The Military Spouse Life…
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military families
What To Do When Your Spouse Gets Last Minute Deployment Orders
What To Do When Your Spouse Gets Last Minute Deployment Orders
Deployments are a part of life for the military spouse. Although you might go a few years in between, you are usually not surprised when you find out your spouse is going to have to go on one. Usually, you have some time to prepare. Some people know even a year before the deployment, most people find out with a few months to prepare.
Every once in a while, a deployment gets scheduled at the last minute. As you are working on planning your summer, you could find out that your husband has to deploy in early June. After booking a trip home for Christmas, you find out your spouse is going to be deployed two weeks before. A last minute deployment can knock the wind out of you but know you will be able to handle what is to come.
Here is what you can do when your spouse gets last minute deployment orders:
- Breathe- When you first hear that your spouse is actually going to deploy, you will feel like your heart has stopped. You might be thinking about how he wasn’t supposed to go or how he had just returned home not too long before. You might be thinking about what he was going to miss and feeling like you needed more time to prepare for this news. This is all normal. Deployments are no joke but remember to breathe. Take some time for yourself to adjust to the news. Go for a run, write in your journal or talk with a friend. Getting used to the idea of a deployment takes time and if they received last-minute deployment orders, you won’t have much time to adjust to what is about to happen.
- Cry- If you need to cry, do so. It really is okay. A lot of people need to cry it out in order to accept what is to come. I know that is how I cope with these types of things. Crying is how I can get my pain out and how I can focus on the next step. If you first reaction to a deployment is to cry into your spouse’s arms, do so. That doesn’t mean you don’t support them. It just means you are having a hard time with the news and you will need to figure out how you can get through it.
- Plan- Planning for a deployment is important, even if you only have a few days to do so. Look at how long they are supposed to be gone and make a plan for each month. Focus on you and your family. You will want to stay busy during the deployment and doing so requires a little bit of planning. If you can, plan a fun trip halfway through or even a party to celebrate that you have made it that far through the deployment.
- Think of the positives- Every deployment has positives. You might have to look hard for them but they are there. Were you in need of a new car? Maybe the deployment pay can help with that. Saving for a house? Deployment pay can help you get into one faster. Think about the benefits of a deployment and focus on those. More time to read, more time to work out and fewer clothes to wash each week.
- Connect- Find other military spouses to connect with. This will help with the deployment and accept that it is actually coming. If you know any of the other spouses that will also be dealing with this deployment too, make a plan for a lunch or dinner before or right after the deployment starts. Getting through a deployment will be easier with friends by your side. You will also need people to help support you while your spouse is gone.
No one wants a last minute deployment but they can happen. If this has happened to you, know that you can get through this just like you would if you had more time. In some ways, not having as long to worry about the deployment could be a blessing in the end.
Has your spouse received last minute deployment orders? How did you handle that?
5 Tips to Help Celebrate Your Marriage During a Deployment
5 Tips to Help Celebrate Your Marriage During a Deployment
It was our 5th anniversary. I woke up that morning and something was different, something was off. We had spent our 1st anniversary on a weekend getaway, our 2nd, 3rd and 4th we had a nice dinner together. But this was number 5. That’s a big deal when you are newly married. 5 years is longer than high school or college and gives you enough time to look back on where you have been. But this anniversary was going to be different. He was deployed. He was in Iraq and we would not be spending it together.
I knew that in order to have a good day I would have to make it so. We would not be going on any trips or going out to dinner. We wouldn’t be going to the movies or a play or even just spending the day together. No, this anniversary would be different.
I decided to order a steak dinner from a local restaurant and have the food delivered after my little boys went to bed. I ate the dinner sitting in front of the computer waiting for my husband to come online. Celebrating your anniversary this way is normal for a military spouse.
Anniversaries are there to celebrate your marriage. You celebrate the time you have had together. To look at the past and look forward to the future. Celebrating your marriage is important. Whether you have only been married a year or for fifty years.
But how do you celebrate your marriage when they are deployed or away at a training? How do you celebrate when your heart aches for them? What can you do to feel closer?
Here are some ideas on how to celebrate your marriage during a deployment…
1. Write love letters- Love letters are the best. You could write your husband a love letter about how much you celebrate your marriage. Talk about when you first got married and your hopes for the future. You can pour out your heart on pretty stationary and mail it off to him. You can send him a series of letters or even a funny card.
