Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

military families

Preventing Suicide: Resources to Help You and Your Family Members

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Preventing Suicide: Resources to Help You and Your Family Members

Before February of 2017, I was a bit ignorant on suicide. I knew that suicide affected a lot of people, I knew that depression existed and that the disease could be a reason someone lost their life, and I knew that sometimes people felt like they had no other choice. I also knew that suicide was an issue that affected the military profoundly, both the service member and the military spouse.

But then, in February of 2017, I got a phone call I never thought I would.

Preventing Suicide: Resources to Help You and Your Family Members

My dear sweet SIL had lost her battle with clinical depression, and everything changed for us. My sister-in-law appeared so happy. She had been married to my brother for almost four years. She always had a smile on her face, ran her own business, and was surrounded by people who loved her.

What we didn’t know was what she was struggling with behind closed doors. What we didn’t know is how much pain she was in. We didn’t know that despite everything going on, she was still struggling and in the end, she could no longer fight the disease that took hold of her.

After we lost her, people started sharing their own stories with us. Maybe it was a sibling, maybe a mom or a dad, maybe a best friend. I started to hear stories of suicide everywhere I went, in the media and from others as they shared what they have been through.

The truth is, suicide is something that affects so many of us in the military and non-military worlds. Service members won’t get the help they need because they are worried about their careers. Spouses don’t reach out because they don’t want to seem like they are less than. People hide so much, even when they need help, and the rest of us are not sure what we can do.

Preventing Suicide: Resources to Help You and Your Family Members

We post reminders of the suicide hotline, we let others know we can be a listening ear, we fight for changes in the government so that people can get the help that they need, but is this enough?

The truth is, as a military spouse, this is something we need to be aware of. The risk of suicide is 22% higher for veterans than for those who have never served. 22%! These men and women who have served their country so bravely, come home from war with struggles we can’t even begin to understand, and then become at risk for something that can be preventable.

I hope that these links and resources can help you. Whether you have a spouse who is struggling, a friend or family member, you are struggling yourself, or you just want to become more informed about the issue:

Organizations & Websites

Stop Soldier Suicide– This organization works 1 one 1 with troops, veterans, and military families to help them navigate what is available. They are advocates to help figure out what each person needs to get better.

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention– One of the best resources out there for information on warning signs and risk factors, statistics, and treatment.

Be There Peer Support and Outreach Center– The Be There Peer Assistance Line is the only dedicated DOD peer support call and outreach center. It is available to all service members and their families, including the Reserves and the National Guard.

Dasium- This organization focuses on teens and young adults who are at risk for depression, addiction, and suicide. They use the power of stories and personal experiences to help develop programs and resources in an engaging and effective way.

Operation We Are Here– This website has tons of resources for counseling, crisis help, suicide, mental health, and more.

Objective Zero App – Ending Veteran, Military Suicide- This is a mobile app and nonprofit to help connect veterans to suicide prevention resources as well as a community of veterans, counselors, and concerned citizens, all done anonymously.

Make the Connection– This online resource is designed to connect veterans as well as their family members and friends as well as other supporters with information resources and solutions to issues affecting their lives.

Veterans Crisis Line– This organization helps veterans that are in crisis with a hotline, chat, and text so that they can talk with caring VA responders. They also have a wealth of recourses on their website.

Preventing Suicide: Resources to Help You and Your Family Members

Blog Posts & Articles

Sometimes hearing the stories of others can help us with our pain, give us strength, and even cause us to take action when we knew we need extra help. Here are some personal stories and articles about suicide and mental health:

What Depression Feels Like

Why Us? Because Suicide, Depression, and Addiction Aren’t Selective…

Homefront Operations: Ways to fight the silent battle of suicide

Have you been affected by suicide?

Please give tomorrow a chance

The Day He Contemplated Suicide

We’d Be Better Off Without You (Part one)

Do you know of any resources or blog posts to add to this list?

5 Benefits of Not Going Home For Christmas

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5 Benefits of Not Going Home For Christmas

5 Benefits of Not Going Home For Christmas

I live precisely 1,996.1 miles from my family in California. Going home for Christmas doesn’t happen very often, in fact, the last time it did was 2007, ten years ago. Since then, we have spent every Christmas in our own home. My boys are so used to being in our own home for Christmas that I think it would be weird for them to be somewhere else on Christmas day.

