Soldier's Wife, Crazy Life

Military Life

The Military Spouse’s Guide to Making Friends in a Social Media World

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The Military Spouse’s Guide to Making Friends in a Social Media World

Making friends in a social media world should make things easier, right? I mean, we can talk to anyone at any time. If we wanted to find a friend who loves Doctor Who and lives in Kentucky, it would take us a couple of minutes to find a place to look for someone who fits that description. There are groups, communities, and pages for almost any type of topic.

So why is it still so hard to make friends? Why do we feel so alone when moving to our next duty station? Why is there so much drama when it comes to the military spouse community?

The Military Spouse's Guide to Making Friends in a Social Media World

Social media can be such a blessing for us military spouses. Social media allows us to talk to others at our future duty stations, stay connected to friends who have moved far away, and share photos and our lives with our family and friends back at home.

However, social media can also cause us to stay in our homes when we should be pushing ourselves for more in-person connections. Social media can also make us feel less than, as we tend to compare our full stories to everyone else’s highlight reel. Bullying is a lot easier to do online, as people can hide behind their phones and their computers.

So what is a military spouse to do when trying to find connections in this life?

Here are some ideas:

Use social media to help you find in-person events

Make sure of social media to find in-person events at your duty station. You can look for one time events such as a 5K, an MWR event, or something going on at the local library. You can also look for meetings and clubs that happen a couple times a month, or even weekly. Look for your local MOPS group, a book club, a running club, or a playgroup. In some cases, you can join a Facebook group, introduce yourself, and ask questions before you attend your first meeting.

Reach out but with caution

Don’t be afraid to reach out to people you meet in your local group or in person. But also, make sure to use caution. Not everyone is who they appear to be online. If you meet up with someone you met online, make sure to always do so in a public place and tell someone where you are going. You also don’t have to become friends with everyone you meet. Some people are better acquaintances while others will turn into best friends.

Don’t be afraid to start something new

If you can’t find the right group at your duty station, think about starting your own. There are probably other spouses in your area who are into what you are into too. Make a plan, post about it in your local Facebook group, and don’t be afraid to try more than once if the plan doesn’t work out at first. Sometimes new groups take a while to grow, but they can be the right answer when you are looking for friends you have something in common with.

Stay away from the drama, as much as you can

While you can’t stay away from drama 100%, you can make sure you are not looking for it or adding to it. Calling people names, bullying them online, and not showing kindness most of the time will cause you to be involved in more drama that you should be. Your life doesn’t have to involve that much drama, it really doesn’t.

Be real with your social media posts

Sometimes I wish we could all agree to be more real in our social media posts. Sometimes we only share things when life is going well. We only talk about when we moved into a big beautiful house, not how hard it was to save for the downpayment. We talk about how much we love our husband, but we don’t talk about how hard marriage can sometimes be. We talk about the homecoming and don’t mention that we too had too many nights when they were gone when we just didn’t think we could make it another day.

Don’t share everything

As much as being real on social media is a good idea, we also should make sure we are not oversharing everything. We can share that we are struggling without every single detail. And some conversations are better for private messages or in person get-togethers.

If we use social media to bash other people, that will make others be wary of befriending us. We don’t want to end up being a future post on your timeline. This also applies to Facebook groups as none of them are going to be as private as you think they are.

Don’t give up

Whatever you do, don’t give up on finding friends. Don’t just shut yourself up in your house with the excuse that everyone around you sucks. I don’t think that is true; you just haven’t found your people yet. If your friends have all just moved away, you might also feel like it would be too hard to try again, but if you do, you will find there are new friendships to make, and new people to meet.

Always remember OPSEC and PERSEC

Whenever you are on social media, make sure you are always thinking about OPSEC and PERSEC. You don’t want to share information that could be used by the enemy. You don’t want to share specific dates and locations or too much info about your service member. Always lean on the side of not sharing if you are not sure as that will never get you in trouble.

Finding friendships with other military spouses is a must. They can help you through the more difficult of times and allow you to have a much better experience at your duty station. Finding new friends isn’t always eat, but doing so is worth putting in the effort to find them, whether you do so on or offline.

