Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

military life

When Their Job Comes First

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The Military Has to Come First

We hear so often not to put your job before family. We hear so often that you should find a family-friendly workplace. We hear so often that these things are important, and they are, they really are.

But…

For the military spouse, married to a service member, their job has to come first. Sometimes at the worst time. Sometimes at the time you really need them.

The truth of the military is that the Army, or the Navy, or the Marine Corps, or whatever the branch has to come first.

The truth is, the military shakes up your life when you don’t want anything to do with the military at that moment.

When Their Job Comes First

The truth is, your spouse might have to go, go overseas, fight in a war, and they will have to go.

No matter how much they love you.

No matter how much they want to stay.

No matter how many other times they have had to be away.

When you married your service member, you knew they would be gone, you knew they wouldn’t always be with you. But the reality that the military does come first isn’t always easy to take.

Sometimes a deployment will come, right after a child get diagnosed with autism.

Sometimes a deployment will come, right after a miscarriage or other loss.

Sometimes a deployment will come right when a spouse is trying to heal from something that they feel they need their spouse there for.

Sometimes the timing just isn’t right, but there isn’t a lot you can do about that. The job has to come first.

There are times when things can be changed. There are compassionate reassignments. Commands can hold people back for a few months from a deployment. They can send them home early in some circumstances. But none of that is promised. None of that is 100%.

And trying to come to terms with everything isn’t easy. Trying to be “okay” with the military coming first isn’t easy. Figuring out ways to get through these difficult times isn’t easy.

Here are a few things you can do to help when you know the job has to come first.

Find a good support system

Basically, find your people. Both online and IRL. Find people who support you, and love you. They will be the ones to help you through.

Remember why they joined

When you are feeling really down about everything military related, remember why they joined the military in the first place. Remember why they enlisted. Thinking about all of that can put things in perspective.

Make a detailed plan

You might be going through something you need your spouse there for, but the military has to come first. So, what will you do about it? Who will you go to instead? You will need to come up with a plan.

Figure out what will make things easier for you. That could be hiring a babysitter once a week, starting a new workout plan, or creating a list of services you can call when the need arises.

Since we are all different people, our lists might not look the same, but making a good list of how you will get through this time is important.

Remember, even though the job or the mission has to come first, there are also periods of time when the family does. Maybe this is block leave after a deployment, or having your soldier stay home a few extra weeks to be there for the birth of your baby.

There are times when they will be home early and have days off. Remembering these moments isn’t always easy, especially when you are not currently living them but, they will come again, I promise.

What is the best way to handle the disappointment of when the job has to come first? What do you do to help you through?

4 Things to Do When the Military Cancels Your Plans

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You don’t have to be a military spouse for too long to have had the military cancel your plans. Whether it is something small, like a date you had planned, or an appointment you needed them to be with you at, to bigger things such as a deployment changing its dates, or a move being delayed longer than you would like.

Over the years I have had to cancel so many things because of the military. This was even more true when my children were younger. I would have everything lined up, and boom, it all had to change.

So what do you do if the military cancels your plans? Tell the military they can’t do that? Oh, how I wish that was the answer…:) But really, what can you do? Here are a few ideas!

1) Journal it out. The military canceling plans is a big reason I think journaling is so important. Get your journal out and write about how frustrated you are. Write it all out. That will make you feel much better, I promise. And if you are looking for a journal, I have a few in my new SWCL shop!

2) Call a friend who gets it. This might be another military spouse who can understand your frustration or a nonmilitary spouse friend who has experienced something similar. Disappointment sucks, so find a friend who gets how frustrating this can be and someone you feel comfortable venting to. They might even be able to help you with #3.

3) Make a plan. This will be based on what the canceled activity or event is. Sometimes when the military changes things we have to restructure everything, other times we just have to make a few calls to make it work. But you will need to make a plan. Once you do, you will see that things are not as bad as they seem.

4) Reschedule, if you can. In some cases, you can reschedule whatever was canceled. Although you might have to wait a bit to do so. If you had to cancel a trip, think about when you could reschedule it. If you had to cancel an appointment, see when their next available one is. Try to remind yourself that you will get to do the thing you want to do, even if it is later than you thought it would be. Our June 2020 vacation was canceled because of military duties, but we took the trip in March of 2021 and had a great time.

