Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Deployment

To the Military Spouse Whose Season of Deployment is Over

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When Your Season of Deployment Is Over

When my husband first deployed to Iraq, I was 27. I am now 46. The time between now and then seems impossible. Almost 20 years? How?

He deployed three more times in the seven years following that deployment. We had two more children and returned to the US after four years in Germany.

It felt like the deployments were never going to end! It felt like he would always be deployed and always have to be away from us. But here is the truth about time in the military: It does eventually end. Not only that, but deployment schedules change over time based on many factors.

My Husband Is Now Retired From the Military

My husband retired from the military last year after 21 years of service, and we are now living the veteran life. Coming from the National Guard, some things didn’t change much for us, unlike how they would have had he retired from active duty.

One of the most significant changes is that he will never be called up again. He will never come home from a drill weekend with news of a deployment. He will never be called up to go if something goes down in the US. We will never again have to cancel plans because of the military. That chapter of our lives is forever over.

The Season of Deployment Is Now Officially Over

The season of deployment is over for us. We are done worrying about, thinking about, and wondering about deployments. It is in our past, and wow, that takes some getting used to.

When you have been doing something for so long, when something has been a part of your life for so long, it’s a weird feeling when suddenly, that chapter of your life is over.

I like to look at my life, especially my military life in seasons. And now we are in a different one. But you can be sure I have taken what I learned during seasons of deployment with me. I have learned so much from letting my husband go, being a solo parent, and sending him off to places unknown. I am not the same person I was when he first joined the military.

We All Change After 20 Years

Then again, no matter your lifestyle, who is the same person after 20 years? Life experiences change us. They just do. And for me, so much of the last 20 years has been spent in military mode. The next 20 will look a little different.

Veteran life can be complicated in many different ways. From finding the right after-military job to dealing with a change in benefits, there is much to take in and a lot to get used to. When I was a younger military spouse, it always felt like retirement was so far away, but then we were there, saying goodbye to military life and embracing all this new season has to offer.

If you are just now entering this season, or for whatever reason, you know deployments are no longer in your future, know that your feelings are valid. Even if you find yourself missing parts of time away from your spouse.

Veteran Spouses Have Much to Offer Military Spouses

As military spouses, we have to find ways to get through deployments and that time apart, and we can grow for the better through some of that. The military lifestyle creates independence, and we can sometimes get much more done while they are away from us. When your spouse is home and not going anywhere, it can take some getting used to.

As veteran spouses, we also have so much to offer military spouses. We can be a listening ear since we have been there before. We can advise on deployments, PCSing, and military life in general. We can use what we have learned to help those currently going through it.

Resources to Help Transitioning Military Spouses

If your service member is about to retire or has just done so, and you are a bit nervous, I want to reassure you that you are not alone.

Here are some resources that can help:

The Department of Defense’s Military Spouse Transition Program

Transition & Strengths Coaching Services

Benefits for Spouse of a Military Retiree

What Milspouses Should Know Before Military Retirement

To the Military Spouse Whose Season of Deployment is Over

7 Simple Self-Care Tips to Pamper Yourself Without Leaving the House

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Awe, self-care. Something we hear about all the time. Self-care is essential, but sometimes it can feel hard to get. You have to make an effort to make time for yourself. You have to put it on your calendar, and you might need to get creative. Add in being a solo parent for months; how do you find time for self-care?

One way to find time for self-care during a deployment or during seasons of your life when you can’t always get out of the house for a bit is to find self-care ideas you can do without leaving the house. You can do things while at home when your kids are sleeping or in some cases, awake.

Here are 7 ideas:

Work on your hobbies

What do you like to do? What brings you joy? Reading? Puzzles? Baking? There are so many hobbies you can do at home. Figure out what makes you happy and get back into your own hobbies.

Grab your journal and a coffee

This can be done early in the morning or after the kid’s bedtime with some tea or drink of choice 😉 Grab your journal and start writing. Share about your day, your thoughts, or anything that comes to mind.

DIY spa day

Have your own DIY spa day. Take a nice bubble bath with Epsom salts, essential oils, or bath bombs. Use a face mask, paint your nails, light candles, and relax. Take some time to chill. Your body will thank you.

Video chat with friends

This one is best for after the kids go to bed. Grab some dinner and some wine. Set up a video chat with your bestie or other friends. Make it a weekly thing. It’s a great way to let loose and connect with others. You can also join weekly online book clubs, Bible studies, or whatever else you may find.

