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10 Lessons Military Spouse Life Teaches You Over the Years

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10 Lessons Military Spouse Life Teaches You Over the Years

Life as a military spouse has taught me so much over the years! When I first became a military spouse, I had no idea how much this life would change me. Over the years, through deployments, moves, and everything in between, I’ve learned lessons I never expected, but ones I will carry for the rest of my life.

Here are 10 of them:

  • That you can, in fact, do things on your own, without your spouse by your side

Before your spouse joined the military, you might have assumed there were certain things you needed them to be there for. You will learn quickly that this is not the case. At the same time, while you realize you can do things without them, you won’t always want to. And that is one reason why a deployment can be so hard.

  • That the military doesn’t always know what they are doing, or so it seems

You will learn pretty quickly that the military doesn’t always seem like it knows what it is doing. It will seem like the right hand doesn’t know what the left hand is doing. This can be so frustrating but then you get to the point where you say, “well that’s the Army for you” or whatever branch your spouse serves in.

Life as a military spouse can be surprising

  • That you might think you are going to PCS somewhere, and you could possibly end up somewhere else instead

PCS orders can be, well, interesting. Sometimes they change. You might hear Fort Campbell, get researching the schools in Tennessee, make a bucket list of things you want to see, and boom, they get changed to Fort Bliss.

  • That you might just get to a point during a deployment where you feel like you are rocking it

I know it might not seem like you will ever feel like you are “rocking a deployment” but you might just get there. And when you do, the feeling is amazing. Just keep doing what you can and you might find yourself there before you know it.

  • That after that point, you might hit a snag, and feel like you really are not rocking a deployment at all

And while feeling like you are “rocking a deployment” is amazing, it can be way too easy to hit a bump in the road and feel like you’re no longer. That’s okay, though. The roller coaster emotions during a deployment are normal and to be expected.

Life as a military spouse could look different for each person

  • How one military spouse gets through a deployment can be different than another

I traveled a bit during my second deployment, and it was a lot of fun. Traveling also helped pass the time. But, during our 1st and 3rd deployments, that would have been very difficult to do just because of the ages of my kids and what was going on. We all find what works for us during a deployment and it doesn’t have to be the same as what works for others.

  • That you might just make a best friend in the least likely of places

You might assume that going to regular play dates, sporting events for your kids, or the FRG might be where you meet your military best friend. While meeting friends at these places happens a lot, you might be surprised where you do meet your next BFF. It could happen during the long lines at the commissary on payday, or through a friend of a friend, you met three duty stations ago. Be open to new friends and see what happens.

  • That you will miss something about that duty station after you leave, even if you hate the place right now

I know, I know, what is there to love about a duty station in the middle of nowhere? Trust me, after you PCS and live somewhere else for a while, you will miss something about that place. This is just how things work. Even if all you miss are the people.

  • That you will start to nitpick movies and television shows that portray the military

From Army Wives to a movie on the big screen, you are going to start to notice how Hollywood gets the military so very wrong. From the wrong type of uniform to calling a marine a soldier, there are way too many mistakes out there. At the same time, you might not let them bother you and still wonder if you are more a Roxy or a Claudia Joy.

  • That you will get homesick, even if you love where you are stationed

During your life as a military spouse, you could be living in Europe, surrounded by castles and green hills, and will still feel homesick sometimes. This is just a big part of military life and while some experience homesickness more than others, you will figure out how to deal with those feelings.

Every year I learn something new about military life. I am always shocked by this but it is true. I try to look at each military experience as a way to grow and learn a little bit more about this lifestyle we have chosen.

What is a lesson you have learned during your life as a military spouse?

How a Deployment Led to a Career She Never Saw Coming: A Military Spouse Spotlight

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I had the pleasure of sitting down for a Zoom interview with my guest writer, Katie McDonald. Enjoy!

While Julie is known for her popular blog, Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life, her marriage started out as a civilian one. Her husband, Ben, was in the Army for two years, but had been out for a couple of years already when they met and quickly fell in love in Northern California. They were married in 2002, had their first son in 2004, and moved to Kentucky the following year.

Julie was a stay-at-home mom, and Ben was working various jobs. However, this lifestyle wasn’t working for their family, so they considered easing back into military life with the Reserves. However, it wasn’t a good fit, and Julie “couldn’t imagine [him] just being gone.” Months later, Ben ultimately decided to re-enlist in the Army as an active-duty soldier, and their entire world would be turned on its head. 

