Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Military Life

Multiple Deployments Suck

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Multiple Deployments SuckI have been thinking about writing a post like this for a while. I want to try to put into words how I am feeling about our upcoming 4th deployment. Our 4th deployment since 2006. I have a lot of emotions when it comes to this deployment. It is interesting how different I feel this time. I felt a lot of fear right before our 3rd deployment. I just had such a horrible feeling about it. Luckily my husband went and came back without any injuries.

This upcoming deployment I don’t feel a lot of fear. Not the fear of him getting hurt or worse. I feel frustration and annoyance. I am worried that 9 months of solo parenting will change me. I know that might sound weird. All deployments change you. But this time I am just so worried that it will be so hard and frustrating that when he finally gets home, I will not be the happy Julie I once was. That I will be broken and way too burned out.

I have had people tell me after my husband gets back from a deployment that I look so much happier. That there is just something about my face that changes. I hate the thought of going through that dark period where I have a sad face.

I feel like I can’t give very much right now. I feel bad about that. I quit MOPS and I really don’t want to put myself out there for anything else. Last Wednesday was a very bad day. Very bad. My husband was in the field and my son got sent home from school early. All I could think about was that I would feel like that everyday for 9 months. Now that it is a week later, I can see that it was one bad day and not everyday will be like that. Still I hated that feeling and it just scares me to think that would be the norm for us.

Ever since my first deployment I have been praying for at least a two-year break. We still haven’t had that. When I thought my husband didn’t have to deploy, I was thinking we were finally going to get that. Nope. Not us. Not our family.

I guess I am just frustrated. Frustrated he has to go again.  Frustrated that it is our turn again. Frustrated that I have to handle a special needs kid all by myself. Frustrated with the way things are being handled.

And maybe once he leaves the frustration will lesson. Maybe it is just because we are in that horrible pre-deployment period of time.  It sucks you dry from all the different emotions you are feeling. Maybe once he leaves and we get into the routine of it, things will get better.

I remember when he left in February 2011. I needed to take the boys to get haircuts and it was the second day he had been gone. It was the first time I had ever taken all three out by myself. I was so scared. But after many days and then weeks and then months of doing that, it got a lot easier. What once seemed so scary to me was apart of my normal routine. I am hoping it will be the same way this time. That after he leaves and we get more used to it, it will feel better. That it won’t seem so frustrating and crazy. That is my hope.

The fact is, multiple deployments suck. And I can feel the weight of the last three pressing down on me. I need a break. I need a big long break from this.

And to be honest, writing all this out has been helpful.

Can anyone else relate?

 

 

Why Kids Need Routine During Deployment

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4797976206_dba047bd3c_oWhy Kids Need Routine During Deployment

On a good day, with both parents present, kids can be a handful. But what about if one parent is a service member and the other is left at home for long periods of time trying to cope on their own? What then?

When a parent gets deployed, the family has to figure out how to cope without half of the parental unit, and even day-to-day activities can become a challenge. But instilling (and sticking to) a routine can work wonders.

The Need for Sameness

Life has ups and downs, but it is so much harder to cope with the unknown when you’re a kid. Children are ill-equipped to deal with things outside of their comfort zone, like moving, a family member dying, or a parent getting deployed.

In times like these when there are very large uncertainties, repetition is key. If there are things in a kid’s day that they know happen every day, and that everyone does them, the recurrence can provide much needed stability.

If you can figure out a way to get the everyday things done, the bigger things don’t seem quite as bad. The ability to carry on is one that every human, child or not, needs.

Beauty in Repetition

Replacing some of the chaos with structure helps eliminate some of the unknown, and this can translate into better behavior. When kids know the routine, such as taking a bath after dinner, it’s easier to get them to do it. If there’s a time and a place for everything and they know this, you’ll get less resistance that it’s actually playtime and not bath time.

Power struggles aside, routines can also give kids a much-needed sense of control. For example, if it’s bath time, they can control whether they would like bubble bath or not, or which pajamas they want to wear. Allowing them to make small, inconsequential decisions can alleviate the out of control feeling, for both of you.

Don’t just schedule the chores, though. Scheduling fun things like going to the park or after-school adventures will keep the routine from being made exclusively from unpleasant things, and therefore avoiding a negative connotation.

