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Embrace the Suck: Advice to a MilSpouse Going Through Your First Deployment.

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Happy to have this guest post by Megan on her best advice for a military spouse. Please email me at Julie@soldierswifecrazylife.com and let me know if you would like to write a guest post for Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life too.

Embrace the Suck: Advice to a MilSpouse Going Through Your First Deployment.

I just spend 3 hours on the phone with a spouse friend discussing spouses going through their first deployment. She’s a seasoned spouse who has been through her own trials and tribulations with deployments. I am a spouse going through my first deployment.

The more we talked the more I realized how different all her experiences are from my first. I guess the bottom line is it doesn’t matter if it’s your first or you’re tenth deployment. It doesn’t matter if it’s a 6-month deployment or a year deployment. It all sucks. So, the question is how to embrace the suck of a deployment.

I use the saying embrace the suck a lot when talking about my deployment experience. It’s become my deployment motto. It sounds harsh but it’s true.

When you are dealing with a deployment you must embrace the suck. We don’t like it. We don’t want to do it. It’s hard.

But there is nothing we can do about it. The truth is….it sucks, and we must rise to the occasion and survive it. So…. embrace the suck.

There is a lot of negative feelings surrounding the word deployment. When I married the military, I never heard one good thing that involved a deployment. It’s either terrible or sad.

The only good thing I can remember seeing or hearing is the welcome home videos online. Those are like Hallmark movies and always hit you in the feel-goods. Doesn’t matter how tough you are, watch one of those videos and you will cry! Outside of the welcome home, there isn’t a lot of good being said about a deployment.

So…. I’m going to share my suck and the positives of my first deployment. Here’s my advice for spouses going through their first deployment. Are you ready?!?!?

Pre-deployment is terrible. 

There will be fighting. You will not see eye to eye on anything. You as a spouse will want to cherish everything you do together or as a family. You will want to cling to him, hug him, kiss him and you will cry a lot. 

He will not. He is preparing to leave you. Most service members take this time to emotionally separate from their spouses. 

Do not take this personally. They are packing bags and getting ready to do one of the hardest things they have to do……leave their families. It’s not easy for them to walk away but it’s their duty. Understand that it’s mission first and their way of dealing with being away from you at this point.

Once they leave, they will call home and sound super happy and excited. 

You will not be being happy or excited. You will still be sad and adjusting to your empty house, your new single parent responsibilities, or an empty house. 

They will be living their best life. I know this is hard to understand but that’s a good thing. You want them to be happy. You want them to be excited. 

I once told a spouse who was frustrated with this. It’s so much better to hear your deployed spouse is living their best life than them calling you miserable. If they call you miserable, that’s when you understand you cannot help them.

It will break your heart; you will feel completely helpless and, in all honesty, there is nothing you can do for them. So, when your spouse calls home telling you how amazing it that’s a good thing. Even when life isn’t that great for you now.

I will say I am not one of those spouses who will tell you to hide your emotions from your deployed spouse.

I know there are a lot of spouses out there that will tell you not to tell your service member the bad stuff going on at home. You’re supposed to tell them it’s all rainbows, sunshine, and glitter. You’re not supposed to cry. 

However, I am one of those spouses that will tell you to openly communicate with your service member. Your service member needs to know how you are feeling, that you miss them, that it’s been a hard day and that Murphy moved into your home.

I’m not saying blow the phone up but don’t emotionally shut down. Your service member still needs to know things just like when they are having a hard time, they will need you.

Murphy will move into your home. 

Murphy’s law says if it will go wrong it will. Murphy will be like the boyfriend you can’t break up with. Stuff you never imaged would happen will happen.

You will have to watch YouTube videos and learn to do all kinds of stuff you never dreamed you would do. Keep in mind this is a good thing and brag to your service member. After all, not every spouse can fix a hot water heater! FYI lawn mowers need oil. Not sure who needs to hear this, but they do!

Your service member will have hard days. 

There will be days when something happens, and they need you. You need to be able to give them a pep talk.

Love them from a distance and be supportive. Even when you are having a bad day. You need to be prepared to be there for them. Sometimes at the end of the day, they might be having a harder day than you are. Please recognize that and support them the best way you can.

Find your tribe!!! 

And I don’t mean a tribe of civilian friends. I mean a tribe of military friends. A tribe that can understand, keep your secrets, and gives you guidance. I would not be able to survive all the cray of a deployment without my tribe of military spouses. They will guide you, love one (even from afar), and being your sounding board. You cannot do a deployment without a military spouse tribe.

