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Finding Friends as a Military Spouse Is Still Really Important

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Finding Friends as a Military Spouse Is Still Really Important

One piece of advice I have given to military spouses time and time again is to find friends, or find your people. Why? Because I think it is so important.

Why Making Friends in Military Life Matters

Making friends in military life matters, even when it’s hard.

And sometimes I know it can be really hard.

It isn’t always easy to be the new person, even in a place with a lot of new people. It isn’t always easy to find the right people. And honestly, some people aren’t very nice. Just check out any military spouse Facebook group to confirm that.

People can be untrustworthy, flaky, or just downright rude. But that doesn’t mean you should stop trying to find your people.

You see, when you have friends, life is much easier, no matter what you are going through. As military spouses, we go through a lot of difficult things. It only makes sense that friends make it easier.

Why Military Spouses Sometimes Give Up on Friendship

Whether it is a bad experience in the past, heartbreaking situations, or just feeling alone even in a room full of people, it can be hard to make finding friends a priority.

Anytime the subject of friends comes up, I hear some people say it just isn’t worth it. That there are too many untrustworthy people out there. That too many people are just looking out for themselves, and it just hurts too much to pursue any type of friendship.

And all of those feelings are valid. It can be scary putting yourself out there.

Closing Yourself Off Can Make Military Life Harder

If you close yourself off from others, you will miss out on community. You will miss out on the potential for close relationships. You will miss out on making memories that will last forever.

I can’t say that I keep in touch with everyone I have ever befriended during my time as a military spouse. That’s just not possible; however, I always have those memories to keep with me in my heart.

From the group of us spouses that met up every Monday at a coffee shop during a deployment, to playdates and playgroups and MOPS meetings when my kids were a lot younger. All of those memories are such a balm to the soul. And they wouldn’t have been possible if I had closed myself off and refused to take that step to meet new people.

“One bad friendship doesn’t mean you should stop looking for your people.”

One Bad Friendship Doesn’t Have to Define Your Future

There have been times during military life when I realized a “friend” really wasn’t. And that stings. I have shed plenty of tears over it.

But, as much as the idea of sitting it out, sticking to my own family, and not even putting a foot in the friendship pool can be appealing. It’s not a long-term solution.

Time goes on, and there are other opportunities and other people to connect with. There is more than one type of person in this world, and taking a chance on meeting someone new can be worth it.

A Reminder About Military Spouse Friendships

Finding your people in military life can take time. One bad experience, one awkward event, or one disappointing friendship does not mean you should close yourself off forever.

  • You are allowed to be careful. Not every person deserves full access to your life right away.
  • You are allowed to try again. A hard friendship experience does not mean every future connection will hurt you.
  • Community matters. Even small connections can make a new duty station or deployment season feel less lonely.
  • Your people are worth looking for. The right friends can help you through the hard parts of military life and make the good parts even better.

Not Every Connection Has to Become a Best Friend

The reality is, not everyone you meet is going to become a best friend or even a friend at all. Some people will just be a part of your community.

Maybe it’s another mother at soccer practice you chat with every Monday and Wednesday. Maybe it’s the cashier at the Commissary, the one you always tend to get who loves to ask you about your day. Maybe it’s a neighbor you always wave to in the morning when you take your dog for a walk.

The truth is, not everyone is best friend material. And that’s okay. Sometimes it is just those little interactions with random people throughout your week that can make a difference.

Keep Looking for the People Who Make Military Life Better

Every military spouse has a choice to make. To be a kind person. To be a part of the community. To move on from the past and work through what is making friendships hard.

But let me tell you, being able to find your people will be worth it. People you can not only spend time with but people you can depend on, through the good stuff and the hard stuff.

So if you are feeling like life would be better if you stick to yourself. If you never want to try, I urge you to rethink that. No, don’t put yourself in a toxic situation, but remember that there is almost always someone new to meet, especially on a military post. There is always something you can join or be a part of.

Anywhere you go in life, you will find good people and not-so-good people. This is true in military and civilian communities.

However, you don’t want to let those not-so-good people cause you to never try to find the people who will enhance your life and help you through the challenges of military life.

Frequently Asked Questions About Military Spouse Friendships

Why is making friends important as a military spouse?

Making friends as a military spouse can help you feel less alone during deployments, PCS moves, parenting seasons, and other challenges of military life. Community can make a new duty station feel more manageable.

What if I had a bad military spouse friendship experience?

A bad experience can make it scary to try again, and those feelings are valid. But one painful friendship does not mean every future friendship will be the same. You can move slowly, use boundaries, and still stay open to finding good people.

Do all military spouse connections need to become close friendships?

No. Some people may become close friends, while others may simply be part of your weekly rhythm: a neighbor, another parent at practice, someone from church, or a familiar face at the commissary. Those smaller connections can still matter.

How can military spouses find their people?

Military spouses can find friends through local events, spouse groups, book clubs, playgroups, volunteering, faith communities, MWR activities, online groups, and everyday interactions with neighbors or other parents.

Military Spouse Spotlight: Learning to Love Each Duty Station

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Military Spouse Spotlight: Claire

If you’re a military spouse, you’ve probably heard the phrase “bloom where you’re planted” more times than you can count. The advice is well-meaning and helpful, but when, as Claire puts it, your roots have been ripped out again and again, how do you find the spirit within you to grow, let alone bloom? 

Claire’s husband is a Navy pediatrician and dive medicine doctor, and his training and service have taken their family of six from one coast to another and, most recently, across the Pacific to Hawaii.

