Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Motherhood

If I Had To Do It All Over Again

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I have been a mom now for over 10 years. 2004 was the year that changed everything. I first became pregnant in January and had a little boy the end of September. I was 25 and hand a handful of friends who already had kids. My sister-in-law already had three girls and my husband’s cousins all had children as well.Motherhood

I also liked to read a lot about birth, pregnancy and parenting. I was on a few online forums and email lists where it came up. I felt like I was pretty prepared when my son was born. I was no expert but I had a general idea of how I wanted things to go.

Over the years I have changed my thinking on somethings and held strong to others. I realized that most of us moms are just trying to do the best we can, even if that looks different in each family. As I look back over the last 10 years I think about what I would do differently and what I would do if I was given the chance to do it all again.

1) Winter babies- I don’t like having winter babies. Maybe it wouldn’t be such a big deal if we lived in California or something but I don’t like having babies in the winter. When #2 came along in Germany, he got RSV. I decided I didn’t want to risk having another baby born around that time of the year. Then #3 was born in November. Luckily he did not get RSV. I don’t like that outside parties are just not an option for two of my three boys. So if I was doing it all over again, I would want them born in the spring or the summer.

2) Breastfeeding- I thought I would love breastfeeding and it would be easy. It wasn’t. I tried hard and was able to breastfeed my oldest until he was 17 months old. I wish I could have done that with my other two. It isn’t something I really feel guilt over. They were just fine on formula and I was able to breastfeed them 6 and 9 months. I just wish I had more support or found support when they were new. I think that really would have helped. Then I think, does it really matter? No, not really but it is something I wish I could have done differently.

3) No labels- Attachment parent, mainstream parent, crunchy parent, soggy parent, strict parent, etc etc. I hate that we have to put mothering in a check box. I just want to be who I am. If sometimes that looks like an attachment parent, that is cool. If other times I appear mainstream, that is cool too. I think what happens is that we want to find our tribe, a place to belong, a place where we will not be made fun of for making different choices. And that is a good thing. The problem is that for most people, your parenting doesn’t just fit in a box. Because I don’t CIO I only feed my child organic food? No, real life doesn’t work like that. At least that has been my experience. When we have all these labels it is easy to stop doing what is best for your child and trying to check all the boxes so that you can be included in the group. So doing it over again, I would have ignored all the labels and just focused on what my child needed. Even if that made me a hybrid.

4) Birthing Center– I had my oldest son at a birth center in California. It was such a great experience for us. I wish I could have had my other two that way. On the other hand, having them born in a German hospital and a Military hospital were interesting experiences. I am not sure I would want to change those.

What about you? What would you change about pregnancy, birth or parenting? 

Potty Training Stubborn Boys and Living To Tell About It

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Potty Training Stubborn Boys and Living To Tell About It

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It’s done. It is finished. After almost 10 years of diapers, my boys are potty trained. Still working on nights, but that can take a while.

I am so happy to be here. Not only do we get to save about $50 a month but I no longer have to change diapers. YAY! What a wonderful feeling that is!

I am also done with potty training. This is huge because I HATE POTTY TRAINING! I hate it. My boys take forever. It sometimes felt like they would head off to college in diapers. Seriously. If you are someone whose kids got it right away, this post is not for you. This post is for my friends who struggle with potty training too.

I probably should have gotten a frog potty for my boys…

I am not an expert on this at all. What worked for my kids might not work for yours, but since we are finally at the finish line, I thought I would share a little bit about what we did to get there. And what we shouldn’t have done. And all of that.

My oldest took FOREVER and a day to get there. Two years of really trying with him. Of taking him to the potty and hoping that he would one day GET that you should use the potty. Two years!!! Finally, I had enough. With the encouragement of his preschool teacher, I switched him to underwear and didn’t look back. This was hard. The mess. The frustration. But I kept at it. It took exactly three weeks. I remember sitting at the kitchen table hearing him run down the hall towards the bathroom yelling, “I’ve got to go potty!!!” He finally got it. I was so happy! So very happy!

