Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

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You Know You Are a Military Spouse When…

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You Know You Are a Military Spouse When…

Military spouse life is a unique experience. Whether you are stationed overseas in places like Japan or Germany, stationed in the US, or as a spouse of a National Guard or Reserves member.

The military life is one filled with highs and lows, twists and turns, unexpected blessings and unfortunate disappointments.

The the truth is, as a military community we can relate to many shared experiences. Here are a few of them:

You know you are a military spouse when…

You know your spouse’s social more than your own. You hardly have to use yours.

You cringe when your spouse comes home with “news”. Is it good news or bad news or what? Just tell me!

You know you have to avoid the Commissary on paydays and yet you find yourself there anyway. Whatcha gonna do?

You have friends in Bahrain, Japan, Germany, and England. And think it would be lovely if you could visit all of them but it might never happen because you are stuck in Kentucky.

You have a radar for all things “free childcare”.

You never want to write your dates in pen because they always seem to change, especially when it comes to leave dates.

You love that there is an amazing Walt Disney World discount but you just pray leave dates don’t change so you can make the trip.

You get tired of people asking if you will be coming home for Christmas because you don’t even know where you will be stationed in December and if that would mean a three-hour car ride or $4000 in plane tickets.

You have three children and they were all born in different continents.

You dream of going to Europe but the military sent you to New York instead.

Tricare is your friend and worst enemy.

Your living room looks like camo threw up all over it when your spouse is getting ready for deployment or other trainings.

You know the care package deal like the back of your hand, and can juggle a package, a toddler, and a baby, while in line at the post office.

You have your drill weekend traditions down to a science. So much so, that when drill weekend dates change, you aren’t sure if you are happy he will be home or a little disappointed your plans will have to wait.

You move so often, you have a specific list of tasks you know you have to do, and you get started on it immediately.

A business asks you for your zip code and you have to think a minute about which one to give them.

You accidentally give the gate guard your gym membership card and have to laugh at the silly joke they make to you about it.

You spend many of your holidays with friends because traveling home with three kids is a lot when your spouse is deployed.

You know you belong to a community of other spouses that overall are willing to support you and help you on your military life journey.

Twas the Night Before Christmas For the Military Spouse

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Twas the Night Before Christmas For the Military Spouse

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, no one was stirring, except one military spouse.

She knew what tonight was, but wasn’t feeling the cheer, her husband of 12 years was simply not here.

He was serving his country, on deployment #4, she simply couldn’t wait until April, when he would walk through the door.

Her kids were in bed, excited for morning, they didn’t want to go, despite her stern warning.

She looked at a picture, taken last year, when he was home beside her and she didn’t have much to fear.

But this year was different, and he was far away, but she still wanted to try to have a wonderful Christmas day.

She put on some music, and finished her last chore, she loved her sweet family, down to the core.

Christmas was special and a time to love, and she would get through this deployment, with help from above.

Her husband was deployed, and that made her sad, but thinking of her children Christmas morning made her heart very glad.

She turned out the light, and headed to bed, loving the lights of the tree, both green and red.

As hard as it was, she found her inner strength, she could handle this deployment, no matter the length.

Solo parenting was hard, and she hated missing him, but she knew in the end, it wasn’t so grim.

She had her friends, and her children by her side, and would take this deployment day by day even if she sometimes cried.

Because one day in April, would be homecoming day, and she would load up her children in her van, not a sleigh.

And they would head to the gym, where they would need to wait, with the other spouses and children on this very important date.

As a military spouse, we can spend Christmas alone, but we do what we can to warm up our home.

She would spot him right away, standing in the crowd, and when it was time they would run to him proud.

So if you are a military spouse, with your love far away, I want you to know you will get through Christmas Day.

It might not be exactly like before, but Christmas has magic you just can’t ignore.

Merry Christmas to all and know that it’s true, you got this military spouse, you absolutely do.

