Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

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Just Another Deployment Night

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It’s another deployment night when the sun fades away, and the lights go on, and we are reminded of the distance.

They have been gone a while, too long really, and yet the days on the calendar don’t want to turn as quickly as we hope they would.

No one is coming home for dinner, no one is going to be there to help with the kids, no one will be there to snuggle with once they go to bed. Those are things that will have to wait. Wait until the deployment is over.

It’s another deployment night, a time to reflect, and figure out what we can do to better ourselves. There are fewer distractions, and time to journal, and to work on our own goals.

As military spouses, we so often have to give up a dream. Or two dreams. Or three.

But a deployment can be a time to figure what chasing our dreams during military life is really going to look like. What we can do vs what we can’t. What will work, and what do we truly want to do.

But even so, even with more time to breathe, we can feel the overwhelm that the deployment brings. We can feel the pressure of having to do all the things, for all the people. The feeling of never being able to have the energy to get our to-do list done.

It’s another deployment night, and as you look at the empty side of the bed, you can’t help but think of all the things you miss about them. Their smile. Their laugh. The way you love to do life with them.

You think about all that will happen when they come home. You worry a bit too, not sure how the transition will go. You two have been living separate lives, and they will be dealing with all the deployment brought.

Still, you think about how once they do get home, you won’t have to miss their smile anymore. They will be laughing alongside you again, and you will get back to making those memories that you hold near and dear.

As the sun goes down on another deployment night, you won’t how many more deployments or separations you might have in the future. You pray you get a big long break between this one and the next. But you know no matter how long they will be home, the time will never be long enough.

You find a new series to watch on Netflix or Hulu, hoping that diving into a new fictional world will make the nights not seem too long. And that works, until it doesn’t. But you keep on trying because you have to stay busy and you have to keep your mind going.

You grab your calendar, trying to find fun things to do. You want to stay busy, but sometimes you just don’t want to have to do anything. Still, you know staying busy is important. Time will go faster that way.

Days pass, nights pass, and you finally find yourself towards the end. 30 days to go…20, now 10. This deployment is almost over. Through all the days apart. Through the long deployment nights. The end is in sight, and all you can think is, wow, I did it. I made it through this deployment.

The deployment part of military life is never easy. Yet deployments come, whether we are ready for them or not. The best thing to do is find ways to get through a deployment, even if that is one day at a time. Take a look at my other deployment blog posts for more ideas and encouragement on getting through a deployment.

5 Ways Military Spouses Can Get Involved In Their Civilian Communities

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When you move to a new duty station you usually have the choice of living on or off-post. Whatever you decide to do, you also have the choice to get involved in your civilian community surrounding your Military duty station.

Military spouses can become involved in their local communities. This allows you to connect more with the area you are living in and won’t feel like your life is always 24/7 Military. Sometimes we need a break from the day to day of military life and there are many ways to do so.

5 Ways Military Spouses Can Get Involved In Their Civilian Communities
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Here are five ways you can get involved and become a part of your civilian community besides just living off-post.

Community events

One of the best ways to get out there and get to know your civilian community is to attend local events. Whether you are stationed overseas or in the US, look for events that are going on. Join Facebook groups for the city, search websites and newspapers for events, and plan to get out there and go to them.

Not only do you get to interact with the civilians in your area but you get to learn a little bit more about their culture. This is a great way to make the best of where you are currently living and enjoying what your local area has to offer. And it’s another way to stay busy!

Go to a civilian church

Every duty station we have lived at has had a good on-post chapel to attend. A lot of people enjoy that but one way to meet others in your community that are not a part of the Military is to attend church off-post.

This can be a great way to get to know those who consider the city you are living in their hometown and can open you up to new experiences you might not otherwise know about. Getting to know people in the community on a regular basis as you do through a church can really expand your experiences at your duty station.

Look for local clubs

Find something you enjoy. Look for book clubs, photography clubs, knitting circles, MOPS, etc. If you find something you enjoy, joining the civilian group can be a great way to meet others and get involved with what is going on in your area.

Joining a new group can allow you to make friends with similar interests and can give you something fun to do in your spare time. You might even want to start your own group if you can’t find what you are looking for. You never know who might want to join.

Have your kids do off-post sports

This might not be an option everywhere and a lot of times it is easier to go just on-post for sports but if you can have your kids connect with teams off-post. This can be the perfect way into your local community.

Here at Fort Campbell, we have a choice and some people do decide to go with the city leagues. Sometimes because they offer something different than on-post and other times because it is a little easier depending on where they live.

