Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

military marriage

Secrets to a Happy Military Marriage, in GIFs

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Secrets to a Happy Military Marriage, in GIFs

Being in a military marriage can be pretty unique, depending on your situation. Moving every few years, saying goodbye for months at a time, and living in a military community has its ups and downs.

What is the secret to a happy military marriage?

Well, here you go…in GIFS!

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Even though they can’t seem to ever put their clothes IN the laundry basket.

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Be forgiving. Even if they have to go away for training during your kid’s spring break, for the third year in a row. Remember, the military is making them do this.

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Have a regular date night. Even if that means having a special dinner after the kids go to bed because you just finished a PCS and don’t know a single person to watch your kids.

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Write love letters. Just don’t forget to actually put them in the mail and send them. Sure, they can read them when they get home, or four years later when you are cleaning out your desk.

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Remember, both of your careers matter. Even if the military makes it hard to follow yours. Through five different states in eight years. Can I transfer my license here?

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Listen to each other, even if the connection isn’t the best and you can only talk for 5 minutes at a time during a deployment.

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Remember, deployments don’t last forever, even if it seems like they have been gone for 43 years.

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Don’t compare your relationship to the highlights of other relationships. You never know what is really going on behind an Instagram filter.

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Seek extra outside help if you need it. I know TRICARE can be a pain sometimes, but they do cover counseling to help you and your spouse out.

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Be honest. About what you are dealing with, about your career path, and about how you feel when they hog the bathroom. Oh wait, would you consider that “small stuff?”

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Talk to one another about your finances. You have to get on the same page about how to spend your money, and you need to let them know that the Walt Disney World military discount is an amazing one!

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Learn your spouse’s personality. This is something that can take some time to figure out. The longer you are married, the easier it will be to figure it out. And if you are stuck, you can always take a Buzzfeed quiz about them.

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Help one another out. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. For example, you hate to cook, they love the kitchen. You are handy with tools, they would rather hire someone to fix whatever is broken. You love finding a new place to live after a PCS, they got sick of that years ago.

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Keep your promises. For example, if you say you will wait for them to watch the next season of Blue Bloods, wait for them. If you don’t, they will know. They always know.

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How To Stay Married When The Military Is In Charge

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How To Stay Married When The Military Is In Charge

On Saturday, my husband and I will celebrate 17 years of marriage. Our marriage is now old enough to see rated R movies without a parent 😉 Sometimes it feels like those 17 years flew by, and other times I feel as though my wedding day was a lifetime ago.

I have learned so much during the last 17 years. About my husband, about marriage, about raising kids together, and how to be a military wife.

My husband joined the Army when we had been married for about three years. Everything before that was so different. We have had our Germany years and our Fort Campbell years and are now in our National Guard years.

Our boys are getting older, one is just about three years away from being an adult himself. We have one son with Autism and have had other challenges with our kids to figure out over the last 15 years.

We have been through four deployments, and too many other times apart to count. Lately, he has been home more often than he has ever been. I am not sure how long this will last, but this time together has been so needed.

I always feel a bit funny giving marriage advice. For a while, that was because I hadn’t been married long enough. Then, I just wasn’t sure if my advice would apply to anyone who read it. I have friends whose marriages haven’t lasted, even though they went into them with that as a plan.

I know so many people that are living a completely different life than they thought they would, with a completely different person than they started out with. Life happens, and you never really know how that will change you or your spouse.

But, as I look at my upcoming anniversary, I can’t help but think about what has worked and what hasn’t. I can’t help but think about what my marriage has gone through and what challenges we have faced over the years.

I don’t claim to have the secrets about how to stay married when you are in the military. Everyone has a different story. Everyone is dealing with their own experiences.

Marriage is never easy, but I do think there are things you can do to help keep you stay married over the miles, and over the years.

Forgive Often

You are going to have to forgive each other and do so often. Whenever you live with another person, they are going to piss you off. They are going to get on your nerves sometimes, and you could find yourself holding a bit of a grudge if they wrong you in some way.

Obviously, there are exceptions. You don’t have to forgive someone who cheated on you. You don’t have to put up with abuse. But, in your day-to-day, try to forgive the little things. They usually aren’t worth holding on to.

Know Your Spouse’s Personality

This is something I feel like I didn’t quite get until the last few years. And if I had realized this earlier, things might have been a bit easier for me. I knew going in my husband is a completely different person than I am, but there is so much more to that that can affect your everyday.

