Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Military Spouse Friendships

5 Truths About Finding Community When You Feel Alone

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5 Truths About Finding Community When You Feel Alone

Moving every few years means you have to find a new friend base every few years, which can be complicated. You can and should keep in touch with friends across the miles. These friends might live in your phone the rest of your life, but those relationships are important. However, finding your people where you live is important too.

But getting out there, getting rejected, or feeling like you might be alone can make finding friends more difficult. The truth is, finding your people isn’t always easy. Sometimes, it can take a lot of time and work, and that can be emotionally exhausting.

Here are some truths about finding community when you do feel alone:

It won’t look the same every time

At some duty stations, you might find your people right away. Only to move and have it take forever to do the same somewhere else. This is just how life works. Don’t give up hope if it is harder than it used to be. Your people are still out there.

You’re allowed to grieve your last community

Leaving a community you love is disappointing, and it’s okay to grieve that. You don’t want to let it keep you from trying in your new home, but it is okay to be sad about having to move away from it.

You might have to make the first move

I know, I know. This is the hard part. But you might have to make the first move with a potential new friendship. You may need to reach out and ask if you want to meet for coffee, a playdate, or even a night out without the kids. This can be hard to do, but it can also be the opening to a wonderful friendship.

Friendships for a season

Some friendships might be for a season. What happens if you meet someone with only a few months left at your new duty station? They can still be worth friending even if you won’t live in the same place for long. Making friends can lead to other friends and connections. And even just a few months is enough time to make fun memories.

People are always coming and going in the military community, so don’t shy away from meeting people who might not physically be around for long. You can still keep in touch, and you might be surprised by how your friendship can develop, even across the miles.

You are worthy of friendship, no matter who you are

You are worthy of finding friends, your people, and your community. You won’t always connect with everyone, and that’s okay. You may have to put yourself out there more than you want to, but finding those people can all be worth it.

Military life is hard, and being able to do it with people by your side makes it all so much easier. Even if it doesn’t look how you want it to look for a season. Remember, things change, and you never know what the next day, week, month, or year might bring.

5 Truths About Finding Community When You Feel Alone

The Six Degrees of Separation of Military Spouse Friendships

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The Six Degrees of Separation of Military Spouse Friendships

A friend and I were talking the other day about how we had met through a mutual friend and how there does seem to be six degrees of separation of military spouse friendships within the military community. When you meet someone new, they might also know someone you know.

There have been so many times when this has happened to me. I meet new people, we add each other on Facebook, and I learn they are friends with someone I already know.

A friend from Germany might be stationed near a friend I met through blogging.

A former neighbor of mine might end up becoming a new neighbor of someone else I have met during my time as a military spouse.

I can meet someone who just moved here, and it turns out they are good friends with a girl I knew from MOPS, who moved away from here years ago.

They say the military is a small world, and each branch is even smaller. Add online connections and a lot of us military spouses know one another or know each other’s friends. And this…can be a good thing.

Knowing that someone has a mutual friend can allow us to be a little bolder in pursuing a new friendship. If a friend of ours gets along with them, we might get along with them too. And that can help all of us when it comes to making new friends.

As military spouses, we don’t all have the luxury of staying in the same place for most of our military life years. Either we are moving, or our friends are, or both. As you think about your current circle of friends, you know that three years from now, things will not look the same. They might not even be the same a year from now.

As much as we know this is all a part of military spouse life, saying goodbye to a good friend is never going to be easy. In some cases, saying goodbye to a good friend will break our hearts, and no amount of preparing for that will help.

I am thankful that we do live in a time of social media despite its downfalls. Not only can I keep in touch with my family, but I can stay in the lives of the many friends I have made during my time as a military spouse.

Things won’t be the same after you say goodbye to someone. That is life. Even if you can see one another again, and I hope that you can, life just goes on, and things change.

As much as I want to stop time when it comes to my friendships, I know that isn’t possible. I mourn the time we no longer spend together, and I cherish every memory we have ever had. Still, I know that the best thing I can do is move forward and be open to new friendships, whereever they might be.

And knowing that so many of the people I meet today have some sort of connection to someone I already know is comforting. That allows this introvert to open up a little more, and learn more about the new people I meet in my life.