Claire chronicles their travels and shares her tips and tricks through her Instagram account, Coastal.adventurefamily.

love each duty station

Starting Their Navy Medical Journey

While Claire and her husband grew up in Las Vegas near Nellis Air Force Base, they weren’t familiar with the realities of military life; for example, Claire was surprised to learn that Nellis AFB had its own movie theater. However, the couple had married “kind of young” and were about to embark on a significant change: medical school.

Claire described herself as “fiscally conservative” but her husband as “very frugal,” so he was eager to find ways to reduce or eliminate the weighty costs of medical school. While they were walking down the street together, they discussed the idea of having him join the military. One of her husband’s cousins had joined the military to pay for his medical school, and Claire thought that joining the Navy would be fun because they would be by the ocean.

Naively, she rejected the idea of the Air Force because she didn’t want to stay in Las Vegas; seeing how far the military can send her family, Claire can look back at her thought process and laugh. After praying together about the decision, they met with a recruiter, and it all felt “seamless.” In fact, there was “no doubt in my mind…we knew that’s what we were supposed to do.” 

That is not to say, however, that their military journey was not without its challenges. Claire gave birth to their first child just two weeks before her husband started medical school, their second during her husband’s OB clinical rotation, their third three weeks before her husband left for dive school, and COVID separated their family for months, and their fourth when her husband served as a dive officer before completing his residency.

The family has crisscrossed the country, accepting billets that were far from their dream locations and starting over again and again when it came to jobs and friendships. Nonetheless, Claire has found ways to thrive in each duty station and discovered new and unexpected joys in her military and personal journeys. 

The Eras of Military Life and Motherhood

Like Taylor Swift, Claire categorizes their military journey into “eras.” Reno, where her husband attended medical school, was her “motherhood” era, where she learned how to be a mom. Before her husband started medical school, Claire was an adjunct anatomy and physiology professor with aspirations to get her Master’s in Global Health at the University of Utah. Having their first child represented a major shift in her life; no longer in school or working, Claire found herself relying on her new best friend to navigate the early days of motherhood. The two later shared a middle school teaching position together before Claire shifted to working retail.

Claire found humor as she relayed what could have been the stressful circumstances of her second birth. Her husband was on his OB clinical rotation while she was in labor, and, due to unforeseen circumstances, got a little extra delivery practice. Claire had the rare opportunity to do a hospital water birth, and because the nurse didn’t believe her when she said the baby was coming, her husband unintentionally stepped in to catch their second baby. Ironically, the timing meant that he missed his OB shelf exam, but at least he got some hands-on experience instead.

Learning the Importance of Community

Her husband did his intern year at Portsmouth Naval Hospital, which Claire dubbed her era of “community.” She and her kids lived in a tight-knit neighborhood for two years where “I learned the importance of community and the beauty of friends becoming family and exploring where you live.” Their eight neighbors became their lifelines during this uniquely busy period. She loved living on the East Coast—a place she had romanticized—for the first time, and she made the most of exploring their new home. However, the rosy glow faded a little with the birth of their third child. 

Because of their newborn daughter’s medical condition and the young ages of their two older children, Claire and her husband thought it would be best if she and the kids stayed in Virginia while he rotated between Connecticut and Florida for dive school. While they would be separated for months, they took solace in knowing they would visit each other when they could. However, just a couple of months into her daughter’s life and her husband’s training, COVID took the United States by storm, and their plans of being together as a family were put on hold. The family was separated from January to July 2020, and Claire packed up and moved with her kids to San Diego without her husband. She was heartbroken to leave behind the strong support system that she had so relied on through this difficult period. 

love each duty station

Creating a Home at a New Duty Station

Looking back on this move, Claire admitted that she was sad that they didn’t get to stay in Virginia. Like so many military families, she had made a plan, she had her dreams, and she had her comfort zone, but she was unexpectedly forced to scrap it all for a place far from what she chose or wanted. They lived in military housing for the first time, and while they did make some strong friendships, they didn’t have the same instant community as Virginia.

Rather than dwelling on all that she had lost, Claire took advice from the life-changing book, This is Where You Belong: The Art and Science of Loving the Place You Live by Melody Warnick. Dubbing this her “exploring” era, Claire and her family fell in love with biking, especially to the beach. Walking and biking, Warnick advised, helps families to see their communities in a new light, and those early emotional connections are key for transient military families. 

In addition to biking, Claire and her family have discovered that finding the familiar and establishing routines that align with their family culture are key to making a new city feel like home. For example, because Claire is an avid runner, finding a 5-mile running route “helps me feel more connected to a place.” Similarly, finding parks, libraries, and grocery stores gives them a sense of normalcy and familiarity.

Creating Connection Through Faith, Routines, and Exploration

Because their family is Mormon, their temple gives them a sense of peace and the reminder that not everything around them is strange and foreign. While each church community might be a little different, the beliefs and architecture provide a sense of peace and familiarity. These discoveries won’t all happen in a day, but Claire believes that investing time in your first month to exploring will pay off in spades in the long run. 

Another way that Claire came to embrace San Diego was by making a bucket list on her Notes app. The Internet can be full of haters who can point out the worst in any city, so Claire advises that you talk to people who’ve been stationed at your new home and ask them what they love about it. The list gives you something to look forward to and accomplish, especially in those awkward first few weeks when you’re trying to make a new group of friends. Plus, talking to experienced families can help you to get the inside scoop about the best beaches, restaurants, hiking trails, and other “locals-only” places that an Internet search won’t provide. 

love each duty station

When PCS Orders Are Not What You Wanted

Claire found “solace and enjoyment in exploring for four years,” and ultimately she “loved San Diego with my whole heart and soul.” When her husband finished residency, she knew that his new role as an attending would come with another move. However, she wasn’t expecting Camp Lejeune to be their next destination.

