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What To Do When Your Spouse Gets Last Minute Deployment Orders

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What To Do When Your Spouse Gets Last Minute Deployment Orders

Deployments are a part of life for the military spouse. Although you might go a few years in between, you are usually not surprised when you find out your spouse is going to have to go on one. Usually, you have some time to prepare. Some people know even a year before the deployment, most people find out with a few months to prepare.

What To Do When Your Spouse Gets Last Minute Deployment Orders

Every once in a while, a deployment gets scheduled at the last minute. As you are working on planning your summer, you could find out that your husband has to deploy in early June. After booking a trip home for Christmas, you find out your spouse is going to be deployed two weeks before. A last minute deployment can knock the wind out of you but know you will be able to handle what is to come.

Here is what you can do when your spouse gets last minute deployment orders:

 

  • Breathe- When you first hear that your spouse is actually going to deploy, you will feel like your heart has stopped. You might be thinking about how he wasn’t supposed to go or how he had just returned home not too long before. You might be thinking about what he was going to miss and feeling like you needed more time to prepare for this news. This is all normal. Deployments are no joke but remember to breathe. Take some time for yourself to adjust to the news. Go for a run, write in your journal or talk with a friend. Getting used to the idea of a deployment takes time and if they received last-minute deployment orders, you won’t have much time to adjust to what is about to happen.
  • Cry- If you need to cry, do so. It really is okay. A lot of people need to cry it out in order to accept what is to come. I know that is how I cope with these types of things. Crying is how I can get my pain out and how I can focus on the next step. If you first reaction to a deployment is to cry into your spouse’s arms, do so. That doesn’t mean you don’t support them. It just means you are having a hard time with the news and you will need to figure out how you can get through it.
  • Plan- Planning for a deployment is important, even if you only have a few days to do so. Look at how long they are supposed to be gone and make a plan for each month. Focus on you and your family. You will want to stay busy during the deployment and doing so requires a little bit of planning. If you can, plan a fun trip halfway through or even a party to celebrate that you have made it that far through the deployment.
  • Think of the positives- Every deployment has positives. You might have to look hard for them but they are there. Were you in need of a new car? Maybe the deployment pay can help with that. Saving for a house? Deployment pay can help you get into one faster. Think about the benefits of a deployment and focus on those. More time to read, more time to work out and fewer clothes to wash each week.
  • Connect- Find other military spouses to connect with. This will help with the deployment and accept that it is actually coming. If you know any of the other spouses that will also be dealing with this deployment too, make a plan for a lunch or dinner before or right after the deployment starts. Getting through a deployment will be easier with friends by your side. You will also need people to help support you while your spouse is gone.

deployment support

No one wants a last minute deployment but they can happen. If this has happened to you, know that you can get through this just like you would if you had more time. In some ways, not having as long to worry about the deployment could be a blessing in the end.

Has your spouse received last minute deployment orders? How did you handle that?

Mistakes You Might Make As A New Military Spouse

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Mistakes You Might Make As A New Military Spouse

I was 26 years old when I became a military spouse. Other spouses were a lot younger and some were even older when they joined this life. No matter how old you were when you became a military family, there is going to be a learning curve. You won’t be able to understand how everything works right away. You might make some mistakes. It’s bound to happen.

Over my time as a military spouse, I have made some mistakes too. Figuring out how the military works takes time.

Mistakes You Might Make As A New Military Spouse

 

Here are a few examples of mistakes you might make as a new military spouse…

Going Over His Chain Of Command- Going over your husband’s chain of command is a big no-no. You don’t want to do that. Doing so will upset people and could come down to your own husband getting in trouble. There will be plenty of times when a command comes down and you will want your husband to do something about it. Usually, they can’t. Remember that there is a chain of command for a reason. Be respectful of it.

The Military Has To Come First- The military has to come first most of the time. Your spouse will have to go where the military sends them. It doesn’t really matter that you are going to have a baby in the middle of a deployment. You can ask for him to be sent home but know that no one has to make that happen for you. This is one of the hardest things to learn about military life. A good Command will try to help families when they can but because of the mission that isn’t always possible.