Prepare yourself for the phone calls, texts, and video chats to tapper off. 

There will come a time when the communication slacks off. This does not mean something is wrong. This means your service member is doing their job or enjoying some downtime. 

Try not to take it personally if you do not feel emotionally connected to your service member. They are getting into their new normal just like you are. It’s a process.

I know it’s hard, it was for me. I didn’t like my husband being so far away and not wanting to constantly talk to me. But just like you are living your new life alone they are there to do a job so they can get back home to you.

Take some time to grieve. 

It took me two months to pick up my husbands’ shoes off the living room floor or to fold the last load of his laundry. Leave it there until you are ready. When you are you will know. There is not a rule book on how to handle these kinds of things. It’s hard. Take your time. When you’re ready to pick the shoes up, you will. 

Take this time apart as a positive thing. 

Don’t get me wrong, it’s hard, there will be bad days but try new things. Find new hobbies, go to school, focus on work, eat junk food in bed, and watch whatever you want on TV. Deployments do not mean it’s the end of a marriage or the world. It can be a great time for you to self-reflect and discover new things about yourself.

Remember deployment is temporary. 

I know going into a 13-month deployment it felt like it would last forever. It’s temporary. Your service member will come home. Everything you’re going through or will go through is temporary. Just keep that in the back of your mind, it will eventually end.

There will be anxiety when the end is coming.

I have not personally experienced the end of a deployment, yet. My husband is still gone right now. However, I did get to watch a homecoming of my best friend and her husband. 

Don’t worry about the perfect coming home outfit. Wear something comfortable. You really don’t know how you will react when you see your service member. 

When I saw my friend see her husband for the first time, she ran to him, threw her shoes off, and jumped in his arms. I realized I needed to wear pants and tennis shoes after watching them. It was the sweetest thing I have ever seen. Cue the Hallmark movie theme music and tears.

Finally, remember you are a military spouse! 

You married the military. You love your service member. You are strong. You have made it through TDYs, PCS, Schools, trainings, and anything else the military world throws at you. 

Some of you have had babies without your spouses, have raised babies without your spouse, faced all kinds of obstacles without your spouse and who knows what else. We can do this, and we will do this!

You will get through all the suck. You will cry, you will be lonely, you will have great days, you will have terrible days. It’s part of it but at the end of the day, YOU CAN DO IT!!! It’s what makes Military spouses special!

The best advice I can give it try to enjoy yourself. Take a vacation. Enjoy your alone time.

Spend time with friends and family. Go to school. Dive into work. Work in your yard. Crochet a blanket. Whatever it is that you have always wanted to do……do it!!!

It’s the perfect time to discover who you are. Love yourself and the time will pass. Remember embrace the suck. That’s all you can do. Embrace the suck and live your best life.

My name is Megan Davis. I have a full-time paying job and volunteer jobs that I love. I currently work as a Personnel Supervisor at Westaff where I match people in my community looking for jobs with companies looking for workers. I volunteer as the Family Readiness Group Leader for the 2-108 CAV Squadron in Shreveport. I work with Military Spouse Advocacy Network (MSAN) mentoring other National Guard Spouses. Following these passions, I was recognized as the 2020-2021 Louisiana National Guard Spouse of the Year. I love helping people, specifically military spouses. One of my main goals is to make sure military spouses know they are not alone when trying to navigate through the military world. I want to help give them the courage to speak out and help build a support system for them so they can make it through all the crazy things the military life throws at us. I am also a student at the University of Louisiana at Monroe for my bachelor’s degree in risk management. Graduating from ULM has been my biggest goal for years and I am proud to say I am almost there.

9 Things You Can Say To People Who Tell You They Could Never Do Military Spouse Life

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9 Things You Can Say To People Who Tell You They Could Never Do Military Spouse Life

I am sure you have heard it before, when you are telling a friend that your spouse has to deploy for six months. They look at you and say, “I could never do it.” And you just want to roll your eyes a bit because even though you understand what they are saying, you also sometimes feel like you couldn’t do it either. And that you only “do it” because you love your spouse and they happen to serve their country by serving in the military.

You know that they are probably not trying to be mean by saying this, but sometimes that phrase is hard to hear. As military spouses, we do what we have to do, even if we don’t like what is happening. Most military spouses wouldn’t say they love deployments but we work hard to find ways to cope through them.

So what is the best thing to say to people when they tell you this? How should you handle this topic?

Here are 9 ideas for what you can say to people who tell you they could never do military spouse life:

1.”I couldn’t either.”

