They walk away, they have to. The time has come for them to leave.

To deploy. To head overseas. To do what they have trained to do.

We stay behind, we know we have to. We have to stay strong, even if that is hard. We have to be the ones at home, holding everything together.

You second guess in moments like these. Should he have really joined the military? Should I have really married into this?

As you stand at the start of one long deployment, you wonder how you even got there…

Time goes by, and the days pass. Cross one off, then another. One week at a time.

You hold it together. You have to. For the kids. For yourself. For them.

You talk every other day, sometimes every day, sometimes you have to go longer.

You remind yourself that things are much better now. You remind yourself having a spouse off at war used to mean just letters, now you have so much more. But even that reminder doesn’t make them seem closer.

As you start off that one long deployment, you find yourself in a weird place, and wonder if anyone else can understand.

Can they understand the deployment ache? The feeling that something is missing, even if you are having a good day? Do they understand how that feels?

Can they understand the sadness that can come, knowing this is your life, knowing there will be more deployments?

Can they understand how yes, you did choose this, but no, you really had no idea what military life would be like? That you really didn’t know how your emotions would play out?

As you get through that one long deployment, you wonder if there is anyone else you can connect with, anyone else who is going through the same thing?

You go to the FRG, you go to the local playgroups, you join a book club. At first you are not so sure. Can these other spouses relate? And then you find that yes, some of them can.

You make plans, you are going to help each other through. You find your people. Others who get deployments. Others who can truly understand.

You find yourself in a place of almost contentment. Yes, your spouse is gone. Yes, they are deployed, but you are finding your way.

This one long deployment is halfway over, and you feel as though you have gone through so many different phases since they left. You were heartbroken, you were sad, and now you have found a place of peace, but can you stay that way?

As time moves on, you feel the up and down of the deployment. The good days, the bad days. The hard days, the easier ones.

You have worries. Will they get extended like they did last time? Will they happen to come home early? Will they be changed when they do come home?

Staying busy is key, you know this, but some days, you don’t want to do anything. You want to take a day off. Take a day off of a deployment? That’s not even possible.

As you round each corner, you think about how much this one long deployment has taught you. How much you have learned. How you have grown.

You are more independent now. You have figured out how to be, because it was the only way.

You have more strength than you did before. What seemed impossible is now possible. And you hope some of that is rubbing off on your kids.

You look towards the finish line and wonder what homecoming will really be like. Is homecoming like the videos you have seen on the news? Is it as happy as they want you to think it is? What if there is more below the surface?

And then you find yourself at the end of this one long deployment. You have less than a month, then less than a week and time stands still. The calendar doesn’t want to move.

And you feel ready, so ready for this deployment chapter to be over in your life. You are so ready for normal again. To be a full family.

You know that you have both changed. You knew that going in. And you hope and pray the first few days, weeks, and months together can be a time of healing.

You get together with your friends. You make homecoming signs. You share your after deployment plans.

And then the day comes, the one you have been waiting for, this one long deployment is finally over. You have your homecoming outfit, that’s ready, but are you? You are full of emotions and as nervous as you were before your first date.

You get the kids ready, and head in your car. You can’t eat, you can’t do much of anything but focus on the task ahead. You park the car and head to the gym to wait.

And you wait…as if you haven’t done enough waiting but this time the waiting is different. This time you are waiting just a short amount of time, maybe a few hours. You made it through months apart, you can handle a few hours.

You are thankful your friends are surrounding you, even if some of their spouses already made it home. Being in the last group is difficult, but you did it and now you are here.

As you sit and wait, you think about this one long deployment and everything you have been through. You think about your highs and lows. You think about the good and the bad.

And then it is time. It is time. It is time. It is time.

Everyone stands up, with smiles on their faces. The doors open and it is time!

You look for them, in the sea of green. You find them, so serious, still in soldier mode.

They see you, you know they do but they can’t react, not yet. And you wait and then you don’t have to anymore. And then they are in your arms again. And you did it…

You survived this one long deployment. You made it to the finish line. You found a way through and got to the other side.

When Your Spouse Deploys

When you are married to a soldier, you know the time will come; you know that they will eventually deploy. If they haven’t yet, you know they will and while you might know this is all coming, hearing those words are never easy.

