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What Military Spouses Want Their Civilian Friends to Know

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What Military Spouses Want Their Civilian Friends to Know

I saw them every day. I went to school with them. Military kids.

I remember driving on base to pick up a friend. I think the gate guards had to call her house to get their okay to let us in. This was pre-9/11 of course.

I remember hearing about how my friend’s dad always had to be away. I didn’t understand what that would be like. My dad was always home.

I remember my co-worker, sending letters to her military husband she had married over leave. How did she do that? How did she have a husband who lived half a world away? I remember her, “Half my heart is in Afghanistan” sticker on her car.

I was complaining to my mom about having to move yet again in my college years. She told me to think of all those military wives that had to pack up their children and keep moving every few years.

And then, in 2005…I became a part of this world. This military lifestyle that I had only seen glimpses of in my civilian years. A life that I didn’t even really know much about, even if I had seen a few war movies. A life that has surprised me in many different ways.

Now I am on the other side. There are so many things I want my non-military spouse friends to know. I want them to understand how things can be for us and what living as a military spouse is all about.

We know we are not the only ones who miss our spouses

As much as we miss our spouses, as much as how that part of military life is hard for us, we are aware that other spouses go through separations too. We know about truck drivers and police officers and firefighters and surgeons and contractors.

We know we are not the only ones missing the ones that we love. We might not be in a good place to hear about how badly someone is missing a spouse who is only gone for a week but even then, we can understand that when you are not used to being apart, it can be difficult. Talking about our military life struggles doesn’t mean we think we are the only ones going through this type of hardship.

We remember our pre-military spouse years

Unless you became a military spouse the day you got married, you will have lived as a civilian before military life started. You remember what it is like. You can compare the before and after.

People have said that military spouse life is the same as any other. I call BS on this. I remember what it was like before the Army.

These days, my life looks different than it did pre-Army, but also different than it did when my husband was active duty. There is a big difference between the two. It isn’t that one type of life is better than any other, but they are different, and saying they are the same does a disservice to both types of lifestyles.

Our marriages are not doomed

It’s way too easy to look at the hardships that military families go through and think that all of our marriages are doomed. This is not true. Sometimes the hardships make for stronger marriages.

Sometimes life outside the military is a reason couples break up. Sometimes people change. Sometimes this is because of the military.

We get jealous

It’s true. I am not going to lie. I have been jealous of non-military families. Of not having to send anyone to war. Of not having friends move away all the time.

I think this is natural. It’s what you do with your jealousy that matters. I can choose to be bitter about it, or I can try to work through it and not let it run my life.

Army wives is not reality

So many people ask if Army Wives the tv show is just like our life. No. It’s a TV show.

There are some truths to the show. There are some realities they got right but for the most part, especially after the first season, things do not seem like real life to me.

We are a diverse bunch

There are so many diverse military families and so many types of people who make up the military world. Some are pretty conservative, some are pretty liberal. Some are from a small town, some are from a big city.

Some have a lot of children, some have no children with no plans to add any in the future. The military world is such a mix of different people. There is not just one way to be a military spouse.

We will miss this life when it is over, even if we couldn’t wait to be civilians again

When it comes to getting out of the military, some of us are really excited about that. However, that doesn’t mean getting out is going to be easy.

We will miss parts of military life. We will sometimes wish we never had to leave. The post ETSing process can be very emotional.

We know you can’t fully understand and that is okay

We know that no matter how many times we explain our lives, or how many blog posts we write, you will never fully understand. And that is okay.

We can’t expect you to, just like we can’t totally understand any of the struggles you are going through that we haven’t experienced. That is life. And that’s okay.

We are thankful

When we know our civilian friends support us, we are thankful. We are thankful for any messages they give. We know they are looking at our lives from the outside but we are so thankful when we know people care and acknowledge what we are going through.

Even if we do get frustrated by certain comments, we know deep down they come from a place of thankfulness and we really appreciate that.

What would you add to this list? What do you want your civilian friends to know about military life?

