Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Life as a Military spouse

When Military Life Isn’t Fair

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When Military Life Isn't Fair

Military life isn’t fair. It really isn’t.

One of the mistakes I made going into this life was thinking military life might be fair. I know life isn’t fair but I guess I just assumed that the Military would be. The military is structured and organized, right?

I thought that if you turned your paperwork in on time, you would get a quick response. Nope. Sometimes you have to wait because so and so went on a two-week vacation. Other times your paperwork gets lost or sent to the wrong department. You really have to be on top of what needs to get done.

We stopped getting our BAH once because we didn’t send in a rental agreement, only no one told us we needed to, and figuring out what the was problem took some time.

I thought that if you went through one deployment, you would get a break on the next one. Nope. How often they deploy depends on the unit and luck. Two soldiers can enlist the exact same day in the exact same MOS and have a completely different career path.

You can control some of this, but not everything. Sometimes what happens is just random and that is hard to get over when you think there should be some sort of fairness to this type of life. I learned that fairness has no place in a deployment schedule. Or in military life in general. That is just the way it tends to work.

Through the years I have learned that sometimes you just have to hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

I have learned that you just can’t plan everything out based on what you think should happen. You can’t even plan based on what has happened in your spouse’s career in the past. Things change a lot and you really just have to go with the flow.

I am such a planner. I want to know what is going on, what time it is going on, where it will be happening and what I need to do to prepare. Military life makes this hard sometimes. Often times you get little notice for something.

Some military families only get a short notice before they have to move. Others go through the deploying one week, not deploying the next to end up deploying anyways. The whiplash is hard to take. And can happen over and over again.

I had to let go of the idea that everything will lead to a nicely wrapped future. I don’t think that is true for anyone. If I could go back in time and tell myself anything it would be that.

I would tell myself that things will happen that I have no control over and that I just have to roll with the changes. I think life would have been a little bit easier if I had realized that in the beginning. This was a hard lesson for me to learn, but over the years, as I became a more seasoned military spouse, I started to understand the realities of military life.

If you are new to Military life and you are already feeling the unfairness of it all, take a step back.

Realize that military life is going to be this way sometimes. That the best thing to do is try to roll with what is going on, vent to those who understand, and figure out a way to get through the difficult situation.

Look for the good benefits that this life brings, they are there. If it wasn’t for the Military, I wouldn’t have met the friends I did or traveled to the places I was able to go. I would be a different person and I am not sure I would be as strong.

Try not to be jealous of others. Be happy for them because you never know what might happen in the future. Try to enjoy the journey as best you can. Find friends who get what you are going through, depend on family who wants to help you, and try to support others when you can.

Military life isn’t far, even if you think that it should be. Military life is filled with twists and turns, ups and downs, good times, and bad. You just have to work to find a way to make this life work for you, even if that means taking all the struggles one day at a time.

It’s Okay Military Spouse, It’s Really Okay, I Have Been There

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It's Okay Military Spouse, It's Really Okay, I Have Been There

When you first became a military spouse, you may have wondered how in the world you were going to one, figure everything out, and two, get through everything you would have to get through. You might look to other more seasoned military spouses and wondered what their journeys might have been like and if they can all relate to what you are going through.

The truth is, while we might all have our own military paths, we military spouses can relate to one another. We have been through hard things. We have had to figure out how to become more independent than we may have ever thought we would have to be. We had to get creative sometimes and figure out ways to make it through.

If you are a new military spouse, or maybe going through something new during military life that scares you, know that it’s okay Military Spouse, it’s really okay and I have been there.

I have waited months and months to see my husband because of paperwork.

I have given birth without my husband in the same country.

I have missed best friends getting married and having babies because of the Army.

I have had to say goodbye to my husband more than once not knowing if I would ever see him again and if I did if he would be the same person that I married.

I have had to watch as friends got that knock. The one that changed their lives forever.

I have had to watch friends as the husband they loved and adored become a completely different person because of PTSD and decided he no longer wanted to be with them or their children anymore.

I have said goodbye to friends that have become like family to me and know I might not ever see them again.

I have had to sit and wonder during a blackout knowing that my husband was probably okay but also not knowing why the blackout was going on.

I have sat with a group of wives while our children played and we tried to figure out how we would get through the next 3-4 months of a deployment that was supposed to have ended the month before.

I have been through the lonely nights, the jealousy of knowing our civilian friends have never had to go longer than a few days without their spouses, of being mom and dad to the kids, of comforting sad children that just want their Dad at a soccer game.