The 5 Love Languages Military Edition: The Secret to Love That Lasts (this is an affiliate link) book is a good start. You can also take an Enneagram test to figure out you and your partner’s personality type as well as taking a Myers-Briggs test. These also can be good for friendships and getting along with people in general.

Knowing how your spouse works, how they feel loved, and what is important to them will help so much when certain struggles come up in your marriage. While “treat others like you want to be treated” can be good advice, it doesn’t always work 100%. Over the years I have learned more about what my husband appreciates and what he doesn’t care too much about.

One example is care packages. Some spouses love them. I know I would.

If I was deployed and my husband sent me a care package I would feel so loved. But for my husband? It is different. While he would appreciate one, receiving a care package wouldn’t be the same as it would be for me. When he is deployed, I don’t need to send him one on a regular basis, but that isn’t true for every deployed service member.

Communicate Expectations Before They Deploy

Talking about your expectations before a deployment starts is so important. Talk about how often you need to hear from them, care packages, and even how you will be spending your money during a deployment.

There are so many times when frustrating situations come up because each spouse has a different idea of how things are going to be during a deployment. While you can’t prepare for everything, communicating about deployment expectations will go a long way in helping your marriage when they are gone.

Talk Things Over

Constantly talking things over with your spouse is a must. You want to be on the same page about what you guys are going through. You don’t want to keep big things from each other.

If your children are very young and date nights are hard to come by, make use of the time after they go to bed. Cook a nice dinner, and have some conversations. You can connect this way, without even leaving your home.

If you can go on regular date nights, do so. They can make for the perfect time to talk about your lives, what is going on with both of you, and what you want for the future. Lately, my husband and have been going out a couple of times a month.

We can have some fun, kid-free time together and let each other know how things are going. Sometimes during the workweek, we are ships passing in the night, so having that time together is very important to our marriage.

If your spouse is deployed, this type of thing can be difficult, especially if it isn’t easy to communicate. Writing letters can help, as well as trying to connect when you can. Other times you might just have to make some decisions on your own and tell them about them later.

During my husband’s first deployment, we went a whole month without talking with each other. That was just the way things were, so a lot of things I had to handle all by myself. That time wasn’t easy, but can be how a deployment goes.

Don’t Get Mad At Them For Something The Military Has Done

Getting mad at your spouse because of something the military has done can be easy to do. Keep in mind, they have to go where the military tells them to go, where the military tells them to go. And they can’t always take you with them.

Your spouse will also have to make decisions based on their career. You might not totally understand why and this can be frustrating. Try to remember, they want to make the right choice, and they might have to say yes to things you don’t want them to.

When it comes to the decision to re-enlist or not, decisions can be complicated. In some cases, getting out of the military is a must, for the mental health of the spouse or other members of the family. In other cases, that isn’t going to work, and the career aspirations of your service member need to be taken into account. Talking through your expectations, worries, and your hopes for the future is always a smart idea.

What is your best advice about how to stay married when the military is in charge?

The Best Ways to Celebrate Your Marriage From Across the Miles

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The Best Ways to Celebrate Your Marriage From Across the Miles

The Best Ways to Celebrate Your Marriage From Across the Miles

It was our 5th anniversary. I woke up that morning and something was different, something was off. We had spent our 1st anniversary on a weekend getaway, our 2nd, 3rd and 4th anniversary, we had a nice dinner together. But this was number 5. That’s a big deal when you are newly married. 5 years is longer than high school or college and gives you enough time to look back on where you have been. But this anniversary was going to be different. He was deployed. He was in Iraq and we would not be spending our special day together.

I knew that in order to have a good day I would have to make it so. We would not be going on any trips or going out to dinner. We wouldn’t be going to the movies or a play or even just have a lazy day together. No, this anniversary would be different.

I decided to order a steak dinner from a local restaurant and have the food delivered after my little boys went to bed. I ate the dinner sitting in front of the computer waiting for my husband to come online. Celebrating your anniversary this way might seem strange but can be normal for a military spouse.

Anniversaries are there to celebrate your marriage. You celebrate the time you have had together. To look at the past and look forward to the future. Celebrating your marriage is important. Whether you have only been married a year or for fifty years.

How can you celebrate your marriage when they are deployed or away at a training? How do you celebrate when your heart aches for them? What can you do to feel closer?

Here are some of the best ways to celebrate your marriage from across the miles…

Write love letters- Love letters are the best. You could write your spouse a love letter about how much you love being married to them. Talk about when you first got married and your hopes for the future. You can pour out your heart on pretty stationery and mail it off to them, or include it in a fun care package. 