Binge-watch a show

Finding a show to get lost in that you can go to each night after the kids go to bed is a fantastic feeling. This is how I got through so many of those lonely deployment nights. And in today’s world? It’s so easy to find good shows to binge.

Start a garden

This is one your kids could help you with. Start a garden. Plant your favorite flowers and veggies. Playing in the dirt and planting something new can be so therapeutic. I love to watch things grow from a seed to a big old plant.

Order dinner

Sometimes, just ordering yourself a nice dinner and eating it while watching a good movie is a great way to wind down and enjoy some self-care. Celebrating a milestone or even a Friday night can be a great time to do this. Treat yourself when you can. It can make for a lovely night.

Self-care can look different for each person. What you might find relaxing, someone else might not. So, when looking for self-care ideas, try to find things that work for you. The goal of self-care is to recharge, refresh, and get to a better place.

Remember, deployment or not, make time for yourself. It’s worth it.

Is It Time To Break Up With Your Military Boyfriend?

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My dating years were a long time ago. Think of the 90s before dating apps and smartphones. I always knew I wanted to be married someday, and I met my husband when I was 22 after a couple of boyfriends who were not the right match for one reason or another.

I had never dated someone in the military but was involved in several long-distance relationships. I hated them. I didn’t want to be a part from my boyfriend. I hated feeling like half of my life was where I lived and the other half was too many miles away. And we didn’t even have the military getting in our way.

Over the years, I have met many military girlfriends. Some become spouses, and some do not. I am not sure what the key ingredient is, but I also think there are some warning signs that girlfriends need to reflect on before they get more serious with their military service members.

Whether they are dating them during a deployment or not, their boyfriend will be under a lot of stress while serving in the military. Being a military girlfriend will be challenging for even the most committed of people.

There could be reasons why you need to walk away or maybe stay, depending on your circumstances. If you have ever asked yourself, “Should I break up with my military boyfriend?” this post should help you flesh out one way or another.

Something seems fishy

If you have never met in person before, you are running the risk of being scammed. Sadly, not everyone who claims to be in the military truly is. There are scams to get unsuspecting women to send money to their military boyfriend. However, he isn’t even in the military, and his reasons for needing the money don’t make any sense.

Some examples are telling their girlfriend that the military is not giving them food or will not let them come home from Iraq or Afghanistan without buying their own plane ticket. If you are dating someone online and things seem a bit fishy, you could get scammed. Ensure that the person you are with is who they say they are.

They cheat on you

There has to be trust in a military relationship. Without trust, everything falls apart. You will have to spend time apart. You might have to go weeks or even longer without regular communication.

You have to trust that he or she will be faithful to you. They have to trust that you are going to be faithful to them. If that trust gets broken, it can be hard to repair. While there are some cases when couples can move beyond cheating, in most situations, walking away is your best option.

Your gut is telling you to

I think deep down, we always know if we should be with someone or not, even if we can’t admit that out loud. I have been the girl who sat down with a pros and cons list about my current relationship. But looking back, it was evident that was not a good relationship.

I knew that, but I wanted everything to work out. Had I listened to my gut earlier, I would have saved myself some pain. Listen to your gut, do some soul searching, and you should be able to figure out if you should be with the person you are with. When I met my husband, my gut told me that, yes, he was a good guy and worth being with, and I listened.

They are abusive

This seems obvious, but sometimes it isn’t. Emotional abuse can be easy to hide. Threatening, bullying, being too controlling, criticizing you, and trying to manipulate you are all red flags. Things are not going to get better the longer you are together.

Marriage won’t fix things but will make them worse. If you feel like you are being abused, seek help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a good place to start. No one deserves to be treated like this. Even if you don’t think they are being abusive, anyone who treats you like crap isn’t worth your time.

You don’t want the military lifestyle

Being a military girlfriend gives you a preview of what you will experience if you stay with your boyfriend long-term. For some, the military is going to be a 20-year career. Can you stand by them during that time? Can you see yourself as a military spouse?

If you don’t want this lifestyle, if you think it would be too difficult, it’s okay to say so and walk away. This life is a hard one. Deployments, solo parenting, and so many stressful days. That being said, even some seasoned military spouses have felt like we couldn’t get through this life, but we just keep going, one day at a time if need be.

Why you shouldn’t break up with your military boyfriend

Yes, some couples do break up. During basic training, during a deployment, or just during regular military life. However, some couples make it.

They get through the difficult parts and become a stronger couple through everything they have to go through. Some couples make the relationship work and go on to have a life together. So why shouldn’t you break up with your military boyfriend?