Not Trying to Make Friends- You are in a new place trying to get used to your new life. It can be way too easy to stay at home and not try to get out there and make friends. See what you can do to get out of your house and go to places where you can make friends. Doing this might be scary, especially if you are shy. But I have learned that putting yourself out there will eventually make you friends. Even if it takes a long time. Find things you would enjoy doing anyway and keep trying. Military spouse life is better with friends.

The Toll- Sometimes it is hard to understand the toll that military life can take on you. As a wife. As a mother. As a woman. As a human. There will be a lot of situations that you will have to go through that will seem impossible when you first hear about them. You need to try to take care of yourself. You need to find ways to smile even if your spouse is gone. To enjoy life even when life is stressful. Remember that military life can take a toll but the experiences you will go through will also help make you stronger.

Letting The Fear Overtake you- There is a lot to be fearful of during military life. Even more so when they are deployed in a war zone. Don’t let that fear overtake you. The reality is, something could happen to your spouse. However, if you live in fear about that happening every day, you will go crazy. You need to figure out a way to keep your fear in check. That could be different for each person. Some people will find comfort from their religion. Others will have a good friend they can go to and talk about what they are scared of. Figure out how you can handle the fear and don’t let it overtake you.

No one is a perfect military spouse. You will make mistakes along the way. But you can learn from them. Your military life is a journey. One in which you will always be growing and learning along the way. Do the best that you can, learn what you can and you will find that you will slowly start to figure everything out.

Leave me a comment and let me know what mistakes you have made when you first became a military spouse?

5 Tips to Help Celebrate Your Marriage During a Deployment

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5 Tips to Help Celebrate Your Marriage During a Deployment

5 Tips to Help Celebrate Your Marriage During a Deployment

It was our 5th anniversary. I woke up that morning and something was different, something was off. We had spent our 1st anniversary on a weekend getaway, our 2nd, 3rd and 4th we had a nice dinner together. But this was number 5. That’s a big deal when you are newly married. 5 years is longer than high school or college and gives you enough time to look back on where you have been. But this anniversary was going to be different. He was deployed. He was in Iraq and we would not be spending it together.

I knew that in order to have a good day I would have to make it so. We would not be going on any trips or going out to dinner. We wouldn’t be going to the movies or a play or even just spending the day together. No, this anniversary would be different.

I decided to order a steak dinner from a local restaurant and have the food delivered after my little boys went to bed. I ate the dinner sitting in front of the computer waiting for my husband to come online. Celebrating your anniversary this way is normal for a military spouse.

Anniversaries are there to celebrate your marriage. You celebrate the time you have had together. To look at the past and look forward to the future. Celebrating your marriage is important. Whether you have only been married a year or for fifty years.

But how do you celebrate your marriage when they are deployed or away at a training? How do you celebrate when your heart aches for them? What can you do to feel closer?

Here are some ideas on how to celebrate your marriage during a deployment…

1. Write love letters- Love letters are the best. You could write your husband a love letter about how much you celebrate your marriage. Talk about when you first got married and your hopes for the future. You can pour out your heart on pretty stationary and mail it off to him. You can send him a series of letters or even a funny card.

2. Make a scrapbook- There is nothing better than going through old photos and looking back on previous memories during your marriage. You can take some time and put together a scrapbook for your deployed spouse. You could keep it simple and just put photos in an album or you could use stickers, cute paper and add a bit of journaling to the book. You could also make a book on a website like Shutterfly.

3. Send a care package- Put together a special anniversary care package. You can decorate the box however you want and include some of your favorite items. Think about what your spouse would love to see in a love themed package from you.

4. Have a Skype date- Planning when they will be online might be difficult but if you can plan for a special Skype date on your anniversary, go for it. You could sit and talk over dinner. You could plan to watch the same movie at the same time or just enjoy being able to see each other on the video. You could also do this over the phone instead. This is not going to replace a real date but it’s the best way to spend time together when you are miles apart.

5. Make plans for after the deployment- If you can’t celebrate your marriage during the deployment, make plans to do so after. You could plan a special trip or even just a meal at a nice restaurant. You can always celebrate your anniversary later. There is no rule that it has to be on that day. We have been able to celebrate our anniversaries months later by making a plan for a getaway when we were able to after a deployment.

Leave a comment and let me know how you have celebrated your marriage during a deployment. Have you done anything special and creative?

