Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

military spouse loneliness

Military Life is Hard and It’s Okay To Say So

by

Military Life is Hard and It's Okay To Say So

Military life is hard, and it’s okay to say so!

When I started my blog in 2009, I did so for a few reasons. I was a bit bored but more than that, I wanted to share what I was going through. I knew I couldn’t be the only military spouse that felt the way that I did. I was at the end of our 2nd deployment, missing my husband, and just waiting for the day he would be home.

One of the first things I noticed when I started getting into blogging was the online military community. Other bloggers and readers who had been through what I had been through and who understood what military life was like. Over the years I have met so many military spouses online that are looking for tips and encouragement to get through their deployment or whatever else military life has thrown at them.

Over the years I have heard some people say that military life isn’t hard or that because life is more difficult for other people, we shouldn’t even talk about what we are going through. They say that we should only speak of the positives of this life. That talking about the negatives isn’t good.

While I agree that if you only talk about the bad, this life is going to be even harder, but I also know that military life is hard and it’s okay to say so.

Military Life is Hard and It's Okay To Say So

Why It’s Okay to Say Military Life Is Hard

Here on my blog and in my online communities, I understand that not everything is going to be easy. I understand that some days are just going to be quite horrible. But you know what? There are a lot of benefits in sharing our stories, in letting others know what we are going through, and talking about when life gets hard.

Being Honest About Military Life Makes You Real

Things changed for us as soon as my husband joined the Army. He was gone, for months. He wasn’t always there like he was before. He had more rules and regulations than he did in civilian life. Everything changed for us. And life got a lot harder.

Military life brings deployments, pcsing every few years, and life changes you would never have thought about before. You might give birth without your husband, they might miss your son’s first day of kindergarten or even high school graduation, and they might not be around when you need them the most.

So when someone talks about how hard military life is, they are being real about their experiences.

Real about the changes this life will bring, real about how difficult some seasons of this life are, and real about what’s going to happen during their spouse’s career.

Being real about military life also means talking about how wonderful living in Germany is, how amazing homecoming will be, and how you would never have met the friends you did had you never become a military spouse.

Whether you are going through a difficult time or having better milspouse moments, being real about your life is a good thing.

Most Military Spouses Know This Life Can Be Hard

Although I am sure there are some who get through the years of military life and don’t even seem to feel the hardships some of us too, this has not been the norm.

Every day I hear from military spouses who have just started a deployment, are in the middle of a deployment, or are struggling through the last few months of a deployment. All of them are looking for ways to make it through, to find friends who know what they are going through, and to figure out the best way to handle their current situation.

At the end of the day, we are all on our own military road. Some roads will be bumpier than others, and that’s okay. Some will have it much harder than you do and some have it easier. That doesn’t change the fact that you are dealing with your own set of challenges that are unique to you and your family.

Sharing Our Struggles Helps Us Support One Another

When we don’t share our struggles, we can’t help one another out. When we stay silent, we don’t know who needs that extra set of hands or who needs a listening ear. When we all act like we have everything together, we can overlook those who are falling behind, and that isn’t a good thing for our military community.

While we don’t want to spend all of our time as a military spouse walking around with a pout on our faces, we can stop and recognize when things are a little too much to handle on our own. We might need to reach out to a friend, to a professional, or change a few things to make our lives a little easier.

A Reminder for the Military Spouse Who Is Struggling

Military life can be hard, and admitting that does not mean you are negative, ungrateful, or failing at this life. It means you are being honest about what you are going through.

  • You are allowed to say this is hard. Deployments, PCS moves, missed milestones, and constant change can take a real toll.
  • You are not the only one struggling. Other military spouses have felt lonely, overwhelmed, tired, and unsure how to keep going.
  • Sharing your story can help someone else. When we are honest, we remind others that they do not have to walk through military life alone.
  • Support matters. Friends, community, counseling, and practical help can make hard seasons feel more manageable.

