I have been thinking about writing a post like this for a while. I want to try to put into words how I am feeling about our upcoming 4th deployment. Our 4th deployment since 2006. I have a lot of emotions when it comes to this deployment. It is interesting how different I feel this time. I felt a lot of fear right before our 3rd deployment. I just had such a horrible feeling about it. Luckily my husband went and came back without any injuries.
This upcoming deployment I don’t feel a lot of fear. Not the fear of him getting hurt or worse. I feel frustration and annoyance. I am worried that 9 months of solo parenting will change me. I know that might sound weird. All deployments change you. But this time I am just so worried that it will be so hard and frustrating that when he finally gets home, I will not be the happy Julie I once was. That I will be broken and way too burned out.
I have had people tell me after my husband gets back from a deployment that I look so much happier. That there is just something about my face that changes. I hate the thought of going through that dark period where I have a sad face.
I feel like I can’t give very much right now. I feel bad about that. I quit MOPS and I really don’t want to put myself out there for anything else. Last Wednesday was a very bad day. Very bad. My husband was in the field and my son got sent home from school early. All I could think about was that I would feel like that everyday for 9 months. Now that it is a week later, I can see that it was one bad day and not everyday will be like that. Still I hated that feeling and it just scares me to think that would be the norm for us.
Ever since my first deployment I have been praying for at least a two-year break. We still haven’t had that. When I thought my husband didn’t have to deploy, I was thinking we were finally going to get that. Nope. Not us. Not our family.
I guess I am just frustrated. Frustrated he has to go again. Frustrated that it is our turn again. Frustrated that I have to handle a special needs kid all by myself. Frustrated with the way things are being handled.
And maybe once he leaves the frustration will lesson. Maybe it is just because we are in that horrible pre-deployment period of time. It sucks you dry from all the different emotions you are feeling. Maybe once he leaves and we get into the routine of it, things will get better.
I remember when he left in February 2011. I needed to take the boys to get haircuts and it was the second day he had been gone. It was the first time I had ever taken all three out by myself. I was so scared. But after many days and then weeks and then months of doing that, it got a lot easier. What once seemed so scary to me was apart of my normal routine. I am hoping it will be the same way this time. That after he leaves and we get more used to it, it will feel better. That it won’t seem so frustrating and crazy. That is my hope.
The fact is, multiple deployments suck. And I can feel the weight of the last three pressing down on me. I need a break. I need a big long break from this.
And to be honest, writing all this out has been helpful.
Can anyone else relate?
I relate to you. You are not alone. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Remember to pray. Take lots of pictures before he goes and while he’s gone. Multiple deployments back to back ARE too much to ask of anyone. But I believe in you – and your husband believes in you – and your boys depend on you. So. just. keep. going. (hugs)
I’ve only been through one deployment and June will mark a year he’s been home. But there’s talk of leaving in the fall. I had the same experience with my face an people commenting. I don’t even have children and it’s hard. I feel for you and your family as you ready for this time. Know people are thinking and praying for all of you.
I totally relate! My hubby is getting ready to deploy soon. I am here if you need to vent.
Thinking about you and praying.
I can totally relate. I have 4 children and we are a few months into our 5th deployment. If it can go wrong, it has. Ive had to put my cat down, my now 9 month has developed seizures and my oldest is suddenly allergic to raspberries (that was not a fun discovery!). My daughter has also developed a dairy intolerance, Ive dealt with more kidney stones and my 3rd child has just been a handful. We have never been through a deployment like this and we still have several months to go. Everyday Im ready to give up and then I go to bed and get up the next morning just to do it all over again. A deployment is one of the fastest ways to find out just how strong you are. Youll be fine, just remember you can start over everyday.