Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Deployment

When the Holidays Don’t Feel Like the Holidays

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When the Holidays Don't Feel Like the Holidays

The holidays are here, and with this season comes decorating for Christmas, Hanukkah, or whatever holiday you celebrate. You want to be excited, you want to go all-in, but…what do you do when your spouse is deployed? When they are off in Iraq, Afghanistan, Africa, or some other part of the world too many miles from where you are? What do you do when you just don’t feel like doing Christmas? When you just don’t feel like setting anything up? When you just want the holidays to be over so you will be closer to homecoming and seeing your spouse again?

When your spouse is deployed during this time of year, the holidays don’t always feel like the holidays. You might want to skip them altogether, or just wish away time to the new year when the holidays are over. You might not be feeling like you even have much to celebrate. But you do.

I think most military spouses will go through this at one time or another.

Here are some ideas to help if you are feeling like the holidays and not the holidays this year:

Don’t pressure yourself 

One of the biggest issues with social media is comparing yourself to other families. And this seems to get worse during the holidays. The thing is, you don’t have to do things the way others do.

Is there something that overwhelms you at the thought of having to do it? Don’t. Or maybe there is something you normally do with help from your spouse, and you simply don’t have the energy to do so this year. That’s okay too.

Find what works for your family and don’t worry about what everyone else is doing. Take the pressure off yourself. Your holiday season will be much easier that way.

Add a new tradition

Why not try a new tradition this year? Something for you and your kids to get excited about. Are you stationed overseas? If so, why not adopt a tradition of the country you are stationed in? Adding something new can be just what you need to get excited about this holiday season, even if your spouse is deployed.

Plan for celebrating later

If your spouse is coming home early in the new year, you could always save the celebrating for then. If you have very small children or no children, this can work well. Older, school-age children might have trouble with this so you could have a small celebration with plans for a bigger one later. As military families, we have to be flexible and this is one way to do so during a deployment.

Fake it until you make it

Sometimes you simply have to fake it until you make it. Make a list of all the holiday things you normally do and try to work on a few a day, even if you don’t feel like it. Getting started with getting ready for the holidays can help you get in the mood. Involve your kids because you know they are going to be excited about the holidays no matter what.

Put on a Christmas movie, light a holiday candle, or take the kids to see Santa. Do something that can really put you in the holiday mood. This can help you get there, even if you are not sure if it will work.

What have you done to help during the holidays when you don’t feel like celebrating because they are deployed?

Twas the Night Before Christmas…Milspouse Style

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Twas the Night Before Christmas...Milspouse Style

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Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, no one was stirring, except one military spouse.

She knew what tonight was, but wasn’t feeling the cheer, her husband of 12 years was simply not here.

He was serving his country, on deployment #4, she simply couldn’t wait until April, when he would walk through the door.

Her kids were in bed, excited for morning, they didn’t want to go, despite her stern warning.

She looked at a picture, taken last year, when he was home beside her and she didn’t have much to fear.

But this year was different, and he was far away, but she still wanted to try to have a wonderful Christmas day.

She put on some music, and finished her last chore, she loved her sweet family, down to the core.

Christmas was special and a time to love, and she would get through this deployment, with help from above.

Her husband was deployed, and that made her sad, but thinking of her children Christmas morning made her heart very glad.

She turned out the light, and headed to bed, loving the lights of the tree, both green and red.

As hard as it was, she found her inner strength, she could handle this deployment, no matter the length.

Solo parenting was hard, and she hated missing him, but she knew in the end, it wasn’t so grim.

She had her friends, and her children by her side, and would take this deployment day by day even if she sometimes cried.

Because one day in April, would be homecoming day, and she would load up her children in her van, not a sleigh.

And they would head to the gym, where they would need to wait, with the other spouses and children on this very important date.

As a military spouse, we can spend Christmas alone, but we do what we can to warm up our home.

She would spot him right away, standing in the crowd, and when it was time they would run to him proud.

So if you are a military spouse, with your love far away, I want you to know you will get through Christmas Day.

It might not be exactly like before, but Christmas has magic you just can’t ignore.

Merry Christmas to all and know that it’s true, you got this military spouse, you absolutely do.

Saying That Goodbye, As they Head Off to War

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It’s time to say goodbye.