The truth is, I used to say this. When we first started talking about my husband joining the Army, I said this. I didn’t think I could handle solo parenting or being away from him. But then things changed, and I was able to because I knew I had to just get through it. I knew that I had to support him, no matter how long he had to be away or how hard things got.

2. “Well, if your spouse were in the military, you would find a way.”

This is the thing; if you are married to a service member, you figure out how to do things you didn’t think you could. I would even say this is true for most people. Whether you are married to a service member or not, your life could bring you challenges and you figure out how to get through them, even if it is just one day at a time.

3. “Well, not all of us have to thankfully.”

Although this might come off a little bit snarky, luckily, not everyone has to be without their spouse. Not everyone has to deal with all the lonely nights. We live in a country where not everyone has to be away, fighting in a war.

9 Things You Can Say To People Who Tell You They Could Never Do Military Spouse Life

4. “Well, you just take it one day at a time.”

Really, that’s what we have to do. One day at a time. One hour at a time on some days. We just get through. We stay busy. We make friends. We figure out how to survive a deployment. One day down during a deployment is one day closer to them being home.

5. “With enough wine, chocolate, and Netflix you would be able to get through it too.”

Maybe instead of wine it is coffee, and maybe instead of chocolate it is ice cream, but we find ways to get through the time apart. Whether it is diving into a good book series or a new Netflix show. As military spouses, we have all sorts of tools in our deployment toolkit to get through a deployment.

6. “It’s hard, not going to lie.”

Sometimes we should just be honest with people. Military life is hard. We can’t sugarcoat that. We have days where all we can do is feed the kids and do a load of laundry. Survival mode is a thing and sometimes that is the only way through. But just because something is hard, it doesn’t mean we will automatically walk away, especially when it concerns our spouse.

7. “I would rather be married to my soldier than anyone else, so I deal with it.”

This is what it comes down to. We do this because we want to be married to the person who has decided to join the military. We would rather do this with them than have another life with someone else. And in most cases, the person you are talking to would do the same thing. They have just never had to think about living without their spouse before.

9 Things You Can Say To People Who Tell You They Could Never Do Military Spouse Life

8. “Hard things seem impossible until you have been faced with them yourself.”

I have friends that have been through the death of a child, death of a spouse, a divorce, or any other difficult situation. Life means these things might happen and they get through them just like anyone who has been faced with something that seems impossible. You never really know how strong you are until you stare the impossible in the face.

9. “Want to bring me dinner sometime?”

Why not ask that person for help? I know, it’s hard for us military spouses to ask for help but maybe when someone says, “I could never do it” to us, we could ask them for help. If they can recognize that a deployment is going to be a hardship for us, they are also probably willing to help you out, even in small ways.

While hearing, “I could never do it” can get frustrating, especially when so many people say it to us, we should remember that people don’t usually mean anything bad by it. They simply have not been in our shoes, and the thought of having to do what we do is scary. This is so human.

We can talk with our friends about what military life is really like; we can let them know that we do struggle but that we do it for a reason. We can tell them that we got this, as hard as it seems to them. We can explain that we don’t do this because we love being alone or love deployments, but we do it because we married a service member and want to support them in their career choice.

What do you say when someone says, “I could never do it” to you?

9 Things You Can Say To People Who Tell You They Could Never Do Military Spouse Life

Feeling Lonely When Your Spouse Goes Off To War

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My son was just about 22 months old when my husband first went off to war.

I was pregnant with our 2nd child and had no clue what to expect. Deployments were a whole new world for me. Luckily, I had a group of other wives whose husbands were in the same Company as mine. This made saying goodbye a little easier.

I remember after the men got on the buses. Sitting with a few other wives. Waiting to see them drive by so we could wave one more time.

As we sat there, we really didn’t know what we were really dealing with. We didn’t know then how hard the time apart would be, how long the deployment would last, and what the next 15 months would look like.

Feeling Lonely When Your Spouse Goes Off To War

We had no idea how lonely we would feel. 

I went home to my house with my little boy and we started the deployment. At first, the deployment felt manageable. My mom was going to come and stay with us for two months when the baby was supposed to come. I knew I would be busy with a newborn and a two-year-old.

My son was born, my husband came home for R&R, then he left again. My mom went home. My son got sick. He got better. Spring came.

As the months went on, the deployment got harder and harder.

The feeling of loneliness took over me. I remember sitting in my bathroom, after my son went to sleep, wondering how I was going to get through that time without my husband.