In this area, you will find a mix of military and civilians when you play sports off-post. Swim lessons are cheaper when you do them through the city which is a big draw for a lot of military families. They also have a great soccer program and many of the kids love it.

Don’t do all of your shopping at the Commissary

Our main grocery store is the Commissary and we do go to the PX sometimes but when you do get out and shop other places you can learn more about your local area. This is even more true overseas.

We used to go to the local German shops for produce and a few other random things and I think that allowed us to get to know more about what it was like to live in Germany. The Commissary is great overseas because having that allows you to still buy most of your American favorites but getting out and exploring other places will allow you to find new products and to try new foods that you might otherwise never see.

And let’s face it, sometimes the Commissary doesn’t have the lowest prices in town. That is something you will have to figure out and will have to do your own research on.

What do you do to connect with your local civilian community? Do you think it is important to do so?

Military Spouses and Money: What We Should Be Thinking About

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The topic of military spouses and money can get pretty heated

The topic of military spouses and money can get pretty heated

Despite the fact that life does cost money, asking about money, your service member’s pay, or anything to do with how much money you are making can get a lot of different responses. From those who help you figure out what you need to know about money issues to others who seem to take the slightest question about finances and blow things out of proportion.

The truth is, as military spouses we need to be aware of the money coming into our homes. It doesn’t matter if we have a job and make more than our service member or if we stay at home with the kids and don’t bring in any income. Finances are important, and we need to pay attention to them.

Military spouses should have a say

When money comes into a household, that money is spent on your rent or mortgage, utilities, food, home repairs, cars, children, and more. In some marriages, both partners work. They both bring in a regular income.

For some, this means all money goes into the same account. For others, this means that you each have your own account and decide who will pay what.

The problem is when one spouse does not work for any pay, and they feel like they don’t have a right to say where the money goes. This is BS right here. You are a married couple, and you should have a say where the money goes.

If your spouse isn’t allowing you to have a say about any money simply because you don’t bring in an income at the moment, something isn’t right.

Military spouses should be allowed to work

Jobs for military spouses aren’t always easy to find. There can be a lot of barriers in our way, from where we live to what type of job we are looking for. However, your spouse saying that you can’t, even if you want to, shouldn’t be one of them.

If the couple decides together that one of them will stay home with the kids and the other will be a sole provider, that should be a joint decision. The issue isn’t becoming a SAHM or not, the issue is when a spouse wants to work and her spouse is telling her she can’t.

This can be for all sorts of reasons, but it is something a couple needs to work out. There could be a valid reason not to work for a period of time, but both spouses need to be on board. Yes, the military does come first, but that doesn’t mean a military spouse has to give up on their own dreams. There is so much we milspouses can do, even during military life.

Military couples will go through different seasons

When we got married, we both worked full-time. Over the last 19 years, my husband and I have done different things, and the percentage of how much each of us made has changed over time. While there is the traditional idea that one makes all the money and the other stays at home for all those years raising children, this isn’t quite the norm anymore.

For one thing, living on one income can be difficult, oftentimes impossible, especially when you add multiple kids to your family. There will be food and diapers, then sports and braces and the expenses never truly end.

Life with kids costs money, and having a stay-at-home part isn’t always going to work. In fact, many stay-at-home parents end up making extra money from home or even have a nighttime part-time job.

Over the course of your marriage, who makes more money might change. Not every service member stays in for 20 years and wants to be in the military for a career. Not every SAHM wants to be one forever. There are so many more options out there too, from working from home to going back to school and finding a new career.

Military families need budgets too

Having a budget is a must. That way you and your spouse can get on the same page. You can see what is coming in and what is going out.

Although one of you will probably be the one in charge of the bills and getting paid, both of you should be in on the budget to see what your goals are and how close you are to achieving them. Having a budget will keep your money in line, and allow you to work towards your financial goals.

Sometimes the service member won’t have access

As a military wife, having my husband in charge of the bills while he was deployed wouldn’t have worked. As the military spouse back at home, I could always call a bank or a credit card company. He hasn’t always been in a place where he had access.

This is an important part of getting used to military spouse life. Ask yourself what would work best. Maybe for some, having the service member in this role makes sense, but for most of us, doing so can cause more frustration.

Again, this is something you as a couple need to work out. Like anything financial, find what works best for you and your spouse. Figure out any hiccups you might have when they are away, and work them out before they leave. Financial deployment readiness is important too.

Resources about money and military

Here are some fantastic websites to check out about money and the military:

Military One Source

MilSpouse Money Mission

Military Saves

Foxtrot and Pennies

Kate Horrell: The Military Finance Coach

Military Wives Saving

Military spouses and money can be a tricky topic. There are a lot of different opinions about what you should do and what you shouldn’t do. However, at the end of the day, you have to do what is best for you and your service member.

