Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Deployment

There He Goes Again

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Man and woman holding hands.

There he goes again. Always leaving. Always working hard.

I will never get used to seeing him go. I will never not tear up when I think of it. I will never have to say goodbye without that moment causing me pain. But I know he has to go.

As a military spouse, I know that this life means that sometimes he will be far away from us. That we will have to watch him walk away. With his uniform on and his gear at his side.

There he goes again even though it feels like he just came home. Even if I wanted him to stay a bit longer. Even if I wanted him to be here with us instead.

When he signed the paperwork to do this, I stood by not knowing what it all meant. I knew there would be distance, but I didn’t know how badly that could hurt. I knew there would be pain, but I didn’t know the pain wouldn’t get easier as the years went by.

There he goes again. This time to fight a different battle.

This time in a different country. Going somewhere I could never visit. Going to a place I never thought he would ever go.

As I watch him walk away, I think of everything we have been through. Are these all the years that we get? Is this where our story ends? I don’t want to think that, but I can’t help it. I know how dangerous his job can be.

There he goes again. Into the unknown. Into the wild. As I watch him walk away, I wonder who I will be when he returns. I sure hope I am stronger but right now all I feel is weakness.

As I turn to my children, I realize how hard all this is going to be for them. They have to say goodbye to their father again. One more time. They have to do without when other kids don’t. That isn’t fair, but that is a part of this life.

There he goes again. Serving his country. Taking up the fight for freedom. Responding to his orders. Is he the type that could stay home when others go to fight? No, he is the type to go, even when he doesn’t want to leave us.

Oh how much our children will grow when he is gone. They will have birthdays that he will miss and we will never get that time back. They will start at a new school, make new friends, and life will go on for them. Even through missing him.

There He Goes Again

There he goes again. Just like I knew he would have to.

From the moment I heard the news he was going, I knew this day would come. With tears in my eyes, I hugged and kissed him goodbye. I told him I would write; he told me he loved me.

Oh, how I wish this were not a part of our life. Our military life. But it is. Oh, how I wish this were easier. Sometimes I think the next time will be, but saying goodbye doesn’t work like that.

The time apart is what it is. When he goes, I try to stay busy and cross off those days on the calendar. I will send care packages and go to FRG meetings and know that deployments eventually end. I will remember how I got through the last deployment and remember that this one is supposed to be shorter.

There he goes again, as military spouses we will say this over and over again. And each time we will shed our tears and stand tall. Because we have to. Because we love them. Because we love our country.

And through it all, we will take what we learn, apply it to our future and know that we got this, no matter how hard it seems, no matter how long they are gone, no matter what else military life brings our way. 

Looking for more blog posts about surviving a deployment?

7 Creative Ways to Speed Up a Military Deployment

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7 Creative Ways to Speed Up a Military Deployment

There comes a time during everyone’s deployment when time stands still. You could be coming off a few good weeks, and then boom, time stops. It feels like they have been gone forever, and yet you still have so much more time to go. What is a military spouse to do? Here are 7 creative ways to speed up a military deployment, help move things forward, and enjoy life even when your spouse is away.

Volunteer for something fun!

Volunteering can be good for the soul, and being able to help out an organization, or people in your community is a good thing. Find something you would love to help out with. Look for opportunities in your local civilian and military communities. VolunteerMatch is a great website for finding places in your community that need volunteers.

Plan a trip with a friend

Do you have someone you would want to travel with? Do it! Plan a trip with a friend. I did this during our 2nd deployment and it was so much fun. We both had young kids and were able to help each other out while making memories together with one another and our kids. A trip always breaks up a deployment. You don’t even have to go too far. Pick somewhere in your state and get to planning.

Plan a party

Did the deployment hit the 50-day mark? The 100-day mark? Plan a party! Plan a Bunco night! Find something you love to do and invite people to join you. Don’t want to have a party in your house? Check on your local community center to see if you can rent the space or invite people out to your favorite restaurant. Parties are fun and fun makes the time pass a bit quicker!

