Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Military spouse life

When Your Countdown Gets Delayed

by

When Your Countdown Gets Delayed

It was April and my husband would be home in June. Only a couple more months to go. I sat down at my computer in my apartment in Germany and looked through all of the summer dresses. I would need to pick something out for homecoming.

I decided to look later and headed to bed, completely unaware of what the next day would bring. Completely unaware of how everything would change and how I wouldn’t need a summer homecoming dress after all.

That next day, we heard the news. The men were not coming back in June, they were being extended and this deployment would go from nine months to twelve just like that.

As military spouses, we know things change all the time. Orders change, locations change, dates change.

We know this and yet, we still hope they don’t. We still wonder if we might be the lucky ones where dates don’t change, and everything happens the way we think it should.

But the reality is, things don’t always go so smoothly during our military spouse lives. We are always having to adjust. Even if it is very hard to do so.

When I heard on the news that all military travel and moves were on hold in Italy and South Korea because of the Coronavirus, I thought about how this was going to be a delay for some military families. And while this one isn’t because of military reasons, it is still a delay.

I know there are some military families who have been counting down the days until their move. I know there are military spouses who assumed their loved one would be back in their arms this month. I know there is a lot of disappointment because of this.

And maybe you have been through this too. Maybe you have been through a deployment extension, or maybe your PCS orders got moved from May to September. Maybe you planned everything out with your kids and their schedules only to be told everything was going to change.

When your countdown gets delayed, no matter what it is for, it is hard to not get extremely frustrated by the whole thing. I know for me, I tend to go down the “what if” hole rather quickly.

What if it gets delayed again?

What if we miss doing something we had planned?

What if this happens every time we PCS or for every deployment?

Because my husband’s first deployment was extended, I had a fear it would happen each and every time. It was so difficult to let go of that. Worried that he would get extended again was always in the back of my head.

And sure, the best thing to do would be to assume the longest time possible, but that is hard to do in reality. When you have young kids, and struggling through each day, the last thing you want to do is tell yourself it is okay if this deployment also gets extended past a year.

So what should you do when your countdown gets delayed? How can you stay calm? Here is what worked for me:

1) Find friends to get through the delay with.

See if anyone else is going through the same thing. The good thing about going through the extension where we were stationed is that almost every single military spouse was going through it too. It was a pretty small post and we were able to come together to help one another through.

2) Make more plans.

Fill up that calendar. Go somewhere every day if that is possible. Staying busy is going to help you, and keep your mind off the waiting. Because that is what a delay is about. Just more waiting.

If you are not able to get out and do stuff away from home, make fun plans inside your home. Start a new hobby, teach your kids something new, or have a movie marathon. You want to avoid just sitting there being sad about your situation, time does not pass that way.

3) Don’t go down the rabbit hole

This is going to be the hardest part. I can go down this hole rather quickly and it gets me so upset. All the “what ifs” can mess with your head.

Talk things over with your spouse, try to focus on any of the good things you are going through at the moment, and no matter what the delay is, things will get moving again eventually.

4) Learn from it all.

I learned a lot from my husband’s delayed homecoming date. It wasn’t always fun, and I cried a lot of tears.

But after he got home, I was able to look back and learn from everything I went through. I was able to pull the good out of the situation and even though I wouldn’t want to go through all of that again, I was glad that I learned something from the experience.

I think sometimes that is all we can do with a stressful delay of any kind. We know they can happen, but when they do, they can really throw us off.

I hope that whatever delay you are experiencing you can find ways to make it through. That you can get through this with friends, family, and by finding creative ways to do so. You got this military spouse!

“Life is a cycle, always in motion, if good times have moved on, so will times of trouble” – Indian proverb

Just Another MilSpouse Valentine’s Day

by Leave a Comment

Just Another MilSpouse Valentine's Day

You can head to your local Target before it is even January 1st and be hit in the face with Valentine’s everything. That stuff shows up way before your ready and seems to stick around way too long. All for one day in February.

As a military spouse, this day can be pretty frustrating. If your spouse is deployed, if your boyfriend is away at basic, if your service member is off training somewhere, you kinda just want to skip the whole thing.

At the same time, you wouldn’t mind getting some flowers, eating some conversation hearts, and even doing something special for your kids.

It’s just another milspouse Valentine’s day, and your emotions are all over the place.