North Carolina wasn’t even on their list of potential next duty stations, and after planning out scenarios for five likely locations, this complete surprise was especially disorienting. The only thing Claire knew about Camp Lejeune was that her husband had told her years prior that she wouldn’t like living there. Claire found herself in tears because she had “put so much of my soul into loving San Diego,” and she was forced to start over yet again.

Claire’s negative mindset began to soften after she shared her disappointment with a church leader. He told her that while her “Plan A” and “Plan B” were no longer on the table, her “Plan C” was exactly what was supposed to happen for her family. He promised her that her moment of realization would come. Ultimately, he was right, but it would take two years for that to fully sink in. 

“Just because it’s different than mine doesn’t mean it isn’t magical or less than.”

— Claire

Finding the Good in an Unexpected Duty Station

Two years after they settled into North Carolina, Claire’s family was preparing again for their next move, and it suddenly struck her that “we know why we’re supposed to be here.” As the movers packed their things and her children said goodbye to their friends, it became clear to her that her unexpected and unwanted “Plan C” was something her family needed, even if it was something she had never envisioned. 

Even though all the Internet trolls gave Claire a million reasons to hate Camp Lejeune, she “can say with my whole heart I loved North Carolina…if you try there’s so much goodness there.” It was clear to her that beauty comes when you put effort into loving where you live. Yes, there were ticks, bugs, and mold, but there were also beach sunrises and shark teeth and the moment of pride when the effort she’d put into discovering her new home paid off. 

love each duty station

A New Adventure in Hawaii

Hawaii is the first duty station that Claire and her family had been able to pick, and while the decision helped to eliminate some anticipatory anxiety, there is the lingering fear that if Hawaii isn’t a good fit, it will have been their own fault for choosing it. Her husband had originally planned to leave the Navy and work as a civilian doctor, but none of the interviews felt quite right for him.

Claire suggested that he reach out about dive medicine positions in the Navy, and the detailers let him know that because he was the first to ask, he could have the first pick of the available billets. Hawaii immediately jumped out to them as an ideal choice; because of their daughter’s health condition, they are unable to accept an overseas position, so Hawaii gives them the closest taste to living abroad. The timing is also serendipitous because their oldest will be entering high school when they return to the continental US. 

Claire has found herself chunking her family’s life into her husband’s tours and is sad about how few moves remain until her oldest graduates from high school. Looking ahead also led her to regretfully look back on all the things her children missed because of their nomadic military lifestyle. Her children did not get the consistency of her childhood, and while she wanted to branch away from Las Vegas, she still grieves for her children not getting the experiences that shaped her own happy youth. However, she reminds herself that her children have uniquely exciting and interesting lives and “just because it’s different than mine doesn’t mean it isn’t magical or less than.” 

What Military Spouses Can Take Away From Claire’s Story

Claire’s story is about more than PCS moves and duty stations. It is about learning how to build a life in places you did not choose, finding beauty after disappointment, and giving each new chapter a chance to surprise you.

  • You may not love a duty station right away. Sometimes it takes time, effort, and a few unexpected memories before a place starts to feel like home.
  • Community can change everything. Neighbors, friends, church groups, and local connections can become lifelines during hard seasons.
  • Exploring helps you feel rooted. Finding parks, libraries, running routes, beaches, restaurants, and familiar routines can make a new place feel less overwhelming.
  • Your children’s story can still be beautiful. Military kids may not have the same childhood you did, but their experiences can still be meaningful, adventurous, and full of magic.

What Military Spouses Can Take From Claire’s Story

This latest move has been a reminder of all the uncertainty and anxiety that comes with moving to a new place. They don’t know where they’re going to live, and it could be weeks until they know exactly where “home” will be in Hawaii. They’re preparing to live in a hotel for the foreseeable future, which, as her family has pointed out, seems unusual from the outside.

“You don’t realize how crazy it is until a parent or sibling points it out,” Claire observed after spending a chunk of the summer with her family. She’s excited to begin crossing things off her ever-present bucket list with her husband and children and to share her adventures with her social media audience, hopefully inspiring them to explore a little more themselves. 

Katie McDonald is a Navy wife, and she and her husband are currently stationed in Guam. After 5 years as an English teacher, Katie is currently working as a freelance writer and enjoys writing about books and travel. https://www.katiereads.com/

Embrace the Suck: Advice to a MilSpouse Going Through Your First Deployment.

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Happy to have this guest post by Megan on her best advice for a military spouse. Please email me at Julie@soldierswifecrazylife.com and let me know if you would like to write a guest post for Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life too.

Embrace the Suck: Advice to a MilSpouse Going Through Your First Deployment.

I just spend 3 hours on the phone with a spouse friend discussing spouses going through their first deployment. She’s a seasoned spouse who has been through her own trials and tribulations with deployments. I am a spouse going through my first deployment.

The more we talked the more I realized how different all her experiences are from my first. I guess the bottom line is it doesn’t matter if it’s your first or you’re tenth deployment. It doesn’t matter if it’s a 6-month deployment or a year deployment. It all sucks. So, the question is how to embrace the suck of a deployment.

