Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Deployment

Finding Peace During Military Life

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Life is always going to be busy, isn’t it? There is always something going on. Throw a deployment, training, or PCS into the mix, and finding peace during the storms sometimes feels a little impossible.

The truth is, this military life is going to keep you on your toes. There might always be something going on. There might always be something that is going to drive you crazy or keep you up at night. So what can we as military spouses do about it?

Take time for yourself

You need to take time for yourself. This is is super important. And it might look different based on the seasons of your life. Sometimes self-care is taking a long bath and relaxing with a good book after the kids go to bed. Other times it is making that appointment for a massage while your kids are in school. Find what brings you peace, and take time out for self-care. It’s a must!

Talk to a friend

Find friends that you can trust with what is going on in your life. Friends who won’t judge and will listen. Friends who can understand you might be feeling a little all over the place with everything on your plate. Good friends can help us through the ups and downs of military life, give us a place to vent, and allow for a better life.

Take a daily walk

There is just something about taking a walk. Whether you do so around the block in your neighborhood, on a greenway or trail, or even at the mall. Some even have early walking hours. Get out there, get moving, and enjoy all the benefits of this type of exercise. You will be glad you did.

Cut things out

Take a look at everything on your plate. See if you can cut anything. See if you can rearrange anything. Mixing up your schedule might be just what you need to find a little more peace. And make sure you are scheduling that time for you.

Take social media breaks

Social media is great, and it can offer us a lot of enjoyment. However, sometimes social media can be the thing that is breaking our peace. Sometimes it is the thing that is driving us crazy or making us feel less then. Take the weekends off, take a month away from a platform, and find ways to make social media work better for you.

Accept the crazy

We all know how crazy military life can get. You might be PCSing next month and then find out it was moved to June. They might be coming home from a deployment, and you aren’t quite sure how that will go. There is a lot out there that we simply can’t control. And sometimes the best thing to do is to accept it. Accept the crazy.

I know that this is always going to be easier said than done. But a lot of getting through military life is about your perspective. And that is something you can work on. No, you can’t control when a deployment hits, but you can control how you respond to it. Take a look at my deployment posts and figure out the best way to get through that time apart.

Finding peace during military life can be hard to achieve, and honestly, you might not get there, at least not 100%. Do what you can to work towards finding it, and allow yourself some grace if you are struggling. Reach out for help, find good friends, and remember, military life is a journey.

When You Are Sick And Your Spouse Is Deployed

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When You Are Sick And Your Spouse Is Deployed

If you are a military spouse, and you get sick, it is probably going to be when your spouse is deployed, or otherwise not at home. You can thank Murphy’s law for that, I know I have been hit by Murphy myself.

While you can get to a place where you feel you are rocking a deployment, a stomach bug can turn things upside down, especially if you have young kids.

So…what should you do? What can you do? Here are some helpful tips for when you are sick and your spouse is deployed:

Ask for help

When you are sick, you might have to actually ask for help. If you are like me, this is going to be hard for you. I hate asking others for help and will try to do it all myself first.

However, I am not Superwoman and sometimes, I really need that extra help. If you have a close friend, see if they can bring you a few things from the store, or pick up a child from school. Most people are more than willing to help out a solo parenting military spouse.

Say no

If you are not feeling well, you are going to have to say no to some things. This can be hard to do sometimes. But we are all human, and we are all trying to get it all done, even if our spouse is overseas. And sometimes that means saying no, especially when we are sick.

Maybe the FRG won’t have as many food dishes that night, maybe a kid will have to skip practice, but sometimes we do have to let some things go during a deployment. Don’t burn yourself out when you are sick and don’t feel guilty if you have to say no to certain things. Besides, if you are contagious, you want to stay at home anyway.

Let your kids help you

If your kids are old enough, let them help you. Older children can help you with younger kids. Children can do extra chores, or help you around the house. Think about small ways they can help make things easier for you when you are sick.

Take care of yourself

In the end, remember to take care of yourself. Your health is important and you don’t want to ignore something that could become more serious later. Try to rest when you can, drink plenty of fluids, and get yourself to the doctor if you need to.