2. Make a scrapbook- There is nothing better than going through old photos and looking back on previous memories during your marriage. You can take some time and put together a scrapbook for your deployed spouse. You could keep it simple and just put photos in an album or you could use stickers, cute paper and add a bit of journaling to the book. You could also make a book on a website like Shutterfly.
3. Send a care package- Put together a special anniversary care package. You can decorate the box however you want and include some of your favorite items. Think about what your spouse would love to see in a love themed package from you.
4. Have a Skype date- Planning when they will be online might be difficult but if you can plan for a special Skype date on your anniversary, go for it. You could sit and talk over dinner. You could plan to watch the same movie at the same time or just enjoy being able to see each other on the video. You could also do this over the phone instead. This is not going to replace a real date but it’s the best way to spend time together when you are miles apart.
5. Make plans for after the deployment- If you can’t celebrate your marriage during the deployment, make plans to do so after. You could plan a special trip or even just a meal at a nice restaurant. You can always celebrate your anniversary later. There is no rule that it has to be on that day. We have been able to celebrate our anniversaries months later by making a plan for a getaway when we were able to after a deployment.
Leave a comment and let me know how you have celebrated your marriage during a deployment. Have you done anything special and creative?
What You Should Never Say To A Military Spouse
What You Should Never Say To A Military Spouse
I love the military spouse community. In my local area and online. I love all the supportive people I have met over the years. I love how we can help each other out. The truth is, a lot of us can feel lost in the sea of separations, losing friends and the hardships that military life can bring.
We don’t always have good days and sometimes we really just need someone to listen and help us get through the struggle.
Some spouses are quite lonely and can’t imagine how we are going to get through the next few months.
Some spouses struggle with depression and anxiety. To be alone in the house is terrifying. Yet, they married a soldier. Someone who will deploy. Someone who will not always be home.
Some spouses are homesick and miss having a group of friends. They are having a hard time finding a new friend group. And yet, here they are, on the eve of a deployment, unsure about how they are going to get through the 9 months he will be away.
Some spouses lost a parent or a child and are finding life more difficult than usual.
Some spouses are just sad about how things are going and what’s ahead for them. Military life can be scary.
Some spouses have been through several deployments already and they are tired and want a break. One that will not come because of trainings and more deployments in the future.
Some spouses are struggling with their marriages and can’t figure out how to get things to a better place.
Some spouses are having a hard time with their children. Children who are missing their father so much they act out and those with special needs that are missing the support that the other parent in the home brings.
These spouses need support. They need love. They need kind suggestions. They do not need harsh words. They do not need to feel less than or that something is wrong with them for missing their husband a little too much. They do not need to feel like bad moms because they don’t feel like they are getting this solo parenting thing down.
Over the years I have heard phrases that make me cringe. Comments from other military spouses that should not be said. Comments that sting and create a divide in the military world.
So as a community, this is what you should never say to a military spouse!
“Well, you knew what you signed up for.” Actually, no one knows this. Each military career is different depending on different factors. Each spouse handles things in different ways. You never know what you are signing up for.
“Why are you complaining? At least your deployment is only 9 months instead of 12.” Oh, the deployment comparison game we like to play. It’s easy to do. Your friend is upset about a shorter deployment and you wish your spouse could only be gone for that amount of time. I get that. But we simply don’t have to say anything to that friend. We don’t. Telling someone that they should be happy their spouse is only gone for X amount of time is not helpful.
“I wish my husband would deploy.” Sigh…yes, we get it. Some people do want their spouse to deploy. I do believe that is valid. But it should probably not be said to a spouse whose husband does deploy a lot or is going through a deployment. To a spouse who would give anything for her husband to not deploy.
“Dependa anything” Do I need to say more? Is this even a word? Who even started using it? Please just stop with this term. It’s insulting.
We need to remember that not everyone is going to handle military life the same way. We are all going through something, whether we admit what that is to people or not. We all have a story to tell. What is easy for one person is going to be more difficult for others.
As a military community, we need to come together and help support the struggling military spouse.
Help them get through her current struggle. Let her know we are there for her and we get it. Because like it or not, we are in this together. We are the people who stand behind those who serve our great country. We are the ones they miss and the ones they come home to. We can be supportive and we can be the help someone needs to get through everything military life throws at her.