If you schedule fun time AND chore time, your kids will learn what it’s like to look forward to something. They’re less likely to hassle you about going to the park right now if they know they’ll get to go to the park later. And they get to learn that even if you have a bad day, there’s always something they can look forward to, like family game night or going to a baseball game.

Good for You, Good for Them

Having daily and weekly routines is a win-win situation. They get the structure and stability they need so desperately, especially when a parent is deployed. And you get a sense of control and the ability to establish yourself as the sole parent, and that even though the other one is away, you’re still the boss.

Kids will also learn tenacity and how to sit down and do things that they don’t want to do, like homework. By showing them you have to do things you don’t want to as well, you can lead by example. You can even do these things together: you can all sit at the dining table and you can pay bills while the kids do their homework.

You can also schedule a little quiet time before bed to help everyone unwind. Things like putting together a puzzle or reading stories will keep them active, but not wound up or fidgety. If kids know they still have a little time to do quiet things, they might not throw such a fit before bed. Let them accomplish something before sleep, whether it’s building a Lego tower or finishing a chapter in a book.

Keeping kids in a routine will help them cope better with a parent being gone and any other unknowns that might happen while that parent is away on duty. It will also help you cope better with your partner’s absence and keep a sense of order in the house while you bravely hold down the fort waiting for your soldier, sailor, marine, airman, or Coastie to get home.

 

Adrienne May is a military spouse, a mother of three and is the featured author for the Military Spouse Central blog with an active social network of over 100,000 military spouses and family members. Follow her on Google+ or tweet her at @AdrienneMay.

Update on my Square Foot Garden

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My Square Foot Garden is now about 3.5 weeks old. I decided to have my husband build me a second box so we have two now. All but two of the squares are filled. I am saving those last two for jalapenos (which I might have started too late) and Jericho lettuce which is starting to grow and I can transplant soon.

 

Square Foot Gardening

 

This is what we are growing right now…

Carrots– 3 squares full. One square is about two weeks behind the other two.

Carrots in a square foot garden

 

Radishes-These came up fast. They do look a little sad after all the rain we have had. I am not sure why that is why they look that way.

Radishes in the square foot garden

 

Peas-2 squares. I was trying to find out a good way for them to have a trellis. I made a mistake and one of the boxes is not on the side.

Peas in a Square Foot Garden

 

Corn-2 squares. This is more for the boys and I realized too late that if I want to see any actual corn I need to pretty much plant a full box full or it. So we are just going to see what happens.

Corn in the Square Foot Garden

 

Broccoli– We started these from a seed and have two planted. I have a few other seedlings that have grown that I am not sure what I will do with.

Broccoli in a square foot garden

 

Lettuce-2 squares. Hoping to time it right when it comes to harvesting it. I heard if you wait too long then you will get a very bitter tasting lettuce.

IMG_5411a

 

Sunflowers– Just one square and then some in pots.

Sunflowers

Marigolds– Good at keeping the bugs away I have heard.

Small Pumpkins– 2 squares. They have started to sprout up.

Small pumpkins

Small watermelons– 2 squares. Nothing yet.

Cucumbers– 1 square, just planted last week.

Bell Peppers– Started from seed. Filled 2 squares.

Tomatoes– I bought one plant that was already growing and started the rest from seeds. Will have one in a pot and 5 boxes full.

Tomatoes

Poppies– Planting these just for fun!

Onions– started these from seed and just put them in the ground. Not so sure about these.

Strawberries– I bought a plant and so far every time I get a new strawberry a bird or something else eats it 🙁

Herb garden– I have a little herb garden going. Basil, Cilantro & Rosemary.

Random Flowers– We also planted Morning Glories, Cosmos, Pansies and a couple other types. Not sure what we will get but it has been fun!

As you can see we are trying a lot. We have already learned so much about planting and growing. I get so excited checking on my plants everyday. I usually do it three times a day if I am home.

I also am trying to figure out how to do a milk jug watering system.

milk jug watering system

What have you been growing in your garden?

 

 

Square Foot Gardening

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Square Foot Gardening

So last spring and summer I did a little planting. I grew some tomatoes, peppers, herbs and flowers. I got lazy and let everything die. I told myself I was a brown thumb and wasn’t going to plant anything this year. We had to go to Lowes for some mulch for my husband’s roses. I decided to pick up a few things to plant and we headed home. That night I got online and started reading about the best way to garden. Then I found this on square foot gardening!