If you are a new military spouse, you might think this couldn’t possibly happen to you. Everyone you meet is completely new to you, and you have no connection to them in any way. But give it time.

As the years go on, you will meet more people. And as you PCS from one place to the next, your social network will grow. You will find your military world a little more friendly, comfortable, and easier to navigate.

Have you ever made friends simply because they were connected to someone you already know? Tell me your story!

5 Myths About Military Spouse Friendships

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5 Myths About Military Spouse Friendships

Over the years I have heard from military spouses that they are either afraid to make friends with other military spouses, because of how they assume they will be treated, or have even tried to do so and not been successful at it. That they can’t seem to find their people, or that they keep running into others that don’t seem very friendly or welcoming at all.

This sucks.

I strongly believe that you need friends to get through this military lifestyle. But I also know that it isn’t always easy to do. I know that not everyone is friendly and that finding people to connect with can be frustrating.

And maybe part of it is believing things that simply are not true? Maybe part of it is assuming things that are not true about military friendships in general?

While I do think it is possible for someone to find themselves in a place where it seems that there are no friendly people around them, I also know that there are so many of us military spouses out there that are friendly, want to connect and are not the type to insult someone they just met. Trust me. 

Maybe you won’t agree with me, maybe your experiences are very different than mine, but here are 5 myths about military friendship that simply are not true that we need to let go of to find friendship in the military community:

The Myth: Spouses are overly concerned about rank.

The Truth: Very few military spouses care what rank your spouse is.

If there is a hesitation, it is usually in good faith, when a spouse worries about being able to include you in everything. For example, if you are the wife of a higher ranking soldier, can you invite your friend, and her entire family to your son’s birthday party at your home? These kinds of situations can be a bit sticky if both of the soldiers are in the same unit.

But in the end, it doesn’t matter who your friends are, or what rank their spouse is. You friend people who you get along with and if someone does want to give you the stink eye because of it? Well, they probably wouldn’t be a good friend anyway.

5 Myths About Military Spouse Friendships

The Myth: It’s not worth friending someone who is going to be PCSing again soon.

The Truth: It is worth it, and can lead to life-long friendships.

While it is so nice to make friends that will live near you for years and years, if you meet the right person, don’t be scared off because they have a PCS date. There are ways to stay connected over the miles if both of you are willing to do so. And you never know when you might end up at the same duty station again in the future.

The Myth: You have to make friends with people your own age.

The Truth: You can form friendships with people who are older and younger than you are.

While it is always nice to have friends around your age, befriending people who are younger or older than you are can be a good thing. You can always learn from someone who is in a different stage of life that you are in.

Don’t get stuck on the actual age of a potential friend. If you are able to connect with them, do so. You will be better for it.

The Myth: If you don’t have kids, you won’t make friends, because everyone in the military community has kids.

The Truth: Not everyone in the military community has kids.

While there are a ton of families with kids in the military community, not everyone has them. Some couples choose to stay childless, others are waiting for a few years to start having children. Some are struggling with infertility, and others have adult children no longer in the home.

There are so many different people in the military community in all different stages of life. Don’t give up on finding friends because you assume everyone is a certain way because that simply isn’t true.

5 Myths About Military Spouse Friendships

The Myth: You won’t find anyone you can click with.

The Truth: It can take time, but you can find your people.

Finding people you click with won’t always be easy, and sometimes finding new friends can seem near impossible. But, you will be able to find your people if you keep putting yourself out there. Keep trying, be friendly, and use online resources if you need to.

I know being shy can be hard. To walk into a room full of people you don’t know and introduce yourself can be way too scary, but you can find ways to meet others that are comfortable for you.

Here are some ideas on how to work to make friends, and to find your people:

Finding Meaningful Friendships In Military Spouse Life

The Military Spouse’s Guide to Making Friends in a Social Media World

10 Of The Best Places To Make Friends When You Are A Military Spouse

And make sure to join my blog’s Facebook group. Filled with military spouses of every branch, stationed throughout the US and OCONUS locations.

While everyone’s friendship journey is a little different, try to remember the friends you have met in the past. How did you guys connect? What bonded you?

Make sure you are putting yourself out there, and don’t give up. You can find your people.