Should you send your spouse a Valentine’s Day care package? Should you host a Galentine’s Day party instead? What if you just don’t want anything to do with the day?

The good news is, you can do what you want, and make Valentine’s Day what you want. You can do what works for you and your family and you don’t have to feel guilty about it.

So, for a milspouse Valentine’s Day, you can:

Go all out

For some, Valentine’s day is all about the red, the pink, and the glitter. If this is you, send a fun Valentine’s Day care package. If your spouse is home, plan for a nice homecooked dinner or make reservations at a local restaurant.

Find a fun present your spouse or partner will love and do what you can to make them feel special. Decorate your home, and get all the candy hearts. There are so many ideas on Pinterest, from making yummy treats, to creating some amazing homemade Valentines.

Celebrate with friends

Galentine’s Day is February 13th, but that doesn’t mean you can’t actually celebrate with friends on the 14th. Maybe everyone’s spouse is deployed and you want to plan a special potluck. Maybe you just want to get together for lunch to enjoy your friendship.

Celebrating friendship is a fun way to celebrate Valentine’s Day. Especially in the milspouse world when our sweethearts are across the ocean. Have fun with it and turn Valentine’s Day into a today for friends.

Celebrate with your kids

Kids always love a good celebration. Bake some Valentine’s Day cookies, put together a fun basket, or just enjoy the night with fun heart-shaped foods.

Help your kids make valentines with your kids for their class. Sometimes this means finding a fun idea on Pinterest and other times adding a couple of candy hearts to a Star Wars pack you got at the Commissary. Don’t put any pressure on yourself or your kids to do something you don’t want to do. In the end, kids love all the valentines they get, no matter how long they took to make.

Do nothing at all

Maybe you are just over Valentine’s Day and sick of wondering year after year if your spouse will even be home for the holiday. I know for us there were quite a few years in a row where my husband was gone, either on deployment or training over February 14th. I think one year he might have even left on Valentine’s Day!

You don’t even have to do anything with the day. You don’t have to give anyone a Valentine’s Day card, and you don’t have to put a lot of pressure on yourself to have that perfect holiday. After all, wasn’t Valentine’s Day made up by a card company anyway?

Whatever you decide to do this year, enjoy it. Maybe this year you are just going to ignore this February holiday, knowing that next year you could do something different. Maybe you just want to celebrate with your friends or family. Enjoy! And make sure to go back to Target on February 15th to get your half-priced chocolate 🙂

The Best Lessons a Military Spouse Can Learn

by

The Best Lessons a Military Spouse Can Learn

As we are getting close to the end of this decade, I decided to go into my Shutterfly account and try to organize my photos a bit more. As I was looking through older photos I came across one from Thanksgiving 2012.

I think my husband was home, but we got together with a bunch of friends and their kids and looking at that photo brought back so many memories. Of time with this circle of friends. A group that slowly fell apart because of one move or one PCS after another.

I am actually still here, and everyone else has moved on but it really made me think about what we go through as military spouses. I thought about all the lessons we can learn during our time as a military spouse. It really made me reflected on how I have grown as a person over the years since my husband re-joined the military so many years ago. I’m sure many of you can relate 🙂

Friendships Won’t Stay the Same

I love having a friend circle. A group of other women I can talk with, vent with, and depend on. A group of other people who get me.

I am so thankful I have found this during my years as a military spouse, however, my friend circles are always temporary. Always. Sure, I am still friends with those people, we keep in touch for the most part, and follow each others lives.

But it will never be the same as it was when we all lived in the same town, or when our husbands were all deployed, or when we all had two-year-old boys to entertain, just trying to figure out how to get through the day.

Time moves own, PCSing happens, and we figure out how to say goodbye and go forward.

And that is just apart of this military life. A part that is hard to take sometimes. A part that will stop you in your tracks as you remember a fun memory or a time when you were all together.

I also know that those memories will always be with me. I will never forget the Space-A trip we took together when our husbands were deployed, the late-night shopping on Black Friday, or just the simple day-to-day moments of getting together to let the kids play.

I still value these friendships even though the miles separate us. I still think about these women, even if we never talk anymore. And I always have hope of finding new friends along the way. Not to replace the old, but to add to my life experiences.

