Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Julie

Multiple Deployments Suck

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Multiple Deployments SuckI have been thinking about writing a post like this for a while. I want to try to put into words how I am feeling about our upcoming 4th deployment. Our 4th deployment since 2006. I have a lot of emotions when it comes to this deployment. It is interesting how different I feel this time. I felt a lot of fear right before our 3rd deployment. I just had such a horrible feeling about it. Luckily my husband went and came back without any injuries.

This upcoming deployment I don’t feel a lot of fear. Not the fear of him getting hurt or worse. I feel frustration and annoyance. I am worried that 9 months of solo parenting will change me. I know that might sound weird. All deployments change you. But this time I am just so worried that it will be so hard and frustrating that when he finally gets home, I will not be the happy Julie I once was. That I will be broken and way too burned out.

I have had people tell me after my husband gets back from a deployment that I look so much happier. That there is just something about my face that changes. I hate the thought of going through that dark period where I have a sad face.

I feel like I can’t give very much right now. I feel bad about that. I quit MOPS and I really don’t want to put myself out there for anything else. Last Wednesday was a very bad day. Very bad. My husband was in the field and my son got sent home from school early. All I could think about was that I would feel like that everyday for 9 months. Now that it is a week later, I can see that it was one bad day and not everyday will be like that. Still I hated that feeling and it just scares me to think that would be the norm for us.

Ever since my first deployment I have been praying for at least a two-year break. We still haven’t had that. When I thought my husband didn’t have to deploy, I was thinking we were finally going to get that. Nope. Not us. Not our family.

I guess I am just frustrated. Frustrated he has to go again.  Frustrated that it is our turn again. Frustrated that I have to handle a special needs kid all by myself. Frustrated with the way things are being handled.

And maybe once he leaves the frustration will lesson. Maybe it is just because we are in that horrible pre-deployment period of time.  It sucks you dry from all the different emotions you are feeling. Maybe once he leaves and we get into the routine of it, things will get better.

I remember when he left in February 2011. I needed to take the boys to get haircuts and it was the second day he had been gone. It was the first time I had ever taken all three out by myself. I was so scared. But after many days and then weeks and then months of doing that, it got a lot easier. What once seemed so scary to me was apart of my normal routine. I am hoping it will be the same way this time. That after he leaves and we get more used to it, it will feel better. That it won’t seem so frustrating and crazy. That is my hope.

The fact is, multiple deployments suck. And I can feel the weight of the last three pressing down on me. I need a break. I need a big long break from this.

And to be honest, writing all this out has been helpful.

Can anyone else relate?

 

 

Why Kids Need Routine During Deployment

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4797976206_dba047bd3c_oWhy Kids Need Routine During Deployment

On a good day, with both parents present, kids can be a handful. But what about if one parent is a service member and the other is left at home for long periods of time trying to cope on their own? What then?

When a parent gets deployed, the family has to figure out how to cope without half of the parental unit, and even day-to-day activities can become a challenge. But instilling (and sticking to) a routine can work wonders.

The Need for Sameness

Life has ups and downs, but it is so much harder to cope with the unknown when you’re a kid. Children are ill-equipped to deal with things outside of their comfort zone, like moving, a family member dying, or a parent getting deployed.

In times like these when there are very large uncertainties, repetition is key. If there are things in a kid’s day that they know happen every day, and that everyone does them, the recurrence can provide much needed stability.

If you can figure out a way to get the everyday things done, the bigger things don’t seem quite as bad. The ability to carry on is one that every human, child or not, needs.

Beauty in Repetition

Replacing some of the chaos with structure helps eliminate some of the unknown, and this can translate into better behavior. When kids know the routine, such as taking a bath after dinner, it’s easier to get them to do it. If there’s a time and a place for everything and they know this, you’ll get less resistance that it’s actually playtime and not bath time.

Power struggles aside, routines can also give kids a much-needed sense of control. For example, if it’s bath time, they can control whether they would like bubble bath or not, or which pajamas they want to wear. Allowing them to make small, inconsequential decisions can alleviate the out of control feeling, for both of you.

Don’t just schedule the chores, though. Scheduling fun things like going to the park or after-school adventures will keep the routine from being made exclusively from unpleasant things, and therefore avoiding a negative connotation.

If you schedule fun time AND chore time, your kids will learn what it’s like to look forward to something. They’re less likely to hassle you about going to the park right now if they know they’ll get to go to the park later. And they get to learn that even if you have a bad day, there’s always something they can look forward to, like family game night or going to a baseball game.

Good for You, Good for Them

Having daily and weekly routines is a win-win situation. They get the structure and stability they need so desperately, especially when a parent is deployed. And you get a sense of control and the ability to establish yourself as the sole parent, and that even though the other one is away, you’re still the boss.

