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When You Can’t Control Military Life: Learning to Let Go

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When You Can’t Control Military Life: Learning to Let Go

It can sometimes feel like we have so little control over our lives as military spouses. We might not get a say during a PCS, but we definitely don’t get a say during deployments. And we may have to put our careers on hold or pivot in a way we never would have thought.

Coping with lack of control as a military spouse means learning to live in the space between orders, uncertainty, and the life you’re trying to build anyway. And while this isn’t easy, it is a great skill to learn.

When the Orders Change

We know that orders might change, but that doesn’t mean it is easy when it happens. We can get excited about certain orders or certain plans. But then they change. The best thing to do is to remind yourself that this can happen and plan accordingly, and always write in your planner in pencil.

Learning to live with uncertainty

The truth is, military life is learning about how to live with uncertainty. It is about learning to pivot and being okay with change. It is not holding too tightly to things, but also being able to plan between the messiness of this life.

It’s Okay to Get Frustrated

It’s also okay to get frustrated about all of this. It is okay to wonder if you and your spouse should have some serious talks about how long they will serve for. It is okay to be annoyed about it all. But it is also best to figure out how to move forward rather than sit in the sadness of it all.

Look for Opportunities

You will need to look for opportunities within military life. They are out there. Maybe that means learning a new skill during a deployment, or getting to know a duty station you didn’t think you would like. Maybe it means getting creative or stepping out of your comfort zone.

At the end of the day, we will not be able to control as much as we could if we were not married to a service member, but we can still work on our own goals. We might have to let certain things go, but we can also find a good balance between the military and our own lives.

If you are new to military life, all of this can feel overwhelming. It can feel as if you don’t have any control over your life. But coping with a lack of control as a military spouse and finding your way will remind you that you are more capable than you think you are.

The Scary News of War, As a Military Spouse

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The Scary News of War, As a Military Spouse

By now, I am sure you have heard the news that the US and Israel have attacked Iran. And with that comes a lot of horrifying updates. And the question, what does that mean for us? For the military? For those overseas?

It Can Be Scary

It can be scary. So so scary. Not knowing. Knowing. Wondering. Crying. As military spouses, we often struggle to find our footing. We don’t know what to expect.

War is a scary word!

If you are a seasoned or veteran spouse, you probably have experience with deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan. You know what a season of war looks like. You remember how scary it all was.

It is Hard to Make Sense of It All

It is also hard to make sense of it all. You ask yourself, is this what we should be doing? Is America in the right? And if they are not, what do we do as military spouses? How do we view everything going on?

And as we hear more, we pray. We pray for our country. We pray for our service member. We pray for everyone in harm’s way. And then we wonder. Will our prayers help? Will anything help? 

We hear this is the beginning of WW3. Is it? What does that mean for a military family? And if it isn’t? If it is something else? What does that look like?

There Are So Many Unknowns

The truth is, there are so many unknowns. When it comes to military action, it can be hard to understand what will happen next. 

Although what is happening now is new, war is not. The threat of war is not. Worry about war is not. 

I have been there before. What happens in the news deeply affects military families, and this is no exception. It’s scary. It’s overwhelming. It can feel unjust.

So Many Questions

You ask yourself, will this extend his deployment? Will this mean she won’t join us at our new duty station right now? Will I ever get to see him? 

It is hard to know what it all means for the military community. It is hard to take a breath and believe it will all be okay. Because when your loved ones are the literal boots on the ground. You can’t relax. Your hope is gone.

All you see ahead is the reality of war.

War is Always Messy

So, to the military spouse or military family member reading this, I can’t tell you that everything will turn out okay. I don’t even know what okay looks like. War is always messy. 

But I can tell you something I know is true. The military community comes together every time. They always have because we are the ones who understand each other.

We are the ones who understand what it means to send the love of our lives off to war. We are the ones who understand the uncertainty and fear that come with any military action. 

Remember, You Are Not Alone

So, when you watch the news and don’t know what to think, when fear creeps in, remember that you are not alone. There is a whole military spouse community out there going through the same thing with you. Through the good and the bad. Through the scary and through the stuff that gives us hope.