How a Deployment Led to a Career She Never Saw Coming: A Military Spouse Spotlight

A Major Life Change

Julie and Ben assumed that he would need to redo basic training and that a cross-country or international move would be months away. However, they were shockingly told that Ben would be moving to Germany in just two weeks, and their lives completely changed overnight. Because Ben’s move was right before Thanksgiving, the logistics of having Julie and their son join him were complicated by holiday delays. Julie joked that “waiting on paperwork” was “a good introduction to military life,” but after finally receiving command sponsorship and their tourist passports, she and her 18-month-old son were able to fly to Germany. 

Military life was a bit of a culture shock for Julie. While she had grown up in Southern California near two Marine Corps bases, she was not used to living overseas or preparing for deployments. Shortly after becoming pregnant with their second son, Ben received orders to deploy, and he left when she was 25 weeks pregnant. Julie’s mom, thankfully, was able to support her for two months leading up to and after the delivery; given the uncertainty surrounding Ben’s timeline, this was a huge blessing for Julie’s growing family. 

Visit the Military Spouse Spotlight Page!

How a Deployment Led to a Career She Never Saw Coming: A Military Spouse Spotlight

Julie gave birth in the middle of December, and while her husband was sent home that same day, it took him three days to arrive and meet their new son. He had only two weeks of R&R to bond with his growing family, and his entire brigade was postponed several times when he returned to Iraq. As a result, he didn’t see his wife and children again for almost a year during a difficult 15-month deployment. 

Julie remembers the high casualty rates that deeply impacted their small base. “Every spouse was going through it,” she said. “In a lot of ways, it was comforting to have those spouses to go through it with.” She misses the community mentality of helping each other out through their shared seasons of stress, uncertainty, and loneliness. 

Finding the Bright Spots

In the month after the deployment, they went back to California for a month to spend time with family, and while she dreaded the idea of returning to the stresses of Germany, she did go back. In an unexpected stroke of good fortune, some of the brigade moved to another post in Germany a couple of months later, and Julie’s perspective shifted when she saw their brand-new government-leased housing. “I cried because it was so much nicer than our stairwell apartment,” she remembered, and she began to feel more optimistic. 

While her husband was away on another deployment, Julie was determined to keep herself busy. She and her close friend both had young children and wanted to take advantage of the affordable Space A flights to spend the summer with their families. While it wasn’t always smooth sailing and there were plenty of unexpected bumps in the road (from unavailable lodging to canceled flights), Julie was able to successfully travel back to California to spend time with her and her husband’s families, with a two- and four-year-old in tow. “I’m so glad I had that adventure,” Julie said. “Military spouses need to have adventures.” 

The Power of the Pen 

How a Deployment Led to a Career She Never Saw Coming: A Military Spouse Spotlight

When Julie returned to Germany, there was still time left in the deployment, and she was determined to keep her mind busy. She had read a friend’s homeschool-focused blog and was inspired to share her own stories and experiences. The blog was originally called Julie the Army Wife, and her first post was about what to wear to a military Homecoming.

She renamed the blog so it wouldn’t be focused solely on her experiences and perspective, and was pleasantly surprised by the attention and positive reception her work received. “I had never thought about being a writer as a job,” Julie admitted, but her first full-time writing job was an unexpected and hard-earned blessing in 2017. With three children, two with special needs, Julie was unable to work outside of the house, so being able to write for a living from home has been a game-changer for her. She currently works as a content specialist and reflected that “this is really cool that me being bored in Germany led to this.” 

Julie says that her blog is what her past self would have needed, and she believes that “every situation you go through is a chance to help someone in the future.” Describing her blog as her “fourth baby,” she is proud of all the growth it’s experienced. Because her husband has retired, she is actively seeking active-duty spouses to share their stories to keep the perspectives fresh. 

Blogging, however, has not been without its difficulties. “Not everyone is kind and appreciates it,” she admitted, but she reminds herself how many people are benefiting from the stories she shares. For any spouses who want to share their stories, Julie wants you to remember that “no matter what you’re posting, someone might not like it,” but that shouldn’t stop you from using your voice. 

How a Deployment Led to a Career She Never Saw Coming: A Military Spouse Spotlight

Changes Continue 

After their time in Germany, Julie and her family moved to Fort Campbell in 2010 and have since settled in and stayed in the community. At the time of their move, their children were three and five years old, and it was a challenge to adjust to cultural differences, keep two young children busy, and manage her third pregnancy. 

