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Loneliness: The Military Spouse’s Companion

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So happy to have this guest post by Victoria on loneliness and what you can do about it during military life. Please email me at Julie@soldierswifecrazylife.com and let me know if you would like to write a guest post for Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life too.

Loneliness: The Military Spouse’s Companion

“I’m having trouble fitting in around here.”

“How can I make friends at this new base?”

I see these comments or variations on many military spouse websites. And, of course, the pandemic didn’t help the feeling of loneliness and isolation. If you are a MilSpo, you have felt this at one time or another. You’ve just moved to a new location. You haven’t had time to explore your new community or meet the neighbors, what with unpacking boxes and enrolling the kids in their new school, and getting them settled.

When we moved to Oklahoma in 2009, my adult daughter was concerned because we had been there for a few months, and I wasn’t talking about any new friends yet. I’m uber extroverted, so for me not to be relating stories about all the new friends I’d made by now was disconcerting for her.

The problem was that we only had one car, and we didn’t live on base, so it was harder for me to get around and meet people. I assured her I was okay, and I had a lunch date with a group of women the next day. Life was good, although I was more than ready to get my social life going.

I’m afraid my advice for counteracting loneliness might not sit well with introverts. However, it is necessary if you want to get the most out of your military assignment. 

Get Out: You have to get out of your house and introduce yourself to your neighbors—whether you live on base or post. People are busy, so the days when neighbors stopped by with a plate of cookies are rare, even though their intentions might be good. In Oklahoma, I made the cookies and took them to the neighbors to introduce myself.

Join In: Join, join, join anything that interests you: spouse clubs, chapel groups, the PTA at your children’s school. Anywhere you can find like-minded people. Spouse clubs usually have smaller clubs such as book clubs, Bunko, golf, bowling, Mahjong — just about anything you are interested in doing.

Volunteer: When you help out others, you are helping yourself as well. So many organizations on base can use your help, and I’ve made some of my closest friends through volunteering. Check with your Family Readiness Center for volunteer opportunities on your installation.

Do It: I can hear some of you already saying you are shy and have a tough time putting yourself out there. My response is to say, “too bad. Suck it up and do it anyway.” Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it is necessary to make an effort to find your niche if you want to get the most enjoyment out of your life as a MilSpo. And remember, the more you do it, the easier it gets!

Loneliness: The Military Spouse’s Companion

Victoria Terrinoni is the author of “Where You Go, I Will Go: Lessons From a Military Spouse,” available on Amazon. Her husband, Dave, retired in 2018 after 31 years in the Air Force. They live in central Illinois so that they can spoil two of their four grandchildren. She has a blog about her military life at https://victoriaterrinoni.wordpress.com

How To Make Friends When Your Kids Are All In School

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How To Make Friends When Your Kids Are All In School

When your kids are small, making friends seems to be a bit easier, especially within military communities. Everyone has small kids, or so it seems. But something happens when your youngest child goes off to school, and you don’t have anyone at home with you all day anymore. Finding friends can be a bit more difficult once those toddler years are over.

How To Make Friends When Your Kids Are All In School

While a lot of civilians still live near people they met when their kids were younger, military spouses might not have that luxury. I know for me, that almost every single person I ever had a playdate with during the first few years of my son’s life has moved away. Those friends I used to meet at Chick-Fil-A at? They PCSd years ago. I have had to start over, and that is a lot harder to do when you don’t have little kids.

You start a new chapter in parenthood when your youngest child goes to school. Diapers are now in the past, you are probably sleeping pretty well, and your children start to make friends without you. You have less control than you once did, and sometimes you can go a long time without meeting the parents of your child’s friends from school. It’s just a different parenting world.

So what can you do? How do you make friends as a mom of older kids?

Sports

Sports are such a good place to make friends. You have to be there anyway, and often your kids will be with the same kids season after season. And usually, your kids will get along too. While you are sitting there watching your kid play, you can start conversations with other parents, and start to make friends that way.

How To Make Friends When Your Kids Are All In School

Scouts

Whether it is boy scouts or girl scouts, getting to know the other parents will be a good idea. Whether you are going to the events or even just the weekly meetings, you can start to meet the other moms and dads of those in your child’s group. Scouts can take a lot of your time but the benefit with that, more chances to meet people who you know you have something in common with.

Groups for you

You don’t just have to stick to groups for your kids, why not go to groups and clubs for yourself? Whether you are into running, books, arts, and crafts, or motorcycle riding. Finding people you have something in common with a good first step when it comes to making friends. Check out your local community to see what they have available that you might be able to join.

