Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Deployment

6 Tips for Solo Parenting With Anxiety

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I hate solo parenting. I hate being the only parent in the house. I love having my husband there. Yes, I love having someone else that can help with the kids, but I also like having that other person to bounce ideas off of or to work through problems with. When he is gone, solo parenting gets to me. My anxiety goes up, and that makes solo parenting even harder than it could be.

Over the years, I have found ways to make this part of military life easier for myself. I have figured out ways to cope, to make myself get through whatever issue I am having, and to help remind myself that I can do this, even if my other half is on the opposite side of the world.

Over the years I have learned that I am not the only military spouse that deals with anxiety. That I am not the only one that struggles with this. That, through conversations with military spouses over the years and my own experiences, I have learned how to handle solo parenting and how to get through a deployment when my anxiety wants to take over.

Although solo parenting with anxiety makes thing even more difficult, there are ways to get through. This is what has worked for me:

Lots of lists

I try to make lists of everything I have to do. For work. For the home. For my kids. I have a planner I check all the time. If it isn’t written down, I might forget so I make sure to do that as soon as I can.

Writing everything down is a visual way for me to stay organized and manage everything I have to do. Sometimes things can get quite crazy around here, and I need those lists to stay grounded. And that helps with my anxiety levels.

Solo Parenting With Anxiety

Make a plan for getting out of the house

When I first had my 2nd son, I was overwhelmed with the thought of us all leaving the house. I had a two-year-old, a newborn and a deployed husband. So I broke everything down.

The first step, gathering everything I needed to bring with me. The second step, make sure baby was ready. Third, make sure I was ready. Fourth, make sure 2-year-old was ready. Fifth, recheck baby because you know there could always be a dirty diaper to change right before you need to leave. When I broke things down like that, it made leaving the house a lot easier.

These days, my boys are older and can do most of getting ready to leave the house themselves. But in my head, I still kinda go through a checklist before we go anywhere. Doing this is good for my anxiety levels and ensures that I rarely forget things, although that can still happen every once in a while.

Google it

When my husband is gone, I don’t have him to bring up the little things with. So Google steps in. If I am worried about something that might not be that big of a deal, I Google it. I see if anyone else has had that worry. I check to see if it could be something else.

Now, you can’t trust everything you read on the internet; I know this well. However, it can be a starting point for figuring out what is going on. I know I can also send an email or call my children’s doctor for more serious health-related questions.

Ask a friend

Sometimes asking a good friend about your worries is a good idea too. You never know if they might be struggling with what you are struggling with too. Acting like we have it all together is way too easy to do, I am guilty of that. I know when I am more open with good friends about struggles, we can talk them out and help one another.

I might be struggling with a child at school, a friend might be struggling with potty training, but we can offer our advice and help one another out. While when my husband is home, this is easier to do with him, I know I can depend on good friends to work through these problems too. If we have that type of relationship when he is gone, it can carry over even after my husband comes back. That can make for stronger more longtime friendships.

Solo Parenting With Anxiety

Respite and breaks

When my boys were young, in the midsts of deployments, having respite and breaks was a lifesaver. Maybe that was dropping them off at hourly for a couple of hours a few times a week, maybe it was going to MOPS on a regular basis, or maybe it was simply trading babysitting with a friend, so I could get my grocery shopping done.

There are quite a few ways to find childcare in the military community. They might not all work for you or your situation, but they are worth checking out. Having a small break can energize you and allow you to work on your parenting goals even if your spouse is far away.

Involving my husband

Just because your spouse is deployed, it doesn’t mean they can’t have any say in what is going on at home. You know your spouse and what they can handle. See if you can talk with them about what is going on at home.

The trouble sometimes is that since your spouse is not currently living in your home, they can’t see the whole picture. This means that the advice they give might not work for you. That’s okay, but talking about your struggle with them can help them feel connected back home and offer you something to think about.

I never look forward to solo parenting. I know that my anxiety levels will be higher than when he is home. However, I want to do what I can to make the best of solo parenting with anxiety, to find solutions to the little issues I am dealing with, and to have a better experience than I have had in the past.