Military Life is Hard and It's Okay To Say So

Talking About the Hard Parts Reminds Us We Are Not Alone

In the end, sharing our milspouse struggles helps others know they are not alone. When I share about my deployments, I hope that others can take comfort in knowing they are not the only one going through what they are at the moment. When I talk about the deployment ache, I hope that others can say, “Yes! That is exactly how I feel too.”

When you are struggling, knowing you are not alone can go a long way in figuring out how to make life better for yourself. Whether the struggle is deployment, miscarriage, divorce, infertility, the loss of a family member, a sick child or something else.

When you struggle, knowing others have been through what you have been through can help you see there is a way out, that there are things you can do to make life better, and that you don’t have to walk through all of this on your own.

What do you know when you feel you are struggling? Who do you turn to for extra help?

Frequently Asked Questions About Military Life Being Hard

Is it normal to think military life is hard?

Yes, it is normal. Military life can include deployments, PCS moves, missed milestones, solo parenting, uncertainty, loneliness, and constant change. Admitting that it is hard does not mean you are not strong enough for military life.

Why should military spouses talk about the hard parts?

Talking about the hard parts can help military spouses feel less alone. When we share our struggles honestly, other spouses can feel seen, encouraged, and more willing to reach out for support.

Does saying military life is hard mean I am being negative?

No. You can be grateful for the good parts of military life and still admit that some seasons are difficult. Being honest about your experience is different from only focusing on the negative.

Where can military spouses find support?

Military spouses can find support through trusted friends, local military community groups, Military OneSource, counseling resources, deployment support programs, online communities, and other spouses who understand military life.

More on Military life…

Stop Saying That We Knew What We Were Getting Into

To the Military Spouse That Does Not Live in a Military Community

9 Things That Can Hurt a Military Marriage

Life as a National Guard Spouse in a Non-Military Community

by Leave a Comment

Life as a National Guard Spouse in a Non-Military Community

Being a military spouse, specifically a National Guard spouse in a non-military community, comes with a unique set of experiences. Experiences I’ve lived through for over 12 years. 

What It Feels Like to Be a National Guard Spouse in a Non-Military Community

There are moments when you realize that the people around you may not fully understand what it means to build a life around drill schedules, weeks-long or months-long training events, natural disaster response missions, deployments overseas, uncertainty, saying goodbye, or constantly adjusting to, well, the military. Sometimes, even when wonderful people surround you, you can still feel a little alone when unit members and family members are spread across your state.

But being in a non-military community has also taught me that connection doesn’t have to come from people who have lived the same experience. It can come from people who are willing to listen, learn, show up, and become part of your story.

“Connection doesn’t have to come from people who have lived the same experience.”

How Our National Guard Life Began

Let me start with just a tiny backstory: my husband joined the guard right before our second wedding anniversary. We had just found our footing in our new jobs and the new city we were living in, but after many conversations and my support, he enlisted and left for basic training. Thankfully, we had gotten a dog for our first anniversary, which at least ensured I got outside while he was gone.

I’ve lived this life with and without kids and pets, so here are a few tips and tricks I have learned along the way. I don’t want to sound cliché and call my community my village; but honestly, I think the better term is that they are my people, and I am forever grateful. 

Be Honest About the Guard Schedule

I know it can feel weird at first to explain over and over why your partner isn’t an event, but over time people begin to understand, figure out your schedule, and start asking questions. Now it almost feels second nature to most who know us; when I show up alone, it’s not “Oh, where is your partner?”, it’s “Aw man, it’s drill weekend, isn’t it?” We can all laugh now, take tons of photos, and at school events people start to send me photos and videos they grabbed while I juggled my three kids. 

Say Yes When You Can

If you have kids or pets, it may take extra planning to go to that dinner or event while your partner is away, but take the time to figure it out. Those dinners, coffees, and events have been some of the places where I have found some of my best friends, and they also helped me reset. We can get so stuck in the hamster wheel of waiting to hear from our partner and keeping our daily lives going that we forget to take a moment for ourselves. 

