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Why Kindness Really Matters in the Military Spouse Community

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Why Kindness Really Matters in the Military Spouse Community

After so many years of running a military spouse blog and social media accounts, it still makes my heart hurt when I see people being unkind.

Whether it’s acting like military spouses don’t have the right to their own community or flat-out calling people names when they disagree, it’s heartbreaking to see.

Kindness always matters, and the military community needs it.

Military Life Is Complicated Enough

It goes without saying that military life is complicated. It can be really challenging sometimes, and we as a community sometimes need extra grace and patience as we work through the hard stuff.

Deployments, PCS moves, solo parenting, career changes, loneliness, and uncertainty can already leave military spouses feeling stretched thin. A supportive community can make those seasons easier, while an unkind one can make them feel even harder.

Having to deal with an unkind person along the way? To have to decide if an FRG meeting is worth it because of the drama? To be afraid to reach out to another military spouse? Totally not cool. We can do better.

“Military life is complicated enough. We do not need to make it harder for one another.”

Why Kindness Matters in the Military Spouse Community

The truth is, we don’t know what someone else is going through. We don’t know all of their struggles. We don’t know the pain or stress they might be going through. So kindness matters.

Kindness matters when you are answering a question on Facebook. Remember, anyone can see what you write on a public page. Even your grandma.

Kindness matters in your local community. In your neighborhood. In your daily lives.

Kindness makes the world a better place, and kindness helps the military community be the best version of itself.

Small Acts of Kindness Go a Long Way

Thankfully, I have seen a lot of kindness during my time as a military spouse. From other spouses being there for another spouse who has a child in the hospital to bringing food to another who is feeling a little overwhelmed with military life.

Kindness doesn’t even have to be big. It doesn’t mean you have to change the world for someone. It just means that you look at the other people in your community with grace and work to make it a better place.

Small Ways to Show Kindness to Another Military Spouse

You do not have to do something huge to make military life a little easier for someone else.

  • Check in. A simple text during deployment or another difficult season can mean a lot.
  • Answer questions with grace. Remember that every experienced military spouse was new once.
  • Share helpful resources. If something helped you, pass it along without judgment.
  • Include someone new. Invite the new spouse, neighbor, or parent to join you.
  • Know when not to comment. Sometimes kindness means scrolling past instead of adding something hurtful.

Military Spouses Need Kindness Online, Too

With the state of the world today, kindness matters even more. Be an example. Be the better person. All of that matters.

How to Respond With Kindness on Social Media

Some people thrive on making people online feel bad. People they have never met in real life. And for what? Why tear others down when you could just easily build them up?

Don’t like what someone has to say? That’s okay; you don’t have to agree, but I know you know the right and wrong way to respond.

If you see someone struggling, lend a hand in any way you can. Maybe it is just a smile emoji; maybe it’s letting them know about a resource that worked for you. Maybe it’s simply letting them have their space and not commenting at all.

We are all adults, and there is no reason we should see so much nastiness in our military spouse Facebook or on social media accounts. We are all so much better than that.

We Can Build a Better Military Spouse Community

Being kind, whether online or in person, will make our communities, our countries, and our world a better place.

Do what you can, smile, and show kindness wherever you go. Our military spouse community doesn’t have to stay in the hater zone.

Frequently Asked Questions About the Military Spouse Community

Why does kindness matter in the military spouse community?

Military spouses may already be dealing with deployments, PCS moves, solo parenting, career changes, loneliness, and uncertainty. A kind and supportive community can make those difficult seasons feel less isolating.

How can military spouses be kinder online?

Answer questions patiently, avoid name-calling, remember that there is a real person behind the screen, share useful resources, and consider whether a comment will actually help before posting it.

What are simple ways to support another military spouse?

Check in during hard seasons, bring a meal, invite someone to coffee, share a helpful resource, welcome new spouses, or simply listen without trying to fix everything.

What should I do if a military spouse group feels toxic?

You are allowed to step back, set boundaries, leave unhealthy online spaces, and look for communities where people are supportive and respectful.