Her husband’s fourth deployment was the hardest because of the toll of solo parenting. Their middle son had just been diagnosed with autism, and supporting him alone was challenging. On their first day without Ben, one of her sons got a rock stuck in his ear at Boy Scout camp. On top of managing her young children in the emergency room, the air conditioning at their home gave out on the same day. The stress of the deployment “literally broke me,” Julie said, and she sought out a therapist. 

Seeking Help 

There’s a mentality in the military spouse community that “you have to just do it and suck it up,” but Julie knows from experience that sometimes it’s just too hard to do it all alone and without support. If it’s too much, she encourages spouses to see a therapist or go home for a few months. “We need each other; what we’re going through is really hard,” Julie says. Community support is of the utmost importance, especially during deployments. 

Julie also believes that having regular, scheduled activities to keep yourself and your kids busy is crucial. For example, Julie suggested having a Friday pizza night with other families or starting a book club.

While it’s easy to feel like there’s nothing to do or “start feeling like it’s always going to be like this,” you have the power to join a club, take your kids to the park, and to find something you can do on a regular basis that brings you purpose or joy. It’s all about your mentality and intentionality.

While it’s “easy to go once and never go back and it’s really easy to get discouraged,” Julie encouraged spouses to be consistent. For example, she took her kids to a play group every week. She shifted her mindset to focus on the positives of her kids having fun, and she believed that she would eventually meet people and make friends as well. “I encourage people to get creative, try new things, and don’t be afraid to get out of their comfort zone.” 

Katie McDonald is a Navy wife, and she and her husband are currently stationed in Guam. After 5 years as an English teacher, Katie is currently working as a freelance writer and enjoys writing about books and travel. https://www.katiereads.com/

What a Military Spouse Will Never Understand

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A military spouse will never understand

I have been married to a soldier for almost two decades now. When we met, he was no longer active duty and ended up re-joining the Army after we had been married three years. As much as I can stand by and support him, there are things that I will never understand. There are things that a military spouse can never understand.

I will never understand what it is like to say goodbye to my family, small children included, to put on the uniform and put myself in harm’s way.

I will never understand what it is like to go out on a mission, praying I will make it back to the FOB.

I will never understand the moments when I thought I might not make it home, and picturing how my spouse will react, and how she will tell the children.

I will never understand what it is like being home, yet feeling like I should be over there, that I have a duty to do.

A military spouse will never understand what it is like to actually be in the military

I will never understand what it is like to lose friends in battle, the same battle I was in.

As a military spouse, I can be there for my husband. I can listen to his stories, the good and the bad. I can listen to what he chooses to tell me.

But I know that he won’t tell me everything; I couldn’t even begin to understand. I know that being a soldier is something I can’t fully wrap my mind around, and I won’t try to pretend I get what it is like, because I don’t.

I can get through a deployment, and as hard as that might be, I am safe, in my home, in the United States. I don’t know what it is like to go through a deployment, in my uniform, protecting what I hold dear.

I can roll my eyes when I feel like the Army won’t make up its mind, but I also am not the one that may or may not have to say goodbye to my family for a year, depending on what the Army does decide to do in the end.

On The Emotional Day Before They Deploy

I am not the one who misses what is going on back at home

I can be frustrated about my husband missing something, about him not being there, and not being able to get that time back but I am not the one who has to hear about the event second hand, who has to be okay with just photos and a video, and that feels the pain of what they have missed over the years.

I have never believed we should be debating who has it harder, the service member or the military spouse. Every person is different, every deployment is different. There is no way to weigh each other’s situations.

There is something a soldier goes through, something someone who has deployed has gone through, something about being in the military themselves that a military spouse won’t be able to understand.

But…

We can be a rock

We can be a rock, in an otherwise stormy life.

We can be a person our service member can always trust when it is hard to know who has their back.

We can support them, in the ways they need us to because we love them.

And when things get difficult for us, which they will, we can find ways to make it through, so that we can be there for them, through everything military life brings.

Some military spouses have served in the military, or maybe still do. There are many veterans out there who are now married to a service member themselves and have seen both sides. Some of my closest friends that I have made during this life are prior military. They, of course, have a different perspective on this than I do, a military spouse who has never served.

How long have you been a military spouse?