Answer the Text

I laugh as I type that because it takes me at least 3 to 5 business days to answer a text, but eventually I do. Your community will start to check on you in their own way. Maybe it’s just a “how are you doing,” or maybe others may send a funny meme, while some will just send you an emoji to let you know they are thinking of you. Answer the text or even the email. Some people have come into my life and moved away, but still remember my partner is in the National Guard and text to check in. 

Go to FRG, SFRG, and Unit Events

This may sound like an advertisement, but I promise it’s not. As Guard spouses, we are usually the only ones in our town because we do not live on military installations. At our FRG or unit events, we finally get to meet not only the people our partners spend so much time with, but their partners too.

We may only see each other once a year at these events or become passing Facebook friends, but when you take the time to catch up, everyone remembers what’s going on at home and checks in on each other. They are worth the time, and most partners feel the same way you do, which helps us feel less alone in all of this! 

A Reminder for National Guard Spouses

Being a National Guard spouse in a non-military community can feel lonely, especially when the people around you do not fully understand drill weekends, training, deployments, or the military side of your life.

  • Be honest about what military life looks like. The people who care about you can learn how to support you.
  • Say yes when you can. Dinner, coffee, school events, and small invitations can become places where real friendships grow.
  • Let people check on you. A text, meme, emoji, or quick message can be someone’s way of showing they care.
  • Go to unit events when possible. FRG, SFRG, and unit events can help you connect with people who understand this life in a different way.

Is this a perfect list? No, but I hope that if you’re reading this, you don’t feel so alone and put one of these tips into action. I’m in your corner!

Bio: Ashley has been a military spouse for over 12 years while her husband serves in the Army National Guard. They have three kids and a Great Dane.

Frequently Asked Questions About Being a National Guard Spouse

Is being a National Guard spouse different from being an active-duty military spouse?

Yes, it can be different. National Guard spouses often live in civilian communities instead of on or near military installations, which can make it harder to find people nearby who understand drill weekends, training, deployments, and military life.

How can National Guard spouses find community?

National Guard spouses can find community by being honest with local friends, saying yes to invitations when possible, answering check-in texts, attending FRG or unit events, and connecting with other Guard families through their spouse’s unit or state family program.

Should National Guard spouses go to FRG or unit events?

Yes, if they are able to. FRG, SFRG, and unit events can help Guard spouses meet other families connected to the unit, ask questions, and feel less alone in a community where military families may be spread out.

What is hard about being a National Guard spouse in a non-military community?

One hard part is that friends, coworkers, neighbors, and school families may not fully understand how military life affects your schedule, parenting, emotions, and family life. That can feel isolating, even when you are surrounded by kind people.

Finding Friends as a Military Spouse Is Still Really Important

by Leave a Comment

Finding Friends as a Military Spouse Is Still Really Important

One piece of advice I have given to military spouses time and time again is to find friends, or find your people. Why? Because I think it is so important.

Why Making Friends in Military Life Matters

Making friends in military life matters, even when it’s hard.

And sometimes I know it can be really hard.

It isn’t always easy to be the new person, even in a place with a lot of new people. It isn’t always easy to find the right people. And honestly, some people aren’t very nice. Just check out any military spouse Facebook group to confirm that.

People can be untrustworthy, flaky, or just downright rude. But that doesn’t mean you should stop trying to find your people.

You see, when you have friends, life is much easier, no matter what you are going through. As military spouses, we go through a lot of difficult things. It only makes sense that friends make it easier.

Why Military Spouses Sometimes Give Up on Friendship

Whether it is a bad experience in the past, heartbreaking situations, or just feeling alone even in a room full of people, it can be hard to make finding friends a priority.

Anytime the subject of friends comes up, I hear some people say it just isn’t worth it. That there are too many untrustworthy people out there. That too many people are just looking out for themselves, and it just hurts too much to pursue any type of friendship.

