Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

military families

What You Should Never Say To A Military Spouse

by Leave a Comment

What You Should Never Say To A Military Spouse

I love the military spouse community. In my local area and online. I love all the supportive people I have met over the years. I love how we can help each other out. The truth is, a lot of us can feel lost in the sea of separations, losing friends and the hardships that military life can bring.

We don’t always have good days and sometimes we really just need someone to listen and help us get through the struggle.

What You Should Never Say To A Military Spouse

 

Some spouses are quite lonely and can’t imagine how we are going to get through the next few months.

Some spouses struggle with depression and anxiety. To be alone in the house is terrifying. Yet, they married a soldier. Someone who will deploy. Someone who will not always be home.

Some spouses are homesick and miss having a group of friends. They are having a hard time finding a new friend group. And yet, here they are, on the eve of a deployment, unsure about how they are going to get through the 9 months he will be away.

Some spouses lost a parent or a child and are finding life more difficult than usual.

Some spouses are just sad about how things are going and what’s ahead for them. Military life can be scary.

Some spouses have been through several deployments already and they are tired and want a break. One that will not come because of trainings and more deployments in the future.

Some spouses are struggling with their marriages and can’t figure out how to get things to a better place.

Some spouses are having a hard time with their children. Children who are missing their father so much they act out and those with special needs that are missing the support that the other parent in the home brings.

These spouses need support. They need love. They need kind suggestions. They do not need harsh words. They do not need to feel less than or that something is wrong with them for missing their husband a little too much. They do not need to feel like bad moms because they don’t feel like they are getting this solo parenting thing down.

Over the years I have heard phrases that make me cringe. Comments from other military spouses that should not be said. Comments that sting and create a divide in the military world.

So as a community, this is what you should never say to a military spouse!

“Well, you knew what you signed up for.” Actually, no one knows this. Each military career is different depending on different factors. Each spouse handles things in different ways. You never know what you are signing up for.

“Why are you complaining? At least your deployment is only 9 months instead of 12.” Oh, the deployment comparison game we like to play. It’s easy to do. Your friend is upset about a shorter deployment and you wish your spouse could only be gone for that amount of time. I get that. But we simply don’t have to say anything to that friend. We don’t. Telling someone that they should be happy their spouse is only gone for X amount of time is not helpful.

“I wish my husband would deploy.” Sigh…yes, we get it. Some people do want their spouse to deploy. I do believe that is valid. But it should probably not be said to a spouse whose husband does deploy a lot or is going through a deployment. To a spouse who would give anything for her husband to not deploy.

“Dependa anything” Do I need to say more? Is this even a word? Who even started using it? Please just stop with this term. It’s insulting.

We need to remember that not everyone is going to handle military life the same way. We are all going through something, whether we admit what that is to people or not. We all have a story to tell. What is easy for one person is going to be more difficult for others.

As a military community, we need to come together and help support the struggling military spouse.

Help them get through her current struggle. Let her know we are there for her and we get it. Because like it or not, we are in this together. We are the people who stand behind those who serve our great country. We are the ones they miss and the ones they come home to. We can be supportive and we can be the help someone needs to get through everything military life throws at her.

Have you ever seen We Were Soldiers? The DVD has a deleted scene that I have always loved. The deleted scene is all the wives in the church while their husbands are fighting in Vietnam. What I love about this scene is it is the perfect example of spouses being there for each other. One of the wives was to sing a song in front of the church and just couldn’t do it. What did the other spouses do? They started singing with her. I love this because this act is a small example of military spouses being there for one another, the way that we should be.

How can you support other military spouses?

 

The Father Who Has Missed So Much

by 1 Comment

The Father Who Has Missed So Much

“Yes, when he was 2.5 he was doing that too,” my husband said to me one day when we were watching our children play. He was talking about our oldest when he was the same age as his little brother.

“No, he didn’t. You were deployed remember?”

This kind of conversation happens often at our house. Memory is an interesting thing. We never fully remember the way things really were. In my husband’s case, he just wasn’t there for a lot of what happened during my children’s earlier years.

He was deployed. Away from home serving his country.

My husband is a wonderful father. I knew he would be from the first week that I met him. I saw how he talked about children, how he showed me photos of his niece that he kept in his wallet. He was a good uncle then and I knew he would make a great father in the future.

We became parents in 2004 and I was proven right. From the start, he knew just what to do. He and my son bonded right away and our parenting journey was off to a great start.

13 months later we were saying goodbye and starting our military journey.

One that would take this great father away from his children for months on end. He would end up missing so much. So so much.