I do hope that sometime in the future, going home for Christmas is something we can do. With my husband’s work schedule, the cost of plane tickets and all of that, traveling over the holidays just doesn’t work out.

A lot of military families are in the same boat. Being stationed on the other side of the country or even across the ocean from your family makes it hard to go home for Christmas. When you are on a budget, you look for other times of year to go home when the tickets are not quite as expensive.

Every year I am happy we have our own little Christmas, but at the same time, I get sad about not spending the day with our families. I get homesick on Christmas Day and wish we could do things differently.

However, I don’t want to spend the whole season being upset about it. I look at the benefits of not going home for the holidays, and I embrace them.

5 Benefits of Not Going Home For Christmas

If you are sad about not going home for Christmas this year, here are five benefits of not going home for Christmas:

1. Make your traditions

When you don’t go home for Christmas, you can create your traditions and basically do what you want. You are in a lot more control about what happens over the holidays. You can open gifts on Christmas Eve, cook what you want, and celebrate the day or days, however is best for your own family.

2. You can invite people to your home

By staying home, you can invite family to your own home for Christmas. If you like hosting, this could be ideal. You can be the home where everyone goes on Christmas day.

3. Your kids wake up Christmas day in their own house

I love that my kids get to wake up in their own home on Christmas day. They will always remember that. I will too. They can get up as they want, wake us up a little too early, and we can open presents as a family in our pj’s.

5 Benefits of Not Going Home For Christmas

4. Spend time with friends

If you have friends that didn’t go home for Christmas too, you can make plans to see them too. You can plan a dessert or even part of Christmas dinner together. If your spouse is deployed, you can get together with other spouses who also have a deployed spouse this holiday season. These other spouses will understand what you are going through this year.

5. Explore the traditions of your duty station

Whether you are stationed in Kentucky, New York, or Germany, explore what is going on in your local community. They could have traditions you don’t have at home. While a warm break from colder weather would be nice, I love that it could snow on Christmas here, even if it rarely does. That wasn’t something that could ever happen growing up, and my inner child gets excited about the possibility of a white Christmas.

If you are stationed overseas during the holidays, you could be in for a big treat. Learn about the different traditions from your host country and take some back with you when you move back to the US. Visit the Christmas markets, go to a Christmas Luau, and enjoy what your current country does for the holidays.

Christmas is a magical time, and just because you can’t go home for Christmas, that doesn’t mean you can’t make your own memories where you are now.

Do you typically go home for the holidays or do you like celebrating right where you are?

Why Military Families Need a Dog

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Why Military Families Need a DogWhy Military Families Need a Dog

I knew we would probably always get a dog someday. I grew up with a cat, I didn’t know dogs very well but I knew our family would have one someday. My husband grew up with dogs and even worked with military working dogs in 2011. He knew dogs so I knew that he would help me figure things out once we got one.

We had talked about getting a dog once things settled down after my husband got out of Active duty. But, one day, a few months before his ETS date he came home from work with a picture of a dog on his phone asking me if we could get a dog now. A buddy of his needed to find a new home for their one-year-old Hound mix.

I wasn’t so sure at first because I had never had a dog before and I thought I would have more time to prepare. I asked my husband if he thought she would be a good fit for us and he thought she would. At first, I said no, but then I looked at that photo again and all I could think was that she was our dog. She would be perfect. So we said we would take her.

A few days later, she came by with her owners and fit right in. That was almost three years ago and I can say I have LOVED having a dog. For so many reasons. I get now why so many of my friends who have owned dogs love having a dog. I wish we had gotten one sooner.

Why military families need a dog

Our dog, Gwen, 3 years old.

So, why should military families get a dog?

For when your spouse is deployed- I LOVE having a dog when my husband has not been home. She is my protector and my companion. I can always talk to her and she always listens. She helps with the loneliness that can come from having a husband who sometimes works away from the home. I think of all the years and deployments I went through without a dog and how in the future, I wouldn’t want to go through a deployment without one. And I know our dog did provide comfort to her previous owner during a deployment as well.

For the children- All of my boys love our dog but my son with Asperger’s has a special bond with her. I love that. She can help calm him down and he enjoys giving her a hug every night before bed. You can also have your children help with the dog chores which can help them feel even more a part of the dog’s life.