That might look different than what other people are doing and that is okay. Just make sure that you are working towards the life that you want and not stuck in a place where you are being left behind.

Five Tips for When You First Become A Military Spouse

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If you are new to Military life you might be worried or curious about all things military. Everything can be so overwhelming at first. I remember those days well.

I wasn’t really sure what to think about this new life. I was in a whole new world and I wasn’t sure how the military worked. I had a lot of questions and a lot of worries.

Over time, I started to figure things out. More seasoned spouses helped me along the way. And with time, things started to make a little more sense.

Five Tips for When You First Become A Military Spouse

Here are five tips to remember when you first become a Military Spouse:

You Don’t Have to Know Everything Right Away

PCS? CYS? TDY? What does all of that mean and what does it have to do with you? The Military has a certain way of doing things and the logic usually doesn’t always make sense and there are SO MANY ACRONYMS!

Don’t feel like you have to figure everything out right away. I am still trying to figure out how things work and I have been an Army wife for over 15 years.

Try Not to Freak Out Over the Little Things

This can be difficult to take. Not something I am very good at doing either. But try not to freak out over the little things.

Maybe your spouse has to work late or gets called into work unexpectedly. That is hard but, remember, that this is a part of the job. In the end, those little annoyances can really get to you.

Try not to let them. Try to let them go and if you can’t, talk to a friend who can relate.

Know That Military Life Isn’t Fair

Sometimes you just get dealt an unlucky number with deployments or the unit your spouse gets put in. During our first deployment, we were the only unit in the brigade where soldiers couldn’t come home on extra leave for a birth. While this did not affect us as we had our baby right before R&R, I know how frustrated others were. This felt very unfair to a lot of people.

Sometimes the people who leave first are the last to return. A lot of what happens doesn’t make any sense, it is just the way things are in the military. Military life just isn’t fair.

You Will Make Some of Your Best Friends as a Military Spouse

You will find people to connect with and get through deployments with. You will spend Christmas and other holidays together, cry when the deployments start, and cheer for each other during the homecomings.

You will have to eventually say goodbye but your bonds and your memories will last forever. Going through any stressful period of time with others makes things a bit easier. Finding friends who understand our military life is one of the best things you can do.

Not Everyone Handles Everything the Same Way

This is important to remember. Everyone handles separation differently. Everyone handles pcsing differently.

We are different people and certain parts of Military life might be harder for others. Keep this in mind if something is a little easier for you. You can help those around you who might be having a difficult time getting through.

You might be someone who can completely handle giving birth without your husband while a friend might feel that is nearly impossible. You can support her as she goes through that situation. Be her rock and in return, she will be there for you when you need someone to lean on.

Going from a non-military life to a military one can be challenging. Don’t be afraid to reach out to other spouses and ask questions when you don’t quite understand something. Most people are happy to help a new military spouse out 🙂

How To Keep Kids Busy This Summer, Even When You Are On a Budget

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Summer is here and you might be trying to figure out what to do with your kids for their time off from school. Yes, there are camps and classes that you could sign them up for, but those all cost money, sometimes a lot of it.

If you are on a tighter budget, you have to be careful about how much you spend during the summer. You need to find cheap and free ways to keep them busy.

You really don’t have to spend a fortune each summer just keep your kids entertained. There is a lot you can do in your home and in your own community without having to break the bank. Take a look at some of these ideas, and see what works for your family.

How To Keep Kids Busy This Summer, Even When You Are On a Budget

Water Fun

Kids love water and there are many ways to get your kids in water without spending too much. A splash park is a great way to spend some time in the hot sun. You might find one at a park or even a shopping center.

Bring a sack lunch, plenty of towels, and your kids, and get ready to enjoy a fun-filled afternoon staying cool for very little cost. Invite some friends and have a fun playdate.

If you have a community pool you can use free of charge, take advantage of that. If you have to pay, check and see about a summer pass. Sometimes buying one of those will save you a lot of money all summer long. Our city pool offers a military discount on a pool pass.

If nothing else you can set up a sprinkler or a kiddie pool in your own yard.

Nature Hikes

Kids love to explore and what better way to do that than on a nature hike. Make sure to put on your bug spray, bring lots of water, and bring your camera for photos along the way. Check with your local park system to see if they have any guided hikes during the summer. Make sure you stay on the trails and don’t go anywhere you feel is unsafe.

You can also go on a more casual walk around your neighborhood or other community location. If your kids are old enough, have them bring their bike or a scooter. You can spend the whole day out walking and riding bikes. Just don’t forget to apply the sunscreen.

