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motherhood
On Being A Stay At Home Mom
I grew up with a stay at home mom. She was 33 when she had me and had already worked many years as a teacher. When I was in the 5th grade she went back as a full-time teacher for a year and then substituted after that until last year when she decided to join my Dad in retirement.
I am not sure if she is the reason why I did things the way I did. I knew I wanted to finish college before I got married. That was not something I was willing to compromise on. I got engaged at my graduation party and married 8 months later. I was pretty optimistic about my future career. I also had a plan. I would get a job I loved and work for a few years. Then we would have kids and I would become a stay at home mom. I didn’t really think much past that. I didn’t think about when I would go back to work. I just knew that I wanted to be a stay at home mom.
I wasn’t able to find a job in my career field that paid enough. They wanted someone with a Masters or someone who spoke spanish. I ended up working for a temp agency making more than I would have in some of the jobs I came across that would use my degree. Sociology is a degree but there isn’t much if you only have your BA.
I worked for about 2.5 years before my son was born and I finally got what I wanted. I was able to be a stay at home mom. We lived in a townhouse in the same city I had lived in for college, right where my husband grew up. When I quit my job I was selling books on Ebay. This brought in a little bit of money. After we moved to Kentucky, I added children’s clothing and got really into it. I was making a part-time income but it was busy and my mom helped out a lot from California as she would help shop for clothes I could sell.
Then, we moved to Germany. You can’t sell on Ebay in Germany so I closed up that business and was a stay at home mom until we moved back to the states in 2010. By then I had two boys and was pregnant with my third. I didn’t think I could do Ebay again, not the way I was doing it before so I focused on some other things. I had started my blog and was starting to get more interest in that.
Ever since 2010 I have been making money from home in one form or another. I love it. I love that I have something to focus on. I love that I have my own career and that I can do it around my kids, although that is very difficult sometimes. It’s much easier when all of them are in school on certain days. I am never ever bored because between the house, the kids and my work, there is always something to do.
At the moment I am a mix between the stay at home mom who takes care of the house and the work at home mom who is making some money. My husband works full-time out of the house. It’s very traditional looking. Yet, I don’t see myself that way. My husband was the stay at home Dad and I was working from home for part of 2014. I have good friends that are working moms. I don’t think one way is better than any other. You have to do what works for your family at the time.
And I am only 35…I have a lot of time. I can go back to school. I can grow my writing career. I feel like I have a lot of room to do something different in a few years if I want to.
What about you? Are you a SAHM? Do you work from home? Do you work outside the house? What’s your ideal?
Life in my 30s Vs Life in my 20s
36 is right around the corner. Sometimes I wonder how I got to be that old. I will be turning the big 40 in just a couple of years. I still remember when my Dad turned 40. I was only about five years old but my mom planned a big surprise party for him. They had a lot of party favors that said “Over the Hill” including a personalized Bingo game. It is hard to believe I will be that age in just a few years.
As I look back at my 30s so far and even back when I was in my 20s, I have to say there are some big differences. Some of these are more emotional and others just happen when you get to be a certain age.
- I can’t lose weight like I used to. It is harder. I can do the exact same things I did when I was in my 20s and it takes that much more to get the weight down. I didn’t think this would happen to me, but it did. This is why I want to have a good weight loss routine now because I bet it will be even harder to lose weight in my 40s.
- The white/grey hairs and the inner debating about coloring my hair. So they have appeared. I cut them and they come back. Those white and grey hairs are here and here to stay. I am not quite at a point where I would have to color my hair but it is coming. So do I let my hair do its natural thing or suck it up and start coloring it? Other than my senior year of high school and a handful of times since then have I even colored my hair. I am not one to want to mess with it. I am not one who wants to worry about having to get it done every six weeks. On the other hand, do I want to look older because I am letting it grey naturally?
- I am no longer a night owl. I used to stay up very late. I could stay up until 2 and get up at 6 or 7 and although tired, I could make it through. Now? I am lucky if I can make it to 11:30pm. I now fall asleep while watching tv which is something I never did before.
- My beliefs are changing. I have always been a Christian, I am still a Christian but my beliefs about what that truly means have been changing. I look at life differently than I did when I was in my 20s. I have heard more stories and seen more of the world. I think it is no wonder than my beliefs have shifted a little bit.
- High School is a lifetime away. It’s been 17.5 years since I graduated from high school. I was 18 and when I think about how it has been almost 18 years since that event, I feel a little in shock. I have not seen someone of the people I am friends with from high school on Facebook since that day. That was literally a lifetime ago. I am double the age I was. I have lived a whole ‘nother 18 years away from that place. When I was in my 20s, high school was several years away. It was something in the near past. Now? It feels like something a lot further away than that.
What about you? Are you in your 30s? What’s different for you?