Always remember that. 

The Scary News of War, As a Military Spouse

Know an Amazing Military Kid? Here’s How to Honor Them with National Recognition

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Know an Amazing Military Kid? Here’s How to Honor Them with National Recognition

Nominate. Elevate. Celebrate.  

National nonprofit Our Military Kids is asking people across the country to act on those three words to honor the bravery and leadership of military kids by sharing their during the Courageous Kids Contest.  

Our Military Kids offers support and community to children of National Guard, Reserve, and wounded, ill, or injured post-9/11 veteran parents. They do that by distributing activity grants (more on that in a minute!) and hosting the Courageous Kids Contest.  

How to enter 

Here’s exactly what you need to know about the contest. The Courageous Kids Contest is an annual event that celebrates kids during the Month of the Military Child. Nominations are open until March 8.  

Adults are invited to nominate a child or teen who has demonstrated leadership or role model qualities in their communities, activities, and/or within their families in the past year, while also having a parent who: 

  • Deployed with the National Guard or Reserve in 2025, OR 
  • Received care for a post-9/11, combat-related injury, illness, or wound in 2025 

Contest winners are announced in April and receive a cash prize, prizes from GOVX, a certificate, and national recognition. 

Applying for activity awards 

Let’s talk about Our Military Kids’ activity awards, too. Applications are available year-round for eligible military families. Each child in a family can receive a grant worth up to $300 to help them participate in an activity of their choice—like swimming lessons, indoor drumline, tutoring, or Little League. The grants allow kids to enjoy a passion, gain confidence, create special memories, and build onto their existing support system without an increased strain on family finances.  

The impact is huge. In the 22 years of Our Military Kids’ existence, they’ve distributed more than 100,000 activity awards, investing in thousands of military kids. Just like the Courageous Kids Contest, the activity awards have a ripple effect across the military and across thousands of communities all over the country. 

Nominate a military child today 

National Guard, Reserve, and wounded veteran families can often feel disconnected from the military and civilian communities. The Courageous Kids Contest offers those families and friends share what life is like for their military kids. It also gives a chance for kids to be elevated and celebrated for their accomplishments, sticktoitiveness, and courage in the face of obstacles and challenges.  

Don’t miss your chance—take a few minutes to complete the short form to nominate your kiddo at ourmilitarykids.org/contest. If you don’t have an eligible military kid to nominate, please share this article with a friend who does. The Our Military Kids team can’t wait to be inspired by the bravery and leadership of this year’s nominated kids and to share their stories with the world. 

Know an Amazing Military Kid? Here’s How to Honor Them with National Recognition

Joanna Guldin is a contract communications professional working with Our Military Kids to support the 2026 Courageous Kids Contest. Joanna has worked in the military community for more than a decade with for-profit and non-profit entities. She is the writer behind one Jo, My Gosh! and is the co-founder of PILLAR, a yearly virtual retreat for military spouses and significant others dealing with their partners’ deployment.  

7 Military Life Truths That Drive Military Spouses Nuts

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7 Military Life Truths That Drive Military Spouses Nuts

There are some military life truths that we military spouses don’t like. Often, there is nothing we can do to change them, but sometimes, we can. Either way, they really drive us nuts!

1. The Military is in control of so much of our lives

As much as we don’t want the military to be so much a part of our lives, as much as we say that it is THEIR career, not OURS, the military will be in your business. From your healthcare to where you live to whether or not you even get to spend the summer with your spouse, they are always there.

Sure, some spouses distance themselves quite a bit, but they will find that the military is always right around the corner. The best thing to do is embrace it, recognize it, and learn how to work with the military system the best way you can.

2. Our spouse missing the birth of our children

So many of us military spouses have had to give birth without our spouses by our side. Whether they were deployed to Iraq, in South Korea, or even across the country training, the military made it so they could not be there. This can be an overwhelming thought before it happens, but if you talk to people who have been through it, you will find that with the right support system, giving birth without your husband is something you can handle.

