Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

military wife

How To Stay Married When The Military Is In Charge

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How To Stay Married When The Military Is In Charge

On Saturday, my husband and I will celebrate 17 years of marriage. Our marriage is now old enough to see rated R movies without a parent 😉 Sometimes it feels like those 17 years flew by, and other times I feel as though my wedding day was a lifetime ago.

I have learned so much during the last 17 years. About my husband, about marriage, about raising kids together, and how to be a military wife.

My husband joined the Army when we had been married for about three years. Everything before that was so different. We have had our Germany years and our Fort Campbell years and are now in our National Guard years.

Our boys are getting older, one is just about three years away from being an adult himself. We have one son with Autism and have had other challenges with our kids to figure out over the last 15 years.

We have been through four deployments, and too many other times apart to count. Lately, he has been home more often than he has ever been. I am not sure how long this will last, but this time together has been so needed.

I always feel a bit funny giving marriage advice. For a while, that was because I hadn’t been married long enough. Then, I just wasn’t sure if my advice would apply to anyone who read it. I have friends whose marriages haven’t lasted, even though they went into them with that as a plan.

I know so many people that are living a completely different life than they thought they would, with a completely different person than they started out with. Life happens, and you never really know how that will change you or your spouse.

But, as I look at my upcoming anniversary, I can’t help but think about what has worked and what hasn’t. I can’t help but think about what my marriage has gone through and what challenges we have faced over the years.

I don’t claim to have the secrets about how to stay married when you are in the military. Everyone has a different story. Everyone is dealing with their own experiences.

Marriage is never easy, but I do think there are things you can do to help keep you stay married over the miles, and over the years.

Forgive Often

You are going to have to forgive each other and do so often. Whenever you live with another person, they are going to piss you off. They are going to get on your nerves sometimes, and you could find yourself holding a bit of a grudge if they wrong you in some way.

Obviously, there are exceptions. You don’t have to forgive someone who cheated on you. You don’t have to put up with abuse. But, in your day-to-day, try to forgive the little things. They usually aren’t worth holding on to.

Know Your Spouse’s Personality

This is something I feel like I didn’t quite get until the last few years. And if I had realized this earlier, things might have been a bit easier for me. I knew going in my husband is a completely different person than I am, but there is so much more to that that can affect your everyday.

The 5 Love Languages Military Edition: The Secret to Love That Lasts (this is an affiliate link) book is a good start. You can also take an Enneagram test to figure out you and your partner’s personality type as well as taking a Myers-Briggs test. These also can be good for friendships and getting along with people in general.

Knowing how your spouse works, how they feel loved, and what is important to them will help so much when certain struggles come up in your marriage. While “treat others like you want to be treated” can be good advice, it doesn’t always work 100%. Over the years I have learned more about what my husband appreciates and what he doesn’t care too much about.

One example is care packages. Some spouses love them. I know I would.

If I was deployed and my husband sent me a care package I would feel so loved. But for my husband? It is different. While he would appreciate one, receiving a care package wouldn’t be the same as it would be for me. When he is deployed, I don’t need to send him one on a regular basis, but that isn’t true for every deployed service member.

Communicate Expectations Before They Deploy

Talking about your expectations before a deployment starts is so important. Talk about how often you need to hear from them, care packages, and even how you will be spending your money during a deployment.

There are so many times when frustrating situations come up because each spouse has a different idea of how things are going to be during a deployment. While you can’t prepare for everything, communicating about deployment expectations will go a long way in helping your marriage when they are gone.

Talk Things Over

Constantly talking things over with your spouse is a must. You want to be on the same page about what you guys are going through. You don’t want to keep big things from each other.

If your children are very young and date nights are hard to come by, make use of the time after they go to bed. Cook a nice dinner, and have some conversations. You can connect this way, without even leaving your home.

If you can go on regular date nights, do so. They can make for the perfect time to talk about your lives, what is going on with both of you, and what you want for the future. Lately, my husband and have been going out a couple of times a month.

We can have some fun, kid-free time together and let each other know how things are going. Sometimes during the workweek, we are ships passing in the night, so having that time together is very important to our marriage.