9 Things You Can Say To People Who Tell You They Could Never Do Military Spouse Life

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9 Things You Can Say To People Who Tell You They Could Never Do Military Spouse Life

I am sure you have heard it before, when you are telling a friend that your spouse has to deploy for six months. They look at you and say, “I could never do it.” And you just want to roll your eyes a bit because even though you understand what they are saying, you also sometimes feel like you couldn’t do it either. And that you only “do it” because you love your spouse and they happen to serve their country by serving in the military.

You know that they are probably not trying to be mean by saying this, but sometimes that phrase is hard to hear. As military spouses, we do what we have to do, even if we don’t like what is happening. Most military spouses wouldn’t say they love deployments but we work hard to find ways to cope through them.

So what is the best thing to say to people when they tell you this? How should you handle this topic?

Here are 9 ideas for what you can say to people who tell you they could never do military spouse life:

1.”I couldn’t either.”

The truth is, I used to say this. When we first started talking about my husband joining the Army, I said this. I didn’t think I could handle solo parenting or being away from him. But then things changed, and I was able to because I knew I had to just get through it. I knew that I had to support him, no matter how long he had to be away or how hard things got.

2. “Well, if your spouse were in the military, you would find a way.”

This is the thing; if you are married to a service member, you figure out how to do things you didn’t think you could. I would even say this is true for most people. Whether you are married to a service member or not, your life could bring you challenges and you figure out how to get through them, even if it is just one day at a time.

3. “Well, not all of us have to thankfully.”

Although this might come off a little bit snarky, luckily, not everyone has to be without their spouse. Not everyone has to deal with all the lonely nights. We live in a country where not everyone has to be away, fighting in a war.

9 Things You Can Say To People Who Tell You They Could Never Do Military Spouse Life

4. “Well, you just take it one day at a time.”

Really, that’s what we have to do. One day at a time. One hour at a time on some days. We just get through. We stay busy. We make friends. We figure out how to survive a deployment. One day down during a deployment is one day closer to them being home.

5. “With enough wine, chocolate, and Netflix you would be able to get through it too.”

Maybe instead of wine it is coffee, and maybe instead of chocolate it is ice cream, but we find ways to get through the time apart. Whether it is diving into a good book series or a new Netflix show. As military spouses, we have all sorts of tools in our deployment toolkit to get through a deployment.

6. “It’s hard, not going to lie.”

Sometimes we should just be honest with people. Military life is hard. We can’t sugarcoat that. We have days where all we can do is feed the kids and do a load of laundry. Survival mode is a thing and sometimes that is the only way through. But just because something is hard, it doesn’t mean we will automatically walk away, especially when it concerns our spouse.

7. “I would rather be married to my soldier than anyone else, so I deal with it.”

This is what it comes down to. We do this because we want to be married to the person who has decided to join the military. We would rather do this with them than have another life with someone else. And in most cases, the person you are talking to would do the same thing. They have just never had to think about living without their spouse before.

9 Things You Can Say To People Who Tell You They Could Never Do Military Spouse Life

8. “Hard things seem impossible until you have been faced with them yourself.”

I have friends that have been through the death of a child, death of a spouse, a divorce, or any other difficult situation. Life means these things might happen and they get through them just like anyone who has been faced with something that seems impossible. You never really know how strong you are until you stare the impossible in the face.

9. “Want to bring me dinner sometime?”

Why not ask that person for help? I know, it’s hard for us military spouses to ask for help but maybe when someone says, “I could never do it” to us, we could ask them for help. If they can recognize that a deployment is going to be a hardship for us, they are also probably willing to help you out, even in small ways.

While hearing, “I could never do it” can get frustrating, especially when so many people say it to us, we should remember that people don’t usually mean anything bad by it. They simply have not been in our shoes, and the thought of having to do what we do is scary. This is so human.

We can talk with our friends about what military life is really like; we can let them know that we do struggle but that we do it for a reason. We can tell them that we got this, as hard as it seems to them. We can explain that we don’t do this because we love being alone or love deployments, but we do it because we married a service member and want to support them in their career choice.

What do you say when someone says, “I could never do it” to you?