Kids will also learn tenacity and how to sit down and do things that they don’t want to do, like homework. By showing them you have to do things you don’t want to as well, you can lead by example. You can even do these things together: you can all sit at the dining table and you can pay bills while the kids do their homework.

You can also schedule a little quiet time before bed to help everyone unwind. Things like putting together a puzzle or reading stories will keep them active, but not wound up or fidgety. If kids know they still have a little time to do quiet things, they might not throw such a fit before bed. Let them accomplish something before sleep, whether it’s building a Lego tower or finishing a chapter in a book.

Keeping kids in a routine will help them cope better with a parent being gone and any other unknowns that might happen while that parent is away on duty. It will also help you cope better with your partner’s absence and keep a sense of order in the house while you bravely hold down the fort waiting for your soldier, sailor, marine, airman, or Coastie to get home.

 

Adrienne May is a military spouse, a mother of three and is the featured author for the Military Spouse Central blog with an active social network of over 100,000 military spouses and family members. Follow her on Google+ or tweet her at @AdrienneMay.

Update on my Square Foot Garden

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My Square Foot Garden is now about 3.5 weeks old. I decided to have my husband build me a second box so we have two now. All but two of the squares are filled. I am saving those last two for jalapenos (which I might have started too late) and Jericho lettuce which is starting to grow and I can transplant soon.

 

Square Foot Gardening

 

This is what we are growing right now…

Carrots– 3 squares full. One square is about two weeks behind the other two.

Carrots in a square foot garden

 

Radishes-These came up fast. They do look a little sad after all the rain we have had. I am not sure why that is why they look that way.

Radishes in the square foot garden

 

Peas-2 squares. I was trying to find out a good way for them to have a trellis. I made a mistake and one of the boxes is not on the side.

Peas in a Square Foot Garden

 

Corn-2 squares. This is more for the boys and I realized too late that if I want to see any actual corn I need to pretty much plant a full box full or it. So we are just going to see what happens.

Corn in the Square Foot Garden

 

Broccoli– We started these from a seed and have two planted. I have a few other seedlings that have grown that I am not sure what I will do with.

Broccoli in a square foot garden

 

Lettuce-2 squares. Hoping to time it right when it comes to harvesting it. I heard if you wait too long then you will get a very bitter tasting lettuce.

IMG_5411a

 

Sunflowers– Just one square and then some in pots.

Sunflowers

Marigolds– Good at keeping the bugs away I have heard.

Small Pumpkins– 2 squares. They have started to sprout up.

Small pumpkins

Small watermelons– 2 squares. Nothing yet.

Cucumbers– 1 square, just planted last week.

Bell Peppers– Started from seed. Filled 2 squares.

Tomatoes– I bought one plant that was already growing and started the rest from seeds. Will have one in a pot and 5 boxes full.

Tomatoes

Poppies– Planting these just for fun!

Onions– started these from seed and just put them in the ground. Not so sure about these.

Strawberries– I bought a plant and so far every time I get a new strawberry a bird or something else eats it 🙁

Herb garden– I have a little herb garden going. Basil, Cilantro & Rosemary.

Random Flowers– We also planted Morning Glories, Cosmos, Pansies and a couple other types. Not sure what we will get but it has been fun!

As you can see we are trying a lot. We have already learned so much about planting and growing. I get so excited checking on my plants everyday. I usually do it three times a day if I am home.

I also am trying to figure out how to do a milk jug watering system.

milk jug watering system

What have you been growing in your garden?

 

 

Square Foot Gardening

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Square Foot Gardening

So last spring and summer I did a little planting. I grew some tomatoes, peppers, herbs and flowers. I got lazy and let everything die. I told myself I was a brown thumb and wasn’t going to plant anything this year. We had to go to Lowes for some mulch for my husband’s roses. I decided to pick up a few things to plant and we headed home. That night I got online and started reading about the best way to garden. Then I found this on square foot gardening!

Square Foot Gardening

From Frugal Dad!

I could do that…my husband could help. We could make this during the week he has off. No big deal and only $50.

So we head to Lowe’s. We were able to find the screws, line, peat moss, compost and seeds (just bought what I wanted to plant.) They were out of Vermiculite and their saw was broken. My husband suggested he buy his own saw…with great big puppy dog eyes. We thought about it but then when they were out of the Vermiculite and I knew we had to go somewhere else anyway, we decided not to. We ended up going to Home Depot for the cut boards but they also had no Vermiculite. I got online and found out Vermiculite is hard to get. Home Depot has it on their site but they will charge you a lot for shipping. The bags itself are not that expensive but after shipping, I was going to have to spend over $50 just for what I needed. Some stores in Nashville and I knew I could call around local nurseries but I really didn’t want to do that.

My husband was able to build the bed for me just fine.