18 Tips to Help Military Spouses Navigate Their Next Deployment

What a Military Spouse Will Never Understand

18 Tips to Help Military Spouses Navigate Their Next Deployment

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18 Tips to Help Military Spouses Navigate Their Next Deployment

Beyond Staying Busy: 18 Things That Can Truly Help You Survive Your Next Deployment

The #1 bit of advice you will receive during a deployment is to stay busy. That’s simple enough, right? But how about beyond that? What can you do on a day-to-day basis to survive your next deployment? What can you do to make time move faster and not feel like you are always falling apart when you are surviving a deployment?

Here are 18 things that can genuinely help you survive your next deployment:

1. Buy a journal, write in it daily

Find a pretty journal, even Walmart has some cute ones. Write in the journal every day. Make that a part of your routine. Share your day, share your feelings, and let everything out.

2. Find good friends

Find good friends and make plans with them. Don’t be shy. Put yourself out there when you can.

3. Laugh

Laughing during a deployment is the best. Find people you can laugh with. Watch movies that crack you up. Don’t be afraid to have fun even if your spouse is deployed.

4. Focus on school

If you are in school, focus on your school work. If not, maybe now is the time to go back? Check out the programs in your local area as well as online.

5. Focus on work

Focus on your career. Don’t have one yet? Figure out what you want to do. Find a job and get started.

6. Focus on your family

If you have kids, focus on them. They will take up a lot of your time. You can also have regular phone calls with your family back home or even plan for some visits. Family can help with the hole in your heart left from the deployment.

7. Let yourself cry

If you are the type who feels like you need to cry, do it. That can help you get back to a better place.

Beyond Staying Busy: 18 Things That Can Truly Help You Survive Your Next Deployment

8. Binge watch it all

Game of Thrones, This is Us, or any of the Netflix originals will work. If the solo nights are bothering you, binge watch something.

9. Find friends who are there too

Good friends are important and finding friends who are also going through the deployment are a must. You can walk through this together, make plans together, and depend on one another.

10. Make a deployment bucket list

Make a deployment bucket list even before they go. What do you want to get accomplished? What do you want to do with your kids? What can you focus on?

11. Stay on your normal routine

In some cases, sticking to your regular routine is the best thing to do. You can focus on what you normally do and keep living your life, even when your spouse is gone.

12. Wine, lots of wine

Wine or fruity drinks or even Dr. Pepper. Whatever gets you through the deployment.

13. Care packages

Some people love to send care packages, and it’s an excellent way to spend your time. You can get super crafty with them or keep them simple. Remember to be aware of holiday ship by dates as well as when you need to stop sending things overseas because they are coming home.

14. Don’t dwell on it

While you can’t completely forget that they are deployed, you can try not to dwell on the fact that they are gone. When you feel like you are, snap yourself out of that and go and do something fun. Put on some music and get in a better mood.

15. DIY projects

DIY projects can be a lot of fun. Whether you are repainting your kitchen or creating something original. Pinterest can give you a lot of ideas as well as Facebook groups such as White Walls.

Beyond Staying Busy: 18 Things That Can Truly Help You Survive Your Next Deployment

16. Go to the gym

One thing you can focus on to survive your next deployment is to focus on your health. Go to the gym, go for walks, train for a 5K, whatever you do, find a way to get out there and exercise. Not only is working out good for your health, but it’s also a good way to get your anxiety and frustrations out.

17. Slumber parties

If you can find a good friend whose kids get along with yours, have sleepovers. If your spouses are deployed over a holiday, you can have them to not feel as alone. Put the kids to bed, stay up late drinking wine, and vent over all the silly stuff from the day.

18. Stay social

Stay social. Get out there and meet others. Be active. There is so much you can do, especially if you live near post. See what is out there and make plans.

Not all of these tips will work for everyone, but they can give you a good idea of what you can do to survive your next deployment.

What would you add to this list???

Beyond Staying Busy: 18 Things That Can Truly Help You Survive Your Next Deployment

Supporting Military Moms: A Military Spouse Spotlight

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Supporting Military Moms: A Military Spouse Spotlight

Supporting Military Moms: A Military Spouse Spotlight

Charlotte is a Coast Guard wife, mother, and doula, and she has dedicated her work to supporting military families throughout their prenatal, labor, and postpartum journeys. After her own traumatic birth experience and a difficult postpartum season, Charlotte recognized the importance of having an advocate and supporter, especially when deployments and far-away duty stations leave new and expecting mothers on their own. 

