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Life as a National Guard Spouse in a Non-Military Community

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Life as a National Guard Spouse in a Non-Military Community

Being a military spouse, specifically a National Guard spouse in a non-military community, comes with a unique set of experiences. Experiences I’ve lived through for over 12 years. 

What It Feels Like to Be a National Guard Spouse in a Non-Military Community

There are moments when you realize that the people around you may not fully understand what it means to build a life around drill schedules, weeks-long or months-long training events, natural disaster response missions, deployments overseas, uncertainty, saying goodbye, or constantly adjusting to, well, the military. Sometimes, even when wonderful people surround you, you can still feel a little alone when unit members and family members are spread across your state.

But being in a non-military community has also taught me that connection doesn’t have to come from people who have lived the same experience. It can come from people who are willing to listen, learn, show up, and become part of your story.

“Connection doesn’t have to come from people who have lived the same experience.”

How Our National Guard Life Began

Let me start with just a tiny backstory: my husband joined the guard right before our second wedding anniversary. We had just found our footing in our new jobs and the new city we were living in, but after many conversations and my support, he enlisted and left for basic training. Thankfully, we had gotten a dog for our first anniversary, which at least ensured I got outside while he was gone.

I’ve lived this life with and without kids and pets, so here are a few tips and tricks I have learned along the way. I don’t want to sound cliché and call my community my village; but honestly, I think the better term is that they are my people, and I am forever grateful. 

Be Honest About the Guard Schedule

I know it can feel weird at first to explain over and over why your partner isn’t an event, but over time people begin to understand, figure out your schedule, and start asking questions. Now it almost feels second nature to most who know us; when I show up alone, it’s not “Oh, where is your partner?”, it’s “Aw man, it’s drill weekend, isn’t it?” We can all laugh now, take tons of photos, and at school events people start to send me photos and videos they grabbed while I juggled my three kids. 

Say Yes When You Can

If you have kids or pets, it may take extra planning to go to that dinner or event while your partner is away, but take the time to figure it out. Those dinners, coffees, and events have been some of the places where I have found some of my best friends, and they also helped me reset. We can get so stuck in the hamster wheel of waiting to hear from our partner and keeping our daily lives going that we forget to take a moment for ourselves. 

Answer the Text

I laugh as I type that because it takes me at least 3 to 5 business days to answer a text, but eventually I do. Your community will start to check on you in their own way. Maybe it’s just a “how are you doing,” or maybe others may send a funny meme, while some will just send you an emoji to let you know they are thinking of you. Answer the text or even the email. Some people have come into my life and moved away, but still remember my partner is in the National Guard and text to check in. 

Go to FRG, SFRG, and Unit Events

This may sound like an advertisement, but I promise it’s not. As Guard spouses, we are usually the only ones in our town because we do not live on military installations. At our FRG or unit events, we finally get to meet not only the people our partners spend so much time with, but their partners too.

We may only see each other once a year at these events or become passing Facebook friends, but when you take the time to catch up, everyone remembers what’s going on at home and checks in on each other. They are worth the time, and most partners feel the same way you do, which helps us feel less alone in all of this! 

A Reminder for National Guard Spouses

Being a National Guard spouse in a non-military community can feel lonely, especially when the people around you do not fully understand drill weekends, training, deployments, or the military side of your life.

  • Be honest about what military life looks like. The people who care about you can learn how to support you.
  • Say yes when you can. Dinner, coffee, school events, and small invitations can become places where real friendships grow.
  • Let people check on you. A text, meme, emoji, or quick message can be someone’s way of showing they care.
  • Go to unit events when possible. FRG, SFRG, and unit events can help you connect with people who understand this life in a different way.

Is this a perfect list? No, but I hope that if you’re reading this, you don’t feel so alone and put one of these tips into action. I’m in your corner!

Bio: Ashley has been a military spouse for over 12 years while her husband serves in the Army National Guard. They have three kids and a Great Dane.

Frequently Asked Questions About Being a National Guard Spouse

Is being a National Guard spouse different from being an active-duty military spouse?

Yes, it can be different. National Guard spouses often live in civilian communities instead of on or near military installations, which can make it harder to find people nearby who understand drill weekends, training, deployments, and military life.

How can National Guard spouses find community?

National Guard spouses can find community by being honest with local friends, saying yes to invitations when possible, answering check-in texts, attending FRG or unit events, and connecting with other Guard families through their spouse’s unit or state family program.

Should National Guard spouses go to FRG or unit events?