 

But I still had the problem with the Vermiculite. Now I know I didn’t 100% need it. I read up on some forums. Some people said you had to have it, others said you didn’t. I decided to check the Lowe’s site because I knew they carried it too but the local Lowe’s was out. Turns out the other Lowe’s in Clarksville had 12 bags of it. Yay! So we took a family trip to the other side of town and I bought my Vermiculite.

On Saturday morning, I got everything together, mixed up my soil and started planting. I did end up having to buy more compost as what I had did not fill up my bed. I made sure to buy a different kind as I have heard mixing different types together is a good idea.

I have a cute Gardening helper too. He is really into planting. He says he will help me with everything but the lettuce because they are growing it at school.

Square Foot Gardening

We decided we are going to plant all sorts of things this year. It would be awesome if everything grew but knowing how brown my thumb really is, we will see. I think most of the fun will be in trying.  Plus it will give me something to focus on during the deployment.  Right now I go out every morning to tend to things.  It isn’t a lot right now but I know it will get more busy as things grow.

We have some seeds started in the garden and some we have started in little boxes that we will transplant later.

My son also wants to plant an apple tree. From what I have heard, these take a really long time. So if we are successful, we might see fruit by around the time he is 12 😀 Like I said, the fun will be in trying.

I am finding that there is a lot of good information out there on the Internet about gardening. Google is very helpful. I am also learning a lot from The Square Foot Gardening Forum and My Square Foot Garden.

Square Foot Gardening

What are you planting this season? Do you have a square foot garden?

 

* If you are Military both Lowe’s and Home Depot have a 10% Military discount.

Moms just know

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IMG_4679

As a Mom, you know your kids. If your child had special needs that you didn’t find out about at birth or during your pregnancy, you will remember when you first started to think something was going on. Most likely it was before anyone else knew something was up.

Moms just know.

I knew when my 2.5 year old wasn’t talking that something was up, I was right, he had a developmental delay.

I knew something wasn’t right with my 3.5 year old. No he had never been in a childcare setting before but something wasn’t right.  He never grew out of some of the behaviors he should have.  I felt like nothing we did with him worked.  I was right, he had Asperger’s.

I have talked with other special needs parents and it seems that Moms, they just know. They always question it first. Husbands might ignore it. Doctors might brush it off as normal behavior, but a Mom always knows. And I know in some cases it is the Dad. I am not trying to say that only females have this kind of intuition but from what I have seen it is usually the Mom. Most of my friends stay at home with the kids while their husband is in the Military which I am sure has something to do with it. Moms are with the kids all the time and the Dads are away a lot of the time. My husband was deployed when I took my oldest son in for testing.

Moms know their children very well. We know how they eat, how they talk and how they sleep. We agonize over it before they are even born. We try to figure out the best way to handle the early years. As the child grows we start to wonder if something doesn’t seem quite right. We question ourselves. We ask our friends and our doctors.

I had brought up Drew’s issues twice with the regular doctor. They kinda brushed it off. But I knew and it took him going to regular preschool for me to make the call to be seen by a behavioral doctor. And I did this because I knew. Something wasn’t right. He wasn’t just getting used to school. He wasn’t just a normal four-year old. And I was right. Something was going on.

If you are a Mom or Dad and you are worried about your child, don’t give up on trying to figure out what is wrong. Deep down you know if something isn’t quite right. Trust your gut and keep asking questions. My experience is with Tricare. I called my son’s PCM and asked for a referral to the behavioral pediatrician. After a few months we finally got an appointment and started the process of figuring out what was going on. Sometime the process is hard and takes too long. That isn’t fair but keep at it. If no one is calling you back, you call them. Work hard to get the testing you think your child might need. It will be worth it in the end.

Do you have experience with feeling something was wrong with your child before anyone else did? Was it a struggle?

Since today is World Autism Awareness Day, I will be posting about Asperger’s, Autism and Special needs all week. Yesterday I talked about Accepting Autism.

Accepting Autism

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Accepting Autism

April 2nd is World Autism Awareness Day and April is Autism Awareness month.  My family will be participating in a walk later on this month.  I also plan to blog about Asperger’s and Autism this week.

When we found out Drew had Asperger’s in January of 2012, I was able to accept it pretty easily.  I had done my research and I knew that was what he probably had.  But when I thought about him having Asperger’s meaning that he had Autism…well that was a much harder label to accept.  For months I had a very hard time with it.

Autism…it can be a scary word.  When you find out you are pregnant, you worry about things and Autism is one of them.  You might wonder in the back of your head if the things you do for your baby will lead to it down the road.  It is scary to think about.  You don’t want anything to be wrong with your child.

But now, 15 months later, I can say I have pretty much accepted it.

My child had a form of Autism.  We have an Autistic child.