Where do you like to find friends at your duty station?

 

Why You Should Be Tipping the Commissary Baggers

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Why You Should Be Tipping the Commissary Baggers

There is something special about the Commissary. This is the place you can go on your duty station to buy groceries. In a lot of places, you will save money by doing so, although that isn’t always the case and isn’t the case for every item in the store. Some Commissaries are pretty big, and some are pretty small, depending on your duty station.

Why You Should Be Tipping the Commissary Baggers

The Commissary is one of the many military benefits your service member receives when they start serving their country. This started back in 1825 when Army officers could make purchases. In 1841, they could start buying for their immediate families too. In 1867, enlisted service members could start buying at the Commissary.

The first overseas Commissary opened in 1899/1900 in the Philippines and China. While just the Army had Commissaries at first, the Navy and the Marines Corp opened their first stores in 1909/10 and the Air Force in 1947/48. These days, all service members, including the National Guard and Reserves as well as Retirees can shop at the Commissary.

You can read more about the history of the Commissary on their website! 

Why You Should Be Tipping the Commissary Baggers

Image source

The Commissary is meant to be comparable to what you can find in a regular grocery store.

But for a cheaper cost. While this, of course, isn’t always the case these days, and not for every product, overall shopping there can save you a bit of money.

The Defence Commissary Agency (DeCA) was established in 1990 and they are who run the Commissary today. Commissaries sell at cost and we pay a surcharge which helps with new stores and renovations. Baggers work for tips only and they are not government or commissary employees but considered self-employed.

Baggers at the Commissary are not the same as baggers at your local grocery store.

Why You Should Be Tipping the Commissary Baggers

So why should you always tip your bagger?

I have heard some pushback about having to tip the baggers. Do you have to do so? What if you want to take the groceries out yourself? What if they don’t do a good job?

The thing to remember is that while the Commissary can resemble and look like your regular old grocery store, they are not. They are a military benefit to help you save money on your groceries. Because of this, things are done a little bit differently. The only money the baggers make is what they get from tips.

If a commissary bagger brings your groceries to your car, please tip them.

Do you have to? Well no, if you don’t, no one is going to write you up or give you a ticket but it is not a nice way to treat your baggers. If you don’t have any cash to give them, know that you can get cash back when you pay, and the cashiers are pretty used to people asking for that.

If you can’t do that or don’t want to use the baggers, you also don’t have to do that either. Most Commissaries have a self-checkout section that you can use.

I have been using the Commissary since 2006 and 99% of the baggers I have met have been good at what they do and are simply trying to earn an income. They range from high school students to stay at home moms to older spouses. They do the best they can and tipping them is so important.

Why You Should Be Tipping the Commissary Baggers

How much you tip really depends on what you feel is comfortable.

Most people tip between $3-5 depending on how many groceries they have. Some, of course, give more and some give a little extra when the weather isn’t as nice or on a holiday. Some pay by the bag or dollar amount spent.

In the end, if you go to the Commissary and use a bagger, make sure to tip them. If you don’t want to do that, if you don’t feel comfortable with that, don’t use the bagger or shop somewhere else. Don’t stiff your bagger, be nice to them, it’s the right thing to do!

 

Why The Military Should Always Be Paid, Always

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Why The Military Should Always Be Paid, Always

What a way to wake up, to hear of a government shutdown. That what so many people said wouldn’t happen did and that so many families are wondering what that means for them.

Our military is used as a bargaining chip, and sometimes that means that we will have to deal with what happens when the government gets shutdown. I am hoping that this does not last long, I am hoping that by the time you read this, the shutdown is old news, but I am not holding my breath.

Why The Military Should Always Be Paid, Always

 

No one in today’s Military was drafted.

Every single person who serves decided to do so on their own. The Military is the job they decided to do and how they help support their families. In some cases, the Military member is the only one bringing in a paycheck. Having that regular paycheck is a must.

If your spouse is deployed, you will receive extra money which helps your household. This can be an excellent time to pay off debt, save for the future or just catch up on bills.