I don’t want to. I really don’t want to.

I want him to stay here forever. Stay with me forever. But that’s not how military life works.

It’s time to say goodbye and I need to be strong. For him. For my kids.

We drive up to the gate. That horrible gate. The one he will walk through after we say our goodbyes.

My tears start to flow, but still, I try to hold them back. He hugs me as he gets out of the car. This is it. This is really happening.

I have been here before. I have done this before. This isn’t new.

And yet, it feels new. It feels just like it did the first time he had to go so many years ago.

He grabs his bag, I grab my boys. We don’t want to draw this out.

He puts his bag where it needs to go and comes back to us. We can stay. We can wait until it is time for him to go. But we decide not to.

We say goodbye then. Knowing the extra hour or two might just drag this out. We say goodbye and then we let go.

I give him that last hug and that last kiss and that last goodbye. He hugs and kisses the boys. And kisses me one last time.

And I tell him what I always tell him, “come back to me,” and he says what he always says, “I will, I always will.”

And so I grab the boys and we get in the car. We have said goodbye. We have kissed and hugged that one last time.

And I leave him there, this man I love so much. The one I married and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Unsure about what the next few months would bring.

As I get the boys in the car, I tell them that we got this and we are going to have an adventure when their dad is gone.

That we will make this time apart fun for them and that the days might be hard at times, we will get through it. I am not sure if they totally understand what I am saying. They are so young but I tell them it will all be okay because I feel like they need to hear it. I feel like I need to say it.

And so we head back home, me trying to keep it together. It’s day 1. The first day of deployment.

It’s day one and the countdown can begin. It’s day one and I know the day will be hard.

And as time moves on, as it always does, I look back on that day and how hard it was to say goodbye.

Saying goodbye to the man I love, as he heads off to war. Saying goodbye as he heads off to a dangerous place. Saying goodbye as we start this next deployment.

And even through the goodbyes are so hard, time passes and we get through the deployment. Homecoming comes, and we see him again. A little stronger than we were before.

We know there could be more deployments in the future, we know that we will have to say goodbye again. But as military spouses, we know we can get through what military life brings us, one day at a time.

Yes, Deploying Without a Cell Phone is Going to be Hard

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Yes, Deploying Without a Cell Phone is Going to be Hard

The word is that those deploying to the middle east will not be able to bring their laptops or cell phones, at least in some cases. As you can imagine, this has caused quite a lot of drama. The comment section is filled with so many different thoughts on the subject.

Some people talk about how they never went through a deployment with a cell phone and they were just fine.

Others say the same thing with much harsher tones, “Get over it!'”

Some talk about how when they went through a deployment it was before the time of email and even regular communication of any kind.

I am also reminded of my Grandparents who only had letters, no R&R, and no clue when my Grandpa would be home from serving in World War II.

For myself, my own husband has never deployed with a cell phone. Laptop yes, but no cell phone. And for two of our deployments, the only way he could call me was on my home phone, the one attached to my apartment. If I went anywhere, I could come home to a message from him saying I missed his call.

These days, deployments are different. It is a lot easier to communicate and cell phones are very normal.

For some spouses, they have only ever known a life with cell phones.

I remember the first time I ever saw anything close to a cell phone. I was about 16 years old and my friend had borrowed her mom’s car phone. It was HUGE and sat right in the center console of the car.

I got my first cell phone when I was 21 and my first Smart Phone when I was in my 30s. My oldest was only 6 at the time, my youngest a baby. All my kids know is a life with cell phones.

As I read these articles and then the comments, my first reaction wants to be, “Well we did it without cell phones, you can too.”

But…

Then I think about the times others have said that about video chats or email. For some, those things are a luxury they never had, even being able to talk more than once a week is a luxury.

War changes. Deployment changes. Technology changes.

When the school called my mom in the 1980s, they would get an answering machine, not my mom on her cell phone.

Today, if the school calls, 99.9% of the time I will pick up right away on my cell phone.

Life is different and life has changed. We can talk to almost anyone we want instantly. We can text all day long. We don’t have to worry about missing a call. We are always connected.

We could debate about if that is healthy or not all day long but that is how things are in today’s world.

