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22 Tips for a Better Military Spouse Life

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22 Tips for a Better Military Spouse Life

22 Tips for a Better Military Spouse Life

Are you a new military spouse? Maybe you have been living this life for a few years now? Maybe your spouse is about to hit 20 years? No matter where you are in your military spouse journey, there are certain tips that can help you along the way. Certain things to remember so that you have a better overall experience.

Here is a list of 22 tips to help you have a better military spouse life-

1. Take it a day at a time- You will find that in your military life journey, you will have bad days, especially when your spouse is away. Take these days one day at a time. Try not to look at all the days you will have to get through. Sometimes that can be too overwhelming.

2. Sometimes you will need to take it an hour at a time- Sometimes you will have to take things an hour at a time. This is especially true during the first or last weeks of a deployment.

3. Don’t forget about you- When your spouse joins the military, it can be easy to feel like you don’t matter anymore. That you are just there to support your spouse. But you are much more than that. Don’t forget about yourself and what you need. That is important as well.

4. You are much stronger than you think- During your time as a military spouse you will go through situations you never thought you would be able to. I never thought I could make it through a 15-month deployment but I did. I never thought I could handle having a baby without my husband but I did. You will surprise yourself with what you can get through that you didn’t think you were able to do before.

5. Look at the calendar differently- Sometimes you will celebrate holidays and birthdays later on than you normally would. That is okay. If your spouse has to be away for Christmas, celebrate the holiday early. If they are going to miss your anniversary, celebrate when they get home. The calendar looks different to us military spouses and that is okay.

6. Learn about your bills & how to budget- If you don’t already know about what bills to pay and when they are due, you need to find out. You will need to be the main person in charge of paying the bills. Or at least know how to do it. Why? Because sometimes your spouse will not be able to. They could be deployed or somewhere where they could not do anything with your finances. You will need to know how to pay the bills and how to budget so that you can make the best of the money you and your spouse make.

7. POA is your best friend- POAs are a must. You can get your Power of Attorney on post through JAG or through a lawyer. Consider getting special POAs for situations that might come up.

8. Find good battle buddies- You need some good friends in your military life. Friends that can help you through the hard days and friends you can make memories with through the good ones.

9. Be a good friend- You should also be a good friend to others. Be there for people and be a listening ear. Sometimes all someone needs is someone to talk to.

10. Be flexible- Flexible is going to have to become your middle name when you are a military spouse. You can’t always plan on anything happening the way you want it to. You will have to adjust.

11. Stay away from drama if you can- Drama is going to happen at some point in your military life, trust me. Drama can happen in your neighborhood, in a group you are in or even on the soccer field. Do your best to stay away from drama and confront it if you need to. Walking away from the drama is also a good choice.

12. Ask questions- If you don’t understand something, ask questions. Ask a friend, your FRG or even your husband. You won’t always get an answer but asking is helpful to learn more about this military life.

13. Be wary of rumors- Rumors are going to happen. Rumors about deployments, rumors about redeployment, rumors about the Command. Just keep in mind a rumor could be half true or not true at all. Just keep that in mind when you hear something that isn’t fact.

14. Have a backup plan- Having a backup plan is a good idea. You might even need a backup plan for your backup plan. You never know when things will change and you might have to abandon your first plan.

15. Follow your own dreams as much as you can- Did you always want to do something as a career? Don’t be afraid to follow your dreams as much as possible. This is sometimes harder to do depending on your spouse’s career but if you are creative you can make things happen.

16. Don’t be afraid to be you- Be who you are. The military spouse world is made up of a lot of different types of spouses. Be you and find your tribe.

17. Lower your expectations- Sometimes lowering your expectations a little bit can help with your frustration levels. Talking to your spouse every day when they are deployed might not be possible and expecting to be able to can make life really hard. Just try to lower expectations a little bit to help cut down on your frustrations.

18. Get involved in the military community- Get involved. Join a club, go to post events or visit the FRG. You never know who you might meet or what kind of experience you could have.

19. Don’t be afraid to ask for help- Sometimes asking for help is difficult but don’t feel bad if you need to do so. Sometimes a short Facebook post can result in many helping hands.

20. Say No- Know that if you feel like you have too much on your plate, it is okay to say no. You don’t always have to say yes.

