Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

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Giving Birth When Your Spouse Is Deployed

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Giving Birth When Your Spouse Is Deployed

Giving birth when your spouse is deployed is common in the military spouse community.

If you walk into a room of Military spouses and ask how many of them have given birth when their spouse was deployed, you would get quite a few hands. It is something that has happened to a lot of us. Despite planning, a compassionate chain of command and a lot of prayers, sometimes the dads have to miss the birth. This just comes with being a Military spouse.

The reason I had to give birth without my husband was because I was due right in the middle of a deployment. He left in August and I was due in December. In some cases, they might let someone stay back for a birth. That was not the case for us that time. When I was due with baby #3, my husband did get to stay back because he was not allowed to deploy until November and I was due December 1st.

He just missed the birth

With my Germany baby, the child I had without my husband, I was expecting around mid-December. Considering my previous experience with my oldest son being born two weeks early, I anticipated an early delivery. We were hopeful that my husband would be able to be home for the birth as he was scheduled for R&R around the due date.

However, in the end, he didn’t leave Iraq until the day I gave birth. It took him a few days to get to Germany. He finally got to meet our baby when he was three days old.

Thank goodness for mom

Luckily I was able to have my Mom there with me. When I found out he might not be there in time for the birth, I asked if she could come out. Since we knew my other son was early, we had to plan on baby #2 being that early too and she came about 2.5 weeks before my due date.

In the end he was only born four days early. I almost think the stress of knowing my husband wasn’t leaving Iraq until later caused him to wait a bit longer to be born.

When your spouse is deployed, they may not make it in time

In some cases, the service member is not going to make it home for the birth or even be home for a few months after the birth either. This depends on the situation, the unit, rank and all of that.

During that first deployment, I had a few friends who got pregnant on R&R thinking their husband would be home in more than enough time to be there for the birth. In the end, the deployment was extended for 15 months total and the men were not allowed to go home to see their children being born. They got to meet them when they were about two months old.

If you think you might be in a situation where you will be giving birth without your husband, it is important to remember that you are not alone. Others have done it before and you will be able to get through it.

When you have to give birth without your spouse

  • Find someone who can attend the birth with you. Family member, friend and in some cases a doula can step in when your husband cannot be there. Find someone you trust that you want to be by your side. This will make a big difference and you won’t have to go through the birth alone.
  • Prepare yourself for the possibility. If your spouse just left and they tell you he can come back for the birth, don’t believe that 100%. Things always change in the Military. Promises can be broken. Nothing is set in stone until it happens. Tell yourself early on that if he can’t be there, you will be okay. Then hope and pray that he can be there. It is all you can do.
  • Use Video. We didn’t have this back in 2006 but these days women are giving birth while their husband is watching and cheering them on using Facetime or Zoom. Now this will take planning and help from the Unit but it can be done. Thank goodness for modern technology that this is even an option. Now a dad can help coach his wife through childbirth, even from overseas.
  • Take any help you can get.  When people find out that you are having a baby by yourself, they will offer to help you. Take them up on it. From watching your other kids to taking you meals. Don’t say no to this kind of help. You will need the help and be very grateful for it later.

As a Military spouse, you have to make sacrifices and giving birth without your husband could be one of them. Know you are strong enough to handle doing this and remember, you are not alone.

Have you had to give birth when your spouse was deployed? How did it go?

To the Mamas Raising the Little Tiny Kids

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To the Mamas Raising the Little Tiny Kids

My “baby” is 9, my oldest son, who was just one year old when my husband joined the Army, is 15. Sometimes I can’t even wrap my mind around that. I know it is cliche to say, but where did the time go?

How did we go from diapers to driving lessons? Time moves on and your babies grow up and that’s just how it goes.

There was a time when I had little tiny kids too. As I watch my Mommy friends with the little ones, it takes me back. I can still remember so much about those days. And they really don’t seem like that long ago.

I might be getting my oldest ready to learn how to drive but it wasn’t too long ago that I was the mom with the one and three-year-old. I had two in diapers for far too long. I remember that stage so very well.

Because of my oldest son’s speech delay, I didn’t have a child I could have a conversation with for many many years. I was the mom with the kids at home trying to make it through the day, each and every day, all year long, and sometimes during a deployment.

I remember how difficult it was to do just about anything. Those ages can wear a mama down. There is so much physical work associated with them. And it’s really hard for kids that young to help you in a way that can make things a little easier for you as a mom.