The Reality of Raising Children Away From Family

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The Reality of Raising Children Away From Family

When your spouse joins the military, one of the things you have to be okay with is raising your children away from family. You won’t always be stationed close to home. You might be across the country, or even the ocean from everything you have ever known. This can be hard to adjust to and even harder to accept.

The reality of raising children away from family can feel so upsetting sometimes. If you have an idea in your head of what type of role your family has when you have your own children, there can be a lot of disappointment. The truth is, you never really know how this will make you feel and sometimes it doesn’t feel good.

I have always wanted to get away from home. About two months after high school graduation, I moved about nine hours away to go to college. This wasn’t because I hated my family, but I wanted to get out and explore. I wanted to experience life in different places. I wanted to “see the world” as much as I could.

Before my husband re-joined the Army, we moved from California to Kentucky with a six-month-old. Back then, I didn’t think much about what this meant as far as raising children away from family. I didn’t think about how difficult that would sometimes be or what we would be giving up by moving away.

Once my husband joined the army, we didn’t have as much of choice. We ended up in Germany and then Fort Campbell. These days, the Army can’t keep us. My husband is in the National Guard and technically could switch to a different state. However, there are a lot of reasons why moving back near family simply isn’t possible for us right now.

The Reality of Raising Children Away From Family

We are the part of the family that lives far away.

We are the ones the others don’t see too often. We are the ones that miss the birthday parties, the get-togethers, and the day to day lives of our family members. This is something so many military families can relate to as well.

When you are raising children away from family, you know that the people that are most special to you will miss out on certain parts of their childhood. You know that there are always pictures and video, but they can never replace being there in person. You try your best to keep everyone involved, but even through doing that, it isn’t the same as being there.

When you are raising children away from family, you must depend on friends and pay babysitters vs asking family to help watch your kids.

In the midst of solo parenting, this becomes a bigger challenge. What if you just need someone to watch your kids so you can breathe? Is that really something you can ask a friend to do? To pay a sitter to do? This part of being away from family can be difficult, and I envy my friends who have family nearby who can be there to step in for childcare needs.

When you are raising children away from family, the distance can make it difficult for your kids to know all of your family members the way you would want them to. Connecting across the miles isn’t always easy. Everyone is living busy lives and unless you take the time to schedule out calls and video chats on a regular basis, years can go by without talking.

While staying connected to grandma might be easy, staying connected to other family members is a lot more difficult. Your kids don’t get to have regular get-togethers and times with these people. Unless you can travel home often, too much time can go by without seeing one another.

The Reality of Raising Children Away From Family

There is hope though. Just because you are a military family doesn’t mean you have to say goodbye forever.

For one thing, there is always the chance that you will be stationed near your family. There are plenty of military families that live within a couple of hours from home. They travel there on long weekends, every holiday, and the divide isn’t so great.

If you are stationed overseas, or across the country from your family, this can give them a reason to visit you. You can play tourist and show them around. You can make memories you otherwise wouldn’t have made had you never left home.

When you live far away from family, you gain some independence you wouldn’t otherwise have. Friends become like family, and you learn how to have quiet holidays without a lot of the stress. There is something to be said for this type of life.

You can visit, as much as you can.

And although visiting will never be the same as living close, seeing your family on a regular basis can be an excellent way to bridge that divide. And if you can’t visit often right now, that could change as the years go by.

When you are raising children away from family, there are so many times you are going to feel left out. That you are going to feel that your kids are missing out. That you are going to wonder if you made the right decision to leave, even if that decision was made because of the military.

The best thing to do is look at everything you have and everything your kids have gained since you left. Focus on the positives of living away from home instead of the negatives.

Think about how your children have been to castles in Europe and have seen the Roman Colosseum. Think about the friends who became like family, that will always be in your life. Think about the quiet moments that have bonded you all together, that might not have happened as often had you stayed.

And remember, life can change as life often does. The way you are living your life right now can be completely different in a few years. If you want to be close to home again, see if your spouse can be stationed in your home state. Invite family to visit. Take more trips. And always make sure to connect over the miles, even if life seems too busy to do so.