21. Say Yes- Sometimes we can get in a rut where we don’t want to do anything. Where you just want to stay home and chill. Try to put yourself out there if you find you are in a funk and need a way to get out of it. Say yes to something new. You might really enjoy yourself.

22. Write love letters- Write love letters. Send them to your spouse. Have fun with them and enjoy being able to write to each other in this way. Most likely when your spouse comes home you will not write these types of letters anymore.

How long have you been a military spouse? What advice would you give?

How To Stay Married When The Military Is In Charge

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How To Stay Married When The Military Is In Charge

My husband joined the Army when we had been married for about three years. Everything before that was so different. We have had our Germany years and our Fort Campbell years and are now in our National Guard years.

Our boys are getting older, one is just about three years away from being an adult himself. We have one son with Autism and have had other challenges with our kids to figure out over the last 15 years.

We have been through four deployments, and too many other times apart to count. Lately, he has been home more often than he has ever been. I am not sure how long this will last, but this time together has been so needed.

I always feel a bit funny giving marriage advice. For a while, that was because I hadn’t been married long enough. Then, I just wasn’t sure if my advice would apply to anyone who read it. I have friends whose marriages haven’t lasted, even though they went into them with that as a plan.

I know so many people that are living a completely different life than they thought they would, with a completely different person than they started out with. Life happens, and you never really know how that will change you or your spouse.

But, as I look at my upcoming anniversary, I can’t help but think about what has worked and what hasn’t. I can’t help but think about what my marriage has gone through and what challenges we have faced over the years.

I don’t claim to have the secrets about how to stay married when you are in the military. Everyone has a different story. Everyone is dealing with their own experiences.

Marriage is never easy, but I do think there are things you can do to help keep you stay married over the miles and over the years.

Forgive Often

You are going to have to forgive each other and do so often. Whenever you live with another person, they are going to piss you off. They are going to get on your nerves sometimes, and you could find yourself holding a bit of a grudge if they wrong you in some way.

Obviously, there are exceptions. You don’t have to forgive someone who cheated on you. You don’t have to put up with abuse. But, in your day-to-day, try to forgive the little things. They usually aren’t worth holding on to.

Know Your Spouse’s Personality

This is something I feel like I didn’t quite get until the last few years. And if I had realized this earlier, things might have been a bit easier for me. I knew going in my husband is a completely different person than I am, but there is so much more to that that can affect your everyday.

The 5 Love Languages Military Edition: The Secret to Love That Lasts (this is an affiliate link) book is a good start. You can also take an Enneagram test to figure out you and your partner’s personality type as well as taking a Myers-Briggs test. These also can be good for friendships and getting along with people in general.

Knowing how your spouse works, how they feel loved, and what is important to them will help so much when certain struggles come up in your marriage. While “treat others like you want to be treated” can be good advice, it doesn’t always work 100%. Over the years I have learned more about what my husband appreciates and what he doesn’t care too much about.

One example is care packages. Some spouses love them. I know I would.

If I was deployed and my husband sent me a care package I would feel so loved. But for my husband? It is different. While he would appreciate one, receiving a care package wouldn’t be the same as it would be for me. When he is deployed, I don’t need to send him one on a regular basis, but that isn’t true for every deployed service member.

Communicate Expectations Before They Deploy

Talking about your expectations before a deployment starts is so important. Talk about how often you need to hear from them, care packages, and even how you will be spending your money during a deployment.

There are so many times when frustrating situations come up because each spouse has a different idea of how things are going to be during a deployment. While you can’t prepare for everything, communicating about deployment expectations will go a long way in helping your marriage when they are gone.

Talk Things Over

Constantly talking things over with your spouse is a must. You want to be on the same page about what you guys are going through. You don’t want to keep big things from each other.

If your children are very young and date nights are hard to come by, make use of the time after they go to bed. Cook a nice dinner, and have some conversations. You can connect this way, without even leaving your home.

If you can go on regular date nights, do so. They can make for the perfect time to talk about your lives, what is going on with both of you and what you want for the future. Lately, my husband and have been going out a couple of times a month.

We can have some fun, kid-free time together and let each other know how things are going. Sometimes during the workweek, we are ships passing in the night, so having that time together is very important to our marriage.