To The Moms Of The Really Little Kids

So, to the mamas raising the little tiny kids, know that the difficult stage you are currently in will eventually end and a new one will take its place. Some new stages will be harder, others a little easier.

Know that it is okay to feel tired. It’s ok to feel like this will always be your life. But as a mom of older kids, things will change, I promise.

Your children will enter new phases. You won’t always have diapers to change, sippy cups to refill, and strollers to put in your trunk. You won’t always have to sit through Peppa Pig or Paw Patrol. Your kids will grow out of all of that.

I would tell you to “cherish every moment” but you already know that. You know that this time will pass. Deep down you really do know this.

With every picture you take you are aware of the passing of time. So I won’t tell you to cherish this time. I will tell you it gets easier in a lot of ways.

I know not all moms of older kids feel that way. This is something that might just depend on your experiences but as some who had a pretty difficult time with toddlers, things did get easier as my children have gotten older.

I can tell you that you will feel more and more like yourself as your kids get older. I will also tell you that you will always want the best for them and that you will always worry. I am 41 and I know my mom still worries about me.

But motherhood evolves. It changes as your children change. From one stage to the next.

Keep doing what you are doing. Keep loving your children and helping them each day. You are doing a good job and things should get easier in a few years.

Life is funny. And as your kids get older, your life will change from season to season. So to the mamas raising the little tiny kids, us mamas with the older kids have been there and understand.

So take a deep breath, find ways to take care of you, and enjoy those sweet baby and toddler smiles and giggles. They are what you will remember the most as time moves on and your babies get older. And what makes the stage your in so wonderful no matter how difficult it might be.

To The Special Needs Moms

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To The Special Needs Moms

When I was pregnant with my first baby, I researched everything. I wanted to make all the right choices. I wanted to avoid anything that could put him at a disadvantage. I wanted to prepare as much as I possibly could, for his birth, for his babyhood, and beyond.

And when he was born, I realized pretty quickly that making parenting decisions based on a book, or even on other’s experiences was so very different than raising your own child. Don’t get me wrong, parenting advice books and hearing other’s stories are a good thing. There is a lot you have to learn before you have a baby.

But, when you have special needs kids, you kinda want to throw all those books out the window. You want to figure out what is best for your kid, and that might be hard to figure out. And it can be hard to relate to others during your parenting journey.

I first noticed something was going on with my oldest when he was about two. We had moved to Germany when he was 18 months old and found some friends with kids similar ages. But around two, I noticed something. These other kids were talking, and my son was not.

Something was up, I just knew it. Over the next year, we found out he had a developmental delay, especially in speech. These days, at 14, he is a different kid. But it took a lot to get there.

Fast forward a few years and his little brother is turning two and talking on schedule. I was so worried but he didn’t have the same delays his brother did. But then…when he was three we started to notice some other things.

He would get mad at other kids when they wanted to play with him.

He would get in trouble every day during Pre-K.

He would focus on one thing for a very long time.

He acted like we never told him no, that we let him do whatever he wanted. But we did tell him no, he was just on his own path.

When he was five, we discovered what was going on. He had Asperger’s. He had Autism. Now we knew better how to help him.

And we have. He is 12 now. He is going to be a teenager this year, and we have come so far.

And still I struggle.

When I am sitting with a group of moms and they talk about that kid at their child’s school and how awful he is.

When something that comes so easy to other children, even his brothers, is so hard to him.

When I want to push him to do more, but I am not sure I can handle the difficulties that might come with doing so.

There are so many times when I wish I could wave a magic wand so others could understand. This special needs mom life isn’t easy and can be so isolating. I have been hurt before and I hate feeling like I could be hurt again.

So to the other special needs moms out there…

I was also the mom that couldn’t find the right playgroup.

I was also the mom, and still am the mom, that isn’t sure how my child will handle another kid’s birthday party.

I am the mom that worries every day when he goes off to school, hoping and praying he has a good day.

While we have come so far with my son, we have so far to go. He will be bigger than me soon. He will start to look like a man. I worry about that.

How will we handle his first job? What if he wants to date? How will that go? And what about college?

All moms worry, we worry about everything, but us special needs moms might worry about things that others don’t think twice about.

So to the other special needs moms out there, I get it.