Make a scrapbook- There is nothing better than going through old photos and looking back on previous memories during your marriage. You can take some time and put together a scrapbook for your deployed spouse. You could keep it simple and just put photos in an album or you could use stickers, cute paper and add a bit of journaling to the book. You could also make a book on a website like Shutterfly.

Send a care package- Put together a special anniversary care package. Here are some ideas from Jo, My Gosh. You can decorate the box however you want and include some of your favorite items. You could go with a romantic theme, or just put in items you know your spouse would love. If you can’t get the package to them around your anniversary, that is okay too. Anytime would be appreciated. 

Have a video chat date- Planning when they will be online might be difficult but if you can plan for a special video chat date on your anniversary, go for it. You could sit and talk over dinner. You could plan to watch the same movie at the same time or just enjoy being able to see each other on the video. You could also do this over the phone instead. This is not going to replace a real date but it’s the best way to spend time together when you are miles apart. 

Make plans for after the deployment- If you can’t celebrate your marriage during the deployment, make plans to do so after. You could plan a special trip or even just a meal at a nice restaurant. You can always celebrate your anniversary later. There is no rule that it has to be on that day. We have been able to celebrate our anniversaries months later by making a plan for a getaway when we were able to after a deployment.

Leave a comment and let me know how you have celebrated your marriage during a deployment. Have you done anything special and creative?

We Are Military Spouses

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We Are Military Spouses

Being a military spouse is quite the journey. There is nothing quite like being married to someone serving in the military. This way of life is unique, filled with the good and the bad.

We Are Military Spouses

As military spouses…

We jump right into this life, dating someone who wears the uniform. Knowing that if we are going to get serious with them, we would have to be on board with a different type of lifestyle.

We marry civilians, and over the years, things changed and we stand by them as they sign papers to join the military.

We stay home, they go off to basic training, both of us not knowing what to expect, and hoping we made the right choice.

We pack up our first home, after waiting on orders for our first duty station, unsure how a California girl is going to do in Kansas.

We Are Military Spouses

We fly over the ocean for the first time, arriving in a city in Germany, ready to spend the rest of our 20s in a different country.

We move into military housing, unsure how we were going to make this tiny home work, but we will somehow figure it all out.

We stand by as the deployment orders come, knowing they will come again in the future too.

We comfort our friends as they say goodbye to their spouses, knowing that our turn is coming soon too.

We Are Military Spouses

We try to understand what all the terms mean, but even after years as a military spouse, some still confuses us.

We go to FRG meetings, even when we are not sure what to expect.

We leave our comfort zone because we know it might be the only way to make some friends who understand this life.

We feel left out of family events, since they are 2,000 miles away, but we take comfort in finding family-like friends at our duty stations.

We Are Military Spouses

We are never really sure how long we will be a military spouse, the struggle over re-listing is real.

We get frustrated with TRICARE but are thankful to have it all the same.

We hope and pray that the military doesn’t mess up our pay, and check the LES religiously just in case it does.

We start new hobbies, and learn new skills, trying to stay busy during the deployments.

We Are Military Spouses

We Are Military Spouses

We want to work on our own careers and get frustrated when the military makes that difficult.

We still try to do what we can, even if it seems impossible.

We are stay at home moms, work at home moms, and working out of the home moms.

We are stay at home dads, work at home dads, and working out of the home dads.

We Are Military Spouses

We come from different backgrounds and can learn a lot from one another.

We know that not everyone grew up like we did, and we have a window into other ways of doing things.

We are young, barely out of high school and we are more seasoned, turning 40 during our spouse’s 6th deployment.

We have been to college, or want to go, and hope that the military will help make that happen.

We Are Military Spouses

We have five children, or three children, or one little baby.

We don’t have children and don’t intend to ever change that.

We have dogs that stand by us through the hardest of days, and cats that piss us off, even though we love them so much.

We live on post, we live off post and make the best of any housing situation.

We Are Military Spouses

We Are Military Spouses

We have lived overseas for half of marriage and hope to go back someday soon.

We are scared to death to get orders to Europe but know it will be an experience of a lifetime.

We want to go to Hawaii, it’s always been a dream, and now with the military, going over there can happen.

We are not sure we will ever be able to be stationed OCONUS, but hope that it can happen with our next PCS.

We Are Military Spouses

We worry when our loved one is in a dangerous place.

We know, no news is good news, but that is hard to remember sometimes.

We learn OPSEC, PERSEC, and try to remember both even in the midst of a difficult deployment.

We know who we can lean on, and we reach out to others going through the same type of situation.

We Are Military Spouses

We welcome back our soldier, airmen, sailor, marine, or coastie, having spent hours finding the perfect outfit.