I have been through the situations that come with military life and although going through them made me a stronger person, I do wonder what I would be like if I hadn’t had to deal with all of this. I wonder if some of my struggles and what I personally have to work on are because of the years of war and I am not really sure what I can do with all of that.

Because life as a military spouse is up and down.

Because life as a military spouse is so much harder than anyone could ever predict.

Because life as a military spouse can be filled with so many twists and turns, ones that you might never have thought about before.

So if you are a military spouse feeling alone, like you are not the only one. You are not.

If you feel like your emotions are all over the place…know that so many of us have been through that too.

If you feel like you aren’t cut out for this life, know that so many of us have felt that too, wondering how all of it will play out.

If you feel like you are hanging on the edge, reach out for help, to other military spouses, organizations, or counselors.

As military spouses, we are asked to sacrifice so much, and that is never going to be easy. As military spouses, we might feel like we are never going to catch a break. As military spouses might feel defeated when we just want to feel strong.

But as a military spouse, something we don’t have to feel is alone.

We are a community, and we can work together to get through the hard stuff and celebrate the good stuff.

We are a community and can help one another out, either at our same duty station, or 1,000 miles away.

We are a community, and each of us loves the service member we decided to spend our lives with, even if it means that hardships will follow.

We take the good and the bad, and figure out how to make this life work.

It’s okay Military Spouse, it’s really okay and I have been there. And so have so many others that have come before. Remember this, and you will never have to walk the military spouse road alone.

A Military Spouse For All Seasons

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It’s fall! As I look out the window I can see the colors of the trees. I love how beautiful the fall in Tennessee is. Watching the leaves change is also a reminder of a new season approaching and the old one letting go.

As military spouses, our lives can be broken up into seasons. At first, we are a new spouse, asking all the questions. Then we become more seasoned and find ourselves offering advice.

We go through seasons of deployment, then reintegration, and then deployment once again. Hoping that we can take what we have learned from the past and apply it to the future. Hoping the next deployment is a little easier, even if deployments don’t work that way.

We go through seasons of pcsing. Our spouse gets orders to a new place. We research and learn as much as we can. We prepare and countdown the days. Then moving day arrives and we travel to our new home.

At first, we don’t know where anything is and have to ask for directions to the PX. But time passes and we find our community. We find our place. Knowing that there will be another PCS again in the future.

We go through seasons of “normal” life when our spouse comes home from work just like other spouses do. We spend the weekends together as a family, and life just goes on. But we can’t completely relax because we know things can and will change again in the future.

We find new friends and get to know one another, getting excited about what we have in common. If we are lucky we can spend years together, knowing one day the military will cause us to have to part. But we cherish the time we have together as much as we can because we know how quickly things can change.

As the seasons change, so do our lives. We might live in the south, soaking up the humidity, and swatting away the bugs, and the next year we will be sitting by a fire in Germany, wondering when the snow will actually melt.

The seasons with our kids change as well. That first deployment we might have babies, and by the fifth one, teenagers. No two deployments are the same and this is one of the biggest reasons why. The seasons of our lives have changed and so do our challenges.

As you go through these changes, remember, the bad seasons do not last forever and through them, there are so many lessons for us to learn. During the easier seasons of life, we might be able to reach out and help others on their own military journey.

If you are sick of your duty station, don’t worry, seasons will change and you will be on the move once again.

If you are sick of a deployment, remember, the days do pass and you will be at the end, and into a new season of them being home.

If you are struggling with your kids, struggling with work, or struggling in general, you can find ways to help. You can figure out what you can do to make life a little easier. And you can remember that this is just a season in your life, and things won’t always be this way.

I know this fall season that I love will pass quickly. One day I will look up at the trees and see most of them have lost their colors. I will start needing a jacket everywhere I go, and might even see some snowflakes. This will be a reminder to me that seasons change in the world, just like they do in my military life.

What season are you going through right now?

9 Times You Just Have to Laugh During Military Life

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9 Times You Just Have to Laugh During Military Life

When faced with a difficult situation, sometimes the only thing to do is laugh. Sometimes during military life, you will feel like what you are going through is so ridiculous, that you can’t even get upset. Plus, laughter really is the best medicine.

Here are 9 times you just have to laugh during military life:

1. When your spouse gets orders to a place you said you never wanted to go.

If you have ever said, “I just don’t ever want to be stationed X,” and then the military gives your spouse orders for X, you just kinda have to laugh. And maybe not say that again in the future. They are listening.

2. When you make friends in the strangest places

You are probably assuming you are going to go out there and make friends through your kid’s soccer team, or even the FRG meeting. But sometimes, we make friends in the strangest ways. From connecting with another spouse who has also been waiting over an hour at the doctor’s office, to someone who is from your home state, who you instantly connect with just because of that.