He missed when my son started to walk. I filmed it and sent it to him in Germany. He missed his 2nd birthday by a month so we celebrated that one early. He missed his 3rd birthday and his 5th birthday and his 9th birthday. He missed the birth of his 2nd little boy and his whole first year. He missed me figuring out how to be a mom to two. He missed our son starting preschool and learning to talk in sentences. He missed potty training and Christmas and summers. He missed a lot of those early years, ones that we will never get back. As I look back over the years I know this is a part of what we signed up for.

When you join the military, you are not only signing up to defend your country but you are also signing up for months without your family.

You are signing up to say that you will miss birthdays and anniversaries and births and all the firsts that most Dad’s get to be around for. As heartbreaking as missing these moments are, you know this is all apart of your job.

This father’s day I can’t help but think of my husband and all the other dads that have missed so much over the years. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to say goodbye to my son at three weeks and not see him again until he was 11 months old. One letter my husband wrote to me during that time talked about how weird it was to have two boys and love them both so much but to only really know one of them.

That’s just how it is sometimes. Some dads don’t get to meet their children until they are crawling. Others miss out on kindergarten and some will watch their son or daughter graduate from high school on a video.

These men know this when they sign up for the military but it doesn’t make going through it any easier.

Let’s remember these fathers this Father’s Day. Let’s remember what they have given up over the years to serve our country. Let’s never forget about their children and the sacrifices they make going through their lives without him by their side for all the moments and milestones they go through.

My husband is in a place in his career where he won’t have too many more times where he will be away from us. This is freeing and I am looking forward to our family always having him there. However, I will never forget the years that he wasn’t, what he has missed and what others are missing in the years to come.

WeVets: Give Veterans A Voice

by Leave a Comment

Sponsored Post Graphic

 

When you move to a new city, knowing where to go, where to shop or where to eat can be overwhelming. You might not have ever heard about that store down the road. You might be lost when it comes to the local military clinic and you might just need some help figuring out which places are worth going to.

WeVets

This is the mobile version of the site.

 

This is where a place like WeVets comes in handy. This is a new website for active duty military, veterans, their families and supporters to access resources and review businesses, programs and organizations designed to serve the military and veteran space. You can go to WeVets to look up information on the businesses, organizations, and resources that you need to serve you and your family. The reviews will be written by other military families which can be important. You can find reviews on places like Lowes, Disneyworld, IHOP, the military clinic and the vets office. You can leave your own reviews as well to help others who are curious about a location that you have been to.

Right now the website is still in beta but they need your help to build it up. If you can, head on over and sign up. Leave a review or two and share with your friends. If you need to know about a particular service, look and see if it is on the site. You can read the reviews and learn more about what other people have experienced by visiting those places.

Take some time to watch the video as well.

 

This website is going to be a great resource for those in the military. It will allow people to find out more information on the places they want to go.  This is a great idea for a population of people who move around a lot or don’t know the area they are in as well as they want to. Go check them out…:)

 

Keeping You And Your Military Family Safe

by Leave a Comment

lifelock

Keeping You And Your Military Family Safe 

As a part of a Military family I am aware of the chance of identity theft. It has happened to us in the past as well as finding out that one of our bank accounts was compromised. When someone steals from you it can feel surreal like it wasn’t supposed to be something that you would ever have to deal with. The reality is that it can happen and you should do what you can to keep you and your family’s information safe. You don’t want to end up in a situation where someone has gained access to your personal information or has been able to take money from you.

A few years ago I visited my bank online like I do every morning and saw a few charges that I was not familiar with. They were all for purchases from an online site. I thought this was strange because even though I do work online I was not aware of the company that my money was going to. It wasn’t a ton of money but I knew something strange was going on. I called my bank and we were able to get it figured out. I ended up having to open a new account and had to close out the old one. That took some time and was quite a hassle but it was the safest thing we could do.

92e574c8-480b-4582-bb88-d8ad2f85805b

I hated the feeling that someone stole my card information and thought they could get away with it. Just like how you would feel violated if someone broke into your home, you feel that way when someone has broken into your bank account. Ever since that experience I have been a lot more careful about my information. I use a special card for online purchases and I make sure I am aware of who is getting my bank information.

It seems like the more that technology advances the more ways there are to steal someone’s information or their identity.

Identity theft can be a huge problem for military families. With all the moving around and traveling we military families might do, sometimes things get overlooked and it can make it easier for a thief to steal information. One way to to reduce the risk of identity theft use LifeLock. 