If your spouse is deployed, this type of thing can be difficult, especially if it isn’t easy to communicate. Writing letters can help, as well as trying to connect when you can. Other times you might just have to make some decisions on your own and tell them about them later.

During my husband’s first deployment, we went a whole month without talking with each other. That was just the way things were, so a lot of things I had to handle all by myself. That time wasn’t easy, but can be how a deployment goes.

Don’t Get Mad At Them For Something The Military Has Done

Getting mad at your spouse because of something the military has done can be easy to do. Keep in mind, they have to go where the military tells them to go, where the military tells them to go. And they can’t always take you with them.

Your spouse will also have to make decisions based on their career. You might not totally understand why and this can be frustrating. Try to remember, they want to make the right choice, and they might have to say yes to things you don’t want them to.

When it comes to the decision to re-enlist or not, decisions can be complicated. In some cases, getting out of the military is a must, for the mental health of the spouse or other members of the family. In other cases, that isn’t going to work, and the career aspirations of your service member need to be taken into account. Talking through your expectations, worries, and your hopes for the future is always a smart idea.

What is your best advice about how to stay married when the military is in charge?

To the Seasoned Military Spouse

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You have done this before, deployments aren’t a new thing, and you feel like you have to be strong, for all the new military spouses around you.

To the Seasoned Military Spouse

But the reality is, after the FRG meeting is over, after you get home and crawl into bed, your heart still worries over this upcoming deployment. You wonder how you will get through another nine months apart. You wonder if this will be the deployment something bad happens, how many times can someone go over there and come back the same?

The truth is, you might be a seasoned spouse, you might have advice to offer and you have defeinetly been there before, but you are also a human being.

You have the right to miss your spouse too.

You have the right to not have all the answers.

You have the right to be the one that needs the shoulder to cry on instead of the other way around.

Because no matter how long you have been a military spouse, no matter how long you have lived a military life, you might never be fully prepared for your own emotions during the difficult parts.

As a seasoned spouse, you know that you can’t spend the whole deployment complaining, but it is okay to share with your close friends that you are having a hard time.

As a seasoned spouse, you probably look back on everything you have been through and wonder how you got to where you are today. You remember when you were the brand new spouse, walking onto your very first military installation, unsure of what the future held.

As a seasoned spouse, you know you can help other military spouses and sharing your personal story can help them more than you might realize.

I know for myself, I have always looked at those who have been doing this longer than I have, and have been able to learn what worked for them, and even what didn’t.

There is this idea that in order to support your military service member you have to appear as an unmoveable tower of strength. And maybe you don’t always feel like you are. Maybe you too need some encouragement.

So, to the seasoned military spouse, know that you have a lot to offer but you can also be the one asking for help. You can be the one that needs to vent, and you can be the one that just needs a night off from the stress.

The military changes over time and what things were like in 1999 were different than in 2009 and different even more here in 2019.

You might start to feel that what worked for you 10 years ago won’t work again now, and maybe that is true. However, you are resilient and you will find ways to cope, even if this new age of the military.

Be kind to yourself, take breaks when you can, and know that you can get through this too. Learn your strengths and be aware of your weaknesses. Reach out to others for help, and help those around you that might need that little extra support.

How long have you been a military spouse? Are you new or are you more seasoned?

When You Are Living a Military Life

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When You Are Living a Military Life

I have lived in a military community ever since I got off the airplane in Germany back in 2006. I have been through seasons of deployment after deployment. I have watched my friends go through this too. I have gone through a few PCS moves myself, I can’t even count how many people I know going through one this year.

A military life can be so different than a civilian one. I have learned this over the years, both from personal experience and the experiences of other military spouses I have known.

The military life is unique, filled with so many challenges and frustrations. There is nothing like it.

When You Are Living a Military Life

When you are living a military life, you deal with deployments.

Sometimes this means your spouse is away for just a few months, other times they can be deployed for much longer, for a year, or even more.

Sometimes this means crying yourself to sleep because you miss them so very much, sometimes it means being a shoulder for your friend to cry on when she is missing hers.

