Being a military spouse, specifically a National Guard spouse in a non-military community, comes with a unique set of experiences. Experiences I’ve lived through for over 12 years.
What It Feels Like to Be a National Guard Spouse in a Non-Military Community
There are moments when you realize that the people around you may not fully understand what it means to build a life around drill schedules, weeks-long or months-long training events, natural disaster response missions, deployments overseas, uncertainty, saying goodbye, or constantly adjusting to, well, the military. Sometimes, even when wonderful people surround you, you can still feel a little alone when unit members and family members are spread across your state.
But being in a non-military community has also taught me that connection doesn’t have to come from people who have lived the same experience. It can come from people who are willing to listen, learn, show up, and become part of your story.
“Connection doesn’t have to come from people who have lived the same experience.”
How Our National Guard Life Began
Let me start with just a tiny backstory: my husband joined the guard right before our second wedding anniversary. We had just found our footing in our new jobs and the new city we were living in, but after many conversations and my support, he enlisted and left for basic training. Thankfully, we had gotten a dog for our first anniversary, which at least ensured I got outside while he was gone.
I’ve lived this life with and without kids and pets, so here are a few tips and tricks I have learned along the way. I don’t want to sound cliché and call my community my village; but honestly, I think the better term is that they are my people, and I am forever grateful.
Be Honest About the Guard Schedule
I know it can feel weird at first to explain over and over why your partner isn’t an event, but over time people begin to understand, figure out your schedule, and start asking questions. Now it almost feels second nature to most who know us; when I show up alone, it’s not “Oh, where is your partner?”, it’s “Aw man, it’s drill weekend, isn’t it?” We can all laugh now, take tons of photos, and at school events people start to send me photos and videos they grabbed while I juggled my three kids.
Say Yes When You Can
If you have kids or pets, it may take extra planning to go to that dinner or event while your partner is away, but take the time to figure it out. Those dinners, coffees, and events have been some of the places where I have found some of my best friends, and they also helped me reset. We can get so stuck in the hamster wheel of waiting to hear from our partner and keeping our daily lives going that we forget to take a moment for ourselves.
Answer the Text
I laugh as I type that because it takes me at least 3 to 5 business days to answer a text, but eventually I do. Your community will start to check on you in their own way. Maybe it’s just a “how are you doing,” or maybe others may send a funny meme, while some will just send you an emoji to let you know they are thinking of you. Answer the text or even the email. Some people have come into my life and moved away, but still remember my partner is in the National Guard and text to check in.
Go to FRG, SFRG, and Unit Events
This may sound like an advertisement, but I promise it’s not. As Guard spouses, we are usually the only ones in our town because we do not live on military installations. At our FRG or unit events, we finally get to meet not only the people our partners spend so much time with, but their partners too.
We may only see each other once a year at these events or become passing Facebook friends, but when you take the time to catch up, everyone remembers what’s going on at home and checks in on each other. They are worth the time, and most partners feel the same way you do, which helps us feel less alone in all of this!
A Reminder for National Guard Spouses
Being a National Guard spouse in a non-military community can feel lonely, especially when the people around you do not fully understand drill weekends, training, deployments, or the military side of your life.
- Be honest about what military life looks like. The people who care about you can learn how to support you.
- Say yes when you can. Dinner, coffee, school events, and small invitations can become places where real friendships grow.
- Let people check on you. A text, meme, emoji, or quick message can be someone’s way of showing they care.
- Go to unit events when possible. FRG, SFRG, and unit events can help you connect with people who understand this life in a different way.
Is this a perfect list? No, but I hope that if you’re reading this, you don’t feel so alone and put one of these tips into action. I’m in your corner!
Bio: Ashley has been a military spouse for over 12 years while her husband serves in the Army National Guard. They have three kids and a Great Dane.
Frequently Asked Questions About Being a National Guard Spouse
Is being a National Guard spouse different from being an active-duty military spouse?
Yes, it can be different. National Guard spouses often live in civilian communities instead of on or near military installations, which can make it harder to find people nearby who understand drill weekends, training, deployments, and military life.
How can National Guard spouses find community?
National Guard spouses can find community by being honest with local friends, saying yes to invitations when possible, answering check-in texts, attending FRG or unit events, and connecting with other Guard families through their spouse’s unit or state family program.
Should National Guard spouses go to FRG or unit events?
Yes, if they are able to. FRG, SFRG, and unit events can help Guard spouses meet other families connected to the unit, ask questions, and feel less alone in a community where military families may be spread out.
What is hard about being a National Guard spouse in a non-military community?
One hard part is that friends, coworkers, neighbors, and school families may not fully understand how military life affects your schedule, parenting, emotions, and family life. That can feel isolating, even when you are surrounded by kind people.
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