If your spouse is deployed, this type of thing can be difficult, especially if it isn’t easy to communicate. Writing letters can help, as well as trying to connect when you can. Other times you might just have to make some decisions on your own and tell them about them later.

During my husband’s first deployment, we went a whole month without talking with each other. That was just the way things were, so a lot of things I had to handle all by myself. That time wasn’t easy, but can be how a deployment goes.

Don’t Get Mad At Them For Something The Military Has Done

Getting mad at your spouse because of something the military has done can be easy to do. Keep in mind, they have to go where the military tells them to go, where the military tells them to go. And they can’t always take you with them.

Your spouse will also have to make decisions based on their career. You might not totally understand why and this can be frustrating. Try to remember, they want to make the right choice, and they might have to say yes to things you don’t want them to.

When it comes to the decision to re-enlist or not, decisions can be complicated. In some cases, getting out of the military is a must, for the mental health of the spouse or other members of the family. In other cases, that isn’t going to work, and the career aspirations of your service member need to be taken into account. Talking through your expectations, worries, and your hopes for the future is always a smart idea.

What is your best advice about how to stay married when the military is in charge?

To the Burned Out Solo Parent

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To the Burned Out Solo Parent

It’s almost bedtime, almost. You start your bedtime routine at 6:30 on the dot and if all goes well, the kids will be asleep by 7:30, or 8:30, usually by 9, but sometimes even as late as 10:00. It just depends.

If your spouse is deployed at the moment, it really doesn’t matter how long bedtime takes, it will still be 100% on you to get those kids to bed. There will be no trading off nights, no asking for help, no relief if you had a burned out day and need to just chill by yourself for a bit.

Solo parenting doesn’t allow that.

Solo parenting means you play both mom and dad, even if you are tired.

Solo parenting means you make all the daily decisions for the kids, and that can get exhausting.

Solo parenting means you can’t wait for the little bit of me time you get after the kids go to bed, but know you will probably just want to go to sleep yourself.

The first time I ever became a solo parent my son was 13 months old. It was quite a shock to the system. And one I never fully got used to. Everything was on me. And at times, I felt like I couldn’t get it done.

So to the burned out solo parent, I get it. This is hard. Really hard.

You have too much to do, you just do

That’s the reality of the situation. You have to prioritize and let some things go. You can’t do it all, and if you try, solo parenting will be that much more difficult for you. You are doing everything you have to do and stepping in for the other parent as well.

Keep this in mind when you feel like you can’t get it all done, you weren’t supposed to get it all done. Some things can wait for the next day, the next week, or even when they get back home.

You have to stay busy

Staying home all day, every day, with children and no spouse coming home at night is going to make this whole deployment thing a bit more complicated.

Find places to go, even if you just walk down to the park. Find people to hang out with, even if it is just for an hour. Find new hobbies, and get your kids involved in them too.

You have to give yourself a break

What you are doing is not easy, and a lot of people might never understand what solo parenting is really like. They might say things that annoy you or piss you off. They just don’t totally understand.

But don’t let them get you down. Figure out what works for you and your kids and do it, even if what you choose to do is different than the norm.

Find that me time

I know, it’s hard to find time for yourself but see what you can do. Things that have helped me along the way were hourly care on post, MOPS, PWOC, trading babysitting with friends, having family come and help, spending time on myself after the kids go to bed, and being able to say no sometimes. Taking care of ourselves is so important too, we can’t forget that in the midst of our solo parenting days.

So to the burned out solo parent, think of one thing you could do right now to help ease some of the stress. Write it down, make a plan to get it done, or ask a friend to help you. There are things you can do to make this part of military life a little bit easier.

How do you make things a little easier for yourself when you are in a season of solo parenting?

No, Your Military Man Doesn’t Need Money For Food

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No, Your Military Man Doesn't Need Money For Food

As a military spouse blogger, I get emails or messages from military girlfriends that are a little concerned about the military service member they are dating. There is something about the relationship that doesn’t sit right with them. Their gut is telling them something, and something just doesn’t feel 100% right.

The situation is usually that a woman has met someone online. This by itself isn’t strange in this day and age. A lot of people meet online, and many happy and successful marriages and relationships result from doing so, both in and out of the military.

