I wrote this post a day before my husband left on his 4th deployment. No OPSEC rules have been broken.
This is the last day. How did this happen so fast? The deployment was coming up for so long and now the day is almost here. He is at work. They have him at work the day before he goes. Why Army why? You get him for the next nine months, why can’t I have him all day today?
I just want to freeze time…but then I don’t. I want time to move forward, but I don’t want to have to spend all that time without him.
Nine months. Maybe more. Maybe less. I will take each day at a time, each hour, if I have to.
Some days will be good. We will have fun, and we won’t miss him quite as much. Other days will be hard. There will be a lot of tears, and Homecoming will feel so far away.
Will he be ok? Will we see him again? These are the questions I have to ask. I have to. Not everyone comes home from war. Most likely, he will. The odds are in our favor. But still…I wonder. Is this it? Is this all we have?
I dread tomorrow. D day. The day he leaves.
The driving to drop him off. The last kiss. The last hug. Watching the person I tell everything to walk away is heartbreaking. Knowing they will be in danger is terrifying. Thinking about living apart makes me bawl.
Deployment #4. How did we get here? How is it possible? It hasn’t even been TWO years yet. Uh!
So many emotions. So many feelings.
I dread the first day. I walk around the house, looking at his stuff—from the coffeemaker he won’t be using for a while to his clothes that won’t be worn until next year. I remember how the night before he left, we sat together and watched that one movie, how just a couple of days ago we were out back BBQing together, and how last year at this time, we were getting ready for a family trip to California.
I think about how much he will miss.
Summer. The start of school. Birthdays. Halloween. Thanksgiving. Christmas. All that comes with the holiday season. The snow might come, and he will still be over there.
I think about what I will focus on to get through: my boys, my blog, my garden, my books.
I wonder how much I will grow as a person. I wonder how much he will grow.
How will we be different? Will we struggle to connect again? Will this be the deployment that breaks us?
As I sit here, the day before my husband has to go, all I can feel is dread. Knowing that this time tomorrow, I will be in tears. But also knowing that this time tomorrow is one day closer to his returning, and our countdown can begin.
Have you just started a deployment? If so, check out my other blog posts on deployment and make sure to join my Facebook support group.