I use the saying embrace the suck a lot when talking about my deployment experience. It’s become my deployment motto. It sounds harsh but it’s true.

When you are dealing with a deployment you must embrace the suck. We don’t like it. We don’t want to do it. It’s hard.

But there is nothing we can do about it. The truth is….it sucks, and we must rise to the occasion and survive it. So…. embrace the suck.

There is a lot of negative feelings surrounding the word deployment. When I married the military, I never heard one good thing that involved a deployment. It’s either terrible or sad.

The only good thing I can remember seeing or hearing is the welcome home videos online. Those are like Hallmark movies and always hit you in the feel-goods. Doesn’t matter how tough you are, watch one of those videos and you will cry! Outside of the welcome home, there isn’t a lot of good being said about a deployment.

So…. I’m going to share my suck and the positives of my first deployment. Here’s my advice for spouses going through their first deployment. Are you ready?!?!?

Pre-deployment is terrible. 

There will be fighting. You will not see eye to eye on anything. You as a spouse will want to cherish everything you do together or as a family. You will want to cling to him, hug him, kiss him and you will cry a lot. 

He will not. He is preparing to leave you. Most service members take this time to emotionally separate from their spouses. 

Do not take this personally. They are packing bags and getting ready to do one of the hardest things they have to do……leave their families. It’s not easy for them to walk away but it’s their duty. Understand that it’s mission first and their way of dealing with being away from you at this point.

Once they leave, they will call home and sound super happy and excited. 

You will not be being happy or excited. You will still be sad and adjusting to your empty house, your new single parent responsibilities, or an empty house. 

They will be living their best life. I know this is hard to understand but that’s a good thing. You want them to be happy. You want them to be excited. 

I once told a spouse who was frustrated with this. It’s so much better to hear your deployed spouse is living their best life than them calling you miserable. If they call you miserable, that’s when you understand you cannot help them.

It will break your heart; you will feel completely helpless and, in all honesty, there is nothing you can do for them. So, when your spouse calls home telling you how amazing it that’s a good thing. Even when life isn’t that great for you now.

I will say I am not one of those spouses who will tell you to hide your emotions from your deployed spouse.

I know there are a lot of spouses out there that will tell you not to tell your service member the bad stuff going on at home. You’re supposed to tell them it’s all rainbows, sunshine, and glitter. You’re not supposed to cry. 

However, I am one of those spouses that will tell you to openly communicate with your service member. Your service member needs to know how you are feeling, that you miss them, that it’s been a hard day and that Murphy moved into your home.

I’m not saying blow the phone up but don’t emotionally shut down. Your service member still needs to know things just like when they are having a hard time, they will need you.

Murphy will move into your home. 

Murphy’s law says if it will go wrong it will. Murphy will be like the boyfriend you can’t break up with. Stuff you never imaged would happen will happen.

You will have to watch YouTube videos and learn to do all kinds of stuff you never dreamed you would do. Keep in mind this is a good thing and brag to your service member. After all, not every spouse can fix a hot water heater! FYI lawn mowers need oil. Not sure who needs to hear this, but they do!

Your service member will have hard days. 

There will be days when something happens, and they need you. You need to be able to give them a pep talk.

Love them from a distance and be supportive. Even when you are having a bad day. You need to be prepared to be there for them. Sometimes at the end of the day, they might be having a harder day than you are. Please recognize that and support them the best way you can.

Find your tribe!!! 

And I don’t mean a tribe of civilian friends. I mean a tribe of military friends. A tribe that can understand, keep your secrets, and gives you guidance. I would not be able to survive all the cray of a deployment without my tribe of military spouses. They will guide you, love one (even from afar), and being your sounding board. You cannot do a deployment without a military spouse tribe.

Prepare yourself for the phone calls, texts, and video chats to tapper off. 

There will come a time when the communication slacks off. This does not mean something is wrong. This means your service member is doing their job or enjoying some downtime. 

Try not to take it personally if you do not feel emotionally connected to your service member. They are getting into their new normal just like you are. It’s a process.

I know it’s hard, it was for me. I didn’t like my husband being so far away and not wanting to constantly talk to me. But just like you are living your new life alone they are there to do a job so they can get back home to you.

Take some time to grieve. 

It took me two months to pick up my husbands’ shoes off the living room floor or to fold the last load of his laundry. Leave it there until you are ready. When you are you will know. There is not a rule book on how to handle these kinds of things. It’s hard. Take your time. When you’re ready to pick the shoes up, you will. 

Take this time apart as a positive thing. 

Don’t get me wrong, it’s hard, there will be bad days but try new things. Find new hobbies, go to school, focus on work, eat junk food in bed, and watch whatever you want on TV. Deployments do not mean it’s the end of a marriage or the world. It can be a great time for you to self-reflect and discover new things about yourself.

Remember deployment is temporary. 

I know going into a 13-month deployment it felt like it would last forever. It’s temporary. Your service member will come home. Everything you’re going through or will go through is temporary. Just keep that in the back of your mind, it will eventually end.

There will be anxiety when the end is coming.

I have not personally experienced the end of a deployment, yet. My husband is still gone right now. However, I did get to watch a homecoming of my best friend and her husband. 

Don’t worry about the perfect coming home outfit. Wear something comfortable. You really don’t know how you will react when you see your service member. 

When I saw my friend see her husband for the first time, she ran to him, threw her shoes off, and jumped in his arms. I realized I needed to wear pants and tennis shoes after watching them. It was the sweetest thing I have ever seen. Cue the Hallmark movie theme music and tears.