What are your best tips for solo parenting when your spouse is away? What works for you and your family?

When You Don’t Feel Strong Enough For Military Life

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I couldn’t believe he was gone. I couldn’t believe this deployment had started. I couldn’t believe I had to go through this again.

I certainly didn’t feel strong enough for this. I didn’t feel strong enough for the deployment. I didn’t feel strong enough for military life.

And yet, somehow, the days went by. Somehow I made it through that deployment. Somehow I was strong enough to do just that.

Through that deployment, and other past deployments, I realized something powerful.

Not feeling strong enough to get through something doesn’t mean I am not strong enough to do so.

Often times, us military spouses feel like if we are not 100% prepared for any possible situation, if we can’t get through everything military life brings with a smile on our face, if we can’t do a thing without a couple of meltdowns, we are not a good military spouse.

This isn’t true at all!

The truth is, you are not always going to feel as strong as you want to. I certainly don’t. Some days I might feel like I have military life down, and other days? Not so much.

So, if you are not feeling strong enough for military life, you are not alone, and there is nothing wrong with you.

Sometimes military life makes it hard to feel strong.

But what can you do about this? How can you find your inner strength? How can you get to a place where you feel like you can handle what military life is currently throwing at you?

Depend on your friends

I am not sure what I would have done over the years without my friends. They truly got me through, each and every deployment. From helping me stay busy, to being a shoulder to cry on. Depend on your friends, they can help you up when you are feeling down.

Don’t compare

This one is hard for me. When it feels like your husband is always the one who has to go, being happy for others can be more difficult. When it seems like your kids are the ones who have to go without their dad around, life can feel pretty unfair.

The best thing to do is to stop comparing yourself to other spouses, both civilian and military. Some service members deploy more than others. Some civilian spouses will never have to spend more than a weekend away from their spouse. And that is so hard to take.

But we can’t compare and dwell on how unfair everything is. We have to pull ourselves out of that. And if we can do that, we will be able to get to a better place and we won’t struggle with jealousy quite as much.

This too shall pass

If you need to tell yourself, “this too shall pass,” 50 times a day, do it. Reminding yourself that this deployment is a temporary situation is going to go a long way. I can’t tell you how many times I would feel like I was in stuck in a deployment funk, but simply reminding myself that the deployment was temporary helped me feel so much better.

When we are going through a difficult time, feeling like this is how life will always be is way too easy to do, but that isn’t the case. Look at how far you have come, and know you can be strong through the rest of the deployment too.

If you need extra help

If you are going through a deployment and you struggle with anxiety (which I do) or depression, please don’t be afraid to ask for extra help. Your mental health is so important and working on that during a deployment is a must.

What Military Spouses Signed Up For

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We have all heard people say it, in the middle of our deployments, “you knew what you signed up for when you became a military spouse.“

Only…we didn’t. Whether we married someone already serving or made that decision together, there is no way any of us could have known how difficult military life could be. No road map tells you exactly how you will feel when your spouse of 10 years has to leave for a year. We simply get through these difficult situations the best way that we can.

But as military spouses, there are some things we signed up for…

That we will support our spouses

We might not know how supporting our spouse will look like over the years, but we committed to doing so. That is what spouses should do for one another, military or not. Being there for one another, no matter the circumstance.

Whether that is standing by during a deployment or helping them through training. Whether it is being faithful during time apart or working hard to make sure they get any help they might need after a deployment.

That we will love on our children

No matter what happens, we military spouses are committed to helping our children through whatever it is they are going to have to go through. We might not always know the best way to help them, but we will figure out how to do so. We will fill the role of both mom and dad, doing what we can when our service member is away.

That we will be a part of the community

The military community is a good one. There are a lot of supportive people that we can connect with. Whether it is through your FRG or MOPS community, befriending others in your neighborhood, or finding a good friend in an online group. Although sometimes finding your tribe isn’t easy, know that there are plenty of good military spouses out there to befriend and get to know.

