Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Motherhood

Am I A Different Person Then I Was Five Years Ago?

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Am I A Different Person Then I Was Five Years Ago?

I just finished the book Wild by Cheryl Strayed. In it she talks about her 1,000 mile journey along the Pacific Crest Trail. She went on this trip to help her deal with the death of her mother and her recent divorce. It is also a movie with Reese Witherspoon, one of my favorite actresses. We also saw the movie a few weeks ago.

The book and the movie touched me greatly. I have not gone through a divorce or the loss of a parent but I feel like the last few years have been a journey of some kind. A lot has happened and things have been hard. I had my third baby, my husband got out of the Army, joined the National Guard and is working at a job I am not happy about. It’s a job that takes him away from us too and I thought we were pretty much done with that.

These are the hard years.

The years of day after day of solo parenting, doing the best I can, crying and hoping that things will get better, praying that everything we are doing now will help in the long run and trying to enjoy the family time we do have together. There was a time I didn’t see my husband for 11 whole months in a row. This is so much better than that.

I was thinking about the person I was five years ago. The one that was pregnant with her third little boy. The one that had been through two long deployments. The one that thought that everything would work out and I see that I have changed.

Through the last few years I have become a different person…

My faith has changed a little bit, the way I view the world has changed, the way I view how to plan my life and how things are supposed to work has changed. Five years ago I didn’t know I had a son with Autism. I didn’t know my husband would deploy two more times. I didn’t know how anxious I would become over the little things or how hard that 4th deployment would make me feel.

I assumed that if we followed the path we were on it would end up in a good place but that isn’t exactly what happened. Somedays I think my husband never should have left Active Duty Army but then I remind myself that if he hadn’t, we would probably would be in the middle of another deployment right now. And that to me is unbearable to think about.

People told us that life after the Army is a long and hard process. It might take a while to get to where we can say that things are good again. This is true. We are about 18 months out and still trying to figure it out. My husband has about 18 months left of being in the National Guard and then that part of our life will be over too. I have a lot of anxiety about all of this. I just don’t know what is going to happen or what I can personally do about our future. I feel lost and scared sometimes.

I am almost 37, shouldn’t I have my life figured out by now?

Then I tell myself, life is a journey, no matter how old you are.

I don’t think I would ever be able to hike 1,000 miles by myself but I envy the process that Cheryl Strayed went through during her journey. It was something she needed to go through to heal.

I know in my heart that everything changes. What is bothering me today won’t be the case in the future. I have seen my life change dramatically in just one day. I know it can happen.

When I can take a step back and look of who I was at 31 and who I am now, I see that life is about changing and growing. I hope that these hard years will allow me to grow and change in a good way and make me a better person. I hope to learn from them. In some ways they are my 1,000 mile journey.

How have you changed in the last five years?

 

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To My Oldest Son On His 11th Birthday

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To My Oldest Son On His 11th Birthday

My oldest son will be turning 11 next week. I know it is a little cliché to say but how did we get here? Where did my little baby go? 11? For reals???

The truth is, as fast as time has gone, as quickly as it has seemed that the years have passed, I have really embraced every stage of his life. From when he was a baby, to a toddler, to that stage that had me loosing my mind between 3-5, though his younger elementary school years and now as an official pre-teen heading closer and closer to those teenage years.

As I think about the 11 years we have had together, I feel so emotional. I have so many things to say. So here is my letter to my son, my oldest boy, who came into this world on that September day in 2004 and changed me forever by making me a mom.

To my son…

I can still remember the day you were born. You were early. Earlier then I thought possible because they always told me that first pregnancies are usually later. But you wanted to be born and join the world. On September 29th, at about 7:30 in the morning, you were born and made us parents. I remember holding you as you sucked your little finger. You were my son and I was now a mom. Everything changed in that moment. I remember taking you home and getting used to having a child. That was a very special time for me. It was a time I never experienced again. Being a new mom is something you can only experience once. 

For two years and two months it was just you and me. I didn’t always know what I was doing but I did the best I could with you. We bonded a lot during those two years and two months and I was so glad we had that time together. Then your brother came along and I was so happy to give you something so special. A little brother to play with, to fight with and to grow up with. I didn’t know at the time how much you guys would need each other. 

We had some struggles, a lot of them. Between the troubles you had with talking and being a bit behind to the deployments your Dad had to go on. It was hard for me. I am sure I didn’t always do the right thing. But you still kept smiling. Even on the hardest days you would smile and remind me that everything was going to be okay. 