Sometimes this means feeling sick to your stomach every time the doorbell rings, other times it means receiving a call that your spouse is okay, but did get injured and trying to digest what that all means.

When you are living a military life, you deal with pcsing

Sometimes this means moving from your hometown, across the ocean, to a small German village.

Sometimes this means being stationed somewhere you never wanted to go, for an unknown amount of time.

Sometimes this means being reunited with your best friend from four years ago because you are both getting stationed at the same duty station.

When You Are Living a Military Life

When you are living a military life, you will have to stand by your service member

Even when they return from deployment, and they don’t seem like the same person.

Even when you are not sure how to make things better.

Even when it seems like your spouse’s career always comes first.

When you are living a military life, you might need to walk away

Sometimes life really does get too hard.

Sometimes a marriage falls apart, despite your best efforts.

Sometimes, things can’t last forever like you want them to.

When You Are Living a Military Life

When you are living a military life, you might feel lonely at times

Your friends might move away.

You might move away.

And your life can be filled with so many hellos, then goodbyes.

When you are living a military life, you can get frustrated with your own career plans

You might want to work in your ideal job, but there are no openings for that type of job where you currently live.

You might apply, only to be rejected because of all the moves you have made in the past.

You might have to start over every few years, and that can make you feel like you just want to give up.

Being married to a service member will make you humble, will allow you to become more independent, and will help you grow in ways you never thought possible. But at the same time, the harsh realities of a military life can really get to us. Some days will be easier than others, some duty stations will be easier than others, and some deployments will be easier than others.

We will find what works, we will we find our strength, and we will figure out how to get through what is ahead.

 

Being Content When The Military Moves You Far From Home

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Being Content When The Military Moves You Far From Home

I moved out of my parents home and away from my hometown when I was 18.5 years old. I couldn’t wait to explore and live somewhere else. I couldn’t wait for that independence. I was so ready and left when I had the chance to go.

When I did that, I didn’t know how far that independence would take me. When I was 26, we moved from Northern California to Kentucky, even further away. When my husband joined the Army, we moved to Germany, an ocean away. We came back to Tennessee and have been here ever since, and where we live now is exactly 1,985.9 miles away from “home.”

There is a part of me that yearns to be back. To be able to live where I used to live, to be able to do the things I used to do on a regular basis (like go to Disneyland once a week,) and to live the life I used to have.

Being Content When The Military Moves You Far From Home

But here is the thing…

Time has moved on, not just for me, but for my hometown. Maybe this isn’t true for everyone, but where I grew up is so different in 2018 than when I left in 1997. There is a lot more traffic, less rain, and Disneyland is way more expensive.

I once had a pastor tell me something that still sticks with me to this day. I was telling him about our church back in California and how special that place was. How I wanted to find something like that again.

He told me that while that was amazing, that if we left right then and returned, the church would be a different place. That it is easy to assume everyone from our past is frozen in time, but that isn’t true. People have changed, places have changed, and going back wouldn’t be like stepping right back in right after we left.

So if I were to pack up my family and head back to Southern California, things would be different. And maybe part of that is that I have changed. I am used to life in other places, not so much the life of someone in Southern California. This hit me hard on my last visit there this past summer.

And it isn’t like I couldn’t adjust to life there again, I am sure I could. I am sure that over time, things would be okay. But remembering that I can never go back to 1997 and how things were back then is a comfort to me in a place so far from home.

Being Content When The Military Moves You Far From Home

As military spouses, many of you don’t live near where you grew up.

Some of you might just be a few hours away, others, across the ocean. You could be the type of person who couldn’t wait to leave, or maybe you never thought you would until you married your soldier and you had to go. Living away from home can be difficult, even for those of us who couldn’t wait to move away.

You miss things. You miss birthdays, and weddings, and other events that make you sad to think about. You become the people that other people used to know. You become a part of their history and are no longer apart of their present. And that can be hard to take.

Homesickness can be real. You can feel like you gave up everything and for what? You might wonder if the time away is worth it? If spreading your wings a bit was worth it?