For some of the younger military spouses, and really some of us older ones too, talking to our spouse on a cell phone is the norm. And to face a deployment without one is a HUGE change.

Yes, people did deploy without them, and they got through it. Yes, people did deploy without email and they got through it. Yes, people did deploy without all the modern conveniences that we have gotten used to, and they got through it.

But…I think we can give some grace to a spouse that is worried because their husband or wife is going to be without one for a while.

Deployments can cause worry. Will my loved one be okay? How are they handling the transition? What do they need?

Having a cell phone on a deployment can help ease this worry a little bit. Especially if that is normally how you connect with the people you love. You can check in with each other more easily. You can connect more easily. Going without that is going to be difficult.

But talking down to people about it? Being harsh in your responses? Giving them attitude? Let’s stop doing that…please!

There is always a kind way to say something, even if it isn’t an easy thing to say. You never have to be nasty about it. That doesn’t help and just creates a divide.

The truth is, military spouses need seasoned spouses to help them through this. This could be the first time they are ever experiencing a deployment. There is a lot of fear there and a lot of worries. They don’t know what to expect and they might not even know that some of their feelings about all of this are normal.

So military spouse community, let’s do better when it comes to this. Let’s try to understand how hard this might be for some spouses. Let’s work together to help them through.

The best thing we have is our military spouse community, a group of other spouses who get it, a group that can help one another through.

And to the spouses who are having trouble with the idea of their spouse deploying without a cell phone, know that you can get through this challenge. It adds another layer to this deployment, probably one you aren’t expecting but there is a lot of support out there for you. Know, you are not going to have to go through this alone.

Just for fun, how old were you when you got your first cell phone???

Don’t forget to check out The Newbie’s Guide to Military Life: Surviving a PCS and More by Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life and Mrs Navy Mama. Your guide for learning about military life.

As Military Spouses, What Happens in the World Can Hit Us Hard

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As Military Spouses, What Happens in the World Can Hit Us Hard

As military spouses, what happens in the world can hit us hard.

We wonder what it will mean for the military, what it will mean for our spouse.

We just don’t know what will happen and we can get pretty freaked out by it all.

Some say this is what our spouses signed up for, but the reality is, we can never really know what a military career will look like.

By marrying a service member, we start a new journey.

Will it lead us to amazing places? Will we find our community? Will we be challenged beyond anything we could ever imagine?

Yes! Yes! And Yes!

Military life means deployments and moving, probably too often. It means going days, sometimes longer without being able to talk to the person we love. It means sitting back and having to wait to see what will happen next.

As the country tries to figure out what is going on overseas, we sit there knowing that if it isn’t our spouse going over there right now, it is someone else’s. If it isn’t our soldier leaving soon, it will be someday. And we know how hard these types of things can hit the military community as a whole.

I can tell you to stay strong, but the tears might still come. I can tell you not to worry, but there is so much to worry about. I can tell you to depend on your friends, and maybe that is the only thing you can do right now.

As I watch what is happening in the news, I wonder what is to come. Will this be another Iraq? Will this not be quite as bad as we think it might be? What is going to happen?

I wish we could see the future so we know what is ahead. I wish we could plan everything for the next five years. But the reality is no one really can, and as military spouses, we can’t know which way the tide will turn. We don’t know what all of it means for our spouse.

We have to just stay strong, as much as we can. We have to reach out when things feel a little too much. We can’t let all the little comments get to us, because let’s face it, not everyone is going to say the right thing.

This is an emotional time. There are many different viewpoints about what we should do, even within the military community. There are many different ways this could go.

There are so many things you will go through as a military spouse. Maybe your spouse will only serve for a few years, and you will look back at this time as the “Army years.” Maybe your spouse will serve over 30 years, and deployments are going to be apart of the memories of your life together. Whatever the case, saying goodbye to your spouse is never easy, especially when you are unsure of where they are going off to.

I can remember sitting with my friends and our kids at a McDonald’s in Germany. Our husbands, who had been deployed for over a year, were being extended. This seemed impossible. It seemed like something that couldn’t possibly happen.

But it did…

And as heartbreaking as that news was, as hard as the next few months were, somehow we got through that long deployment. Somehow we made it through those unsteady days.

When I see the articles about service members being deployed because of this new threat, I feel so much for their families.