Find a new job

Maybe you have been at the same job for a while, maybe it is time to move on. Switch things up and put some applications out there. There are organizations like Hire Heroes USA and Military OneSource that can help you on your employment journey.

Write about your experiences

Why not write about your experiences as a military spouse and what it is like going through a deployment? You can start a social media account to share your thoughts, start a blog, or even write a book. We all have a story to tell, and by sharing ours, we can help other military spouses along the way.

Refresh your house

Deployments are the perfect time to refresh your house. Plan a house project. This can be anything from repairing a room or buying some new art to put on the walls or remodeling a bigger space. Don’t forget to use your Lowe’s and Home Depot military discounts when buying supplies for your home projects.

Read a really long book you can’t put down

Find a good, long book, and dive in. Or better yet, find a good, long book series. You will get hooked and not want to put the book down. Reading can be such a great way to get through a deployment.

While there is no real way to fast forward through the months of deployment, there are things you can do to speed up a military deployment. Stay busy, find new friends, and get creative. Not only will doing so help during the deployment but it is good for your soul and will allow you to live a more balanced life.

Saying That Goodbye, As they Head Off to War

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It’s time to say goodbye.

I don’t want to. I really don’t want to.

I want him to stay here forever. Stay with me forever. But that’s not how military life works.

It’s time to say goodbye and I need to be strong. For him. For my kids.

We drive up to the gate. That horrible gate. The one he will walk through after we say our goodbyes.

My tears start to flow, but still, I try to hold them back. He hugs me as he gets out of the car. This is it. This is really happening.

I have been here before. I have done this before. This isn’t new.

And yet, it feels new. It feels just like it did the first time he had to go so many years ago.

He grabs his bag, I grab my boys. We don’t want to draw this out.

He puts his bag where it needs to go and comes back to us. We can stay. We can wait until it is time for him to go. But we decide not to.

We say goodbye then. Knowing the extra hour or two might just drag this out. We say goodbye and then we let go.

I give him that last hug and that last kiss and that last goodbye. He hugs and kisses the boys. And kisses me one last time.

And I tell him what I always tell him, “come back to me,” and he says what he always says, “I will, I always will.”

And so I grab the boys and we get in the car. We have said goodbye. We have kissed and hugged that one last time.

And I leave him there, this man I love so much. The one I married and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Unsure about what the next few months would bring.

As I get the boys in the car, I tell them that we got this and we are going to have an adventure when their dad is gone.

That we will make this time apart fun for them and that the days might be hard at times, we will get through it. I am not sure if they totally understand what I am saying. They are so young but I tell them it will all be okay because I feel like they need to hear it. I feel like I need to say it.

And so we head back home, me trying to keep it together. It’s day 1. The first day of deployment.

It’s day one and the countdown can begin. It’s day one and I know the day will be hard.

And as time moves on, as it always does, I look back on that day and how hard it was to say goodbye.

Saying goodbye to the man I love, as he heads off to war. Saying goodbye as he heads off to a dangerous place. Saying goodbye as we start this next deployment.

And even through the goodbyes are so hard, time passes and we get through the deployment. Homecoming comes, and we see him again. A little stronger than we were before.

We know there could be more deployments in the future, we know that we will have to say goodbye again. But as military spouses, we know we can get through what military life brings us, one day at a time.

19 Solo Parenting Hacks to Use the Next Time Your Spouse Deploys

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19 Solo Parenting Hacks to Use the Next Time Your Spouse Deploys

19 Solo Parenting Hacks to Use the Next Time Your Spouse Deploys

Solo parenting is the pits. Being the only adult in charge can be challenging. Luckily, there are ways to make solo parenting a little bit easier. Here are some solo parenting hacks to use the next time your spouse deploys, or even just goes away for any amount of time.

1. Meal prep

Planning out your meals is always a good idea. Then, when dinnertime comes around, you won’t be struggling with what to make. This will also save you money each week too.

2. Use your village

If you have your people, use them when you need to. Find friends you can depend on and be there for them too. Working together with others will help you during this period of your life.

3. Get ready the night before

If you have a busy morning, get ready the night before. This means packing lunches, laying out clothes, and anything you would normally have to do in the morning. That way, once you get up, you know what you need to do to get out of the house on time.