We know that the outfit doesn’t matter, just being back in their arms again does.

We worry about after the deployment, not knowing what to expect.

We try to be there for our spouse as much as possible, as they try to make their way during reintegration.

We Are Military Spouses

We Are Military Spouses

We solo parent, even with three toddlers under our foot.

We give birth without our partner, hoping we can video chat sometime during labor.

We depend on our friends, and family members to help when they can but we know we have to do a lot of it by ourselves.

We can’t help but laugh when Murphy’s law hits hard, that first day of deployment.

We Are Military Spouses

We dream, we hope, we pray…

We cry when things get hard, we comfort when they get hard for our neighbor.

We know that things could always be worse, and we know that things can and will get better when we are in a difficult place.

We grow stronger through it all and know that someday we will appreciate what we have been through if it hasn’t happened already.

We Are Military Spouses…the partners of those who serve our country. The ones back at home. The ones who wait.

How long have you been a military spouse???

 

6 Tips For Surviving a Long Distance Relationship That Seems Like it Will Last Forever

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6 Tips For Surviving a Long Distance Relationship That Seems Like it Will Last Forever

If you have ever been in a long distance relationship, you know how hard they can be. All you want is to live in the same area as your loved one but for whatever reason, you can’t. Maybe your boyfriend goes to college across the country from where you went to college, maybe you met someone from another state on your last vacation, or maybe you are dating or married to a service member whose military service takes them away from you.

6 Tips For Surviving a Long Distance Relationship That Seems Like it Will Last Forever

Whatever the reason you are in an LDR, know that they never last forever and you can get through that time apart.

Here are six tips for surviving a long distance relationship that seems like it will last forever.

Live where you live, not where they do

When I was with one of my college boyfriends, we were in a long-distance relationship too, and I made a big mistake. I tried to stay so connected to him where he was, that I missed out on living where I was. I would stay home just to talk to him on the phone, I wouldn’t go out and make friends because I had him.

And in the end, I was miserable. Living that way isn’t good. Make sure to live your life where you are currently living, even if your loved one is far away.

Make plans to be together

Since people are in long distance relationships for different reasons, ask yourself if there is anything you can do to live closer to one another. Maybe all it would take is one of you moving to another city. Maybe you just need to be okay with leaving your hometown to join your military boyfriend at his first duty station.

While this is very personal and will be different for everyone, see if there is anything you can change about your situation. There might just a way to make some changes so that you no longer have to be in a long distance relationship.

6 Tips For Surviving a Long Distance Relationship That Seems Like it Will Last Forever

But look at the big picture

While making some changes can lead to you being together, you also shouldn’t just give up your dreams because the distance is too hard. You might be in school, trying to finish your degree. He might need to go away and finish up a few years in Germany before you two can get married and start your lives together.

There could be good long-term reasons why you are in a long-distance relationship at the moment, and you want to be careful about messing that up. Love can be tricky sometimes and being careful about any big decision when it comes to making plans is a good idea.

Talk often, but not too often

You want to work on your relationship, even across the miles. You want to talk often and communicate with one another. This is all very important when you can’t see them in person all of the time.

However, sometimes you can talk too often. This happens a lot in military circles. The service member calls twice a day, and the military spouse has trouble coming up with things to say. She feels too pressured, and that gets frustrating.

Getting on the same page about how often you will talk is a good idea. Maybe you won’t call every single day, but you can send text messages whenever you feel the need. Going over expectations is essential.

Write love letters

Don’t discount getting out the pen and paper and writing an actual love letter. These are so special and give you both a way to get your feelings to one another out. They make lovely keepsakes down the line if you two stay together for the long term.

If you are dating or married to someone in the military, you might not always be able to get a hold of them. But you can always write them a letter and put that in the mail, sending your love across the miles.

6 Tips For Surviving a Long Distance Relationship That Seems Like it Will Last Forever

Find others in an LDR too

See if you can find some friends that are going through a long distance relationship too. Being around a lot of in-person couples can be difficult when your loved one is far away. Finding others who get what that is like is a smart idea.

You are not the only one going through this. You are not the only person who feels like their partner lives inside of your phone. Find ways to make it through, connect over the miles, and one day, you will no longer have to be apart.

What are your best tips for surviving a long distance relationship?

What I Have Learned After 15 Years of Marriage

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What I Have Learned After 15 Years of Marriage

What I Have Learned After 15 Years of Marriage

The first week of August my husband and I celebrated 15 years of marriage. That day in August 2002, I became a wife and started my life with my husband. We had met the year before, and we both knew right away that we were meant to be.

