Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

military marriage

10 Tips For A Better Military Marriage

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10 Tips For A Better Military Marriage

Marriage can be hard, especially when your spouse is never home. I have been there. Military life is difficult and you need all the help you can get to help figure out the best tips for a better Military marriage.

Here are 10 tips I have to share about how to have a better Military marriage.

My husband has been in the Military in some form for the last ten years. We have three children, he has been deployed four times, we have moved about six times and have lived in five different cities.

Being in a Military marriage can add an extra level of stress to a marriage. Not all Military marriages make it through, but a lot of them do. There are a lot of great love stories between someone in the Military and their spouse. Military marriage is never perfect, what marriage is? But they do take a lot of work.

Here are some tips for a better Military marriage…

  • Be there for each other- This is the #1 thing you can do. Just be there. Over the course of your marriage, each of you will need each other in different ways. Checking in with one another is a great way to learn what is going on with your spouse and figuring out what they need from you at the moment.
  • Don’t assume anything- Assuming will get you into trouble. If you are not sure about something, just ask. This is your spouse, you should feel comfortable doing so. This is why communicating is so important. I think a lot of our struggles over the years have come from assuming different things about each other. The more we talk about how we are feeling about what is going on in our lives, the better we can move forward.
  • Don’t get jealous- This is hard, especially if your spouse is gone a lot. Other people get to be in the same place as your spouse and you don’t get to be. Try not to let it bother you. Talk things out if something doesn’t seem right. Remember, they are married to you and that is who they will be coming home to as soon as it is possible to do so.
  • Put yourself in their shoes- This is always a good thing to do. You never know what someone is going through or if you would act the same way if you were in their shoes. When your husband is deployed, try to imagine what it would be like to be him. To have to leave home for so long, trusting you with his home, his children and even his finances. It is a strange thing to think about sometimes.
  • Remember to trust– I really believe that in order to get through a deployment you need to have a lot of trust. I see it as this invisible thread that connects you. You just have to trust your spouse even when they are across the world. Without that trust, everything falls apart.
  • Talk things out- If you are angry with your spouse, talk it out. Stay up all night if you have to. I am not going to tell you to never go to bed angry because sometimes that happens, especially if you are only talking on a phone and someone has to go. Sometimes sleeping on an issue is a good idea. It just depends on the situation.
  • Hold hands- Keep holding hands, kiss often, give each other hugs. Doing this will bring your closer and remind you of when you first met. It’s a simple way to show your spouse you are still in it with them.
  • Date- Regular dates with your spouse are a great idea but they are not always possible. Sometimes they are just gone too much or working all the time. Other times you have small children and finding a babysitter feels impossible. Do what you can to date your spouse. Make a lunch date while kids are in school, plan a nice dinner after the kids go to bed, go on a walk with your baby in a stroller. Think about the different ways you can have a date even if it isn’t on a regular basis.
  • Tell them you love them- Don’t ever stop telling your spouse that you love them. Say it before you hang up the phone and before you go to bed each night. Write them a love letter. Speak their love language so they always know that you care.
  • Be silly with each other- Laugh, flirt, be silly when you can. There is something about laughing together with my husband after all these years that I just love.

When you are married to someone in the Military, it might be a bit harder to stay connected when they are away but that doesn’t mean your marriage will fall apart. If both of you can work on your marriage, if you can trust each other, you can get through anything Military life throws at you.

What would you add to this list for a better Military marriage?

13 Marriage Tips for 13 Years of Marriage

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13 marriage Tips for 13 Years of Marriage

August 3, 2002 was the day I married my husband. My marriage is about to become a teenager. In some ways the last 13 years have gone by so quickly. In other ways it seems like a different world. It was before I became a Military wife and when I said I do I didn’t know that would be in my future. The Army was in his past and I thought that was all it would ever be for us.

I know there are a lot of marriage advice posts out there but I wanted to add my own based on 13 years of being married to my husband. I was only 23 when I married him and I am 36 now. We have been through a lot of different situations over the years. Having 3 boys, buying a house, 4 deployments, job changes, getting a dog, moving away from California, living in Germany and now trying to figure out are after active duty Army future.