4. Follow a schedule

Even if you don’t normally stick to a strict schedule, having some kind of daily routine can be a good idea. It helps keep things movings and will help your kids know what is going on.

5. Stay consistent in your discipline

This is the hardest things to do. When you have to fill the roles of both mom and dad, burnout can happen quickly. Try hard to be consistent in your discipline as much as you can.

6. Use online grocery shopping

Order online. Go pick up. Save yourself the task of taking all your kids into the grocery store once a week.

19 Solo Parenting Hacks to Use the Next Time Your Spouse Deploys

7. Trade babysitting with a friend

If you don’t have the extra money to hire a babysitter, or just don’t feel comfortable with doing so, trade babysitting with a friend. This can help both of you out, and you can get things done without having to take your kids with you everywhere.

8. Put kids to bed early

Put your kids to bed early. This will give you more time for yourself and makes the evening hours go by a lot faster. You can do dinner, get them ready for bed, and then have at least an hour or two to clean up or relax.

9. Use paper products sometimes

Sometimes it is okay to take a break from all the dishes and use paper plates. This doesn’t mean you will do this forever, just to get a bit of a break. If the dishes are driving you nuts, use this tip to scale back on what you have to do.

10. Sleep where people need to sleep

If your kids sleep better with you, and you don’t mind, let them sleep there. Fighting sleep during a deployment is the worst. The truth is, when your spouse gets back, you can work on better sleeping arrangements if need be. You and your kids need your rest.

11. Make easy foods

You don’t have to make a big meal every day. Find easy meals to make for you and your kids. Sandwiches and cereal nights can help on busier days. Figure out what meals your kids love and rotate through those instead of always trying to come up with something new.

 

12. Do something fun every day

Plan to do something fun every day. You could just go to the park, the library, or a visit to Chick-Fil-A for their indoor playground. Getting out and doing something everyday will break up the boredom and make the days go by a lot faster.

13. Invite family to come visit and offer a lending hand

If you are close with your family, invite them to stay with you. They can offer a helping hand. They can also see where you live and explore your current city.

19 Solo Parenting Hacks to Use the Next Time Your Spouse Deploys

14. Don’t sweat the small stuff

Deployments mean a lot of stress. Try not to sweat the small stuff. Especially when it comes to the kids.

15. Plan for me time

Make sure to plan for “me” time. See if you your kids can go to CYS, stay with a friend, or even a family member. Take bubble baths, read books, and don’t forget about yourself.

16. Don’t beat yourself up

Don’t beat yourself up for what you can’t seem to do this deployment. If you start to feel guilty about what you can’t do, you will become overwhelmed with everything. Figure out what is most important and try not to stress about the rest.

17. Take lots of photos

Your spouse will want to see what you are doing when you are gone. Take lots of photos. Then share with your deployed spouse. They will be glad that you did.

18. Give your kids chores

If your kids are old enough, give them chores. Even having your kids help a bit with the dishes and the laundry can take stress off of you. Figure out a good plan for chores for your kids.

19. Make lots of plans with friends

Plan playdates as often as you can. Your kids can play and you can chat with other adults. If you are still looking for friends, get out there and start meeting people. Join a MOPS group or a YMCA playgroup. There should be something going on in your community that you can take your kids to where you can meet other people.

Remember too; solo parenting is a temporary season of your life. While you will have to do it again at some point with a spouse in the military, you won’t always have to do it alone.

What solo parenting hacks have helped you over the years?

5 Tips for a Better Homecoming Day at the End of a Deployment

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5 Tips for a Better Homecoming Day

From the moment your service member leaves for a deployment, you start thinking of homecoming day. You dream about that day, you plan for it. You spend hours looking for the perfect dress, the perfect sign and you want everything to go as smoothly as possible.

I have experienced four military homecomings plus all the random times we reconnected after a time apart. When I flew into Germany I was nothing but exhausted after the long flight with my toddler. Still, seeing my husband again after 4.5 months was everything. This was the first time we had ever been apart and we were finally back together again. I didn’t have a sign, I am not even sure I cared what I was wearing but I was back in his arms and everything felt normal again.