Over the years our life has gone in different directions than I thought it would. I didn’t believe that we would be a military family, that came a few years later. I thought we would have a daughter; we have three sons. I didn’t know how difficult certain things would be or where this road of life would lead us.

When you have been married for a while, you learn about what it means to be married, what it’s like to go through life with someone else, and what it’s like to raise a family together.

Here is what I have learned in the last 15 years of marriage:

What I Have Learned After 15 Years of Marriage

Life is full of surprises

Life is not going to go the way you think it will. Whether that means surviving through deployments you never knew you would have to go through, moving to a place you never even thought about, or having different children than you thought you would.

Life will be filled with happy things like a new baby, buying a house, and going on an amazing vacation. Life will have sadness in it whether it is the death of one of your parents to cancer, the suicide of your sister-in-law, or a time of struggling with jobs and making enough money.

You will go through these happy times, and sad ones. You will need to depend on one another when you do. All couples go through these different types of situations and as hard as they might seem, we are not alone in trying to figure out how to deal with them.

You won’t always like each other

Sometimes I get annoyed with my husband and sometimes he gets annoyed with me. Before deployments, we can fight more than we normally do, about the silly stupid stuff. You won’t always like your spouse, but that feeling won’t last forever if you can work through your situation.

Stress can cause a marriage to break, especially if you don’t address what is causing the stress. If you feel like you can’t get past a particular situation, it is okay to ask for extra help. Going to marriage counseling doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It can help you and your spouse and get you two to a better place.

You will still make each other smile

My husband still makes me smile. Whether it is because he is playing with the kids or because he is just walking through our house. I am still in love with this man and to be able to look at him and smile is a good thing.

Life sometimes gets so busy, and with both of us working hard, it can be difficult to find time to just hang out together, but we do try. Giving one another a quick smile or kiss during the day can go a long way in helping us connect during those busy days.

What I Have Learned After 15 Years of Marriage

Growing old together really is amazing

When my husband and I got married I was 23; he was 26. Now we are 38 and 41. We have grown up a lot since those years. When we look at our wedding photos, we look so much younger than we do today. We have gray hair, more wrinkles, and we don’t move quite as fast.

I love this part of marriage. Of knowing we were together when I was in my early twenties and knowing we will be going through our 40s together soon (I still have 1.5 years, haha.) As each year goes by, we learn more about one another and experience different stages of life.

We had the years before kids, then they started coming, and diapers and baby food were the norm. Now our oldest is almost a teenager, and we are entering a new stage of life. It’s fun to look back over the years of where we have been and all that we have done together.

As we start a new married year together, I am thankful for my husband. I love what we have built together, and I am excited to see where the future takes us.

How long have you been married? What is your best marriage tip?

9 Things That Can Hurt a Military Marriage

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9 Things That Can Hurt a Military Marriage

This August my husband and I will be celebrating our 15th anniversary. In some ways, it seems like we just walked down the aisle. But when I look at my wedding photos, I can see that many years have gone by since that day. For one thing, we look so young. I was 23; he was 26. My niece, our little flower girl, is now graduating from high school and all of our photos were done on film, years before the digital age started.

9 Things That Can Hurt a Military Marriage

 

I have learned a lot about marriage the last 15 years. I have also learned about what it means to be in a military marriage, about how to stay strong through deployments, about how to be the best wife I can be despite all the challenges that get thrown at us.

Check out The Blessing of a Military Marriage

military marriage

The truth is, there are things that can help a military marriage and things that will hurt a military marriage. Whether you just walked down the aisle or did so a while ago, here are nine things that can hurt a military marriage that you should be aware of.

1. Not communicating

Married couples should be talking to one another, but sometimes that is hard to do. Everyday life can get in the way; deployments can get in the way, the stress of everything can get in the way. Try to keep the lines of communication open.

If you can’t talk in person, write letters, email or plan to speak on the phone. Check in with one another and try to make plans to hang out, even if you feel like two ships passing in the night.

2. Cheating

Cheating can tear your marriage apart. Whether it is physical or not. Make sure you can protect your marriage. Make smart choices, especially when your spouse is away. Be the type of spouse that they can trust and not have to worry about when you are away from one another.

Set boundaries with other people. This will, of course, depend on your marriage but make sure you are on the same page. Some couples are okay with more social time with the opposite sex; others are not. Make sure you talk about expectations and what is normal for your marriage.

