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Finding Friends as a Military Spouse Is Still Really Important

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Finding Friends as a Military Spouse Is Still Really Important

One piece of advice I have given to military spouses time and time again is to find friends, or find your people. Why? Because I think it is so important.

Why Making Friends in Military Life Matters

Making friends in military life matters, even when it’s hard.

And sometimes I know it can be really hard.

It isn’t always easy to be the new person, even in a place with a lot of new people. It isn’t always easy to find the right people. And honestly, some people aren’t very nice. Just check out any military spouse Facebook group to confirm that.

People can be untrustworthy, flaky, or just downright rude. But that doesn’t mean you should stop trying to find your people.

You see, when you have friends, life is much easier, no matter what you are going through. As military spouses, we go through a lot of difficult things. It only makes sense that friends make it easier.

Why Military Spouses Sometimes Give Up on Friendship

Whether it is a bad experience in the past, heartbreaking situations, or just feeling alone even in a room full of people, it can be hard to make finding friends a priority.

Anytime the subject of friends comes up, I hear some people say it just isn’t worth it. That there are too many untrustworthy people out there. That too many people are just looking out for themselves, and it just hurts too much to pursue any type of friendship.

And all of those feelings are valid. It can be scary putting yourself out there.

Closing Yourself Off Can Make Military Life Harder

If you close yourself off from others, you will miss out on community. You will miss out on the potential for close relationships. You will miss out on making memories that will last forever.

I can’t say that I keep in touch with everyone I have ever befriended during my time as a military spouse. That’s just not possible; however, I always have those memories to keep with me in my heart.

From the group of us spouses that met up every Monday at a coffee shop during a deployment, to playdates and playgroups and MOPS meetings when my kids were a lot younger. All of those memories are such a balm to the soul. And they wouldn’t have been possible if I had closed myself off and refused to take that step to meet new people.

“One bad friendship doesn’t mean you should stop looking for your people.”

One Bad Friendship Doesn’t Have to Define Your Future

There have been times during military life when I realized a “friend” really wasn’t. And that stings. I have shed plenty of tears over it.

But, as much as the idea of sitting it out, sticking to my own family, and not even putting a foot in the friendship pool can be appealing. It’s not a long-term solution.

Time goes on, and there are other opportunities and other people to connect with. There is more than one type of person in this world, and taking a chance on meeting someone new can be worth it.

A Reminder About Military Spouse Friendships

Finding your people in military life can take time. One bad experience, one awkward event, or one disappointing friendship does not mean you should close yourself off forever.

  • You are allowed to be careful. Not every person deserves full access to your life right away.
  • You are allowed to try again. A hard friendship experience does not mean every future connection will hurt you.
  • Community matters. Even small connections can make a new duty station or deployment season feel less lonely.
  • Your people are worth looking for. The right friends can help you through the hard parts of military life and make the good parts even better.

Not Every Connection Has to Become a Best Friend

The reality is, not everyone you meet is going to become a best friend or even a friend at all. Some people will just be a part of your community.

Maybe it’s another mother at soccer practice you chat with every Monday and Wednesday. Maybe it’s the cashier at the Commissary, the one you always tend to get who loves to ask you about your day. Maybe it’s a neighbor you always wave to in the morning when you take your dog for a walk.

The truth is, not everyone is best friend material. And that’s okay. Sometimes it is just those little interactions with random people throughout your week that can make a difference.

Keep Looking for the People Who Make Military Life Better

Every military spouse has a choice to make. To be a kind person. To be a part of the community. To move on from the past and work through what is making friendships hard.

But let me tell you, being able to find your people will be worth it. People you can not only spend time with but people you can depend on, through the good stuff and the hard stuff.

So if you are feeling like life would be better if you stick to yourself. If you never want to try, I urge you to rethink that. No, don’t put yourself in a toxic situation, but remember that there is almost always someone new to meet, especially on a military post. There is always something you can join or be a part of.

Anywhere you go in life, you will find good people and not-so-good people. This is true in military and civilian communities.

However, you don’t want to let those not-so-good people cause you to never try to find the people who will enhance your life and help you through the challenges of military life.

Frequently Asked Questions About Military Spouse Friendships

Why is making friends important as a military spouse?

Making friends as a military spouse can help you feel less alone during deployments, PCS moves, parenting seasons, and other challenges of military life. Community can make a new duty station feel more manageable.

What if I had a bad military spouse friendship experience?

A bad experience can make it scary to try again, and those feelings are valid. But one painful friendship does not mean every future friendship will be the same. You can move slowly, use boundaries, and still stay open to finding good people.

Do all military spouse connections need to become close friendships?

No. Some people may become close friends, while others may simply be part of your weekly rhythm: a neighbor, another parent at practice, someone from church, or a familiar face at the commissary. Those smaller connections can still matter.

How can military spouses find their people?

Military spouses can find friends through local events, spouse groups, book clubs, playgroups, volunteering, faith communities, MWR activities, online groups, and everyday interactions with neighbors or other parents.