7 Military Life Truths That Drive Military Spouses Nuts

3. Not all military housing is good

Not everyone likes their military housing. Some of it is older and more run down. Some of it doesn’t make sense for a growing family. In many cases, there isn’t a whole lot you can do about this. You can always move off post/base, but sometimes that isn’t even an option.

4. Not everyone we meet is trustworthy

Sadly, not every military spouse you meet is going to be trustworthy. Just because they married someone who serves, that doesn’t mean they are a good person. So you do need to be careful about who you trust and who you put your faith in.

On the other hand, most military spouses are worth getting to know. We come from different backgrounds and different places, but we all know what it is like to miss our spouse, and we can help one another out. The military community as a whole has a lot to offer.

5. The pay isn’t always enough

Military pay isn’t always going to be enough. Many military spouses will find that their budget will require another type of income. While good financial planning and budgets go a long way, sometimes life is just too expensive.

If your spouse is lower ranking, it can feel quite overwhelming, especially if you have a few kids too. If you are a spouse looking to work forward in your career, knowing that money will help, and you can’t find a job, you are going to be pretty upset with the situation.

Remember that as your spouse moves up in rank, their paychecks will get better. Don’t be afraid to pursue your own career dreams, and make sure to have a clear budget. Being on the same page as your spouse regarding your money will also go a long way.

7 Military Life Truths That Drive Military Spouses Nuts

6. TRICARE can be a pain

TRICARE gives us some fantastic benefits, but sometimes TRICARE can also be a big pain. Dealing with them can all be a big headache between waiting for appointments, waiting on referrals, and being told they don’t pay for something we think they should.

The best thing to do is learn all you can about TRICARE and any future changes. Learn who to call and how to ask for what you need. Learn about the benefits and work hard to ensure your family gets them.

7. We can’t always find our people

One big piece of military spouse advice is to find some good friends to get through a deployment or military life in general. But it isn’t always so easy to find our people. Sometimes, we have to go months or even years without a best friend nearby.

As much as you put yourself out there, sometimes you can’t find anyone you click with. The only real solution to this is time. Remember, in the military community, someone is always leaving, and someone is always moving in. Every day is a new chance to find your people.

In the end, some of these truths can be changed. If you don’t like your military housing, you can move or even work for change. The pay isn’t enough, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find your own well-paying career. Not everyone is trustworthy, but we can be that friend others can depend on.

What truth about military life drives you nuts???

On The Emotional Day Before They Deploy

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On The Emotional Day Before They Deploy

I wrote this post a day before my husband left on his 4th deployment. No OPSEC rules have been broken.

This is the last day. How did this happen so fast? The deployment was coming up for so long and now the day is almost here. He is at work. They have him at work the day before he goes. Why Army why? You get him for the next nine months, why can’t I have him all day today?

I just want to freeze time…but then I don’t. I want time to move forward, but I don’t want to have to spend all that time without him.

Nine months. Maybe more. Maybe less. I will take each day at a time, each hour, if I have to.

Some days will be good. We will have fun, and we won’t miss him quite as much. Other days will be hard. There will be a lot of tears, and Homecoming will feel so far away.

Will he be ok? Will we see him again? These are the questions I have to ask. I have to. Not everyone comes home from war. Most likely, he will. The odds are in our favor. But still…I wonder. Is this it? Is this all we have?

I dread tomorrow. D day. The day he leaves.

The driving to drop him off. The last kiss. The last hug. Watching the person I tell everything to walk away is heartbreaking. Knowing they will be in danger is terrifying. Thinking about living apart makes me bawl.

Deployment #4. How did we get here? How is it possible? It hasn’t even been TWO years yet. Uh!

So many emotions. So many feelings.

I dread the first day. I walk around the house, looking at his stuff—from the coffeemaker he won’t be using for a while to his clothes that won’t be worn until next year. I remember how the night before he left, we sat together and watched that one movie, how just a couple of days ago we were out back BBQing together, and how last year at this time, we were getting ready for a family trip to California.