 Check out 10 Ways To Save Money When You Need To Be On A Tight Budget

3. Money

So many couples fight about money. When two people, who were raised differently, come together and create their family, there are going to be tensions about money. If one of you was raised with a spending mindset and the other with a saving mentality there is going to be friction when it comes to your budgets.

Make sure to spend time talking about your expectations, how much you should be spending, how much you should be saving, and figure out what your long-term goals are. Don’t hide money from each other and be honest about your spending.

Saving Money in the Military
4. Children

Having children will add stress to your marriage. They will take up a lot of your time, and their needs will come first. Try to keep the perspective and still make time for your spouse.

Have date nights, even if that means making a nice dinner after the kids go to bed and curling up on your couch to watch a Netflix movie. Talk about your parenting strategies. There are so many different ways to be a parent and arguments can come up when you are not on the same page about how to raise your children.

Deployments can complicate this as one parent can leave when a child is just a few months old and come home to a toddler. The parent who was at home has a system, and a plan and the deployed parent has to figure out how to be involved again.

 Check out 10 Ways to Help Your Kids During a Deployment

5. Being cruel

Don’t be cruel to your spouse. That is not going to take you down the right path. Be loving and patient with them. Don’t seek ways to hurt them and apologize when you do.

You know how they say never go to bed angry? That is pretty much true. Try your best to work things out in a kind matter and don’t be cruel and mean to each other. Not only is this destructive to your marriage, but kids can pick up on it too.

6. Acting immature

Being married means, you need to stop acting childish. Even if you married young. You are adults now, and you need to act like it.

Don’t try to live off of other people, work hard, and make the best of what you have. You will not be able to afford a brand new home right away, that might take years to get to a place where you can afford that. Be patient and know that over time things will change and you won’t always have to use a footlocker for your coffee table.

7. Taking bad advice

There is good advice and bad advice. Look to the people you trust and learn from them. Keep in mind that no one is in your marriage and no one can tell you exactly what to do. You can gain advice from others who have been there before and have wise words to say about whatever problem you are going through.

Be extra careful about family giving you advice. It could be very biased. If they never wanted you to get married in the first place, their advice might not help you in your current struggles. Find good friends that you trust to talk about your problems with.

8. Keeping things from your spouse

Don’t keep secrets from your spouse. Tell them what is going on and what they need to know. Of course, as military spouses, there will be times when we can’t talk to our husband or wife on a regular basis. Because of this, it can feel like we are keeping secrets.

If something is important, write it down and tell them later. When it comes to sharing things with them when they are overseas, think about their personality and ask them what they would want you to do. Some people do want to hear everything and others can’t handle that.

grass is always greener
9. Assuming the grass will always be greener

If you have been married a while, there will be things that start to annoy you about your spouse. Of course, this is going to happen, you are living together, raising a family together and you are going to get on each other’s nerves sometimes. This is not caused for your to walk away. Because the truth is, everyone will annoy you at some point. Don’t assume the grass is greener somewhere else. Water your grass and keep your vows in mind.

How long have you been married?

To the Young Military Spouse Who is Struggling

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To the Young Military Spouse Who is Struggling

Being married at a young age can be a fantastic thing. You found the person you want to spend the rest of your life without having to wait years to do so. You can take comfort in the fact that you will get to grow old together, starting in your 20s or even late teens. There is a lot to be excited about when you get married at a younger age.

However, being married young can also be tough. All marriages have their challenges. You can get married in your 30s and be divorced by your 40s. There isn’t a particular age in where you can make sure your marriage will be a good one and will survive, but being young can add some extra stress to your marriage. If you marry young, you will be growing up together, working through issues that other people resolve on their own before marriage. Marrying young means having to push other parts of your life onto the backburner. College and the first few years of your career can be skipped over for an early marriage and becoming a mother. There is so much to think about when marrying young.

Being a military couple adds in other stresses. From being a part through basic and AIT to moving far away from home and then deployments and trainings. No matter how old you are, these stresses can get to you and hurt your marriage if you let them.

For the young military spouse, all of this can lead to plenty of frustrations. While your friends are off at college, you are trying to make a home in a new state with a husband who is off at war. You can no longer relate to them, but you struggle to make friends where you are. This can create loneliness, and that frustration can lead to blaming the marriage or even your spouse for how you are feeling.

So what can you do? What do you do when you feel so helpless and alone? When you wonder if you should have waited a bit longer. When you question if going to college would have been a better choice. What do you do when your spouse is overseas and doesn’t seem to want to talk to you and in some cases even tells you he doesn’t want to be married anymore? What do you do when it seems your marriage is falling apart before it has even had a chance to start?