He is the one person I could talk to about anything. Even the silly things. The everyday things. The things spouses talk about with only one another.

By this point in the deployment, I wasn’t even able to talk to him that much. I think the longest we went was 30 days. 30 days without anything from my husband.

I felt like I was in a weird place. I knew I was married, but I didn’t feel like I was. I knew I had a husband out there that loved me, but it seemed like it was something from another time. Your mind can really play tricks on you.

Having a community to depend on is the #1 thing you can do when you reach this point of the deployment.

When you feel so lonely and you would give anything to have a real conversation with another adult. When you crave your spouse’s touch, but you know you have to wait for a while for that. Having a community of other spouses to talk about this with is what got me through those months.

When they told us that our husbands would be extended during the surge in Iraq in 2007, that they would not come home after a year, we all met at McDonald’s to let the kids play. We cried together and tried to figure out how we were going to get through this deployment extension. We knew we could not handle this alone. We knew we needed each other.

So while I still struggled with that loneliness, especially at night, when the house was quiet, I was glad to have a circle of friends around me who got what I was going through. That I could vent with, cry with, and get through the deployment with.

They made all of the difference and going into future deployments I learned that having that circle was a must.

Loneliness during a deployment can hit us hard.

We might assume we can avoid feeling lonely, especially if we have so many other things to focus on. But sometimes loneliness can hit when we least expect it. 

Sometimes loneliness hits during a trip to a grocery store, or when grabbing a cup of coffee. Sometimes it hits when watching a movie, or talking about something unrelated to military life. Sometimes that loneliness hits and we can’t get rid of it on our own.

When that loneliness hits, find ways to stay busy and get up and get moving. Write in a journal, take a long walk with your kids, or call a good friend. Find things you know you can do when the emotion hits you hard. Doing so is your best defense against loneliness. 

How do you handle loneliness during your spouse’s deployment???

There He Goes Again

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Man and woman holding hands.

There he goes again. Always leaving. Always working hard.

I will never get used to seeing him go. I will never not tear up when I think of it. I will never have to say goodbye without that moment causing me pain. But I know he has to go.

As a military spouse, I know that this life means that sometimes he will be far away from us. That we will have to watch him walk away. With his uniform on and his gear at his side.

There he goes again even though it feels like he just came home. Even if I wanted him to stay a bit longer. Even if I wanted him to be here with us instead.

When he signed the paperwork to do this, I stood by not knowing what it all meant. I knew there would be distance, but I didn’t know how badly that could hurt. I knew there would be pain, but I didn’t know the pain wouldn’t get easier as the years went by.

There he goes again. This time to fight a different battle.

This time in a different country. Going somewhere I could never visit. Going to a place I never thought he would ever go.

As I watch him walk away, I think of everything we have been through. Are these all the years that we get? Is this where our story ends? I don’t want to think that, but I can’t help it. I know how dangerous his job can be.

There he goes again. Into the unknown. Into the wild. As I watch him walk away, I wonder who I will be when he returns. I sure hope I am stronger but right now all I feel is weakness.

As I turn to my children, I realize how hard all this is going to be for them. They have to say goodbye to their father again. One more time. They have to do without when other kids don’t. That isn’t fair, but that is a part of this life.

There he goes again. Serving his country. Taking up the fight for freedom. Responding to his orders. Is he the type that could stay home when others go to fight? No, he is the type to go, even when he doesn’t want to leave us.

Oh how much our children will grow when he is gone. They will have birthdays that he will miss and we will never get that time back. They will start at a new school, make new friends, and life will go on for them. Even through missing him.

There He Goes Again

There he goes again. Just like I knew he would have to.

From the moment I heard the news he was going, I knew this day would come. With tears in my eyes, I hugged and kissed him goodbye. I told him I would write; he told me he loved me.

Oh, how I wish this were not a part of our life. Our military life. But it is. Oh, how I wish this were easier. Sometimes I think the next time will be, but saying goodbye doesn’t work like that.

The time apart is what it is. When he goes, I try to stay busy and cross off those days on the calendar. I will send care packages and go to FRG meetings and know that deployments eventually end. I will remember how I got through the last deployment and remember that this one is supposed to be shorter.

There he goes again, as military spouses we will say this over and over again. And each time we will shed our tears and stand tall. Because we have to. Because we love them. Because we love our country.

And through it all, we will take what we learn, apply it to our future and know that we got this, no matter how hard it seems, no matter how long they are gone, no matter what else military life brings our way. 