For the new spouse, who didn’t think this would happen so soon.

For the seasoned spouse who thought this last year of military life was going to be uneventful.

To those who have been through this before and to those who have no experience with a long separation.

Know that we see you, and we have your back. The days won’t always be easy, but you have people praying for you. You have people who get it. You have people in your corner.

No matter what happens today, or tomorrow, or next week or next month, know you are not alone. We have each other. And that is something we can depend on!

Don’t forget to check out The Newbie’s Guide to Military Life: Surviving a PCS and More by Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life and Mrs Navy Mama. Your guide for learning about military life.

There is Something So Beautiful About a Holiday Homecoming.

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There is Something So Beautiful About a Holiday Homecoming.

The morning was cold but being that it was December in Tennessee, not a big surprise. When we arrived at the hanger, I knew this would be different than our last deployment, which ended on a hot day in July. Our deployment was over and I only had to wait a few more hours until my husband would be in my arms again.

This 4th deployment had been one of the hardest. I was so glad that the deployment was going to end. What made things even better was that my husband was coming home about a week before Christmas. That felt so magical.

That year, we had the best Christmas ever. That year we didn’t have to miss him. We didn’t have to worry anymore.

We weren’t lonely and we were together. We didn’t have to experience the deployment ache over Christmas and we fully enjoyed the holidays together again. Although in the back of our minds we couldn’t help but remember Christmas spent apart, and how difficult that was.

There is something so beautiful about a holiday homecoming.

Knowing that the deployment will end and that you will be celebrating the holidays together instead of apart.

Knowing that you won’t have to wake up Christmas morning or start Hanukkah alone.

Knowing that they will be there to wish you Happy New Year.

There is something so very beautiful about all of that…

There is nothing quite like a holiday homecoming. To be together again during the time of year you want to be with your family the most. To know that you finished a deployment and the strength that brings you.

As I stood out watching the runaway on that December day, I remember being so cold. But that didn’t matter. The best part was watching that plane land, watching my husband walk down the steps, and knowing he would be in my arms again soon.

I knew I still had so many things to do to get ready for Christmas. Time doesn’t stop just because your spouse is coming home from a deployment. But knowing that I would no longer be waiting for him while wrapping presents and getting all the last-minute holiday things done felt refreshing.

There is something so beautiful about a holiday homecoming.

If you are lucky enough to be getting ready for one, know that you will be in for a treat. All homecomings are amazing, but having one so close to the holidays will allow this homecoming to have a special place in your heart. One you will associate with holiday cheer and the wonder of the season.

Whether there is snow on the ground in upstate New York or the sun on your back in Hawaii, there is nothing quite like a holiday homecoming. Having your spouse return just in time for the magic, will put a smile on your face. Having your spouse home for the festivities is a wonderful thing.

Have you ever had a holiday homecoming?

The Brave Crate Box Is Exactly What You Need

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The Brave Crate Box Is Exactly What You Need

I received a free box for review!

I love getting mail!

I especially loved getting mail when my husband is deployed.

Just something about getting a package in the mail makes me happy and puts me in a happy mood.

If you haven’t already heard about Brave Crate, you will be in for a happy surprise. Brave Crate is a box just for military spouses going through a deployment. How awesome is that?

If you sign up with Brave Crate, you will be getting your very own package in the mail once a month. Not only that but this package is made just for a spouse going through a deployment.

What’s In Each Brave Crate Box?

  • An intro to the month’s theme with tips and tricks from other military spouses
  • A beautiful calendar to track your countdown
  • 4-6 full size products to help you set goals, focus on wellness and support your marriage
  • One challenge card inspiring you to work toward purpose during deployment
  • Access to monthly webinars, challenge groups and interviews through our online community

I just received the latest box and wanted to share it with you. As you can see the box is filled with some amazing goodies.

The Brave Crate Box Is Exactly What You Need
The Brave Crate Box Is Exactly What You Need
The Brave Crate Box Is Exactly What You Need
The Brave Crate Box Is Exactly What You Need
The Brave Crate Box Is Exactly What You Need

Opening that pink box is always such a fun surprise!

How much does Brave Crate cost?

The box is $33.99/month for a 6-month subscription. Shipping for your box is only $6 no matter where you are! Brave Crate also offers monthly and 3-month subscription options.