How can you be content when the military moves you far from home?

Being Content When The Military Moves You Far From Home

Here are some ideas:

Embrace your independence

When you leave home, you become more independent just by doing so. There is now a lot more distance between you and your family, between you and what you are used to, between you and your comfort zone. You have to do things you didn’t think you would have to do, and you will grow stronger for it.

Embrace this independence that comes from being far from home. Take a look back at what you have done on your own. Look ahead to the future on what you can accomplish based on these skills you have learned.

Explore your new home

Get out there and see what your current area has to offer. It might be totally different than what you are used to, but that’s okay. This will force you out of your comfort zone, but that can be a good thing.

Look up bucket lists for your new duty station, talk to your neighbors, look for what other people do in their free time. Getting involved in your new community will help you find contentment there, and will lessen the effects of homesickness.

Visit

Yes, you moved away. But that doesn’t mean you can’t ever visit. Now, how often you visit is going to depend on many different factors. You might not be able to afford to do so too often, or maybe you can go home for every holiday. Find a good balance and what will work for you and your family.

If you live close enough, it might be possible to go home every weekend. This might not be the best idea if you want to dive into your new community. Give yourself some time to be where you now live, and not just escape to home whenever you get the chance. If you can figure out a new home that is just a few hours from where you are from, those skills will help you when you move farther away.

Invite

Invite your family and maybe even friends to visit your new home. Show them around, show them your new life. Let them see what you are experiencing. Your friends and family want to know you are in a good place and showing them that place first hand can be a wonderful thing.

When the military moves you far away from home, it can be so hard to figure out how to be content. There is a lot to miss about home, and for many, it can feel like your new duty station will never feel that way. Give yourself some time, get out of your comfort zone, and look for the good in your new place.

Where was the first place you lived after moving away from home?

Is Rank Really An Issue When It Comes To Making Friends As A Military Spouse?

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Is Rank Really An Issue When It Comes To Making Friends As A Military Spouse?

Did you ever watch Army Wives? You know how those military spouses are all such good friends despite their spouse’s rank? Is that even possible? Well, yes, and no.

While there are some cases when two spouses probably wouldn’t be friends because of rank, I think, for the most part, spouses don’t care. I would question the level of friendship between some of those characters on Army Wives, but in the end, I think they could all be friendly with one another, if nothing else.

Is Rank Really An Issue When It Comes To Making Friends As A Military Spouse?

There are very few military spouses that ask a potential friend what their spouse’s rank is before they decide to befriend them. In my real life experience of being an Army wife, usually, a husband’s rank comes out but it is not something that you use to evaluate a friendship. Usually, the conversation goes something like this, “we are PCSing to Fort Hood and I wonder what E-5 housing is like” or, “once he goes to such and such a school, he will make E-7.” It is usually never, “Well, I can only be friends with wives of husband’s E-6 and above.”

Rank is brought up as a simple fact of their service member’s time in the military, not something to rub in someone else’s face.

Rank should be used as something to create a dividing line with. Rank shouldn’t be used to bring other people down and make them feel less than. Among us spouses, rank isn’t or shouldn’t be a big issue.

This isn’t to say that no one out there is like that, I am sure you could find someone who thinks that way. But in my experience, these people are not that norm.

You know why? Because most military spouses are really just trying to make friends. We all pretty much want the same thing, to be included, to find our people, and to have fun along the way.

Is Rank Really An Issue When It Comes To Making Friends As A Military Spouse?

We don’t care what your spouse does, we just want to know that you can relate to being a military spouse, at least in one way or another.

We don’t care how high up your spouse is, we just want to know that you have days when you miss them just as much as we miss our own and that we can laugh about that together.

We don’t care if there is an E by their rank or an O, we just want to know that we are not the only ones serving cereal for dinner sometimes and that feel overwhelmed by too many deployments.

I think most military spouses want to find friends who can understand when we are having a bad day. Who can be a shoulder to cry on when we need one. That we can return the favor with when they need that support too.