Because he treats you well and he is truly what you want. 

This might seem simple, but at the end of the day, if you are with someone who will treat you the way you should be treated and he is truly what you want in a boyfriend or a spouse, you can get through almost anything.

We can never know the future or what we might go through together. Life can throw you so many curveballs. Be committed and know that you can handle this military life if you want to be with him.

What advice would you give to someone dating someone in the military?

9 Uplifting Bible Verses to Support You on Difficult Deployment Days

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Deployment days are not all the same. Some will have you wanting to pull your hair out, while others will be a little calmer. When we were going through our military deployments, one of the things that helped me get through was thinking about different mantras and bible verses to remind me that I could get through the days ahead.

We often doubt ourselves when going through a deployment, especially during more difficult deployment days. Here are nine encouraging Bible verses to keep around for your next deployment. I will start with my personal favorite, Joshua 1:9, which got me through more than one difficult deployment day:

Uplifting Bible Verses to Support You

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” – Joshua 1:9

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” – Isaiah 41:10

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 4:6-7

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” – Matthew 11:28-30

“I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.” – Psalm 121:1-2

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” – Psalm 46:1

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” – Deuteronomy 31:6

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” – Psalm 73:26

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” – John 14:27

Although a Bible verse or inspiring quote might not make you love a deployment, what would honestly? They can help you overcome a difficult time or remind you of the bigger picture.

Do you have a special verse or quote that inspires you?

When Your Spouse Won’t Be Home For the Holidays

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When Your Spouse Won't Be Home For the Holidays

Your spouse won’t be home for the holidays this year, and that’s a lot to take in.

October becomes November. The holidays will be here soon. Everyone else seems excited, but there is a part of you that just wants the holiday season to be over. You just want to fast forward time.

You think about what you are going to do. Should you go home to see your parents? Should you go home to see your in-laws? Should you just stay put so your kids can be in a familiar space?

You wonder about the tree. Every year you pick one out together, but this year will be different. And it hurts to think about what to do about this tradition, about all the holiday traditions they will miss.

You know you need to figure all of this out. You can’t just ignore Christmas. You can’t do that to your kids, but you feel lost.

Your spouse won’t be home for the holidays this year, and you are not sure how everything is going to work out.

You think about what you love about this time of year, and figure out how to get to a better place. You know they have to be away, but that doesn’t mean you have to skip anything. You start to wonder if maybe celebrating would be the best way to make it through.

As the stores put out their decorations, as the world seems to march on to the best season of all, your heart can’t get into it. Even though you really want it to.

You think about years past, and try not to worry about what they will miss. Will they be missing you as you miss them? Will they have a good holiday too, celebrating it so far from home?

Your spouse won’t be home for the holidays this year, and that makes you feel very much alone.

As your family and friends share what they are getting their kids, you think about how that is all up to you this year. That your spouse can’t help you with the shopping or the wrapping or by playing Santa. That all they can really do is offer a few suggestions, or maybe send some things through Amazon.

As November moves on, you wonder about Thanksgiving and how you will celebrate a day to be thankful when it feels like so much is missing. Can you get together with friends this year? Can you have a feast knowing they will miss all the fun?

Once you get past Thanksgiving, the pit in your stomach is back. You can feel it. The thought of Christmas morning, and knowing they won’t be there is a lot to think about. The thought of missing them on that day is almost too much.

Your spouse won’t be home for the holidays this year, but you are going to find a way through.

You think about all you have been through before. One time they left right before your 30th birthday, and you got through that. When you gave birth to your son, they were across the ocean. You survived a 15-month deployment, which included two Christmas Days, and found a way to still make the holidays special for your family.

You know you are strong enough to handle this, why doesn’t it always feel that way?

You know you have been through this before, so why does this year seem so hard?

You know you can handle the holidays with a deployed spouse, but why does it feel so impossible sometimes?

And so you do what us military spouses do. You figure things out. You find out what works.

Your spouse won’t be home for the holidays this year, but that doesn’t mean the holidays are canceled.

That just means they will look a little differently than they usually do. That just means you will have the chance to do things a little differently.

You and your children will create memories together, and grow as a family. You will take more photos than normal, and share them with your spouse. You will send some pretty amazing holiday-themed care packages.

You will find friends to celebrate with, or just enjoy the quiet that can come from a simple Christmas. You will figure out how to make this work, even if the way you celebrate this year doesn’t look the same as it has in the past.

Your spouse won’t be home for the holidays this year, and they could miss next year too.