Homesickness Can Hit Hard

I haven’t lived at my parent’s house full time since I left for college over twenty years ago. I still get homesick. I still have moments where I think for a few minutes about how I could move back.

Wherever you call home will probably always call to you in some way. Maybe it is your family, and all the fun you have together. Maybe it is the warmth you feel every time you visit your hometown. Maybe it is just longing for a place that is so imprinted on your heart, you know you will never truly let it go.

I always wanted to move away from home. I always wanted to see other places and experience different ways of living. But there is still apart of me that can get pretty homesick sometimes. It doesn’t last too long but the feeling is there.

You might be ready to take on the world. You might be living in Europe or Japan and know how exciting it is that you get to do so. And you might be hit with homesickness all the same. Hitting you in the face when you least expect it too.

I think this is just another part of military life we military spouses can experience. We are the family that doesn’t live there anymore. We can feel like the outsider. And those emotions aren’t always easy to deal with at times.

Making our new duty station or city feel like home is key. Even if we know we will only be there for a few years, we can figure out ways to connect to our community, and enjoy what is before us.

Deployments Can Be Good For Us

I never wanted my husband to deploy. The deployments were never at the right time…and always seem to throw a wrench into the plan for my life. However, in someways deployments were good for me.

I learned how to be more independent whether that meant taking care of two toddlers by myself or learning to mow the lawn and other chores I otherwise never would have done.

I figured out that I am stronger than I think I am. I figured out that I could do things that I never dreamed were possible. And that if I have to do them in the future, I can handle what comes our way.

I learned how I can truly be a good friend to a struggling military spouse and how to let people help when I was the one in need.

Deployments can be too long and make you just want to cry but they can also help you grow as a person. I will always be thankful for that.

Plans Change And That’s Okay

How many times have plans changed for you as a military spouse? Maybe you went through an unexpected deployment or a PCS to a place you never thought you would end up. Whatever it is, you start to get used to things always changing in the military.

I really learned this during our 15-month deployment that was at one point only supposed to be 9 months, then later 12. I learned this when I was told it would take just about a month to join my husband in Germany and we had to wait 4.5. I learned this when he deployed for the 3rd time and we weren’t sure if he would be gone for 5 months or over a year.

Things change all the time and nothing can feel predictable. But…sometimes these changes end up bringing us to a better place. Sometimes these changes lead us to places and people we never would have imagined. Sometimes these changes were exactly what we needed in our life.

This isn’t to say that every time the military changes its mind we should be happy about it. It’s okay to be frustrated but it can also give us an opportunity for growth and change that we never would have had otherwise. A chance to embrace something a little scary and see where that might lead.

What lessons have you learned as a military spouse this last year?

Don’t forget to check out The Newbie’s Guide to Military Life: Surviving a PCS and More by Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life and Mrs Navy Mama. Your guide for learning about military life.

18 Military Spouse Memes When You Just Need A Good Laugh

by 1 Comment

18 Military Spouse Memes When You Just Need A Good Laugh

Sometimes, and some days, you just need a good laugh. Here are 18 military spouse memes that should at least put a smile on your face:

Military Spouse Memes

Oh, I have done this a couple of times, and once, I even dropped my ID in between the seats and couldn’t find it. That was embarrassing.

Military Spouse Memes

I know some are lucky and can get stationed by the beach…but for others? It just never seems to happen.

Military Spouse Memes

Please, for the love, do not pack my trash!

Military Spouse Memes

Ya, Kentucky and Tennessee are beautiful, but not when you want to be adventurous and travel around Europe for 3-5 years.

Military Spouse Memes

Yes, yes the commissary will be. Maybe going to Kroger or Walmart on those days would be a better choice?

Military Spouse Memes

They sure do! Forever and ever! And ever!

Military Spouse Memes

Pretty much! Good thing Netflix is so good at making some amazing shows.

Military Spouse Memes

Yep, when I do have to use mine, I have to make sure I don’t accidentally use his.

Military Spouse Memes

For reals! Can you even PCS without freaking out at least once?

Military Spouse Memes

Yes! What is your drink of choice?

Military Spouse Memes

Wait…was it 37043 or 95406? I can’t remember anymore. What state am I even in?

Military Spouse Memes

Target! Yes! Just show me where the Target is!!!

Military Spouse Memes

Ouch! At least that means they are home right?

Military Spouse Memes

If only we could always be at the same duty stations as our friends!