I know how hard to it to sign up for something like swim lessons, when you are not totally sure if the teacher will be able to handle your son.

I know that letting them go off to school is scary, and can be a fight, in order to make sure your kid is getting what they need.

I know that some days you just want to take your kids to an island, and allow them to just be themselves, no matter what that looks like.

So remember that you are not alone even if it feels like you are sometimes. You have a challenging kid, and that’s okay. It doesn’t make them less than. You have the ability to get through whatever current parenting challenge you are going through, and know that others have been through the same.

What is something that has really helped you as a special needs mom?

The Truth About Parenting

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The Truth about parenting

Want to know the truth about parenting?

I have been a mom for almost 11.5 years now and it has been quite the journey. It has been nothing like I thought it would be.

Back in junior high, high school and college, I babysat a lot. I watched a lot of kids over those years. I thought I had it figured out.

And maybe I did have the basics figured out. That you needed to make sure they were fed, changed, dressed and loved. That you could make them laugh and that you could help them grow up. What I didn’t fully understand was how much being a parent was going to be the hardest thing I have ever done and that parenting would always  be that way, whether my children were babies or whether they were all grown up and out of the house.

When you only have little babies you have to figure out how you are going to mother them. Should you let them cry it out? How long should you breastfeed for? Does it really matter what toys they play with? You always have to wonder if you are doing parenting right.

Then they become toddlers and you enter a whole new world. I remember the moment when my sweet little boy hit that new stage and threw a sippy cup at me because he was mad he had to go to bed. Say what? Who is this child and where did they come from?

I didn’t know that the threes would be much harder than the twos. That potty training would drive me to the edge of insanity. That having two in diapers really wasn’t as hard as people said it was going to be. That I would struggle so much with the spanking issue, that I would have to do a lot of solo parenting or that I would only raise all boys.

Parenting is full of a lot of surprises.

Before I had kids I had some ideas about parenting but over time those ideas have shifted and while some things have always been important to me, other views got lost somewhere between the midnight feedings and fit throwing toddlers.

I didn’t think I would ever use a stroller. HA! What was I thinking? A stroller saved my life when I had a 3 and 1-year-old. I am not sure how I could have lived without it.

As I look back over the last 11 years I can tell you some stages in parenting are much harder than others. Did I mention potty training??? UH! Glad we are done with that.

But as I look ahead I see those teenage years and puberty and getting into colleges and I wonder how those years are going to go. Will they stress me out as much as toddlerhood did? Is that even possible? Will I be able to make the right decisions? What if I make a big mistake?

I know that you can read all the parenting books your library has and still not quite understand your kid.

And even if you did, here comes the next kid. This one very different from the first kid and he or she will make you throw everything you know about children out the window.

Children are complex and what works for one won’t work for another. Throw special needs into the mix and you have added another layer to try to figure out.

After my boys go to bed and the house is quiet I sometimes think about where I am in my life. I was the one who wrote “Mommy” as a child when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. I am living my dream. Three healthy boys to love and to raise. However, it is sometimes hard to sit back and enjoy it when you are going from kid to kid to dog to house to business and it all seems a little too much.

But in those quiet moments, I can think about my boys and what they mean to me. The ways they made me laugh that day instead of the ways they made me cry. I can think about who they are today and who they are going to be in the future. I see myself in them. I see my husband in them. These children that we created.

The truth about parenting is that it is unexpected, it can throw you for a loop, it can make you laugh and make your cry, all in the same afternoon. Parenting can cause you to swell with pride when you are having a good day and make you rethink everything on a bad one. It’s fulfilling and it isn’t. It is everything and yet just a part of who I am.

The truth about parenting is that you really have to take it one day at a time because otherwise it will overwhelm you in a way nothing else ever could. But at the end of the day, every minute, every hard and difficult minute is worth everything.

the truth about parenting

How many children do you have? How old are they???

 

Want to connect with other moms who get parenting? Head on over to Hello Mamas to connect 🙂

 

How To Find New Mom Friends

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How To Find New Mom Friends

How To Find New Mom Friends

In the last 11 years, I have lived in five different cities. Each time I have moved I have had to make new friends. This can be a hard task and one that seems a bit overwhelming. There is usually a long period of time where I don’t have any new friends in my new city and that can get lonely.