You should also be taking care of yourself before you get sick to hopefully lessen the chances of catching something. If you haven’t been for a checkup in a while, make an appointment. Don’t forget about your own dental care, and follow up on anything you think you need more information about.

When you get sick, all you really want to do is hide under your blankets but during a deployment, that probably isn’t going to be possible. Remember to ask for help if you need it, say no to some things, see if your kids can help, and remember that your health is important too.

Have you ever gotten really sick when your spouse was deployed? What did you do to get through that?

The Camo in my Living Room

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The Camo in my Living Room

I walk into my living room, and it is there. The camo. The color of the military.

Normally, this all lives in other parts of the house, put away, until it is needed. But today, I can see his military gear, and I know what that means.

The camo in my living room means he is getting ready to go. To serve. To train. To fight.

The camo in my living room means that I won’t be able to see him for a while. That he will be living somewhere else. That it is time for him to go.

Sometimes the camo means he is leaving for a little while, and that isn’t quite so bad.

Sometimes the camo means he is leaving for way too long, and my heart breaks a little when I think about what that means.

Often times, us military spouses get into the days of every day life. Our spouse is home, and while he might put on a uniform every day, or even just once a month, we feel pretty settled and content with everything.

And then we see the camo in the living room…

And we are reminded of what they signed up for, and what their purpose is.

And if we have been through this before, we are reminded about the lonely nights, the heartfelt goodbyes, and the long awaited homecomings.

We know we can get through what is ahead, although sometimes, we lose sight of that.

And even if we know we can get through any time apart, that doesn’t make saying goodbye any easier.

As we see them prepare for whatever is ahead, we wonder why we choose this road. Why did we marry a soldier? Why did we stand by when they signed those papers?

And as we watch our spouse packing things up, we know.

We know that this is who they are, and this is what they feel called to do. And we know that we feel called to them and for that, we know we can get through this challenge too.

As military spouse, we can go through periods of time when life just feels a little too hard. When we wish things were a little different, or that we had made different choices.

But…

As we watch them and see that camo in our living rooms, we feel a pride in our spouse that has chosen this road. And that even if watching them leave is difficult, we can stand by them as they go.

We know that we don’t have to go through all of this alone, other military spouses are doing the exact same thing.

We know we can help other spouses through this, because we have been there before.

We know that in the end, there is no other person we would rather be with, military and all.

So to those of you who also see camo in your living room during this season, you got this.

Even if the days are long…

Even if the tears keep coming…

Even if it seems like too much…

Because you are a military spouse, and you have the strength to handle the difficulties and challenges this life brings.

If you are getting ready to say goodbye, whether for just a few weeks or a lot longer, please visit the rest of my deployment blog posts, and know you are not alone.

Balancing Staying Busy When Your Spouse Is Deployed

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Balancing Staying Busy When Your Spouse Is Deployed

Stay busy!

Fill your days!

Don’t stay at home!

Have you heard this deployment advice before? It’s good advice. If you are always at home, not doing anything, the deployment is going to be a lot harder for you. You need to stay busy, find things to do, so that time passes instead of standing still.

But…

Can you be too busy?

What if you have taken on too much?

Can you survive without any downtime?

I know I can’t. I need time at home to recharge. I need to relax. I can’t be busy all of the time.

During deployments, I find myself trying to find the perfect balance. I want to stay busy, but I still want some downtime. I don’t want to get bored, but also want to be able to breathe a bit sometimes. And finding this perfect balance can be so difficult.

So what can you do to find that balance? How can you stay busy without being too busy? Here are some tips to help:

Say yes to the best

When filling out your calendar, you might be presented with so many different activities and events. Only say yes to the ones you really want to go to. What types of things do you really enjoy doing? What works best for your kids, and your budget?

By only saying yes to the best things, you can avoid feeling burned out by activities that really aren’t your style. While you want to be open to new experiences, if you know that taking your kids to a certain play-place always ends in tears, it might be best not to make plans to go there for the time being.

Know your kids

This goes along with what you say yes to. You know your own kids. You know what works well for them and what doesn’t. You know how much they can handle on a given day.

I have a son that needs a lot of downtime at home to recharge, especially after a long school day. This can be a big challenge when trying to stay busy. I always had to figure out the best way to balance our time keeping that in mind.