The National Guard and Reserves have monthly drills that families are used to, those have been and could be canceled because of this. And while a canceled drill can seem like a nice break, a canceled drill also means families will be going without some of their regular income for the month.

So whether the Military member is deployed or not, that money is very important. But beyond that, to not get paid like you should is a huge slap in the face.

In a perfect world, we would all have nice sized emergency funds, but not everyone does. While it is true we should always be prepared, a lot of military families are not and live paycheck to paycheck. While it is nice to have savings, not everyone has enough to help them through something like this.

But beyond whether a family has enough money in their bank accounts to get through one or two delayed paychecks is beside the point.  What does not paying the Military do to morale? It crushes it. From the single soldier serving in Afghanistan to the Mom of four trying to hold it together while her husband is deployed for the fourth time.

To not get paid on time feels like a blow.

To have to figure out how to make a paycheck stretch that much more is added stress Military families don’t need. In 2013, the last time this happened, my husband was deployed, and the feeling that he would not get paid was beyond frustrating. I hate that for anyone going through this right now.

If you are looking for more information about what is happening, how you will be affected during this time, how services you depend on will be affected, please use these links to help:

UPDATED: How a Government Shutdown Impacts Pay, Benefits

Here’s what we know about how a government shutdown would affect the military, DoD civilians and veterans

USAA pledges help for members affected by possible January 2018 government shutdown

Navy Federal rolls out loan policy in light of possible 2018 federal shutdown

Defense Finance and Accounting Service – DFAS

Government headed for shutdown Saturday, after Senate fails to pass budget bill

What You Can and Can’t Do During a Government Shutdown

How to Survive the Government Shutdown

What should we be doing?

As we are trying to see what is going to happen with this shutdown, here is what we can do to help our situations:

  1. Try not to panic- I know that is difficult, this is a stressful situation.
  2. Look at your budget- Figure out where your gaps are. Talk to your bank. Put down on paper your plan for paying your bills.
  3. Watch for updates- Things can change quickly.
  4. Be informed- There is a lot of misinformation out there, make sure the information you are reading about all of this is correct.
  5. Breathe- This sucks, it does, but hopefully, the shutdown will not last long, and we will be back to “normal” soon.

And to anyone who has any power in this, stop using the military like this. Stop acting like it doesn’t matter if the military gets paid or not. The military should always, without question be paid on time. Always.

 

Preventing Suicide: Resources to Help You and Your Family Members

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Preventing Suicide: Resources to Help You and Your Family Members

Before February of 2017, I was a bit ignorant on suicide. I knew that suicide affected a lot of people, I knew that depression existed and that the disease could be a reason someone lost their life, and I knew that sometimes people felt like they had no other choice. I also knew that suicide was an issue that affected the military profoundly, both the service member and the military spouse.

But then, in February of 2017, I got a phone call I never thought I would.

Preventing Suicide: Resources to Help You and Your Family Members

My dear sweet SIL had lost her battle with clinical depression, and everything changed for us. My sister-in-law appeared so happy. She had been married to my brother for almost four years. She always had a smile on her face, ran her own business, and was surrounded by people who loved her.

What we didn’t know was what she was struggling with behind closed doors. What we didn’t know is how much pain she was in. We didn’t know that despite everything going on, she was still struggling and in the end, she could no longer fight the disease that took hold of her.

After we lost her, people started sharing their own stories with us. Maybe it was a sibling, maybe a mom or a dad, maybe a best friend. I started to hear stories of suicide everywhere I went, in the media and from others as they shared what they have been through.

The truth is, suicide is something that affects so many of us in the military and non-military worlds. Service members won’t get the help they need because they are worried about their careers. Spouses don’t reach out because they don’t want to seem like they are less than. People hide so much, even when they need help, and the rest of us are not sure what we can do.

Preventing Suicide: Resources to Help You and Your Family Members

We post reminders of the suicide hotline, we let others know we can be a listening ear, we fight for changes in the government so that people can get the help that they need, but is this enough?