Cheap Movies

If you have a dollar theater, make sure to check out what kid’s movies they have playing. If you don’t, your regular theater might have a special kids program during the summer with free or $1 movies. They might be older ones that your kids have already seen, but it can give them the movie experience without having to spend too much.

You might also check and see if your city has a movies in the park night where they show a movie on a big screen after the sun goes down. That can be a lot of fun for everyone in the family. They are usually free and you would just need to bring a picnic dinner for your family as well as a nice blanket or chairs to sit on.

Camping

If you are wanting to take your family on vacation, camping is the most affordable option, assuming you already have a lot of the camping gear. If you don’t, you might be able to rent from a Gear to Go on your military installation. Campsites are not too expensive and you can have a lot of fun being in the outdoors. If you don’t want to leave your home, you could also camp out in the backyard.

Host a Play Date

Why not host a play date in your home once a week? You could also do a themed playdate. Such as water or food fun.

Meet up with other parents and plan to rotate houses during the summer. Your kids will love the playtime with friends and you can have some adult time with the parents.

You could go on Pinterest and find some fun crafts for the kids to do. There are plenty of ideas out there. Once a week you could also host a craft day. Everyone who comes can bring the supplies and you can all work on them together.

Annual Passes

A yearly pass will cost you money upfront, but it might be worth doing so. You can get passes to the zoo, science center, amusement park, or the local gym. Find out what would be best for your own family and think about how often you would go.

If you know you want to spend a lot of time at the zoo, getting a pass to the zoo will allow you to go for “free” all summer long. Check for specials or discounts before you pay for the pass. Also, make sure to check for blackout dates so you don’t plan a trip on a day you won’t be able to get in with your pass.

As you can see, there are quite a lot of activities you can do during the summer without having to break the bank. What would you add to this list?

When Their Job Comes First

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The Military Has to Come First

We hear so often not to put your job before family. We hear so often that you should find a family-friendly workplace. We hear so often that these things are important, and they are, they really are.

But…

For the military spouse, married to a service member, their job has to come first. Sometimes at the worst time. Sometimes at the time you really need them.

The truth of the military is that the Army, or the Navy, or the Marine Corps, or whatever the branch has to come first.

The truth is, the military shakes up your life when you don’t want anything to do with the military at that moment.

When Their Job Comes First

The truth is, your spouse might have to go, go overseas, fight in a war, and they will have to go.

No matter how much they love you.

No matter how much they want to stay.

No matter how many other times they have had to be away.

When you married your service member, you knew they would be gone, you knew they wouldn’t always be with you. But the reality that the military does come first isn’t always easy to take.

Sometimes a deployment will come, right after a child get diagnosed with autism.

Sometimes a deployment will come, right after a miscarriage or other loss.

Sometimes a deployment will come right when a spouse is trying to heal from something that they feel they need their spouse there for.

Sometimes the timing just isn’t right, but there isn’t a lot you can do about that. The job has to come first.

There are times when things can be changed. There are compassionate reassignments. Commands can hold people back for a few months from a deployment. They can send them home early in some circumstances. But none of that is promised. None of that is 100%.

And trying to come to terms with everything isn’t easy. Trying to be “okay” with the military coming first isn’t easy. Figuring out ways to get through these difficult times isn’t easy.

Here are a few things you can do to help when you know the job has to come first.

Find a good support system

Basically, find your people. Both online and IRL. Find people who support you, and love you. They will be the ones to help you through.

Remember why they joined

When you are feeling really down about everything military related, remember why they joined the military in the first place. Remember why they enlisted. Thinking about all of that can put things in perspective.

Make a detailed plan

You might be going through something you need your spouse there for, but the military has to come first. So, what will you do about it? Who will you go to instead? You will need to come up with a plan.

Figure out what will make things easier for you. That could be hiring a babysitter once a week, starting a new workout plan, or creating a list of services you can call when the need arises.

Since we are all different people, our lists might not look the same, but making a good list of how you will get through this time is important.

Remember, even though the job or the mission has to come first, there are also periods of time when the family does. Maybe this is block leave after a deployment, or having your soldier stay home a few extra weeks to be there for the birth of your baby.

There are times when they will be home early and have days off. Remembering these moments isn’t always easy, especially when you are not currently living them but, they will come again, I promise.

What is the best way to handle the disappointment of when the job has to come first? What do you do to help you through?

What To Appreciate About Military Spouses

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The Friday before Mother’s Day is Military Spouse Appreciation Day. A day to recognize military spouses, and appreciate all that they do, standing by their service member.

