I talk a lot about the military community. I have seen so much good come from people banding together to get through the hard stuff. Finding others who understand is extremely helpful. But…with the good comes the bad, and the ugly. 

The military community isn’t perfect. We have some flaws. We have some ugly parts. And like any community, as much as we try, they can sometimes take over your whole experience to the point where you just want to walk away. 

The good of the military community

The good of the military community includes walking alongside one another when you are hurt. It means planning a Thanksgiving dinner when all your spouses are deployed. It means stepping in and bringing another spouse groceries when she is sick on the couch. It means trading babysitting and letting people vent about the hard, and helping them come up with solutions to what seems impossible. 

The bad of the military community

The bad is having to leave the friends you have made that have felt like family, only to only ever like their Facebook posts in the future. The bad is feeling left out and not sure you can find a place. The bad is struggling to find new friends when you miss your old ones more than anything. 

And the ugly of the military community

The Facebook groups that poke fun at innocent questions from new military spouses. The hate for certain spouses based on whether they are married to and enlisted service member or officer. The misunderstandings that lead to a lack of grace and friendship. The loneliness some can feel because they can’t seem to find their people. 

The truth of the military community

The truth is that any community can have its share of the good, the bad, and the ugly. But as a military community, we have more at stake. We need one another in so many different ways. We can’t afford to be mean-spirited. We need to work past that.

As a community, we need to work together because with the world the way it is, with things heating up, we will need one another. And it starts with each of us. Extending that grace, treating others with respect, and striving to be the best version of ourselves.

Enough With the Dependa Crap

I’m over it. I am so tired of the dependa crap. I am tired of people throwing that word around, using it to demean others, using it as a weapon, and hiding behind it as if it makes them better than anyone else.

Enough with the talking down to other military spouses because they live their lives differently than you do.

Enough with the Facebook group bashing because you think you are right and don’t have room for other opinions.

Enough with assuming military spouses are only there to take from an unsuspecting soldier.

We as a military community are better than that!

We should be anyway.

We should be showing other military spouses compassion.

And if we can’t do that, then we should learn how to keep our mouths shut.

We don’t have to be friends with everyone, we don’t have to like everyone, but enough with calling people names when we don’t get along.

We are all in this together.

We all go through deployments, we all have lonely nights, we all know what it is like to wait for someone.

In the midst of solo parenting, we don’t have the time for this.

The truth is…

Some of us military spouses work outside the home, some of us work in the home.

Some of us are stay at home parents, some of us have been over the years when it worked best for our families to do so.

Some of us have college degrees, some of us don’t.

Some of us are going back to school, and some of us are waiting until our children are a little older.

Some of us work 9-5 jobs, some of us work the overnight shift.

Some of us have been military spouses since we were 18, some of us joined this lifestyle at 30.

Some of us have five children, some of us have one child, and some of us are okay with a child-free life.

Enough with the dependa crap!

It doesn’t look good on you, hate for others never does.

We are a community of diverse, unique, and amazing men and women. We might be from different places, we might have different backgrounds, but the one thing we all have in common is supporting a military service member.

And are their military spouses that are doing things to hurt their service member? Sure, what community doesn’t have that? But in my personal experience, these spouses are not the norm.

Quit calling out an entire community, and work to make relationships within it.

Quit assuming that anyone that says something positive about the military is just using their spouse; there are some pretty amazing things about being a military spouse and it is okay to talk about them.

Quit assuming that anyone that is having a difficult time with this lifestyle deserves to be made fun of, not everything is easy and sometimes we do need that extra support.

Enough with the dependa crap!

It doesn’t make sense, it tears us apart, and it tears apart the very community we need during our time as a military spouse.

Do better, be better, understand what you can, and have grace for what you can’t.

I have met so many military spouses during the last 13 years that I have been a military spouse. Almost every single one is trying to do what they can to love their service member spouse, raise their children if they have them, work on their own careers, whatever they might be, and strive to handle this crazy lifestyle.

Enough with the dependa crap! We are so much better than that! 

The Truth About the Military Spouse Community

I have noticed something, and it makes me sad. Military spouses who have no desire to be involved in the military community because they think everyone is awful. They don’t want to try to be friends with other military spouses because they believe all military spouses are the same and that they don’t want to be involved in their drama.

I just have to say, that in the 12 years I have been a military spouse, this has not been my experience. 

Are there terrible military spouses out there? Yes, of course. Just like there are terrible civilian spouses out there. Terrible people are everywhere but so are amazing people. And the military community has a lot more of them.

Do military spouses cause drama? Yes, they do, but you know what? There is drama everywhere else too. There is drama in a civilian neighborhood, there is drama in a civilian school, there is drama just about anywhere you find other people. Life has drama.

When you shut yourself off to the military community as a whole, you are shutting yourself off to the ability to meet other people who understand what you are going through. You shut yourself off to the opportunity to meet people who can become family. You shut yourself off to making some amazing memories and getting to know your neighbors and your community.

If you are feeling like no one understands you, if you feel like you are the only military spouse who believes a certain way, I guarantee you are not alone. I guarantee that there are other military spouses out there, in your own military community, that believes the same way that you do.

When you are new to military life, the community can feel a bit overwhelming. There is so much to learn, so many terms, so many traditions. You can feel a little lost.

When you get to your first duty station and don’t know a soul, you can start to feel invisible. The school is asking for an emergency contact, and you don’t know anyone local, let alone anyone you would trust with your children. You see other spouses with their friends, and you want that, but you are not sure how to get it.

You might be a seasoned spouse who is moving for the sixth time in ten years. Things didn’t go so well at your last duty station, so you tell yourself that this time you will stick to the civilian side of things. You will stay far away from the military community. But then your spouse deploys, and you are left alone, wondering how to make it through, wondering how you will do so without any battle buddies.

The truth is, our military communities are filled with people, and people do make mistakes. They are filled with good experiences and bad ones. They are filled with happiness and sadness. They are filled with men and women who all want to live the best life that they can with the people around them.

So whether you are brand new to this life or whether you have been a spouse for a long time, try to reach out and find the good in your military community. The good is there, I promise.

You can see it when one spouse loses her child, and her friends are there to help her through. You see it when one spouse loses her husband, and her battle buddies are right there by her side. You see it when a mom is having a baby and her community rallies around her and offers support.

The truth is, not everything is going to go smoothly. In a military community, you will find drama, you will find people who ignore you, you will find people who won’t understand you. But they do not make up all of the community. They should not ruin things for you so that you swear off military spouses for good.

This isn’t to say you shouldn’t be guarded or careful. Opening your heart to everyone you meet isn’t always the best plan. But you can go into your community with hope. You can work hard to be the type of friend you are looking for. You can work hard to make the military community a better place.

What do you love about your own military community?