I really think Brave Crate is such a great thing to have during a deployment. I really wish I could have ordered them during all of our deployments. Check out some of their past boxes and see the variety they provide, month after month.

Are you interested in a Brave Crate box? If so head on over and sign up, use the code SWCL and receive $5 off your first box!

You will be glad you did 🙂

5 Things to Do When Your Spouse Deploys Before the Holidays

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Things to Do When Your Spouse Deploys Before the Holidays

We celebrated the Thanksgiving of 2008 a week early. My husband had the day off, so the Thursday before, I woke up with turkey and mashed potatoes on my mind. We had a full and fun day, and it didn’t matter one bit that we celebrated a week before everyone else was celebrating.

You see, on Thanksgiving of 2008, we would be doing something else. We would be saying goodbye to my husband for his 2nd deployment to Iraq. There was no way for us to celebrate Thanksgiving on the actual day, so we changed things around, and doing so was the best thing we could have done.

Years later, my husband was going to have to be gone for a few weeks for a new job over Christmas. When I first heard this I got really upset. Then I made a plan. When your spouse deploys, you learn how to get creative about things.

We changed Christmas morning to December 19th. And it worked out perfectly. We told the boys that Santa was going to come early because he knew their dad had to be away on the 25th. They went to bed on the 18th, just like they would have on the 24th. Everything worked out.

So then, when my husband left and the 25th came, we had already celebrated Christmas. We didn’t feel the loss quite as much, which was quite a relief.

As military families, we always have to adjust. We have to figure out how to make things work, even if we are not used to doing things that way. If you are getting ready for deployment or other separation around this time of year, you could be feeling a little down and frustrated.

However, there are a few things you CAN do to make this a little more okay. Here are some ideas:

  • Decorate early

I have seen military families decorate for Christmas in October because the mom or dad was going to deploy in November. I have seen people put up the Christmas lights the first week of November because that has always been a tradition and they didn’t want to miss it this year. If your spouse is leaving around the holidays, why not decorate early so they can take part in it?

  • Celebrate early

Like we have done in the past, why not celebrate a little early? There is no law that says you have to celebrate the holidays on the day they are on on the calendar. Figure out when the best time for your family to celebrate is, and celebrate then.

That way, when the actual holiday comes around and they are gone, you will not feel like you have missed out on celebrating together. You can even decide to celebrate early to take the stress of their deployment date out of the picture. Waiting to see if they deploy on the 23rd or the 26th is a lot less stressful if you already celebrated Christmas a week before.

  • Video and pictures

One Christmas, when my husband was deployed, I videotaped my boys opening gifts. That way, my husband was able to watch everything and didn’t feel as left out. If your spouse is traveling over the holidays or getting situated in his new location for a deployment, there might not be time to connect on the holiday, but you can always share videos and photos with them later.

  • Visit family

If your spouse is leaving for deployment around this time of year, going to stay with family can be a good idea. That way you are not as alone right when the deployment begins, and it is a more emotional time of year. Besides, your family will probably want to see you and your kids and celebrate with you this year.

  • Take a trip

If you don’t have a family to go to or just don’t want to visit them this time of year, you and your kids could always take a trip over the holidays. You could even go with another spouse and their kids. Getting out of your house and visiting somewhere new can be a good way to get through this holiday season when you are starting a new deployment.

Life can be tricky when your spouse deploys around the holidays. You might not even know when they are actually leaving and as you get closer to the holidays you are used to celebrating together, things can get pretty stressful. See what you can do to make this year special anyway.

Do you have any tips for someone going through this? What has worked for you?

When Your Spouse Won’t Be Home For the Holidays

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When Your Spouse Won't Be Home For the Holidays

Your spouse won’t be home for the holidays this year, and that’s a lot to take in.

October becomes November. The holidays will be here soon. Everyone else seems excited, but there is a part of you that just wants the holiday season to be over. You just want to fast forward time.

You think about what you are going to do. Should you go home to see your parents? Should you go home to see your in-laws? Should you just stay put so your kids can be in a familiar space?

You wonder about the tree. Every year you pick one out together, but this year will be different. And it hurts to think about what to do about this tradition, about all the holiday traditions they will miss.