I hate it when the military cancels our plans, even worse when there doesn’t seem to be any reason for it. A date change, an orders change, or any other change is enough to drive me crazy. I know I am not supposed to write my plans in pen, but I really can’t help it sometimes.

In military life, you have to always hope for the best, plan for the worst, and that isn’t always easy to do. I still struggle in how to balance planning a trip or other event with the fact that at anytime the military could cancel our plans. But, these tips really help me get to a better place, and to be able to have a more balanced life.

What are your best tips for dealing with when the military cancels your plans???

How to Survive a Deployment Right After Moving Overseas

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When Your Spouse Deploys Right After An Overseas PCS

Okay, I hear the panic in your voice. You just moved across the world to an overseas location, maybe Germany, or Japan, or Guam, or somewhere you have never been before, and you don’t know a soul. And to add to that, your spouse deployed soon after. Before you even finished unpacking.

I have been there myself. I moved to Germany with my 18-month-old to join my husband, only to get pregnant and have him deploy for over a year just a few months later. We were still settling in when he left.

When Your Spouse Deploys Right After an Overseas PCS

You just want to cry all day long. You just want to fast-forward time. You just want to get through the months apart, but how are you going to do that?

All your friends are half a world away. You don’t even know what to do for fun in your new home. What in the world to do?

Take a Deep Breath: You Are Not the Only One

First of all, take a deep breath. Remember, you are not the only military spouse who feels this way. So now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s commit to turning this deployment from a survival exercise to a thriving exercise.

Is it going to be easy? No! Are you going to break down sometimes? Yes. But there are things you can do to get through this season of deployment.

When Deployment Starts Right After an Overseas Move

Moving overseas and then saying goodbye to your spouse soon after can feel like too much all at once. You are still learning where the grocery store is, how your new community works, and what life looks like in a place that does not feel like home yet.

  • Start small. You do not have to figure out your whole overseas life in one week.
  • Make a plan. A calendar, a few goals, and things to look forward to can help the days feel less endless.
  • Find your people. Look for spouse groups, local events, neighbors, book clubs, playgroups, or anyone who helps you feel less alone.
  • Explore one step at a time. A short walk, a new café, a USO event, or a photo walk can help your new home feel less overwhelming.

Start With a Simple Deployment Plan

Next, I want you to buy a monthly calendar. I also want you to grab a journal, a pen, and a hot cup of coffee or tea and sit down at your dining room table.

Okay, once you have done that, I want you to take your journal and make a list of all the things you have ever wanted to do, learn, or start. Maybe you wanted to learn how to edit videos and start a YouTube channel. Maybe you wanted to start running. Maybe you want to get back into reading?

Fill Your Calendar With Things to Look Forward To

After you have made your to-do list, you need to start planning. Take out your phone, head to Facebook, and look up events in your area. Join a group for your duty station. Join a group for your new country. And fill up that calendar.

If you like to read, put book releases on there. If you love movies, put those too. Add when your favorite TV shows are coming out. The goal? Have something to look forward to each and every day.

“You can miss your spouse and still build a life in your new home.”

Find Friends at Your New Overseas Duty Station

Now, it’s time to find some friends. You are going to want to go to things that interest you. See what groups they have locally that you can join. That’s where you will start.

You also have neighbors; smile and say hello when you see them. Make conversation.

So now you should have a deployment to-do list, things on your calendar, and a plan for making friends. Now, you need to fill in the gaps.

Explore Your New Home One Small Step at a Time

If you are still looking for things to do, here are some more ideas:

Take a walk around your new duty station, or the areas surrounding it. Go on a photo walk. Try a new food. Sign up for a USO trip or an event. Just go and do one thing a day.

You Can Miss Your Spouse and Still Build a Life Overseas

The truth about deployments is you will miss your spouse, but with a little bit of planning you can find your way through. While you might be tempted to crawl into bed and stay there for months on end, you know that is not the best way through.

Each military spouse has to find what works for them. Whether you work outside the house or are an SAHM. Whether you have a lot going on, or you need to fill up your calendar. Find what works for you and use this time of deployment to grow as a person, work on projects you may not have had time for before, and make some memories for yourself. You will be glad you did.