And that is okay.  It is not the end of the world.  It is not the worst thing that could happen to us.  Not even close.  It means having more patience.  It means having more struggles.  It means breaking down and crying and praying a little more often but it is not the end of the world.

School started out as a challenge but lately things have been going well.  Today is the first day back from Spring break so I am hoping he has a good day.  We will have summer break coming up and I hope it goes well and then hopefully we can have a good transition into first grade in the fall.

He doesn’t quite understand he has Asperger’s or Autism.  He does plan to wear blue tomorrow only because I told him to.  I am not sure when we will bring it up to him.  So far he hasn’t ask any questions.  He doesn’t wonder why he has people with him at school that other kids don’t.  He doesn’t question why he gets more frustrated about things than his brother does.  I think someday he will question it but it hasn’t happened yet.

Later this week I plan to blog about how Moms of special needs kids usually just know something was going on with their kids before the doctor did, my hopes and dreams for my son as he gets older, questions others might have about Asperger’s, and parenting a special needs child during a deployment.

Please let me know if you have any questions or topics you would like me to blog about.  I would be happy to answer them or talk about them in a future most.

 

What is ABA therapy?

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Right after my son Drew was diagnosed with Asperger’s in January 2012, we received information about ABA therapy for him. Back then I really didn’t know a lot about it but I assumed it was something like what Max had in Parenthood. I wasn’t sure how it worked.  If we went somewhere for it or if they would just come to our home. We were able to start a few weeks after we got the diagnosis.

What is ABA therapy?

ABA stands for Applied Behavior Analysis.

According to Autism Speaks, Behavior analysis focuses on the principles that explain how learning takes place. Positive reinforcement is one such principle. When a behavior is followed by some sort of reward, the behavior is more likely to be repeated. Through decades of research, the field of behavior analysis has developed many techniques for increasing useful behaviors and reducing those that may cause harm or interfere with learning.

Applied behavior analysis (ABA) is the use of these techniques and principles to bring about meaningful and positive change in behavior.

As mentioned, behavior analysts began working with young children with autism and related disorders in the 1960s. Early techniques often involved adults directing most of the instruction. Some allowed the child to take the lead. Since that time, a wide variety of ABA techniques have been developed for building useful skills in learners with autism – from toddlers through adulthood.

These techniques can be used in structured situations such as a classroom lesson as well as in “everyday” situations such as family dinnertime or the neighborhood playground. Some ABA therapy sessions involve one-on-one interaction between the behavior analyst and the participant. Group instruction can likewise prove useful.

Asperger's

What has been our experience with ABA?

Drew has been in ABA therapy for 13 months now. When we first started he was only in preschool. They came to the house a couple of times a week and also went to school with him. He was attending a church preschool so we had to get their permission for them to be there. Luckily that wasn’t an issue and they let them in to help him learn how to act in school.

At the time Drew had a big problem with being told what and when to do things in the classroom. He had a very hard time playing with his peers and not throwing fits over every little thing.

Over the last 13 months we have worked with 4 different therapists/tutors. Last year he would go to school twice a week and then usually he would have a few hours after school with one of the ABA therapists.

When summertime hit we would see them about 4 times a week. Sometimes it was at home, sometimes out in the community. They even went to swim lessons with him. Sometimes they would come over and we would try to get him to ride his bike. Other times we would practice playing board games which he had a very hard time with at first. They use a reward systems so he is always working for something. If he gets so many stickers, he earns a prize. At first he would earn m&ms every few hours. Now he needs to earn six stickers throughout the day at school. If he does that he earns an Angry Birds Buck (we made this up) and if he gets a certain amount, he earns something of his choice. He can earn a trip to McDonald’s for five Angry Birds Bucks or work for 15-20 for a toy. This system works so well for him and he is so happy when he gets home from school if he had a good day.

These days I don’t see too much of the ABA therapists. Drew doesn’t see them as much anymore either. When he started school last fall we realized right away that he needed them there during the day. Now that it is March they are just on call with the teacher and might stop by during the day to check on him. They also meet with him at home once a week to go over school stuff and talk about the Angry Birds chart.

There have been difficult times where he was really upset and they helped me with him. They guided me about how I should act during a fit and I have always felt free to ask them any questions about Drew or what he is doing.

I am just amazed at how much Drew has changed since last February. We were in CA a week, lots of new situations and the only real meltdown he had was at the wedding. And this was understandable as the music became very loud and he was very tired. But that was after being at my parent’s house for a whole week already.  A big change from when we were visiting last summer.

School is getting much better for him too. We only have about 2.5 months left of the school year. I do worry about being out of school for the summer and starting first grade in the fall. I am glad we have such wonderful therapists that work with him. You can really see that everything they have done has paid off.

If your child has just been diagnosed and you are about to start ABA, I hope that I have given you an idea of what to expect.