Square Foot Gardening

From Frugal Dad!

I could do that…my husband could help. We could make this during the week he has off. No big deal and only $50.

So we head to Lowe’s. We were able to find the screws, line, peat moss, compost and seeds (just bought what I wanted to plant.) They were out of Vermiculite and their saw was broken. My husband suggested he buy his own saw…with great big puppy dog eyes. We thought about it but then when they were out of the Vermiculite and I knew we had to go somewhere else anyway, we decided not to. We ended up going to Home Depot for the cut boards but they also had no Vermiculite. I got online and found out Vermiculite is hard to get. Home Depot has it on their site but they will charge you a lot for shipping. The bags itself are not that expensive but after shipping, I was going to have to spend over $50 just for what I needed. Some stores in Nashville and I knew I could call around local nurseries but I really didn’t want to do that.

My husband was able to build the bed for me just fine.

 

But I still had the problem with the Vermiculite. Now I know I didn’t 100% need it. I read up on some forums. Some people said you had to have it, others said you didn’t. I decided to check the Lowe’s site because I knew they carried it too but the local Lowe’s was out. Turns out the other Lowe’s in Clarksville had 12 bags of it. Yay! So we took a family trip to the other side of town and I bought my Vermiculite.

On Saturday morning, I got everything together, mixed up my soil and started planting. I did end up having to buy more compost as what I had did not fill up my bed. I made sure to buy a different kind as I have heard mixing different types together is a good idea.

I have a cute Gardening helper too. He is really into planting. He says he will help me with everything but the lettuce because they are growing it at school.

Square Foot Gardening

We decided we are going to plant all sorts of things this year. It would be awesome if everything grew but knowing how brown my thumb really is, we will see. I think most of the fun will be in trying.  Plus it will give me something to focus on during the deployment.  Right now I go out every morning to tend to things.  It isn’t a lot right now but I know it will get more busy as things grow.

We have some seeds started in the garden and some we have started in little boxes that we will transplant later.

My son also wants to plant an apple tree. From what I have heard, these take a really long time. So if we are successful, we might see fruit by around the time he is 12 😀 Like I said, the fun will be in trying.

I am finding that there is a lot of good information out there on the Internet about gardening. Google is very helpful. I am also learning a lot from The Square Foot Gardening Forum and My Square Foot Garden.

Square Foot Gardening

What are you planting this season? Do you have a square foot garden?

 

* If you are Military both Lowe’s and Home Depot have a 10% Military discount.

Moms just know

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IMG_4679

As a Mom, you know your kids. If your child had special needs that you didn’t find out about at birth or during your pregnancy, you will remember when you first started to think something was going on. Most likely it was before anyone else knew something was up.

Moms just know.

I knew when my 2.5 year old wasn’t talking that something was up, I was right, he had a developmental delay.

I knew something wasn’t right with my 3.5 year old. No he had never been in a childcare setting before but something wasn’t right.  He never grew out of some of the behaviors he should have.  I felt like nothing we did with him worked.  I was right, he had Asperger’s.

I have talked with other special needs parents and it seems that Moms, they just know. They always question it first. Husbands might ignore it. Doctors might brush it off as normal behavior, but a Mom always knows. And I know in some cases it is the Dad. I am not trying to say that only females have this kind of intuition but from what I have seen it is usually the Mom. Most of my friends stay at home with the kids while their husband is in the Military which I am sure has something to do with it. Moms are with the kids all the time and the Dads are away a lot of the time. My husband was deployed when I took my oldest son in for testing.

Moms know their children very well. We know how they eat, how they talk and how they sleep. We agonize over it before they are even born. We try to figure out the best way to handle the early years. As the child grows we start to wonder if something doesn’t seem quite right. We question ourselves. We ask our friends and our doctors.

I had brought up Drew’s issues twice with the regular doctor. They kinda brushed it off. But I knew and it took him going to regular preschool for me to make the call to be seen by a behavioral doctor. And I did this because I knew. Something wasn’t right. He wasn’t just getting used to school. He wasn’t just a normal four-year old. And I was right. Something was going on.