I think about how much he will miss.

Summer. The start of school. Birthdays. Halloween. Thanksgiving. Christmas. All that comes with the holiday season. The snow might come, and he will still be over there.

I think about what I will focus on to get through: my boys, my blog, my garden, my books.

I wonder how much I will grow as a person. I wonder how much he will grow.

How will we be different? Will we struggle to connect again? Will this be the deployment that breaks us?

As I sit here, the day before my husband has to go, all I can feel is dread. Knowing that this time tomorrow, I will be in tears. But also knowing that this time tomorrow is one day closer to his returning, and our countdown can begin.

Have you just started a deployment? If so, check out my other blog posts on deployment and make sure to join my Facebook support group. 

On The Emotional Day Before They Deploy

Taking the Fear out of Friendship

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No one warns you how hard it is to make friends as an adult. I remember the quiet darkness of my first apartment and the loneliness of navigating my first job.

I remember the struggle to meet new people when my budget was tight, my free time was limited, and interesting and recurring activities were hard to find. That experience, however, was a walk in the park compared to the adjustment of being a military wife a few years later.

Over the course of four years, I had established genuine friendships, working relationships with my coworkers, and membership in organizations that filled my cup and brought me joy. Suddenly, that period of stability was uprooted by a move thousands of miles away to Guam, the furthest point away from Virginia that I could possibly think of. My friends and family were a 24-hour, over two-thousand-dollar plane ride away, and calls and texts had to be navigated over a 14-hour time difference. 

It’s been a year and a half since that major transition, and we’re preparing for another international move this summer. While I’m nervous for the change, I’m feeling less afraid this time. I’ve found a community that makes saying goodbye and see-you-later difficult. I know that there will be a period of loneliness and anxiety, but I am hopeful for the friendships that I will build in every new place that we call home. 

If you’re in the same boat, here are some ways that I’ve found success with finding friends.

Work 

Maintaining your career while moving every 2-3 years is challenging, especially if you’re navigating childcare, lengthy deployments, and an industry that is location-specific. As a teacher, I am a bit constrained by state licensing requirements, but I was lucky enough to land a job at a private school during my first year.

Having the same familiar work routine was comforting, and I was lucky enough to have a cohort that included another American who was brand new to Guam. We were both engaged, about the same age, and from similar places, and we began to seek each other out for company. We currently compete in pub trivia every week, have played pickleball, have celebrated Memorial Day with a BBQ, and have celebrated a birthday together. 

Outside of my full-time job, I also wanted the opportunity to work for myself and to build a career that could easily travel with me. I began to teach creative writing classes in the community, and this was a fantastic opportunity to collaborate with and meet groups and business owners with similar interests. It pushed me outside of my comfort zone and led to some meaningful coffee conversations. 

Volunteering

Ever since I was in college, volunteering has been an easy way to meet new people and to build and develop a variety of skills. The only cost is my time, but the payoff of making a difference and getting to interact with like-minded people is immense.

On-base opportunities like the Navy-Marine Corps Relief Society, spouses’ clubs, and the USO offer easy access for spouses who want to get more involved with their military community, and animal shelters, food pantries, environmental cleanups, and arts nonprofits are always looking for assistance off-base. If you’re missing the routine of a full-time job, volunteering can help you to maintain and develop many similar skills on your own schedule, and that flexibility can be essential in an often unpredictable life. 

Facebook is Your Friend

The spouse Facebook groups in Guam have been lifesavers, helping me get my questions answered and find events to attend. I’ve seen many spouses post “friendship applications” sharing their interests and a desire to make new friends, and threads about local events have helped me find other helpful Facebook groups.

For example, someone shared a book club that has since become one of the highlights of my month. From scuba diving to running to crafting to reading, there’s been a meet-up planned for every interest, and online communities are a great way to advertise and learn about them. I recently posted about my interest in organizing reading and writing meetups at local coffee shops, and I’m so excited to meet women with similar interests. 