We gave you another little brother to love when you were six and I love your relationship. You don’t fight too much and you are always there to help him out. 

And now I look at you and see the teenager and the man you will become. I swear that everyday you grow a little bit taller and I think I might have even heard the first signs of your voice changing the other day. My baby boy who is no longer a baby, I love you so very much. You are such a loving person and you have such a big heart. I adore the fact that you can not go to sleep without hugging and kissing me goodnight. That you help with the dog and your brothers when I need you to. That when I am sad you go out of your way to cheer me up. That I see you have gotten a little bit of your Dad’s humor which I love and I smile when you use it to make me laugh.

The next few years might be more difficult than we think they will be. I really don’t know. They tell me we are in a sweet spot right now and that is the truth. I hope and pray that you know you will always be able to talk with me about anything. About growing up, about girls, about your friends and your hopes and dreams. I want the best for you and that is why sometimes I tell you “no” when you want me to say “yes.” 

There are so many things I want to teach you before you leave our home and head out into the world as an adult. I am thankful I have a little more time before that happens. 

So my sweet son, I hope you have a wonderful birthday. You have filled my life with joy and I am so proud to be your Mom.

To My Oldest Son On His 11th Birthday

How old are your children? Do their birthdays make you emotional too???

More Than Just A Mom

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more than a mom

I always wanted to be a mom. I always wanted to get my college degree. I wanted to find a good man, get married after college, have some kids and stay at home with them. That is exactly what I did too. I have three boys that call me mom, I have been married for 13 years and I have been able to be home with them the whole time.

However…

For most of that time I have been a Work At Home Mom. I had an Ebay business back when I just had one little boy. These days I do a mix of blogging, writing, social media and my Scentsy business. I have three kids in school for three days a week. So I have chuncks of time to myself where I can get work done.

I am more than just a mom.

But sometimes…

I don’t feel like I am treated that way.

Sometimes I feel like people see that I have three boys and think that is all I could possibly have time for or all I could emotionally want to do.

But here is the thing. My boys are difficult sometimes, they do take a lot out of me but they are also not babies and I am more than just a mom.

I picked up my first camera at the age of 12. Years before motherhood began, but when I went on a photo walk a few years ago, one of the other photographers made a comment about how great it was that moms were picking up their cameras to take photos too. Really? Because my love of photography came before becoming a mother. So did a lot of other things.

I love my boys dearly but I am more than just their mother.

I am a writer. I am a reader. I am a blogger. I am a photographer. I am a friend. I am a wife. I am a business owner. I network with other work at home parents. I bring in an income and I am helping keep this family together and work towards our dreams.

And here is the thing. Whether you are a work at home mom or not, you are more than just a mom too. You are STILL the person you were 10, 15, 20 years ago. You might have changed a bit. You could have different beliefs about things but you are still that person and you are allowed to have a life beyond your kids.

You are allowed to read. You are allowed to find a job. You are allowed to go out with your friends. You are allowed to take a shower. You can do ALL of these things and still be a loving and wonderful mother.

I know my jobs might seem weird to some people. Some might not get how I could make money blogging or sharing a post on Twitter but I do. I make money. I pay taxes and I am a working member of society.

So next time you hear someone talk about working from home, believe them. Believe that they have a career too. That they are working towards a goal. I don’t care if they only make enough to send their kid to soccer camp every year or if they are bringing in $100,000+ a year. The jobs we do matter and shouldn’t just be ignored.

Do you ever run into the attitude that you are “just” a mom? That anything you do outside of it doesn’t really matter? How do you handle it?

 

Where Should My Kids Sleep?

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Where Should My Kids Sleep?

 

We moved into our current home four years ago. At the time we had a 6-year-old, 4-year-old and 9 month old. All boys. Our house is set up so our Master bedroom is downstairs. I love this because it really gives us some space. It wasn’t until we moved in here I was okay with that. We had a similar set up in our last house in Germany and we decided to put our room on the same floor with the boys. It is funny how your wants can change just by adding another child to the mix.

Before we moved in we decided to paint most of the rooms. This was a lot of fun! We even had the boys help.