Looking for more blog posts about surviving a deployment?

75 Smart Tips for Surviving the Next Military Deployment

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75 Smart Tips for Surviving the Next Military Deployment

Deployment. Deployment. Deployment. That word is enough to turn a good day into a bad one. As military spouses, we know that deployments are a part of military life.

Surviving deployment is a must, even on those most difficult days. Whether your spouse deploys every few months or you go through a 9 or 12-month deployment every other year, you will need to figure out what works for you and how to get through.

Deployments are going to be a difficult part of your marriage, but that doesn’t mean they have to break you. That doesn’t mean they have to bring you down. With enough help and encouragement, you can get through your deployment, even if it is one day at a time.

Here are 75 tips for surviving deployment:

1. Make goals

Make a list of everything you want to while your spouse is deployed. Start on this list right after you say goodbye. Having goals will allow you to focus on something besides the fact that they are gone.

 

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2. Read some good books

Reading can be pretty therapeutic. Getting lost in a book will help you through those long deployment nights.

3. Try not to get jealous

Jealousy can be an issue during a deployment. You can get jealous of a friend who talks to their spouse more than you talk to yours or a friend whose husband is not deployed. Try not to compare your situation to others.

4. Find a routine

Routines are good. Even simple ones. Find a routine that works for you. Find one for your kids.

5. Take photos and make albums

Take lots of pictures, make albums, and then send them to your deployed spouse.

6. Learn OPSEC

OPSEC is so important! Learn what OPSEC means and make sure you don’t post what you shouldn’t on social media.

7. Call your Mother-in-law

She is the other person that misses your spouse as much as you do, even though it is in a different way.

8. Get organized

Organize your life. Having an organized home can help with your mood.

9. Be careful about the news

Some people can handle watching the news during a deployment; others can’t. Figure out which one you are and stick to it.

10. Pace yourself

Don’t try to do everything on day one. Pace yourself. You have a lot of days to get through.

11. Use technology for your advantage

We live in a time where technology allows us to video chat with a spouse deployed overseas. Remember how lucky we are.

12. Stay loyal

Don’t cheat. I know, do I even have to say that? But just don’t. Stay faithful. If you don’t want to be married anymore, you can talk about that with your spouse but don’t cheat on a deployed service member.

13. Start a countdown

Not everyone likes to countdown, but I do. It helps me celebrate the days I have been through and puts the deployment in perspective.

14. Know it’s okay if you don’t talk every day

Know that it is okay if you don’t talk to your spouse every day. Sometimes there will be missions that will take them away from the phones. Don’t freak out if you have to wait a few days. Remember, no news is good news.

75 Tips for surviving your deployment

15. Re-arrange your living room

Find a fresh look to your home. Move furniture around and have fun with it.

16. Go to church

If you are religious, go to church. Sundays are hard anyway. Being able to spend time at church part of the day is good for the soul.

17. Pray

Pray and use your faith to help ground you during the deployment.

18. Ask people to pray for you

Asking others to pray for you can help as well. If nothing else, you will know other people are thinking about you.

19. Pay off debt

Deployment is the perfect time to pay off debt. Get rid of extra bills and work towards your future.

20. Binge Watch

Deployment and Netflix go hand and hand. You can also have Hulu, Amazon, or any of the other streaming services.

21. Plan a Space-A trip

If your spouse is deployed, you get a higher priority when you Space-A. Take some time to look into how to Space-A and plan a trip.

22. Find a support group

Find a group you can depend on. It can be an actual support group or a more informal one. You can even start a deployment support group yourself.

23. Go to playgroups with your kids

Playgroups are the best. Time for your kids to play with other kids and you to talk with other moms.

24. Be open with your partner

During a deployment, it is important to be open with your partner. You are still married and being able to talk while they are away is important. Sometimes this might just mean writing letters and other times it will be phone calls and video chats.

25. Make new friends

Deployments can be a good time to make new friends. Find people who get you and what a deployment is like.

26. Explore your city

Take the time to get out and explore your city and community. It will be good for your soul.

27. Join a gym

Work on yourself during a deployment and join a gym. Hopefully one with childcare.

28. Wine

Drink the wine. But not too much.

29. Coffee

You know you need coffee. Invest in a nice coffee maker and have your daily cup.

75 Tips for surviving your deployment

30. Find a sitter

Find a good babysitter. She can watch your child when you head to the Commissary or just for a night out with friends.

31.  Start a business

Have you ever wanted your own business? Maybe now is the time to start. Doing so will keep you busy.