Desperate for Answers

Charlotte received her prenatal and postpartum care with civilian providers in Florida, and while she “thought my body would have known what to do…it’s not that simple.” She ended up with an emergency C-section because her heart rate was dropping, and her daughter was not tolerating Pitocin. She was separated from her daughter for 7 hours while she was taken to the NICU for additional care, and she sadly recalled that she “know[s] what it’s like to be left in an empty room alone.”

Her daughter ultimately had to stay in the NICU for four days, but Charlotte was frustrated by the minimal answers she received about her daughter’s condition from the medical team. She had to ask three times to speak with a doctor, and she felt that the answers she received from the nurses were surface-level. Similarly, she had to continuously ask for a lactation consultant. It was “a lot of advocating I didn’t expect to do freshly postpartum,” she said, and even with her husband present and her sister-in-law (who is a neonatologist) available to help, she felt herself struggling to find the answers she needed. 

Overall, she felt overwhelmed by her birth experience, and her postpartum days were marked by loneliness, frustration, and deep sadness. She recalled her first night home from the hospital and how she awoke to find an empty bassinet. She freaked out because she forgot that her daughter was still in the NICU. To this day, Charlotte doesn’t have answers to many of her questions about her traumatic birth and recovery, and she’s gone through a lot of therapy to process and heal from the experience.

Feeling Alone and Finding a Lifeline

After her daughter was able to come home, Charlotte felt “crazy” and didn’t leave the house for six months. She found it hard to talk to people about what she was going through because of the unique struggles of military life. People tried to give her well-meaning advice, but Charlotte felt that many other moms “don’t get that experience…it’s not a normal job where your spouse can just take leave.”

Her husband had to go out to sea and split his paternity leave, and she recalled the difficulty of not having regular and easy contact with him. While she recognized it wasn’t her husband’s fault that he was gone during such a sensitive and critical time, she still felt upset, alone, and unsupported. While she had one friend come over to help, she felt that most people just wanted to see her baby rather than offer her the support and care she so desperately needed as a new mom. 

Additionally, she struggled with feelings of shame. She told herself, “Other moms had babies in the NICU for longer,” and because she felt that she wasn’t taken seriously at the hospital, she felt even worse. “I don’t know how I made it out of that,” she recalled, and credits her virtual support groups and therapist as being her “lifeline” during these difficult transitional months. 

Supporting Military Moms: A Military Spouse Spotlight

A Desire to Give Back and Supporting Military Moms

Charlotte needed time to work on herself and heal, but she soon felt the need to give back. “Being a doula is my way to heal,” she says, and she is determined to help other women see that “birth can be beautiful even if it doesn’t go to plan.” She began doing virtual trainings in Florida when her daughter was a year old, and she completed her certification in births in Guam after their PCS. 

Guam has been a challenging and rewarding duty station for her as a doula because of the lack of maternity care resources, the distance many women are from their families, and the difficulties that deployments pose. She says that “holding space for all the feelings and all the emotions is sometimes what they [moms] need,” and she works to tailor her support to each client’s needs. For example, she can accompany women in person to their prenatal appointments or can join on speakerphone to help them feel less alone.

Making specialist appointments with Tricare can be a difficult and daunting process, and she works to advocate for and support women as they navigate the healthcare system. She helps women to draft questions before their appointments and gives them the space to vent if things don’t go according to plan. Her goal is to “help moms feel empowered to speak up.” After seeing the red flags in her own care and not knowing how to speak up, she works to ensure that women feel safe. 

She recently started a support group for new and expecting moms because she knows “how lonely it can be.” She said that being in a support group “really helped me to know I’m not crazy…knowing you’re not alone and have other moms you can lean on helps a lot because it can feel really isolating.” She also offers birth education classes because “the more you know, the more empowered you are.” She wants new moms to “feel like the choices they make are their own.” 

More Changes Ahead

After only a year in Guam, Charlotte’s husband received an opportunity to work in Puerto Rico. While Charlotte was in the midst of establishing her doula services in Guam, she is looking forward to her next steps after their move. She is interested in becoming a midwife so she can take a more hands-on approach to maternal care. 

Katie McDonald is a Navy wife, and she and her husband are currently stationed in Guam. After 5 years as an English teacher, Katie is currently working as a freelance writer and enjoys writing about books and travel. https://www.katiereads.com/

The 10 Worst Duty Stations

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The 10 Worst Duty Stations

Duty stations are such a popular topic. People always want to know everything about where they are going to PCS or the differences in duty stations. They want to know all about the best duty stations and the worst duty stations.