What You Should Never Say To A Military Spouse

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What You Should Never Say To A Military Spouse

I love the military spouse community. In my local area and online. I love all the supportive people I have met over the years. I love how we can help each other out. The truth is, a lot of us can feel lost in the sea of separations, losing friends and the hardships that military life can bring.

We don’t always have good days and sometimes we really just need someone to listen and help us get through the struggle.

What You Should Never Say To A Military Spouse

 

Some spouses are quite lonely and can’t imagine how we are going to get through the next few months.

Some spouses struggle with depression and anxiety. To be alone in the house is terrifying. Yet, they married a soldier. Someone who will deploy. Someone who will not always be home.

Some spouses are homesick and miss having a group of friends. They are having a hard time finding a new friend group. And yet, here they are, on the eve of a deployment, unsure about how they are going to get through the 9 months he will be away.

Some spouses lost a parent or a child and are finding life more difficult than usual.

Some spouses are just sad about how things are going and what’s ahead for them. Military life can be scary.

Some spouses have been through several deployments already and they are tired and want a break. One that will not come because of trainings and more deployments in the future.

Some spouses are struggling with their marriages and can’t figure out how to get things to a better place.

Some spouses are having a hard time with their children. Children who are missing their father so much they act out and those with special needs that are missing the support that the other parent in the home brings.

These spouses need support. They need love. They need kind suggestions. They do not need harsh words. They do not need to feel less than or that something is wrong with them for missing their husband a little too much. They do not need to feel like bad moms because they don’t feel like they are getting this solo parenting thing down.

Over the years I have heard phrases that make me cringe. Comments from other military spouses that should not be said. Comments that sting and create a divide in the military world.

So as a community, this is what you should never say to a military spouse!

“Well, you knew what you signed up for.” Actually, no one knows this. Each military career is different depending on different factors. Each spouse handles things in different ways. You never know what you are signing up for.

“Why are you complaining? At least your deployment is only 9 months instead of 12.” Oh, the deployment comparison game we like to play. It’s easy to do. Your friend is upset about a shorter deployment and you wish your spouse could only be gone for that amount of time. I get that. But we simply don’t have to say anything to that friend. We don’t. Telling someone that they should be happy their spouse is only gone for X amount of time is not helpful.

“I wish my husband would deploy.” Sigh…yes, we get it. Some people do want their spouse to deploy. I do believe that is valid. But it should probably not be said to a spouse whose husband does deploy a lot or is going through a deployment. To a spouse who would give anything for her husband to not deploy.

“Dependa anything” Do I need to say more? Is this even a word? Who even started using it? Please just stop with this term. It’s insulting.

We need to remember that not everyone is going to handle military life the same way. We are all going through something, whether we admit what that is to people or not. We all have a story to tell. What is easy for one person is going to be more difficult for others.

As a military community, we need to come together and help support the struggling military spouse.

Help them get through her current struggle. Let her know we are there for her and we get it. Because like it or not, we are in this together. We are the people who stand behind those who serve our great country. We are the ones they miss and the ones they come home to. We can be supportive and we can be the help someone needs to get through everything military life throws at her.

Have you ever seen We Were Soldiers? The DVD has a deleted scene that I have always loved. The deleted scene is all the wives in the church while their husbands are fighting in Vietnam. What I love about this scene is it is the perfect example of spouses being there for each other. One of the wives was to sing a song in front of the church and just couldn’t do it. What did the other spouses do? They started singing with her. I love this because this act is a small example of military spouses being there for one another, the way that we should be.

How can you support other military spouses?

 

Do Military Spouses Have To Be SAHMs?

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Visit any military community and you are going to find plenty of SAHMs. From women that have always wanted to be one to those that simply can’t find a job in their field or can’t find a job that would pay enough for child care. With the busy schedule that comes with the career of someone in the military, it only makes sense to be a stay at home mom, right? If you marry someone in the military, you need to give up your own career to stay home with your children, right?

Wrong.

Do Military Spouses Have To Be SAHMs?

Although there are a lot of SAHMs military spouses and I have been one of them, not all military spouses want to be SAHMs or have ever been one. They have careers and work hard to bring in their own income. Some spouses work from home in order to have the flexibility to move their career around with them.