With my second little boy, we tried earlier but he didn’t seem to get it either. I was super pregnant so didn’t worry about it all that much. We could do two in diapers again, not a big deal. Really, it wasn’t. A lot of people worry about the two in diaper thing but it isn’t as scary as it sounds, I promise. Anyway, it was a mix of Grandma and Daddy taking him all the time and of him seeing the baby wearing diapers, but he got it right before his fourth birthday. Yay! Only one more to go.

Now, I was optimistic. This third child was going to do it early. He was going to be the one to ask to be out of diapers, to wake up one day and get it. NOPE. We semi tried last spring and he didn’t get it. Fine. He is only three. We will wait. So summer started and I was done. At his preschool, you just have to be potty trained by the time you are four which is the next month. So I knew we had time but I really didn’t want to have him start the new school year in his new class.

Cars underwear anyone?

So we worked hard. We put him in underwear and dealt with it. Finally, like a week before school started, he finally got it. It took all summer. Tons of accidents and he finally did it. YAY! Finally! (And in the last few months he has had accidents here and there but I think that could be normal?)

Anyway, looking back over the years I learned a few things:

1) Going straight to underwear is the key, although it might take longer than a few days.
2) Sometimes Mom and Dad are not prepared or are not able to handle how long it will take after you switch to underwear.
3) Sometimes you have to take a break from it. This was the case with my oldest. It was hard to stick with it and I had to take a lot of breaks. Ben was gone and I just couldn’t emotionally deal with it at the time. I know, “they, ” say not to do this but it was my reality at the time.
4) It is okay if your kid is not potty trained by their third birthday. It really is. Especially if it is a boy. I have heard boy moms freak out because their two-year-old is not trained yet. It’s really ok.
5) In some case, it might take until they are 4+. Some boys take this long. That is okay too as long as there isn’t something medical going on.
6) You need encouragement from friends. It seems like this is what I needed to get through this stage. Friends that said, “You can do it, I know it is hard, but you can.”
7) Your kids will learn how to use the potty. It might not seem like it. But it will happen one day. And you will celebrate.

Has potty training been a struggle for your family?

Parenting Without Feeling Guilty

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It is hard to be a parent without feeling guilty at some point. It starts when you are pregnant and never really goes away. For some reason we all want to be the perfect parent. We don’t want to make any mistakes. We want to do it all right and we don’t want to be judged.

No matter what choices you make, there is always someone out there that would say you are making the wrong one. You really can’t win. For every parenting choice you make, there are a ton of articles out there that say you are wrong and just as many saying you are right.

IMG_8555What’s a parent to do about all that?

I think we should ignore it!

If I could do anything over again it would be to do what I feel is right and NOT feel any guilt for it. This is hard though. We moms want to know that we are making the right choices and sometimes it is hard to know what that is.

I always wanted to breastfeed. I worked so hard to do to it with my oldest and we made it to 17 months. So when I was faced with a decision to give my 2nd little boy formula at 9 months because he wasn’t growing like he should, I did what I thought was best. Maybe I was wrong, maybe I wasn’t. I don’t know. I know that once he started getting the formula he started gaining weight.

Did I feel guilty about that? Yes. Should I have? Probably not. Although I still think breastfeeding is the best way to go, sometimes formula is needed and sometimes it is just the way it needs to be. Does that kick me out of the pro-breastfeeding club? Maybe, but I have learned that it really doesn’t matter.

Guilt comes at all different times on our parenting journey. Sometime it is warranted yes, most of the time it isn’t.

How should a mom decide what is right and what is wrong? How are we supposed to know what to do? It is easy to have parenting ideals but what if they don’t add up to reality? What if life gets in the way? How do we know what we should hold onto and what we can let go?

When it comes to my kids these days, I try to do what is best. I try to do what is right. I read advice about what different people have done and go from there. And depending on the situation, sometimes I am okay with being wrong. Of learning a lesson through it. Because sometimes, it is really hard to know what is best for your child on a particular issue. And no one else can really tell you either.