You know you need to figure all of this out. You can’t just ignore Christmas. You can’t do that to your kids, but you feel lost.

Your spouse won’t be home for the holidays this year, and you are not sure how everything is going to work out.

You think about what you love about this time of year, and figure out how to get to a better place. You know they have to be away, but that doesn’t mean you have to skip anything. You start to wonder if maybe celebrating would be the best way to make it through.

As the stores put out their decorations, as the world seems to march on to the best season of all, your heart can’t get into it. Even though you really want it to.

You think about years past, and try not to worry about what they will miss. Will they be missing you as you miss them? Will they have a good holiday too, celebrating it so far from home?

Your spouse won’t be home for the holidays this year, and that makes you feel very much alone.

As your family and friends share what they are getting their kids, you think about how that is all up to you this year. That your spouse can’t help you with the shopping or the wrapping or by playing Santa. That all they can really do is offer a few suggestions, or maybe send some things through Amazon.

As November moves on, you wonder about Thanksgiving and how you will celebrate a day to be thankful when it feels like so much is missing. Can you get together with friends this year? Can you have a feast knowing they will miss all the fun?

Once you get past Thanksgiving, the pit in your stomach is back. You can feel it. The thought of Christmas morning, and knowing they won’t be there is a lot to think about. The thought of missing them on that day is almost too much.

Your spouse won’t be home for the holidays this year, but you are going to find a way through.

You think about all you have been through before. One time they left right before your 30th birthday, and you got through that. When you gave birth to your son, they were across the ocean. You survived a 15-month deployment, which included two Christmas Days, and found a way to still make the holidays special for your family.

You know you are strong enough to handle this, why doesn’t it always feel that way?

You know you have been through this before, so why does this year seem so hard?

You know you can handle the holidays with a deployed spouse, but why does it feel so impossible sometimes?

And so you do what us military spouses do. You figure things out. You find out what works.

Your spouse won’t be home for the holidays this year, but that doesn’t mean the holidays are canceled.

That just means they will look a little differently than they usually do. That just means you will have the chance to do things a little differently.

You and your children will create memories together, and grow as a family. You will take more photos than normal, and share them with your spouse. You will send some pretty amazing holiday-themed care packages.

You will find friends to celebrate with, or just enjoy the quiet that can come from a simple Christmas. You will figure out how to make this work, even if the way you celebrate this year doesn’t look the same as it has in the past.

Your spouse won’t be home for the holidays this year, and they could miss next year too.

If your spouse is in the military, they could be gone for the holidays again. They can miss Christmas, or Hanukkah, or your birthday. They can miss New Year’s Eve or Valentine’s Day, or any holiday that is special to you.

And as military spouses, we might shed some tears about this. Missing your spouse during the holidays isn’t fun. But as military spouses, we also figure out how to make the holidays work for us, we have to. There is no other way.

So if you are getting ready to go through your first holiday season without your spouse, know you can figure out a way to get through this. Get creative. Involve friends and family. And do what works well for you and your own family.

Do you do anything special when your spouse is away for the holidays???

The Gifts You Can Receive During a Deployment

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The Gifts You Can Receive During a Deployment

I was so thankful to have met Jennifer at MakeHer this past October. She has an amazing blog and website, dedicated to military spouse support. She truly has a heart for military spouses and the military community! Enjoy this post she wrote about the gifts you can receive from a deployment!

Deployment number five, C.H.E.C.K

Though still many weeks away, I can’t escape the quiet excitement at the thought of wrapping up another deployment. This weekend, I found myself thinking that as much as I don’t enjoy being without my husband for nine months, I can’t help but be grateful for the blessings these months have given me.

Yep, you read that right, blessings!

Deployments always challenge me, and yet the challenge with each is revealed differently. I’ve been a girlfriend, a newlywed, a 1st-time mom, a tired mom to a toddler and newborn, and twice. I’ve navigated solo parenting as a part-time professional and full-time mom of two young, rambunctious kids. Five deployments, in nine years.

I’m the first to admit that this was the hardest of our five. If I could have known then what I know now, I’d tell the new mom to stop worrying. Dad’s absence in those early months won’t impact his ability to connect with his son. I’d say to her to sleep more and clean less. I’d tell her that waiting months to un-decorate the house after a major holiday is totally acceptable. I’d remind her that chicken nuggets and pizza are sometimes just what everyone needs. Oh, the things I’d tell her!