How To Make Friends When Your Kids Are All In School

Work

If you have a job outside the home, or even if you work from home, you can make friends through your work. While some people prefer to keep life and work separate, grabbing dinner with coworkers or planning a night in together can be a great thing. No kids involved.

FRG

The FRG, I know, gets a bad wrap. And maybe when you go all you see is moms with babies, and you feel like you are simply too old to be there. But give your FRG a chance. Most likely there is at least one other person in the Company who is in the same stage of life that you are, and they might be worth pursuing as a friend.

As we get older and our kids get older, connecting with other people doesn’t always come as easily as it once did, but there are ways to meet and befriend others during this new season of your life.

How have you been able to make friends now that your children are older?

The Military Spouse’s Guide to Making Friends in a Social Media World

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The Military Spouse’s Guide to Making Friends in a Social Media World

Making friends in a social media world should make things easier, right? I mean, we can talk to anyone at any time. If we wanted to find a friend who loves Doctor Who and lives in Kentucky, it would take us a couple of minutes to find a place to look for someone who fits that description. There are groups, communities, and pages for almost any type of topic.

So why is it still so hard to make friends? Why do we feel so alone when moving to our next duty station? Why is there so much drama when it comes to the military spouse community?

The Military Spouse's Guide to Making Friends in a Social Media World

Social media can be such a blessing for us military spouses. Social media allows us to talk to others at our future duty stations, stay connected to friends who have moved far away, and share photos and our lives with our family and friends back at home.

However, social media can also cause us to stay in our homes when we should be pushing ourselves for more in-person connections. Social media can also make us feel less than, as we tend to compare our full stories to everyone else’s highlight reel. Bullying is a lot easier to do online, as people can hide behind their phones and their computers.

So what is a military spouse to do when trying to find connections in this life?

Here are some ideas:

Use social media to help you find in-person events

Make sure of social media to find in-person events at your duty station. You can look for one time events such as a 5K, an MWR event, or something going on at the local library. You can also look for meetings and clubs that happen a couple times a month, or even weekly. Look for your local MOPS group, a book club, a running club, or a playgroup. In some cases, you can join a Facebook group, introduce yourself, and ask questions before you attend your first meeting.

Reach out but with caution

Don’t be afraid to reach out to people you meet in your local group or in person. But also, make sure to use caution. Not everyone is who they appear to be online. If you meet up with someone you met online, make sure to always do so in a public place and tell someone where you are going. You also don’t have to become friends with everyone you meet. Some people are better acquaintances while others will turn into best friends.

Don’t be afraid to start something new

If you can’t find the right group at your duty station, think about starting your own. There are probably other spouses in your area who are into what you are into too. Make a plan, post about it in your local Facebook group, and don’t be afraid to try more than once if the plan doesn’t work out at first. Sometimes new groups take a while to grow, but they can be the right answer when you are looking for friends you have something in common with.

Stay away from the drama, as much as you can

While you can’t stay away from drama 100%, you can make sure you are not looking for it or adding to it. Calling people names, bullying them online, and not showing kindness most of the time will cause you to be involved in more drama that you should be. Your life doesn’t have to involve that much drama, it really doesn’t.

Be real with your social media posts

Sometimes I wish we could all agree to be more real in our social media posts. Sometimes we only share things when life is going well. We only talk about when we moved into a big beautiful house, not how hard it was to save for the downpayment. We talk about how much we love our husband, but we don’t talk about how hard marriage can sometimes be. We talk about the homecoming and don’t mention that we too had too many nights when they were gone when we just didn’t think we could make it another day.

Don’t share everything

As much as being real on social media is a good idea, we also should make sure we are not oversharing everything. We can share that we are struggling without every single detail. And some conversations are better for private messages or in person get-togethers.

If we use social media to bash other people, that will make others be wary of befriending us. We don’t want to end up being a future post on your timeline. This also applies to Facebook groups as none of them are going to be as private as you think they are.

Don’t give up

Whatever you do, don’t give up on finding friends. Don’t just shut yourself up in your house with the excuse that everyone around you sucks. I don’t think that is true; you just haven’t found your people yet. If your friends have all just moved away, you might also feel like it would be too hard to try again, but if you do, you will find there are new friendships to make, and new people to meet.

Always remember OPSEC and PERSEC

Whenever you are on social media, make sure you are always thinking about OPSEC and PERSEC. You don’t want to share information that could be used by the enemy. You don’t want to share specific dates and locations or too much info about your service member. Always lean on the side of not sharing if you are not sure as that will never get you in trouble.

Finding friendships with other military spouses is a must. They can help you through the more difficult of times and allow you to have a much better experience at your duty station. Finding new friends isn’t always eat, but doing so is worth putting in the effort to find them, whether you do so on or offline.

Where do you like to find friends at your duty station?