Some spouses work hard to find the right job at every duty station. Other spouses are in school, planning for when military life is over. And others take on their role as an SAHM and do wonderful things with it.

No, military spouses do not have to be SAHMs, even though some of them are. Yes, they can work outside the home or at home and create their own careers. As a spouse, you need to figure out what you want and what is going to work best for your situation.

You know your family and what you can personally handle. Some people thrive leaving the house at 7am and getting home at 6pm after a day at work, other people would fall apart if they had to have that type of schedule.

If you are a SAHM spouse and you enjoy it, keep going. You are doing great things.

If you are a SAHM spouse and wish you were doing something else, start looking for what that is today. Look into college classes and job openings and WAHM ideas. Think about what you like to do and what you are good at and go from there. You might end up in a field you would never have thought about.

If you need to be a SAHM for a small period of time, do it. If you want to work outside the home and can’t seem to find a job in your field, don’t give up. Keep looking and find resources to help you find the job that you want. Here are some links that can point you in the right direction:

Being married to someone in the military requires sacrifice and sometimes that means the spouse’s career. That does not mean a spouse has to give up who they are what they want to do. It just might look a little different than it would otherwise.

I am in such awe of what I have heard other military spouses do with their careers while married to a member of the military. From starting home businesses to continuing their law or teaching careers even though they are moving state to state. Military spouses can be anything, do anything, they just have to figure out what will work best for their own situation.

What about you? Are you a SAHM? Do you have a different goal? What are you working on right now?

Why You Should Live In Military Housing At Least Once

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Why You Should Live In Military Housing At Least Once

When we went in to talk to a recruiter back in 2005, one of the things he told us that has always stuck with me was the advice to live in Military housing at least once. Being so new to the Military I really didn’t know what to expect. Our first duty station together was in Germany and it only made sense to live on post there.

We arrived in March of 2006 (can’t believe that was almost ten years ago) and moved into Army housing. They put us on the 3rd floor of a stairwell apartment in an older building that was very European. We got lucky because our unit had been redone recently and we had our own washer and dryer in our bathroom. For the units that didn’t, they had to do their wash in the basement. Our apartment was small and was on the 3rd floor but it seemed perfect to us at the time. At least, until we had another baby.

One of my first memories of Military housing was hearing two wives talk with each other across the road. It was loud and I couldn’t believe they were doing that. There were also a lot of parties late into the night and a lot of noise. I was not new to apartment living but Military housing was so different then anything else I had experienced.

There are good things about living in Military housing and bad things about living in Military housing. There are many benefits that I missed after we lived off post. There are other things I was glad to leave behind. Overall, I think the recruiter’s advice was right on. It is a good idea to live on post at least once. Why?

Why?

To be surrounded by the Military Community

When you live in Military housing, you will be surrounded by other Military families. Your kids will go to school with our Military kids. You will be more likely to shop at the PX and Commissary on a regular basis. You will get a good feeling for the Military community. This will stay with you for the rest of your time as a Military Spouse and that is a good thing. It will allow you to feel a part of everything even if you decide to live off post in the future.

To meet other Military families on a daily basis

Because you will be on post you will always be meeting new Military families. If you see a moving truck in your neighborhood, you don’t have to wonder if they are Military or not. It is easier for you to attend events on post and there you will continue to meet other people. If you are in need of more Military friends, living on post is the way to go. You will always be meeting people associated with the Military.

To know how a Military post works

One thing you will learn after living on a Military post is how it works. You will hear Reveille and Retreat in the morning and evening and will know what to do when you hear it. Your kids will know what to do. After living off post, I realized we are not usually on post when that happens and I miss hearing it. You will get used to watching the service members run around post during PT or going for a lunch break. You will get used to all of this during your time in Military housing and it will be nice to look back on that time with good memories.

To make life a little easier during deployments

Deployments are usually easier if you live on post vs off. This isn’t always the case of course but there is something to be said about living around people whose spouse is also deployed or who have been through it before. When we were in Schweinfurt, our first duty station, almost everyone there had their husband deployed at the same time. This mean we had more people to walk through the deployment with. It was something our whole community went through together. My deployments when we have lived off post were different and I just didn’t feel as connected to others going through the same thing.