I have thought about making a list of the 10 worst duty stations for a while. I know there are certain places where people just dread going, and maybe for good reason. These places aren’t ideal, especially when you could get stationed at some amazing places.

However, I also strongly believe that you can “bloom where you are stationed” anywhere you might end up. That doesn’t mean you have to love your duty station, but that you don’t have to spend every day hating it, and that there are things to love about every place you might go.

So…what makes something the “worst” duty station? How can you get past that feeling? Well…here you go:

The duty station where your best friend just moved away

Finding your military spouse BFF is the best, but when that happens, something else will too, your best friend will probably have to move away at some point. And if they don’t, you do. And that sucks.

What can you do to help? Stay connected with them, even over the miles. Work to meet new people. And remember all those precious memories you’ve shared.

The duty station far from your family

Being away from family can be difficult for some people, especially if this is your first duty station. But there is something special about being out on your own, and making somewhere new your home. Try not to dwell on feeling homesick so much and work to find a place in your new location.

The duty station where you can’t find a job

You have worked hard, went to college, and as soon as it was time for you to find a job, your service member spouse gets orders overseas. Now there is no way to find a job in your field. This can be so frustrating.

You can stay behind, but that isn’t an option for most families. You can look and see what volunteer jobs you can get at your new duty station that you can add to your resume. You can think outside the box and try something different, or even work hard to find that ideal job, despite the difficulties of finding one where you are currently living.

The duty station that deploys your spouse too much

One question that comes up a lot is “how often is my spouse going to deploy if we PCS to this duty station,” but that question is hard to answer. The number of times they deploy, how long they are gone, and everything related to deployments depend on many factors.

The best thing to do if your spouse is going to deploy a lot is find a good friend circle, fill up your calendars as much as you can, and know you are not alone in this.

The duty station with awful housing

Sometimes, there is nothing you can do about bad housing at your duty station. You just have to deal with it, and try to make it your own. On the other hand, you might be able to move, either somewhere else on-post or off-post. Check out your options and go from there.

The duty station where you just can’t find your people

You assume that once you move to your new duty station, you will eventually find a fun friend group like the one you had before. But after a couple of months, it seems like you aren’t going to find your people. This is something we military spouses can struggle with.

If you find yourself in this position, make sure you are getting out there on a regular basis and trying to meet new people. Sign up for things you are interested in, take the kids to playgroups, and be friendly with those you meet when you are out and about.

The duty station that seems too expensive

There are a few places you could get stationed that will cost more than other places. This can be frustrating. Housing off-post might seem like too much or you might feel like your family can’t go out and do anything because of the costs.

Make sure you are doing your budget every month, find ways to save, and look for fun free events going on in your community.

The duty station you didn’t think you would end up

Maybe you just assumed you would always stay in the south, but now here you are on an airplane headed to Hawaii. And you are terrified.

Anything out of your comfort zone can be scary, but think of your new duty station as an adventure. Read up on the fun you can have where you are going, or the experiences of people who have lived there. And trust yourself to make the most out of your stay.

The duty station no one has ever heard of

Sometimes your spouse will get orders to a place no one has ever heard of. These can be smaller duty stations or more specialty-based, and because of that, you can’t find much information on them. If you need to know about Fort Hood or Fort Campbell, there is a ton of information out there, but not so much on a duty station most people have never heard of.

See if you can connect with the FRG (if they have one) or other spouses in your service member’s new unit. If you do have to go in without knowing too much, see what your post or base has available to you to get to know the area. They might have a newcomers class you can join.

The duty station you have been before and didn’t want to return

Maybe you were stationed somewhere for a few years and hated it. Then you left. Now five years have gone by and guess what? Your spouse just received orders to go back. You are filled with dread.

But remember, the duty station you left in 2014 will be different from the one you PCS to today. Duty stations change, people move in and then move away, you could have a completely different experience in the same place. Do not assume that your first time there will be exactly like you second.

What makes or breaks a duty station for you?

The 10 Worst Duty Stations

Expecting Overseas: Expect the Unexpected

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Expecting Overseas: Expect the Unexpected

When I found out I was pregnant, it was not the picture-perfect moment my husband and I had envisioned. There was an image in our minds of an orchestrated and planned reveal. At the very least, we thought we would find out together. But when I took a pregnancy test on a whim a couple of months after we got married, our whole lives changed. We were overjoyed to be parents, but I was also filled with anxiety about what that would look like thousands of miles from home. 