Be Part of the Village

The saying “it takes a village” rings true in military communities, but it’s essential to be an active participant yourself. My husband’s coworkers have invited us over for BBQs and kids’ birthday parties, and we have, in turn, worked to share the love. Whether it’s baking cookies for the office, helping to cook for brunch, or inviting others to join us for a meal or local event, we’ve grown closer by showing up.

Saying yes to invitations and extending your own invitations goes further than you think towards cementing friendships. Remember, most people are also far from their friends and families, so having the chance to watch a football game or meet up at the park for a playdate or share coffee together is often a very welcome proposal. 

Pursue Your Passions

In doing what you love, you’ll naturally find other people who share that interest. Whether you’re in your church’s choir, a new member of a running club, or just reading in a coffee shop, odds are there will be other people doing the exact same thing who are also hoping to make friends. It can be intimidating and scary to start a conversation with a stranger, but I always remind that the worst someone can say is “no,” and then I’m right back where I started. 

Katie McDonald is a Navy wife, and she and her husband are currently stationed in Guam. After 5 years as an English teacher, Katie is currently working as a freelance writer and enjoys writing about books and travel.. https://www.katiereads.com/

Want to write a guest post??? Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life is looking for guest posts! Have something interesting you want to write about the military spouse community? Have advice for new military spouses? Want to share about your duty station? Want to share your story? 

 If so…please fill out my Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life Guest Post Form here! 

I Never Planned On Being A Military Spouse

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I Never Planned On Being A Military Spouse

How is your life different than you thought it would be? Did you think you would be a military spouse? Did you ever see this as the way your life was going to go?

Becoming a military spouse wasn’t something I dreamed about or planned for, even after I had met my husband. Being a military spouse wasn’t in my future. Being a military spouse wasn’t a part of the plan.

I got married in 2002 to a man who had already served in the military for a little over 2 years. He was only a few years shy of completing his 8 years of service. He was considered “Inactive Ready Reserve.”  

That basically meant he could be called up but the military wasn’t really a part of his life anymore. When 9/11 happened, I did worry that he would get called up and wondered what it would be like to be a military wife, but by the time we got married that didn’t seem too likely. He was never called up while in the IRR.

I didn’t see myself as a Military Spouse and did not think that was something that would ever happen.

When I married my husband and thought about the future, the military just wasn’t a part of my dreaming. I never thought that I would solo parent for so long. I never thought I would go 11 months without seeing my husband. I never thought that the road we walked down together would lead to where it did.

I had been in long-distance relationships in the past and I didn’t want that in a marriage. I didn’t think that should be a part of a marriage. That was for people who were dating, right? That wasn’t for married couples.

I never thought I would have so much alone time in marriage. I never thought I would have to worry about my husband going to war. I never thought I would have to say goodbye to him and not know when and if he would return to me.

I had a coworker with a boyfriend who was a marine. They got married and then he went overseas. I remember watching her write love letters and I just couldn’t imagine that kind of life.

I had no idea that just three years later, I would be the one to write those love letters to my own husband who was overseas. When I saw her put the letter in the mailbox at work, I never thought that I too would be sending letters to a similar place to the man I was in love with.

Sometimes I wonder if all this sacrifice is worth everything we have gone through.

Sometimes I wonder what our life would have been like had he never joined the military. Sometimes I wonder if we should have picked a different path. Sometimes I just wonder if making this decision was the best thing to do.

There is so much sacrifice involved when it comes to living the military life. From the small things, like a drill weekend, to the big likes, like a long deployment.

When I married my husband, I was not planning this kind of life…but this is the life that I have and all I can do is look at the positives. I have to remember that life hardly ever turns out exactly how you planned it, no matter what you do or what type of job you have.

I have civilian friends doing things they never thought they would. This is just a part of being a human. Your journey is your journey and when you start you never know where the road might go.

No, I never planned on being a military spouse but I will do the best I can as I support my husband through whatever this life brings. Through the many separations. Through the ups and the downs. Through anything military life throws at us.