Frequently Asked Questions About Deployment After an Overseas PCS

What should I do if my spouse deploys right after we move overseas?

Start by giving yourself time to adjust. Then make a simple plan for your deployment season: fill your calendar, find local groups or events, explore your new area slowly, and look for other military spouses who understand what you are going through.

How can I make friends at a new overseas duty station?

Look for duty station Facebook groups, spouse groups, book clubs, playgroups, USO events, local classes, and neighborhood opportunities. You do not have to meet everyone at once. Even one good connection can make deployment feel less lonely.

How can I stay busy during deployment overseas?

Create a deployment bucket list, plan small outings, start a hobby, read more, take walks, explore your new community, sign up for local events, and give yourself something to look forward to each week.

Is it normal to feel overwhelmed after moving overseas as a military spouse?

Yes. Moving overseas is a major transition, and deployment can make that transition feel even harder. Feeling lonely, overwhelmed, or unsure of what to do next does not mean you are failing. It means you are adjusting to a lot at once.

What Military Spouses Want Their Civilian Friends to Know

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What Military Spouses Want Their Civilian Friends to Know

I saw them every day. I went to school with them. Military kids.

I remember driving on base to pick up a friend. I think the gate guards had to call her house to get their okay to let us in. This was pre-9/11 of course.

I remember hearing about how my friend’s dad always had to be away. I didn’t understand what that would be like. My dad was always home.

I remember my co-worker, sending letters to her military husband she had married over leave. How did she do that? How did she have a husband who lived half a world away? I remember her, “Half my heart is in Afghanistan” sticker on her car.

I was complaining to my mom about having to move yet again in my college years. She told me to think of all those military wives that had to pack up their children and keep moving every few years.

And then, in 2005…I became a part of this world. This military lifestyle that I had only seen glimpses of in my civilian years. A life that I didn’t even really know much about, even if I had seen a few war movies. A life that has surprised me in many different ways.

Now I am on the other side. There are so many things I want my non-military spouse friends to know. I want them to understand how things can be for us and what living as a military spouse is all about.

We know we are not the only ones who miss our spouses

As much as we miss our spouses, as much as how that part of military life is hard for us, we are aware that other spouses go through separations too. We know about truck drivers and police officers and firefighters and surgeons and contractors.

We know we are not the only ones missing the ones that we love. We might not be in a good place to hear about how badly someone is missing a spouse who is only gone for a week but even then, we can understand that when you are not used to being apart, it can be difficult. Talking about our military life struggles doesn’t mean we think we are the only ones going through this type of hardship.

We remember our pre-military spouse years

Unless you became a military spouse the day you got married, you will have lived as a civilian before military life started. You remember what it is like. You can compare the before and after.

People have said that military spouse life is the same as any other. I call BS on this. I remember what it was like before the Army.

These days, my life looks different than it did pre-Army, but also different than it did when my husband was active duty. There is a big difference between the two. It isn’t that one type of life is better than any other, but they are different, and saying they are the same does a disservice to both types of lifestyles.

Our marriages are not doomed

It’s way too easy to look at the hardships that military families go through and think that all of our marriages are doomed. This is not true. Sometimes the hardships make for stronger marriages.

Sometimes life outside the military is a reason couples break up. Sometimes people change. Sometimes this is because of the military.

We get jealous

It’s true. I am not going to lie. I have been jealous of non-military families. Of not having to send anyone to war. Of not having friends move away all the time.

I think this is natural. It’s what you do with your jealousy that matters. I can choose to be bitter about it, or I can try to work through it and not let it run my life.

Army wives is not reality

So many people ask if Army Wives the tv show is just like our life. No. It’s a TV show.

There are some truths to the show. There are some realities they got right but for the most part, especially after the first season, things do not seem like real life to me.

We are a diverse bunch

There are so many diverse military families and so many types of people who make up the military world. Some are pretty conservative, some are pretty liberal. Some are from a small town, some are from a big city.

Some have a lot of children, some have no children with no plans to add any in the future. The military world is such a mix of different people. There is not just one way to be a military spouse.

We will miss this life when it is over, even if we couldn’t wait to be civilians again

When it comes to getting out of the military, some of us are really excited about that. However, that doesn’t mean getting out is going to be easy.