If I Had To Do It All Over Again
I have been a mom now for over 10 years. 2004 was the year that changed everything. I first became pregnant in January and had a little boy the end of September. I was 25 and hand a handful of friends who already had kids. My sister-in-law already had three girls and my husband’s cousins all had children as well.
I also liked to read a lot about birth, pregnancy and parenting. I was on a few online forums and email lists where it came up. I felt like I was pretty prepared when my son was born. I was no expert but I had a general idea of how I wanted things to go.
Over the years I have changed my thinking on somethings and held strong to others. I realized that most of us moms are just trying to do the best we can, even if that looks different in each family. As I look back over the last 10 years I think about what I would do differently and what I would do if I was given the chance to do it all again.
1) Winter babies- I don’t like having winter babies. Maybe it wouldn’t be such a big deal if we lived in California or something but I don’t like having babies in the winter. When #2 came along in Germany, he got RSV. I decided I didn’t want to risk having another baby born around that time of the year. Then #3 was born in November. Luckily he did not get RSV. I don’t like that outside parties are just not an option for two of my three boys. So if I was doing it all over again, I would want them born in the spring or the summer.
2) Breastfeeding- I thought I would love breastfeeding and it would be easy. It wasn’t. I tried hard and was able to breastfeed my oldest until he was 17 months old. I wish I could have done that with my other two. It isn’t something I really feel guilt over. They were just fine on formula and I was able to breastfeed them 6 and 9 months. I just wish I had more support or found support when they were new. I think that really would have helped. Then I think, does it really matter? No, not really but it is something I wish I could have done differently.
3) No labels- Attachment parent, mainstream parent, crunchy parent, soggy parent, strict parent, etc etc. I hate that we have to put mothering in a check box. I just want to be who I am. If sometimes that looks like an attachment parent, that is cool. If other times I appear mainstream, that is cool too. I think what happens is that we want to find our tribe, a place to belong, a place where we will not be made fun of for making different choices. And that is a good thing. The problem is that for most people, your parenting doesn’t just fit in a box. Because I don’t CIO I only feed my child organic food? No, real life doesn’t work like that. At least that has been my experience. When we have all these labels it is easy to stop doing what is best for your child and trying to check all the boxes so that you can be included in the group. So doing it over again, I would have ignored all the labels and just focused on what my child needed. Even if that made me a hybrid.
4) Birthing Center– I had my oldest son at a birth center in California. It was such a great experience for us. I wish I could have had my other two that way. On the other hand, having them born in a German hospital and a Military hospital were interesting experiences. I am not sure I would want to change those.
What about you? What would you change about pregnancy, birth or parenting?
Parenting Without Feeling Guilty
It is hard to be a parent without feeling guilty at some point. It starts when you are pregnant and never really goes away. For some reason we all want to be the perfect parent. We don’t want to make any mistakes. We want to do it all right and we don’t want to be judged.
No matter what choices you make, there is always someone out there that would say you are making the wrong one. You really can’t win. For every parenting choice you make, there are a ton of articles out there that say you are wrong and just as many saying you are right.
What’s a parent to do about all that?
I think we should ignore it!
If I could do anything over again it would be to do what I feel is right and NOT feel any guilt for it. This is hard though. We moms want to know that we are making the right choices and sometimes it is hard to know what that is.
I always wanted to breastfeed. I worked so hard to do to it with my oldest and we made it to 17 months. So when I was faced with a decision to give my 2nd little boy formula at 9 months because he wasn’t growing like he should, I did what I thought was best. Maybe I was wrong, maybe I wasn’t. I don’t know. I know that once he started getting the formula he started gaining weight.
Did I feel guilty about that? Yes. Should I have? Probably not. Although I still think breastfeeding is the best way to go, sometimes formula is needed and sometimes it is just the way it needs to be. Does that kick me out of the pro-breastfeeding club? Maybe, but I have learned that it really doesn’t matter.
Guilt comes at all different times on our parenting journey. Sometime it is warranted yes, most of the time it isn’t.
How should a mom decide what is right and what is wrong? How are we supposed to know what to do? It is easy to have parenting ideals but what if they don’t add up to reality? What if life gets in the way? How do we know what we should hold onto and what we can let go?
When it comes to my kids these days, I try to do what is best. I try to do what is right. I read advice about what different people have done and go from there. And depending on the situation, sometimes I am okay with being wrong. Of learning a lesson through it. Because sometimes, it is really hard to know what is best for your child on a particular issue. And no one else can really tell you either.
So when guilt comes up, look at why you feel that way. Are you doing the best you can? If so, there is no reason to feel so guilty about things. I don’t think our goal should be to become a perfect parent.
I think our goal should be to be a good parent to the children we each have. And that is nothing we should feel guilty about.
Do you struggle with feeling guilty as a parent? How do you deal with that?
