Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Special needs

When You See A Child Throwing A Fit

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When You See A Child Throwing A Fit

When You See A Child Throwing A Fit

The other day there was a video being posted online about a boy throwing a tantrum in the car. Although I thought it was a little odd that they were filming and not pulling the car over, I felt sympathy for the kind of fit the kid was having.

It was the kind of fit I am familiar with.

It was just like an autistic fit.

Maybe it wasn’t. Maybe the kid had no behavioral issues and was just acting like that to get his way. But maybe not.

But the thing that really struck me was the comments people were making about the kid. About if he were their son his “butt would be beat” or how their own child never would have been allowed to act that way. It gave me insight into what people could be thinking if I was out in public when my son was having a similar fit.

But it also made me feel like people just don’t get it. That they don’t understand what it is like to have a child like that.

I know for me that anytime I am anywhere and see a child with a similar fit my thoughts immediately think there is some type of special needs going on. That is based on my own experiences and what I have had to deal with.

I know that others don’t think that way and have their own opinions about the subject.

As a special needs mom I have learned to ignore a lot about what people say concerning my child. There is ignorance out there and there is acceptance. I try to surround myself with people who get it and who are not going to judge.

I really do wish that instead of assuming a child needs harsher discipline that people would take a step back and remember that most moms are doing their best and there are certain issues that some children have that cause them to act in certain ways.

That although it might not seem like it, that child could be improving. That they used to throw 5 fits a day and now they are down to 3.

That the mom was up all night because the same child doesn’t sleep and gave in when she really probably shouldn’t have. Because that happens sometimes.

That the day was going really well until something small set the child off and their parents are still learning how to handle what is happening to their son.

That the parents are still trying to wrap their minds around a diagnosis that they never saw coming.

That the fit you see is not quite as loud and harsh as it used to be and that the parents are thankful for that.

That the parents are working with professionals about how to figure out what to do next with their child.

There are so many reasons why that child is throwing a fit at the moment. You just never know what someone else could be dealing with. Give them the benefit of the doubt, offer help if it makes sense to and just be a bigger person then one that assumes they know what is best for someone else’s child.

All of us special needs moms will with thank you for it.

Feeling Weak When Others Are Strong

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Feeling Weak When Others Are Strong

I love social media, I really do. I can’t imagine life without it these days but sometimes it can really frustrate me. Sometimes I think we only want to post about ourselves when we are strong. When we have it all put together and when everything is happy-go-lucky. I even hear people talk about how one should never complain on social media because it brings others down.

Really?

Now I agree, someone who is going to complain 24/7, on every post or even in real life every time you see them is going to bring others down. However, I do think it is okay to vent, complain or even share that you are not at your best.

There is this idea, especially in Military circles, that we are strong, all the time. That nothing can stand in our way. That we can conquer every little thing. Well, for me, that isn’t always true. There are some days I do feel strong, that I do feel like I have it all together but there are other days I don’t. There are days I feel very weak and days I don’t think I can really get through what I need to get through. I look around me and see others being so strong, doing it all and then some, being able to figure it all out, never getting upset or shedding a tear.

In reality I know that no one is that together all of the time. It is the face we present to the world. It is very easy to just show the good and happy moments.

Still, when I wake up sad and wonder how I will make it through the day without breaking down, I see people being strong through much harder circumstances and I wonder if something is wrong with me. That I am letting what I am going through bring me down so much and that they have figured out a way to get through it. Then I remember that I see 100% of myself and what I am going through and we really only see 10-20% of what others are going through. There is that quote about not comparing our “novel” with someone else’s “cliff notes” and that is so true.

I shouldn’t feel badly that I am having a bad day or that I feel like I couldn’t handle anymore stress at the moment just because someone else doesn’t seem to have an issue with it. We were all made differently with our own strengths and weaknesses. We can go through the exact same thing as someone else and have a totally different experience with it. And there are probably other circumstances they have gone though that they felt were very difficult that I didn’t think twice about.