How far away do you live from your family? What do you do to stay connected?

When You Don’t Feel Strong Enough For Military Life

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I couldn’t believe he was gone. I couldn’t believe this deployment had started. I couldn’t believe I had to go through this again.

I certainly didn’t feel strong enough for this. I didn’t feel strong enough for the deployment. I didn’t feel strong enough for military life.

And yet, somehow, the days went by. Somehow I made it through that deployment. Somehow I was strong enough to do just that.

Through that deployment, and other past deployments, I realized something powerful.

Not feeling strong enough to get through something doesn’t mean I am not strong enough to do so.

Often times, us military spouses feel like if we are not 100% prepared for any possible situation, if we can’t get through everything military life brings with a smile on our face, if we can’t do a thing without a couple of meltdowns, we are not a good military spouse.

This isn’t true at all!

The truth is, you are not always going to feel as strong as you want to. I certainly don’t. Some days I might feel like I have military life down, and other days? Not so much.

So, if you are not feeling strong enough for military life, you are not alone, and there is nothing wrong with you.

Sometimes military life makes it hard to feel strong.

But what can you do about this? How can you find your inner strength? How can you get to a place where you feel like you can handle what military life is currently throwing at you?

Depend on your friends

I am not sure what I would have done over the years without my friends. They truly got me through, each and every deployment. From helping me stay busy, to being a shoulder to cry on. Depend on your friends, they can help you up when you are feeling down.

Don’t compare

This one is hard for me. When it feels like your husband is always the one who has to go, being happy for others can be more difficult. When it seems like your kids are the ones who have to go without their dad around, life can feel pretty unfair.

The best thing to do is to stop comparing yourself to other spouses, both civilian and military. Some service members deploy more than others. Some civilian spouses will never have to spend more than a weekend away from their spouse. And that is so hard to take.

But we can’t compare and dwell on how unfair everything is. We have to pull ourselves out of that. And if we can do that, we will be able to get to a better place and we won’t struggle with jealousy quite as much.

This too shall pass

If you need to tell yourself, “this too shall pass,” 50 times a day, do it. Reminding yourself that this deployment is a temporary situation is going to go a long way. I can’t tell you how many times I would feel like I was in stuck in a deployment funk, but simply reminding myself that the deployment was temporary helped me feel so much better.

When we are going through a difficult time, feeling like this is how life will always be is way too easy to do, but that isn’t the case. Look at how far you have come, and know you can be strong through the rest of the deployment too.

If you need extra help

If you are going through a deployment and you struggle with anxiety (which I do) or depression, please don’t be afraid to ask for extra help. Your mental health is so important and working on that during a deployment is a must.

When the Holidays Don’t Feel Like the Holidays

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When the Holidays Don't Feel Like the Holidays

The holidays are here! You want to be excited, you want to go all-in, but…what do you do when your spouse is deployed? When they are off to some other part of the world too many miles from where you are? What do you do when you just don’t feel like doing Christmas? When you just don’t feel like setting anything up? When you just want the holidays to be over so you will be closer to homecoming and seeing your spouse again?

When your spouse is deployed during this time of year, the holidays don’t always feel like the holidays. You might want to skip them altogether, or just wish away time to the new year when the holidays are over. You might not be feeling like you even have much to celebrate. But you do.

I think most military spouses will go through this at one time or another.

Here are some ideas to help if you are feeling like the holidays and not the holidays this year:

Don’t pressure yourself

One of the biggest issues with social media is comparing yourself to other families. And this seems to get worse during the holidays. The thing is, you don’t have to do things the way others do.

Is there something that overwhelms you at the thought of having to do it? Don’t. Or maybe there is something you normally do with help from your spouse, and you simply don’t have the energy to do so this year. That’s okay too.

Find what works for your family and don’t worry about what everyone else is doing. Take the pressure off yourself. Your holiday season will be much easier that way.