Military Spouse Memes

Oh, the decisions we have to make. You really don’t want to have to buy a new heavy coat but do you really want to save it for a few years?

Military Spouse Memes

Make sure you learn what these mean! And try not to get them confused…;)

Military Spouse Memes

I bet you feel accomplished now!

Military Spouse Memes

Right? Could be somewhere north of here, west of here, south of here, or 2,000 miles away, who knows?

Well, I hope these military spouse memes cheered you up and made you laugh a little. Enjoy your military spouse life!

When You Are Faced With A Really Bad Deployment

by

When You Are Faced With A Really Bad Deployment

There is never such a thing as a good deployment. I don’t think very many spouses jump for joy when they hear the news their soldier will have to deploy. There is a lot of sadness that comes with the news. However, there can be deployments and there can be really bad deployments.

Some deployments are really bad because they are too long.

Some deployments are really bad because more than a few people lose their life or come home injured.

Some deployments are really bad because they come at the worst possible time for that particular family. Whether it is because of a child or a marriage or something else.

When You Are Faced With A Really Bad Deployment

 

Some deployments are really bad because you don’t feel emotionally ready for them to begin.

Some deployments are really bad because you never thought that this deployment would happen.

Whatever the reason, starting a really bad deployment can hit you emotionally. These deployments can cause a lot of pain and tears.

So what do you do if you are in this situation?

What should you do when the orders have been cut, you know when they are leaving, and you feel like you just can’t deal with everything?

When You Are Faced With A Really Bad Deployment

1) Find a battle buddy. You need one. It doesn’t have to be someone who is also going through a deployment but that can help. Find someone you can call at 11 pm at night because your 2-year-old has a 104 fever and you need someone to watch your three other kids.

Find someone you can go to coffee with. Find someone who will not judge you and you will walk with you through the whole deployment. If you are new or all your friends moved away, go places where you can meet people. MOPS, PWOC, FRG, book club or even the gym are perfect places to make new friends.

2) Start to see a counselor. This is what I had to do. I had never been to one before but when I felt the floor falling underneath me at the thought of my husband deploying again, I knew I had to go.

You can easily do this through Tricare. They pay for at least eight visits, maybe more. Go to Military One Source for more information. Don’t feel any shame in this at all. Sometimes we just need someone to talk to about everything going on in our lives.

3) Make plans. Fill up your calendar. Plan a trip, plan a visit home, plan to start classes or something else you have always wanted to do. You are going to need to stay busy. The busier you are, the better things will be. If you can have things in place before they even leave, all the better.

When You Are Faced With A Really Bad Deployment

4) Cry when you need to. I think sometimes Military spouses feel they need to be strong every hour of every day. The truth is, we need to let it out sometimes.

After the kids go to bed, have a good cry, write in your journal, grab a glass of wine and turn on a fun movie. It is okay to be sad about this. Deployments are hard and they are not any fun. Cry when you need to. Doing so will be good for you.

Deployments can be hard on people. They can seem too overwhelming and something you wish would just go away. The fact is, if you are married to someone in the Military, they will be part of your life eventually. The best thing to do when faced with one is get prepared as much as you can. Hopefully, these tips can help you get ready for your next time of separation.

What would you add to this list?

Operation Rocker With Cracker Barrel and Operation Homefront

by

Cracker Barrel

This is a sponsored post with Cracker Barrel!

Every time we go to Cracker Barrel we always take some time to sit in the rocking chairs out front. They are perfect for your porch, to sit and enjoy the evening or to have a cup of coffee before work. I am working together with Cracker Barrel on this post and they sent me one of their rocking chairs to put together, decorate, and gift to someone special. When they did, I knew who I wanted to give this rocker to.

My husband, who is in the National Guard, first joined the Army back in 1996. Although he did take a break, I joke it was in order to meet me, he has served a total of about 13 years, both active duty, and with the National Guard. He spends his weeks working hard at his civilian job and then when it is time for drill, puts on his uniform, and goes and serves his country. And his birthday is coming up.

I knew that my husband would love a rocking chair for his birthday. We have a front porch at our home here in Tennessee and I knew a rocking chair would be perfect for him to sit in after work or on a Saturday morning, especially since it has finally started cooling off here.