Military Life is Hard and It’s Okay To Say So

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Military Life is Hard and It's Okay To Say So

Military life is hard, and it’s okay to say so!

When I started my blog in 2009, I did so for a few reasons. I was a bit bored but more than that, I wanted to share what I was going through. I knew I couldn’t be the only military spouse that felt the way that I did. I was at the end of our 2nd deployment, missing my husband, and just waiting for the day he would be home.

One of the first things I noticed when I started getting into blogging was the online military community. Other bloggers and readers who had been through what I had been through and who understood what military life was like. Over the years I have met so many military spouses online that are looking for tips and encouragement to get through their deployment or whatever else military life has thrown at them.

Over the years I have heard some people say that military life isn’t hard or that because life is more difficult for other people, we shouldn’t even talk about what we are going through. They say that we should only speak of the positives of this life. That talking about the negatives isn’t good.

While I agree that if you only talk about the bad, this life is going to be even harder, but I also know that military life is hard and it’s okay to say so.

Military Life is Hard and It's Okay To Say So

Why It’s Okay to Say Military Life Is Hard

Here on my blog and in my online communities, I understand that not everything is going to be easy. I understand that some days are just going to be quite horrible. But you know what? There are a lot of benefits in sharing our stories, in letting others know what we are going through, and talking about when life gets hard.

Being Honest About Military Life Makes You Real

Things changed for us as soon as my husband joined the Army. He was gone, for months. He wasn’t always there like he was before. He had more rules and regulations than he did in civilian life. Everything changed for us. And life got a lot harder.

Military life brings deployments, pcsing every few years, and life changes you would never have thought about before. You might give birth without your husband, they might miss your son’s first day of kindergarten or even high school graduation, and they might not be around when you need them the most.

So when someone talks about how hard military life is, they are being real about their experiences.

Real about the changes this life will bring, real about how difficult some seasons of this life are, and real about what’s going to happen during their spouse’s career.

Being real about military life also means talking about how wonderful living in Germany is, how amazing homecoming will be, and how you would never have met the friends you did had you never become a military spouse.

Whether you are going through a difficult time or having better milspouse moments, being real about your life is a good thing.

Most Military Spouses Know This Life Can Be Hard

Although I am sure there are some who get through the years of military life and don’t even seem to feel the hardships some of us too, this has not been the norm.

Every day I hear from military spouses who have just started a deployment, are in the middle of a deployment, or are struggling through the last few months of a deployment. All of them are looking for ways to make it through, to find friends who know what they are going through, and to figure out the best way to handle their current situation.

At the end of the day, we are all on our own military road. Some roads will be bumpier than others, and that’s okay. Some will have it much harder than you do and some have it easier. That doesn’t change the fact that you are dealing with your own set of challenges that are unique to you and your family.

Sharing Our Struggles Helps Us Support One Another

When we don’t share our struggles, we can’t help one another out. When we stay silent, we don’t know who needs that extra set of hands or who needs a listening ear. When we all act like we have everything together, we can overlook those who are falling behind, and that isn’t a good thing for our military community.

While we don’t want to spend all of our time as a military spouse walking around with a pout on our faces, we can stop and recognize when things are a little too much to handle on our own. We might need to reach out to a friend, to a professional, or change a few things to make our lives a little easier.

A Reminder for the Military Spouse Who Is Struggling

Military life can be hard, and admitting that does not mean you are negative, ungrateful, or failing at this life. It means you are being honest about what you are going through.

  • You are allowed to say this is hard. Deployments, PCS moves, missed milestones, and constant change can take a real toll.
  • You are not the only one struggling. Other military spouses have felt lonely, overwhelmed, tired, and unsure how to keep going.
  • Sharing your story can help someone else. When we are honest, we remind others that they do not have to walk through military life alone.
  • Support matters. Friends, community, counseling, and practical help can make hard seasons feel more manageable.

Military Life is Hard and It's Okay To Say So

Talking About the Hard Parts Reminds Us We Are Not Alone

In the end, sharing our milspouse struggles helps others know they are not alone. When I share about my deployments, I hope that others can take comfort in knowing they are not the only one going through what they are at the moment. When I talk about the deployment ache, I hope that others can say, “Yes! That is exactly how I feel too.”