But in this case, after meeting online, the woman is sent photos of a service member. She is led to believe she is now talking with or dating a member of the US military. They might have a name, backstory, and a history of military service.

Then, at some point, the service member asks her for money.

This is where things get tricky…

He might say the money is for food, or to take leave. There are many different reasons they might give. The problem with this is that someone who serves in the US military doesn’t need food for money or to take leave. This is provided for them.

No, Your Military Man Doesn't Need Money For Food

When my husband was deployed, he might have needed money for things like the internet, fun items, etc. But never for regular meals. The military provides those. The military paid for and sent him home on leave, I didn’t have to send anyone money to do so.

The scam works in different ways, but these “service members” want you, the unsuspecting girlfriend to send them money, or to even send money to a service. The amount they are asking for blows me away. It’s not just $10 here or there but into the hundreds or thousands.

If a woman gives into this scam, not only will she be out the money but also heartbroken over finding out that what they felt was a real relationship, really wasn’t.

Like I said before, there are honest and real service members out there, and some amazing relationships that have started from online dating. But there are also scammers and people who will lie and fake their way into getting what they want.

The online world is amazing but can allow people to take advantage of others. Learn how to protect yourself and stay away from the scammers!

  • If something seems off, it probably is. Trust your gut.
  • Don’t give money to anyone you don’t 100% trust. Especially if they keep asking. Especially if they are asking for thousands of dollars.
  • Remember, they don’t need money for food. They don’t need money to be sent home from a deployment. They don’t need money for a vaccine. They don’t need money to ship their belongings home.
  • A deployment doesn’t last years and years. If the person you are talking to is active duty, they should have a duty station, and then deploy different places. They would not be deployed for years and years, to anywhere. It just doesn’t work like that.
  • A commanding officer would never demand that they pay anything. They also will not talk with you about sending money.
  • If they refuse to video chat, even after you have been dating for a while, that can be a huge red flag. Even if they do talk to you on the phone.

The truth is these types of scammers try really hard to convince you that they are who they say they are. They steal photos of real service members. They try to use the right type of military lingo. But in the end, something is really off. Remember, if it seems sketchy, it probably is. Protect yourself and your money.

13 Memes About Military Spouse Friendship

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13 Memes About Military Spouse Friendship

13 Memes About Military Spouse Friendship

There is something about a military spouse friendship. We can be there for one another through all of our military challenges. From deployments to pcsing, friends will make this life easier.

Sometimes finding friends can take a long time, sometimes it happens right away. Here are some memes all about military spouse friendship. Enjoy!

Military friendships

I don’t like to say goodbye, I like to say see you later. It’s an easier thing to say. 

Military friendships

I love how we can meet and connect with others from all over the world during our time as a military spouse! 

Military friendships

One thing is clear, you will always have your memories.
Even if you don’t see your friends for a while, you always have the moments you spent together. 

Military friendships

Our friends will probably be from all over but that’s the best part. We can learn from one another’s experiences and share our own. 

Military friendships

Yes! We always need people we can be free to vent to about the deployment. We know we would do the same for them. 

Military friendships

Sometimes when you or your friend move, you will never live near each other again. But good friends, you stay together, even if you are no longer in the same time zone. 

Military friendships

Finding a good friend can change everything!

Military friendships

#4, calling a good friend can be a great thing to do during a bad deployment day!

Military friendships

That would be the best! Your spent 2008-2011 together in Italy and now you will spend 2017-2019 together in California. Thank you Military!

Military friendships

Keep putting yourself out there. You will eventually meet some good people to connect with. 

Military friendships

Being kind is a must. It makes you a good friend. 

Military friendships

This couldn’t be truer; friends are lucky to have. 

Military friendships

Sometimes it is hard to put yourself out there. Keep doing so. You never know who you might meet.

Here are some posts on friendship as a military spouse…

 What To Do When You Can’t Make Friends At Your New Duty Station!

10 Of The Best Places To Make Friends When You Are A Military Spouse

Finding Your Military Spouse Tribe

17 Quotes For This Fourth Of July

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17 Quotes For This Fourth Of July

It’s the 4th of July! A time to celebrate America’s freedom. A time for family and friends and BBQs and fireworks. This mid-summer celebration of our country’s birthday also can have a lot of emotion to it.