Stay busy at home

There are things you can do to stay busy when you are at home. You can start a DIY project, start on a new book series, or even sign up to take classes online.

You don’t always have to fill your calendar with big events or activities far from home. There is a lot you can do to stay busy at home, which can be helpful when you have small kids.

The key is having some type of plan. Invite a friend over for playdates, put down the dates you will be repainting your kitchen on your calendar, or make time to go for a walk to break up the day.

It’s okay to say no

It’s okay to say no. It is. Running a household when you are the only parent around means you have to either do everything or delicate everything so it gets done. You might be the only one cooking, the only one cleaning, the only one making sure the kids get to where they need to go.

Because of this, you can get burned out pretty easily. During this stage, you might find people asking you to do things. You might find yourself feeling like you always have to say yes.

But you know what? You don’t always have to say yes. You can say no sometimes. The world will not fall apart I promise.

If you are feeling pretty overwhelmed with your busy schedule, see what you can say no to. It might even be saying no to something that week, knowing you need the rest. It might even be saying no to something good, but deep down you know you need a chill day more than you need to be busy.

Plan days to relax

Put days on the calendar just to relax. This can look different to different people.

Some would want to just chill at home, others would book a spa day or go browse around a bookstore.

If you have kids, check into your local CDC to see if they have any Super Saturday events going on, or if they offer extra free childcare hours. You can take these days for yourself during a deployment, and create some peace during a busy time.

Don’t compare yourself to others

Some people like to be busier than others. I know for myself, I need to have my downtime, deployment or not. I like to get out and do things but if I don’t have that downtime, I can really feel it.

Sometimes I see what some of my friends do each weekend and I feel like I could never do that much on a regular basis. And I think that is okay. We all have different personalities.

During a deployment, you might see friends, even ones with a deployed husband, doing what you feel would be too much for you. Don’t worry about that. They are doing what is best for them, you do what is best for you. Don’t feel like you have to keep up with them if that doesn’t work for you and your family.

There is something nice about finding that perfect balance, and you might not always totally get there. You might go through months at a time where everything is flowing and then will have to redo your schedule and make some changes. Burn out is so very real during a deployment but you can do things to help stay more balanced.

Whatever you do, however you choose to stay busy, know that it is okay to take a down day, or not schedule so much. Figure out a good balance and remember that how you choose to spend the time might look different than how other people do. Find things you enjoy, and don’t be afraid to say no sometimes.

Make sure to check out my other deployment posts to help you through and enjoy these blog post from other military spouse bloggers on self-care and staying busy:

What does milspouse self-care look like anyway?

Self-Care for MILSOs: A Deployment’s Worth of Healthy Practices

50+ Amazing Things Military Spouses Can Do During Deployment

3 Quick Tips To Get Through A Really Rough Deployment Day

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Three Quick Tips To Get Through A Really Rough Deployment Day

You know what I love? When you are in a middle of a deployment and things seem to be going well!

You are doing what you have to do, your kids are doing what they have to do, and everything flows.

That is the best feeling. You can really feel like you are thriving during the deployment instead of just trying to survive it. You feel like you got this!

But then, you might have days that don’t work out so well. You might have really rough deployment days, that just makes you want to cry. You might struggle with knowing how to get through them.

The good news is there are some things you can do to help get through these bad deployment days. Here are three quick tips that work for me:

Phone a friend!

Call someone you can vent to. Maybe that is a family member or a good friend. Find someone who understands that deployment can be difficult and can encourage you through them.

You don’t want someone that is going to say things like, “you knew what you signed up for,” or anything like that. Sometimes we just need to vent things out a little, cry things out a little, and then we can get to a better place.

If you can find other friends to go through a deployment with, you can help each other out with this. When one of you is having a bad time, the other can help bring the other through it. And if you are both dealing with a really rough deployment day at the same time, plan to meet up, order the kids some pizza, and have a fun tonight together to get through the more difficult parts of deployment.

Do something fun for an hour!

If time is dragging, which can lead to a really rough deployment day, you have to do something to kick-start it again. You need to make plans, even if just for an hour. You need to find something that will keep you busy.