I was symptom-free, but I had a sneaking anxiety in the back of my mind that only a test could quiet. I fully expected it to be as negative as it had been the month before, so I didn’t wait for my husband to come home from work. 

However, instead of the strong, single line that I expected, there was a noticeable second staring back at me. It was the middle of the night on the East Coast, but I immediately video called my mom, holding the test up to the screen. Was I seeing this right? Was that a second line? Even though she was half asleep, she confirmed, yes, I was reading that right. That’s a second line; you’re pregnant. 

I immediately called my husband in tears, overwhelmed by a wave of emotion. When I told him I had just taken a pregnancy test, he promised he would drive back as soon as he could. I found a digital test that gave me my answer in no uncertain terms. I was going to be a mom, and my lifelong dream of starting my own family was coming true. 

I was so happy and had been wanting to be a mom for as long as I could remember. However, I was also so nervous about this pregnancy. Being on a small, relatively remote island means that mothers and babies can be sent to Japan or Hawaii for more intensive and specialized care. I was worried about something going wrong and needing to fly for hours to get the resources my baby or I would need.

My mom had been hospitalized and suffered from severe morning sickness with both of her pregnancies, and I worried I would face similar challenges without my support systems. In this moment of massive change, I ached with homesickness for my mom and all that was familiar. I was on the literal other side of the world, and while I had made peace with that fact, this massive change rocked my confidence. 

When I went in for my first appointment, I was immediately struck by the reality of our projected summer move, which was less than a year away. Sure, there was the to-do list of setting up a nursery that would need to be packed away almost as soon as it was put to use, but there was also the pressure to get our baby a passport as soon as possible to prepare for an overseas move. I was lucky, though, to have my husband with me at every appointment. His calm and confidence were so needed to steady my bundle of nerves before and during those early appointments.

I waited with dread and anxious anticipation for the debilitating morning sickness to arrive, but to my great relief, I was spared from that painful fate. I was nauseous throughout the first trimester, so while I normally enjoyed grocery shopping and cooking dinner, my husband and I had a steady diet of beige colored foods.

Expecting Overseas: Expect the Unexpected

Baked potatoes, crackers, cereal, and toast became my best friends, and while I didn’t always feel my best, I still managed to work part-time and get some errands done. I waited with bated breath for the worst-case scenarios of bed rest and hospitalization, but they never came. I wasn’t feeling like myself, but I was managing. I could sigh with a little relief as I inched closer and closer to the second trimester and things continued to progress without concern.

The scariest moment for me was when I caught the flu at the beginning of my second trimester. I went from feeling fine to having full body aches like I’ve never experienced in my life. Even lying on the bed was painful, but that was all I could manage. My husband came home as early as he could in the evenings, but I spent hours alone, wishing we weren’t such a long and expensive plane ride away from home. While the two weeks of sickness and recovery felt endless, they passed, and our baby was just as healthy as before. I faced down my fears and came out the other side tired but stronger than before. 

In the months that followed, we were able to travel to Saipan, Kyoto, Tokyo, Virginia, and Florida as a couple, and I was able to make a trip to Virginia on my own as well. We had the good fortune of seeing both of our families, and spending time traveling with my husband did me a world of good. With his busy schedule and my transition to part-time and freelance work, it’s been easy to feel lonely, anxious, and unmotivated, but getting to explore new and familiar cities with our favorite people reinvigorated me every time.

I worried before every trip about the plane ride and the possibility of something going wrong, but every time, none of my worst fears proved themselves to be true. I began to believe with real confidence that everything was going to be okay. In fact, it was better than okay. Things were genuinely going well. 

My mom hosted a virtual baby shower for me, and both of our families logged onto Zoom to offer their support. We’ve been overwhelmed by the generosity of our family and friends in the States and our newfound community here in Guam. My husband’s coworkers have been incredibly generous in passing down baby items that their own children have outgrown, and our families and friends have helped to purchase the essentials. Our hallway quickly filled with Amazon deliveries and handmade blankets accompanied by words of love and support. We may not be physically nearby, but we are never far from their hearts. 