The truth is, as a military spouse, this is something we need to be aware of. The risk of suicide is 22% higher for veterans than for those who have never served. 22%! These men and women who have served their country so bravely, come home from war with struggles we can’t even begin to understand, and then become at risk for something that can be preventable.

I hope that these links and resources can help you. Whether you have a spouse who is struggling, a friend or family member, you are struggling yourself, or you just want to become more informed about the issue:

Organizations & Websites

Stop Soldier Suicide– This organization works 1 one 1 with troops, veterans, and military families to help them navigate what is available. They are advocates to help figure out what each person needs to get better.

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention– One of the best resources out there for information on warning signs and risk factors, statistics, and treatment.

Be There Peer Support and Outreach Center– The Be There Peer Assistance Line is the only dedicated DOD peer support call and outreach center. It is available to all service members and their families, including the Reserves and the National Guard.

Dasium- This organization focuses on teens and young adults who are at risk for depression, addiction, and suicide. They use the power of stories and personal experiences to help develop programs and resources in an engaging and effective way.

Operation We Are Here– This website has tons of resources for counseling, crisis help, suicide, mental health, and more.

Objective Zero App – Ending Veteran, Military Suicide- This is a mobile app and nonprofit to help connect veterans to suicide prevention resources as well as a community of veterans, counselors, and concerned citizens, all done anonymously.

Make the Connection– This online resource is designed to connect veterans as well as their family members and friends as well as other supporters with information resources and solutions to issues affecting their lives.

Veterans Crisis Line– This organization helps veterans that are in crisis with a hotline, chat, and text so that they can talk with caring VA responders. They also have a wealth of recourses on their website.

Preventing Suicide: Resources to Help You and Your Family Members

Blog Posts & Articles

Sometimes hearing the stories of others can help us with our pain, give us strength, and even cause us to take action when we knew we need extra help. Here are some personal stories and articles about suicide and mental health:

What Depression Feels Like

Why Us? Because Suicide, Depression, and Addiction Aren’t Selective…

Homefront Operations: Ways to fight the silent battle of suicide

Have you been affected by suicide?

Please give tomorrow a chance

The Day He Contemplated Suicide

We’d Be Better Off Without You (Part one)

Do you know of any resources or blog posts to add to this list? 

When You Are Feeling Alone in Your Military Spouse Life

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When You Are Feeling Alone in Your Military Spouse Life

There could be times during your life as a military spouse when you will feel alone. Maybe your spouse just left for a deployment, maybe you just moved to a new city, too many miles from your comfort zone, or maybe your friend circle has fallen apart and you wonder what to do next.

When You Are Feeling Alone in Your Military Spouse Life

Sometimes we feel alone because we assume no one truly understands what we are going through.

We think we are the only ones that feel a certain way. The only ones that have to take that deployment one hour at a time, who miss their spouse more than they thought they would, who have a hard time making new friends at their duty station.

But the reality is, we are not alone. There are others that feel just like you do. There are others that truly understand. There are others who have been through it before and want to help those who are going through it now.

So if you are feeling alone, know that you are not.

Reach out to your military spouse groups, read blogs, ask friends what they did, step out of your comfort zone, and find ways to help with what you are going through.

When You Are Feeling Alone in Your Military Spouse Life

Don’t let anyone tell you that you don’t have a right to feel the way you do. Missing a spouse, missing a best friend, missing home, or anything else is normal. We miss the things we love the most. And know that this too shall pass, that you will get to a better place, and that in the end, what you go through in life will always help you in the future.

Figure out ways to help when you are feeling alone.

For some, inviting a friend over will help, even if you are not super close. Others will need to find something to do outside of the house and step out of their comfort zone. This isn’t always an easy thing to do. Making friends is hard.

As military spouses, we can feel separated from those we love the most. Keeping in contact with them is a must, whether that is over the phone, over text, or even just on Facebook. Remember, that as time goes on, you will figure out what works for you to stay connected to those you no longer live close to.

If you are feeling alone, try to connect with the people in your world. Be brave. Learn to explore. Be creative. And before you know it, you will find that you will stop feeling so alone, that you will start to make new friends, that life will get better and that you will find your place in this crazy military spouse world.