When it comes to homecoming day, it is way too easy to become too stressed out about everything that needs to happen.

Here are 5 tips for a better homecoming day:

1. Remember, the dress is for you- Picking out that perfect outfit for a homecoming outfit can be a lot of fun. You spend a little more money than you normally would, and you get to go shopping with friends and buy something special that you will always remember as your homecoming outfit. However, I don’t think what you wear matters to most of the service members coming home from a deployment. They want to see you. They want to hug you. They want to be home. The dress is for you and if you are too stressed about what to wear, don’t be. Pick a nice outfit and you will be fine.

2. Make a to-do list- Preparing for homecoming is all about having a to-do list. There are things you will probably want to do right before they come home. From having the carpets cleaned to figuring out what your kids will wear. Make a good to-do list and stay on track. This will help with your stress level. Know too that you probably don’t have to do everything on your to-do list but having one will keep you busy and keep you from overstressing in the last few days.

3. The simple things are the important ones- Remember, you just need to know where to go and what time, everything else is just extra. Your service member is excited to be home and to see you and your children again. Try not to stress if one of your rooms isn’t clean or if you couldn’t get the right type of beer for your husband.

4. Times and dates will change often- Times and dates for homecoming can change and you might not know for sure until just a few hours before. I really had no idea that my husband would be in one afternoon until he called me from Canada. Try to go with the flow and remember OPSEC!

5. Homecoming is good but can be hard for some- Homecoming can be one of the best days, but for some, homecoming is a day when the reality of war hits. Coming back from a war zone can bring up a lot of different emotions. Both for you and your service member. You are used to being the only adult in the house, they are used to being around other service members all the time. They have been through things us spouses might not be able to imagine. The reintegration period isn’t easy and knowing that you might need some extra help after homecoming day is important.

The good thing is that there are resources out there to help. Here are a few worth looking into:

Military One Source

Real Warriors

IAVA

Operation Homefront

Reboot Combat Recovery

Are you getting ready for homecoming? What has helped you to stay sane during the last few weeks of the deployment?

The Military is Going to Disappoint You

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The Military is Going to Disappoint You

Making plans as a military spouse feels like gambling. Will we be able to go on that trip? Will we really move to that state next year? What will the next few years look like?

I learned pretty quickly that the military is going to disappoint you. Paperwork takes longer than it should, dates get changed, and you can be left feeling like your thoughts and desires don’t even matter.

Getting used to this isn’t easy and even 16 years in, I still feel that disappointment. I feel it when drill dates get changed last minute. I feel it when we have to cancel trips due to being called up. I feel it when I start to wonder if my husband will be deployed and if so for how long?

There are just so many unknown changes in military life.

I think we try to cling to things that seem so certain, even if they could actually change, even if we know they might do so. We want so badly to have a normal life, plan all the things, and have them actually happen. We want to feel like we have some type of control.

When we hear our spouse might be getting orders to a new duty station in California, we want to plan all the things. We want to figure out where to live and what schools our kids will go to. We want to start a bucket list and plan what we will do for fun. We want to start to apply for jobs and get that moving.

But then, the military changes its mind and we end up in another state or another country and have to start the process all over again. We get frustrated because even if we can come to terms with the moves, coming to terms with the changes associated with them can be more difficult.

The truth is, the military is going to disappoint you and often. And the best thing to do is figure out how to roll with these changes. Because they are going to keep coming.

The military is going to disappoint you because living a military life is a bit of a sacrifice. Your service member signed up to give these years to the government. And doing so means that the mission comes first. Even if it is frustrating or inconvenient for the family.

We joke about always writing our plans in pencil but maybe that is what we have to do to stay sane. We joke about Murphy but maybe we have to plan for that to happen, and a plan for what we should do if it does. We joke about “hurry up and wait” but maybe that is what we always have to have in our heads when it comes to anything military.

As military spouses, we have to work hard to establish ourselves even within the military world. Depending on where you are stationed and what your own dreams might be, this isn’t always easy. We might need to pivot and plan for a last-minute deployment, or other change we didn’t see coming.