For the joy they bring to your home- One big difference between dogs and cats is that cats will pretty much ignore you and dogs will follow you around the house. When we first got her, she was always at my side. I would go downstairs to grab a drink of water and she would follow me. These days she tends to not do that as much unless I have been away from the house for a while. Then she greets me like I had been gone for years. Our dog has brought us so much joy and I love having her.

The hard part about having a dog when you are a military family is the moving you have to do. Having a dog will make PCSing a little bit harder than it otherwise would be, especially if you are going overseas. Here are some posts I found to help with PCSing with your pet:

PCing and Your Pet

5 Things to Remember when PCSing with a Pet

Pet PCS: Moving Tips For Pet Owners

What about you? Do you have a dog or any other type of pet?

Dear Army, Don’t Cut Family Programs, Love Military Spouses

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Dear Army, Don't Cut Family Programs, Love Military Spouses

Dear Army, Don’t Cut Family Programs, Love Military Spouses

Last week I saw an article about how the Army will be looking at cutting family programsat Military.com.I understand the need for some budget cuts. I get that spending too much isn’t a good idea sometimes. But cutting family programs is not a good solution. There has to be other places where we can save money. There has to be another way instead of cutting programs that benefit military spouses and military families.

From the time I first became a military spouse, I have used military programs like MWR, PWOC, MOPS, Childcare and other programs that have been put on by organizations on post. These programs are important, especially for the new Army spouse that is feeling a little lost or for the spouse of a deployed soldier who just wants to find things to do with their children.

I hate the thought that family programs could be cut.

So that future generations of Army spouses will not be able to have access to them or to get that little extra care that they need.

I would hate to think that a new military spouse would arrive at a new duty station and not find ways to get connected. That she or he would feel like the military doesn’t care about them or wants to support them.

Some will say that because the wars are “wrapping up,” we don’t need as much family support. The truth is, soldiers and other branches of the military are still deploying. They are still leaving their families for months at a time and they still need extra support to get through deployments, through pcsing or anything else military life brings.

As long as we have a military and as long as they are doing their jobs, we will always have families that need that support.

So why should the Army keep family programs? Why are they valuable? Can’t spouses just get together with friends and get through the hardships of military life that way?

The main reason is that these family programs support the spouse and family of the service member and military families need as much support as possible. Yes, a nice get together with friends is a great way to connect with others but not everyone can do that. The Army needs programs where people can come together, meet others and find ways to support one another through the programs that are offered.

Not only are these programs a way to make friends but they allow the military spouse to make friends, find volunteer positions and can bring the whole military community together.

Children benefit from the activities that MWR and other organizations put on too. From egg hunts to Halloween fun. From free backpacks to free concerts.

To the service member, knowing their family is being taken care of is very important. They have a lot of work to do, both in the United States and overseas. Whether it is a deployment to Iraq or a school in Washington DC.

If we want a strong military, we need to support the families of the military.

When my husband was deployed for the 2nd time in 2009, I found PWOC to be my weekly place to get grounded and connect with other spouses. In 2013, when he was deployed to Afghanistan, MOPS became my go-to and within those meetings, I was able to connect with other spouses and know that I was not alone in what I was going through.

I have been to countless MWR programs put on in Germany and Ft. Campbell. I have heard other spouses talk about what these programs have meant and have done for them over the years.

Please don’t cut family programs. Find another way. The military spouses need them. We need them. The service member needs them. Our country needs them.

What To Do When Your Spouse Gets Last Minute Deployment Orders

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What To Do When Your Spouse Gets Last Minute Deployment Orders

Deployments are a part of life for the military spouse. Although you might go a few years in between, you are usually not surprised when you find out your spouse is going to have to go on one. Usually, you have some time to prepare. Some people know even a year before the deployment, most people find out with a few months to prepare.

What To Do When Your Spouse Gets Last Minute Deployment Orders

Every once in a while, a deployment gets scheduled at the last minute. As you are working on planning your summer, you could find out that your husband has to deploy in early June. After booking a trip home for Christmas, you find out your spouse is going to be deployed two weeks before. A last minute deployment can knock the wind out of you but know you will be able to handle what is to come.