We will miss parts of military life. We will sometimes wish we never had to leave. The post ETSing process can be very emotional.

We know you can’t fully understand and that is okay

We know that no matter how many times we explain our lives, or how many blog posts we write, you will never fully understand. And that is okay.

We can’t expect you to, just like we can’t totally understand any of the struggles you are going through that we haven’t experienced. That is life. And that’s okay.

We are thankful

When we know our civilian friends support us, we are thankful. We are thankful for any messages they give. We know they are looking at our lives from the outside but we are so thankful when we know people care and acknowledge what we are going through.

Even if we do get frustrated by certain comments, we know deep down they come from a place of thankfulness and we really appreciate that.

What would you add to this list? What do you want your civilian friends to know about military life?

No, The Military Isn’t The Same As Any Other Job; It’s a Unique Way of Life

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Military Life Is Not Like Any Other Job

11 months. That’s how long I have gone without seeing my husband because of his job as an Infantry soldier.

15 months. That’s the longest he has lived away from us because of his job as an Infantry soldier.

5 months. That was the length of his shortest deployment because of his job as an Infantry soldier.

When someone joins the military, everything changes. Their families have to adapt to their new career path. When someone joins the military, what used to apply no longer does, and there is a huge learning curve.

No, the military isn’t the same as any other job.

That does not mean other jobs are easy or that other families do not make sacrifices, but military life comes with a level of uncertainty, separation, and obligation that affects the entire family.

I will be honest, when I hear people say that the military is just like any other job, I just don’t understand it. They must have had a very different type of military spouse experience than I did.

My husband and I have lived many different seasons of life. Some of it as a civilian family, some as an active duty family, some as a national guard family, and some as a retiree family. And I can tell you that those military years were completely different than our non-military years. So much so that during those years, I created a whole blog about it 🙂

When the Mission Comes First

As a military spouse, we are not guaranteed that our spouse will be there for the birth of every child. Most commands do try to make it happen, but at the end of the day, the mission comes first.

As military spouses, we have to change our mindset when our spouse joins the military. We have to understand how important their job is. We have to understand that their job will come first, even in cases where the job wouldn’t if they were working a different type of job.

No, The Military Isn't The Same As Any Other Job; It's a Unique Way of Life

Orders Can Change Everything

As a military spouse, we move when they get new orders. We might leave our friends, we might leave our jobs, we might leave the only home we have ever really known. And we might not be ready to move on.

As military spouses, we often have to adjust our expectations and accept that the mission may come before family plans. It doesn’t matter if our child is graduating from high school or our brother is getting married; the mission comes first.

This does not mean we have to forgo everything, but sometimes, we don’t get to do what we otherwise would be able to do if our spouse was not in the military.

Making Plans Can Be Hard in Military Life

Over the years, you will get used to some of this, and at the same time, still get frustrated by it. You might need to vent to a friend when you find out your husband is deploying three months before your planned trip to Walt Disney World. You might get angry when you have to reschedule your anniversary trip for the fourth time because of a training schedule. You might break down in tears when you find out that your spouse will miss your son’s first birthday, just like he missed the 1st birthdays of your other three children.

There are rules, regulations, and ways of doing things that don’t always make logical sense. You will have trouble making plans because things change all the time.

No, The Military Isn't The Same As Any Other Job

Military Life Affects the Whole Family

Your children will have to say goodbye to one of the parents more often than other kids. They will listen to their mom or dad read them bedtime stories on a video. They will work with you to send care packages to far-away lands that most have only heard about on the news.

We create support groups both locally and online to help us spouses through the stresses of this life. From moving to deployments to general military life frustrations. We find friends to help us through, friends who become family.

Why Military Spouses Need Community

Serving in the military is a sacrifice. Doing so is giving up freedoms that other Americans don’t for the sake of our country. Being a military spouse is supporting those who serve in a very personal way. But because we do, our lives are changed forever.

And through the struggles we endure, we become stronger. We, seasoned spouses, can reach out to the new spouse and help them through what they are dealing with. We can figure out ways to endure through our more challenging days. We work hard to be strong, even if we don’t always feel like we are.