As military spouses, we have to figure out ways to handle the disappointment that comes with all of this. Some of us might need to cry it out, that’s okay. There is nothing wrong with feeling sad over a disappointment. But then, we have to figure out how to move through the change, and what we can do to get back on track.

Having some good military spouse friends, either in person, online, or both can be a good way to handle some of what military life brings. Your military spouse friends have been there. And can be there to encourage you. To see the light in the tunnel, and to help you come up with a plan.

Having good systems in place so you are not left all alone and so that you do have a backup plan is important. Who will you call if something breaks in your house? Who will you go to if your childcare falls through? What will you do when you are having a bad day and just need to find a listening ear?

Having a good plan for those what-ifs of military life can go a long way in helping you through periods of time when the military disappoints you. You can plan for everything, and when you do, those plans can change but you can be prepared for what you might need in the future.

You can also try to use caution when it comes to certain things. Don’t plan out a PCS before the orders come. Don’t assume your spouse will be around for something in the future, they might not be. And yes, always use that pencil in your planner. That way you can pivot, change, and get through the disappointments that come with military life.

Struggling With Anxiety When Your Spouse is in the Military

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Struggling With Anxiety When Your Spouse is in the Military

Struggling With Anxiety When Your Spouse Is In The Military

One of the hardest parts of being a Military spouse is when your spouse is away from you. They can be gone for a few weeks, a few months, or even up to a year. In some cases even longer. When you are dealing with that plus dealing with anxiety, life can feel like too much at times.

I never realized how bad my anxiety could get until right before our 4th deployment.

I have always been a bit of a worrier. I worry about silly little things that my husband just can’t understand. I have a hard time with driving. If I haven’t ever been to the place before, if it is too far from home, or if I have to drive somewhere at night, doing so can be a challenge.

I have had to work hard on this because I do have to drive most days. I have to power through. And most days I am able to.

I worry about silly things with my kids. Usually, when my husband is home, I can just ask him what he thinks and then I can calm down and it isn’t a big deal. When he is deployed, I can’t do that so my worry level goes up.

I get anxious about my car when I park somewhere new. I get anxious about locking my front door, did I remember to do it? I get anxious about a lot of little things and all of that can add up.

Right before our 4th deployment, I knew I needed to do something about my anxiety.

I couldn’t see how I could get through the deployment without upping my game a little bit. I had friends to hang out with, kids to keep me busy, and projects to work on but that wasn’t going to be enough this time. It just wasn’t.

I ended up talking to my doctor about what was going on and she suggested medication. I am not against meds altogether but I wasn’t sure if they were right for me. I really went back and forth about taking them. I decided I wanted to see how counseling would work before I tried medication.

So I started going to see someone. Thank goodness Tricare paid for it. Going to counseling was the best thing I could have done. I am not going to say that all my anxiety went away, it didn’t, but talking to someone really helped me, in ways nothing else did.

If I ever get to where I feel the way I did back then, I would go see someone again in a heartbeat.

Anxiety is rough, and for me, a deployment made that anxiety worse.

Studies have found that wives of deployed soldiers are more likely to be diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and other mental health conditions. This was not a big surprise to me. I know I am not the only one that struggles.

Throw in a deployment, or two, or three or, however many you have to go through, and life can get pretty challenging. I think as military spouses we want to be strong but anxiety or depression can drag us down, and make us feel as if everything is just too hard.

The issue with anxiety is so much more than just worrying. We all might worry about our spouses being in a war zone, at least on some level. Anxiety goes much further than that and should be taken more seriously. Anxiety can make you worry about things that other people don’t even think about.

We can’t just pray anxiety away or go out with friends to get rid of those feelings. Anxiety is something we have to work at on a daily basis. Anxiety can ruin your whole day. Anxiety can make life so much more difficult.

So what should you do if you struggle with anxiety and your spouse is in the Military?