Staying home with young children can be hard when you don’t have a local support system. It so great to have a group of friends to get together with, make playdates with and just depend on during the week. Especially when you have small children that need so much from you. You can have people who get what it is like, that understand why you might have hard days and people you can relate to about potty training, preschool choices and how many kids you really want to have.

The difficult part is finding a good group of other moms to become friends with. It’s hard because of the different ways we parent, different personalities and just being unsure if someone really likes us or not. I have found that the best thing to do is focus on fun things to do with my children and hope to meet other moms while we are going to these events.

When we moved to Kentucky I found a group of moms who met at a center that helped moms with their births. It wasn’t a birth center but it did a lot of the extra things that birth centers do like offering breastfeeding and birthing classes. I noticed that they had a playgroup once a week so I started taking my son who was a baby at the time. We all sat around on the floor and let the kids play. I started making friends there and I still connect with some of them on Facebook even though I have not seen them in person in about ten years.

When we moved to Germany I was lucky enough to meet some of the other wives in the FRG right away. That helped me feel more at home. I then started taking my son to what they called “play mornings.” They were held in a gym and the kids got to play while the moms chatted. At first, no one would really talk to me and it was hard to connect. I told myself that we would go for my son and if I made a friend there, that would be an added benefit. That took a little bit of the pressure off and within a few months, I did start making some friends there too.

There are a lot of different places to make mom friends these days and the internet makes it even easier. A lot of communities have Facebook pages and sometimes friends set them up for playdate groups. If you are new to an area or would like to make some new local friends, that is a good place to start. You can also visit Hello Mamas and look for other moms in your area. Finding other mom friends to connect with can be difficult but a good friendship makes it worth it.

How do you find your mom friends???

 

 

When Your Youngest Child Turns Five

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When Your Youngest Child Turns Five

Today my youngest son turns 5! If you have been with my blog for a while you might remember that I got pregnant with him right after we moved back to the US after four years in Germany. In some ways I just can’t believe we are here. My youngest child is now five years old! I feel like I hit a bit milestone there.

When your oldest child turns 5, there is celebration. There is something about that number that means your child is no longer a preschooler. They are a regular kid, getting ready to start kindergarten. As each of my kids have hit 5 I have felt that we have graduated to a new stage of parenting. But now that the “baby” is five, it is a really big deal.

When your youngest child turns five you feel like one big part of your parenting is over for good. Diapers and baby food and preschool choices and long sleepless nights are very much in the past. You think back to those years and wonder how you got through them. You see friends going through those years and want to tell them that they will get though them too. But you are not experiencing that time of life anymore. You have graduated. You are in high school looking back at your junior high years.

When Your Youngest Child Turns Five

When your youngest child turns five you think about how will never be the mom of the “littlest ones” anymore. Soon all of your children will be school aged and you will be away from them during the school day. You won’t have a mid-week lunch playdate, you won’t have to fill all those hours that used to be consumed with taking care of a child. It’s different and there is no going back.

When your youngest child turns five you remember when motherhood started and all the different challenges and phases you have been through. You think about how you used to have to rock your sweet baby to sleep and how you couldn’t decide whether to start them on food at five months or six. You remember worrying about what car seat you need to buy and whether your child would learn how to use the bathroom. Through learning to walk, talk and potty training has been replaced with other “big kid” skills that you know your children need to learn.

In some ways it is strange to be in this place. Kids grow up. I know this but to see our family shifting yet again seems so strange sometimes. To know that in about six months we will have all school aged kids and be passed the preschool years forever. It’s a strange feeling because it does not seem like that long ago that I was putting a 1 and 3-year-old in a double stroller and heading to the Commissary. It doesn’t seem like that long ago that I was waking up a few times a night feeding my small baby. It really doesn’t.

When Your Youngest Child Turns Five

As I look ahead I am excited. Every year brings a little bit more independence from my kids. Every year they get closer to the men they are going to be. I never wanted to rush that and I don’t think I have. Every year brings with it good things as well as challenges, some harder than others.

When your youngest child turns five you are reminded of everything you have done as a mom and think about everything you will do. You see your kids as children and not babies and yet still remember them that way as well. It’s an interesting feeling.

As I look at my sweet boys who are now 5, 8 and 11 and think about where we are in life and I just smile. We made it. Through the baby years, through the toddler years and through the preschool ones. We are now raising three boys, ready to take on the world in their own special way.

Did you feel similar when your youngest turned five???