When you are struggling, knowing you are not alone can go a long way in figuring out how to make life better for yourself. Whether the struggle is deployment, miscarriage, divorce, infertility, the loss of a family member, a sick child or something else.

When you struggle, knowing others have been through what you have been through can help you see there is a way out, that there are things you can do to make life better, and that you don’t have to walk through all of this on your own.

What do you know when you feel you are struggling? Who do you turn to for extra help?

Frequently Asked Questions About Military Life Being Hard

Is it normal to think military life is hard?

Yes, it is normal. Military life can include deployments, PCS moves, missed milestones, solo parenting, uncertainty, loneliness, and constant change. Admitting that it is hard does not mean you are not strong enough for military life.

Why should military spouses talk about the hard parts?

Talking about the hard parts can help military spouses feel less alone. When we share our struggles honestly, other spouses can feel seen, encouraged, and more willing to reach out for support.

Does saying military life is hard mean I am being negative?

No. You can be grateful for the good parts of military life and still admit that some seasons are difficult. Being honest about your experience is different from only focusing on the negative.

Where can military spouses find support?

Military spouses can find support through trusted friends, local military community groups, Military OneSource, counseling resources, deployment support programs, online communities, and other spouses who understand military life.

More on Military life…

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To the Military Spouse That Does Not Live in a Military Community

9 Things That Can Hurt a Military Marriage

What Military Spouse Life, Mental Health, and Solo Parenting Really Look Like

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What Military Spouse Life, Mental Health, and Solo Parenting Really Look Like

It’s been a long time since my husband deployed. He’s been retired for about 2.5 years now, so we haven’t had to deal with any military training in a while. Because of that, and because I run a military spouse blog, it is still on my mind.

I think about the deployments we went through, and why they were challenging to me. Some more than others. I think about how that first deployment was extended and ended up being 15 months total. I think about our last deployment and how it came at the worst possible time in our lives for me to be a solo parent, right after my son’s autism diagnosis.

Part of me wonders how I got through it all. The other wonders what I could have done to make it easier for myself back then. I hate to think about my past with a bunch of “what-ifs,” but I also can’t help but think about those military deployments, seasons of solo parenting, and my own mental health.

I wonder, can anyone really handle being a military spouse? Why did I struggle so much? What does this mean for military spouses and their mental health?

Military Spouse Life Can Put You in Survival Mode

The truth is, military spouse life can and does put military spouses in survival mode. Solo parenting, constant moves, uncertainty. It’s so much to deal with.

Without a strong village, things can fall apart quite fast.

And not everyone handles it the same way. Years of living in survival mode can really hit a person hard. Even with a strong support system.

Solo Parenting During Deployment Is More Than Just Being Busy

Being both mom and dad to children takes a toll. But it is more than just doing everything. It means being the only one who can consistently be there for your kids. It’s about figuring out every aspect of everything your children might need. It’s about not having a partner to take over during the harder times, and help you work through problems you need to deal with.

When my husband deployed for the first time, I had a two-year-old, and I was 25 weeks pregnant with my second child. I had no idea what I was in for. We were in Germany, too many miles away for a quick visit back home.

We somehow got through a 15-month deployment. But not without a lot of tears, and I will wonder to this day what my children missed out on by having their Dad gone that long. I will always wonder what I could have done to make that time easier for myself, and maybe better for my children.

However, I know I did what I could. I made plans with friends all of the time. I had my own hobbies, and I binged-watched a ton of TV before streaming was a thing – thank you to the DVDs at the on-post library.

When Parenting Needs Become More Complicated

When we started our military journey, we had a one-year-old. Over the years, we not only grew our family but also added some diagnoses. Autism, developmental delays, and anxiety. And that made everything a lot more complicated.

What do you do when things do become more complicated? Things you never saw coming.

This is when finding extra support and a good community matters. This is when you need to find your people more than ever. This is when you have to give yourself more grace than you ever have before.

When my parenting needs got more difficult, my husband started deploying. And yes, that complicated things for me. Was this why I struggled so much at times? Was this why solo parenting seemed to hit me harder than it did others? Possibly.