Going through military life alone isn’t the best way to go and that finding friends wherever you live is going to make this life a lot easier. That finding your people is going to help you through those lonely nights and crazy mornings. That knowing someone has your back is going to give you a bit of peace you need for this military lifestyle.

So if you are a new military spouse, try not to worry about people not wanting to friend you because of your spouse’s rank. I can’t promise that won’t happen, there are going to be those people out there. But I do know that most of us don’t care about that.

Is Rank Really An Issue When It Comes To Making Friends As A Military Spouse?

We want to know what your hobbies are, how old your kids are, what you like to read, what you like to watch, what your dreams are, what your fears are, and so on. 

And with time you will find the ones you will walk through this life with. The ones that will make you a better person. The ones you will befriend and have in your life from here on out.

Making friends as a military spouse is a must, no matter what rank your spouse might be. If you are new to your duty station, get out there and see what is going on. Figure out places to go to meet other spouses. Join your local spouse’s groups, and work towards finding those friendships. Doing so will be worth your time.

What do you think? Have you ever had trouble making friends because of your spouse’s rank? What did you do about it?

How Raising a Child On The Autism Spectrum Helps Me As A Military Wife

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How Raising a Child On The Autism Spectrum Helps Me As A Military Wife

Raising a child on the autism spectrum has taught me a lot over the years. There are so many lessons to be learned when your child needs a little extra help and a little extra patience. Some of these lessons have helped me as a military wife and through the years of everything that comes with being a military family.

How Raising a Child On The Autism Spectrum Helps Me As A Military Wife

Life doesn’t always look the way you think it should

One of the biggest lessons I have learned by having a child on the autism spectrum is that life doesn’t always look the way you think life will. Your children will surprise you. You will do things differently than you thought you would.

Military life is the same. You can’t really plan what your military journey will be like. You won’t be able to tell when your husband joins the military, how many times your spouse will deploy or how many times you will PCS. You will have to change your way of thinking so that you are not frustrated by every little thing military life brings.

Not everything is going to be “Pinterest” perfect, and that’s okay

There is a certain type of pressure in this social media world to make everything “Pinterest” perfect from our kid’s birthday parties or snacks for their class. With a special needs child, a lot of what you do is simply making it through the day making sure they have what they need.

The same is true with military life. Somedays you have to just make it to the finish line. Others, you might have a little more time, but please remind yourself, not everything has to look like it does on Pinterest.

How Raising a Child On The Autism Spectrum Helps Me As A Military Wife

Don’t sweat the small stuff

As a mom of an autistic kid, I have had to let a lot of things go every day. I have to pick my battles. Not everything is worth a fight. I simply do not have the energy or even the desire for it.

As a military spouse, I also am not going to worry about every little thing. I am going to do my best, make the right choices, and go from there. Trying to worry about everything is going to burn you out.

You need to ask for help

This has been the hardest thing for me to do. Asking for help. I want to do everything by myself. But there have been plenty of people who have helped my son along the way. Without them, I am not sure where we would be.

Being a military spouse, there are of course times when my husband is not home. For the most part, I can handle what comes my way by myself. But sometimes, I do need that extra help. And I shouldn’t be afraid to ask for it.

How Raising a Child On The Autism Spectrum Helps Me As A Military Wife

Good friends are a must

Over the years I have made some pretty amazing friends that have been a good support system for me and my kids. They are understanding of my son’s autism and have helped me through the journey. I am not sure what I would have done without them.

In the same way, finding good friends has helped me as a military wife. From being other people who get what we go through to being a listening ear. Good friends are a must for so many reasons.

Whether you have special needs kids or not, they are always going to teach you something. You will learn through parenting them, and that will be a good thing. Even if it feels like you are not doing everything right, you can still grow from the process.

Do you have kids on the autism spectrum too? What have they taught you?

9 Things to Love About Military Life

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Things to Love About Military Life

There are plenty of times I have been frustrated with military life during my years as a military spouse. There is a lot to get frustrated about. However, there are also plenty of things to love about military life too. Here is my list of 9 things to love about military life.