Find something that will keep you busy for at least an hour. If you can do this, what usually happens is that you will fill that hour and more. And before you know it, the day is over and you have gotten through another one. It is all about putting your focus on something else instead of the deployment.

You should keep a list of things to do during a deployment that will keep you busy, that way you will always have a place to go to find something to do. It might be something as simple as going for a walk, or a long drive. Just find something else you can do, either alone, or with your kids, and you will find time will pass a little bit quicker.

Write in your journal!

Keeping a journal during a deployment is one of the best things you can do. Journals don’t judge, you can write in them whenever you want to, and they can help you get to a better place.

If you are angry at the military, write it out. If you are missing your spouse so much, you don’t think anyone else will understand, write it out. If you are just not sure how to express yourself, write it out.

Writing things out can be very good for you, no matter what you are going through. If you are in that really rought deployment spot, try to add journalling to your routine. It will probably make you feel much better.

Deployments can be tough on people for different reasons. What works for one person might not work for another, but hopefully, these tips can help you get through your next really rough deployment day.

Why You Should Dive Into Books During Your Next Deployment

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Why You Should Dive Into Books During Your Next Deployment

This post does contain affiliate links!

Twilight. I read all the Twilight books during one of our deployments. A friend told me about them, and even though I was already 30 years old, I dove right into that series.

I am a huge reader. I usually average about 70 books a year and would love to read more. I always have a couple of books going and always aware of some of the newest books that are out there.

I love most types of fiction, from a sweet romance to a crazy sci-fiction story. I read paper books, on my Kindle, and audiobooks. I always have at least one book with me. I also enjoy certain types of non-fiction, such as memoirs or fun topics that interest me.

There is not one day that goes by where I don’t read some part of a book, I just can’t do it. Reading is like brushing my teeth for me. Reading is just something I always do.

During deployments or any time my husband has been away from us, books have become even more important. I love to get lost in a series, read about some other time in history, or another place that I can’t physically visit at the moment.

I love a good binge-watch but there is something about getting lost in a good book that just takes me away from what I am dealing with and heals my soul a little bit. Stories are so very therapeutic and perfect to dive into during a deployment.

A good book can warm your heart, allow you to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, and distract you from something you would rather not think about.

Reading a good book can be a form of self-care and as military spouses, we know how important that is. Reading can keep you busy and staying busy is a must during a deployment.

If you haven’t picked up a book for a while, maybe now is the time? There are so many good ones. So many books to get lost in. So many books that will take you to another place.

If you are feeling lonely and missing your spouse, a book can put you in a better mood. If you are having a rough time with the kids, a book can make you laugh, and help you feel better. If you are dying to be somewhere else, a book can take you all over the world.

On a practical level, reading a book before bed can make you sleepy. If you are having trouble falling asleep when your spouse is deployed, try reading in bed. My Kindle is right by my bed so if I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep, I can read for a bit in order to do so. Works about 90% of the time 🙂

If you would love to read and feel like you don’t have any time, let me make a few suggestions.

  • Try audiobooks. You can listen to these while you are doing chores, while driving, or going on a walk. Use your library card with either Overdrive or Hoopla to check them out for free.
  • Always have a book handy. Put one in your car, put the Kindle app on your phone, or stick one in your purse. There are so many times you might have to wait somewhere and if you have a book on you, you can read a chapter or two. Jessica Turner’s book, The Fringe Hours: Making Time For You is a great read all about finding those extra moments.
  • Don’t think you have to read a book all in one sitting. I think part of the reason I can read so much is that I don’t feel the need to finish a book all in one sitting. If that were the case, I would never finish anything. Be okay with a chapter here and there, whenever you have time, and you will be able to get your reading done.
  • Read in front of your kids. Reading in front of your kids is totally fine. Just make sure they are safe, and you should be okay. You can read while you nurse, read while they are at the playground, or whenever you feel comfortable. Obviously, this is going to be an age thing and things will change as your kids get older but I don’t think kids growing up watching their parents read is ever a bad thing.
  • Join a book club. If you are really struggling, join a local book club. Usually, a book club will have one book you are supposed to read each month. Beyond that, at your book club, people will be talking about all the amazing books they are reading, and that can get your inspired too.
  • Join Bookstagram. Did you know that there is a name for all the accounts that share books on Instagram? Bookstagram is a wonderful place. I started an account just for books called The Fiction Book Cafe last fall and so glad that I did. I can talk about all the books I am reading and learn about what other book lovers are reading too. Make sure to join me over there 🙂

Need some suggestions on what to read?