I think it is important to have the right “tools” to get through stressful situations. Things to do such as praying or writing in a journal. People to talk with such as a best friend, family member or counselor. Still, some days those tools don’t work right and you just need to have a good cry or a good sob in some cases.

Sometimes it is because of a drill weekend right when I just need to spend time with my husband, sometimes it is because of my son’s special needs, sometimes it is because I am so homesick for my family and other times it is everything all put together.

It’s so hard to feel weak when others seem like they are so strong. Do you struggle with this too? What do you do about it?

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back When Raising a Special Needs Child

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Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

When my oldest was diagnosed with a developmental delay, I knew that someday he would grow out of it. Then a few years later my 2nd little boy was diagnosed with Asperger’s. This was a whole different ball game. He would always be autistic. That would never ever go away.

However, that doesn’t mean we don’t make progress or that he never improves. It means that we will work with him over the years to be able to grow and learn how to live in this world.

We started with ABAtherapy and now we have a great team who work with him at school.

When I look back at where he has been, we have made some amazing progress. For one thing, he gets on the bus like a pro. He used to just stand there refusing to get on it. I also used to get calls a lot of the time that he was having a horrible day or that he needed to be picked up. Things have been so much better this year in second grade. For one thing he matured so much over the summer. It was only 2.5 months but he seemed to really start to get the whole school thing.

That is why yesterday I was in for a shock when the bus tried to drop him off and he wouldn’t get off because he had a bad day. The school tells me what happens and it gets sent home in a folder. He knew he would not be able to play video games and earn a token for his day. I was able to get him off the bus and he was in tears. I had flashbacks to 1st grade and started to panic.

“How will he finish the end of the year? We still have 2.5 weeks to go?”

“How will he get on the bus in the morning? He is refusing to go back to school.”

“What did I do wrong? Everything was working. It was working!!!”

That is what flashed in my mind when we got into the house. I was worried. I just didn’t know where this was coming from and I wasn’t sure how I was going to calm him down.

I took a few breaths and remembered that we have come a long way and that with Asperger’s, it is very much two steps forward and one step back. And that’s exactly what this was, just a step back.

I talked things over with my son. We talked about what went wrong, why he got so upset and what we could do to make it better the next day. Within about 30 minutes he was calm and eating his snack. He assured me that tomorrow would be a much better day. I hope it is, but even if it isn’t, I know we have come such a long way with him and that this is normal. It is all a part of him figuring out the world and working on his behavior. I also have an IEP meeting later this week so I can bring up what happened. We will also be planning for third grade which makes me a little nervous.

I am hoping that he will mature more over the summer like last year and that third grade can be a great year for him. I don’t want him to always hate school and I don’t think he really does but it is hard to hear when he is having such a frustrating day.

Two steps forward and one step back is such a part of his journey. It probably always will be.

Do you go through this with your special needs child?

What You Can Do When You Are Overwhelmed With Your Child’s Special Needs

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What You Can Do When You Are Overwhelmed With Your Child's Special Needs

As a special needs mom, I get stressed quite a bit. If I am not worrying about my child, I am just tired from the day-to-day of making sure he is getting what he needs and that I am able to do what is best for him. Somedays I just get overwhelmed by it all.

Do you ever feel this way? That it is just too much and you are not sure what the next step is? Or that you just don’t think you are capableof helping your child in the way they need it?

I think we all feel this way from time to time. What can we do about it? Crawling into bed and sleeping for 12 hours isn’t really an option. Here is what you can do when you are feeling overwhelmed with your child’s special needs-