13 Marriage Tips for 13 Years of Marriage

1. Remember that you are in it together. This is so important during the more stressful parts of your life. Remember you chose each other and you are in thismarriage together.

2. Have your own likes and dislikes. My husband and I have a lot of different likes and dislikes. In some ways we are quite opposite from one another. I think it is good to have your own interests. It is also good to have some things in common as well.

3. Spend time apart. I feel we spent too much time apart, but being without each other sometimes can be a good thing. I have learned more about myself since I have had to be without him at times.

4. Spend time together. Busy lives can make this hard but it is so important. Figure out when you can spend some quality time together and make it a regular thing. This can be a weekly, monthly or even quarterly date.

5. Sometimes the kids will need you more. I know there is advice about not putting your kids first but I see it differently. I don’t think it is about putting them first, at least not for me. It is about remembering that sometimes your kids do need you more than your husband does but that he can’t be ignored either. It can be hard in the early years to balance everything and maybe I see it differently since so much of that baby time was spent with a deployed husband. I didn’t have to work hard to focus on my husband because he wasn’t there.

6. Be honest with each other. If something is upsetting you, let them know. You don’t want to be the type to complain about every little thing but sometimes your spouse doesn’t understand why you could be upset about something and it could be helpful to talk about it.

7. Listen to one another. If your spouse brings up something important, listen to them. You don’t want to just go through life ignoring each other.

8. Invisible trust. We have had to have this during deployments. He has to be able to trust me when he is gone so he can focus on his work. Trust that I will be faithful, that I won’t waste all our money on things we don’t need and that I will be there for him. I also have to trust him in return. I see it as an invisible line connecting us that we just have to believe is there.

9. Keep learning about each other. My husband is almost 40 and he was 25 when I met him. A lot has changed and I still am learning about him. It is good to keep asking those questions and to learn more about your spouse.

10. Don’t let the bad stuff take over. Deployments, moves, money issues, problems with children, etc, all of these can really make life hard for you and your spouse. Don’t let it take over your lives. Remember you are walking through it together.

11. Enjoy those quiet nights. You don’t have to leave the house to have moments together. One of the things we like to do after the kids go to bed is find an interesting movie on Netflix and watch it together. It is something so simple but it bonds us and we don’t have to spend any extra money to do it.

12. Take photos of each other. When we were dating I was always having us take pictures together. Over the years I have tried to keep that up and I so enjoy looking back at them. Even if it feels like we are in a boring or uninteresting part of our lives, it is still nice to have so many couple photos of us.

13. Love each other. I know this one seems obvious but it is the most important. Treat each other like you love each other. Tell each other often that you do. Hold hands and always be there for one another.

How long have you been married?

What Does It Take To Make It As A Military Spouse?

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“I could never do what you do”

“I couldn’t be a Military wife”

“I don’t know how you guys do it being without your husband for that long.”

What Does It Take To Make It As A Military Spouse?

 

We have all heard people say these things to us. I used to think that anyone could be a Military spouse. All they would have to do is love their spouse enough to stick by him or her.

But now, I am not so sure.

What about the spouses that walk away?

What about the service members that voluntarily leave the Military because deployments became too much?

What about the spouse that suffers from anxiety or depression and thinks the idea of one more separation is too much?

And when we talk about Military spouses, we are talking about people who stood by their husband or wife for a couple of years and those that stood by for 20+. Some people serve longer than others. When it is time to leave the Military, you can have a feeling of just being done. You can’t seem to imagine going through another deployment. I know I can’t. I feel like I have hit my limit.

However, what if my husband didn’t want to leave the Army? What if he wanted to stay and do 20-30 years? What if this was his life long dream? Would that make a difference? I think for me it would.

I think if my husband wanted to stay in it would be a little easier to handle more deployments. If he had a clear plan. If this is what he wanted.

So what does it take to make it as a Military Spouse? We all come from different places, with different personalities and different ways of seeing the world. What do we all have in common that allows us to do what we need to do to support our spouse?