You need to take steps to figure out how you are going to get through what you are dealing with. If your spouse is going to make the Military a career, you will have to figure something out. For some that might be moving back home during a deployment, others might need to take medication or start seeing a counselor. Some military spouses might need to do everything in order to get to a better place. Don’t be ashamed and try to seek help if you can.

The Military does have some resources for you too. You can visit the Tricare page to see what your options are. Military One Source is also a great resource for more information.

Remember that you are only human and if you feel like you need extra help, ask for that help. Admitting this can be difficult but important. You will be a better spouse, a better parent, and a better friend if you can get the help you need.

Do you struggle from anxiety? How do you deal with it all when going through something difficult like a deployment?

What You and Your Spouse Need to Talk About Before They Deploy

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What You and Your Spouse Need to Talk About Before They Deploy

What You and Your Spouse Need to Talk About Before They Deploy

There are a lot of preparations that need to happen before a service member deploys. He or she will go through a lot of pre-deployment tasks from packing their bags to paperwork within their units. They will have bags ready to go weeks if not months before they leave.

And as time counts down to the start of a deployment, you are working hard to keep things together and to prepare yourself for their departure. As you do this, there are some things you should probably talk about with your spouse before they go. Some of these are difficult to talk about but they need to be done before they leave.

Here is what you and your spouse need to talk about before they deploy:

What you will do

Talk about what you will do during the deployment. Will you go home for the deployment or stay put? If you do go home, when will you leave and how will you get there? Will you go before they deploy or wait until after the deployment starts? Who will you stay with and how will that change how you budget?

If you are going to stay, what will you do with their car? Will you put the car in storage or plan to drive it every so often? Will you visit home while they are gone? Will you visit anyone else? Talk about all of these things, so you two are on the same page about where you will be when they are deployed.

And whatever you decide to do you need to make sure you notify the Command/FRG with your updated address. They need to know this information before you go.

What You and Your Spouse Need to Talk About Before They Deploy

Their wishes

This is the hardest thing you will have to talk about with your spouse before they go. Is their will updated? What do they want to have happen if something does happen to them? Have you talked about where they want to be buried, what they want to have at the service, and any other wishes they might have about this?

You also should talk about your options, where you might go, what would be best or even that you have no idea what you would want to do. Talking about this type of thing is hard. Most military spouses are only in their 20s and 30s, and this isn’t something that generally comes up until later on in life. But as military spouses, who send our loved ones off to war, we need to have these discussions.

POA expectations

Make sure you get a POA (Power of Attorney) before they go. You will need a general one; you might need a limited power of attorney. If you have plans to buy a car while they are gone, you might need to get a limited/special POA for that. Think about what you might need and discuss all of this together.

Communication

How will you communicate? Will they expect a care package every so often? Will you want a letter once a week? Talk about expectations before they go. While you might not know for sure how often they will be able to talk with you before they get there, talking about what you both expect is important.

Some service members are better at communication while overseas than others. If communication is hard for your spouse, make sure to talk about what both of you can do to make being away from one another easier. This will help with hurt feelings and not knowing why you are not hearing from your spouse as often as your friends are.

What You and Your Spouse Need to Talk About Before They Deploy

Deployment pay

What will you do with the extra deployment pay? Do you know how much it will be? If your spouse is in the National Guard or Reserves, what will the pay compare to what they are making now? Budgeting is always important, and budgeting for a deployment is a must.

If you do get extra money, will you use it to pay down debt, put it into savings, or for something else? What will your “fun budget” be? Will that change now that they are gone? What about your grocery budget? When one adult moves out for a time, that can change a lot.

If your service member gets BAS (Basic Allowance for Subsistence) right now, that could stop if they deploy. This seems to be something that is based on the deployment. Sometimes they pull the BAS, other times they don’t. Make sure to keep that in mind as you are making up your deployment budget.

Talking about what you will be doing with your money while they are deployed will allow you two to be on the same page. This will help down the line as both of you will know what you can spend and when you could be overspending. If you have the same financial goals, you will be more likely to achieve them.

While there is no way to prepare for a deployment 100%, make sure that you do have these discussions so that you can start off the deployment on the same page.

What do you and your spouse make sure to discuss before they deploy?