  • Remember how far you guys have come. Think back to when you first got the diagnosis. Think about the positives. For us it is very much a two steps forward, 1.5 steps back type of thing. If I look back at where he was a year ago or two years ago, I can see we are making progress and remembering that can go a long way in helping me work through any frustrations.
  • Find your people. They don’t even have to be people who have special needs kids too. They just need to be people who can understand and be supportive. That you can lean on, discuss things with and trust with your children.
  • Do more research. Sometimes it is helpful to look more into your current struggle. Or, to find a different way to approach something. The more information you have about it, the better you might be able to figure out a better way to handle it. Find good resources and don’t be afraid to ask questions to people who are in the know.
  • Plan a break. It might be hard to find some time to yourself, so you will have to plan it. I remember when my son was first being diagnosed another special needs mom told me that she goes out and spends some time with friends or by herself every Saturday. By doing this, she is giving herself the break that she needed. If she skipped a Saturday, she could feel it. Going out alone every Saturday might not be an option for you but something is. Take a look at your schedule and figure out when you can schedule some me time for yourself where your children are being taken care of by someone you trust. Even if you just go out and walk around the mall for 30 minutes.
  • Journal. Whenever I have any type of issue in my life, I journal it. It helps to get it out, to really think about what is going on and to get some clarity. Pick out a nice new journal, keep it by your bed or on your desk and try to write a little each day. It can also be a great resource to go through in the future when you are trying to remember what happened when.

Remember that feeling overwhelmed about special needs is normal. Figuring out a good way to handle it and work through your struggles is a good thing.

What do you do when you are feeling too overwhelmed?

How I Knew My Son Had Autism

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How I knew my son had autism

“Well after looking at everything I feel comfortable in diagnosing him as having Asperger’s which is on the Autism spectrum.”

This is what the behavioral doctor said to us after three months of testing. We were not surprised.

This was in 2012 and now they have eliminated Asperger’s as a diagnoses but from what I understand, Drew is grandfathered in and is still considered to have it.

We started to think something was a little off when he was four. He started preschool for the first time and was having a lot of trouble with it.

His older brother had been diagnosed with a developmental delay when he was three. This was something that our world seemed to be revolving around when Drew was born. As he grew and started to talk, I thought he was okay. He was saying more when he turned two then his brother was at four. He had to be okay.

He walked late, at 15 months but that isn’t something to be concerned about. He hit all the milestones he was supposed to.

Before we moved back to the US he had only been in childcare a handful of times. So at first, I thought that was it. He just wasn’t used to being in that setting. Once he got going with it he would be fine. When I brought it up with his regular doctor, that is what she said too. But he wasn’t fine. He didn’t want to do what he was supposed to do. He would get mad when it was time to change from one thing to another. I started to cringe when I would walk into his room to pick him up wondering what he might have done that day.

I started taking him to hourly care on post which was great. The staff there figured out how to work with him a little bit. So if I wanted to go to PWOC or MOPS I would put drew in hourly since I knew they would have less issues with him there. I would also prep him a lot in the car on the way there. We would go over what was expected and how he should act.

It was then I started having this feeling like something was off. We had an almost four-year old and in a lot of ways he was acting like a two-year old. He would act like a kid who was never told no in his life and that clearly wasn’t how we were raising him. It was so frustrating for us. In the back of my head I knew something wasn’t right. Then we talked more with the teachers and knew we should have him be seen.

I have always believed that moms always know. I knew something was going on with Daniel. I have talked to other moms and they just “know” something is going on with their kids. If you think something is off with one of your children, go in and see if you can find out more. What is the worst that could happen? And the sooner you can find out what is going on, the sooner you can help them.

So we started the process in October of 2011 right before he turned five. During the few months we had different appointments and filled out a lot of paperwork. The doctor met with us, heard our concerns. He met with Drew. He had his teachers fill out a lot of paperwork and Ben and I did as well. Then he met with us again. During the months while we waited for the diagnoses I started reading a little bit about Asperger’s. I was drawn to this as the reason my son was acting the way he was. I didn’t know too much about it other than hearing stories from friends. I then read a little bit of Look Me in the Eye by John Elder Robison. The first chapter talks about how as a child he would hit his friends for “not playing right.” BINGO! That was Drew. He would get so mad if another child didn’t play right.