If your spouse is in the military, they could be gone for the holidays again. They can miss Christmas, or Hanukkah, or your birthday. They can miss New Year’s Eve or Valentine’s Day, or any holiday that is special to you.

And as military spouses, we might shed some tears about this. Missing your spouse during the holidays isn’t fun. But as military spouses, we also figure out how to make the holidays work for us, we have to. There is no other way.

So if you are getting ready to go through your first holiday season without your spouse, know you can figure out a way to get through this. Get creative. Involve friends and family. And do what works well for you and your own family.

Do you do anything special when your spouse is away for the holidays???

What To Do When You Are Having A Bad Deployment Day

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There was so much to do that day, and my patience was running thin. He had been gone for a few months now, so most days were better than they had been. Still, I felt on edge and on the verge of tears. I send one kid off to school, took one to hourly care, and took my baby home to get some work done.

A few hours later, I was picking up my middle son at hourly. I knew I had to get home and wait for my oldest to get off the bus. Once he did, we would have to get homework done, figure out a quick dinner, and then back to post for the third time that day for soccer practice.

I could feel the tears coming. All I wanted to do was go to bed early. All I wanted was a hug from my deployed husband, but I knew I wasn’t going to get that, not that day. We were in the middle of a deployment, and I was on my own. I was in charge of everything, and I felt like I had hit some type of wall.

As we headed off post, I sat at a light waiting for it to turn green. Luckily, no one else was around. I then realized that the light was already green, and I was waiting at the green light. It was then that I realized that I needed to take the rest of the day off, as much as I could.

We would order pizza for dinner, have an early bedtime, and skip soccer that night.

Even though this happened so many years ago, I can still remember that day so vividly. This was one of many bad deployment days, but one in which I realized what was happening and ended up changing my schedule so that I could get through the day. I didn’t always do this. Some days I plowed through, only to feel at peace once I was in bed for the night. But for this bad deployment day? I had had enough and raised the white flag.

The truth is, during a deployment you are going to have your bad deployment days. You are going to have days where nothing seems to work right. You will have days where everything falls apart. You will have days where you won’t exactly be sure how you will make it through the week, let alone the four months you have left until homecoming.

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What To Do When You Are Having A Bad Deployment Day

If you hit a bad deployment day, there are things you can do to help:

Remember, not every day will be like this

One of the things I always tried to do during a bad deployment day was reminded myself that not every day during a deployment was going to be like that. That yes, I was having a bad day, but the next day could be much better.

That some deployment days would make me smile. That things wouldn’t always feel so depressing. Reminding myself of this helped me see the bigger picture instead of getting stuck on a bad day.

If you need to cry, cry

If you need to cry, cry. That’s okay. Sometimes that is how we can get the stress of the day out. Sometimes that is the only thing that works to get to a better place.

If you are hanging out with people that think crying is a sign of weakness, find new people to hang out with the rest of the deployment. And if you are someone that never cries? That is okay too. We all handle bad deployment days in our own way.

What To Do When You Are Having A Bad Deployment Day

Make new plans

During a bad deployment day, take a look at your calendar. Can you add anything to it? Do you need to take something away? Do you need to change things up?

Sometimes we suffer because we are not staying busy enough and other times we do because we have too much on our plates. Finding that balance is a must, but can be hard to do. We don’t want to say no to things, but sometimes, our mental health will require it, especially during a deployment.

Reach out to friends

If you have a friend you can share with, reach out to them. If they are local, invite them over, or make plans to meet up. Text someone, call someone or even send a quick email. Reaching out to friends, and even family can be very helpful. They can remind you that everything is going to be okay and that you will get through this bad deployment day.

If you are struggling because you don’t have any good friends where you live, see what you can do to change that. Figure out where you can go to meet new people. Get out there and keep trying. You never know who you might meet when you do.

Take something off your plate

If you are struggling during a bad deployment day, it’s okay to take something off of your plate. Maybe, like me, it is skipping a soccer practice. Maybe for you, that wouldn’t be okay, but saying no to something else makes more sense.

Try to keep things in perspective and know that if you need to do less on a certain day, that’s okay. You are going through a deployment, you simply can’t do it all, and if you need to, you can say no to something that might be a little too much for you to do that day.

Whether you just started your deployment, or are in the very middle of one, getting through a deployment isn’t going to be easy. Somedays you will have to think outside the box. Somedays you will have to change things up. Somedays you will have to raise the white flag and say that you need to take a step back.

What do you do when you hit a bad deployment day? 