Finally, remember you are a military spouse! 

You married the military. You love your service member. You are strong. You have made it through TDYs, PCS, Schools, trainings, and anything else the military world throws at you. 

Some of you have had babies without your spouses, have raised babies without your spouse, faced all kinds of obstacles without your spouse and who knows what else. We can do this, and we will do this!

You will get through all the suck. You will cry, you will be lonely, you will have great days, you will have terrible days. It’s part of it but at the end of the day, YOU CAN DO IT!!! It’s what makes Military spouses special!

The best advice I can give it try to enjoy yourself. Take a vacation. Enjoy your alone time.

Spend time with friends and family. Go to school. Dive into work. Work in your yard. Crochet a blanket. Whatever it is that you have always wanted to do……do it!!!

It’s the perfect time to discover who you are. Love yourself and the time will pass. Remember embrace the suck. That’s all you can do. Embrace the suck and live your best life.

My name is Megan Davis. I have a full-time paying job and volunteer jobs that I love. I currently work as a Personnel Supervisor at Westaff where I match people in my community looking for jobs with companies looking for workers. I volunteer as the Family Readiness Group Leader for the 2-108 CAV Squadron in Shreveport. I work with Military Spouse Advocacy Network (MSAN) mentoring other National Guard Spouses. Following these passions, I was recognized as the 2020-2021 Louisiana National Guard Spouse of the Year. I love helping people, specifically military spouses. One of my main goals is to make sure military spouses know they are not alone when trying to navigate through the military world. I want to help give them the courage to speak out and help build a support system for them so they can make it through all the crazy things the military life throws at us. I am also a student at the University of Louisiana at Monroe for my bachelor’s degree in risk management. Graduating from ULM has been my biggest goal for years and I am proud to say I am almost there.

I Can’t Cope Without My Husband But I Am a Military Spouse So I Have To

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I Can't Cope Without My Husband But I Am a Military Spouse So I Have To

I Can’t Cope Without My Husband But I Am a Military Spouse So I Have To

I woke up this morning to see the article, I Can’t Cope Without My Husband, And I’m Comfortable Admitting That. Honestly? My first reaction was, “Really? I can’t either, but I do it anyway because I have to because my husband is in the military and how dare you even complain about your husband being away for a weekend.” And then I thought, “If your spouse was in the military too, you would be able to cope just like I have because that is what we military spouses HAVE to do, even if we sometimes feel like we can’t cope without them too.”

I read the comments. I know you are not supposed to read the comments, but I did. Some were showing compassion for the woman, others not as much. Some were military spouses upset that she couldn’t handle a weekend away, others telling these spouses it wasn’t a competition and that we should show the writer compassion.

The truth is, this is all so complicated.

This woman, she suffers from depression, anxiety, and ADHD and she is having a hard time. I totally get that. I can understand too that for the non-military spouse, a weekend away is going to be a lot harder than it is for us milspouses. They are not used to this type of thing. Their spouse didn’t sign up for a job that would take them away. I get all of that.

So to the writer of that piece, I do offer you compassion. I am sorry it is so hard when your spouse is away, I truly am. If you were a friend of mine, I would tell you that you can get through this, you can, and that you are not alone in your feelings.

At the same time, we also have to recognize that there are military spouses who feel the same way she does. Some military spouses suffer from depression. Some military spouses suffer from anxiety. Some military spouses have ADHD and more. Some spouses feel that coping without their spouse is not something they can do.

But then, deployment orders get cut. Training begins. Drill weekends show up, and we spouses have to do it. We have to say goodbye. We have to cope without our spouses. We could be suffering just as much, but we don’t have a choice, we have to keep going.

We spend months, sometimes over a year as a solo parent. Sometimes a two-week training can put us over the age if it comes at a difficult time.

We give birth without our husbands, and sometimes they just don’t get to come and be with us on that day. We say goodbye to our spouses with a newborn in our hands and a toddler at our legs. We plan our child’s high school graduation party, inviting our in-laws, knowing our child’s father won’t be in the crowd.

The truth is, whether we feel like this woman or not, we still have to find a way to get through life without our husbands by our side. I know my husband makes my life easier. I am a worry wart, and he balances that out. I love talking about my day with him. If we have trouble with the kids, he can be there. But when he is gone, when he isn’t available, I struggle. Some days are easier than others.

Over the years I have learned how to cope without my husband.

You see, for the first three years of our marriage, he was not in the military. We were not away from each other. When we first started talking about him re-joining the Army, I didn’t think I could do that. We had a child together. How would I be able to handle being a solo parent while he was away? I couldn’t do that. I needed him. We were a team.

But here is the truth. My husband is a soldier. He is. It’s in his blood. No, when I met him he was not active duty. But I could still tell he was a soldier. So when he re-enlisted in 2005, I knew it was the right thing to do.

When he came home from drill a few months ago, wanting to re-enlist, I knew it was the right thing to do. Even though, after all these years, I sometimes feel like I can’t cope without him. Even though my anxiety goes through the roof when he is gone. Even though being a solo parent has been so tough over the years.

I think that in life, there is always someone who has it worse than us and always someone who has it easier.

I envy my friends who have never had to spend more than a week or two away from their spouses. I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if that had been the case for us. But it wasn’t.

So to anyone, military spouse or not who feels like they can not cope without their spouse, know that you are not alone in feeling this way. Whether you are about to drop your spouse of five years off for basic training or your husband of 15 years has to visit their mom for two weeks without you.