During the 4th of July, we think about our freedoms, where our country has been, and what to look towards in the future.

17 Quotes For This Fourth Of July

Here are 17 quotes all about the 4th of July and freedom:

“Great difficulties may be surmounted by patience and perseverance.”- Abigail Adams

“With freedom, books, flowers, and the moon, who could not be happy?” – Oscar Wilde

“Where liberty dwells, there is my country.” – Benjamin Franklin

“Freedom is not won on the battlefields. The chance for freedom is won there. The final battle is won or lost in our hearts and minds.” –Helen Gahagan Douglas

17 Quotes For This Fourth Of July

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams”- Eleanor Roosevelt

“Then join hand in hand, brave Americans all! By uniting we stand, by dividing we fall.” – John Dickinson

“Freedom is the open window through which pours the sunlight of the human spirit and human dignity.” – Herbert Hoover

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” – Declaration of Independence

17 Quotes For This Fourth Of July

“Our glorious diversity — our diversities of faiths and colors and creeds — that is not a threat to who we are, it makes us who we are,” –Michelle Obama

“This nation will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave.”- Elmer Davis

“And I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m free. And I won’t forget the men who died, who gave that right to me.” – Lee Greenwood

“Freedom has its life in the hearts, the actions, the spirit of men and so it must be daily earned and refreshed — else like a flower cut from its life-giving roots, it will wither and die.” – Dwight D. Eisenhower

17 Quotes For This Fourth Of July

“In the truest sense, freedom cannot be bestowed; it must be achieved.”– Franklin D. Roosevelt

“This, then, is the state of the union: free and restless, growing and full of hope. So it was in the beginning. So it shall always be, while God is willing, and we are strong enough to keep the faith.” – Lyndon B. Johnson

“Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.” – Abraham Lincoln

“America was not built on fear. America was built on courage, on imagination and an unbeatable determination to do the job at hand.”- Harry S. Truman

“It is the love of country that has lighted and that keeps glowing the holy fire of patriotism.” – J. Horace McFarland

To the Military Spouse That Can’t Do Military Life Anymore

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To the Military Spouse That Can't Do Military Life Anymore

He was gone again. I couldn’t believe it. I had just dropped my husband off for his 4th deployment. Another deployment, but this time, I wasn’t sure how I was going to get through.

Sure, I had done this before. And really, this deployment was only supposed to be six months long, that is less than half of how long some of our deployments had been. Why was I falling apart this time?

I took my then 8, 6 and 2-year-old boys home after saying goodbye. I got them interested in something and then sat on my bed. How was I going to do this? How was I going to get through?

That deployment broke me. Even before it started. My anxiety went through the roof. I wasn’t sure how we would get from where I was at the moment to homecoming. 

I ended up getting some extra help, which was needed. I was able to take that deployment one day at a time. And then, right before Christmas, my husband came home, and the deployment was over.

But I will never forget those six months. I will never forget how hard some of the nights were. I will never forget how broken I felt.

During that deployment, I started to feel like I was not strong enough to be a military spouse. I would look at my friends and other spouses, and I saw strength. A strength I didn’t think I had.

At times I wanted to tell my husband that I was sorry, that I couldn’t do it anymore. That we had given up too much and that I was done. 

I was done with deployments, I was done being the only parent in the house when my kids needed two, I was done with goodbyes, I was done with the hurt, I was done with the pain of being away from my husband.

I hit a wall, and I didn’t want to do military life anymore. I felt like I didn’t have it in me. I felt like everything was too much.

So to the military spouse who can’t do military life anymore, I get it. I have been there, and this is what I can tell you.

Some parts of military life as so frustratingly hard that it will feel like you can’t make it through, but you can.

There will be days you will have to ask for help, even if you don’t want to. The help might be asking a friend to watch your kids so you can get your grocery shopping done. The help might be asking your doctor if you should start to see a counselor. The help might be asking your MOPS friends to pray extra hard for you as you are going through something tough at the moment.

Some parts of military life as exciting. That post-deployment block leave where you get to spend weeks together? I love it. Moving to Hawaii or Germany, or even back to your hometown? Exciting. Making a new friend when you walk into an FRG meeting, a friend who will always now be a part of your life, that’s the best.