We put my oldest two in the same room and then the baby had his own room, the smallest of the three upstairs. The third bedroom up there would be the office. This set up worked for a while since I had two older kids and a baby. Then the baby got a bit older and we decided to put him in with my oldest son giving our middle son his own room. At the time it made sense. He is the one with Asperger’s and he needed his space. About a year later we switched it up again because my son was asking if he could share a room with someone again. We changed things up even more putting the office into the small room and turning the former office into my oldest son’s room. This allowed my middle son to have a roommate and gave my oldest some space.

That worked for about a year and then my middle son was talking about how he wanted some space again. So I thought about it and we put my oldest and youngest together again. That is where they are now.

The issue is now my 8-year-old wants to be with one of his brothers again so we have some choices to make. We could put all three boys in one room but that is a little crazy. We could give the 4-year-old his own room, my other two had their own rooms at some point around that age. We could put the 8-year-old with the 4-year-old and give my 10-year-old his own room again but the 8 and 4-year-old don’t get along as well. We are really going to have to think about this.

So how do you decide where your kids are going to sleep?

There is a lot to think about. For my parents it was pretty easy. They just had a boy and a girl. For others it gets a little more complicated. The great thing is that you can be flexible and change things around as needed. You can get creative, making space for kids in other rooms. If your kids are older you can talk to them about what they would want and who they would want to room with.

How have you set up the rooms in your house? Has it been a challenge to figure out what the best way to do things would be? Head on over to Hello Mamas and find other moms to talk to about this or any other issues your family might be having.

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Why I Had An Epidural After Two Natural Births

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Why I Had An Epidural After Two Natural Births

A few months ago I wrote all about my natural births. How it was very important for me to go natural and how that worked out. However, for baby #3 I did not go natural. I decided to have an epidural and I wanted to explain why. I will say that birth choices should be made by each mother. Not by the doctor, midwife or anyone else. If you want to go natural, you should. Don’t let anyone tell you it is too hard. If you want an epidural, get one. Don’t let anyone tell you that it is not the best choice for you.

When I got pregnant with my third child, I was tired. Yes, I know all pregnant women are tried, but I felt more tired with this pregnancy. I was older. The older you have a baby the more tired you will feel. I also think that you can only really tell this if you have a baby at different ages. So if you are having your first child in your 30s you are not going to be to be able to tell as much as someone having their 3rd or 4th at that age. I could be wrong but that is my theory and I am sticking with it.

I was 25 with my first, 27 with my 2nd and was now 31 with my third. I could feel it. My best friend also had her last baby at 31 and she said she felt the exact same way. That it was a lot more tiring. It could also have had to do with the fact that we had other children running around that we had to take care of too.

I found out I was pregnant with my son in March of 2010, right after we moved back to the United States from Germany. As the pregnancy went on, we started hearing about a deployment. However, we were told my husband would not have to go until at least January, a few months after the baby was born. He had stop loss until November even though the Unit was leaving in August. I was due December 1st.

Then around the time I was about 7-8 months pregnant they started telling us that he would have to go the last week of November. Maybe. I started freaking out a bit. What if he had to go and that night I went into labor, would they send him back? What if I had the baby two days before he was supposed to go, would they let him stay? Who could I have with me just in case he wasn’t there? Although I had given birth before without my husband, I didn’t want to do it again.

So all of this lead into my decision to not be so into natural childbirth. It wasn’t that I didn’t care. It wasn’t that I didn’t think that was a good choice anymore. I just was tired and couldn’t think about how I could really do it this time, especially if my husband was not there. I needed him. During our 1st birth he was my rock. I just didn’t think I could do it again without him.

So I did what I always told others not to do. I was going to wait until we got to the hospital to decide on the epidural. Now, if you truly want a natural birth, if that is important to you, you can not wait until you go into labor. You have to prepare ahead of time. With exercises and with your mind. You have to decide that natural is how you are going to give birth unless there is a medical reason not to. You have to understand that if you give birth in an American hospital, you will be asked if you want drugs. You have to prepare for that. You can’t just decide when you get there. Because if you haven’t made that decision yet, you will ask for those drugs.

I knew all of this. I knew it well and at the time, I didn’t care anymore. I really just wanted to have a baby.

So in the end the Army was nice to us and pushed my husband’s deployment off. He ended up leaving in February when our son was a few months old.

