weather scares, and anything else that might get in your way.
Your mind will play tricks on you, worried that things will change and they will get extended. You worry about what things will be like when they get back home. You wonder how your children will do and what your spouse will think of the changes you have made during the time they have been away.
That last week will be exhausting. You might not be able to sleep. You might not even want to eat. You will clean your home and then clean it again, forgetting that your spouse isn’t going to care if it passes a white glove test.
You will want time to fly and yet feel like you are not going to be ready for the day they come home.
That last week is a weird time as you run around getting everything done and also counting down the seconds until you see your spouse again.
You will be asking a friend to come with you to take photos or booking a photographer. You will be finalizing your homecoming outfit. You will be wondering what to have on hand for that first meal together or wonder if it would be best to stop for food on the way home from picking them up.
You will reflect on the months they were away. On the memories, you made without them. On the friendships, you developed. You will start to think about how your friendships will in fact change once your spouses are back home, especially if one of you is supposed to PCS sometimes soon after homecoming.
You will look at your children and remember how little they were when their mom or dad left.
You will wonder what life will be like parenting in person again and what fun things your family can do together now, as a full family.
You will look back and see how strong you have been. You will see the months that went by, the long deployment road you walked along, sometimes crawled along to get yourself to the finish line.
You might be worried that your spouse will come home different. That your already rocky marriage might not survive reintegration. You are not sure if you will go through with that divorce or seek the counseling you think that you need.
For some, that last week of deployment is a terrifying time when you are just not sure what life will be like, and that scares you. The truth is, reintegration can be the hardest part of a deployment, and it shouldn’t be taken lightly. You have changed, they have changed, and now you need to work together to get started on the post-deployment chapter of your lives.
Deployments are a part of military life. They start, then they end, and all the time in between is you figuring out how to get through them, even if that is taking it one day at a time.
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