32. Start a deployment garden

Gardening gives you a chance to focus on something else and is good for you.

33. Listen to podcasts

Podcast are fantastic. There are so many awesome podcasts out there, on so many different topics.

34. Develop an easier nightly routine

When you have kids, bedtime is all up to you. Figure out if you can change your current routine to make the night a little easier for yourself.

35. Find me time

You are going to need to figure out a way to have me time during a deployment. Get creative if you have to and use the resources available in your community.

36. Let others know what you need

Don’t be afraid to let others know what you need. Friends want to help one another out.

37. Find something new to do

Find something new to try that you have never done before. Be adventurous.

38. Use the CDC

The CDC on your military post or base will probably have a CDC. Use it. Look into hourly care. It will save you.

39. Buy deployment books for your child

There are quite a few books on deployment that can help your child. Check them out.

40. Buy deployment books for yourself

There are deployment books for spouses too.

41. Send cute care packages

Get creative and send cute care packages. Holiday care packages are always a hit.

42. Buy cute stationery

During one of our deployments, I found stationery from where we went on our honeymoon. It was nice to write love letters on those and send them off to my husband.

43. Find your people

Finding your military spouse tribe is a must. Make plans with the people who can be there for you.

44. Go to an FRG meeting

I know FRG meetings get a bad rap, but they can be a very good thing. You will be walking into a room filled with other spouses going through the exact same thing you are.

75 Tips for surviving your deployment

45. Volunteer

Find a place to volunteer. This can help with boredom, help you develop friendships, and allow you to give back.

46. Trade babysitting with a friend

Find a good friend that you trust. Trade babysitting. This will save you money and still allow you to find that me time.

47. Ask for help

Sometimes we have to ask for help. We simply can’t do it all, all of the time.

48. Go on a mini-vacation

Spend the week in another city, visit a friend, or explore somewhere you have always wanted to go.

49. Visit home

Take a longer trip to visit home. See your parents, friends, and other family members. It will be good for your soul.

50. Work on your hobbies

Have you been putting off your favorite hobby? Deployment is a good time to get back into them.

51. Paint your house

Is there a room that needs a refreshing? Want to change the color? Start a painting project. Invite friends to help.

52. Join Facebook support groups

I have one for my blog. Reach out and help other people at the same time.

53. Follow Facebook pages

There are quite a few military support Facebook pages you can follow. Here is mine.

54. Get up and moving

Get up, shower, get dressed, and go somewhere. Every day. Even if you just take a walk around the neighborhood.

55. Assign chores

If you have kids, assign them some chores to help you out. If they are old enough, this can be such a good way to teach them responsibility and to give you a little bit of a break.

56. Write in a journal

Journals are amazing. You can write out whatever you feel like and no one can judge you for it.

57. Remember, this is temporary

Deployments don’t last forever. They eventually end. Remind yourself of that.

58. Drop the haters

You don’t need to be around people who are going to bring you down. Drop the haters and move on.

59. Check out activities on post

From MWR to the YMCA, see what is going on. There are always events you can go to, many of them are free.

60. Check out activities off post

Look into your local community to see what is going on.

61. Learn to cook something new

Try new recipes, look into learning something new. Get together with friends to share what you like to make.

62. Cry when you need to

Having a bad deployment day? Let it all out. Then pull yourself together to go on to the next day.

63. Seek extra help

Sometimes we need extra help. Don’t be afraid to start going to a counselor. They can help you more than you release.

64. Call your mom

Call your mom when you need to. Let it out. She can comfort you.

75 Tips for surviving your deployment

65. Find a new job

Find a new job, do something different, move up in your career.

66. Plan a post-deployment vacation

Talk to your spouse about what they want to do when they get home from the deployment. Plan the trip. That can be a fun distraction.

67. Start a blog

You have something to say about your experience. Start a blog and write about your situation.

68. Follow blogs

There are many military spouse blogs out there. Follow them. Learn from what they have to say.

69. Let things go

Sometimes we have to take a step back and let things go.

70. Know that you will have good days and bad days

Some deployment days will be good; some will be bad. That tends to be how things go.

71. Don’t worry about the next one

For many of us, there will be another deployment. Try not to worry about that during this deployment. You don’t know what the future will hold.

72. Text your friends

Texting can be a good way to connect with your best friends throughout the day. And can be helpful during a deployment.

73. Laugh

It’s okay to laugh. Smile. Have fun. It’s okay to do so during a deployment.