The Military Spouse’s Guide to Making Friends in a Social Media World

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The Military Spouse’s Guide to Making Friends in a Social Media World

Making friends in a social media world should make things easier, right? I mean, we can talk to anyone at any time. If we wanted to find a friend who loves Doctor Who and lives in Kentucky, it would take us a couple of minutes to find a place to look for someone who fits that description. There are groups, communities, and pages for almost any type of topic.

So why is it still so hard to make friends? Why do we feel so alone when moving to our next duty station? Why is there so much drama when it comes to the military spouse community?

The Military Spouse's Guide to Making Friends in a Social Media World

Social media can be such a blessing for us military spouses. Social media allows us to talk to others at our future duty stations, stay connected to friends who have moved far away, and share photos and our lives with our family and friends back at home.

However, social media can also cause us to stay in our homes when we should be pushing ourselves for more in-person connections. Social media can also make us feel less than, as we tend to compare our full stories to everyone else’s highlight reel. Bullying is a lot easier to do online, as people can hide behind their phones and their computers.

So what is a military spouse to do when trying to find connections in this life?

Here are some ideas:

Use social media to help you find in-person events

Make sure of social media to find in-person events at your duty station. You can look for one time events such as a 5K, an MWR event, or something going on at the local library. You can also look for meetings and clubs that happen a couple times a month, or even weekly. Look for your local MOPS group, a book club, a running club, or a playgroup. In some cases, you can join a Facebook group, introduce yourself, and ask questions before you attend your first meeting.

Reach out but with caution

Don’t be afraid to reach out to people you meet in your local group or in person. But also, make sure to use caution. Not everyone is who they appear to be online. If you meet up with someone you met online, make sure to always do so in a public place and tell someone where you are going. You also don’t have to become friends with everyone you meet. Some people are better acquaintances while others will turn into best friends.

Don’t be afraid to start something new

If you can’t find the right group at your duty station, think about starting your own. There are probably other spouses in your area who are into what you are into too. Make a plan, post about it in your local Facebook group, and don’t be afraid to try more than once if the plan doesn’t work out at first. Sometimes new groups take a while to grow, but they can be the right answer when you are looking for friends you have something in common with.

Stay away from the drama, as much as you can

While you can’t stay away from drama 100%, you can make sure you are not looking for it or adding to it. Calling people names, bullying them online, and not showing kindness most of the time will cause you to be involved in more drama that you should be. Your life doesn’t have to involve that much drama, it really doesn’t.

Be real with your social media posts

Sometimes I wish we could all agree to be more real in our social media posts. Sometimes we only share things when life is going well. We only talk about when we moved into a big beautiful house, not how hard it was to save for the downpayment. We talk about how much we love our husband, but we don’t talk about how hard marriage can sometimes be. We talk about the homecoming and don’t mention that we too had too many nights when they were gone when we just didn’t think we could make it another day.

Don’t share everything

As much as being real on social media is a good idea, we also should make sure we are not oversharing everything. We can share that we are struggling without every single detail. And some conversations are better for private messages or in person get-togethers.

If we use social media to bash other people, that will make others be wary of befriending us. We don’t want to end up being a future post on your timeline. This also applies to Facebook groups as none of them are going to be as private as you think they are.

Don’t give up

Whatever you do, don’t give up on finding friends. Don’t just shut yourself up in your house with the excuse that everyone around you sucks. I don’t think that is true; you just haven’t found your people yet. If your friends have all just moved away, you might also feel like it would be too hard to try again, but if you do, you will find there are new friendships to make, and new people to meet.

Always remember OPSEC and PERSEC

Whenever you are on social media, make sure you are always thinking about OPSEC and PERSEC. You don’t want to share information that could be used by the enemy. You don’t want to share specific dates and locations or too much info about your service member. Always lean on the side of not sharing if you are not sure as that will never get you in trouble.

Finding friendships with other military spouses is a must. They can help you through the more difficult of times and allow you to have a much better experience at your duty station. Finding new friends isn’t always eat, but doing so is worth putting in the effort to find them, whether you do so on or offline.

Where do you like to find friends at your duty station?