Can Anyone Make it as a Military Spouse?

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Can Anyone Make it as a Military Spouse?

I have often believed that no matter who you are, where you came from, as long as you love your service member, you can get through anything. When my civilian friends tell me they could never do what I do, I want to tell them they could if they had married a service member too.

There have even been times in the past, before my husband joined the military, when I didn’t think I could do it either.

But, can anyone really be a military spouse? Can anyone who marries someone who serves figure out a way to make this work?

When most people get married, they assume they will be married until death do us part. Who wants to go into a marriage with divorce as the goal? But the truth is, not all marriages last, and not all marriages can survive the military.

Can anyone make it as a military spouse? That depends.

Some people can get through anything the military life brings them. This should be the goal. Working through the stressful situations, working on their marriage, and trying to figure out a way to get through it all.

Some military spouses married their service member years before they joined up. In these cases, life gets thrown entirely on its head when they join. Everything changes and that can be such an adjustment for the service member, military spouse, and children.

For others, marrying the love of their life meant becoming a military spouse on their wedding day, unsure of the adventures, or struggles they might run into in the future. Their new marriage is thrown together with the newness of military life.

In either case, the military spouse can feel like her world is falling apart, that they can’t make it through that deployment, that they are not quite cut out for this life.

I have felt this way myself. I would get to a place where I just didn’t see how I could keep doing this. Where everything was a little too much. Where I didn’t want to do the military life anymore.

But then, I remembered that I did indeed marry a soldier, even if he wasn’t actively serving at the time. I reminded myself that this is a part of who my husband is and that in the end, I can stand by him through whatever I need to. That my love for him and my want for us to be together will be more important than any lonely night or hardship the military comes my way.

 

That being said, this isn’t the case for everyone.

For some, this life isn’t something they can keep doing. They hit a wall for whatever reason. Sometimes they hit this wall because there has been betrayal in the marriage. Can you truly trust someone across the miles when they have cheated before? Sometimes there is abuse, or the couple cannot work out their difficulties.

The truth is, we don’t always know what other people are going through, we don’t know what happens in their marriage, and we don’t know what they have been through in the past. Compassion is a must.

While going into this life believing you can make it through is a must, know that if you were not able to, that if things did get too difficult, that if you are no longer a military spouse, that you have a right to do what is best for you. That you did what you could, and that no one should be judging you for doing what is best for your own family.

What do you think? Can anyone make it as a military spouse?

How You Can Become a Military Spouse Blogger

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How You Can Become a Military Spouse Blogger

* This post contains affiliate links! 

We were almost done with our 2nd deployment. It was getting colder in Germany, and I didn’t have that many things to do besides taking care of the kids and the house. For a while, I had wanted to become what I called a “public” blogger.

I had been blogging since 2004, but up until that time, my blog was just for friends and family. The blog was just little updates with pictures. I did most of that before Facebook started getting popular. When I realized I was posting everything I already posted on Facebook, I didn’t really blog that way anymore.

How You Can Become a Military Spouse Blogger

During that 2nd deployment, I decided to start my Military spouse blog.

I didn’t know what I was doing. I posted about homecoming outfits and the end of the deployments. I then found other Military spouse blogs and left comments. I went on Twitter and started to connect with others that way too.

Before I knew it, I had a little following. A few months later I was asked if I wanted to giveaway a book for Military Spouses. Things just progressed, and I eventually moved from Julie the Army Wife to Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life which has been my blogging home for over 10 years now.

I love blogging and love that there is such a wonderful Milspouse blogging community. We have all been through a lot of the same things, and we can help each other out.

How You Can Become a Military Spouse Blogger

So how does one become a Military Spouse Blogger?

Start a blog

This is obvious; you must start a blog to become a blogger. Some Milspouse bloggers write all about Military life. Others blog about everyday life or other topics that don’t have to do with being married to someone in the military. The choice is up to on what to blog about.

You can start a free blog on Blogger or WordPress. You can also go self-hosted which means you will have to pay a small hosting fee. You might also want a domain name. I have found if you wait for sales you can get them for $.99 for the first year.