That we love our country

At the end of the day, we love our country. We see the reason why our spouse has to serve, why someone has to serve, why we need to have a strong military. Whether we have an R or a D behind our name or are not even sure where we belong, we love our country and our military and want the best for it.

Not only for the sake of our own spouses and families but for all the other men and women who are serving. We know that this life means sacrifice, even when that is hard. We know that we will have to give things up, even if we don’t want to. We know it is all for a bigger purpose.

That we can be patient

We might be heartbroken when our spouse’s deployment gets extended, we might vent about where we have to PCS to next, we might hate the fact that we can’t ever rely on our spouse to help us put the kids to bed but overall, military spouses are patient.

We have to be. We are always waiting and waiting, even when it seems like we should already have what we are waiting for. We wait for paperwork to get done, we wait for a deployment to end, and we wait for orders to get cut. We know waiting is part of the deal, and we do the best we can, even if the waiting drives us nuts.

While we don’t know what we signed up for with aspects of military life, we know what we can bring to the table. We know that we can support our spouses, that we can love on our children, that we can be a part of the military community, that we love our country, and that we can be patient.

None of these things are easy, but they are in our heart as we strive to make our way through this crazy military life.

What is the most difficult part of military life for you?

To the Military Spouse Who Feels Very Much Alone

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There have been times during my years as a military spouse where I have been surrounded by other people. Even when my husband was far away, in another country, I still had people who understood me. Although I was lonely for my husband, I wasn’t alone.

Having the benefit of military spouse friends can help you through even the most difficult of deployments. But not everyone has them, and sometimes you can feel very much alone, even within a sea of people.

Some spouses have barely moved into their new home after a PCS before their service member has to leave for an extended time. Some spouses have just experienced PCS season where dear friends have moved far away, and they are left wondering when they will meet someone new.

Some spouses have tried to find their people but feel that there is no one else in this community like them.

They want to find the friends others have talked about but it is proving to be difficult. There are many reasons why a military spouse can feel alone and adding a deployment on top of that can be quite frustrating.

So, to the military spouse who feels very much alone, I hear you.

Life isn’t easy right now. It’s frustrating and seems like it will last forever. That nothing will change. But I will tell you that simply isn’t true.

To the Military Spouse Who Feels Very Much Alone

Military spouse, days will go by, and you will find that you can make it through them.

You will eventually meet someone you click with. You will find your people.

Your spouse, who is too many miles away, will come home. They will be there on a daily basis once again, and you will be able to enjoy one another.

Military spouse, these might be your hardest of days, but you will find a way through. We always do. 

We can find fun activities for us and our kids to do. We can take up a new hobby or work on our home. We can find a new career or go to school to start the process of beginning one.

Military spouse, the days might be long, but you will endure. You will find people who understand, even if they are online. You will smile at a neighbor, you will laugh at your friend’s child, and everything will seem like it is going to be okay.

To the Military Spouse Who Feels Very Much Alone

You will have nights where you cry yourself to sleep. Know, that you are not alone in this.

Even the most together military spouse has moments when she feels the deployment ache and wants her spouse back at her side.

Life is filled with up and downs; military life is no different. There will be seasons of deployment, seasons of pcsing, and seasons where they are home with you and everything feels a bit more normal than it has been.

Military spouse, if you are feeling very much alone, see what you can do to break out of this feeling.

It could be that you need to call a friend or a family member. Maybe you need to join that group you have seen advertised down the road. You could go out and volunteer or apply for that job that looks interesting.

I think there is always something you can do to make life a little easier for yourself. Although at times this can seem too difficult, putting yourself out there is a must.

To the Military Spouse Who Feels Very Much Alone

Doing so is the best way to move past the loneliness and discover that you can truly live your life, even if your husband is not home with you.

So whether you feel alone because your spouse just deployed, because you just moved somewhere new and didn’t know a soul, or are in a season where things don’t seem too great, know that life will change, things will get better, and you won’t always feel this way.