One night, a couple of weeks before I was due, I went into labor at 3:30 in the morning. My friend came over to stay with our other boys, we headed to the hospital at Ft. Campbell, BACH and by the time we had checked it, it was about 4:30.  I was in a room where they were making sure I was actually in labor and how far I was. I was at a 4 and they asked if I wanted an epidural. I said “yes” and that I never had one before. They couldn’t really believe why I had not had one before. I kinda had to roll my eyes because I never regretted having natural births. But this birth was different and for this one I wanted an epidural.

My son was born around 6:15am. He came fast. We went to the birthing room, they gave me the epidural and then he was born. They tell me the epidural didn’t have time to work. Trust me, it did. Having gone through the ring of fire before, trust me, it did something.

My little red-head came out so fast I didn’t even know what was happening. It was quite the experience.

I am 99.9% sure I will never have another baby the rest of my days. However, if I did, I am not sure what I would do. I go super fast. Each birth was faster than the other. So I think I would consider a home birth. Who knows? I am glad I experienced the epidural. I am good with that choice. I want the same for every woman. I don’t want anyone to feel they should do something they don’t want to do. Birth choices are so important.

How did you birth your babies? Would you do things differently if you could go back and do it all again?

Motherhood Isn’t What I Thought It Would Be

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Motherhood Isn’t What I Thought It Would Be

Mom with two boys

I was watching the movie, Mom’s Night Out and there was a scene that really stuck with me. Ally, mother of three young children is exhausted, tired, and needing a big-time Mommy break. This scene is after her young daughter wrote all over the wall. She stands there repainting the wall but stops when she sees her young daughter’s drawing of their family. It was a mom, a dad, and three kids.

It was at this moment that Ally realizes she is living her dream. That she wanted to be a mom and now she is. That this life she has is what she has always dreamed of doing at her age.

It hit me hard because I can relate to so many of her feelings.

It’s easy to get overwhelmed with the kids, to feel as if nothing you do matters, and to feel like you are going to have a complete meltdown if anyone asks you for one more thing.

To feel like your life is a mess, just a big mess and you have zero direction.

But being able to step back and look at things from another point of view can really help.

What if I was 36 and not yet a mom? What if I was still waiting to find the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with? I feel lucky that I met him when I was 22.

That feels SO young to be now. But I met him then and I knew he was the one for me. As I get frustrated with life right now and believe me there is a lot to get frustrated about, I have to remind myself that I am lucky and I have everything I ever wanted.

I have three kids who make me laugh and drive me crazy, all at the same time. Three little people that love me and depend on me for almost everything. Even more so when they were tiny babies.

I have a husband who I love and who loves me and is never afraid to tell me that. He makes me laugh, and I can’t imagine walking through this life with anyone else.

I have a house that we have made a home that felt like the perfect fit when we moved in. When you live somewhere for a while, little things can start to bug you about the place. They say this is a good thing because then you know what you want in your next house.

I remember how it felt to walk into this house when we were looking. How this house was the only one we both really liked and we could literally see our kids living in.

As much as I babysat as a teen, as much as I watched my own mother as a stay-at-home mom, I really had no idea what motherhood was going to be like. I had no idea how hard parenting would be sometimes or about some of the challenges we would have to face.

I never realized how tired you can get or how you might just need to take some time to yourself to make it through the next day or the next week. I never knew what raising little people would really be like.

Motherhood isn’t what I thought it would be.

In some ways, motherhood is a lot harder and more frustrating. Being a mom has its moments and being a mom has its very bad days. But at the same time, motherhood can fill you will so much joy. Motherhood can fulfill you in ways you never could have imagined. It could change you in ways you never thought possible.

As I sit here on a July day, wondering if I am doing everything right I am reminded that at the end of the day, most of us are doing it right. “Doing parenting right” might look different from household to household but by loving my children, by making the best choices that I know how to make, I am helping them grow into people and hopefully helping them learn how to make the world a much better place, one day at a time.

So no, motherhood has been a surprise in so many ways. There have been ups and downs. Challenging seasons and less challenging ones. But on the hardest days, the days where I sit against a wall and wonder what I am doing wrong, I am reminded that motherhood is a journey, a learning experience, and I am so thankful that I get to experience it during my time here on earth.

Enjoying Summer with Your Kids When You Start to Burn Out with Hello Mamas

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Enjoying Summer with Your Kids When You Start to Burn Out

Enjoying Summer with Your Kids When You Start to Burn Out

We are a month into summer vacation, things are getting a little slow and I am starting to feel a little burned out. The newness of sleeping in has worn off and it is getting hot. We still love the pool but it isn’t as new as it used to be. We have almost two more months to go and I have been thinking about how to best make it through these weeks. We have a few activities planned such as day camp and swim lessons but we also have many weeks where we will have to come up with something else fun to do.