If you are not sure if you should live on post or not, think about the benefits and how doing so can help you understand the Military and Military life in general. Some people do have really good experiences off post as well. It really depends on what you are comfortable with and what you want to experience as well as where you are stationed.

In the end, I would tell you to live in Military housing if you get the chance. If you hate it, you never have to do it again but at least, you will have had that experience.

 

Have you ever lived in Military housing? Did you like it? Hate it?

 

All The Time He Has Missed During Military Life

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All The Time He Has Missed During Military Life

15 Months

11 Months

5.5 Months

6.5 Months

= 38 months or 3 years, 2 months.

This is how long my husband was gone on deployments. This does not count any of the other times he has been gone for non-deployment reasons.

WOW! Almost 3.5 years? I can’t even wrap my mind around that. I can’t. Looking back, we got through it. Sometimes just one hour at a time but we did it.

Sometimes I still break down over what he missed.

He missed so much. He kissed our 3-week old boy goodbye after meeting him just 2 weeks earlier and he did not see him again until he was almost one. He missed the whole first year of his life. That is a lot of time. If you have a baby, you know how different a 3 week old is from an 11-month-old. You know everything they go through in that time. All the stages and changes. My husband got to experience all of that through photos. That’s it. Just photos.

He said to me once that it was a weird feeling. Knowing you had a son out there that you loved but didn’t know at all. That broke my heart.

Was it worth it? I don’t know. I really don’t.

I don’t like to think about that. I don’t want to think about the politics of why he was there because it hurts too much. He joined the Army and did his job and THAT is why he was gone.

He has missed so much and for an involved father like him, I can’t even imagine what that would be like. I have been away from my boys for 10 days at the longest and I was SO ready to get back to them.

His first deployment was 15 months long. It was extended. It should have been shorter. He came home for R&R to be with me for the birth of our child but got there a few days late. That was okay. I was able to handle that but I knew I wanted him there for any future babies we were going to have. I didn’t want to have to give birth without my husband again.

To add to things, my husband didn’t join the Army until our oldest son was 13 months old. He didn’t miss anything with him. He was there for the pregnancy, the labor, the birth, the newborn months, watching him learn to roll, to sit, to stand.

What has your spouse missed during Military Life that really bothered you? What did you do to deal with it?

Knowing that he got to experience that with my now 11-year-old and not with the 9-year-old still makes me tear up.

I think about the wives of soldiers during WW2. My Grandpa was gone for three years. They didn’t have kids at the time but other soldiers did. Can you imagine leaving you 2-year-old and seeing them again when they were 5? With only letters to get by? I can’t. That makes what we went through seem a lot easier.

I know we can’t beat ourselves up for all that he missed. We just can’t. It comes with Military life. It is normal for them to miss things. Other Military spouses get it. They have been through it as well. They understand how hard it can be too.

There are things you can do to make the distance a little easier. You can talk on video chat, send a lot of photos, talk on the phone, send care packages, etc. But at the end of the day, it is not the same as having them live in the same house with you and your children day after day.

As a Military spouse, you have to come to a place of accepting that your spouse will miss part of your kid’s childhood. You can’t always plan when they will be home. You can’t make sure that they will be there when you have a baby, when your child walks for the first time, when they start Kindergarten or when they graduate from high school. You might have to be there without them, take a few videos and some photos and share them with your spouse that way. You accept all of this as a part of Military life.

You can hope and pray that they won’t miss too many important things. They will be home sometimes. They will not be gone for all of their Military careers. Remember that when you feel frustrated about how much they have missed.

Think about the times you have had together, the experiences you have had because you are a Military family and the good that can come from standing by your spouse as they go through their Military career.

What has your spouse missed during Military Life that really bothered you? What did you do to deal with it?

Why Military Spouses Can’t Just Put Down Their Smart Phone

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Military spouses and smart phones

Why Military Spouses Can’t Just Put Down Their Smart Phone

If you are on social media at all you know that there are quite a few articles going around about being on our cell phones too much. How we need to put them down, hide them, ignore them. While there is some good advice there, my first thought is usually something like, “Well, try being a Military spouse.”

Between having kids in school, having a husband who is gone a lot and making money online using my phone to do so, I will not be putting my phone down anytime soon. My phone is my lifeline and I really haven’t always had it. I didn’t even get a smart phone until 2011.