We found out that our PCS will be moved to the fall, and having at least two unexpected extra months before our next overseas move has given me infinitely less stress and infinitely more confidence. Traveling with a 5-month-old instead of a 3-month-old doesn’t sound like a big difference, but it means the world when you’re scrambling to get a Social Security card, passport, a reasonable amount of sleep, and enough visits to the pediatrician to assure yourself that a plane ride to another country is a good idea. Again, the things I most feared seemed to be less scary in the light of day. Life, with all of its complexities and curveballs, has a way of working itself out, even when we doubt it will. 

With every obstacle I feared or faced, it felt as though a guardian angel had been watching over our baby girl and us. My anxieties have been assuaged as each day passes without catastrophe, and while there’s been bumps in the road, homesickness, and the discomforts that come with pregnancy, there’s been such a growing excitement and peace as the due date creeps ever closer.

Giving birth overseas was not something I had planned for, and while my heart aches that we’ll be crossing milestones so far from our family, I know we have so much to look forward to when we get to visit (and eventually move back to) the States. While military marriages are filled with unexpected obstacles and unique challenges, life has a way of offering us support and strength when we need it the most. 

Katie McDonald is a Navy wife, and she and her husband are currently stationed in Guam. After 5 years as an English teacher, Katie is currently working as a freelance writer and enjoys writing about books and travel. https://www.katiereads.com/

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10 Ways to Help Your Kids During a Deployment

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10 Ways to Help Your Kids During a Deployment

During a deployment, we milspouses have to do what we can to keep the household running. We struggle to keep things together and often have tear-filled nights as we make our way through the time our spouse has to be away. Then we have our kids.

We worry about them too because they are missing one of their parents. For those of us who grew up in non-military homes, the idea of being away from one parent for so long can be foreign.

How can you help your kids during a deployment? Here are 10 ideas.

1. Give them information

Based on the ages of your kids, explain to your children where your spouse is, what they will do, and anything else you feel comfortable sharing. If your spouse has sent you photos, share those with them. You don’t want to scare your children, but if they can have an idea of where their mom or dad is, that can help.

2. Remind them it is not their fault

Some children might assume that they could have done something to cause their parent to leave. Assure them that this is not the case. That their mom or dad has a job to do, and if they could be home with them, they would be. Assure them that they love them very much and will miss them when they are away.

3. Encourage them to talk

If your children are old enough, encourage them to talk to you about their feelings. Kids can hold things in, but talking about what is going on is important. Some schools, both on base and off, have deployment groups for kids who are going through one. See if your child can join those groups, and let them know you are always there with a listening ear.

4. Talk about your spouse

Talk about your spouse often. Share silly stories and bring up memories that you had together. Have photos around the house and in scrapbooks. For babies, you can put photos near their crib so they can get used to seeing the face of their mom or dad.

5. Have a plan for the difficult days

There are going to be difficult days for any kid. Whether they are acting out or just sad, they will need a pick-me-up. Make plans for those days. Go out for ice cream, see a movie, or take them to a particular park or playground. Find something fun to do that will help them get through the stressful day.

6. Schedule fun activities

Have a Taco Tuesday, and on Fridays, get a pizza and rent a movie. Schedule these fun, regular nights, so your children have things to look forward to each week. Find out what is going on both on and off base in your area. Fill up your calendar and get out and explore.

7. Have them help with care packages

When you are sending a care package, have them help you put everything together. They can color pictures or the box and help you pack everything in. They can also write letters to their mom or dad and let them know they can do so as often as they want to. If they are older, have them make the whole care package themselves. Something special they can send to mom or dad overseas.

8. Have a count up.

With kids, having a countdown can be a bit tricky if things change, but having a count-up can be a lot of fun. You can put pennies in a jar, candy, or whatever it is you want to do to look at how much time you have gone through. On the more challenging days, you can remind them of what you all have been through.

9. Resources

There are quite a few resources you can take advantage of. Hug a Hero Dolls, or Daddy Dolls, are always a hit, and you can order them online. Sesame Street has a wonderful program for kids going through a deployment. There are also quite a few books out there for military children that are worth checking out.

10. Know your child

The truth is, different children handle deployments in various ways. Some will show their sadness through tears, others will act out, and some will have a very “this is the way it is” attitude about everything. Remember to talk with your child and base your response on their personality. Seek extra help if you need to, and know that you and your child will get through this time apart.

 

10 Ways to Help Your Kids During a Deployment
10 Ways to Help Your Kids During a Deployment