 

 

 

More Than Just A Mom

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more than a mom

I always wanted to be a mom. I always wanted to get my college degree. I wanted to find a good man, get married after college, have some kids and stay at home with them. That is exactly what I did too. I have three boys that call me mom, I have been married for 13 years and I have been able to be home with them the whole time.

However…

For most of that time I have been a Work At Home Mom. I had an Ebay business back when I just had one little boy. These days I do a mix of blogging, writing, social media and my Scentsy business. I have three kids in school for three days a week. So I have chuncks of time to myself where I can get work done.

I am more than just a mom.

But sometimes…

I don’t feel like I am treated that way.

Sometimes I feel like people see that I have three boys and think that is all I could possibly have time for or all I could emotionally want to do.

But here is the thing. My boys are difficult sometimes, they do take a lot out of me but they are also not babies and I am more than just a mom.

I picked up my first camera at the age of 12. Years before motherhood began, but when I went on a photo walk a few years ago, one of the other photographers made a comment about how great it was that moms were picking up their cameras to take photos too. Really? Because my love of photography came before becoming a mother. So did a lot of other things.

I love my boys dearly but I am more than just their mother.

I am a writer. I am a reader. I am a blogger. I am a photographer. I am a friend. I am a wife. I am a business owner. I network with other work at home parents. I bring in an income and I am helping keep this family together and work towards our dreams.

And here is the thing. Whether you are a work at home mom or not, you are more than just a mom too. You are STILL the person you were 10, 15, 20 years ago. You might have changed a bit. You could have different beliefs about things but you are still that person and you are allowed to have a life beyond your kids.

You are allowed to read. You are allowed to find a job. You are allowed to go out with your friends. You are allowed to take a shower. You can do ALL of these things and still be a loving and wonderful mother.

I know my jobs might seem weird to some people. Some might not get how I could make money blogging or sharing a post on Twitter but I do. I make money. I pay taxes and I am a working member of society.

So next time you hear someone talk about working from home, believe them. Believe that they have a career too. That they are working towards a goal. I don’t care if they only make enough to send their kid to soccer camp every year or if they are bringing in $100,000+ a year. The jobs we do matter and shouldn’t just be ignored.

Do you ever run into the attitude that you are “just” a mom? That anything you do outside of it doesn’t really matter? How do you handle it?

 

Where Should My Kids Sleep?

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Where Should My Kids Sleep?

 

We moved into our current home four years ago. At the time we had a 6-year-old, 4-year-old and 9 month old. All boys. Our house is set up so our Master bedroom is downstairs. I love this because it really gives us some space. It wasn’t until we moved in here I was okay with that. We had a similar set up in our last house in Germany and we decided to put our room on the same floor with the boys. It is funny how your wants can change just by adding another child to the mix.

Before we moved in we decided to paint most of the rooms. This was a lot of fun! We even had the boys help.

We put my oldest two in the same room and then the baby had his own room, the smallest of the three upstairs. The third bedroom up there would be the office. This set up worked for a while since I had two older kids and a baby. Then the baby got a bit older and we decided to put him in with my oldest son giving our middle son his own room. At the time it made sense. He is the one with Asperger’s and he needed his space. About a year later we switched it up again because my son was asking if he could share a room with someone again. We changed things up even more putting the office into the small room and turning the former office into my oldest son’s room. This allowed my middle son to have a roommate and gave my oldest some space.

That worked for about a year and then my middle son was talking about how he wanted some space again. So I thought about it and we put my oldest and youngest together again. That is where they are now.

The issue is now my 8-year-old wants to be with one of his brothers again so we have some choices to make. We could put all three boys in one room but that is a little crazy. We could give the 4-year-old his own room, my other two had their own rooms at some point around that age. We could put the 8-year-old with the 4-year-old and give my 10-year-old his own room again but the 8 and 4-year-old don’t get along as well. We are really going to have to think about this.

So how do you decide where your kids are going to sleep?

There is a lot to think about. For my parents it was pretty easy. They just had a boy and a girl. For others it gets a little more complicated. The great thing is that you can be flexible and change things around as needed. You can get creative, making space for kids in other rooms. If your kids are older you can talk to them about what they would want and who they would want to room with.

How have you set up the rooms in your house? Has it been a challenge to figure out what the best way to do things would be? Head on over to Hello Mamas and find other moms to talk to about this or any other issues your family might be having.

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