Whoever you are, whatever you are dealing with, seek out all the help you can get. Rely on your friends. Find your tribe. See a counselor. Don’t be ashamed. Let others know that you need a little more help.

Because at the end of the day, we each have our struggles. We each have things that are hard to deal with that we feel others won’t understand. We each have nights where we cry ourselves to sleep and mornings where we are not sure how we will make it to dinnertime, let alone bedtime.

And while it is way too easy to compare our struggles, way too easy to feel like we have the worst possible situation, we take comfort in knowing that we are not alone, that we can find others who get it, and that someday life won’t be as hard.

Do you struggle with feeling like you can’t cope without your spouse? What do you do to make life easier when you feel that way?

There He Goes Again

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Man and woman holding hands.

There he goes again. Always leaving. Always working hard.

I will never get used to seeing him go. I will never not tear up when I think of it. I will never have to say goodbye without that moment causing me pain. But I know he has to go.

As a military spouse, I know that this life means that sometimes he will be far away from us. That we will have to watch him walk away. With his uniform on and his gear at his side.

There he goes again even though it feels like he just came home. Even if I wanted him to stay a bit longer. Even if I wanted him to be here with us instead.

When he signed the paperwork to do this, I stood by not knowing what it all meant. I knew there would be distance, but I didn’t know how badly that could hurt. I knew there would be pain, but I didn’t know the pain wouldn’t get easier as the years went by.

There he goes again. This time to fight a different battle.

This time in a different country. Going somewhere I could never visit. Going to a place I never thought he would ever go.

As I watch him walk away, I think of everything we have been through. Are these all the years that we get? Is this where our story ends? I don’t want to think that, but I can’t help it. I know how dangerous his job can be.

There he goes again. Into the unknown. Into the wild. As I watch him walk away, I wonder who I will be when he returns. I sure hope I am stronger but right now all I feel is weakness.

As I turn to my children, I realize how hard all this is going to be for them. They have to say goodbye to their father again. One more time. They have to do without when other kids don’t. That isn’t fair, but that is a part of this life.

There he goes again. Serving his country. Taking up the fight for freedom. Responding to his orders. Is he the type that could stay home when others go to fight? No, he is the type to go, even when he doesn’t want to leave us.

Oh how much our children will grow when he is gone. They will have birthdays that he will miss and we will never get that time back. They will start at a new school, make new friends, and life will go on for them. Even through missing him.

There He Goes Again

There he goes again. Just like I knew he would have to.

From the moment I heard the news he was going, I knew this day would come. With tears in my eyes, I hugged and kissed him goodbye. I told him I would write; he told me he loved me.

Oh, how I wish this were not a part of our life. Our military life. But it is. Oh, how I wish this were easier. Sometimes I think the next time will be, but saying goodbye doesn’t work like that.

The time apart is what it is. When he goes, I try to stay busy and cross off those days on the calendar. I will send care packages and go to FRG meetings and know that deployments eventually end. I will remember how I got through the last deployment and remember that this one is supposed to be shorter.

There he goes again, as military spouses we will say this over and over again. And each time we will shed our tears and stand tall. Because we have to. Because we love them. Because we love our country.

And through it all, we will take what we learn, apply it to our future and know that we got this, no matter how hard it seems, no matter how long they are gone, no matter what else military life brings our way. 

Looking for more blog posts about surviving a deployment?

Supporting Military Moms: A Military Spouse Spotlight

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Supporting Military Moms: A Military Spouse Spotlight

Supporting Military Moms: A Military Spouse Spotlight

Charlotte is a Coast Guard wife, mother, and doula, and she has dedicated her work to supporting military families throughout their prenatal, labor, and postpartum journeys. After her own traumatic birth experience and a difficult postpartum season, Charlotte recognized the importance of having an advocate and supporter, especially when deployments and far-away duty stations leave new and expecting mothers on their own. 

Desperate for Answers

Charlotte received her prenatal and postpartum care with civilian providers in Florida, and while she “thought my body would have known what to do…it’s not that simple.” She ended up with an emergency C-section because her heart rate was dropping, and her daughter was not tolerating Pitocin. She was separated from her daughter for 7 hours while she was taken to the NICU for additional care, and she sadly recalled that she “know[s] what it’s like to be left in an empty room alone.”

Her daughter ultimately had to stay in the NICU for four days, but Charlotte was frustrated by the minimal answers she received about her daughter’s condition from the medical team. She had to ask three times to speak with a doctor, and she felt that the answers she received from the nurses were surface-level. Similarly, she had to continuously ask for a lactation consultant. It was “a lot of advocating I didn’t expect to do freshly postpartum,” she said, and even with her husband present and her sister-in-law (who is a neonatologist) available to help, she felt herself struggling to find the answers she needed. 

Overall, she felt overwhelmed by her birth experience, and her postpartum days were marked by loneliness, frustration, and deep sadness. She recalled her first night home from the hospital and how she awoke to find an empty bassinet. She freaked out because she forgot that her daughter was still in the NICU. To this day, Charlotte doesn’t have answers to many of her questions about her traumatic birth and recovery, and she’s gone through a lot of therapy to process and heal from the experience.

Feeling Alone and Finding a Lifeline

After her daughter was able to come home, Charlotte felt “crazy” and didn’t leave the house for six months. She found it hard to talk to people about what she was going through because of the unique struggles of military life. People tried to give her well-meaning advice, but Charlotte felt that many other moms “don’t get that experience…it’s not a normal job where your spouse can just take leave.”