Have you ever seen We Were Soldiers? The DVD has a deleted scene that I have always loved. The deleted scene is all the wives in the church while their husbands are fighting in Vietnam. What I love about this scene is it is the perfect example of spouses being there for each other. One of the wives was to sing a song in front of the church and just couldn’t do it. What did the other spouses do? They started singing with her. I love this because this act is a small example of military spouses being there for one another, the way that we should be.
How can you support other military spouses?
The Father Who Has Missed So Much
“Yes, when he was 2.5 he was doing that too,” my husband said to me one day when we were watching our children play. He was talking about our oldest when he was the same age as his little brother.
“No, he didn’t. You were deployed remember?”
This kind of conversation happens often at our house. Memory is an interesting thing. We never fully remember the way things really were. In my husband’s case, he just wasn’t there for a lot of what happened during my children’s earlier years.
He was deployed. Away from home serving his country.
My husband is a wonderful father. I knew he would be from the first week that I met him. I saw how he talked about children, how he showed me photos of his niece that he kept in his wallet. He was a good uncle then and I knew he would make a great father in the future.
We became parents in 2004 and I was proven right. From the start, he knew just what to do. He and my son bonded right away and our parenting journey was off to a great start.
13 months later we were saying goodbye and starting our military journey.
One that would take this great father away from his children for months on end. He would end up missing so much. So so much.
He missed when my son started to walk. I filmed it and sent it to him in Germany. He missed his 2nd birthday by a month so we celebrated that one early. He missed his 3rd birthday and his 5th birthday and his 9th birthday. He missed the birth of his 2nd little boy and his whole first year. He missed me figuring out how to be a mom to two. He missed our son starting preschool and learning to talk in sentences. He missed potty training and Christmas and summers. He missed a lot of those early years, ones that we will never get back. As I look back over the years I know this is a part of what we signed up for.
When you join the military, you are not only signing up to defend your country but you are also signing up for months without your family.
You are signing up to say that you will miss birthdays and anniversaries and births and all the firsts that most Dad’s get to be around for. As heartbreaking as missing these moments are, you know this is all apart of your job.
This father’s day I can’t help but think of my husband and all the other dads that have missed so much over the years. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to say goodbye to my son at three weeks and not see him again until he was 11 months old. One letter my husband wrote to me during that time talked about how weird it was to have two boys and love them both so much but to only really know one of them.
That’s just how it is sometimes. Some dads don’t get to meet their children until they are crawling. Others miss out on kindergarten and some will watch their son or daughter graduate from high school on a video.
These men know this when they sign up for the military but it doesn’t make going through it any easier.
Let’s remember these fathers this Father’s Day. Let’s remember what they have given up over the years to serve our country. Let’s never forget about their children and the sacrifices they make going through their lives without him by their side for all the moments and milestones they go through.
My husband is in a place in his career where he won’t have too many more times where he will be away from us. This is freeing and I am looking forward to our family always having him there. However, I will never forget the years that he wasn’t, what he has missed and what others are missing in the years to come.
WeVets: Give Veterans A Voice
When you move to a new city, knowing where to go, where to shop or where to eat can be overwhelming. You might not have ever heard about that store down the road. You might be lost when it comes to the local military clinic and you might just need some help figuring out which places are worth going to.
This is the mobile version of the site.
This is where a place like WeVets comes in handy. This is a new website for active duty military, veterans, their families and supporters to access resources and review businesses, programs and organizations designed to serve the military and veteran space. You can go to WeVets to look up information on the businesses, organizations, and resources that you need to serve you and your family. The reviews will be written by other military families which can be important. You can find reviews on places like Lowes, Disneyworld, IHOP, the military clinic and the vets office. You can leave your own reviews as well to help others who are curious about a location that you have been to.
Right now the website is still in beta but they need your help to build it up. If you can, head on over and sign up. Leave a review or two and share with your friends. If you need to know about a particular service, look and see if it is on the site. You can read the reviews and learn more about what other people have experienced by visiting those places.
Take some time to watch the video as well.