 

 

LifeLock offers three layers of protection:

  • Detect- They use advanced technology to constantly monitor over a trillion data points to help detect suspicious uses of your identity information to get loans, credit and services in your name.
  • Alert-LifeLock uses a very good alert system. LifeLock will send you a potential fraud alert by text, phone or email*. If you confirm that the suspicious transaction is fraudulent, your LifeLock team is on it.
  • Restore- LifeLock’s US-based Identity Protection Agents are ready to help with identity theft restoration. If your identity is ever compromised, an Identity Restoration Specialist takes charge.

 

As you can see, LifeLock will have your back! They understand what identity thieves do to gain information and how they plan to use it. 

If you are interested in signing up, LifeLock has a great special offer for Active and Retired Military personnel and their families.

Their military offer is 30 DAYS FREE, 15% OFF, PLUS A FREE AMERICAN FLAG. Promo code to take advantage of this offer is WESALUTE3.

Make sure you and your family’s information is safe and secure and go on over to LifeLock to sign up.

This is a sponsored conversation written by me on behalf of LifeLock. The opinions and text are all mine.

Deployments and The Effect on Children

by 3 Comments

Deployments and The Effect on Children

Deployments and The Effect on Children

After four deployments, our family knows what it is like to go long periods of time without Dad in the home. It can be so challenging for the parent at home to have to be mom and dad. It can also be really hard on the children who might not truly understand why their mom or dad has to be away from them.

Since the war in Afghanistan began in 2001, more than 2 million American children have had a deployed parent. Many of them have seen multiple deployments. This tells me that we are not alone and that all these children have gone through or are going through what my own boys have.

Our last deployment ended in 2013 and my boys were 9, 7 and 3. At those ages they only kind of understand what Dad was doing. It was a hard time for all of us as I helped them work through the time apart while trying to deal with the deployment myself. It can be difficult to know what will help them and what they are really dealing with.

The best thing to do is to keep the line of communication open with your children. Let them know it is okay to share with you how they are feeling or what they are experiencing. Encourge them to reach out to you if it becomes too hard. Sometimes young kids will act out when they are feeling frustrated about the deployment. It is important to keep firm boundaries in your home but be aware that some behavior could be because of missing one of their parents.

One idea is to have a recordable device that the deployed parent can set up to give to the child. Recordable teddy bears, along with other battery-powered devices such as recordable story books provide reliable comfort no matter when or where their parent is deployed.

Duracell has a great out all about how a Teddy Bear can help a child through a deployment. This video made me cry because it shows us how hard it can be for a child to be without their dad. It is nice that we live in a time where technology can help that divide and allow the child to hear their parent’s voice whenever they want. The film was inspired by a real Military child who was showed Duracell a Teddy Bear she had during her father’s deployment.

Duracell would like to raise $100,000 for USO’s Comfort Crew for Military Kids. Share the film and find out how you donate to the cause through the USO at http://www.uso.org/donate.

You can also find Duracell on Facebook and Twitter.

 

This review was made possible by iConnect and Duracell. I was provided compensation to facilitate this post, but all opinions are 100% mine.

 

 

Finding Balance During A Military Deployment

by 1 Comment

20120908-IMG_9336My next post for Blue Star Families will be about balance during a deployment.

Balance is something I think most people try to achieve in all areas of their life. They want to balance work with home and family. It is no different for us Military families. The issue for us is that it can be more difficult to find that balance, especially during a deployment. When a spouse is gone it is up to the other spouse to fill in the gaps. This can be quite difficult.

I know for myself I work towards balance but I always feel like I am falling short. For example, we might have a day where the kids have a lot of fun but I just can’t get to everything that needs to get done in the house. We might eat a yummy meal but the laundry doesn’t get done. It can be frustrating but I do try hard to let things go. I try to tell myself that I am doing the work of two parents right now. Not everything is going to be perfect.

I also try not to take on too much. Right now we are getting used to 1st and 2nd grade homework. It is taking quite some time each day. By the time we are done, it is time to make dinner. I simply can’t see how we could add in a sport or another afternoon activity right now. I just don’t have the strength to juggle that. I know that about myself so I try to make choices based on what I think I can handle.

I think balancing everything perfectly is such a hard thing to do. I think for most of us we just try to do out best with what we have. We try to make time for everything that needs to get done. We try not to ignore parts of our lives that might need our attention.

How do you achieve balance as a Military spouse?

 

Follow Blue Star Families on Facebook, Twitter, and Google+ and build a support network so you can keep your family and personal community strong throughout the duration of the entire deployment life cycle.