For a sweet love story, check out One Day in December by Josie Silver, One True Loves by Taylor Jenkins Reid, or The Bride Test by Helen Hoang.

For a book with a twist, check out The Last Mrs. Parrish by Liv Constantine, Then She Was Gone by Lisa Jewell, or Lock Every Door by Riley Sager.

For an amazing story that spans many years, check out Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens, the Great Alone by Kristin Hannah, or Ask Again, Yes by Mary Beth Keane.

For a fantastic historical fiction book, check out Before We Were Yours by Lisa Wingate, Lilac Girls by Martha Hall Kelly, or The Last Year of the War by Susan Meissner.

For an emotional story, check out An American Marriage by Tayari Jones, This Is How It Always Is by Laurie Frankel, or The Heart’s Invisible Furies by John Boyne.

For a really amazing memoir, check out Educated by Tara Westover, Becoming by Michelle Obama, or Maid: Hard Work, Low Pay, and a Mother’s Will to Survive by Stephanie Land

For a book about time travel, check out the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon, The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger, or 11/22/63 by Stephen King. 

Looking for more suggestions? Check out my Goodreads and connect with me there too 🙂

How has reading helped you during a deployment?

The Truth About Missing Your Spouse

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He had been gone a few months, and I was getting used to the deployment. As if you could get used to living without your spouse. I was at that point where missing him went pretty deep.

I missed him being around. I missed the time we had together. I missed him coming home from work. I missed everything about him.

But then I reminded myself that missing your spouse is a part of the military spouse package.

The Truth About Missing Your Spouse

Deployments will happen. He will be gone. And I will miss him. 

When they first deploy, you miss their presence in your home. You miss them being there on a lazy Saturday and being there for your kids. But months into the deployment, missing them feels different.

The truth about missing your spouse is that sometimes you get used to doing so and other times you miss them so much you feel like your heart is going to burst. And you can have both of these feelings in the same week.

You can get to a point where them being gone is your norm. You have your routine. You feel as though you can make it through the deployment. Then one day you wake up and realize you haven’t kissed them in six months and you will have to wait for a few more.

You walk by a couple and feel pains of jealousy even though you have never met them before.

Even the simplest of things like holding hands when you are walking down the street seems like a huge loss. 

You miss the silly jokes and the flirting you guys do with one another.

You laugh at how you used to get annoyed when he worked an extra hour. You would give anything for that now.

You know he could be gone longer, but all you want at the moment is for him to be home ASAP.

You talk yourself into doing something fun, even if you are not in the mood to do so.

You smile for your kids, hug them while they cry, and try to reassure them that Daddy will be home soon, even if it is going to be a while.

Missing someone on a day-to-day basis is exhausting.

You will feel that catching up with you. Breathe. Try to find ways to relax. Try to find ways to connect with each other, even from overseas.

Know that all you are doing is getting through X amount of days before you will be together again. This is just a number. Your number might be long, your number might just be a few weeks, but you just need to get through them.

During my hardest days, I remind myself that all I need to do is get through those days the best way that I can. I plan things, I write in my journal, I remember all the fun times we have had and know we will have more in the future.

Missing your spouse is going to be difficult. This is a good thing.

That means you guys are connected, that you love one another, and when you are apart it can hurt.

That doesn’t mean you will be sad 100% of the time. That doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy yourself. At the end of the day, you have to live your life, even without them.

Staying in bed for a nine-month deployment simply isn’t an option.

The truth about missing your spouse is in the end, the distance makes you stronger. You figure out ways to get through those days apart. You learn how to communicate in ways you didn’t have to in the past. You learn not to take one another for granted.

If you are in a period of time where you are missing your spouse, know that you are not alone. So many other military spouses, as well as other spouses, are going through the same thing. You will get through this. You will make it to the other side.

What do you to help yourself when you are really missing your spouse?

Looking for more deployment posts?

The Independent Dependents in the Military World

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The Independent Dependents in the Military World

PCS by myself with an 18-month-old. Check.