3. When you accidentally hand the gate guard your credit card

If you haven’t done this before, you probably will eventually. And when you do, hopefully, your gate guard has a sense of humor and makes a funny joke about your mistake. Then you can share with your friends and laugh together.

4. When the homecoming date gets changed so many times, you just give up and hope they are home before your next birthday

It’s so hard when the homecoming date gets changed but at some point, you just have to laugh. Dear military, get things together and bring my spouse home already! Thanks!

5. When people think your life is just like the show Army Wives

No, nope, no, no, no. Just like any show based on any career path, say Grey’s Anatomy, things are pretty much only sorta true sometimes, and usually very wrong. Now you can let the person now how different military really is.

6. When you told someone you could never do a thing and the military makes you do a thing

There are so many times this has happened to me. From PCSing overseas to going through another deployment. At one time I even said that I could never solo parent. Truth is, you can do more than you think you can. That’s how we get through military life.

7. When your friend from Fort Bragg becomes your friend at Fort Campbell

This is a fun experience to laugh about. Sometimes you might make a friend at one duty station, and then surprise, five years later, they can be your friends at another. In some ways, your service member’s branch isn’t as big as you think it is and you can be reunited with people you really love. Thank you Military!

8. When people ask when you will be able to visit home again

Hahahaha…if only they knew how hard that was. Between deployments, a PCS, and the cost of airfare, it’s hard to know if and when you can visit. Plans always seem to change and nothing is certain until after the fact. Maybe it is better if your family comes and visits you?

9. When things work out the way they are supposed to

One time, my husband’s R&R was changed, and I had to cancel a trip to Walt Disney World. On the other hand, that meant his R&R was over our anniversary and we were able to plan an amazing anniversary trip. I couldn’t believe how it worked out. You almost have to laugh that everything worked out the way it did. Although I am still waiting to go to Walt Disney World, so…

I hate being stressed out all the time. And yet, that is my natural reaction to a lot of what happens in the military life. That is why I think it is important to laugh when you can. Laugh at the little things, laugh at the big things, and work towards a more balanced life.

What makes you laugh about military life???

When Your Spouse Wants to Join the Military, But You Are Not So Sure

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So your spouse is thinking of joining the military?

When Your Spouse Wants to Join the Military, But You Are Not So Sure

When I married my husband, the Army was a part of his past. He had served in the military when he was younger, and that was before my time. He had stories and photos, and that was about it. We were married as civilians and started our life together.

But the funny thing about life is you never know where you might end up. You never know where the road might take you. And even though I married my husband not thinking about being a military spouse, a few years later, that’s exactly what I became.

After being married for over three years, my husband re-joined the Army, and we became a military family. Everything seemed to change when that happened. Everything about our future, our children and future children, and how our life would play out changed.

Now, some military spouses marry their service member after they have already joined the military. Some get married right when they joined. But there are many of us who were with their service member before they decided to join.

You may be in a place where your spouse or partner is thinking about joining the military. And this is making you a bit nervous. They want to join the military but you are not totally sure. The military is a whole new world and you could be having a few reservations about the decision to join.

This is totally normal. Joining the military can lead to some major changes in your life. When your spouse signs up for the military, you might have to move far away, you might have to find a new job, and your life might feel like it has been turned upside down.

The truth is, if you are already together before the military, you both need to be a part of the decision to join. You need to have discussions about what joining will mean, and how life might have to change. Because, yes, life is going to change.

Here are a few things you can do if your spouse has decided they want to join the military or if they are starting to ask questions about the process:

Ask your questions

Don’t be afraid to ask questions. You might have some fears or worries about what military life will be like, and it is best to seek out answers. The more you know about what you are getting into, the better.

Have some serious discussions about what your spouse has in mind when they join the military. Will this be a big career change or something they want to try for a few years? Sometimes, they might not even know but feel they need to at least try it to find out.

Remember, everyone’s military life looks different

Before my husband joined the military, I thought I had an idea of what our years as a military family would look like. But I never could have predicted the reality.

You can talk to other military spouses about their experiences to get an idea of what to expect, but keep in mind that your reality might be different. Even the amount of times your spouse will be deployed during a given amount of time can be all over the place based on what is going on in the world, your spouse’s job in the military, and where they are stationed.

You are stronger than you think

One of the biggest lessons I have learned as a military spouse of almost 16 years is that I am much stronger than I think I am. When this whole journey started, I didn’t think I could ever be a solo parent. I found the idea impossible.