Here is what you can do when your spouse gets last minute deployment orders:

  • Breathe- When you first hear that your spouse is actually going to deploy, you will feel like your heart has stopped. You might be thinking about how he wasn’t supposed to go or how he had just returned home not too long before. You might be thinking about what he was going to miss and feeling like you needed more time to prepare for this news. This is all normal. Deployments are no joke but remember to breathe. Take some time for yourself to adjust to the news. Go for a run, write in your journal or talk with a friend. Getting used to the idea of a deployment takes time and if they received last-minute deployment orders, you won’t have much time to adjust to what is about to happen.
  • Cry- If you need to cry, do so. It really is okay. A lot of people need to cry it out in order to accept what is to come. I know that is how I cope with these types of things. Crying is how I can get my pain out and how I can focus on the next step. If you first reaction to a deployment is to cry into your spouse’s arms, do so. That doesn’t mean you don’t support them. It just means you are having a hard time with the news and you will need to figure out how you can get through it.
  • Plan- Planning for a deployment is important, even if you only have a few days to do so. Look at how long they are supposed to be gone and make a plan for each month. Focus on you and your family. You will want to stay busy during the deployment and doing so requires a little bit of planning. If you can, plan a fun trip halfway through or even a party to celebrate that you have made it that far through the deployment.
  • Think of the positives- Every deployment has positives. You might have to look hard for them but they are there. Were you in need of a new car? Maybe the deployment pay can help with that. Saving for a house? Deployment pay can help you get into one faster. Think about the benefits of a deployment and focus on those. More time to read, more time to work out and fewer clothes to wash each week.
  • Connect- Find other military spouses to connect with. This will help with the deployment and accept that it is actually coming. If you know any of the other spouses that will also be dealing with this deployment too, make a plan for a lunch or dinner before or right after the deployment starts. Getting through a deployment will be easier with friends by your side. You will also need people to help support you while your spouse is gone.

deployment support

No one wants a last minute deployment but they can happen. If this has happened to you, know that you can get through this just like you would if you had more time. In some ways, not having as long to worry about the deployment could be a blessing in the end.

Has your spouse received last minute deployment orders? How did you handle that?

5 Tips to Help Celebrate Your Marriage During a Deployment

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5 Tips to Help Celebrate Your Marriage During a Deployment

5 Tips to Help Celebrate Your Marriage During a Deployment

It was our 5th anniversary. I woke up that morning and something was different, something was off. We had spent our 1st anniversary on a weekend getaway, our 2nd, 3rd and 4th we had a nice dinner together. But this was number 5. That’s a big deal when you are newly married. 5 years is longer than high school or college and gives you enough time to look back on where you have been. But this anniversary was going to be different. He was deployed. He was in Iraq and we would not be spending it together.

I knew that in order to have a good day I would have to make it so. We would not be going on any trips or going out to dinner. We wouldn’t be going to the movies or a play or even just spending the day together. No, this anniversary would be different.

I decided to order a steak dinner from a local restaurant and have the food delivered after my little boys went to bed. I ate the dinner sitting in front of the computer waiting for my husband to come online. Celebrating your anniversary this way is normal for a military spouse.

Anniversaries are there to celebrate your marriage. You celebrate the time you have had together. To look at the past and look forward to the future. Celebrating your marriage is important. Whether you have only been married a year or for fifty years.

But how do you celebrate your marriage when they are deployed or away at a training? How do you celebrate when your heart aches for them? What can you do to feel closer?

Here are some ideas on how to celebrate your marriage during a deployment…

1. Write love letters- Love letters are the best. You could write your husband a love letter about how much you celebrate your marriage. Talk about when you first got married and your hopes for the future. You can pour out your heart on pretty stationary and mail it off to him. You can send him a series of letters or even a funny card.

2. Make a scrapbook- There is nothing better than going through old photos and looking back on previous memories during your marriage. You can take some time and put together a scrapbook for your deployed spouse. You could keep it simple and just put photos in an album or you could use stickers, cute paper and add a bit of journaling to the book. You could also make a book on a website like Shutterfly.

3. Send a care package- Put together a special anniversary care package. You can decorate the box however you want and include some of your favorite items. Think about what your spouse would love to see in a love themed package from you.