Summer can get to a point where you just get over it and long for fall days filled with school, sweaters and Pumpkin lattes. I get to this point every year but right now I still want to enjoy summer. I want to make use of this time with my kids that I normally don’t have. I want to make memories and have a good time. Basically, I don’t want to dread the next 1.5 months because my kids are out of school. That is no way to live.

As I have been thinking about how to handle the rest of summer, these thoughts came to mind…

1) Planning the right amount of activities. I want to be busy and do a lot but at the same time, doing too much is just not going to work for our family. We need some downtime. With it being as hot as it is, sometimes it is nice just to spend some time in an air-conditioned house relaxing. It can be a hard balance because too much time at home isn’t good either.

2) Trying new things. My 4-year-old is playing a sport this summer. It’s been a lot of fun for him and he is learning new skills. My oldest also went to summer camp which he has never done before. It is great to see my kids learning about something they didn’t already know about. Even if they are a little nervous about it at first, they usually enjoy it and have found something new to love about the summer.

3) Sometimes simple is good. It would be nice to be able to have fun-filled days each and every day, take a few fun vacations and get out and see the world. But it is also nice and perfectly okay to have a simple summer. Activities such as going to the pool and the splash park might be all you need to do with the kids to have a good time. Don’t ever feel like your kids are missing out just because they aren’t doing a lot of complex activities. Simple can be just as fun and can keep them just as busy, you just have to find the right activity that they enjoy.

If summer is starting to get to you, go back to the drawing board and make some new plans. Remember that it doesn’t last forever and before you know it you will be shopping for school supplies and picking out what they will wear for the first day. Until then, enjoy your time together, make some memories and have a great rest of your summer.

How is summer going for you?

 

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I am excited to announce that I am now a Hello Mamas Blogging Influencer. If you haven’t heard of Hello Mamas, you should head on over and check it out. It is a great site to connect with other moms that you have something in common with. It’s a great too when looking for new friends or someone to connect with.

When You See A Child Throwing A Fit

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When You See A Child Throwing A Fit

 

When You See A Child Throwing A Fit

The other day there was a video being posted online about a boy throwing a tantrum in the car. Although I thought it was a little odd that they were filming and not pulling the car over, I felt sympathy for the kind of fit the kid was having.

It was the kind of fit I am familiar with.

It was just like an autistic fit.

Maybe it wasn’t. Maybe the kid had no behavioral issues and was just acting like that to get his way. But maybe not.

But the thing that really struck me was the comments people were making about the kid. About if he were their son his “butt would be beat” or how their own child never would have been allowed to act that way. It gave me insight into what people could be thinking if I was out in public when my son was having a similar fit.

But it also made me feel like people just don’t get it. That they don’t understand what it is like to have a child like that.

I know for me that anytime I am anywhere and see a child with a similar fit my thoughts immediately think there is some type of special needs going on. That is based on my own experiences and what I have had to deal with.

I know that others don’t think that way and have their own opinions about the subject.

As a special needs mom I have learned to ignore a lot about what people say concerning my child. There is ignorance out there and there is acceptance. I try to surround myself with people who get it and who are not going to judge.

I really do wish that instead of assuming a child needs harsher discipline that people would take a step back and remember that most moms are doing their best and there are certain issues that some children have that cause them to act in certain ways.

That although it might not seem like it, that child could be improving. That they used to throw 5 fits a day and now they are down to 3.

That the mom was up all night because the same child doesn’t sleep and gave in when she really probably shouldn’t have. Because that happens sometimes.

That the day was going really well until something small set the child off and their parents are still learning how to handle what is happening to their son.

That the parents are still trying to wrap their minds around a diagnosis that they never saw coming.

That the fit you see is not quite as loud and harsh as it used to be and that the parents are thankful for that.

That the parents are working with professionals about how to figure out what to do next with their child.

There are so many reasons why that child is throwing a fit at the moment. You just never know what someone else could be dealing with. Give them the benefit of the doubt, offer help if it makes sense to and just be a bigger person then one that assumes they know what is best for someone else’s child.

All of us special needs moms will with thank you for it.