But I realized quickly that what once has seemed impossible was actually possible. Is it always easy? No, solo parenting is very challenging and some days, it does feel impossible. But us military spouses get through those times. We have to.

So while you might fear that you are not capable of this, you might actually be able to get through the challenging parts of military life. We rarely feel we can conquer the mountains of military life, but we do.

Plan to make friends

If your spouse does go on to join the military, plan to make friends. You will need them. These other spouses who get how a deployment might go, or what moving every three years is really like.

As you join the military community you will be able to find mentors and other seasoned spouses who have been there. You will be able to connect with others and find your own “battle buddies.” You will make memories with these other military spouses, and they will become the best part of your military life.

Take it all day by day

In many parts of military life, you will have to take things day by day. This starts from day one when they leave for basic training.

There is so much to this life, and so many changes, that each day can be different from the next.

Try not to sweat all the small things, and look forward to the future. There are so many amazing parts to being a military spouse. Military life is truly the good mixed with the bad.

If your spouse wants to join the military, take this request seriously. Talk things over, and see if this is something you can support your spouse on.

Each family is different, and joining the military might not be the best choice for every family. But if you and your spouse decide that joining is the right choice, know you have a big community of other military spouses out there to help you through. You got this!

How You Know You Are a Military Spouse

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How you know you are a military spouse

How You Know You Are a Military Spouse

Here is how you know you are a military spouse…

When you have no idea when you will see your spouse again, it could be May; it could be September, who knows?

When you have no idea what your spouse’s co-worker’s first names are.

how you know you are a military spouse

When you are up for any adventure, even though it scares you to death.

When you always have two IDs on you, military and your driver’s license.

When your driver’s license is not for the state you live in, and your license plate doesn’t match either.

How you know you are a military spouse

When a two-week training is a fun time to catch up on Call the Midwife and not a big deal compared to all the other times you have had to be apart.

When your grocery shopping plans are based on the 1st and the 15th and if you feel brave enough to go to the commissary on those days.

When you only write dates down in your planner in pencil, because you know they will always change.

When you laugh at the thought of going out to dinner with you friends and putting your phones away. That would never work in your military spouse circles.

how you know you are a military spouse

When you get excited to find out a friend from two duty stations ago is moving to your current installation.

When you can’t bring up the FRG without hearing about how wonderful it can be and how horrible it can be, by different people.

When the “sandbox” has nothing to do with the place your kids play when you are at the park.

When 21:00 or 14:30 is not confusing to you.

When you know that saying goodbye won’t ever get any easier.

When you have curtains that won’t fit on any of your windows, but you can’t get rid of them because you are moving next summer, and they could work in your new home.

When your future depends on one person signing a piece of paperwork in a timely manner.

how you know you are a military spouse

When you say, “see you later” even if you worry you might not see that person again. Saying, “goodbye” would be harder.

When you have given birth without your husband at least once or have ever had the worry that you might have to do so.

When you love wine, coffee, and diet Dr. Pepper, or at least two of the three.

When your life is very different than you ever thought it would be.

When you have been asked at least once if your life is like they show on Army Wives.

When none of your children have been born in the same state.

When none of your children have been born in the same country.

how you know you are a military spouse

When “war” means so much more than just what you read about in the history books.

When the thought of giving up Facebook makes you cringe since most of your family and friends do not live near you.

When you don’t know what it is like to live near your family.

When you know the difference between MWR, DEERS, and PCS.

When you are super thankful for any military discount a company is willing to give out.

When you realize you are a part of an incredible group of people, who also understand what it is like to miss someone so much, to give up so much, and to be the people who support those that have volunteered to serve our country and keep it safe.

What would you add to this list???

So What Can You Do When Military Life Gets Too Hard?

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Military life is a rollercoaster. You will have your good days and your bad ones. You will have highs and you will have lows. You will be waiting for orders for months and months and then you get them and before you know it you are on a plane headed to your next duty station.

It’s a strange way to live your life, always waiting and then not waiting and hoping and crying and then laughing. Your emotions are all over the place.

When you hit a difficult season of Military life, it can be hard to know what to do. You want to think positively, but doing so is hard. You want to keep busy, but all you really want to do is hide in your bed. You want to remember that this too shall pass but all you see is more lonely nights, more frustrating days, and years of feeling like your life can never be normal again.

So what do you do when you hit this point? What can you do to get out of it?

Find Friends

Find your friends. Maybe you don’t feel like you can see them in person, or maybe they live too far away. You can still connect.

Send a text message, schedule a friend’s Zoom call, or make plans to meet up sometime in the future.