74. You be you

How you do deployment could be different than how your neighbor does, that’s okay. You do you.

75. Remember you got this. You are strong enough and brave enough to get through a deployment. 

 

Looking for more deployment posts???

75 Smart Tips for Surviving the Next Military Deployment

10 Ways to Help Your Kids During a Deployment

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10 Ways to Help Your Kids During a Deployment

During a deployment, we milspouses have to do what we can to keep the household running. We struggle to keep things together and often have tear-filled nights as we make our way through the time our spouse has to be away. Then we have our kids.

We worry about them too because they are missing one of their parents. For those of us who grew up in non-military homes, the idea of being away from one parent for so long can be foreign.

How can you help your kids during a deployment? Here are 10 ideas.

1. Give them information

Based on the ages of your kids, explain to your children where your spouse is, what they will do, and anything else you feel comfortable sharing. If your spouse has sent you photos, share those with them. You don’t want to scare your children, but if they can have an idea of where their mom or dad is, that can help.

2. Remind them it is not their fault

Some children might assume that they could have done something to cause their parent to leave. Assure them that this is not the case. That their mom or dad has a job to do, and if they could be home with them, they would be. Assure them that they love them very much and will miss them when they are away.

3. Encourage them to talk

If your children are old enough, encourage them to talk to you about their feelings. Kids can hold things in, but talking about what is going on is important. Some schools, both on base and off, have deployment groups for kids who are going through one. See if your child can join those groups, and let them know you are always there with a listening ear.

4. Talk about your spouse

Talk about your spouse often. Share silly stories and bring up memories that you had together. Have photos around the house and in scrapbooks. For babies, you can put photos near their crib so they can get used to seeing the face of their mom or dad.

5. Have a plan for the difficult days

There are going to be difficult days for any kid. Whether they are acting out or just sad, they will need a pick-me-up. Make plans for those days. Go out for ice cream, see a movie, or take them to a particular park or playground. Find something fun to do that will help them get through the stressful day.

6. Schedule fun activities

Have a Taco Tuesday, and on Fridays, get a pizza and rent a movie. Schedule these fun, regular nights, so your children have things to look forward to each week. Find out what is going on both on and off base in your area. Fill up your calendar and get out and explore.

7. Have them help with care packages

When you are sending a care package, have them help you put everything together. They can color pictures or the box and help you pack everything in. They can also write letters to their mom or dad and let them know they can do so as often as they want to. If they are older, have them make the whole care package themselves. Something special they can send to mom or dad overseas.

8. Have a count up.

With kids, having a countdown can be a bit tricky if things change, but having a count-up can be a lot of fun. You can put pennies in a jar, candy, or whatever it is you want to do to look at how much time you have gone through. On the more challenging days, you can remind them of what you all have been through.

9. Resources

There are quite a few resources you can take advantage of. Hug a Hero Dolls, or Daddy Dolls, are always a hit, and you can order them online. Sesame Street has a wonderful program for kids going through a deployment. There are also quite a few books out there for military children that are worth checking out.

10. Know your child

The truth is, different children handle deployments in various ways. Some will show their sadness through tears, others will act out, and some will have a very “this is the way it is” attitude about everything. Remember to talk with your child and base your response on their personality. Seek extra help if you need to, and know that you and your child will get through this time apart.

 

10 Ways to Help Your Kids During a Deployment
10 Ways to Help Your Kids During a Deployment

It’s Been 20 Years Since I Boarded a Plane to Germany and Started My Army Wife Life

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It's Been 20 Years Since I Boarded a Plane to Germany and Started My Army Wife Life

Heading to Germany to Start My Army Wife Life

March, 2006. My 18-month-old son and I got on an airplane at the St. Louis airport, after saying goodbye to my mom, not knowing when I would see her again. We were headed to Germany, and she had come out to help me with the last few steps before we could make our way across the ocean.

The previous November, my husband of three years had re-joined the military and headed over to Germany. We were due to join him shortly after, but the military being the military, it took us about 4.5 months to do so.

What is This New Life?

I remember being on post soon after arriving, watching a group of soldiers march by and thinking, “Wow, this is really our life now, isn’t it?” It was surreal at first. We had completely changed our lives. Army wife life meant my husband went from being home by 5 every workday to being deployed for 15 months. Solo parenting hit me hard. And we were now in a completely different country.

As the years went by, we experienced new and different things. Some good, like making friends during the more difficult times, to visiting other places and countries. Some bad, like a deployment extension, and having to navigate special needs parenting all by myself.