Military spouses are not all the same, and we are all on our own military journey. Some of us are more seasoned, and have been doing this over a decade, or even over two or three. Some of us have only been doing this life for a few years, and things still feel so new.

During my time as a military spouse, there have been plenty of things I have learned to appreciate about other military spouses. There are some amazing people in this community doing such amazing things.

What To Appreciate About Military Spouses

Military Spouse Are Creative

Military spouses use their creativity for good. They start groups and clubs when there are not any around. They send care packages overseas, with all types of themes. They take lemons and turn them into lemonade, and figure out how to get through what they need to get through, during this military life.

Military Spouses Are Patient

Military spouses have to be patient, even when we really don’t want to be. We have to wait for deployments to start, wait for deployments to end. We have to wait to PCS, and those orders can take forever.

We have to wait to go home and see our families, and we have to wait for R&R. Being patient doesn’t always come easy but we do it anyway because we have to, and we want to support our spouse in their military career.

Military Spouses Are Giving

I have seen so many military spouses give their time and even money over the years. If a military spouse loses their partner overseas, the military community is there to step up. If a military spouse needs extra support, other military spouses are there to listen to them vent. When military spouses see an issue, they work to fix that issue, because they know how doing so will benefit all of us.

Military Spouses Have So Much To Offer

From volunteering for the FRG, to going back to school to further their own careers, military spouses have so much to offer. Each of us is unique and can bring our strengths to the military community. We have so much to offer, both the military community and the civilian communities we find ourselves in.

Military Spouses Are Unique

I love listening to other military spouse’s stories. We all came to this life in our own way. Some of us married in, and some of us were with our spouses when they enlisted. We come from different places, and might even speak different languages. Some of us have children, and some of us don’t.

I love how unique the military community is. We can all come together, no matter the branch, or the MOS, and know we are all in this together. We are all supporting a service member and even if we are different in other ways, we have that in common.

Think about all the things you appreciate the most about your fellow military spouses. Let me know in the comments what they are.

Why Military Spouses Don’t Ask For Help

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Why We Struggle To Ask For Help

“Just let us know if you need anything.”

As a Military spouse, I have heard this phrase from many different people. It is a great thing to hear. When you hear people say that, you now know you have someone to call if you need to. Knowing people want to help is a good feeling.

But here is the thing…

Why Military Spouses Don't Ask For Help

Most Military spouses don’t ask for help, even if we could use it.

We want to be able to take care of the home, the kids, the money, the yard, and everything that comes up all by ourselves. We will never let that person know if we do need something if we feel we can kinda handle the task ourselves. There is just something hard about asking for something specific.

It is hard to say, “Hey, I need someone to mow my lawn because I just can’t seem to do it right,” or “Would you mind watching my kids while I take myself out to dinner? I really need a break,” or “I need someone to fix my fence. It is broken and I can’t afford to pay someone to do it.”

The list can go on and on. We feel like by asking for specific things we are asking too much. Or maybe it is because we don’t really believe the person telling us to ask. We might just assume they are just saying that and don’t really expect us to call.

I will admit. I hate asking for help. I try to do it myself first. I will always try to do it myself first.

When my husband was deployed the last time I had to mow the lawn all summer long. This was hard and every time I did it I would burst into tears when I was done. For some reason, mowing the lawn was emotionally hard for me. At the end of the mowing season, I hired a company to come out and do my lawn because I couldn’t imagine asking anyone to help with that.

My friends and neighbors had their own lawn to mow, right? And the last time I had asked someone was when I was going out of town for the summer and they didn’t end up doing it. So I would never ask. I would do it myself or I would hire someone to do it for me.

There have been a few times when I HAD to ask for help. There was no other option. In those times I was thankful that I had people to ask. Asking for help is a hard thing to do. To admit you do need help and to actually ask for it.

We want to be brave. We want to be strong. We do not want to be seen as weak.

But what I have learned during my years as a military spouse is that some people want to help, they really really do. They don’t know how to help you unless you tell them. I have seen people willing to cut our grass or help with the lawn. To bring us fans when our air went out. To offer a shoulder to cry on when I just didn’t think I could make it another day.

We are brave and we are strong but we are not superhuman and sometimes we do need extra help. We are doing the work of two people. It would be impossible to get everything right all of the time.

I tell myself over and over, it’s okay to ask for help. Especially when I am trying to balance everything in life with a husband who isn’t at home to help. But I hope that in the future I can be more willing to ask, because that can take things off of my plate and make for a little bit of an easier time.

Do you struggle with asking for help? Why do you think Military spouses struggle with this???