There will be times during your life as a military spouse that you will want to throw in the towel. That you will spend hours online looking at houses in your hometown because there is no way your husband can continue to do this. You will think that once that ETS day comes, everything will be better.

But then you watch your spouse see how much he loves being a soldier.

How that it is in his blood. How his dream of joining the military has come true. That finally, after five years of marriage, she has found a career she loves, and you know you have to stand by her.

You see, not everyone is in the military for 20+ years. For some, military life is merely a season. For others, it is a lifetime commitment. You and your spouse will need to talk about what the plan is. You will need to share your worries and struggles.

But military spouse, know this, if the person you married feels they need to be in the military, you will be able to handle whatever comes your way.

I know it might not always seem like it. I know that some days will be a lot harder than others. But trust me, you will be able to do what you need to do.

We get frustrated when people tell us “I could never do it” when it comes to military life, but the truth is, we do it because we love and support our spouse. We do it because we love our country and want the best for it.

We do it because we know that we are meant to be with this person, and this person is meant to be in the military. 

So to the military spouse who can’t do military life anymore, know that you genuinely can. Maybe for you, military life will be over in a few years. Maybe military life will be over when you are in your 50s. Either way, you can do this.

Take this military life one day at a time, one hour if you need to. Look for military spouse support, at your duty station, through your friends, and online. Find a way to make it through because you have to, because you want to, because it is how you will figure out how to make being a military spouse work.

Have you ever felt like you couldn’t do military life anymore? What did you do to break out of feeling that way? 

A Military Dad

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He wakes up early, leaving his sleeping children. He has to get to work.

He puts on his uniform and stares at the calendar, they were running out of days.

He knows he has to go, he knows this is his duty, but saying goodbye to those kids isn’t going to be easy.

He packs his bag and sees his wife crying. He wishes this wasn’t going to be so hard for her. He never thought she would have to go through so many parenting seasons alone.

He promises to write. He promises to call. He hopes he won’t be forgotten.

And then it is time to say goodbye…

A Military Dad

He hugs those boys and knows how much they will grow when he is gone. He tries not to think about that, but it is right there in his mind. Being away for so many months at a time is a part of this life that makes everything so hard.

He has a sense of duty to his country. To go. To fight. To make a difference.

He has a sense of duty to his family. To his wife. To his kids.

And sometimes, he can’t do both at the same time. Sometimes he has to go away, and do his job, and try to be there for his family across the miles.

And other times he does get to be home. To make memories. To be able to be a dad in person, not just on a screen.

He wonders if his kids will remember this. He wonders if they will hate him for leaving because they don’t understand. He wonders if things will be weird when he gets back home.

And after months away, he struggles. He loves his kids but he doesn’t know them like he would if he never went away. He loves his family but being so far from home is so hard.

He focuses on the job, on the mission, on his duty. He tries not to dwell on what he is missing but on what he is helping to protect. He tries every day to be the best soldier he can knowing he also needs to be the best father he can be at the same time.

And time goes by…he misses those kids. He misses so much. The first steps, the first words, the first moments. He hopes he doesn’t miss much more, but with years left serving in the military, he knows he might.

And then it is time to go home. To get out of this place, and be back where he belongs. With his wife, and his kids. But he worries.

Has he been gone too long? Will his three-year-old remember the trips to the park before he left? Will the one-year-old bond with him as his brother did? Will his wife be okay after so many months of solo parenting?

And the plane lands and the deployment is over. He sees them, right away. She is wearing a blue dress, and the boys match one another. His oldest is holding a sign. He can’t wait for the moment he can hug and kiss all of them.

But they have to wait and he has to stay stoic. He sees his family but he can’t crack a smile. Not yet.

Then it is time, they are free to go and he runs to her and the boys. And they hug and kiss and all feels right in the world. Those boys, those kids, they have missed him so much but he is back.

And they drive home together and everything is different at home. And yet, nothing is different. This is his family and they still love him so much. As the days pass, there might be struggles, but he is home, where his heart is.

He isn’t used to the new bedtime. He isn’t used to a toddler. He isn’t used to this new normal. But they will work through everything.

And this soldier, he may have to deploy again, and there might be more times apart. But no matter where he goes or how far away he might be, these are his kids and they will always love him.