Operation Rocker With Cracker Barrel and Operation Homefront

When he is not working, he likes to relax and I knew the rocking chair would allow him to do so more than the chairs we already had out there. My six-year-old son and I took some time to decorate the chair for him too. He loves this type of thing and knowing he was making it for his Dad made working on it even better.

Operation Rocker With Cracker Barrel and Operation Homefront

My helper 🙂

We decided to go with a red, white, and blue patriotic theme for the chair. We used several different types of ribbon and a red, white and blue star decoration.

Cracker Barrel

Cracker Barrel provides a good meal for your whole family. They have a home-away-from home feel and whenever someone visits us from out-of-town, we like to take them there. The restaurant was established in 1969 in Lebanon, TN and there are 644 stores in 44 states today. Not only do they have good food, their breakfasts are my favorite, but they have an amazing country store you have to spend time in when you go.

Operation Rocker

The Operation Rocker campaign with Cracker Barrel and Operation Homefront is a way for the community to give back to the military and the veterans who have served their country. Cracker Barrel will donate a rocking chair to Operation Homefront for every adult rocker that is purchased on Cracker Barrel’s website until Labor Day (9/4/17.)

In addition to donating the rockers, Cracker Barrel also donated 10% of proceeds from all in-store adult rocker sales to Operation Homefront during the weekend of June 30th-July 4, 2017.

Operation Homefront

Operation Homefront offers relief, resiliency, and recurring support to military families across the nation. After starting shortly after 9/11, they have served tens of thousands of military families across the country. I know we have benefited from them in the past too.

Operation Rocker is one way to help so they can continue to help military families. The program Homes on the Homefront, which Operation Rocker supports, has also awarded nearly 600 mortgage-free homes as well as providing over $48 million in deeded value to veterans and their families. Other programs include the Fisher House, United Through Reading, The Legion Fund and more.

Last year, over 700 rockers were purchased during this program. Cracker Barrel and the Cracker Barrel Old Country Store Foundation together contributed over $430,000 to Operation Homefront through both monetary and in-kind donations. To kick off this year, they awarded a $50,000 grant to Operation Homefront.

Head on over to the Cracker Barrel website and buy a rocker for you or that special person in your life. Doing so is a way to give back to veterans and you can enjoy the benefits of having a rocker on your porch too.

There He Goes Again

by

There He Goes AgainThere He Goes Again

There he goes again. Always leaving. Always working hard.

I will never get used to seeing him go. I will never not tear up when I think of it. I will never have to say goodbye without that moment causing me pain. But I know he has to go.

As a military spouse, I know that this life means that sometimes he will be far away from us. That we will have to watch him walk away. With his uniform on and his gear at his side.

There he goes again even though it feels like he just came home. Even if I wanted him to stay a bit longer. Even if I wanted him to be here with us instead.

When he signed the paperwork to do this, I stood by not knowing what it all meant. I knew there would be distance, but I didn’t know how badly that could hurt. I knew there would be pain, but I didn’t know the pain wouldn’t get easier as the years went by.

There he goes again. This time to fight a different battle.

This time in a different country. Going somewhere I could never visit. Going to a place I never thought he would ever go.

As I watch him walk away, I think of everything we have been through. Are these all the years that we get? Is this where our story ends? I don’t want to think that, but I can’t help it. I know how dangerous his job can be.

There he goes again. Into the unknown. Into the wild. As I watch him walk away, I wonder who I will be when he returns. I sure hope I am stronger but right now all I feel is weakness.

As I turn to my children, I realize how hard all this is going to be for them. They have to say goodbye to their father again. One more time. They have to do without when other kids don’t. That isn’t fair, but that is a part of this life.

There he goes again. Serving his country. Taking up the fight for freedom. Responding to his orders. Is he the type that could stay home when others go to fight? No, he is the type to go, even when he doesn’t want to leave us.

Oh how much our children will grow when he is gone. They will have birthdays that he will miss and we will never get that time back. They will start at a new school, make new friends, and life will go on for them. Even through missing him.

There He Goes Again

There he goes again. Just like I knew he would have to.

From the moment I heard the news he was going, I knew this day would come. With tears in my eyes, I hugged and kissed him goodbye. I told him I would write; he told me he loved me.

Oh, how I wish this were not a part of our life. Our military life. But it is. Oh, how I wish this were easier. Sometimes I think the next time will be, but saying goodbye doesn’t work like that.