Asperger's

By the time we went for the diagnosis. I already knew. My son had Asperger’s. My son had Autism. I knew because he had trouble with no. I knew because he had a “list” in his head of how his day should go and anyone who told him differently was mean. I knew because he was different from the other kids. I knew because he liked to talk over and over about Star Wars or Legos or whatever it was in he was into. I knew because one day he played with a Lego car on the stairs all day long. I knew because he liked certain foods a certain way. I knew because he had his chair and didn’t want anyone else to sit in it. I just knew.

And these days, as we work through the issues we need to work through, I can see more and more how Asperger’s affects his life. How it will make it harder for him and how we as his parents have to do things a little differently because of it. He has come a long way from his preschool days. We have worked hard with ABA , at home and with his school. I know we have a lot of challenges ahead but I am thankful for that diagnoses because it helped us know exactly how to help our son do what he needs to do to get through each day.

Do you have an Autistic child? Did you know they were before they were diagnosed?

Dear Asperger’s, You Can Shove It

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Living with Asperger'sMy son has Asperger’s. We have known this for almost three years now. It has been a challenge for us, some days more than others.

I don’t have Asperger’s but I sometimes can understand why he feels the way he does. Why he gets so frustrated. I get it. Not 100% and not to the degree that he does but I can understand a little bit.

I get why he gets so frustrated when things don’t go the way he thought they were going to go. It is almost as if he wakes up every morning with a list of what is going to happen that day. And if things don’t happen the way he wants them to, he has a very hard time. Some days he wakes up not wanting to go to school. So then getting to school is a problem. It wasn’t on his “list.” The older he gets the more he will understand that there are certain things he has to do each day and school is one of them. We have already seen some improvement with that but still have a long way to go.

When it comes to food, he only likes certain foods. More than just one or two which I am thankful for but still, it can be frustrating sometimes. Like tacos. He loves tacos we make from home but try to offer him a taco from a restaurant and forget it. He has serious hate for Taco Bell too, which happens to be his brother’s favorite place to eat.

He has a few snacks he likes and wants to have each day. Apples, tortilla chips, milk and yogurt if we have it. He might eat crackers or goldfish but it depends. Carrots he will eat with dinner but never ever as a snack.

He can’t stand certain things and sometimes it seems quite random to me. But I am sure he has his reasons, even if we don’t understand them.

It’s hard for me as a mom sometimes. The other day he was having a lot of trouble with getting to school and I just broke down about it. Why doesn’t he get he goes to school each day? Why? It could be something as little as his brother asking him the wrong question. We can talk about it and sometimes he will tell me. That helps but it is still hard.

Sometimes I catch myself thinking about how different things would be if he didn’t have Asperger’s. Then I feel bad because he is who he is because he has Asperger’s. He would be a different kid if he didn’t have it.

At the end of the day I know that he will be okay. He will figure out school and will eventually learn how to act right even if it is hard for him. He will start to figure out the world. But even so he will still struggle. He might always hate non homemade tacos and my never be able to get over it when someone says certain things. But hopefully he will be able to learn how to act and be able to handle it better than he does today.

Some days I just need to tell Asperger’s to shove it. To yell at it and tell it that it is making my little boy’s life really hard. But that won’t do anything but make me feel a little better. Because Asperger’s will always be with him and we will also be there to help him through it. The best way that we can.

Life As A Special Needs Mom

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In 2007, my almost three-year old boy was diagnosedwith a developmental delay. We first realized something was going on when by 2.5 he was not saying a whole lot. He could say a handful of word such as “mama” or “ball”but he was not talking like the other 2.5 year olds we knew.

Life As A Special Needs MomI don’t remember being terribly upset about this. I knew that if we knew what was wrong it would be a lot easier to get him help. He started a developmental preschool right away. At age 5.5 when we moved to Tennessee he started extra speech therapy and started in a special needs Kindergarten class. The next year he repeated Kindergarten in a regular classroom.

He is now 9.5 and only needs a little bit of speech help at school. He dropped the DD label last April. They told us in 2007 that around 2nd grade he would probably be caught up. That is pretty much true. While he is by no means a “mature” 9.5 year old, he is right where he needs to be school wise. His special needs were very hard from ages 2.5-around 6. I remember trying to talk to my 5.5 year old boy about his day and he couldn’t have a conversation with me. It broke my heart, it really did. But now at 9.5, we can talk about most things. I will never forget those years.