9 Things to Love About Military Life1. Getting to live in a different country

While not every military family gets stationed overseas, there is always that option. We spent four years in Germany, and I am very thankful for that experience. The military will move you to a different country, pay for your belongings and your car, and give you extra money while you are there. If you get the chance to go overseas, do it.

By living in another country, you can open up your world. If you have children, they will get to experience a different culture and make memories they will always have with them. This is an amazing thing for your kids to experience.

2. Traveling places

Whether you are stationed overseas or stationed in the United States, being a military family means you get to see things and travel places you wouldn’t be able to do otherwise. As you meet other military families you will also have people to visit through the years. This can make traveling even more fun.

For some military families, traveling means getting in the car and going on days trips. For others, it means going to Disneyworld once a year. When you are stationed somewhere new, there are so many places to explore. Places you never even thought you would ever go.

3. Making friends from all over

As a military spouse, you will be able to make friends from all over the place. One of my favorite things to ask new people is where they are from. Talking about where you grew up, and the differences between where you and your friend grew up can also be a lot of fun. Not only will you make friends from all over the United States but you will meet them from other countries and doing so makes your life much richer.

9 Things to Love About Military Life

4. The Sisterhood

There is definitely a sisterhood of military spouses if you open yourself up enough to finding it. You all go through the same things and can relate to so many issues. You know what going through a deployment and being apart from your spouse is like. You know what moving every few years is really like, and having to start over somewhere new. You get one another, whether you are a new spouse or been living the military life for 20 years.

5. Strengthing our marriage

Our marriage has become stronger through our deployments and time as a military family. Even though each deployment was so difficult, we got through them, and our marriage grew in some way through each one of them. You learn different ways to communicate and how to be a couple when you can’t see one another every day.

While deployments can bring about so much stress on a marriage, they don’t have to break a marriage either. Going through a deployment is a lot of hard work, but just because you are married to someone in the military, it doesn’t mean your marriage will be doomed.

6. Helping other spouses through deployments

Over the years I have also been able to help other military spouses through deployments. I have been there, I get it. I know what it is like to have to figure out how to be both mom and dad with my kids. I understand how lonely those nights can be or has scary things can get when you know your spouse is working in a dangerous place. I am glad that the past experiences that I struggled through can help others in the future.

7. Homecomings

That first kiss after months and months apart is one of the best things about this life. Homecomings make you feel like you are dating again. You are nervous, you have butterflies in your stomach, and you can’t wait to get your hands on your spouse once again.

Once they leave for a deployment, the countdown to homecoming begins, and you know that all you have to do to make it through is get through the days until that happens. As the date gets closer, you can pick out your cute outfit, make your homecoming signs, and get more and more excited as the day gets closer.

9 Things to Love About Military Life

8. Battle Buddies

Beyond making friends, another thing to love about military life is your battle buddies, the best friends you make along the way, the ones that become family. These people are the ones you spend holidays with, that you trade babysitting with, and share your deepest secrets and fears. Without these friends, military life would be that much more difficult.

When you go through a situation with someone else, you bond in ways you wouldn’t do otherwise. You become closer because you have to. You help one another out in ways you would never have had to if your spouse never left. Military friendship can be so strong and unique sometimes.

9. Independence

Over the years I have been forced to become more independent. Whether it was because I had to handle a hospital visit by myself, a PCS to Germany with an 18 months old, or just had to figure out how to run the house 100% by myself because there was no way my husband could do so. There are so many times we military spouses have to do things by ourselves, but in the end, those things make us more independent.

Sometimes finding the good in military life can be difficult. We can get so hung up on the hardships of this life. But sometimes taking a step back and remembering what we love about military life can help brighten our mood and get us out of our funk. There are truly things to love about military life and remembering them is important.

What do you love about military life?

Because I am a Soldier’s Wife

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Because I am a Soldier’s Wife

As the new year begins, I wonder what this year will look like. Will he deploy? Will he stay home? Will he be home more than he is away? As I wonder what this year will look like, I am reminded of what it means to be married to someone serving in the military.

Because I am a Soldier's Wife

 

Because I am a soldier’s wife, my husband can be away from us, whether it is for days, weeks, months or even years. And when he is gone, I stay home and make the best of the situation, knowing he is serving his country in the way he knows how.