I think in the end it is about commitment. Commitment to your spouse, to his or her work, to the life you must live when you decided to marry them. Commitment to the two of you and whatever path you are going to walk together. Commitment to the family you have created and the life that you are living together.

If you have commitment to each other, you can get through most of what life throws at you. And that is what it takes to make it in this Military life.

 

 

Dear Julie On Her Wedding Day

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Dear Julie On Her Wedding Day

 

Our 11th anniversary was on the 3rd. I usually like to blog about marriage that week. I am a little behind but will be blogging a little bit about marriage the next few days.

I was 23 when I got married and I am 34 now. He was 26 and now he is almost 38. We have defiantly been together a while…although not as long as some.

I have learned a lot  over the years and if I were to write a letter to my self on my wedding day, this is what it would say…:)

Dear Julie,

It is almost time for you to get married and I have somethings I want to say to you.

First of all, don’t rush anything. Don’t rush your wedding day, your honeymoon or the years before children come. Embrace them. Embrace the time you have together before starting a family. Children will come and with them your life with change. It isn’t as though things will be bad. You will have good experiences and difficult ones once the kids come along. But they will change everything. So embrace that time with your new husband. Have fun together, go on trips, enjoy life.

Secondly, know hard times will come. They will come and it will make you feel like your heart is breaking. You two will have to be apart for a time but try not to worry about it right now. When the time comes remember your love for each other and what you guys have. You will make it through those years as hard as they might be. They will make you a stronger couple. Just remember the good times and look ahead to future times when you are missing each other so much.

Julie, your life with Ben is going to be very different than you think it will be and that is okay. Not very many people have the exact life they planned for themselves when they were younger. There will be curveballs and things you won’t expect. There will be very good and exciting times and very sad and frustrating times. Just know that you are marrying the right man and he will be with you through everything. Every step of the way he will be there and you will walk through all the challenges together.

Have a wonderful wedding day,

Love Julie from the future.

What would you say to yourself on your wedding day?

When He is Away, I Miss His Jokes

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When he is away…

Army Couple

I miss his jokes.

I miss seeing him make coffee.

I miss being able to talk to him about all the silly stuff.

I miss watching movies together after the boys go to bed.

I miss him laughing at the silly stuff our boys say.

I miss the joy I feel when I come home and see he is home from work early…especially on a Friday afternoon.

I miss hogging all the covers.

I miss being able to run to Target for an hour all by myself on a Sunday afternoon.

I miss driving through a Starbucks and getting coffee together.

I miss hearing the garage door open knowing that means he must be home.

I miss asking him what he wants for dinner.

I miss going to church all together.

I miss watching the kids play together.

Whenever he is gone there is just a part of me that is never 100% okay with it, even if each day doesn’t seem too bad. Sometimes it is the little things, the everyday things that I miss the most. The memories I get from a coffee cup or a pair of shoes. It’s the daily chit-chat that seems the hardest to do without.

This time he won’t be gone too long and I have more than enough to keep me busy but it reminds me that a deployment is coming. It reminds me that before too long I will have to get used to this for months and months. That I will have to get back into deployment mode and that makes me sad. That I will not only miss all this stuff but he will also be in a dangerous place. That he won’t just be in a different state, that he will be on the other side of the world from us.

I try not to think about that. The deployment hasn’t started yet but the pre-deployment period has started and I need to accept it. I need to prepare myself for the rest of this year.

I tell myself that 9 months isn’t too long. It seems like we just got back from our California trip and that was 6 months ago. But still, it is knowing how much I will miss that makes me sad.

On the other hand, knowing that being apart will make us stronger is comforting. Knowing that at the end of it all we will have another wonderful homecoming is a nice thought. Knowing that we have been through much worse makes me feel better.

But how does one really prepare for such a long time without the person they love the most? How do you get used to the idea that you have to say goodbye?  A lot of people say that deployments don’t get any easier, and they don’t. They are all different and we are at different stages when we go through them.

I just hope and pray that this deployment isn’t too horrible. That it goes by quickly and that before we know it, he will be home with us again. Standing on this side of the deployment isn’t very fun but time moves on and no deployment lasts forever.

Are you in a pre-deployment season too?