Her husband had to go out to sea and split his paternity leave, and she recalled the difficulty of not having regular and easy contact with him. While she recognized it wasn’t her husband’s fault that he was gone during such a sensitive and critical time, she still felt upset, alone, and unsupported. While she had one friend come over to help, she felt that most people just wanted to see her baby rather than offer her the support and care she so desperately needed as a new mom. 

Additionally, she struggled with feelings of shame. She told herself, “Other moms had babies in the NICU for longer,” and because she felt that she wasn’t taken seriously at the hospital, she felt even worse. “I don’t know how I made it out of that,” she recalled, and credits her virtual support groups and therapist as being her “lifeline” during these difficult transitional months. 

Supporting Military Moms: A Military Spouse Spotlight

A Desire to Give Back and Supporting Military Moms

Charlotte needed time to work on herself and heal, but she soon felt the need to give back. “Being a doula is my way to heal,” she says, and she is determined to help other women see that “birth can be beautiful even if it doesn’t go to plan.” She began doing virtual trainings in Florida when her daughter was a year old, and she completed her certification in births in Guam after their PCS. 

Guam has been a challenging and rewarding duty station for her as a doula because of the lack of maternity care resources, the distance many women are from their families, and the difficulties that deployments pose. She says that “holding space for all the feelings and all the emotions is sometimes what they [moms] need,” and she works to tailor her support to each client’s needs. For example, she can accompany women in person to their prenatal appointments or can join on speakerphone to help them feel less alone.

Making specialist appointments with Tricare can be a difficult and daunting process, and she works to advocate for and support women as they navigate the healthcare system. She helps women to draft questions before their appointments and gives them the space to vent if things don’t go according to plan. Her goal is to “help moms feel empowered to speak up.” After seeing the red flags in her own care and not knowing how to speak up, she works to ensure that women feel safe. 

She recently started a support group for new and expecting moms because she knows “how lonely it can be.” She said that being in a support group “really helped me to know I’m not crazy…knowing you’re not alone and have other moms you can lean on helps a lot because it can feel really isolating.” She also offers birth education classes because “the more you know, the more empowered you are.” She wants new moms to “feel like the choices they make are their own.” 

More Changes Ahead

After only a year in Guam, Charlotte’s husband received an opportunity to work in Puerto Rico. While Charlotte was in the midst of establishing her doula services in Guam, she is looking forward to her next steps after their move. She is interested in becoming a midwife so she can take a more hands-on approach to maternal care. 

Katie McDonald is a Navy wife, and she and her husband are currently stationed in Guam. After 5 years as an English teacher, Katie is currently working as a freelance writer and enjoys writing about books and travel. https://www.katiereads.com/

Creating Community: A Military Spouse Spotlight

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Shiloh is an Air Force wife, mother, and community organizer who has helped to build and maintain supportive groups for families in Guam. After becoming a mother in Hawaii and moving to Guam with a young child, Shiloh recognized the importance of being a good villager and creating a support system to keep loneliness, isolation, and boredom at bay. 

Life Changing News

Before PCSing to Hawaii with her husband, Shiloh had never lived outside Missouri, except for a few months as a toddler. She intended to make the most of the opportunity by learning to surf and completing an internship with the Children’s Justice Center. However, she became pregnant a month after their move, so outdoor adventures were largely put on the back burner, and her life was soon consumed with the demands of motherhood. She began to make new friends when her son was six months old, and she appreciated the wide variety and availability of activities in Hawaii. However, this newly developing support system was interrupted by her move to Guam. 

With the move to a smaller, further, and more isolated Pacific island, Shiloh wanted to be really intentional about supporting her son in making friends. She was struck by how little was offered for children under the preschool age range and felt like she needed to start something to build a community for herself and other moms in the same position. 

She decided to put herself out there by posting about starting a playgroup on Facebook, and she received a hugely positive response from other moms looking for genuine connections and opportunities for themselves and their children to socialize. 

Creating Community: A Military Spouse Spotlight

The Power of Playgroups 

Shiloh reflected that she’s always been a community organizer; she led a neighborhood egg hunt when she was eight years old and has always taken joy in organizing communal events. This outlet had been lost during the trenches of new motherhood in Hawaii, but she was determined to reclaim that vital part of herself in Guam. Having always worked or been in school, Shiloh emphasized the importance of having something that was hers and that she could pour her passions into. 

The playgroup started simply with 2 events a week that touched on two main themes: playground socialization time and exploring Guam like a tourist. Because her husband was busy, Shiloh recognized that there were so many activities that weren’t as fun to do alone, so she invited families to join her for outings to the Guam Museum, Ritidian Beach, Inarajan Natural Pool, and other popular spots. Listening to the group’s feedback, she began a monthly “crafts and coffee” event where moms could focus on a craft while their kids played together. From hikes to book clubs, there’s something for every family’s interest and endless ways to find and foster friendships. 

The group has been in existence for a year and currently has over 350 members, most of whom are associated with the military. Shiloh was especially excited that other women have stepped up to host events, ensuring the group’s longevity with the ever-changing dynamics of PCS season. She wanted to create a space that would survive and thrive long after she moves to her next duty station, a challenge many military-affiliated groups face. “The playgroup has become the cornerstone of people’s village here,” Shiloh said with pride.

Outside of in-person meetups, Shiloh is also proud of the virtual engagement and community the group has cultivated. Members are invited to reflect on their week every Saturday evening on the group’s Facebook page, and an active group chat allows people to ask for, offer, and receive support. For example, a mom recently wrote that she was struggling to keep up with her house, and multiple members volunteered to lend a hand during her time of need. “I want it to be community building and a little village,” Shiloh said, and it’s evident that hundreds of families are benefiting from the friendship and support the playgroup offers. 