This website is going to be a great resource for those in the military. It will allow people to find out more information on the places they want to go. This is a great idea for a population of people who move around a lot or don’t know the area they are in as well as they want to. Go check them out…:)
Keeping You And Your Military Family Safe
Keeping You And Your Military Family Safe
As a part of a Military family I am aware of the chance of identity theft. It has happened to us in the past as well as finding out that one of our bank accounts was compromised. When someone steals from you it can feel surreal like it wasn’t supposed to be something that you would ever have to deal with. The reality is that it can happen and you should do what you can to keep you and your family’s information safe. You don’t want to end up in a situation where someone has gained access to your personal information or has been able to take money from you.
A few years ago I visited my bank online like I do every morning and saw a few charges that I was not familiar with. They were all for purchases from an online site. I thought this was strange because even though I do work online I was not aware of the company that my money was going to. It wasn’t a ton of money but I knew something strange was going on. I called my bank and we were able to get it figured out. I ended up having to open a new account and had to close out the old one. That took some time and was quite a hassle but it was the safest thing we could do.
I hated the feeling that someone stole my card information and thought they could get away with it. Just like how you would feel violated if someone broke into your home, you feel that way when someone has broken into your bank account. Ever since that experience I have been a lot more careful about my information. I use a special card for online purchases and I make sure I am aware of who is getting my bank information.
It seems like the more that technology advances the more ways there are to steal someone’s information or their identity.
Identity theft can be a huge problem for military families. With all the moving around and traveling we military families might do, sometimes things get overlooked and it can make it easier for a thief to steal information. One way to to reduce the risk of identity theft use LifeLock.
LifeLock offers three layers of protection:
- Detect- They use advanced technology to constantly monitor over a trillion data points to help detect suspicious uses of your identity information to get loans, credit and services in your name.
- Alert-LifeLock uses a very good alert system. LifeLock will send you a potential fraud alert by text, phone or email*. If you confirm that the suspicious transaction is fraudulent, your LifeLock team is on it.
- Restore- LifeLock’s US-based Identity Protection Agents are ready to help with identity theft restoration. If your identity is ever compromised, an Identity Restoration Specialist takes charge.
As you can see, LifeLock will have your back! They understand what identity thieves do to gain information and how they plan to use it.
If you are interested in signing up, LifeLock has a great special offer for Active and Retired Military personnel and their families.
Their military offer is 30 DAYS FREE, 15% OFF, PLUS A FREE AMERICAN FLAG. Promo code to take advantage of this offer is WESALUTE3.
Make sure you and your family’s information is safe and secure and go on over to LifeLock to sign up.
This is a sponsored conversation written by me on behalf of LifeLock. The opinions and text are all mine.
Deployments and The Effect on Children
Deployments and The Effect on Children
After four deployments, our family knows what it is like to go long periods of time without Dad in the home. It can be so challenging for the parent at home to have to be mom and dad. It can also be really hard on the children who might not truly understand why their mom or dad has to be away from them.
Since the war in Afghanistan began in 2001, more than 2 million American children have had a deployed parent. Many of them have seen multiple deployments. This tells me that we are not alone and that all these children have gone through or are going through what my own boys have.
Our last deployment ended in 2013 and my boys were 9, 7 and 3. At those ages they only kind of understand what Dad was doing. It was a hard time for all of us as I helped them work through the time apart while trying to deal with the deployment myself. It can be difficult to know what will help them and what they are really dealing with.
The best thing to do is to keep the line of communication open with your children. Let them know it is okay to share with you how they are feeling or what they are experiencing. Encourge them to reach out to you if it becomes too hard. Sometimes young kids will act out when they are feeling frustrated about the deployment. It is important to keep firm boundaries in your home but be aware that some behavior could be because of missing one of their parents.
One idea is to have a recordable device that the deployed parent can set up to give to the child. Recordable teddy bears, along with other battery-powered devices such as recordable story books provide reliable comfort no matter when or where their parent is deployed.
Duracell has a great out all about how a Teddy Bear can help a child through a deployment. This video made me cry because it shows us how hard it can be for a child to be without their dad. It is nice that we live in a time where technology can help that divide and allow the child to hear their parent’s voice whenever they want. The film was inspired by a real Military child who was showed Duracell a Teddy Bear she had during her father’s deployment.
Duracell would like to raise $100,000 for USO’s Comfort Crew for Military Kids. Share the film and find out how you donate to the cause through the USO at http://www.uso.org/donate.
You can also find Duracell on Facebook and Twitter.
This review was made possible by iConnect and Duracell. I was provided compensation to facilitate this post, but all opinions are 100% mine.