I don’t want to compare hard, but I did have a lot to deal with, and I dealt with most of it with a husband in a war zone.

The Mental Load Military Spouses Carry

As military spouses, we carry a lot. We carry the household, the budget, connecting with our families of origin, the children, the pets, the mortgage, the cars, the broken things, the stressful things, the mundane things. Most of it falls to us, and sometimes that mental load is too much.

We have to find ways to break it up, to delegate, and to organize. We find friends to share some of it with, or to vent with. We try to keep it together for our spouse overseas. But still…we can break down from it all.

And as I look back, I think about how it was all a little too much. And yes, maybe that all comes with the territory of being a military spouse? Maybe it has to be like this for us, “because of the mission,” but still, it is never easy, and acknowledging that might be half the battle.

When Military Spouse Life Feels Like Survival Mode

Deployment, solo parenting, constant change, and complicated parenting seasons can take a real toll on military spouses. It is okay to admit that this life can feel heavy.

  • Survival mode is not failure. Sometimes you are doing the best you can with the support, energy, and information you have.
  • Solo parenting is more than staying busy. It means carrying the routines, decisions, emotions, and hard moments without your partner physically there.
  • Complicated parenting needs can make everything harder. Diagnoses, appointments, school concerns, and daily care can add another layer to deployment stress.
  • Your mental health matters too. You are allowed to need help, support, rest, and care while you are caring for everyone else.

Why “Strong” Isn’t Always the Compliment People Think It Is

We are military spouses; we are strong, right? “Oh Julie, you are so strong!” I have been told that many times over the years. And maybe I am, but maybe it’s because there is no other option.

What was I going to do when my husband was deployed, and I had three little kids at home? It was his job, and they said he had to go. Then again, not everyone can make it through.

Military spouses can and do experience higher rates of anxiety and depression, and those struggles deserve to be taken seriously.

Mental health can be a big issue for military spouses. According to a HealthyWomen article on military spouse mental health, 1 out of 8 military spouses screened positive for a major depressive episode, and 1 out of 6 experienced generalized anxiety. Those rates were nearly double the general population and similar to those of service members after combat.

Maybe we can’t do everything we are required to do. Not without some type of consequence. And not without extra help.

What the Military Community Can Do Better

We have all heard the saying, “If the military wanted you to have a wife, they would have issued you one…” but what should the modern military be doing to accommodate spouses? Mental health struggles are real, so what can really be done to help struggling military spouses while still allowing for the mission? Which, let’s face it, at the end of the day, is what seems to matter the most. Spouse or no spouse.

What can the military community really do to help? When I see some of the hateful things that can come from the community, I wonder what really can be done about that. What can the civilian community around military bases do to help? What can anyone really do?

What causes a military spouse to have a hard time? How does it move from “this is quite annoying” to “I am not sure I can get through the months ahead!” So much to think about!

What I Understand Now That I Didn’t Then

It is so easy to look back on my life and make a list of all the things I did wrong. Maybe I should have done this, maybe I should have done that. But in doing that, I am not being fair to myself.

I was living my life, dealing with stressful situations, and situations I had never experienced before. Sure, I had expectations about military life and solo parenting, but I really had no idea what it would be like until I was going through it.

I can see now, with the benefit of time, that I did the best I could. And I think most military spouses are as well. We take what we are given and try to make the best of it.

Taking Care of Your Mental Health as a Military Spouse

But can the US military sustain this way of life? Are there ways in which they need to “catch up” to a more modern way of doing things?

Over time, more and more spouses don’t want to stay at home as their earlier counterparts did. Military spouses have so many amazing careers now. They don’t want to move as often. They’re also more aware of what they need to do to support their mental health.

Because, really, that is what this all boils down to. Military spouses and their mental health. Military spouses and how they handle the challenges they face. Military spouses and how they can balance the stresses that military life brings.

I don’t know the solution. More resources available to those on post? Better planned-out deployment schedules? Moving every 5 years instead of 2-3? More counselors? Better pay? The list goes on and on.