Add a new tradition

Why not try a new tradition this year? Something for you and your kids to get excited about. Are you stationed overseas? If so, why not adopt a tradition of the country you are stationed in? Adding something new can be just what you need to get excited about this holiday season, even if your spouse is deployed.

Plan for celebrating later

If your spouse is coming home early in the new year, you could always save the celebrating for then. If you have very small children or no children, this can work well. Older, school-age children might have trouble with this so you could have a small celebration with plans for a bigger one later. As military families, we have to be flexible and this is one way to do so during a deployment.

Fake it until you make it

Sometimes you simply have to fake it until you make it. Make a list of all the holiday things you normally do and try to work on a few a day, even if you don’t feel like it. Getting started with getting ready for the holidays can help you get in the mood. Involve your kids because you know they are going to be excited about the holidays no matter what.

Put on a Christmas movie, light a holiday candle, or take the kids to see Santa. Do something that can really put you in the holiday mood. This can help you get there, even if you are not sure if it will work.

What have you done to help during the holidays when you don’t feel like celebrating because they are deployed?

6 Smart Tips for Your First Deployment Day

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We learned from the last time and decided to drop my husband off a few hours before he would have to leave. I didn’t want to stick around until the last moment. We hugged, we kissed and took some videos. Knowing full well that our boys would be that much older when he would see them again. Knowing that we would both grow and change as people, on our own and thousands of miles away from each other.

One last hug, one last kiss. I put the boys in the car, I turned to the back seat and told them, “We got this. We totally got this.” And then, I drove away, leaving my husband in the background, knowing that this deployment would be another challenging period of time our family would have to endure.

The day you drop off your spouse will stay with you for the rest of your life. The last hug, the last kiss, the last touch, the goodbye, watching them walk away from you. Watching them disappear not knowing when you will see them again or what life will be like when you do.

What can you do on this deployment day? How can you get through it?

Plan the rest of the day

Make sure you have plans for after you say goodbye. Go to dinner with friends, order take out and have a movie night, go for a long walk or even do something normal like go grocery shopping. If you need to, go home and cry. That’s okay too. Just know that the first day is going to be a shock to your system. It’s not going to seem real and getting through the first part of a deployment is going to take some time.

Find friends

Make a list of friends you can call during your deployment. Who do you want to get together with? Who do you want to spend your time with? Who can you depend on? Start making plans with them and have a backup plan in case of emergencies. If you don’t have any friends where you live, make plans to find some. Go to local groups, attend FRG meetings and try to get out and be social, at least every few days. If you have a long-distance friend you can count on, give them all call and let them know the deployment has started. They can be there for you too.

Fill your calendar

You should have a rough idea about how long the deployment is going to be. Know that the dates can change, and by quite a few months sometimes too. However, if you can plan out the months they will be gone, you will feel better about the time they are away. Plan a trip, sign up for a class, start a new hobby and connect with your community. Find out about local events and sign up for any group that looks interesting to you.

Make goals

The first day they are gone is a good time to make your deployment goals if you haven’t already. What do you want to accomplish? What do you want to work on? Do you want to become a reader? Repaint your home? Go back to school? Having these goals to work through will help you stay busy and accomplish things when your spouse is deployed.

You can cry

Some of us cry more than others. That’s okay. It might be the smallest of things that cause the water works to come. That’s okay too. You will probably want to cry a lot that first day and into the next. That is okay and normal. Crying is our bodies way of getting out the sadness and most of the time, the day after a good cry is a much better deployment day.

Buy your favorite meal

Treat yourself to your favorite meal. Make something ahead of time, order food to go or even take yourself out to eat. Having a nice meal on your more difficult days can be a good way to get through them. Since the first day they are gone is going to be the most difficult, having something good to eat will be comforting to you. Figure this out ahead of time so you have a plan when you drop them off.

Remember that not every deployment day is going to be as hard as that first day was. Some days will be good, others will take you down but remember, deployments do not last forever and somehow you will get through. Whether the deployment is just a few weeks, a few months or over a year, you will have a homecoming date to look forward to.

If your spouse just left for a deployment, you can use my Guide to the First 30 days of a deployment by signing up for my mailing list!