The time apart is what it is. When he goes, I try to stay busy and cross off those days on the calendar. I will send care packages and go to FRG meetings and know that deployments eventually end. I will remember how I got through the last deployment and remember that this one is supposed to be shorter.

There he goes again, as military spouses we will say this over and over again. And each time we will shed our tears and stand tall. Because we have to. Because we love them. Because we love our country.

And through it all, we will take what we learn, apply it to our future and know that we got this, no matter how hard it seems, no matter how long they are gone, no matter what else military life brings our way. 

Looking for more blog posts about surviving a deployment?

I Can’t Cope Without My Husband But I Am a Military Spouse So I Have To

by

I Can't Cope Without My Husband But I Am a Military Spouse So I Have To

I Can’t Cope Without My Husband But I Am a Military Spouse So I Have To

I woke up this morning to see the article, I Can’t Cope Without My Husband, And I’m Comfortable Admitting That. Honestly? My first reaction was, “Really? I can’t either, but I do it anyway because I have to because my husband is in the military and how dare you even complain about your husband being away for a weekend.” And then I thought, “If your spouse was in the military too, you would be able to cope just like I have because that is what we military spouses HAVE to do, even if we sometimes feel like we can’t cope without them too.”

I read the comments. I know, you are not supposed to read the comments, but I did. Some were showing compassion for the woman, others not as much. Some were military spouses upset that she couldn’t handle a weekend away, others telling these spouses it isn’t a competition and that we should show the writer compassion.

The truth is, this is all so complicated.

This woman, she suffers from depression, anxiety, and ADHD and she is having a hard time. I totally get that. I can understand too that for the non-military spouse, a weekend away is going to be a lot harder than it is for us milspouses. They are not used to this type of thing. Their spouse didn’t sign up for a job that would take them away. I get all of that. So to the writer of that piece, I do offer you compassion. I am sorry it is so hard when your spouse is away, I truly am. If you were a friend of mine, I would tell you that you can get through this, you can and that you are not alone in your feelings.

At the same time, we also have to recognize that there are military spouses that feel the same way she does. Some military spouses suffer from depression. Some military spouses suffer from anxiety. Some military spouses suffer from ADHD and more. Some spouses feel that coping without their husband is not something they can do.

But then, deployment orders get cut. Training begins. Drill weekends show up, and we spouses have to do it. We have to say goodbye. We have to cope without our husbands. We could be suffering just as much, but we don’t have a choice, we have to keep going.

We spend months, sometimes over a year as a solo parent. Sometimes a two-week training can put us over the age if it comes at a difficult time.

We give birth without our husband, and sometimes they just don’t get to come and be with us on that day. We say goodbye to our spouses with a newborn in our hand and a toddler at our leg. We plan our child’s high school graduation party, inviting our in-laws, knowing our child’s father won’t be in the crowd.

The truth is, whether we feel like this woman or not, we still have to find a way to get through life without our husbands by our side. I know my husband makes my life easier. I am a worry wart, and he balances that out. I love talking about my day with him. If we have trouble with the kids, he can be there. But when he is gone, when he isn’t available, I struggle. Some days are easier than others.

Over the years I have learned how to cope without my husband.

You see, for the first three years of our marriage, he was not in the military. We were not away from each other. When we first started talking about him re-joining the Army, I didn’t think I could do that. We had a child together. How would I be able to handle being a solo parent while he was away? I couldn’t do that. I needed him. We were a team.

But here is the truth. My husband is a soldier. He is. It’s in his blood. No, when I met him he was not active duty. But I could still tell he was a soldier. So when he re-enlisted in 2005, I knew it was the right thing to do. When he came home from drill a few months ago, wanting to re-enlist, I knew it was the right thing to do. Even though, after all these years, I sometimes feel like I can’t cope without him. Even though my anxiety goes through the roof when he is gone, even though being a solo parenting has been so tough over the years.

I think that in life, there is always someone who has it worse than us and always someone that has it easier.

I envy my friends who have never had to spend more than a week or two away from their spouses. I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if that had been the case for us? But it wasn’t.

So to anyone, military spouse or not that feels like they can not cope without their spouse, know that you are not alone in feeling this way. Whether you are about to drop your husband of five years off for basic training or your husband of 15 years has to visit their mom for two weeks without you. Whoever you are, whatever you are dealing with, seek out all the help you can get. Rely on your friends. Find your tribe. See a counselor. Don’t be ashamed. Let others know that you need a little more help.