I love my blog hosting service. David from New Blog Hosting is the best. I can always message him if I have any issues and he can help me fix what needs to be fixed. He is also very affordable.

Start writing

After you have set up your blog, you need to start writing. You don’t have to write every day, but if you want to get your name out there, you need to write often. This is especially important when you first start out. Make a schedule for yourself and try to stick to it.

If you are stuck on what to write about, get out a pad of paper and start writing down ideas. What topics are you interested in? What topics could you write about time and time again? What do you want to talk to your readers about?

How You Can Become a Military Spouse Blogger

Being active on social media

Set up Facebook , Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest accounts to go along with your blog. Having a Facebook page is a must. Just create one with the same name as your blog. To start, you can invite your friends to get going. Make sure the friends you invite would be interested in your blog to begin with.

The key to Facebook is making sure you are posting the right type of content. Post both your own links as well as others. Memes work well. One meme took me from 3,000 fans to 10,000 in a very short amount of time. Sharing other people’s stuff is also a way to help other bloggers and is a smart thing to do. Look for content that you know your ideal reader would be interested in.

Twitter is good for sharing links and connecting with people. Twitter will not bring as much traffic as Facebook will, but it can be a good place to establish your brand and connect with other bloggers and readers.

Instagram is great for photos and memes. Make sure to comment and like other’s posts and have fun with the platform. You can also use Instagram stories too.

Pinterest is a search engine and you want a mix of your content and others. You can join a Pinterest group board and schedule out pins with Tailwind.

Decide how much you are going to share

Since we are all military spouses, there are going to be OPSEC and PERSEC reasons not to overshare. Talk to your spouse about what they feel comfortable being out there on the internet. Some service members do not want any photos of them or even their names to be used. You should also decide if you are going to share where you live or talk about your children on your blog.

If you have your own Milspouse blog or just started one, leave your link in the comments. I would love to stop by 🙂

What Adam Driver, Former US Marine, Does For the Military

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What Adam Driver, Former US Marine, Does For the Military

What Adam Driver, Former US Marine, Does For the Military

Have you seen The Last Jedi yet? If not, go, I loved it! And I have a house full of boys who do too. If you are a fan of the Star Wars movies, you might know a bit about the actors who play in those movies. One of the new villains in these recent movies is Kylo Ren, played by the actor Adam Driver.

Did you know that before he started acting, Adam Driver was in the Marine Corps? He joined after 9/11 and served for almost 3 years. He injured his sternum while mountain biking and was medically discharged. After that, he went back to school, ended up at Juilliard, and started acting in New York City both on and off Broadway.

His first movie was J. Edgar in 2011. In 2012, he began his role in the HBO show Girls, and in 2014, he was cast as Kylo Ren for the upcoming Star Wars movies.

What Adam Driver, Former US Marine, Does For the Military
By Dick Thomas Johnson from Tokyo, Japan [CC BY 2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

Even though his career in the military ended years ago, his support for the military did not. In 2008, he founded Arts in the Armed Forces (AITAF.) This organization’s goal is to bring high-quality theater programming for active duty service members, veterans, military support staff, and their families.

AITAF perform’s domestically and around the world and chooses plays that feature diverse themes as well as ages, ethnicities, and experiences. This creates a unique experience for the audience. After each of their performances, the actors will interact with the audience, answering a Q & A and having an informal time to talk to everyone.

The first performance of 2018 will be at Joint Base Charleston in South Carolina on January 5th and 6th. They will be doing a reading of Top Underdog.

In celebration of their 10th year, Arts in the Armed Forces announced the Bridge Award that will grant 10K to a playwright who has or is serving in the military. In addition to the money, they will also stage a professional reading of the play that was submitted. All entries must be received by March 1st, 2018. The winner should be announced around May 1st, 2018. Go to their website for more information.

As you can see, Adam Driver and Arts in the Armed Forces want to bring amazing theater to the military as well as support the talents of those who serve. This is such an important thing as the military is made up of people with all different strengths and talents. Arts in the Armed Forces is one way to help support that.