The key, Shiloh said, is “if you want a village, be a villager. If I set up a meal train, then I’m the first to bring a meal. You can’t be passive and expect your community to build.” While she said that it’s always awkward and hard to initially make introductions and put yourself out there, she can guarantee that everyone wants to make more friends.  

Creating Community: A Military Spouse Spotlight

Friendship and Faith

“I was throwing myself headlong into everything when we got here because I wanted to build a system here,” Shiloh admitted. “I need people I can depend on, so I hit the ground running.” She had attended just two meetings of Just Among Military Moms (JAMM)—a faith and fellowship group for women on Andersen Air Force Base—when she helped to fill a leadership void. 

The group has had its peaks and valleys in the past year, and Shiloh began with significant obstacles. Facing budget cuts, Shiloh had to work even harder to create an intentional group that was “not just another reason to get together…[it would be] soul building.” Believing that “anybody can start anything” because “our world is built by people who have the audacity,” Shiloh was undaunted in crafting themed events and a retreat to bring the community together. She is proud to be in a position where leadership trusts her and to be reaping the fruits of her labor a year later. 

A Plan to Give Back 

Shiloh’s self-proclaimed toxic trait is that she’s always looking for more things to do. “I love to be busy and have my things,” she said, and admitted that while she loves being a mom, she also misses working. She was a Registered Behavior Technician for three years and worked with kids on the autism spectrum.

With a degree in psychology and years of hands-on experience, Shiloh has a desire to get her master’s degree in social work. Just dealing with children’s behaviors, she believes, is not enough; there are deeper issues beyond diagnoses, and home life is a huge factor that impacts mental health. “There is so much more in mental health than the mind; I want to get to the heart of it,” she said. 

She would like to start a therapy practice with multiple providers focusing on EMDR and trauma therapy for kids struggling with abuse and neglect. Having seen how impactful it is to care for providers, she wants to work with and support mental health providers because second-hand trauma is a real challenge. While her desire is to work with kids in the long run, she wants to wait until her own are older first. 

The community-building work that she’s doing now is ultimately developing her skills for social work. She is getting to know on a real level the struggles moms and their kids are facing. She appreciates the freedom that volunteering and leading gives her; without a boss, she is free to pursue her interests and passions on her own timeline while still being fully present for her son. For other moms who feel like they’re not making career progress outside of their homes, Shiloh encourages them to volunteer or make things to donate because there’s a need for assistance wherever you’re stationed. 

Creating Community: A Military Spouse Spotlight

Final Reflections

“People don’t realize how much agency they have,” Shiloh said, and she encourages others to have the bravery and initiative to find and fill the needs in their community. “If there’s nothing in your area, you can make the thing.” After all, she said, her playgroup didn’t start with hundreds of members. If you start small and are genuine, your efforts will grow organically. You just need the courage to begin. 

Katie McDonald is a Navy wife, and she and her husband are currently stationed in Guam. After 5 years as an English teacher, Katie is currently working as a freelance writer and enjoys writing about books and travel. https://www.katiereads.com/

12 Ways to Know You Have Been a Military Spouse for a Really Long Time

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I used to be the brand new spouse. The whole military thing was all new to me. I can remember standing on post as a group of soldiers walked by and telling myself, wow, this is really my life now. It was surreal at the time, but now it wouldn’t phase me.

But over the years, I have grown, learned, and moved from a brand new military spouse to a more seasoned one.

And wow, I have learned a lot!

Do you feel like you are a seasoned spouse too? Here is how you know you have been a military spouse for a really long time…:)

#1 You know what all those three-letter words mean. MWR, DoD, TDY, and MOS to name a few. And then, just when you think you have them all memorized, you discover a new one. Those military acronyms always keep you on your toes.

#2 You hear someone hasn’t spoken to their spouse in 24 hours and you think back to your first deployment when you would go weeks without a word.

#3 You don’t start really looking into a new duty station until orders are in hand. Just because they say you are moving somewhere doesn’t mean it will happen.

#4 You no longer write in pen. You have been burned in the past and wonder what took you so long to invest in some really nice pencils.

#5 You know those deployment dates are really just suggestions. Both the coming and the going. They can and do change at any time.

#6 Your family knows the drill. No, you don’t know when you can visit again. No, you can’t tell them when they are coming home from the deployment. No, you don’t know when you will be moving back to the States.

#7 You know that being due with a baby doesn’t mean your spouse will be able to come home early from a deployment. That is a hard pill to swallow, but it’s the truth. Military spouses do give birth without their spouse by their side.

#8 You avoid the Commissary on payday at all costs. It’s not worth waiting in line for 3 hours. I am only kind of kidding about that.

#9 You have a PCS system down. You know how to make your to-do list and your moving day schedule and put it all together in a PCS binder. Or maybe you don’t because you don’t use one because you have done this 100 times.

#10 You have friends all over the world. Yes, quite literally, across the globe.

#11 You know pre-deployment will be stressful, and you know post-deployment will be too. But when you are headed to pick up your spouse after a deployment, you still get butterflies.

#12 You know who Murphy is, and you hate him. You never invite him in, but he always shows up. You are never surprised.

Military life is filled with ups and downs, good times and bad. We have to laugh about it sometimes and power through others. Taking the journey, one day at a time.