Remember, all marriages have seasons

There is a time for all things. Some seasons of your life will be happier than others. You will go through challenges as a couple. Money problems, military frustrations, issues with work, with your children and even other people. Some seasons will be easier than others.

Just because being married young is going to be a challenge doesn’t mean your marriage won’t make it

For every couple that married young that didn’t make it, another one did. Try not to listen to those who say you won’t make it because you are so young. They are not a part of your marriage. Keep what’s important in mind and do what you can to make the marriage work.

Military life adds additional challenges

No doubt about it, marrying into the military is going to give you extra challenges. A year-long deployment a few months after you get married is going to challenge you in ways you never thought possible. Remember, you are not alone in going through this. Many couples have gone before you and have gotten through.

Love your spouse through the difficult moments

When things are difficult, keep loving your spouse. Remind them of the time when you fell in love. Write letters, emails and send care packages. Sometimes service members can get into deployment mode and that can complicate things. They might not be acting like the same person you know and love. Keep in mind that deployments can change the way things are and even if they do go back to normal when they get home, you will each grow through them.

Stay busy when they are gone

When your spouse is gone, stay busy. Go to college, online if you can’t go to a physical one. Start working, build up your career. Make friends, make plans. Go out to lunch and plan dinners. Work on your home or get involved in volunteer work. This is always something you can do to stay busy.

Don’t push for babies, enjoy your pre-baby time

This is complicated. Some of you came into the marriage with children. But if you haven’t, wait. Even if you wait until you are in your mid-20s, you will still be a young mom. Children are awesome and can add so much to marriage but they are also a lot of work and getting pregnant right away, especially when they are in the military can be too much for some people. Wait if you can, even if you wait an extra year. Enjoy your pre-baby time because once you start having children, everything changes.

Don’t be afraid of counseling

If you need to, see a counselor. If your spouse won’t go to counseling, go by yourself. Military One Source has a lot of resources. Being able to see a counselor on a regular basis can be a good outlet to help you see what you need to work on and what you two can work on as a couple.

Find older spouses to learn from

Learn from those who have gone before you. Talk to your grandma, your mom or an older sister or friend. They have been through what you are going through in the past and have some words of advice. As you start your military journey, you will be able to connect with other spouses that have been living the military life longer than you have.

Fight for your marriage

Sometimes you will have to fight for your marriage. Sometimes you might be the only one doing so. This is going to wear you out but keep thinking about what you have committed to and commit to working through whatever it is that you need to work through to help your marriage.

Embrace the military life

Being able to embrace the military life is going to help you navigate through the challenges you face. This doesn’t mean that you have to be happy about everything the military does or that you will not go through times when it feels like you can’t make it another day, but being able to look at the positives of this life will be a good idea, especially when first starting out.

Be wary of what you tell your family

When you marry young, you might have just left the home you grew up in. Almost overnight you could have gone from a teenager finishing high school to a spouse. This can be a complicated process, and in some cases, it is hard to make that change. If you and your spouse are going through some difficulties, be careful of what you are telling your family. They can remember what you say and bring that back up years later, even if you have moved beyond it.

Find good friends and choose wisely

Be careful about who you share things with. Not everyone you meet is going to have your best interests at heart. Get out there and make friends but save your secrets for the people you can trust and rely on the most. The ones who you trust to get advice from and those who know how to keep a secret.

So, to the young military spouse that is struggling, you have to want to be married to the person you have chosen to walk down the aisle to. You made that decision, and you have to want the relationship to work. While not everyone who tries for their marriage will succeed, every person that did has tried to make things work, even in the most difficult of circumstances. *

What advice would you give to a younger military spouse?

* If you think you are in an abusive relationship, seek help and figure out a way to get out. You do not need to try to make things work with someone who is hurting you. That is not okay and there are resources out there to help you.

Military Marriage: It’s Time for a Couple Checkup

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Military Marriage: It’s Time for a Couple Checkup

Military Marriage: It's Time for a Couple Checkup

This is a sponsored post! All opinions are my own!

Pre-martial Counseling

Before my husband and I got married we went to pre-martial counseling. Although this was required before we got married in our church, I am glad we were able to go through the counseling together. When we started the counseling we had to take a special quiz to find out more about our strengths as a couple as well as our weaknesses. Then, during the weeks of the class, we knew what we needed to focus on.

Based on our answers we found out that one of the topics we would probably fight about the most was finances. We grew up in very different types of homes and had different ideas about money. Over the years this has proven to be true although, after 14 years of marriage, we have learned more and more to see money in the same way.