Flying With Children When You Are By Yourself

by 2 Comments

If your spouse is in the Military, you have probably had to travel somewhere by yourself. If you have had to do this with children, you know how challenging doing so can be. I have had to do it too many times. I am not a pro at flying with my children and I get through the challenge by preparing a little and praying a lot. Here are just a few tips that you might find helpful.

Flying With Children When You Are By Yourself

1) Don’t book a super early morning flight. If you can, make the flight later in the morning or later in the day. Waking up at 3am to get to the airport in time has never ever worked for me. What usually happens is that I don’t sleep the night before or only get an hour or two. It is just not good to start a day of travel that way. So if you can, don’t book early morning flights.

2) Media is your friend. When we were flying back from California the last time my son played with the Kindle Fire. I didn’t have to worry about him at all. Now for the younger kids, this might not work but I will never not fly with some type of media for my kids again. The only reason we survived trips overseas and back was because the kids were able to watch movies. You do have to remember that they are not allowed to use them on take off and when you land. It is a good idea to talk to your kids about that rule beforehand.Flying with children

3) Prizes. Before flying I tell my boys that they will get a prize once we are seated on the airplane and they have their seatbelts on. This really works for my son with Autism as he does really well when you plan ahead like that. I usually give them a small Lego or something I know they would love and that will keep them entertained. You can go to the dollar store or even a thrift store to find little toys they have never played with before. Give them out throughout the flight.

4) Don’t try to be supermom. I think there is this idea that if you are a good mom, your kids will be perfect angels when they fly. The reality is, kids are kids. You do what you can as a Mom to get everyone on that plane and to make it through the flight. I don’t mean ignore your kids if they are being loud or acting up, but give yourself a break. You are traveling alone with children. Your husband might be deployed and you might be at the end of your rope. People might stare and people might comment but don’t let it get to you. You know you are a good parent but you are being tested and it is okay if it doesn’t go the way it should. Some people are rude, some people have no idea what it is like to fly with kids and some people have forgotten what traveling with small kids is like.

5) Accept help when it comes. I am bad about this. I want to do it all myself. But there are nice people out there. Someone might ask if they can help you carry a car seat, let them. Someone might ask if you need help getting into your seats, let them. Be polite and ask the flight attendants if you need something. They should be understanding.

What tips would you have for traveling along with children?

Too Many Years of War

by 5 Comments

On March 19th, 2003 Operation Iraqi Freedom began.  My husband and I went to downtown Santa Rosa, CA where we were living and took part in a support the troops rally. My husband was not active duty Army at this time. He didn’t re-join until the end of 2005. During this rally we saw a lot of patriotic signs. I was very much for what we were doing and supported it fully. I also supported the troops and wanted them to know that people out there stood behind them and supported them. War in Iraq

At the time I had no idea what the words, “War on Terror,” “Afghanistan” or “Iraq” would mean to my personal life. I had no idea how supporting the troops would go from holding up signs, to sending my own husband off to war. I really had no inkling that TEN years later we would be getting ready for a fourth deployment.

The war in Afghanistan started October 7, 2001. That is 11+ years ago. 11 years of war!

My husband has been to Afghanistan before, but just for a few months. His upcoming deployment he will be there for a lot longer. He has been to Iraq twice for a total of 26 months. I hope this next deployment is the last time he has to go to Afghanistan.

When I look at what has happened in Iraq and Afghanistan as a whole over the last few years it does look like we are winding down. When I think about the surge in Iraq and how that affected us, it makes this next deployment look easy. But then you never really know. My husband could be extended again for any amount of time. We really don’t know.

I want the American people to know that although things are not like they were in say 2006, we are still sending our Military to start new deployments in Afghanistan. We probably will for a while longer. We probably will always be sending someone there. And others are still being sent to Iraq. As time passes it might be easy for America to forget everything we have done over there. If it isn’t on the news 24/7, it sometimes is forgotten But our family can’t forget. That is what happens when a member of your family serves in the Military. You know first hand about war and what it is like to love someone fighting in it. And 11 years is a long time to be at war when you are a Military family.

I would love to think that we can enter a time of peace but I also know that there are other countries and parts of the world that might need our Military, even if everything settles down completely in Afghanistan. And I should expect that as long as my husband is in the Army. It is apart of his job. But that doesn’t stop me from praying for peace or hoping that things don’t get as bad as they have been the last 11 years. It doesn’t stop me from hoping that the next big fight America is in can be over quickly and without as much loss as we have had with Iraq and Afghanistan. I suppose only time will tell.

“The soldier is the Army. No army is better than its soldiers. The Soldier is also a citizen. In fact, the highest obligation and privilege of citizenship is that of bearing arms for one’s country”
― George S. Patton Jr.