Guest Post: Motherhood and Social Media
Motherhood and Social Media
Before the advent of Facebook, Pinterest, Skype and various other social media tools, motherhood was, in some ways, a much more isolating experience. Of course, before social media, mothers may have had email, phone calls and in-person visits. But social media and tools like smart phones and web cams bring your friends and family right into your living room, regardless of location, and allow them experience the growth of your child up close and personal. These days, moms can keep in touch with friends and family like never before.
Social media serves another important purpose: it brings moms together and makes geography nearly irrelevant. You adopted your child from China? There is a Facebook page or blog dedicated to that where you can connect with other moms with children adopted from China and share your experiences, ask questions, and make friends. Ditto for many other motherhood experiences. The internet and social media help us stay connected and meet others of like minds or experiences. This can be immensely reassuring when you are faced with a motherhood dilemma outside your previous experience.
Here are some of the most common social media tools I have found useful and some that many of my friends who are moms love to use:
Although there are concerns that Facebook popularity is declining among teens, every mom I know uses it regularly. We post pictures of our kids, updates on our lives, questions about events at school and where to find a good pediatric dentist. It is a great tool for keeping up with both local friends and family and those that live far away.
You should be aware that Facebook is notorious for changing their privacy settings constantly and not informing users. Therefore, I never post anything on Facebook that is sensitive or private. You really can’t be absolutely sure who might see your post. Also, Facebook has had the tendency in the past to ban breast-feeding photos and sometimes delete those users’ accounts, so while it is your right to post these types of family photos, the network has shown a strange intolerance to them, so beware.
That said, I love keeping up with what my friend in Spain is doing and her daughter’s activities, as well as making plans with my neighborhood friends for a barbeque. I also belong to a Facebook group of moms with multiples and we talk about parenting issues specific to having twins or triplets.
Need an idea for a snack to serve for a toddler birthday party? Looking for an age-appropriate educational activity? How about nursery decorating ideas? That and more can be found on Pinterest by pinning photos and ideas of people you know and people you don’t. Along the way you can learn lots of interesting things about your friends. One of my friends has a prolific collection of dessert recipes – all involving chocolate. Another is obsessed with bookshelves of every shape and dimension. Another I can always count on for great ideas for appetizers.
Love photos? Instagram allows you to tap your inner photographer and view others photos. You can also share them on Facebook and other social media sites. It is an opportunity to showcase your life in photos for friends and family to see, but the profiles are public, so everyone else can see, too.
Skype
There is nothing better than Skype for keeping in touch with family and friends far away – it’s almost as good as being there. It’s free to talk computer-to-computer and while you have to remember to talk straight into the webcam (or else all people will see is your forehead), it is a live way to talk so your mother that lives five states (or a continent) away can see and hear your infant daughter cooing. My niece put on a trombone concert for my parents a few weeks ago and sometimes my best friend and I get on and chat after the kids have gone to bed in place of going out like we used to. You can even BYOB.
Email and Texting
Don’t care to share your whole life with the masses, or even just your online friends? It’s a valid concern – many sites have little to no security settings, so there is really no way to ensure that what you post stays within your circle of family and friends. Emailing and texting, now considered old-school, aren’t completely foolproof, but you have a reasonable expectation that your rant to your best friend about not getting any sleep and the lack of privacy while pumping at work will be seen only by her.
What was parenthood before social media? It was a lot more private, and really, there is no substitute for in-person visits, but when that isn’t possible, social media can be the next best thing. It also opens up so many parenting resources and avenues for creativity, information and validation. It’s a way for friends and family outside your local circle to see your kids grow up, and to me, that is pretty amazing.
This guest post is by a SmartMom Contributor. SmartMom is an easy way to receive fast answers to all of your parenting questions from the convenience of your mobile device. We’re launching in the app store soon – Visit our website http://smartmom.co for early access!
I Got Bell’s Palsy After I Gave Birth
On Thanksgiving morning, I woke up and my mouth was all weird. My ear also hurt. I wasn’t sure what was going on but when I woke up Friday morning feeling even worse I figured it was time to go into the doctor to see what was going on. Well we went in and I have Bell’s Palsy which can happen in your 3rd trimester or after you give birth. They told me it will take about 6-8 weeks to clear up. Fun.
Basically, half of my face is drooping. My right eye doesn’t blink or even close all the way. So I have eye drops for during the day and eye cream for the night. I also have to tape the eye shut when I sleep. My mouth just doesn’t work right. I have trouble eating and feel like I am giving my mouth a workout when I do. I can’t say certain words the right way. And when I try to smile it is scary. I feel like I am smiling but I look like I am pissed off or something. It’s all very odd.
They told me 6-8 weeks but hoping it can go away faster than that. But at least I know what is wrong with me now and don’t have to keep wondering.
I will just have to explain to Joshua one day why I look a little mad in all the newborn pictures of him and me together.
My husband is going back to work this next week which I am a little nervous about. His mom will be here a few more days and then my mom is coming out for about 12 days.
I am hoping that we can get through this time without too much trouble. Bell’s Palsy sounds so scary and you really don’t know how it will affect you long term.