They come home from work one day, walk in the door, and by the look on their face, you know what they are going to say.

There have been rumors, the other military spouses talk. You knew a deployment might happen, but you hoped they wouldn’t leave until next year. When your kids were not as young, when you had less on your plate, when the timing seemed better.

But is there ever a good time for a deployment?

“I have some news,” he says. “What is it?” You say, now is not the time to beat around the bush.

“We are deploying.”

“Okay.” You are not sure how to respond. You are shocked. You are not shocked. You want more details, and so you ask for them. He tells you that it will probably be in June, next June, unless they send him early in May, or even April and there is a slight chance he won’t have to go until late July, even August.

Your brain tries to go to the next year. Wasn’t that when you were finally going to take the kids to Disneyworld? Guess that will have to wait. You also wanted to start school? Go back and finish your degree, but is a deployment the right time to do so? Maybe, maybe not.

“Okay,” you say, because you can’t say anything else, you are still trying to process everything.

You are still trying to figure out what you are going to do and how you are going to get to a place where you can handle this.

“It’s still four months away,” he says. And you know that. He isn’t leaving tomorrow. You still have plenty of time. But you also know that time will go by too fast, as it always does. That four months isn’t that long.

You are now in pre-deployment mode, even if the deployment doesn’t seem real. Your emotions change, you start to feel like you are more in survival mode than you were before. You worry more about the kids, calculating how old they will be when he leaves and when he is supposed to get home.

And then time passes. He starts to get his things together. Army stuff everywhere. You don’t want it in your living room, but that is where he has to pack.

And one day, his Army stuff is gone. And you know he will soon follow.

It’s now the week before the deployment. He is leaving. Earlier than you wanted, later than he first said. You were able to squeeze so many memories in the last few months, but were they enough? Are they ever enough? The kids know he is going; you don’t know how hard the deployment will be for them.

You pray for your spouse, for patience, for relief from the pain this deployment brings. You know you can get through this time apart, but how many times will it feel like you can’t? How many breakdowns will you have during the months he is away?

Then the week turns into just a couple of days and then it is the night before. What do you do the night before they deploy? And then it is the day of. You wake up too early, can you sleep through this day?

No, this is the day you say goodbye. The day the countdown begins.

And then it is time to get into the car, you try not to cry, but the tears are right there. You have decided that you simply can’t stay until he leaves. You will say your goodbyes and take the kids back home. That is what works best for you and your family.

And then you give him that one last hug, one last kiss, one last goodbye. You are committed to doing this; you will not walk away, you hope this deployment makes your marriage stronger.

When you get home from dropping them off, you think about all the things he will miss, and that is when the waterworks flow. You worry about their safety and hope you can find a way to calm your fears.

When your spouse deploys, you will find a way to make it through. Through those lonely nights, through the time apart, and through everything that comes your way.

If you have just started a deployment, or in the middle of one, make sure to check out my deployment posts and join my Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life Facebook group. Deployment support is out there.

 

To the Military Spouse Starting Their First Deployment This Year

With a new year brings a lot of promise. We can’t help but think of all the things we will achieve, all the ways we will grow, and all the fun we will have. But for those with a deployment in the near future, things aren’t quite as exciting. Instead of looking ahead to the potential a new year can bring, there is dread. Instead of being happy about the new year, there is sadness, thinking about everything their spouse will miss.

If you are a military spouse starting your first deployment this year, know that what you are feeling is normal. Deployments are scary, and if you have never been through one before, you have no idea what to expect. You might be worried you won’t be able to make it through, you might be concerned your children will not understand, you might not see how you can say goodbye to the person you promised your life to.

The reality of saying goodbye for a deployment is that somehow, you do it. You drive them to where they need to go, you hug and kiss goodbye, and then you go home. And while you might do all of this with tears in your eyes, you will somehow find yourself in a place where you are ready to take on the months ahead.

So, to the military spouse starting your first deployment this year, make sure you are prepared for when they leave.

Figure out what you might need to make it through the time apart. Talk to your spouse about expectations, how to handle your finances, and anything else that is important to the two of you. You can never be 100% prepared for a deployment, but you can do things to make the transition a little easier.

Make sure to figure out a way to make friends at your current duty station.