Finding Peace During Military Life

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Life is always going to be busy, isn’t it? There is always something going on. Throw a deployment, training, or PCS into the mix, and finding peace during the storms sometimes feels a little impossible.

The truth is, this military life is going to keep you on your toes. There might always be something going on. There might always be something that is going to drive you crazy or keep you up at night. So what can we as military spouses do about it?

Take time for yourself

You need to take time for yourself. This is is super important. And it might look different based on the seasons of your life. Sometimes self-care is taking a long bath and relaxing with a good book after the kids go to bed. Other times it is making that appointment for a massage while your kids are in school. Find what brings you peace, and take time out for self-care. It’s a must!

Talk to a friend

Find friends that you can trust with what is going on in your life. Friends who won’t judge and will listen. Friends who can understand you might be feeling a little all over the place with everything on your plate. Good friends can help us through the ups and downs of military life, give us a place to vent, and allow for a better life.

Take a daily walk

There is just something about taking a walk. Whether you do so around the block in your neighborhood, on a greenway or trail, or even at the mall. Some even have early walking hours. Get out there, get moving, and enjoy all the benefits of this type of exercise. You will be glad you did.

Cut things out

Take a look at everything on your plate. See if you can cut anything. See if you can rearrange anything. Mixing up your schedule might be just what you need to find a little more peace. And make sure you are scheduling that time for you.

Take social media breaks

Social media is great, and it can offer us a lot of enjoyment. However, sometimes social media can be the thing that is breaking our peace. Sometimes it is the thing that is driving us crazy or making us feel less then. Take the weekends off, take a month away from a platform, and find ways to make social media work better for you.

Accept the crazy

We all know how crazy military life can get. You might be PCSing next month and then find out it was moved to June. They might be coming home from a deployment, and you aren’t quite sure how that will go. There is a lot out there that we simply can’t control. And sometimes the best thing to do is to accept it. Accept the crazy.

I know that this is always going to be easier said than done. But a lot of getting through military life is about your perspective. And that is something you can work on. No, you can’t control when a deployment hits, but you can control how you respond to it. Take a look at my deployment posts and figure out the best way to get through that time apart.

Finding peace during military life can be hard to achieve, and honestly, you might not get there, at least not 100%. Do what you can to work towards finding it, and allow yourself some grace if you are struggling. Reach out for help, find good friends, and remember, military life is a journey.

When You Are Sick And Your Spouse Is Deployed

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When You Are Sick And Your Spouse Is Deployed

If you are a military spouse, and you get sick, it is probably going to be when your spouse is deployed, or otherwise not at home. You can thank Murphy’s law for that, I know I have been hit by Murphy myself.

While you can get to a place where you feel you are rocking a deployment, a stomach bug can turn things upside down, especially if you have young kids.

So…what should you do? What can you do? Here are some helpful tips for when you are sick and your spouse is deployed:

Ask for help

When you are sick, you might have to actually ask for help. If you are like me, this is going to be hard for you. I hate asking others for help and will try to do it all myself first.

However, I am not Superwoman and sometimes, I really need that extra help. If you have a close friend, see if they can bring you a few things from the store, or pick up a child from school. Most people are more than willing to help out a solo parenting military spouse.

Say no

If you are not feeling well, you are going to have to say no to some things. This can be hard to do sometimes. But we are all human, and we are all trying to get it all done, even if our spouse is overseas. And sometimes that means saying no, especially when we are sick.

Maybe the FRG won’t have as many food dishes that night, maybe a kid will have to skip practice, but sometimes we do have to let some things go during a deployment. Don’t burn yourself out when you are sick and don’t feel guilty if you have to say no to certain things. Besides, if you are contagious, you want to stay at home anyway.

Let your kids help you

If your kids are old enough, let them help you. Older children can help you with younger kids. Children can do extra chores, or help you around the house. Think about small ways they can help make things easier for you when you are sick.

Take care of yourself

In the end, remember to take care of yourself. Your health is important and you don’t want to ignore something that could become more serious later. Try to rest when you can, drink plenty of fluids, and get yourself to the doctor if you need to.

You should also be taking care of yourself before you get sick to hopefully lessen the chances of catching something. If you haven’t been for a checkup in a while, make an appointment. Don’t forget about your own dental care, and follow up on anything you think you need more information about.

When you get sick, all you really want to do is hide under your blankets but during a deployment, that probably isn’t going to be possible. Remember to ask for help if you need it, say no to some things, see if your kids can help, and remember that your health is important too.

Have you ever gotten really sick when your spouse was deployed? What did you do to get through that?