If you are a Mom or Dad and you are worried about your child, don’t give up on trying to figure out what is wrong. Deep down you know if something isn’t quite right. Trust your gut and keep asking questions. My experience is with Tricare. I called my son’s PCM and asked for a referral to the behavioral pediatrician. After a few months we finally got an appointment and started the process of figuring out what was going on. Sometime the process is hard and takes too long. That isn’t fair but keep at it. If no one is calling you back, you call them. Work hard to get the testing you think your child might need. It will be worth it in the end.

Do you have experience with feeling something was wrong with your child before anyone else did? Was it a struggle?

Since today is World Autism Awareness Day, I will be posting about Asperger’s, Autism and Special needs all week. Yesterday I talked about Accepting Autism.

A Day at Disneyland

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A trip to Disneyland

The last couple of times we were in California, it was summertime. I simply can not do Disney in the summer. Growing up 20 minutes away from Disneyland I just can’t stand paying so much and having to wait so long for the rides. I went to a year round school so we would always take advantage of the three weeks we had off in October that no one else did and went to Disney and other amusement parts. We were able to walk on a lot of the rides.

A trip to Disneyland

Since we were finally going to CA in the off-season, I decided to take my oldest two to Disneyland for a day. I debated buying the three-day Disneyland Military discount but in the end we really only had the time for one day there and I didn’t think we would make it back to CA before the tickets would expire. I decided to leave my 2-year-old with Grandma and Grandpa for the day because my oldest two are now tall enough to go on every single ride. I also didn’t want to have to worry about a stroller or diapers. One of my best friends in California met me there with her oldest two kids. We also were able to meet another good friend and her kids and Mom for dinner as they have Disneyland passes.

A trip to Disneyland

It was such a great day for us all. We had so much fun. It was so great to take my boys on the rides I loved growing up. To see them smile and talk about how awesome each one was. Drew did hate Space Mountain but really seemed to like everything else. We had to start our day at Star Tours since Drew had been talking about that ride for months. What was really great was that we didn’t have to wait longer than 10-20 minutes for any of the rides. Some of the waits got longer during the day and we used the Fast Pass for Splash Mountain. I really wanted to stay until it closed and we left about 15 minutes before it did, ending the night with a parade.

A trip to Disneyland

 

I can’t wait to go back although it might be in another 3-4 years. I love Disneyland and it holds a special place in my heart. I have so many memories there. From going with my Grandparents when I was a kid to going on dates there with my high school boyfriend. It kills me that it is so expensive these days. I don’t think Walt Disney would like it. But it is an amazing place and so thankful we got the chance to go this year.

A trip to Disneyland

As for how Drew did?  Just fine.  The lines didn’t bother him although they weren’t all that long.  Just watching him take it all in was so much fun!

I have never been to Walt Disney World and hope to do that someday. I want to wait until Joshua is older so all my kids can do all the rides.

Have you been to Disney lately?

A Mother’s Intuition

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Kathryn from Singing through the Rain is my next guest poster 🙂

A Mother's Intuition

When my son was born things were a little hazy. I had been in labor for 24 hours and things had been rough with a fourth degree tear. When I tried to breastfeed him, he was not latching on right. I was a new mother so I wasn’t sure how easy these things were supposed to be, but then things got more strange.

They told me my son was refusing to eat. He was happy and born healthy from what we could tell, but he did not want to eat. He was not hungry. How strange for a tiny new baby! Through many of hours of work and some amazing nurses they worked with my son to start eating. First with a tiny dropper, then with preemie bottles.

We kept trying to breastfeed and even had a consultant come and help me, but still we were having problems. I would cry in pain and I just knew something wasn’t right. When we got discharged from the hospital, his paperwork said “failure to get hungry.” He was eating more at this point, but still drinking from the preemie bottles. We used those preemie bottles for about a week or two, and worked on getting him to learn how to eat and suck on a bottle.

When we finally were able to switch him to regular bottles, he had a hard time with them. His tongue seemed to get in the way and he didn’t seem to know know how to suck on them. When we went for one of his first check-ups I talked about it with his pediatrician. I had done some research trying to figure out what was going on, and asked the doctor if he could be tongue-tied. The doctor told me with all certainty that there was nothing wrong and I felt silly for even asking. But in the back of my head I knew there was something wrong. I had babysit kids all my life and I had never had this much trouble feeding a baby!