So when guilt comes up, look at why you feel that way. Are you doing the best you can? If so, there is no reason to feel so guilty about things. I don’t think our goal should be to become a perfect parent.

I think our goal should be to be a good parent to the children we each have. And that is nothing we should feel guilty about.

Do you struggle with feeling guilty as a parent? How do you deal with that?

Taking A Child With Autism To Church

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Taking A Child With Autism To Church

Taking a child with Autism to church can be a different type of struggle.

Finding a good church home can be difficult for anyone. Add in a child that doesn’t always do or act the way everyone else does makes it even more complicated.

We have been trying to find that mix between going to a church we believe in, with people who are loving and welcoming, where our kids can learn about God and Jesus. We have attended great churches where we just didn’t agree with the theology as much as we would have wanted to. We have gone to great churches where the pastor was amazing but it just didn’t work for our kids. Especially our child with Autism .

Last June, with my husband deployed, I took a little break from church. I didn’t know which church to go to and I didn’t have it in me to look for a new one. However, a few months of not going to church really got to me. I missed it. I decided to try a church I had heard about before. I was told they were really good with special needs kids. I hadn’t tried it before because it is about 20 minutes from our house. I know that is not too far but I really liked the idea of being really close to church.

I took my boys there and ended up really loving it. The people were so friendly and helpful. The pastor was very nice and I loved the service. I joined a Sunday school class and now nine months later we finally have found our home church. That being said, sometimes it is hard to go on Sunday morning.

My child with Autism just finished the 1st grade and was in a Sunday school class with 1st and 2nd graders. His teacher is really amazing. She has a family member with Asperger’s and she totally gets my son. This made me feel so comfortable. When he had a rough morning, she seemed to know what to do to help him. Other people at the church have been very helpful and understanding too. It really has worked out well for us.

Still, I feel sad sometimes that church is so challenging.

It is another place we go where it can be very stressful for my son. I know that in the end it will be worth it and he will get a lot better about it in the years to come. I want my children to have what I had. A strong church background. I want them to know the Bible stories, experience church camp and all of that. If they decide church is not for them as an adult, at least I know I gave them that background.

Little things like the church Easter egg hunt or a longer than normal service can make for a frustrating day. for a child with Autism. Even things you wouldn’t even think would set him off, sometimes do.

Some mornings I just can’t do it. I want to stay home and relax and not have to worry about it for that week. I know church is important though so we do try to go almost every Sunday.

A couple of months ago I met a couple at church with a son with Asperger’s who is about 21. They talked to us about some of the struggles they had when their son was our son’s age. That really helped. It made me think about how as the years go by he will be able to understand how to act a little better. And that when he is 21, he hopefully will be able to have a job, go to college and be an independent young man. Finding other parents with a child with Autism can be very helpful.

I am thankful we finally found a church that really works for us and our family. I am so thankful that it is filled with people who are willing to be patient and help my son when he needs it. Even if the time at church is challenging, I am so glad we have finally found a church home.

If you have a child with Autism or another special needs kid, have you found church challenging?

 

 

To The Friends I Don’t Talk To Anymore

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To the friends I don’t talk to anymore…

To The Friends I Don't Talk To Anymore

Before social media got as big as it did, if someone moved away, most likely you lost touch with them. You might have written letters, it just depended on the personality of your friend and how often you would write to each other. Today, with places like Facebook, you can continue to talk to your friends daily, even if they live in a different part of the world. However, there are people who shy away from social media or people you just have not connected with yet. Friends that you used to spend so much time with are now just a memory to you. I have several of these friends. People I was so close to, that I laughed with, dreamed with and whom I no longer talk with.