9 Things to Love About Military Life

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9 Things to Love About Military Life

There are plenty of times I have been frustrated with military life during my years as a military spouse. There is a lot to get frustrated about. However, there are also plenty of things to love about military life too. Here is my list of 9 things to love about military life.

1. Getting to live in a different country

While not every military family gets stationed overseas, there is always that option. We spent four years in Germany, and I am very thankful for that experience. The military will move you to a different country, pay for your belongings and your car, and give you extra money while you are there. If you get the chance to go overseas, do it.

By living in another country, you can open up your world. If you have children, they will get to experience a different culture and make memories they will always have with them. This is an amazing thing for your kids to experience.

2. Traveling places

Whether you are stationed overseas or stationed in the United States, being a military family means you get to see things and travel places you wouldn’t be able to do otherwise. As you meet other military families you will also have people to visit through the years. This can make traveling even more fun.

For some military families, traveling means getting in the car and going on days trips. For others, it means going to Disneyworld once a year. When you are stationed somewhere new, there are so many places to explore. Places you never even thought you would ever go.

3. Making friends from all over

As a military spouse, you will be able to make friends from all over the place. One of my favorite things to ask new people is where they are from. Talking about where you grew up, and the differences between where you and your friend grew up can also be a lot of fun. Not only will you make friends from all over the United States but you will meet them from other countries and doing so makes your life much richer.

9 Things to Love About Military Life

4. The Sisterhood

There is definitely a sisterhood of military spouses if you open yourself up enough to finding it. You all go through the same things and can relate to so many issues. You know what going through a deployment and being apart from your spouse is like. You know what moving every few years is really like, and having to start over somewhere new. You get one another, whether you are a new spouse or been living the military life for 20 years.

5. Strengthening our marriage

Our marriage has become stronger through our deployments and time as a military family. Even though each deployment was so difficult, we got through them, and our marriage grew in some way through each one of them. You learn different ways to communicate and how to be a couple when you can’t see one another every day.

While deployments can bring about so much stress on a marriage, they don’t have to break a marriage either. Going through a deployment is a lot of hard work, but just because you are married to someone in the military, it doesn’t mean your marriage will be doomed.

6. Helping other spouses through deployments

Over the years I have also been able to help other military spouses through deployments. I have been there, I get it. I know what it is like to have to figure out how to be both mom and dad with my kids. I understand how lonely those nights can be or has scary things can get when you know your spouse is working in a dangerous place. I am glad that the past experiences that I struggled through can help others in the future.

7. Homecomings

That first kiss after months and months apart is one of the best things about this life. Homecomings make you feel like you are dating again. You are nervous, you have butterflies in your stomach, and you can’t wait to get your hands on your spouse once again.

Once they leave for a deployment, the countdown to homecoming begins, and you know that all you have to do to make it through is get through the days until that happens. As the date gets closer, you can pick out your cute outfit, make your homecoming signs, and get more and more excited as the day gets closer.

9 Things to Love About Military Life

8. Battle Buddies

Beyond making friends, another thing to love about military life is your battle buddies, the best friends you make along the way, the ones that become family. These people are the ones you spend holidays with, that you trade babysitting with, and share your deepest secrets and fears. Without these friends, military life would be that much more difficult.

When you go through a situation with someone else, you bond in ways you wouldn’t do otherwise. You become closer because you have to. You help one another out in ways you would never have had to if your spouse never left. Military friendship can be so strong and unique sometimes.

9. Independence

Over the years I have been forced to become more independent. Whether it was because I had to handle a hospital visit by myself, a PCS to Germany with an 18 months old, or just had to figure out how to run the house 100% by myself because there was no way my husband could do so. There are so many times we military spouses have to do things by ourselves, but in the end, those things make us more independent.

Sometimes finding the good in military life can be difficult. We can get so hung up on the hardships of this life. But sometimes taking a step back and remembering what we love about military life can help brighten our mood and get us out of our funk. There are truly things to love about military life and remembering them is important.

What do you love about military life?

9 Things to Love About Military Life