I know that making friends is hard to do. Not everyone is nice. Not everyone gets you. But finding at least a couple of people to go through this deployment with will make the deployment easier. You will have people to walk through this hardship with and that is a good thing. Get out there and connect with groups and events at your duty station. They might have a lot going on that you can take part in and eventually meet people who will become your friends.

If you have an FRG, try to connect with them.

FRGs are not always the best, there can be a lot of drama, but sometimes the FRG is going to be the place to go to get through this. These are the spouses that doing EXACTLY what you are doing, for the same amount of time. If nothing else, maybe you can find a few other spouses through the FRG to meet for coffee once a week or get your kids together for a playdate. Don’t write off the FRG before a deployment just because you have heard they can have issues.

Buy a journal, write in it often.

Writing in your journal can be an excellent way to express yourself during the upcoming deployment. The journal would be a place to vent out about a bad day, complain about whatever is bothering you, and write our your feelings on everything that is going on. No one has to read what you write, not even your spouse. The journal is just for you and having one can be a good tool to have during your deployment.

Once the deployment starts, you can begin your countdown.

One day down means another day closer to them being home. There is something about the pre-deployment period that makes life difficult. You are both so stressed out about what is going to happen, that sometimes, once they leave and your countdown begins, you can feel a lot more in control of the situation. Know that no matter how many deployment days you see ahead of you, each day is a step forward and getting through each day can be a cause for celebration.

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As you look at the rest of your year, not sure how things are going to go, know that there is support out there for you and your situation. From blog posts to websites, to books, to Facebook groups, to groups at your duty station. From a good friend you can hang out with a few times a week to a family member, you can call on your hardest days. Find the support that works for you and know that deployments eventually end and your spouse will be back with you again.

What are your best tips for getting through a deployment? 

 

Why Military Spouses Should Keep a Journal, Especially During a Deployment

Have you ever been mad at the military? I know I have. What is the best thing to do in that situation? Venting about it to my friends can help, but in the end, there is nothing anyone can do to help my situation. The Army did what the Army does, and there isn’t anything I can do to change that.

So out comes my journal, and I write all about how angry I am at the Army, how unfair I feel this decision was, and how I wish things were better. No one will ever read what I wrote, and I feel better about dealing with the situation.

Other times, especially during a deployment, I have missed my husband so much I couldn’t get it together. Out came my journal, and I started to write. I let everything out. How sad I was, how frustrated I was, how I wish things were different.

Sitting down with my journal is very therapeutic. Just to get things out, to write out what I am feeling, to express myself in that way, it helps.

There are many different tips about how to get through a deployment, writing in a journal is one of them and with good reason. There are so many benefits to doing so.

Writing in a journal can help with your stress and anxiety. If you struggle with anxiety, you know how it can be hard to get others to understand. Your journal doesn’t judge. Your journal lets you talk about what is going on, even if you feel you are alone in what you are struggling with.

Writing in a journal can help you put things in perspective. Sometimes what we most worry about can be dealt with by thinking about the big picture. A journal can help you see what that is.

Writing in a journal is relaxing. You can make journal writing apart of your routine. Grab a cup of coffee, grab your journal, and write a little before your kids wake up or get home from school. Pull out your journal before bed each night. Your journal can become a comfort item for you.

Writing in a journal allows you to record your days. Having a record of your day to day can be fun. As your children grow up, you can look back at what life was like two years ago, five years, or even ten. Journaling can also be a good way to remember what happened when your spouse was gone so you can share with them later.

Writing in a journal allows you to reflect on what you have been through. Since I have journaled through every deployment, I can look back at the first week, the first month, how I felt after R&R, or even how I felt that last week. Reading back reminds me how difficult things were and what I was able to accomplish when my husband was gone.

When I went to see a counselor during our 4th deployment, she told me to journal three pages every day to help. And that is what I tried to do. Writing in my journal was the best way to get my stress and anxiety out. I tried to do that to get myself in a better place, and journaling helped get me there.

I am a big fan of paper journals. There are so many cute ones out there and picking a new one is always a fun thing to do. Other people keep a journal on their computers. It doesn’t matter. Just find a way that works for you.

If you have never journaled before, give it a try. You might find it works well and can help you through your next deployment. No one will read what you write, and no one will judge you for what you have to say.

Do you keep a journal???