Military Spouse Mental Health Resources

If you are struggling, you do not have to wait until things feel unbearable to reach out. Military spouses may be able to use Military OneSource counseling, MFLC support, TRICARE mental health care, or local civilian counseling options.

If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988. For the Veterans/Military Crisis Line, call 988 and press 1 or text 838255.

Military OneSource Counseling: https://www.militaryonesource.mil/benefits/confidential-counseling/

Veterans/Military Crisis Line: https://www.militaryonesource.mil/benefits/veterans-crisis-line/

Be part of your community, step out of your comfort zone and make a new friend, be kind to others, and when things get hard, get creative.

There isn’t one simple solution to get through military life, but I strongly believe in trying different things until we figure out what works. If one thing doesn’t, try another.

Military life can be hard, and sometimes it can leave marks long after the deployment is over. It is okay to say that. It is okay to admit that you struggled. It is okay to look back and realize you were doing the best you could with what you were given.

Have the difficult conversations. Ask for help. Use the resources available to you. Find your people. Try one thing, and if that doesn’t work, try something else.

You are not weak because military life felt hard. You are human. And your mental health matters too.

Finding Friends as a Military Spouse Is Still Really Important

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Finding Friends as a Military Spouse Is Still Really Important

One piece of advice I have given to military spouses time and time again is to find friends, or find your people. Why? Because I think it is so important.

Why Making Friends in Military Life Matters

Making friends in military life matters, even when it’s hard.

And sometimes I know it can be really hard.

It isn’t always easy to be the new person, even in a place with a lot of new people. It isn’t always easy to find the right people. And honestly, some people aren’t very nice. Just check out any military spouse Facebook group to confirm that.

People can be untrustworthy, flaky, or just downright rude. But that doesn’t mean you should stop trying to find your people.

You see, when you have friends, life is much easier, no matter what you are going through. As military spouses, we go through a lot of difficult things. It only makes sense that friends make it easier.

Why Military Spouses Sometimes Give Up on Friendship

Whether it is a bad experience in the past, heartbreaking situations, or just feeling alone even in a room full of people, it can be hard to make finding friends a priority.

Anytime the subject of friends comes up, I hear some people say it just isn’t worth it. That there are too many untrustworthy people out there. That too many people are just looking out for themselves, and it just hurts too much to pursue any type of friendship.

And all of those feelings are valid. It can be scary putting yourself out there.

Closing Yourself Off Can Make Military Life Harder

If you close yourself off from others, you will miss out on community. You will miss out on the potential for close relationships. You will miss out on making memories that will last forever.

I can’t say that I keep in touch with everyone I have ever befriended during my time as a military spouse. That’s just not possible; however, I always have those memories to keep with me in my heart.

From the group of us spouses that met up every Monday at a coffee shop during a deployment, to playdates and playgroups and MOPS meetings when my kids were a lot younger. All of those memories are such a balm to the soul. And they wouldn’t have been possible if I had closed myself off and refused to take that step to meet new people.

“One bad friendship doesn’t mean you should stop looking for your people.”

One Bad Friendship Doesn’t Have to Define Your Future

There have been times during military life when I realized a “friend” really wasn’t. And that stings. I have shed plenty of tears over it.

But, as much as the idea of sitting it out, sticking to my own family, and not even putting a foot in the friendship pool can be appealing. It’s not a long-term solution.

Time goes on, and there are other opportunities and other people to connect with. There is more than one type of person in this world, and taking a chance on meeting someone new can be worth it.

A Reminder About Military Spouse Friendships

Finding your people in military life can take time. One bad experience, one awkward event, or one disappointing friendship does not mean you should close yourself off forever.

  • You are allowed to be careful. Not every person deserves full access to your life right away.
  • You are allowed to try again. A hard friendship experience does not mean every future connection will hurt you.
  • Community matters. Even small connections can make a new duty station or deployment season feel less lonely.
  • Your people are worth looking for. The right friends can help you through the hard parts of military life and make the good parts even better.

Not Every Connection Has to Become a Best Friend

The reality is, not everyone you meet is going to become a best friend or even a friend at all. Some people will just be a part of your community.