4. Have a Skype date- Planning when they will be online might be difficult but if you can plan for a special Skype date on your anniversary, go for it. You could sit and talk over dinner. You could plan to watch the same movie at the same time or just enjoy being able to see each other on the video. You could also do this over the phone instead. This is not going to replace a real date but it’s the best way to spend time together when you are miles apart.

5. Make plans for after the deployment- If you can’t celebrate your marriage during the deployment, make plans to do so after. You could plan a special trip or even just a meal at a nice restaurant. You can always celebrate your anniversary later. There is no rule that it has to be on that day. We have been able to celebrate our anniversaries months later by making a plan for a getaway when we were able to after a deployment.

Leave a comment and let me know how you have celebrated your marriage during a deployment. Have you done anything special and creative?

What You Should Never Say To A Military Spouse

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What You Should Never Say To A Military Spouse

I love the military spouse community. In my local area and online. I love all the supportive people I have met over the years. I love how we can help each other out. The truth is, a lot of us can feel lost in the sea of separations, losing friends and the hardships that military life can bring.

We don’t always have good days and sometimes we really just need someone to listen and help us get through the struggle.

What You Should Never Say To A Military Spouse

Some spouses are quite lonely and can’t imagine how we are going to get through the next few months.

Some spouses struggle with depression and anxiety. To be alone in the house is terrifying. Yet, they married a soldier. Someone who will deploy. Someone who will not always be home.

Some spouses are homesick and miss having a group of friends. They are having a hard time finding a new friend group. And yet, here they are, on the eve of a deployment, unsure about how they are going to get through the 9 months he will be away.

Some spouses lost a parent or a child and are finding life more difficult than usual.

Some spouses are just sad about how things are going and what’s ahead for them. Military life can be scary.

Some spouses have been through several deployments already and they are tired and want a break. One that will not come because of trainings and more deployments in the future.

Some spouses are struggling with their marriages and can’t figure out how to get things to a better place.

Some spouses are having a hard time with their children. Children who are missing their father so much they act out and those with special needs that are missing the support that the other parent in the home brings.

These spouses need support. They need love. They need kind suggestions. They do not need harsh words. They do not need to feel less than or that something is wrong with them for missing their husband a little too much. They do not need to feel like bad moms because they don’t feel like they are getting this solo parenting thing down.

Over the years I have heard phrases that make me cringe. Comments from other military spouses that should not be said. Comments that sting and create a divide in the military world.

So as a community, this is what you should never say to a military spouse!

“Well, you knew what you signed up for.” Actually, no one knows this. Each military career is different depending on different factors. Each spouse handles things in different ways. You never know what you are signing up for.

“Why are you complaining? At least your deployment is only 9 months instead of 12.” Oh, the deployment comparison game we like to play. It’s easy to do. Your friend is upset about a shorter deployment and you wish your spouse could only be gone for that amount of time. I get that. But we simply don’t have to say anything to that friend. We don’t. Telling someone that they should be happy their spouse is only gone for X amount of time is not helpful.

“I wish my husband would deploy.” Sigh…yes, we get it. Some people do want their spouse to deploy. I do believe that is valid. But it should probably not be said to a spouse whose husband does deploy a lot or is going through a deployment. To a spouse who would give anything for her husband to not deploy.

“Dependa anything” Do I need to say more? Is this even a word? Who even started using it? Please just stop with this term. It’s insulting.

We need to remember that not everyone is going to handle military life the same way. We are all going through something, whether we admit what that is to people or not. We all have a story to tell. What is easy for one person is going to be more difficult for others.

As a military community, we need to come together and help support the struggling military spouse.

Help them get through her current struggle. Let her know we are there for her and we get it. Because like it or not, we are in this together. We are the people who stand behind those who serve our great country. We are the ones they miss and the ones they come home to. We can be supportive and we can be the help someone needs to get through everything military life throws at her.

Have you ever seen We Were Soldiers? The DVD has a deleted scene that I have always loved. The deleted scene is all the wives in the church while their husbands are fighting in Vietnam. What I love about this scene is it is the perfect example of spouses being there for each other. One of the wives was to sing a song in front of the church and just couldn’t do it. What did the other spouses do? They started singing with her. I love this because this act is a small example of military spouses being there for one another, the way that we should be.

How can you support other military spouses?