Over the next few months things got better and my son Adam seemed to adjust to the bottles and how to feed. We switched to a new pediatrician who was wonderful. He was so helpful when my son was sick a lot and when he started to have multiple ear infections. When he finally told us it was time to start baby food, I was excited. I couldn’t wait to see Adam’s reaction to food!

Things were good for awhile, I started with green beans and worked on vegetables like he told me to, leaving fruits for last. When we finally started working on fruits, Adam refused them. I thought it was strange, but the doctor said it was ok as long as he was eating the vegetables.

Around 9 months when we switched to the next stage of baby food that had the chunks in it, something new happened. Adam started choking and gagging whenever I fed him. It was like he couldn’t handle the chunks in the baby food. I immediately went back to the stage 1 foods since that seemed easier for him to swallow. I figured he just wasn’t ready yet.

During this time, Adam started to have weight gain issues. Every visit to the pediatrician seemed to put him lower on the percentile chart. He even got as low as 3% for his weight! As a mom I was worried, but the doctor was monitoring it and told me that he was still gaining a little and was healthy. Around 12 months, Adam still was not eating any other foods except baby food and baby puffs. I had been keeping the doctor updated, and he finally agreed at this point that something was wrong.

That was when we referred to a feeding therapist. That was where it all started.

Once referred to a feeding therapist, we found out that Adam had very low muscle tone in his mouth, cheeks, and face. That was why he had never been able to latch on to breastfeed and why he had not been able to suck on bottle well. It was also why he was not able to chew food well and why he sometimes gagged and choked. It was so wonderful to finally get the answers to things we had always wondered about.

We also found out that he had sensory issues which was why he did not want to eat most foods. He could not tolerate most food textures and even other non-food textures. From there we were referred to an occupational therapist and they were able to start helping him with the a lot of the sensory and texture issues.

At his 18 month old well check-up we filled out the usual paperwork to see where Adam should be for his age. The doctor told me that he was concerned about his speech and also a few other things he was not doing yet. He said he wanted him to be tested for Autism. My heart sank. I could not believe this was happening. My husband was deployed and I was doing this all alone. I didn’t want to do it alone.

That day we were also referred to a speech therapist and we got Adam started on that as soon as we could. We were now in therapy 3 times a week: feeding, occupational and speech. Several months later I drove with a friend to Adam’s appointment with a specialist to get him tested for Autism.

I had filled out the paperwork beforehand, and was ready to hand it in. When we saw the doctor that day, he talked with Adam and played him, but he didn’t do any testing. He said that because he had “good eye contact” there was nothing wrong with him. I pointed out all his other issues with feeding and sensory, and he said that it was probably SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder), but he never gave us an official diagnosis.

I was so relieved that Adam wasn’t Autistic, but at the same time, I felt something was still wrong. I knew there had to be more going on. Over the next few months, things got worse. Adam had a lot of procedures done, and we saw so many specialists to try to figure out what was wrong.

My husband came home from deployment and we finally took my son to get re-tested by another specialist -a Psychologist this time. She was wonderful and after 3 interviews, several hours of testing and a book full of paperwork on the life story of my son, we had a diagnosis. The waiting was over, we were finally going to have answers.

In my heart I knew what it was. I had done the research and I just knew. And I was right. He was diagnosed with Autism and SPD (high functioning). In a way, we were so happy to get those answers, but in another way it was heart-breaking. It’s hard to have to watch your baby struggle his whole life and not be able to help him like you want to.

I tell you all this story to tell you this: there is nothing stronger than a mother’s intuition. I knew something wasn’t right, even when people told me I was wrong, or that I was crazy, or that I didn’t know what I was talking about. I just knew. I pushed and pushed until I got answers. Until my son was getting the help I knew he needed.

If you are worried about your child today and feel like something is just not right, don’t give up! Push, until you get answers and research as much as you can. Don’t ignore that intuition if you think something is wrong. Get help today. It can change your child’s life!

My son is now almost 3 years old and is in therapy up to 9 times a week. They tell me he has a good chance if we get him help now and I see so many improvements already. There is still a long road ahead, but I am so glad I listened to my intuition and got help for my son.

 

~Kathryn Sneed~

www.singingthroughtherain.net