Maybe it’s another mother at soccer practice you chat with every Monday and Wednesday. Maybe it’s the cashier at the Commissary, the one you always tend to get who loves to ask you about your day. Maybe it’s a neighbor you always wave to in the morning when you take your dog for a walk.

The truth is, not everyone is best friend material. And that’s okay. Sometimes it is just those little interactions with random people throughout your week that can make a difference.

Keep Looking for the People Who Make Military Life Better

Every military spouse has a choice to make. To be a kind person. To be a part of the community. To move on from the past and work through what is making friendships hard.

But let me tell you, being able to find your people will be worth it. People you can not only spend time with but people you can depend on, through the good stuff and the hard stuff.

So if you are feeling like life would be better if you stick to yourself. If you never want to try, I urge you to rethink that. No, don’t put yourself in a toxic situation, but remember that there is almost always someone new to meet, especially on a military post. There is always something you can join or be a part of.

Anywhere you go in life, you will find good people and not-so-good people. This is true in military and civilian communities.

However, you don’t want to let those not-so-good people cause you to never try to find the people who will enhance your life and help you through the challenges of military life.

Frequently Asked Questions About Military Spouse Friendships

Why is making friends important as a military spouse?

Making friends as a military spouse can help you feel less alone during deployments, PCS moves, parenting seasons, and other challenges of military life. Community can make a new duty station feel more manageable.

What if I had a bad military spouse friendship experience?

A bad experience can make it scary to try again, and those feelings are valid. But one painful friendship does not mean every future friendship will be the same. You can move slowly, use boundaries, and still stay open to finding good people.

Do all military spouse connections need to become close friendships?

No. Some people may become close friends, while others may simply be part of your weekly rhythm: a neighbor, another parent at practice, someone from church, or a familiar face at the commissary. Those smaller connections can still matter.

How can military spouses find their people?

Military spouses can find friends through local events, spouse groups, book clubs, playgroups, volunteering, faith communities, MWR activities, online groups, and everyday interactions with neighbors or other parents.

When You’re the Default Parent as a Military Spouse

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When Military Life Makes You the Default Parent

Not many of us woke up one morning wanting to solo parent. When we got married, we may have had daydreams of the typical life. After work, mom and dad sit down at the table with the kids. Asking about homework and the day.

As parents, you would split the bedtime routine. One would make sure teeth were brushed, and the other would tuck them in with a story.

But then military life became a reality, and everything changed. And the reality of solo parenting sets in. You became a default parent in so many different ways.

What It Means to Be the Default Parent as a Military Spouse

The truth is, for every family, civilian or military, there is probably a default parent.

One parent works more than the other. Or one works at home, and the other doesn’t. One travels for work, and the other is always home. But add in military life with its deployments and never-ending training. Time apart can be more the norm than not.

Solo parenting is a huge part of it. And the default parent has way too much on their plates.

It can feel so overwhelming at times. Even with a good plan. You are always “on,” and you have to manage everything.

Sure, sometimes they are home, but for a lot of military families it’s just easier to keep things the way they have been. And to always be the default parent.

Making Parenting Decisions Alone

As the default parent, a military spouse might make most of the parenting decisions. The day-to-day ones and the bigger ones.

My husband was deployed to Iraq when I made the decision to get my son tested because I was worried about his speech. I wasn’t able to have a long conversation about it before I started the process. It was more me updating him on what was going on.

I was with my child every day. I knew what he needed, and I knew the process for getting him help. My husband really didn’t at that time.

When Resentment Starts to Build During Military Life

And while we as military spouses know this is how it is going to go, over time resentment can build.

Why do we have to be in charge all the time?

Why do we have to make all the decisions?

When do we get a break?

What is a military spouse to do when being the default parent is just too much?

When You Are the Default Parent as a Military Spouse

Being the default parent during military life can feel heavy. You may be the one making appointments, handling school decisions, managing routines, calming fears, and keeping everything moving while your spouse is away.