I have friends whose children are very young who are just starting the speech process. I am glad that I can be there to support them as we have already gone through what they are about to. To let them know that their own child is going to be just fine.

In 2012, his brother who was 5 at the time, was diagnosed with Asperger’s. This was going to be a whole different special needs ball game. You don’t grow out of Asperger’s like you do a Developmental Delay. It is who my son is. Luckily we were able to start therapy with him right away.

It’s been two years and we have had so many ups and downs. Hejust finished the 1st grade and academically he is at the top of his class. Socially andbehaviorallywe have a long way to go. I have heard from Moms with kids withAsperger’s that it will get better. That he will figure out how to act, how to control his anger, that he won’t always expect to always get his own way. Some days it seems like we will never get there. I also have to remind myself that things are different for our little family. In some ways we can make life normal, in others we have to adjust a little bit.

That is one of the hardest parts about being a special needs parent.

Being able to accept that the vision you had for your family, is not going to be your reality.

And it might be farther off that you could have ever dreamed. That situations you thought would be easy, become a big challenge. That you cry more than you thought you might. That some days you question what you did wrong to cause it, even if it had nothing to do with you. You can’t help it. Your mind just keeps turning, trying to make peace with it all.

And I remember that I am really not alone in all this. There are others going through what we go through, there are others that have it much worse. At the end of the day, I look at my little family and feel in my heart that everything is the way it is supposed to be. That being a special needs mom is just who I am. That some days it will be hard and others will be a little easier. That really, there is no such thing as normal. It is just a setting on the dryer 😉

Moms just know

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As a Mom, you know your kids. If your child had special needs that you didn’t find out about at birth or during your pregnancy, you will remember when you first started to think something was going on. Most likely it was before anyone else knew something was up.

Moms just know.

I knew when my 2.5 year old wasn’t talking that something was up, I was right, he had a developmental delay.

I knew something wasn’t right with my 3.5 year old. No he had never been in a childcare setting before but something wasn’t right. He never grew out of some of the behaviors he should have. I felt like nothing we did with him worked. I was right, he had Asperger’s.

I have talked with other special needs parents and it seems that Moms, they just know. They always question it first. Husbands might ignore it. Doctors might brush it off as normal behavior, but a Mom always knows. And I know in some cases it is the Dad. I am not trying to say that only females have this kind of intuition but from what I have seen it is usually the Mom. Most of my friends stay at home with the kids while their husband is in the Military which I am sure has something to do with it. Moms are with the kids all the time and the Dads are away a lot of the time. My husband was deployed when I took my oldest son in for testing.

Moms know their children very well. We know how they eat, how they talk and how they sleep. We agonize over it before they are even born. We try to figure out the best way to handle the early years. As the child grows we start to wonder if something doesn’t seem quite right. We question ourselves. We ask our friends and our doctors.

I had brought up Drew’s issues twice with the regular doctor. They kinda brushed it off. But I knew and it took him going to regular preschool for me to make the call to be seen by a behavioral doctor. And I did this because I knew. Something wasn’t right. He wasn’t just getting used to school. He wasn’t just a normal four-year old. And I was right. Something was going on.

If you are a Mom or Dad and you are worried about your child, don’t give up on trying to figure out what is wrong. Deep down you know if something isn’t quite right. Trust your gut and keep asking questions. My experience is with Tricare. I called my son’s PCM and asked for a referral to the behavioral pediatrician. After a few months we finally got an appointment and started the process of figuring out what was going on. Sometime the process is hard and takes too long. That isn’t fair but keep at it. If no one is calling you back, you call them. Work hard to get the testing you think your child might need. It will be worth it in the end.

Do you have experience with feeling something was wrong with your child before anyone else did? Was it a struggle?

Since today is World Autism Awareness Day, I will be posting about Asperger’s, Autism and Special needs all week. Yesterday I talked about Accepting Autism.