Because I am a soldier’s wife, I have found friendship with others who have gone through the same thing.

Because I am a Soldier's Wife

We have spent the holidays together and have become like family to one another. We have each other’s backs and know we can depend on one another when we need that extra support.

Because I am a soldier’s wife, what happens on the news affects me in very personal ways. If they say they are sending more troops over there, I worry my husband might be one of them. And then I remind myself that this is what Army service is all about.

Because I am a soldier’s wife, I try to be strong even if I don’t always feel that way. Sometimes I merely survive during a deployment instead of thrive, even if that is my goal. I have to take one day at a time, one hour at a time in some cases.

Because I am a soldier’s wife, I have moved, several times. Starting over in a new place, a new state, a new country. I have learned how to adapt, how to be apart, how to handle homesickness.

Because I am a soldier’s wife, I have learned how to be more patient, how to get through the impossible, how to make the best of a difficult situation. I have learned how to handle what this life brings me, even if somedays that doesn’t seem very possible.

Because I am a Soldier's Wife

Because I am a soldier’s wife, I know I am a part of something amazing. I am a part of something historical. I have sisters that have come before me, in wars past, who I can learn from. I have sisters who I walk beside today, going through what I am also dealing with.

Because I am a soldier’s wife, figuring out what I want to do has been more of a challenge. His career comes first. If he is gone all summer, how will I adjust? If he is gone for a year, how will I make my dreams come true? If I am the only parent for months at a time, how will I have time to work on myself?

Because I am a soldier’s wife, I have learned so much in the years since my husband has joined. I have learned about myself, my marriage, and the world in general. I have gained more than I have lost.

As we start a new year, I wonder what the next 12 months will look like. Will this year be one of the harder ones, or will we have a bit of a break? Who knows. I just know that I am doing all of this with my husband by my side, with my friends who understand, and with an attitude that I can get through anything this crazy life throws at me.

Becoming a Military Spouse and Finding the Support You Need to Get Through

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Becoming a Military Spouse and Finding the Support You Need to Get ThroughBecoming a Military Spouse and Finding the Support You Need to Get Through

I spent three years as a civilian wife.

During those years we could plan things out, and most likely they would not change. If he needed time off, he would ask for it. I was a new mom, and he had been there for the nine months of pregnancy and then the newborn months.

During those years we had a pretty simple life. There wasn’t a lot of drama. I knew he would be there for my birthday, our son’s firsts and the idea of parenting my son alone for any length of time sent shivers down my spine. I laugh about that now.

Military spouses

My years as a civilian wife were far from easy of course. I was stressed like every new mom was. But at the time I had no idea what was ahead for us.

In November of 2005, my husband and I made the choice for him to re-enlist in the Army, at age 30. He had been in before, years before I had met him.

I didn’t think being a military wife was going to be my life. Not at all. The Army was in his past. But in 2005, it became his present, and I started my life as a military spouse.

It’s been almost 12 years since that happened and over those 12 years, so much has happened. We have added two more children, gone through 4 deployments, 3 PCS moves and became a National Guard family.

 

My husband joining the military changed everything.

My civilian life? That is a thing of the past. I learned pretty quickly that being a military wife was an entirely different way to live.

I figured out that you can’t always depend on your spouse to be there. Whether you are thinking about your son’s first steps or the birth of your child.

I figured out that missing someone you are married to for over a year is completely different than missing a boyfriend for a few months when you went off to college.

I figured out that we as military spouses see the fear in our future, might even start to panic about it, but figure out ways to make it through.

Military spouses

As a civilian wife, the idea of solo parenting seemed unbelievable.

As a military wife, I have spent the equivalent of years without my partner by my side.

In this world, we always want to compare, and I can’t help compare my own life before the Army vs after. They were so different. I was different.

But over the years I have learned something important. No matter what your stress might me. No matter what struggle you might be dealing with. No matter how weak you feel, you can figure out a way to make it through.

We can all depend on one another. During our darkest days, we can turn to a friend, a family member, or even an online community.