Military Life Changes You

At the end of the day, we look at our service member and know how important their job is. Whether they are deploying to Iraq or going down to Florida to help with hurricane relief. Whether they are preparing to train all summer long or moving with your family from your hometown in Ohio to a new home in South Korea. Whether they serve five years or retire after 30.

No, the military isn’t the same as any other job.

Dealing With Disappointment During Military Life

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Have you ever planned a vacation only to have to cancel or reschedule it because military dates changed?

Have you ever given birth when your husband was deployed because they simply wouldn’t send him home like you thought they might?

Have you ever wanted to be stationed close to home only for your spouse to get orders clear across the country?

Most military spouses have been through one or all of these disappointments not to mention others that can happen when you are a military spouse. Dates change, your spouse can’t always be around when you need them, and you don’t always get a choice in where you are going to live.

What can you do when disappointment hits? How can you turn things around to get to a better place? 

Shock

When met with disappointing news, you will probably be in shock. They say to “hope for the best, plan for the worst” and we know things might not work out the way we want them to, but we still hope that they do. And then when they don’t? We can’t believe we are hearing that news.

If you feel shocked when you realize things are not going to be the way you want them to be, you are not alone. It’s normal to feel this way at first. You had the hope of a better outcome, and now you have to start to accept your new reality, and that isn’t always easy to do.

Dealing With Disappointment During Military Life

Sadness

After shock comes the sadness. You are going to have to move to Alaska even though your family lives in FL. Your husband is going to deploy right before your 30th birthday. Your family trip to Walt Disney World will have to be postponed by six months.

You might need to take a moment to cry into your pillow. You are allowed to be sad about this; you are allowed to have those emotions. Let things out, call a friend and vent, have a good cry, and then move on to planning.

Planning

Every time I get some disappointing news because of my husband’s job, I eventually find myself coming up with a plan. I know that I will need to be creative to move forward. I will need to figure out a way to get through whatever it is I am dealing with.

If it is a matter of an unexpected deployment, I try to figure out what I can do during that deployment to stay as busy as I can, I think about how the deployment pay can help us, and I think about extra things I can do that I might not have time for if he wasn’t going to be deployed.

Being able to have a plan to deal with the disappointment will go a very long way in finding relief.

Dealing With Disappointment During Military Life

Relief

Relief happens when you get to a place where you feel like you can figure out a way forward. It might not always be easy, you might not always be happy about what happened, but you can figure out how to get through it.

If you assumed your husband would be at the birth of your first child and they are not, you are going to go through a wave of emotions about it. You will eventually figure out who you want with you because he can’t be. And then you will start to accept that this has to be your new normal. And with that comes the relief that you can, in fact, give birth without your husband. 

You Got This

Remember, you got this. Reach out to your friends, make plans, and figure out how to deal with disappointment in your military life.

Disappointments will happen in military life. They say to write all plans in pencil because all plans can change, no matter how close you are to the date they are supposed to happen. We as military spouse want to support our service members and getting to a place where we can move forward is a good way to do so.

What do you do to get over disappointment during military life?

When Your Spouse Wants To Re-Enlist in the Military and You Don’t Want Them To

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It’s almost time for your spouse to re-enlist, decisions have to be made, and you feel like it is time to walk away from military life. However, your spouse does not agree and would love to do 20+ years in the military.

What should you do?

What can you do?

Is it even fair to them to say you don’t want them to re-enlist?

Breathe

First of all, take a breath. This is a big decision and not a simple one, and while this is your spouse’s career, you both need to be involved in planning your joint future. What you decide will affect you the spouse, and your children or any future children you might have. The decision to re-enlist in the military shouldn’t be taken lightly.

Ask yourself why

Ask yourself why you don’t want them to re-enlist. Break it down. Is it the solo parenting? Is it the up and downs of military life? Is it because you want to focus on your career and that is hard to do so with a spouse in the military?

Figuring out why you don’t want them to re-enlist is important. Make sure to talk this all over with your spouse. Let them know what you are afraid of. Let them know why you want to walk away.

Can you compromise? 

Can they re-enlist for three more years with the plan to re-evaluate at that time? No one signs up for 20 years at a time. Can you make a plan that he will serve for a certain amount of time, and then you will go back to school? Can you agree to try to be stationed close to home if possible?