  • You are allowed to feel overwhelmed. Solo parenting is hard, even when you knew military life would include time apart.
  • You do not have to do everything alone. Child care, friends, neighbors, military resources, and community support can all help.
  • Your spouse is still the other parent. When possible, let them back into the parenting loop, even if it looks different during deployment or training.
  • Your needs matter too. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. It is part of keeping your family steady.

Give Yourself Grace

First of all, we as military spouses need to give ourselves grace. We may have wanted this life, but we had no idea what it would look like.

I knew my husband would deploy, and I would be a solo parent; I didn’t know that it would be for over a year when I had a 3-year-old and a new baby.

I knew that there would be times we couldn’t communicate, but I didn’t know what that would mean when my two-month-old was admitted to the hospital.

I knew I would have to do a lot alone, but I didn’t know how much that would bring me down at times and how hard it would be when all I really wanted was another supportive adult helping me with my children.

But I also know that as hard as being the default parent as a military spouse is, there are things to do to make it a little bit easier for ourselves. No, we can’t change everything so that our spouse never has to go away or we never have to solo parent, but we can find ways that work for us.

Find Help, Child Care, and Military Resources

There are resources out there that will help military spouses going through periods of solo parenting. You might be the default parent, but you can ask for help, pay for help, and find resources to make things easier for you.

Check out your local CYS for hourly care options. They might even have something like “Friday Night Out” or special Saturdays where they will watch your kids for you. Some of this could be discounted because of rank or deployed status. Even just putting your child in for a few hours a week can be a great help.

You will want to make sure you are taking advantage of what your post or base, or even local community, has to offer.

Find People and Support

I will always tell a deployed spouse to find their people. Why? Because it will help you so much getting through those challenging solo parent days. From having other parents to get together with to finding babysitters, or just having people to vent to. You need it.

I know it can be hard to find friends sometimes, but if you haven’t already, a season of solo parenting is a good time to do it. And friends don’t have to be military spouses either.

When we lived in Kentucky, and I was solo parenting because my husband was in Germany, a new friend invited a lot of us over to her house for dinner every Tuesday since that was the day her husband worked late. It was great for me, since my husband was gone, but also for her.

There are so many different ways to find that support you need when you are the default parent.

“You may be the default parent, but that does not mean you have to carry everything alone.”

Let Your Spouse Into the Parenting Loop

The challenging part is that since we as military spouses go through so many periods of solo parenting, we might not let our partners in, even when we can. We might just keep things to ourselves or not let them know what is going on.

While sometimes that has to be the case, other times it can be helpful to catch them up when you can. Let them know about any decisions you had to make, and even ask them for their advice if you are able to.

No, they might not be at home right now, but they are still the other parent. And they can help in different ways, even if it isn’t the same as they would have if you were a civilian family.

Take Care of Yourself, Too

The #1 thing to remember as the default parent is to always be taking care of yourself. It’s like the mask on an airplane. Put your own mask on first.

Make time for yourself, even if it’s after the kids go to bed and you stay in your own house. Never feel guilty for having your own hobbies, a job, or a group that your kids are not a part of. Find what works for you. With two special needs kids, it was sometimes difficult to take care of myself, but I had to work to figure it out; I knew it was the healthiest thing to do.

Talk to Someone When It Feels Too Heavy

If you need to, please reach out and talk to someone. It could be a professional, as in a therapist, or maybe just a good friend.

It can be easy to think you are the only one going through what you are going through, but that isn’t true. Even if you choose this life, you can still reach out if it gets to be too hard. Solo parenting is difficult, and military spouses need all the help they can get.

Frequently Asked Questions About Being the Default Parent Military Spouse

Why do military spouses often become the default parent?

Military spouses often become the default parent because deployments, training, field time, duty schedules, and moves can take the service member away from home or make their schedule unpredictable.

How can military spouses handle solo parenting burnout?

Military spouses can handle solo parenting burnout by asking for help, using child care resources when available, finding supportive friends, creating routines, letting go of perfection, and reaching out to a counselor or trusted person when things feel too heavy.

How can I include my spouse in parenting while they are away?

When communication allows, keep your spouse updated on major decisions, ask for their thoughts when possible, share school or medical updates, and let them be part of parenting in the ways they can from a distance.