For those who’ve been there, we wouldn’t wish this kind of separation on anyone. And yet, deployments remind me to appreciate small moments with our kids, knowing their dad would give anything to enjoy that same moment. The kids and I have seen each other at our worst and our best, day after day, and we’re better for it. Through hardship, I was given a chance to get to know my children in a way I might not have otherwise. It’s hard not to be grateful for that gift.

For me, deployments have a “grounding” effect. It’s an opportunity to remember all that I love most about my husband and our family. It’s an opportunity to renew my appreciation for all the quiet contributions he makes to my life and our family’s life. And this time, even more than previous separations, I was reminded that my world just isn’t the same without him in it. It’s so easy in the day to day bustle to forget the things that matter most. Deployments force you to notice. I consider that a gift.

So, number five was different. And the differences took me by surprise. Dad’s presence (or absence) was noticed like never before – at the dinner table, during bath time, during midnight runs to the ER, during a myriad of “firsts,” during birthdays or school award presentations, or even on a day of kite flying in the front yard. Dad was missed in prior years, too, but this was different. This time the kids were old enough to ask, to miss, to cry, to be angry, to be sad in ways they’d never felt, and I’d never had to console.

I was different too. This time, sending packages and writing letters were things I just didn’t make time for – or at least not as often as I felt he deserved. And yet, thanks to the gift technology gave our deployed family, we have Skype-d, Facebook-ed, and remained connected in a way that changed this experience for all of us.

My husband was able to hear our young daughter’s vocabulary bloom in real-time, and I have been able to see the smile that his children’s laughter brings to his eyes and his face. Perhaps because you know what is at stake, those moments carry so much more weight than a typical Sunday afternoon family interaction. And I’ve cherished them, especially when I leave our 4-year-old alone with her dad and come back to find them playing peek-a-boo with the web camera and each other. I feel like separations are often overrun with moments like this that make your heart simultaneously break and swell with love.

I knew my husband loves our children. I knew he was a great father, but to see the simultaneous joy and pain in his eyes when he talks to our children over a webcam – well, there again, a gift of sorts. Watching him watch them changed how I saw him.

Many talk about the sacrifices of the military spouse, not just the Soldier. It’s true. There are sacrifices on both sides, but there was never a moment when I felt mine were greater than his. In addition to being reminded of my own strength I, perhaps for the first time, truly understand my husband’s strength, and it will forever change how I see him. Yet another gift.

Before he left, as is a tradition of ours, he hid about 20 notes around the house for me to find. On each, a word of encouragement or just a phrase to make me smile. And for nine months, I’ve been able to wake up and go to bed each morning seeing my collection of notes that now line the mirror on my dresser, reminded in bright pink that I am cherished. Another gift.

So yes, I’d give anything to have had my Soldier home these past nine months. And yes, this letter would read far differently if he hadn’t come home to me, to us. Even still, when I think about the impact of these months apart, I cannot imagine a path that could have helped me learn so much about myself or my husband in such a short amount of time. I can’t imagine a life other than this one, with all its challenges and its blessings.

Through each separation, I am forced to remember, and then somehow manage to forget, that I am stronger than I believe. Perhaps someday I’ll learn how to hold tight to that lesson.

There are always blessings, even during deployments. You just have to be willing to see them, embrace them, and treasure them. We ALL have our bad days, but seeing some sun in this experience is what makes it tolerable. And if you let it, this experience that you’d prefer not to have will allow you to thrive and grow. Another gift.

Written in 2014, this letter sat on my computer as a reminder of what hard looked like. It eventually became the inspiration for my site, Pride and Grit. Our five deployments have ranged from 4 months to 15 months, totaling 46 months over nine years. Jennifer Pasquale is a military spouse of 13 years, 7 moves, and 5 duty stations. Through her site, Pride & Grit (www.prideandgrit.com), Jennifer is giving life to stories of military hardship from which others can draw strength and inspiration.

Deployments can be so difficult to go through, but the good news is, there is a lot of deployment support out there. Please visit the deployment support section of my blog, and know you are not alone in your military spouse journey.