The Couple Check Up

A few weeks ago my husband and I got to use the Couple Checkup, an online customized assessment tool used to help figure out your strengths and weakness as a couple. The Couple Checkup is powered by Prepare and Enrich, the leading relationship inventory and skill-building program used nationally and internationally. This check up reminded me so much of the quiz we took back in 2002. Now, 14 years later, I knew taking another one would be a good idea.Military Marriage: It's Time for a Couple Checkup

This checkup was easy to do on our iPad, but you could also pull it up on your computer or phone. Although we did the quiz the same day, we didn’t have to. Each of us did our part of the checkup on our own and once we both completed them, we received a detailed report. The quiz only took about 15 minutes and was filled with all types of questions about us, our relationship and even specific questions because my husband is in the military.

The three main goals of the Couple Check Up are to celebrate your relationship strengths, identify issues you disagree on and need to resolve and encourage you and your partner to talk about your relationship. The report was 20 pages filled with a lot of great information specific to our relationship. This report goes beyond regular marriage advice and offers you advice based on your own relationship.

The key relationship areas that the report talks about are communication, conflict resolution, financial management, leisure activities, sexual relationship, family and friends and spiritual beliefs. There are also sections on how we feel about roles and responsibilities, children and parenting and military life. There is even a section about our own personalities and how they differ from one another.

As a military couple, sometimes we can get so caught up in the day to day business of life.

For us that might mean a busy week followed by a drill weekend and another busy week. For others, deployments can mean not really being able to talk seriously for weeks on end. You really have to be proactive about your marriage and your struggles.

I think this Couple Check Up is a great idea because the report is a great starting off point to talk about what is going on in your marriage. You can find out where you don’t line up with one another. You can also see where you are on the same page which can also be helpful. Through the years, your marriage will change, especially being a military couple. Finding ways to connect and communicate through these changes is important.

My husband and I will celebrate our 15th anniversary this year. Knowing we have a jumping off point to talk about the things in our marriage that need a little more attention is going to be a good thing. I learned more about him and he learned more about me.

You can visit the Couple Check Up and learn more about this great tool to help you and your own military marriage. Cost is $19.95!

 

22 Memes All About Military Marriage

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22 Memes All About Military Marriage

22 Memes All About Military Marriage

Military marriage is a journey. You never really know what you are getting yourself into. Whether your spouse joined five years into your civilian marriage or you walked down the aisle to see your spouse in uniform, knowing that marrying him meant becoming a military spouse. Military marriage has unique challenges. We spend months away from our spouses, we play mom and dad more often than not, we have to PCS and move a lot more often and we might be missing our own families a little more than we want to be.

Here are 22 memes all about military marriage! Can you relate???

military marriage

Remember to keep saying I love you, no matter how far apart you are.

military marriage

Sometimes military marriage is all about being trustworthy, patient, loving, creative and understanding!

Military Marriage Memes

Such an important thing to remember! Remember you love each other, even from miles away.

military marriage

Remember, this is one of your difficult moments, every couple has them.

military marriage

Seriously! That would be the best news ever!

military marriage

So true! Every time you can be a full family is special!

military marriage

Loving your spouse is going to go a long way in a military marriage!

military marriage

Homecoming is great but the time after deployment can be challenging for any military marriage.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

military marriage

Seeing your spouse after so many months is an exciting time! You will get butterflies!

military marriage

You can still have a good day, even if you miss them.

military marriage

This is what we, military spouses do, we stand by!

military marriage

So true! So very true! That meeting again is the best!

military marriage

Memories you will never forget! The good ones and the bad.

military marriage

Yes, yes it will. Love is what guides you to working through any issues that might come up.

military marriage

Trust is a must! Without it military life is going to be close to impossible.

military marriage

Hard times make for stronger people!

military marriage

Yes! We all know what waiting on that phone call is like!
And what it’s like when we miss that call! Our spouse lives in our phone!

military marriage

Seriously! How many times do people say this to us?
And how many times do we just want to tell them they would do it too!

military marriage

Yes! Even if they are across the world from each other, knowing you are loved by them is important.

military marriage

The military will have to come first sometimes.
Know, you are always first in his heart, even if it feels like the military is first in everything else.

military marriage

Yes! Remember all those times you were together, especially during the harder days.
That will help you through them.

military marriage

When you marry someone in the military, you are signing on for a life as a military spouse. It might not have been your first choice but the military is a part of the person you married.

Whether you are getting married in a couple of months, been married for a couple of years or getting ready to celebrate your 20th anniversary, your military marriage is important!

How long have you been married?