Because at the end of the day, we each have our struggles. We each have things that are hard to deal with that we feel others won’t understand. We each have nights where we cry ourselves to sleep and mornings where we are not sure how we will make it to dinnertime, let alone bedtime.

And while it is way too easy to compare our struggles, way too easy to feel like we have the worst possible situation, we take comfort in knowing that we are not alone, that we can find others who get it and that someday life won’t be as hard.

Do you struggle with feeling like you can’t cope without your spouse? What do you do to make life easier when you feel that way?

To the Military Spouse Who is Solo Parenting for the First Time

by

To the Military Spouse Who is Solo Parenting for the First TimeTo the Military Spouse Who is Solo Parenting for the First Time

My son was 13 months old when my husband left for Germany to start his Army career, leaving us behind in Kentucky to join him as soon as possible. Other than a trip to my parent’s house when my son was five months old, my husband had always been around to co-parent with me. Then he was gone, across the ocean and I became a solo parent.

I was lucky. At that time I would put my son down at 7 pm and he would sleep until 7 am. However, I couldn’t sleep and would finally close my eyes around 3 am every morning. On four hours of sleep, I had to be both mom and dad. I got burned out very quickly. After 4.5 months of this, we joined my husband in Germany. But my solo parenting days were far from over.

Over the next few years, my husband deployed or was away at training. For months at a time, it was just me with the boys. The longest we went without seeing him was 11 months. That was rough. These days I am still a solo parent with drill weekends and training. And there could always be another deployment in our future.

 

When your spouse is in the military, you will have to be the solo parent sometimes.

Maybe just for a few weeks, other times for a few months and if you “get lucky” for over a year. The truth is, when you become a solo parent, you have this strong belief that this isn’t the way things were supposed to be. Your spouse was not meant to miss your son’s first birthday. Your spouse was supposed to be there on their first day of kindergarten. They were supposed to be there to help with bedtimes and soccer games and birthday parties.

When you are married to a service member, they are going to miss those things, and that is going to hurt.

But as a military spouse, you figure out how to make solo parenting work. How to be three places at once, how to say no more often, how to let the little things go and how to make a fantastic dinner of mac and cheese with a side of cereal.

You learn how putting the kids to bed a little earlier will give you some time to take a bubble bath, one that you might need after a long day. You learn to befriend others who get this life and ignore those who don’t. You learn that you are so much stronger and can do so much more than you ever thought you could.

So, to the military spouse who is solo parenting for the first time, there are things you can do to make life a bit easier!

Take things one day at a time

Take everything you are going through one day at a time. Sometimes you might have to take things one hour at a time. That’s okay. Solo parenting is no picnic and most likely getting through the months you have to do it is going to be challenging. But try not to think about how long they will be gone and work through each day as it comes.

Find mom friends

Mom friends are a must when you are solo parenting. Find other moms who are going through deployments too. Make plans to get together on a regular basis. Let your kids play together. This will keep you busy and will give you people who understand what you are going through.

Find playgroups

Play groups are going to be your weekly lifesaver. You can take your kids out to do something fun, to keep them busy and you can make some friends of your own. Playgroups could be the only time of day when you can do something fun outside the house with such small children. MOPS is also a great place to go if you have a MOPS group in your area.

Say no, it’s okay

When you are solo parenting, you might want to say “no” a little more often. And it’s okay to do so. You are not superwomen. You can’t do everything. Your kids need to come first. So figure out what works for them as well as your emotional needs and feel free to say no if there is just too much going on.

Remember, this is temporary

No matter how long a deployment is, it will be temporary, and your spouse will be home again with you and your children. This is hard to remember sometimes, but if you can put the deployment in perspective, that can be helpful.

How do you get through times of solo parenting?

22 Tips for a Better Military Spouse Life

by 1 Comment

22 Tips for a Better Military Spouse Life

22 Tips for a Better Military Spouse Life

Are you a new military spouse? Maybe you have been living this life for a few years now? Maybe your husband is about to hit 20 years? No matter where you are in your military spouse journey, there are certain tips that can help you along the way. Certain things to remember so that you have a better overall experience.