It's Been 20 Years Since I Boarded a Plane to Germany and Started My Army Wife Life

Life is Different Now in the Veteran Years

Today, my husband is a veteran. The military years are in our past, and sometimes I can hardly believe it. The military was so much a part of our lives for so many years. But time marched on. One year became two, became ten, became 20.

As I look back, it feels, in some ways, like a dream. For so long, a deployment was always in our future. For so long, the military had so much say. For so long, it seemed that it would never end. That it would always be this way.

Do I miss military life? Parts of it. I sure do.

It's Been 20 Years Since I Boarded a Plane to Germany and Started My Army Wife Life

Other parts? Not so much. But going through all that made me the person I am today.

The Military Community Can Help Each Other Out

So whether you just started your military spouse journey, or have been in this life for a while. Whether your spouse just retired or retired ages ago. One thing is true: we are all a part of the military spouse community.

Those of us who have come before can help support those going through it now. We can help each other out.

Military life isn’t easy. But it is a journey. One with ups and downs. If you are going through a difficult time right now, know you have the support of those who have gone before you. Those who can offer a hug and an encouraging note. You got this. You really do.

Here at Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life, you can find support no matter what branch your spouse is in. You can find posts about deployment, PCSing, or anything else military life throws at you. You can find encouraging stories in the new Military Spouse Spotlight section. And if you, military spouse, ever want to share your own story? Fill out my Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life Guest Post Form.

The Night Before They Deploy as a Military Spouse

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The Night Before They Deploy

You never thought this day would come, you held on to the hope that something would change. That they really wouldn’t have to go, or that you would get some extra time together.

But it is now the night before they deploy, the last night to say goodbye, and you are trying to keep it all together.

A part of you is relieved. The deployment can begin. You can start your countdown.

The sooner they leave, the sooner the deployment will be over. And then life can get back to normal. At least on the surface.

You have been through this before, but this time seems different. Deployments always seem so different, no matter how many you go through.

You are worried about your kids, you are worried about yourself. You want to rock this deployment, but right now you are just wondering how you will make it through each day. You want to thrive vs just survive during this deployment, but that seems like a big task.

Your anxiety is up, your anxiety always goes up when they deploy. You think about all the things you can do to help, you hope that something does.

On this night before they deploy, you think about all you have been through together. You remember your dating years, your wedding, your first year together. You think about your future, what may be, what you hope will be.

You are fully aware of the dangers of serving in a war zone, but you hope and you pray that your spouse will come back to you. You hope and pray your friends can have that happen too. You hope and pray for a deployment where everyone returns…not sure how possible that even is.

You hope you can find your groove this deployment like you did last time. You figured out how to do this before, you should be able to do it again. Your friend circle has changed, but you hope that you can make plenty of good memories with your new friends, just like you did last time.

As you watch your spouse, this night before they deploy, you think about how many times you have had to watch them go.

When they left for basic training, a few years into your marriage.

When they deployed the first time when your son was only a year old.

When they left for JRTC, to prepare for this deployment.

You remind yourself you have been through this before, even though you will never get used to saying goodbye. You remind yourself that you are strong and can support your spouse in this way. You remind yourself that you are creative and always figure it out.

But you are worried too. Worried that this deployment will be too long. Worried that this deployment will be too hard. Worried that this deployment might break you…hours before they even have to go.

You want to enjoy this last night together. You don’t want the time together to be filled with tears. There will be time for tears later.

On this night before they deploy, you try to focus on what you can accomplish when they are gone. You make a list of deployment goals. You make notes of what you hope to get done.

As you lay your head on your pillow that night, you hold back the tears as they hold you one last time before they go. You know the morning will come soon, too soon. You know this time together is limited.

You drift off to sleep, and before you know it is the morning of the deployment. They are already up, getting ready. You don’t want to get up, if you do, all of this becomes reals. But you do it anyway.

And soon it is time to leave, to get into the car, to drive them to where they have to go.

And then you are saying goodbye. You are letting go. One last hug, one last kiss. And one more just because.

They say goodbye to the kids, they say goodbye to you, and they walk away, to start another deployment, another time apart.

As a military spouse, you know deployments are part of the deal. You know that saying goodbye is a part of the deal. You know that this won’t be the last time you will have to say goodbye.

But you also know that you are strong enough for this. You are strong enough for another deployment. The time apart won’t always be easy, and the days might be more difficult than normal, but you are committed to getting through, even if just one day at a time.

Are you getting ready to go through a deployment? Make sure to check out my other deployment posts to help you through.