Friends are a must during military life. They can get you through the hard times, and help you make memories together. And they can pull you out when you are feeling like the military is just too much to handle.

Journal Journal Journal

If you don’t already keep a journal, why not start? Pick out a new journal, and just start writing. You can make it the way you want, and just write out your feelings.

The best thing about journaling is that no one can judge what you write. And putting things down on paper can help you get to a better place. A journal is a must during a deployment, or anytime the military is driving you crazy.

Remember the Past

Remember what you have been through before. A long deployment? A move to a place you never wanted to go? And think about how you got through all of that.

When you remember what you have been through, it makes it easier to go through something else in the future. You are strong, and you can look back and see evidence of that. You might just need a reminder.

What CAN You Change

In the end, you have to figure out what YOU can change and what YOU have control over. So many times in military life we as spouses have zero control, but that doesn’t mean we just have to live with everything the way that it is.
What can we do to make things a little bit easier back at home? What changes can we make to our daily schedules? Once you start looking at what you can change, and work on those things, it makes it a little easier to accept the things you can’t.

Have you ever felt like Military life was a little too much at times? What have you done to get through it?

What to Think About Before You Marry a Service Member

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What to Think About Before You Marry a Service Member

Whatever situation you are in or whatever situation you have been in, you did have to make the decision to become a military spouse. You had to decide that YES, you wanted to spend your life with someone who is in the military. That YES, you wanted your future to include the military.

So, what does being married to someone in the military mean? What would life be like to marry your boyfriend who is now a soldier? What does it mean when your husband of five years wants to join the Marines?

What would it mean to marry the person you are in love with knowing that marrying them meant moving across the country and living as a military spouse?

Here are some things you need to think about when trying to make this decision:

Saying Goodbye Will Be A Part Of Your Life

No matter who you are or what type of military spouse you are, you will have to say goodbye and often. You will have to sleep alone. You will have to wait for orders and your future.

This is all a part of military life. How long they are gone and how often they will go can vary but the truth is, you will have to say goodbye to your spouse on a regular basis. And it is not an easy thing to do.

You Will Have To Be Away From Home

If your spouse is going to be going Active duty military, you most likely will have to move away from home. In some cases, you can try to stay if your home is near a military installation or if your spouse does some type of duty that allows him to live close by to where you are from.

However, in most cases, you will not be able to stay there for their entire career and you will have to move away. You could end up across the country, across the world, or just the next state over. You never really know and sometimes you don’t get a say, especially as they move up in rank.

The Kid Thing

Ahh, kids. When you are thinking about the future and having kids, do you think about how your spouse might not be there? It’s a sad reality that they might miss your pregnancy, the birth, and the 1st year.

They could miss the terrible 2s or kindergarten. They could miss out on so much and sometimes there is nothing you can do about that but accept that. Can you handle that?

Here is a secret. You might think you can’t handle that, but…you might be surprised what you can do when you love a member of the military.

I thought I couldn’t do that part of military life, not at first. In the end, I have been able to get through it, and at some points, it was even harder than I thought. But in the end, I just do what I have to do.

Some military couples don’t plan to have kids while in the military. Their plan is to have them later on in life and that is an option as well. But that also depends on how long they want to stay in and when the couple wants to start their family.

Solo parenting is quite challenging, but you will find that you are not alone when you have to do it. So many military spouses will be solo parenting with you, which makes things a bit easier.

The “D” Word

Your spouse might deploy for just a few months at a time. They might deploy for a year. They might have to deploy off and on for years.

There is no way to sugar coat a deployment. They are rough, from the pre-deployment stage to after they come home and everyone tries to get back to normal life. If there are no deployments, there will be trainings or other reasons they have to go away for weeks or months at a time.

The Community

I have talked about the difficult parts of military life. The parts that make it hard to want to commit to this life. The reasons some people get out of the military before they thought they would. But what about the good things about military life?

As hard as this life gets, you won’t be alone in going through your challenges. There is an amazing military community out there. Many other spouses have gone through what you are going through.

Other military spouses get this life and can offer a listening ear. You will make some of your closest friends as military spouses. Friends that will help you through solo parenting, deployments, pcsing, and even retirement.

Is It Worth It?

Is military life worth it? Is your love worth it? Only you can answer that.

Only you know what you can handle and what you can’t.

I will tell you that if in your heart of hearts that you know you should be with this person, and that walking away from them is not an option, you can find ways to make it as a military spouse.

So many of us are doing it right now, taking military life one day at a time. And we are here to support you in your own military spouse journey.

What are you most worried about when it comes to committing to military life?