And remember, if you need to seek more professional help, do so. There is no shame in it. Counselors can help with anxiety, depression, or anything else you could be dealing with. And they can truly be the way to get through this season of your life.

What do you do when you are feeling alone?

7 Creative Ways to Speed Up a Military Deployment

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7 Creative Ways to Speed Up a Military Deployment

There comes a time during everyone’s deployment when time stands still. You could be coming off a few good weeks, and then boom, time stops. It feels like they have been gone forever, and yet you still have so much more time to go. What is a military spouse to do? Here are 7 creative ways to speed up a military deployment, help move things forward, and enjoy life even when your spouse is away.

Volunteer for something fun!

Volunteering can be good for the soul, and being able to help out an organization, or people in your community is a good thing. Find something you would love to help out with. Look for opportunities in your local civilian and military communities. VolunteerMatch is a great website for finding places in your community that need volunteers.

Plan a trip with a friend

Do you have someone you would want to travel with? Do it! Plan a trip with a friend. I did this during our 2nd deployment and it was so much fun. We both had young kids and were able to help each other out while making memories together with one another and our kids. A trip always breaks up a deployment. You don’t even have to go too far. Pick somewhere in your state and get to planning.

Plan a party

Did the deployment hit the 50-day mark? The 100-day mark? Plan a party! Plan a Bunco night! Find something you love to do and invite people to join you. Don’t want to have a party in your house? Check on your local community center to see if you can rent the space or invite people out to your favorite restaurant. Parties are fun and fun makes the time pass a bit quicker!

Find a new job

Maybe you have been at the same job for a while, maybe it is time to move on. Switch things up and put some applications out there. There are organizations like Hire Heroes USA and Military OneSource that can help you on your employment journey.

Write about your experiences

Why not write about your experiences as a military spouse and what it is like going through a deployment? You can start a social media account to share your thoughts, start a blog, or even write a book. We all have a story to tell, and by sharing ours, we can help other military spouses along the way.

Refresh your house

Deployments are the perfect time to refresh your house. Plan a house project. This can be anything from repairing a room or buying some new art to put on the walls or remodeling a bigger space. Don’t forget to use your Lowe’s and Home Depot military discounts when buying supplies for your home projects.

Read a really long book you can’t put down

Find a good, long book, and dive in. Or better yet, find a good, long book series. You will get hooked and not want to put the book down. Reading can be such a great way to get through a deployment.

While there is no real way to fast forward through the months of deployment, there are things you can do to speed up a military deployment. Stay busy, find new friends, and get creative. Not only will doing so help during the deployment but it is good for your soul and will allow you to live a more balanced life.

Saying That Goodbye, As they Head Off to War

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It’s time to say goodbye.

I don’t want to. I really don’t want to.

I want him to stay here forever. Stay with me forever. But that’s not how military life works.

It’s time to say goodbye and I need to be strong. For him. For my kids.

We drive up to the gate. That horrible gate. The one he will walk through after we say our goodbyes.

My tears start to flow, but still, I try to hold them back. He hugs me as he gets out of the car. This is it. This is really happening.

I have been here before. I have done this before. This isn’t new.

And yet, it feels new. It feels just like it did the first time he had to go so many years ago.

He grabs his bag, I grab my boys. We don’t want to draw this out.

He puts his bag where it needs to go and comes back to us. We can stay. We can wait until it is time for him to go. But we decide not to.

We say goodbye then. Knowing the extra hour or two might just drag this out. We say goodbye and then we let go.

I give him that last hug and that last kiss and that last goodbye. He hugs and kisses the boys. And kisses me one last time.

And I tell him what I always tell him, “come back to me,” and he says what he always says, “I will, I always will.”

And so I grab the boys and we get in the car. We have said goodbye. We have kissed and hugged that one last time.

And I leave him there, this man I love so much. The one I married and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Unsure about what the next few months would bring.

As I get the boys in the car, I tell them that we got this and we are going to have an adventure when their dad is gone.