9 Things to Love About Military Life

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9 Things to Love About Military Life

There are plenty of times I have been frustrated with military life during my years as a military spouse. There is a lot to get frustrated about. However, there are also plenty of things to love about military life too. Here is my list of 9 things to love about military life.

1. Getting to live in a different country

While not every military family gets stationed overseas, there is always that option. We spent four years in Germany, and I am very thankful for that experience. The military will move you to a different country, pay for your belongings and your car, and give you extra money while you are there. If you get the chance to go overseas, do it.

By living in another country, you can open up your world. If you have children, they will get to experience a different culture and make memories they will always have with them. This is an amazing thing for your kids to experience.

2. Traveling places

Whether you are stationed overseas or stationed in the United States, being a military family means you get to see things and travel places you wouldn’t be able to do otherwise. As you meet other military families you will also have people to visit through the years. This can make traveling even more fun.

For some military families, traveling means getting in the car and going on days trips. For others, it means going to Disneyworld once a year. When you are stationed somewhere new, there are so many places to explore. Places you never even thought you would ever go.

3. Making friends from all over

As a military spouse, you will be able to make friends from all over the place. One of my favorite things to ask new people is where they are from. Talking about where you grew up, and the differences between where you and your friend grew up can also be a lot of fun. Not only will you make friends from all over the United States but you will meet them from other countries and doing so makes your life much richer.

9 Things to Love About Military Life

4. The Sisterhood

There is definitely a sisterhood of military spouses if you open yourself up enough to finding it. You all go through the same things and can relate to so many issues. You know what going through a deployment and being apart from your spouse is like. You know what moving every few years is really like, and having to start over somewhere new. You get one another, whether you are a new spouse or been living the military life for 20 years.

5. Strengthening our marriage

Our marriage has become stronger through our deployments and time as a military family. Even though each deployment was so difficult, we got through them, and our marriage grew in some way through each one of them. You learn different ways to communicate and how to be a couple when you can’t see one another every day.

While deployments can bring about so much stress on a marriage, they don’t have to break a marriage either. Going through a deployment is a lot of hard work, but just because you are married to someone in the military, it doesn’t mean your marriage will be doomed.

6. Helping other spouses through deployments

Over the years I have also been able to help other military spouses through deployments. I have been there, I get it. I know what it is like to have to figure out how to be both mom and dad with my kids. I understand how lonely those nights can be or has scary things can get when you know your spouse is working in a dangerous place. I am glad that the past experiences that I struggled through can help others in the future.

7. Homecomings

That first kiss after months and months apart is one of the best things about this life. Homecomings make you feel like you are dating again. You are nervous, you have butterflies in your stomach, and you can’t wait to get your hands on your spouse once again.

Once they leave for a deployment, the countdown to homecoming begins, and you know that all you have to do to make it through is get through the days until that happens. As the date gets closer, you can pick out your cute outfit, make your homecoming signs, and get more and more excited as the day gets closer.

9 Things to Love About Military Life

8. Battle Buddies

Beyond making friends, another thing to love about military life is your battle buddies, the best friends you make along the way, the ones that become family. These people are the ones you spend holidays with, that you trade babysitting with, and share your deepest secrets and fears. Without these friends, military life would be that much more difficult.

When you go through a situation with someone else, you bond in ways you wouldn’t do otherwise. You become closer because you have to. You help one another out in ways you would never have had to if your spouse never left. Military friendship can be so strong and unique sometimes.

9. Independence

Over the years I have been forced to become more independent. Whether it was because I had to handle a hospital visit by myself, a PCS to Germany with an 18 months old, or just had to figure out how to run the house 100% by myself because there was no way my husband could do so. There are so many times we military spouses have to do things by ourselves, but in the end, those things make us more independent.

Sometimes finding the good in military life can be difficult. We can get so hung up on the hardships of this life. But sometimes taking a step back and remembering what we love about military life can help brighten our mood and get us out of our funk. There are truly things to love about military life and remembering them is important.

What do you love about military life?