And all of those feelings are valid. It can be scary putting yourself out there.

Closing Yourself Off Can Make Military Life Harder

If you close yourself off from others, you will miss out on community. You will miss out on the potential for close relationships. You will miss out on making memories that will last forever.

I can’t say that I keep in touch with everyone I have ever befriended during my time as a military spouse. That’s just not possible; however, I always have those memories to keep with me in my heart.

From the group of us spouses that met up every Monday at a coffee shop during a deployment, to playdates and playgroups and MOPS meetings when my kids were a lot younger. All of those memories are such a balm to the soul. And they wouldn’t have been possible if I had closed myself off and refused to take that step to meet new people.

“One bad friendship doesn’t mean you should stop looking for your people.”

One Bad Friendship Doesn’t Have to Define Your Future

There have been times during military life when I realized a “friend” really wasn’t. And that stings. I have shed plenty of tears over it.

But, as much as the idea of sitting it out, sticking to my own family, and not even putting a foot in the friendship pool can be appealing. It’s not a long-term solution.

Time goes on, and there are other opportunities and other people to connect with. There is more than one type of person in this world, and taking a chance on meeting someone new can be worth it.

A Reminder About Military Spouse Friendships

Finding your people in military life can take time. One bad experience, one awkward event, or one disappointing friendship does not mean you should close yourself off forever.

  • You are allowed to be careful. Not every person deserves full access to your life right away.
  • You are allowed to try again. A hard friendship experience does not mean every future connection will hurt you.
  • Community matters. Even small connections can make a new duty station or deployment season feel less lonely.
  • Your people are worth looking for. The right friends can help you through the hard parts of military life and make the good parts even better.

Not Every Connection Has to Become a Best Friend

The reality is, not everyone you meet is going to become a best friend or even a friend at all. Some people will just be a part of your community.

Maybe it’s another mother at soccer practice you chat with every Monday and Wednesday. Maybe it’s the cashier at the Commissary, the one you always tend to get who loves to ask you about your day. Maybe it’s a neighbor you always wave to in the morning when you take your dog for a walk.

The truth is, not everyone is best friend material. And that’s okay. Sometimes it is just those little interactions with random people throughout your week that can make a difference.

Keep Looking for the People Who Make Military Life Better

Every military spouse has a choice to make. To be a kind person. To be a part of the community. To move on from the past and work through what is making friendships hard.

But let me tell you, being able to find your people will be worth it. People you can not only spend time with but people you can depend on, through the good stuff and the hard stuff.

So if you are feeling like life would be better if you stick to yourself. If you never want to try, I urge you to rethink that. No, don’t put yourself in a toxic situation, but remember that there is almost always someone new to meet, especially on a military post. There is always something you can join or be a part of.

Anywhere you go in life, you will find good people and not-so-good people. This is true in military and civilian communities.

However, you don’t want to let those not-so-good people cause you to never try to find the people who will enhance your life and help you through the challenges of military life.

Frequently Asked Questions About Military Spouse Friendships

Why is making friends important as a military spouse?

Making friends as a military spouse can help you feel less alone during deployments, PCS moves, parenting seasons, and other challenges of military life. Community can make a new duty station feel more manageable.

What if I had a bad military spouse friendship experience?

A bad experience can make it scary to try again, and those feelings are valid. But one painful friendship does not mean every future friendship will be the same. You can move slowly, use boundaries, and still stay open to finding good people.

Do all military spouse connections need to become close friendships?

No. Some people may become close friends, while others may simply be part of your weekly rhythm: a neighbor, another parent at practice, someone from church, or a familiar face at the commissary. Those smaller connections can still matter.

How can military spouses find their people?

Military spouses can find friends through local events, spouse groups, book clubs, playgroups, volunteering, faith communities, MWR activities, online groups, and everyday interactions with neighbors or other parents.