Mistakes New Military Spouses Might Make

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Mistakes New Military Spouses Might Make

Mistakes You Might Make as a New Military Spouse

I was 26 years old when I became a military spouse. Other spouses were a lot younger, and some were even older when they joined this life. No matter how old you were when you became part of a military family, there will be a learning curve. You won’t be able to understand how everything works right away. You might make some mistakes. It’s bound to happen.

Over my time as a military spouse, I have made some mistakes too. Figuring out how the military works takes time.

5 Mistakes New Military Spouses Might Make

Going Over Your Spouse’s Chain of Command

Going over your spouse’s chain of command is a big no-no. You don’t want to do that. Doing so will upset people and could come down to your own spouse getting in trouble. There will be plenty of times when a command comes down, and you will want your spouse to do something about it. Usually, they can’t. Remember that there is a chain of command for a reason. Be respectful of it.

Not Understanding That the Military Comes First

The military has to come first most of the time. Your spouse will have to go where the military sends them. Even major family moments, like having a baby during a deployment, may not change what the military requires. You can ask for them to be sent home, but know that no one has to make that happen for you.

This is one of the hardest things to learn about military life. A good Command will try to help families when they can, but because of the mission, that isn’t always possible.

Not Trying to Make Friends

You are in a new place, trying to get used to your new life. It can be way too easy to stay at home and not try to get out there and make friends. See what you can do to get out of your house and go to places where you can make friends.

Doing this might be scary, especially if you are shy. But I have learned that putting yourself out there will eventually make you friends. Even if it takes a long time. Find things you would enjoy doing anyway and keep trying. Military spouse life is better with friends.

Underestimating the Toll of Military Life

Sometimes it is hard to understand the toll that military life can take on you. As a spouse, a parent, a woman, and a person, you will face many situations that seem impossible when you first hear about them. You need to try to take care of yourself. You need to find ways to smile even if your spouse is gone. To enjoy life even when life is stressful. Remember that military life can take a toll, but the experiences you will go through will also help make you stronger.

Letting Fear Overtake You

There is a lot to be fearful of during military life. Even more so when they are deployed in a war zone. Don’t let that fear overtake you. The reality is, something could happen to your spouse.

However, if you live in fear of that happening every day, it can wear you down quickly. You need to figure out a way to keep your fear in check. That could be different for each person. Some people will find comfort in their religion. Others will have a good friend they can go to and talk about what they are scared of. Figure out how to handle the fear, and don’t let it overtake you.

What New Military Spouses Should Remember

No one becomes an expert at military life overnight. You are allowed to ask questions, make mistakes, learn as you go, and give yourself grace along the way.

  • Military life has a learning curve. You won’t understand everything right away, and that is normal.
  • Friendship matters. Finding people who understand this life can make the hard seasons feel less lonely.
  • Fear is part of the journey, but it does not have to run your life. Find support, talk things through, and focus on what you can control.
  • You will keep growing. Every season of military life teaches you something new about yourself, your marriage, and what you are capable of handling.

Give Yourself Grace as You Learn Military Life

No one is a perfect military spouse. You will make mistakes along the way. But you can learn from them. Your military life is a journey. One in which you will always be growing and learning along the way. Do the best that you can, learn what you can and you will find that you will slowly start to figure everything out.

Frequently Asked Questions About Being a New Military Spouse

Is it normal to feel overwhelmed as a new military spouse?

Yes, it is very normal to feel overwhelmed as a new military spouse. Military life comes with new rules, new expectations, and a lot of uncertainty. Give yourself time to learn how everything works.

What is one mistake new military spouses often make?

One common mistake is thinking you have to understand everything right away. Military life has a learning curve, and most spouses learn through experience, asking questions, and connecting with others who have been there.

How can new military spouses make friends?

New military spouses can make friends by attending spouse events, joining local groups, volunteering, going to community activities, and connecting with others online. It can take time, but putting yourself out there helps.

How can military spouses handle fear during deployment?

Fear during deployment is common. Military spouses can cope by building a support system, staying connected to trusted friends or family, focusing on what they can control, and reaching out for help when fear feels too heavy.