That we will make this time apart fun for them and that the days might be hard at times, we will get through it. I am not sure if they totally understand what I am saying. They are so young but I tell them it will all be okay because I feel like they need to hear it. I feel like I need to say it.

And so we head back home, me trying to keep it together. It’s day 1. The first day of deployment.

It’s day one and the countdown can begin. It’s day one and I know the day will be hard.

And as time moves on, as it always does, I look back on that day and how hard it was to say goodbye.

Saying goodbye to the man I love, as he heads off to war. Saying goodbye as he heads off to a dangerous place. Saying goodbye as we start this next deployment.

And even through the goodbyes are so hard, time passes and we get through the deployment. Homecoming comes, and we see him again. A little stronger than we were before.

We know there could be more deployments in the future, we know that we will have to say goodbye again. But as military spouses, we know we can get through what military life brings us, one day at a time.

19 Solo Parenting Hacks to Use the Next Time Your Spouse Deploys

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19 Solo Parenting Hacks to Use the Next Time Your Spouse Deploys

19 Solo Parenting Hacks to Use the Next Time Your Spouse Deploys

Solo parenting is the pits. Being the only adult in charge can be challenging. Luckily, there are ways to make solo parenting a little bit easier. Here are some solo parenting hacks to use the next time your spouse deploys, or even just goes away for any amount of time.

1. Meal prep

Planning out your meals is always a good idea. Then, when dinnertime comes around, you won’t be struggling with what to make. This will also save you money each week too.

2. Use your village

If you have your people, use them when you need to. Find friends you can depend on and be there for them too. Working together with others will help you during this period of your life.

3. Get ready the night before

If you have a busy morning, get ready the night before. This means packing lunches, laying out clothes, and anything you would normally have to do in the morning. That way, once you get up, you know what you need to do to get out of the house on time.

4. Follow a schedule

Even if you don’t normally stick to a strict schedule, having some kind of daily routine can be a good idea. It helps keep things movings and will help your kids know what is going on.

5. Stay consistent in your discipline

This is the hardest things to do. When you have to fill the roles of both mom and dad, burnout can happen quickly. Try hard to be consistent in your discipline as much as you can.

6. Use online grocery shopping

Order online. Go pick up. Save yourself the task of taking all your kids into the grocery store once a week.

19 Solo Parenting Hacks to Use the Next Time Your Spouse Deploys

7. Trade babysitting with a friend

If you don’t have the extra money to hire a babysitter, or just don’t feel comfortable with doing so, trade babysitting with a friend. This can help both of you out, and you can get things done without having to take your kids with you everywhere.

8. Put kids to bed early

Put your kids to bed early. This will give you more time for yourself and makes the evening hours go by a lot faster. You can do dinner, get them ready for bed, and then have at least an hour or two to clean up or relax.

9. Use paper products sometimes

Sometimes it is okay to take a break from all the dishes and use paper plates. This doesn’t mean you will do this forever, just to get a bit of a break. If the dishes are driving you nuts, use this tip to scale back on what you have to do.

10. Sleep where people need to sleep

If your kids sleep better with you, and you don’t mind, let them sleep there. Fighting sleep during a deployment is the worst. The truth is, when your spouse gets back, you can work on better sleeping arrangements if need be. You and your kids need your rest.

11. Make easy foods

You don’t have to make a big meal every day. Find easy meals to make for you and your kids. Sandwiches and cereal nights can help on busier days. Figure out what meals your kids love and rotate through those instead of always trying to come up with something new.

 

12. Do something fun every day

Plan to do something fun every day. You could just go to the park, the library, or a visit to Chick-Fil-A for their indoor playground. Getting out and doing something everyday will break up the boredom and make the days go by a lot faster.

13. Invite family to come visit and offer a lending hand

If you are close with your family, invite them to stay with you. They can offer a helping hand. They can also see where you live and explore your current city.