Sometimes you have to suck it up

At the end of the day, sometimes you just have to suck it up. What people in this type of situation do is going to be different for each couple, for each person. There are different reasons why people want to walk away from military life, and only the couple can decide if they are worth giving up a military dream.

For some couples, this means the spouse will have to work out how they will handle more years of military life. For others, it means the service member will need to find another way to pursue their career goals. There isn’t one hard and fast rule for every couple.

If you find that you and your spouse are arguing about this and can’t seem to come to a good conclusion, it can be a good idea to seek extra help. Any marriage is going to have times when a decision has to be made about the future, and the couple isn’t always going to agree right away. Communication is so very important here, as well as keeping everyone’s feelings and desires in mind.

What To Do When Your Spouse Wants To Re-Enlist And You Don't Want Them To

There are situations when a couple can not agree on this, and sometimes a marriage will end over it. Other times, there will be a lot of hurt and frustration on both sides. A service member who doesn’t feel supported by their spouse, a military spouse that doesn’t feel like their spouse understands why they can’t do this anymore. Those situations can be so difficult and are never easy to navigate.

While I can’t tell you what to do in your own marriage, I can help with dealing with the frustrations of military life. Life as a military spouse isn’t easy, and you have to work hard to figure out ways to make it through.

This doesn’t make you weak but allows you to be strong.

What has worked for you when you have felt like you just wanted your spouse to get out of the military? What are your best tips for someone who is dealing with all of this?

To The Military Spouse That Is Having A Bad Day

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To The Military Spouse That Is Having A Bad Day

Some days are better than others. This is true for everyone. Whether you are married to a member of the military, married to a teacher, married to a CEO, or married to a truck driver. This is true even if you are not married at all. Having bad days is a part of life.

Over the years I have had bad days because of deployments and bad days when my husband has been home. I have had bad days right after a PCS and bad days when we have been living in the same place for three years. I have had bad days when I didn’t have anyone to talk with and bad days when I have been surrounded by good friends.

So to you military spouse who is having a bad day, know that not all days will feel this way.

If your husband just deployed, know that your bad days will get better and that you will find the tools will get you through the rest of the deployment.

What do you do when you are having a bad day? How do you get to a better place?

If you are missing your best friend who just moved away, know that you can still be best friends and that you will make new friends in the future.

If your kids are not listening and you are about to lose your mind if you have to spend one more day solo parenting, know that kids grow out of their annoying stages and you move on. You find new tools to keep in your parenting toolkit. And that you won’t always have to be a solo parent.

If you are having a bad day because you just lost your job, a job you loved, know that there will be more jobs to love in the future. You won’t always be out of work. Keep on trying, and you will find a job you love again in the future.

If your paycheck isn’t reaching as far lately, if the extras that come from life are getting to you, know that you can figure out a way out of this situation. Go back to your budget and see what you can do to make your bank account happy again.

If you want to find a new career path and you feel like you have nothing to give, you do. Take a step back and think of all the skills you have, redo your resume, and start applying for jobs.

What do you do when you are having a bad day? How do you get to a better place?

If you feel lost and scared because your husband just got orders overseas, to a place that scares you, know that you will get through that deployment just like you got through the rest of them.

If you are upset because you were hoping for orders to the duty station 20 minutes from your childhood home, and you get them for a place across the country, know that your experiences there can still be good ones. Plus, moving there will give your family a chance to visit you in a completely different place.

Whatever it is you are dealing with, whatever is making you have a bad day, know that this too shall pass.

Life is all about change. Jobs change, friends change, and children change. Look and see what you can do to make life better and let the rest of it go.

As military spouses, we don’t have control over deployments, or where we will live, or what life will bring us. We do have control over how we handle deployments, what we do in our communities, and how we handle the bad as well as the good days.

So to the military spouse who is having a bad day, I get it. I have plenty of bad days myself. This week has been full of them. But I have to remind myself that tomorrow is another day, that things will change, and that overall things are pretty amazing.

Taking a step back to look at what you have instead of what you don’t can help with your mood. Remember years past when things didn’t seem so great but then ended up working out in the end. And be a person others can go to when they are not having the best of days themselves.

What do you do when you are having a bad day? How do you get to a better place?