We can see that others have worried for their spouses like we have. We can see that others have broken down at having to change ALL the diapers. We can learn from those who have come before us and have wise words to share.

I have heard people say that being a military wife is the same as being a civilian wife. This has not been my experience at all. My two lives are like night and day.

Becoming a Military Spouse and Finding the Support You Need to Get Through

Being a military wife is probably one of the best things that have happened to me.

In the last 12 years, I have learned so much about life, how to cope, how to handle stress, and how to be resilient in the face of disappointing circumstances.

I have seen the power of the military community. To help one another out through deployments, the loneliness, and the hardships.

I have become who I am because my husband has served. And I know that my life would be completely different had my husband never rejoined the military on that day in 2005.

If you are a military spouse looking for support, you have come to the right place. On this blog, you will find posts about deployments, pcsing, and all things military life.

Although we all come from different branches, we have a lot in common and finding support is a must!

You can also sign up for my mailing list to receive a free guide to the first 30 days of a deployment and join my Facebook support group. 

To the Military Spouse Who Feels Very Much Alone

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To the Military Spouse Who Feels Very Much Alone

There have been times during my years as a military spouse where I have been surrounded by other people. Even when my husband was far away, in another country, I still had people who understood me. Although I was lonely for my husband, I wasn’t alone.

Having the benefit of military spouse friends can help you through even the most difficult of deployments. But not everyone has them, and sometimes you can feel very much alone, even within a sea of people.

Some spouses have barely moved into their new home after a PCS before their husband has to leave for an extended amount of time. Some spouses have just experienced PCS season where dear friends have moved far away, and they are left wondering when they will meet someone new.

Military spouse, these might be your hardest of days, but you will find a way through. We always do. 

 

Some spouses have tried to find their people but feel that there is no one else in this community like them.

They want to find the friends others have talked about but it is proving to be difficult. There are many reasons why a military spouse can feel alone and adding a deployment on top of that can be quite frustrating.

So, to the military spouse who feels very much alone, I hear you.

Life isn’t easy right now. It’s frustrating and seems like it will last forever. That nothing will change. But I will tell you that simply isn’t true.

To the Military Spouse Who Feels Very Much Alone

Military spouse, days will go by, and you will find that you can make it through them.

You will eventually meet someone you click with. You will find your people.

Your spouse, who is too many miles away, will come home. They will be there on a daily basis once again, and you will be able to enjoy one another.

Military spouse, these might be your hardest of days, but you will find a way through. We always do. 

We can find fun activities for us and our kids to do. We can take up a new hobby or work on our home. We can find a new career or go to school to start the process of beginning one.

Military spouse, the days might be long, but you will endure. You will find people who understand, even if they are online. You will smile at a neighbor, you will laugh at your friend’s child, and everything will seem like it is going to be okay.

To the Military Spouse Who Feels Very Much Alone

You will have nights where you cry yourself to sleep. Know, that you are not alone in this.

Even the most together military spouse has moments when she feels the deployment ache and wants her spouse back at her side.

Life is filled with up and downs; military life is no different. There will be seasons of deployment, seasons of pcsing, and seasons where they are home with you and everything feels a bit more normal than it has been.

Military spouse, if you are feeling very much alone, see what you can do to break out of this feeling.

It could be that you need to call a friend or a family member. Maybe you need to join that group you have seen advertised down the road. You could go out and volunteer or apply for that job that looks interesting.

I think there is always something you can do to make life a little easier for yourself. Although at times this can seem too difficult, putting yourself out there is a must.

To the Military Spouse Who Feels Very Much Alone

Doing so is the best way to move past the loneliness and discover that you can truly live your life, even if your husband is not home with you.

So whether you feel alone because your spouse just deployed, because you just moved somewhere new and didn’t know a soul, or are in a season where things don’t seem too great, know that life will change, things will get better, and you won’t always feel this way.

And remember, if you need to seek more professional help, do so. There is no shame in it. Counselors can help with anxiety, depression, or anything else you could be dealing with. And they can truly be the way to get through this season of your life.

What do you do when you are feeling alone?