Yes, if they are able to. FRG, SFRG, and unit events can help Guard spouses meet other families connected to the unit, ask questions, and feel less alone in a community where military families may be spread out.

What is hard about being a National Guard spouse in a non-military community?

One hard part is that friends, coworkers, neighbors, and school families may not fully understand how military life affects your schedule, parenting, emotions, and family life. That can feel isolating, even when you are surrounded by kind people.

7 Tips to Enjoy Your First FRG Meeting

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7 Tips to Enjoy Your First FRG Meeting

Yes, FRG meetings. Some people love them, some people hate them. But either way, FRG meetings are such a good thing to have, even if they have issues being implemented. Even if certain FRGs are not working as well as they could be.

FRG stands for “Family Readiness Group” and you can find them in the Army, the Army Reserves, and the Army National Guard. The Navy also calls them the FRG. The Air Force has their Key Spouse Program, the Marine Corps has their Family Readiness Program, and the Coast Guard has their Work-Life Program which all try to accomplish the same thing.

The FRG is there to inform spouses as well as help support them, especially during deployments.

I have been a part of a few different FRG groups, and each one was a little different. My FRGs in Germany felt more like a real community of spouses, working together to get through our deployments or other struggles. In the states, things felt a little different but underneath it all, there was still support in these groups.

I do believe that going to at least one FRG meeting at your new duty station, is a good thing to do. If nothing else, to see how things are going to go. Maybe the FRG meeting won’t be as bad as you think it will be. Maybe there won’t be a lot of drama. Maybe there will be support there that you are yearning for.

As you figure out when and where the FRG meets, and get ready for your first FRG meeting, here are some tips to keep in mind:

Other people are going to be just as nervous as you are

If you are an intrvert, or even if you are not, you might be a bit nervous about going to your first FRG meeting. This is normal. Most people are going to be nervous doing this.

There will be new people to meet, there will be new information to learn, and that can feel so intimidating. Just remember, other people are feeling the same way, and might just be looking for a friendly face, just like you are.

The FRG is supported by volunteers

One thing to keep in mind is that the FRG is going to be supported by volunteers. People who have taken time out of their schedules to help, in many different ways. Giving them a little bit of grace is important.

In some cases, a spouse was “voluntold” to become a leader or take on another position. They might feel like they had to say yes, and might not have wanted to take on the position in the first place. This can make things tricky, and can be an big issue in the military spouse world.

You could become one of them

You could volunteer too. You don’t have to step up to be the FRG leader. There are many other ways to do so.

The FRG includes positions such as Liasion, Assistant Leader, Secretary, Treasurer, Newsletter Ediotr, Activties Chairperson, Fundraiser Chairperson, and Advisor. You can also offer to help in smaller ways such as sending birthday cards to the single service members in the unit, or making food on a regular basis for events.

When you get to your first FRG meeting, they might let you know what positions are available or tell you how you can help. If not, you can always ask where you might be needed. Volunteering through your FRG can be a great way to get to know people a little better and become a part of something that can help a lot of military spouses.

Drama doesn’t have to rule everything

One of the biggest complaints about FRGs is the drama. And I am not going to lie, there can be some serious drama. And that drama can get nasty. But it doesn’t have to be that way forevery FRG group.

You can go into your meetings knowing you don’t want to be a part of that. Treating people with respect and responding to situations in a mature manner can go such a long way in controlling the drama. Don’t let the fear of drama keep you away from FRGs alltoegther.

Grace for other people goes a long way

The FRG is made up on humans, and humans can make mistakes sometimes. Your leader might feel at bit overwhelmed at times, or there could be positions that just haven’t been filled yet. When you go to attend your first FRG meeting, seeing the potential instead of just bashing what is, can be important.

Grace for others can go a long way, and can change things for the better. Try to do what you can to be kind to others within the FRG and work towards postive changes. FRGs can be really amazing places if everyone is working together to make them so.

Support is always important

The support military spouses can receive through the FRG is so important, especially during deployments. These spouses are the ones who understand what you are going through because they are going the same thing you are. Most likely, your spouses will be leaving together, will be deployed together, and coming home together.

While you are probably not going to hit it off with everyone in your FRG, your FRG can be a good place to find some understanding friends. This might not happen right away, but the potential is always there. So please remember that as you attend your first FRG meeting.

The FRG won’t fix all of your problems

In the end, the FRG won’t solve all of your problems. The FRG isn’t set up for that. The FRG can’t make your spouse come home any sooner, the FRG can’t raise your children for you, and it can’t take away all of your struggles.

