One piece of advice I have given to military spouses time and time again is to find friends, or find your people. Why? Because I think it is so important.
Why Making Friends in Military Life Matters
Making friends in military life matters, even when it’s hard.
And sometimes I know it can be really hard.
It isn’t always easy to be the new person, even in a place with a lot of new people. It isn’t always easy to find the right people. And honestly, some people aren’t very nice. Just check out any military spouse Facebook group to confirm that.
People can be untrustworthy, flaky, or just downright rude. But that doesn’t mean you should stop trying to find your people.
You see, when you have friends, life is much easier, no matter what you are going through. As military spouses, we go through a lot of difficult things. It only makes sense that friends make it easier.
Why Military Spouses Sometimes Give Up on Friendship
Whether it is a bad experience in the past, heartbreaking situations, or just feeling alone even in a room full of people, it can be hard to make finding friends a priority.
Anytime the subject of friends comes up, I hear some people say it just isn’t worth it. That there are too many untrustworthy people out there. That too many people are just looking out for themselves, and it just hurts too much to pursue any type of friendship.
And all of those feelings are valid. It can be scary putting yourself out there.
Closing Yourself Off Can Make Military Life Harder
If you close yourself off from others, you will miss out on community. You will miss out on the potential for close relationships. You will miss out on making memories that will last forever.
I can’t say that I keep in touch with everyone I have ever befriended during my time as a military spouse. That’s just not possible; however, I always have those memories to keep with me in my heart.
From the group of us spouses that met up every Monday at a coffee shop during a deployment, to playdates and playgroups and MOPS meetings when my kids were a lot younger. All of those memories are such a balm to the soul. And they wouldn’t have been possible if I had closed myself off and refused to take that step to meet new people.
“One bad friendship doesn’t mean you should stop looking for your people.”
One Bad Friendship Doesn’t Have to Define Your Future
There have been times during military life when I realized a “friend” really wasn’t. And that stings. I have shed plenty of tears over it.
But, as much as the idea of sitting it out, sticking to my own family, and not even putting a foot in the friendship pool can be appealing. It’s not a long-term solution.
Time goes on, and there are other opportunities and other people to connect with. There is more than one type of person in this world, and taking a chance on meeting someone new can be worth it.
A Reminder About Military Spouse Friendships
Finding your people in military life can take time. One bad experience, one awkward event, or one disappointing friendship does not mean you should close yourself off forever.
- You are allowed to be careful. Not every person deserves full access to your life right away.
- You are allowed to try again. A hard friendship experience does not mean every future connection will hurt you.
- Community matters. Even small connections can make a new duty station or deployment season feel less lonely.
- Your people are worth looking for. The right friends can help you through the hard parts of military life and make the good parts even better.
Not Every Connection Has to Become a Best Friend
The reality is, not everyone you meet is going to become a best friend or even a friend at all. Some people will just be a part of your community.
Maybe it’s another mother at soccer practice you chat with every Monday and Wednesday. Maybe it’s the cashier at the Commissary, the one you always tend to get who loves to ask you about your day. Maybe it’s a neighbor you always wave to in the morning when you take your dog for a walk.
The truth is, not everyone is best friend material. And that’s okay. Sometimes it is just those little interactions with random people throughout your week that can make a difference.
Keep Looking for the People Who Make Military Life Better
Every military spouse has a choice to make. To be a kind person. To be a part of the community. To move on from the past and work through what is making friendships hard.
But let me tell you, being able to find your people will be worth it. People you can not only spend time with but people you can depend on, through the good stuff and the hard stuff.
So if you are feeling like life would be better if you stick to yourself. If you never want to try, I urge you to rethink that. No, don’t put yourself in a toxic situation, but remember that there is almost always someone new to meet, especially on a military post. There is always something you can join or be a part of.
Anywhere you go in life, you will find good people and not-so-good people. This is true in military and civilian communities.
However, you don’t want to let those not-so-good people cause you to never try to find the people who will enhance your life and help you through the challenges of military life.
Frequently Asked Questions About Military Spouse Friendships
Why is making friends important as a military spouse?
Making friends as a military spouse can help you feel less alone during deployments, PCS moves, parenting seasons, and other challenges of military life. Community can make a new duty station feel more manageable.
What if I had a bad military spouse friendship experience?
A bad experience can make it scary to try again, and those feelings are valid. But one painful friendship does not mean every future friendship will be the same. You can move slowly, use boundaries, and still stay open to finding good people.
Do all military spouse connections need to become close friendships?
No. Some people may become close friends, while others may simply be part of your weekly rhythm: a neighbor, another parent at practice, someone from church, or a familiar face at the commissary. Those smaller connections can still matter.
How can military spouses find their people?
Military spouses can find friends through local events, spouse groups, book clubs, playgroups, volunteering, faith communities, MWR activities, online groups, and everyday interactions with neighbors or other parents.