Here is a list of 22 tips to help you have a better military spouse life-

1. Take it a day at a time- You will find that in your military life journey you will have bad days, especially when your spouse is away. Take these days one day at a time. Try not to look at all the days you will have to get through. Sometimes that can be too overwhelming.

2. Sometimes you will need to take it an hour at a time- Sometimes you will have to take things an hour at a time. This is especially true through during the first or last weeks of a deployment.

3. Don’t forget about you- When your spouse joins the military, it can be easy to feel like you don’t matter anymore. That you are just there to support your spouse. But you are much more than that. Don’t forget about yourself and what you need. That is important as well.

4. You are much stronger than you think- During your time as a military spouse you will go through situations you never thought you would be able to. I never thought I could make it through a 15-month deployment but I did. I never thought I could handle having a baby without my husband but I did. You will surprise yourself about what you can get through that you didn’t think you were able to do before.

5. Look at the calendar differently- Sometimes you will celebrate holidays and birthdays later on than you normally would. That is okay. If your spouse has to be away for Christmas, celebrate the holiday early. If they are going to miss your anniversary, celebrate when they get home. The calendar looks different to us military spouses and that is okay.

6. Learn about your bills & how to budget- If you don’t already know about what bills to pay and when they are due, you need to find out. You will need to be the main person in charge of paying the bills. Or at least know how to do it. Why? Because sometimes your spouse will not be able to. They could be deployed or somewhere where they could not do anything with your finances. You will need to know how to pay the bills and how to budget so that you can make the best of the money you and your spouse make.

7. POA is your best friend- POAs are a must. You can get your Power of Attorney on post through JAG or through a lawyer. Consider getting special POAs for situations that might come up.

8. Find good battle buddies- You need some good friends in your military life. Friends that can help you through the hard days and friends you can make memories with through the good ones.

9. Be a good friend- You should also be a good friend to others. Be there for people and be a listening ear. Sometimes all someone needs is someone to talk to.

10. Be flexible- Flexible is going to have to become your middle name when you are a military spouse. You can’t always plan on anything happening the way you want it to. You will have to adjust.

11. Stay away from drama if you can- Drama is going to happen at some point in your military life, trust me. Drama can happen in your neighborhood, in a group you are in or even on the soccer field. Do your best to stay away from drama and confront it if you need to. Walking away from the drama is also a good choice.

12. Ask questions- If you don’t understand something, ask questions. Ask a friend, your FRG or even your husband. You won’t always get an answer but asking is helpful to learn more about this military life.

13. Be wary of rumors- Rumors are going to happen. Rumors about deployments, rumors about redeployment, rumors about the Command. Just keep in mind a rumor could be half true or not true at all. Just keep that in mind when you hear something that isn’t fact.

14. Have a backup plan- Having a backup plan is a good idea. You might even need a backup plan for your back up plan. You never know when things will change and you might have to abandon your first plan.

15. Follow your own dreams as much as you can- Did you always want to do something as a career? Don’t be afraid to follow your dreams as much as possible. This is sometimes harder to do depending on your spouse’s career but if you are creative you can make things happen.

16. Don’t be afraid to be you- Be who you are. The military spouse world is made up of a lot of different types of spouses. Be you and find your tribe.

17. Lower your expectations- Sometimes lowering your expectations a little bit can help with your frustration levels. Talking to your spouse every day when they are deployed might not be possible and expecting to be able to can make life really hard. Just try to lower expectations a little bit to help cut down on your frustrations.

18. Get involved in the military community- Get involved. Join a club, go to post events or visit the FRG. You never know who you might meet or what kind of experience you could have.

19. Don’t be afraid to ask for help- Sometimes asking for help is difficult but don’t feel bad if you need to do so. Sometimes a short Facebook post can result in many helping hands.

20. Say No- Know that if you feel like you have too much on your plate, it is okay to say no. You don’t always have to say yes.

21. Say Yes- Sometimes we can get in a rut where we don’t want to do anything. Where you just want to stay home and chill. Try to put yourself out there if you find you are in a funk and need a way to get out of it. Say yes to something new. You might really enjoy yourself.

22. Write love letters- Write love letters. Send them to your spouse. Have fun with them and enjoy being able to write to each other in this way. Most likely when your spouse comes home you will not write these types of letters anymore.

How long have you been a military spouse? What advice would you give?