The FRG can help with your lonliness, can help you stay busy, and can give you tools to make it through your deployment, or anything else military life might throw at you.

Have you ever had a good FRG experience? What do you think the key to that was?

Why You Should Go to at Least One FRG Meeting

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Why You Should Go to at Least One FRG Meeting

What first comes to mind when you hear the word, “FRG meeting?” Does it make you cringe? Does hearing that give you warm memories of former duty stations? Do you wonder even how to find your FRG?

The FRG gets a bad rap, it really does. And not exactly without reason. Not all FRGs are good, and some of them are filled with drama. That being said, I always think it is a good idea to go to at least one FRG meeting at your new duty station, especially if your spouse is going to be deployed.

Why You Should Go to at Least One FRG Meeting

FRG stands for Family Readiness Group. You can normally find them within the Company and Battalion levels. While FRG is mainly an ARMY term, they might be called something else if you are in another branch.

Key Spouse Program, Family Readiness Program, the Ombudsman Program or the Work-Life Program accomplishes the same type of thing in other branches. They all offer support for the families of those who serve.

I have been in quite a few FRGs, and they can truly be amazing places to make friends, learn what is going on, and feel more connected to what your spouse is doing. Not every FRG experiences are good ones, and that is the main reason people stay away from them even if they have an active one. But, I do think they are worth checking out, at least to see how they are run and what they have going on.

So why should you go to at least one FRG Meeting? Here are some reasons:

To meet people

As military spouses, we are always looking for ways to make friends, especially if we are new to our duty station. The FRG can be a place to do so. These other spouses are married to someone that does the same type of thing your own spouse does.

These people are worth befriending or at least trying to befriend. They are in a very similar road that you are, and that is worth exploring. Even if you don’t find your best friend in the group, getting to know others that will be on the same deployment timeline that you will be is a good thing.

To understand what your spouse does

Knowing exactly what your spouse does can be a bit confusing, especially when they are deployed. Going to your FRG can help you understand more about their job and allow you to meet other more seasoned spouses than understand what being married to someone with that job is like. Sometimes you can feel a bit lost, even within the military world but finding other spouses who are in the know can be very helpful.

Why You Should Go to at Least One FRG Meeting

For connection when your service member is deployed

My best experiences with FRGs have been when my husband was deployed. From monthly Monday coffee dates to BBQs with the kids, to get-togethers, to making homecoming signs. These wives or other spouses are in this with you, no matter how long the deployment will be.

If your husband is going to deploy in the near future, having a good FRG connection is a smart idea. Towards the end of a deployment, an FRG meeting is going to be the place to go to get the best information. Information about when to send the last care package, how homecoming is going to go, and how to get through those last weeks apart. If nothing else, having other spouses to get through those last few weeks of a deployment with is a good idea.

To stay busy

You have all heard the advice that you need to stay busy during your deployment. The FRG is one way to do so. Many FRGs have regular events as well as the regular FRG meeting.

If your FRG doesn’t have anything going on, you could be the one to start something. FRGs can also spin off to create other groups such as book clubs, running clubs, and even regular playdates. While you don’t need an FRG to stay busy during a deployment, they can be one of the places you turn to when you are looking for ways to fill up your calendar.

Why You Should Go to at Least One FRG Meeting

To make your FRG a better place

Writing off your FRG is way too easy, committing to make the FRG better is a lot harder to do. Not all of us have the time or energy to help do this but if you do, consider stepping up and volunteering in your FRG. Not only will this be good for you but it will be good for all the spouses in the FRG. A good FRG takes people who want it to be so.

You don’t have to be the FRG leader, there are other roles that need to be filled. Talk to the people in your FRG to find out what they need help with. The more help the FRG has, the stronger the group can become.

Because one bad FRG experience shouldn’t turn you off forever

Maybe you had a horrible experience with your FRG at your previous duty station, but that doesn’t mean this FRG will be the same. You could end up with an amazing group and wouldn’t even know it if you don’t at least go to one meeting. You never know what the FRG is going to be like until you visit the FRG and find out for yourself.

Don’t let one bad experience turn you off forever. There might be drama, but you don’t have to be apart of that nonsense. Work together to keep the drama away from your FRG so everyone can have a better experience.

While an FRG might not be for everyone, they are worth checking out. Try to go into your first FRG meeting with an open mind; you might be surprised at what you find. A good FRG will help you and your family have a better experience during a deployment and at your duty station in general.

Do you go to your FRG meetings? Why or why not?