Go 11 months without seeing my husband. Check.

Give birth without my husband by my side. Check.

As military spouses, we have to do so many things, all by ourselves, that we never thought we would.

When I was giving birth to my first little boy, before Army life, I knew I wanted more children. I never would have thought that my husband wouldn’t be there for their births too.

When we got married, and I looked back at previous long-distance relationships, I never thought I would go through that with him. A long-distance marriage? Who wants that???

If someone would have told me at 23 that when I was 26 I would be moving an 18-month old to Germany by myself, I would have told them they were crazy. There was no way I was going to do that, nope.

You probably have similar stories. During military life, you may have had to do things you didn’t think you would have had to do. Things that didn’t even seem possible. Things your former self wouldn’t be able to wrap your mind around.

But the truth is, although they may call us “dependents” we are anything but. We have to be independent, in so many different ways.

If your spouse is deployed, you will probably be the one making a lot of the decisions around the house that you normally would make together. Parenting? That all falls to you pretty much. Sure, your deployed spouse can give you some input but they are not the ones there on a day-to-day basis.

This can be SO taxing sometimes. And can lead to some serious burnout. You might feel like you are never going to get a break. No matter how many times people remind you that you are strong, it doesn’t always feel like it.

On the other hand, becoming more independent, being the person who holds everything all together, that can feel empowering. You can take that strength with you through the rest of your military journey.

I know for me, when I am feeling not quite so strong, I remind myself of my 15-month deployment, or that I took a Space-A trip from Germany and back again with a two and four-year-old. I remind myself that I can do hard things, scary things I never thought I would be able to do.

Yes, we are “dependents” as far as what the military will officially call us, but we are anything but.

We work hard to keep things together, we have to be both mom and dad, and we do it each and every day because we know we have to.

If you are new to this life, you could be feeling so very intimidated by all of this. Maybe you consider yourself fiercely independent, but at the same time are not sure what to expect. Maybe you don’t feel that way at all, and wonder how you will get through so much alone.

The truth is, you will surprise yourself, time and time again. What seems impossible right now, will be possible when you have to go through it.

I can remember when my husband first talked about joining the military. Our son was not even a year old and all I could think was that if he did join, I would have to parent without him and I couldn’t do that. I needed him with me, at home, each and every day.

But then something changed. He left for Germany, and I was suddenly a solo parent to a 13-month-old. And it was so, so very hard at the time. But somehow I made it through that, and many more months and years of solo parenting to come.

I learned a big lesson when my husband joined the Army. That I could do hard things that I didn’t think I could do.

That I could be more independent than I thought I could be. That I could figure out how to make things work, and how to get through this crazy military life.

I don’t have it all figured out. Sometimes when he is gone, I really wish he was home. Being the main person to take care of the home, and the boys, in addition to everything on my plate is overwhelming at times. But, at the end of the day, I know I can handle what comes my way.

Handling military life doesn’t always mean I have to handle every little thing personally. I can ask for help. I can hire a service. I can take certain things off my plate.

Asking for help never comes easy for me. I want to be able to do everything all myself. I don’t want to have to rely on anyone else.

But sometimes, I simply can’t. I have to ask. I have to find someone to help me.

Being independent might not always come easy, even though we are required to be so.

If you are married, you are in a partnership. You want to help each other out. But sometimes, especially during a deployment, your partner and you might feel pretty distant, or that you have to do everything the two of you might do together.

This is one of those things that can be so difficult about military life. The feeling that everything falls to you. The feeling that you no longer have a partner.

But here is the thing, you do have a partner. They might be overseas, but they are still with you in spirit. They might be so busy you barely get to speak, but they still have your back. And you as the spouse will have to become more independent through this, but that will help you through other difficult times in the future.

As you look ahead on your military spouse journey, there will be seasons when everything will fall to you and there will be times when things feel more normal. There will be moments when you feel like you have all of this figured out and moments when you feel a bit lost and are unsure of what the future holds.

Remember, you are not alone in any of this. No matter where you are stationed or where you live, other spouses are dealing with all of this too. You will look back on your years as a military spouse and be amazed at everything you have gone through, and everything you have accomplished.