This is to them

To the friends I don’t talk to anymore…

I still think of you often. Little things remind me of you. I remember the long talks we had in between classes. I remember us dreaming about our future husbands and children together. I wonder if you are married and if you are happy. I wonder if you did have those four kids you had talked about having or if you decided to live a childfree life. I wonder if you were able to achieve your career dreams or if you are still trying to figure all that out like I am. I wonder if you are still close with your family and I wonder what your brothers and sisters are up to. I remember your little sister bugging us and just wanting to be a part of things. I know she would be turning 30 this year and I think of her when I think of you. I think about how we said we would all buy houses on the same street and that at 16 that was a silly dream. I think about how we told each other all about which boy we were crushing on and how you really have no idea how amazing the man I married is because I met him after we parted ways.

Time moves on and we leave behind our old friendships for new ones but that doesn’t mean I have forgotten about you. I still think about the times we shared. The laughs we had and how we always assumed we would be close. But something happened along the way. Maybe it was because I got married first or because you moved away from the place we first met so I can’t even run into you when I visit home. Maybe you were just meant to be my friend for a season and for a reason but as 30-somethings we are just too different to be close anymore.

So to you, my friends, I will never forget what we had. You hold a special place in my heart and I hope you are happy with whatever road life has taken you on. I do hope we will see each other again someday but I know that life might not make that possible. So I look through my scrapbooks and remember what we had and remember that it was special.

Are you missing a friend you are not in contact with anymore???

The Best Time for a Military Family to Have a Baby

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When IS the best time for a military family to have a baby?When IS the best time for a military family to have a baby?

I think this is something that a lot of military wives struggle with.  With all these deployments and not much time at home, how do you plan the perfect time to have a baby?  Is it better they miss the pregnancy but are there for the birth?  What if you plan it perfectly but then deployment orders change?  What if it takes longer than you think to get pregnant?

Deciding to have AJ seemed easy.  We had been apart for 4.5 months while DW and I were waiting on Command Sponsorship.  When we got to Germany we just decided to see what would happen.  When Ben left for Iraq we thought that he would be home when the baby was about 3 months old.  At the end of the deployment, he was 11 months old.  I have several friends that got pregnant on R&R that deployment.  They were due about 2 months after the guys were supposed to be home.  It was ideal!  They would not miss the birth and should be home for most of that first year.  But then we got extended and a lot of the dads missed the whole pregnancy and didn’t meet the child until they were a few months old.

You can plan what you can but things always seem to change.  When my husband got home in Nov 2007 I knew that I wanted another baby but I knew I did not want one in Germany.  I also knew I did not want to go through another deployment in Germany with 3 kids.  I know a lot of people do it and I know I could have done it if it was what happened, but I didn’t want to plan for it.

I have talked with a lot of my military wife friends about what would be easier.  They miss the birth but then get to enjoy an older baby?  They miss the pregnancy but can be there for the birth?  They are there through it all but miss the 2nd year?  I don’t think there is one right answer.

My husband was with me during the first part of pregnancy.  I was sick and tired all the time.  I would not look forward to going through that without him.  He missed the birth even though they tried to send him home in time.  I could do another birth without him but I do not want to.  He was there when DW was born and I hate that he missed out on that with AJ.  He was gone during the early months of his life which in a way made things easier at night.  I didn’t have to worry about waking him up when I had to nurse.  But then the extra help is missing too.  I also felt like it was harder for him to bond with AJ.  He got to see him on R&R; when he was a few weeks old but then didn’t get to see him again until he was almost a toddler.   This made bonding with him a lot harder.  Not that it hasn’t happened because it has; just it took a lot longer than it would have.

Both deployments left me with a new 2-year-old.    Hopefully,  that won’t happen again.  He hasn’t ever missed the first steps but has missed first words.  I think as military wives we know they will miss something.  We know other wives have been through it.  We know we will get through it.  We know it is all a part of the lifestyle.  But it still doesn’t make it very easy.

I take a ton of pictures which I know helps but I need to be better about taking videos of the kids.  Hopefully the Flip will help with that 🙂

So when is the best time to have a baby in the military?  Who knows!!! You just have to decide for yourself and see what happens.