19 Solo Parenting Hacks to Use the Next Time Your Spouse Deploys

14. Don’t sweat the small stuff

Deployments mean a lot of stress. Try not to sweat the small stuff. Especially when it comes to the kids.

15. Plan for me time

Make sure to plan for “me” time. See if you your kids can go to CYS, stay with a friend, or even a family member. Take bubble baths, read books, and don’t forget about yourself.

16. Don’t beat yourself up

Don’t beat yourself up for what you can’t seem to do this deployment. If you start to feel guilty about what you can’t do, you will become overwhelmed with everything. Figure out what is most important and try not to stress about the rest.

17. Take lots of photos

Your spouse will want to see what you are doing when you are gone. Take lots of photos. Then share with your deployed spouse. They will be glad that you did.

18. Give your kids chores

If your kids are old enough, give them chores. Even having your kids help a bit with the dishes and the laundry can take stress off of you. Figure out a good plan for chores for your kids.

19. Make lots of plans with friends

Plan playdates as often as you can. Your kids can play and you can chat with other adults. If you are still looking for friends, get out there and start meeting people. Join a MOPS group or a YMCA playgroup. There should be something going on in your community that you can take your kids to where you can meet other people.

Remember too; solo parenting is a temporary season of your life. While you will have to do it again at some point with a spouse in the military, you won’t always have to do it alone.

What solo parenting hacks have helped you over the years?

5 Tips for a Better Homecoming Day at the End of a Deployment

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5 Tips for a Better Homecoming Day

From the moment your service member leaves for a deployment, you start thinking of homecoming day. You dream about that day, you plan for it. You spend hours looking for the perfect dress, the perfect sign and you want everything to go as smoothly as possible.

I have experienced four military homecomings plus all the random times we reconnected after a time apart. When I flew into Germany I was nothing but exhausted after the long flight with my toddler. Still, seeing my husband again after 4.5 months was everything. This was the first time we had ever been apart and we were finally back together again. I didn’t have a sign, I am not even sure I cared what I was wearing but I was back in his arms and everything felt normal again.

When it comes to homecoming day, it is way too easy to become too stressed out about everything that needs to happen.

Here are 5 tips for a better homecoming day:

1. Remember, the dress is for you- Picking out that perfect outfit for a homecoming outfit can be a lot of fun. You spend a little more money than you normally would, and you get to go shopping with friends and buy something special that you will always remember as your homecoming outfit. However, I don’t think what you wear matters to most of the service members coming home from a deployment. They want to see you. They want to hug you. They want to be home. The dress is for you and if you are too stressed about what to wear, don’t be. Pick a nice outfit and you will be fine.

2. Make a to-do list- Preparing for homecoming is all about having a to-do list. There are things you will probably want to do right before they come home. From having the carpets cleaned to figuring out what your kids will wear. Make a good to-do list and stay on track. This will help with your stress level. Know too that you probably don’t have to do everything on your to-do list but having one will keep you busy and keep you from overstressing in the last few days.

3. The simple things are the important ones- Remember, you just need to know where to go and what time, everything else is just extra. Your service member is excited to be home and to see you and your children again. Try not to stress if one of your rooms isn’t clean or if you couldn’t get the right type of beer for your husband.

4. Times and dates will change often- Times and dates for homecoming can change and you might not know for sure until just a few hours before. I really had no idea that my husband would be in one afternoon until he called me from Canada. Try to go with the flow and remember OPSEC!

5. Homecoming is good but can be hard for some- Homecoming can be one of the best days, but for some, homecoming is a day when the reality of war hits. Coming back from a war zone can bring up a lot of different emotions. Both for you and your service member. You are used to being the only adult in the house, they are used to being around other service members all the time. They have been through things us spouses might not be able to imagine. The reintegration period isn’t easy and knowing that you might need some extra help after homecoming day is important.

The good thing is that there are resources out there to help. Here are a few worth looking into:

Military One Source

Real Warriors

IAVA

Operation Homefront

Reboot Combat Recovery

Are you getting ready for homecoming? What has helped you to stay sane during the last few weeks of the deployment?