There are many reasons why people say we shouldn’t always have a phone in our hands, but Military spouses, NEED to have a phone in their hands.

Why? Because…

Our spouses live in our phone.

When your husband is gone and you only get to talk to them on the phone or over video chat, they live in your phone. That is your relationship. You are not going to be able to walk away from your phone for long. If you do, what happens if they call? You will miss the call. That is a hard thing to deal with. When we were in Germany, I only heard from my husband on the landline. That meant that I could not get his calls when I was out. It would kill me to come home to a message knowing I missed his call. For later deployments I didn’t have to worry about that. It was SO nice to know I wouldn’t miss his call just because we were out doing something. So no, I am not going to put my phone down so I miss his call.

Our friends live in our phone.

Military spouse friends move away. Then they live in our phones, they live on Facebook and that is where our relationship is. I have a handful of friends I will text or message throughout the day. It keeps us connected and makes it seem like they are not quite as far away. When you are having a bad deployment day, it can be helpful to pick up your phone and text a friend or check out their photos on Facebook. It makes you feel better and can keep your mind off of missing your husband.

Our family lives in our phone.

Only a small amount of Military families live close to their own family. Most of us live far enough away that the phone is the way we communicate with them. I will text or message my own family several times during the week. It is a great way to keep in touch and not lose contact with one another. Sometimes my family will Facetime me and it is fun to do that with them.

I hate phone shaming in general.

Yes it is possible to be on your phone too much, to ignore people while you are on it and to get sucked into the online world, but overall, a smart phone adds to your life.

So, Military spouse, don’t feel badly if you always have your phone on you. You need it. You rely on it. It is a tool you are using to make your life a little easier. No one should shame you for it. If they are, they just don’t get it so don’t let them bother you.

 

 

 

 

Military Spouses Serve Their Country Too

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Military Spouses Serve Their Country Too

There is a debate going on about whether Military Spouses serve too. The question is, serve what?

Serve in the Military? No, unless they too have actually enlisted.

Serve their country? Yes, totally.

When your spouse is in the Military, it is not just a job but also a lifestyle.

Maybe this is because my first duty station as an Army wife was in Germany. Overseas things are a little different then stateside. People can’t live as separate of a life as they can in the states. When you have to depend on the local Military post for American foods, your mail, your car, etc, it is a lot harder to stay away from the Military as a whole. Stateside you don’t have to depend on the Military post for as much.

When my husband re-enlisted in 2005, everything changed. I realized this right away when I had zero control about what was going to happen to us. He went over to Germany and I had to wait behind in the states until the Army finished all the paperwork that needed to be done for me to join him. At the time I thought I had some control but I found out that I didn’t. If someone who was supposed to sign our paperwork went on a two-week vacation, we just had to wait.

Deployments

You can’t control those either. Sometimes things can happen such as a soldier staying behind because you are having a baby. That was part of the reason my husband didn’t leave for his third deployment earlier, I was due one month after his year at home was over. We were not so lucky with baby #2 because he had to leave when I was 25 weeks pregnant and came home for R&R when he was born, missing the birth by 3 days. It really just depends on the Command and what they want to allow you to do.

I have been the wife of a soldier and the wife of someone working a regular job and there is a world a difference.

So back to the question, does the Military spouse serve her country?

If you are serving your country, you can do so in different ways. Standing by your Military spouse is one way to do that. Being there for them whether they are deployed or at home. When orders say it is time to move across the country, you do it. Understanding that the Military comes first and they can’t just call their boss to change things around. The Military is the one pillar in your life you have to work around. It isn’t flexible and if your spouse is making it a career, you have to figure out how you can handle it for the long haul.

Some years will be easier than others. Some deployments will be easier than others. Some duty stations will be easier than others.

Spouses serve in so many different ways. It’s a different type of serving than those who are serving IN the Military. We don’t have to see any battles, we don’t have to put on a uniform, we don’t have to say goodbye to our families for months at a time. We don’t have to put our lives in danger.

We serve in different ways. We serve our families and our communities. We strive to make things better, even in the simple ways. We are the support our spouse needs when they are home and away. We help make it possible for those with families to keep serving their country and it is nice to acknowledge that.

What do you think? Does it bother you if someone thanks you for serving too?