When You’re the Default Parent as a Military Spouse

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When Military Life Makes You the Default Parent

Not many of us woke up one morning wanting to solo parent. When we got married, we may have had daydreams of the typical life. After work, mom and dad sit down at the table with the kids. Asking about homework and the day.

As parents, you would split the bedtime routine. One would make sure teeth were brushed, and the other would tuck them in with a story.

But then military life became a reality, and everything changed. And the reality of solo parenting sets in. You became a default parent in so many different ways.

What It Means to Be the Default Parent as a Military Spouse

The truth is, for every family, civilian or military, there is probably a default parent.

One parent works more than the other. Or one works at home, and the other doesn’t. One travels for work, and the other is always home. But add in military life with its deployments and never-ending training. Time apart can be more the norm than not.

Solo parenting is a huge part of it. And the default parent has way too much on their plates.

It can feel so overwhelming at times. Even with a good plan. You are always “on,” and you have to manage everything.

Sure, sometimes they are home, but for a lot of military families it’s just easier to keep things the way they have been. And to always be the default parent.

Making Parenting Decisions Alone

As the default parent, a military spouse might make most of the parenting decisions. The day-to-day ones and the bigger ones.

My husband was deployed to Iraq when I made the decision to get my son tested because I was worried about his speech. I wasn’t able to have a long conversation about it before I started the process. It was more me updating him on what was going on.

I was with my child every day. I knew what he needed, and I knew the process for getting him help. My husband really didn’t at that time.

When Resentment Starts to Build During Military Life

And while we as military spouses know this is how it is going to go, over time resentment can build.

Why do we have to be in charge all the time?

Why do we have to make all the decisions?

When do we get a break?

What is a military spouse to do when being the default parent is just too much?

When You Are the Default Parent as a Military Spouse

Being the default parent during military life can feel heavy. You may be the one making appointments, handling school decisions, managing routines, calming fears, and keeping everything moving while your spouse is away.

  • You are allowed to feel overwhelmed. Solo parenting is hard, even when you knew military life would include time apart.
  • You do not have to do everything alone. Child care, friends, neighbors, military resources, and community support can all help.
  • Your spouse is still the other parent. When possible, let them back into the parenting loop, even if it looks different during deployment or training.
  • Your needs matter too. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. It is part of keeping your family steady.

Give Yourself Grace

First of all, we as military spouses need to give ourselves grace. We may have wanted this life, but we had no idea what it would look like.

I knew my husband would deploy, and I would be a solo parent; I didn’t know that it would be for over a year when I had a 3-year-old and a new baby.

I knew that there would be times we couldn’t communicate, but I didn’t know what that would mean when my two-month-old was admitted to the hospital.

I knew I would have to do a lot alone, but I didn’t know how much that would bring me down at times and how hard it would be when all I really wanted was another supportive adult helping me with my children.

But I also know that as hard as being the default parent as a military spouse is, there are things to do to make it a little bit easier for ourselves. No, we can’t change everything so that our spouse never has to go away or we never have to solo parent, but we can find ways that work for us.

Find Help, Child Care, and Military Resources

There are resources out there that will help military spouses going through periods of solo parenting. You might be the default parent, but you can ask for help, pay for help, and find resources to make things easier for you.

Check out your local CYS for hourly care options. They might even have something like “Friday Night Out” or special Saturdays where they will watch your kids for you. Some of this could be discounted because of rank or deployed status. Even just putting your child in for a few hours a week can be a great help.

You will want to make sure you are taking advantage of what your post or base, or even local community, has to offer.

Find People and Support

I will always tell a deployed spouse to find their people. Why? Because it will help you so much getting through those challenging solo parent days. From having other parents to get together with to finding babysitters, or just having people to vent to. You need it.

I know it can be hard to find friends sometimes, but if you haven’t already, a season of solo parenting is a good time to do it. And friends don’t have to be military spouses either.

When we lived in Kentucky, and I was solo parenting because my husband was in Germany, a new friend invited a lot of us over to her house for dinner every Tuesday since that was the day her husband worked late. It was great for me, since my husband was gone, but also for her.

There are so many different ways to find that support you need when you are the default parent.

“You may be the default parent, but that does not mean you have to carry everything alone.”

Let Your Spouse Into the Parenting Loop

The challenging part is that since we as military spouses go through so many periods of solo parenting, we might not let our partners in, even when we can. We might just keep things to ourselves or not let them know what is going on.

While sometimes that has to be the case, other times it can be helpful to catch them up when you can. Let them know about any decisions you had to make, and even ask them for their advice if you are able to.

No, they might not be at home right now, but they are still the other parent. And they can help in different ways, even if it isn’t the same as they would have if you were a civilian family.

Take Care of Yourself, Too

The #1 thing to remember as the default parent is to always be taking care of yourself. It’s like the mask on an airplane. Put your own mask on first.

Make time for yourself, even if it’s after the kids go to bed and you stay in your own house. Never feel guilty for having your own hobbies, a job, or a group that your kids are not a part of. Find what works for you. With two special needs kids, it was sometimes difficult to take care of myself, but I had to work to figure it out; I knew it was the healthiest thing to do.

Talk to Someone When It Feels Too Heavy

If you need to, please reach out and talk to someone. It could be a professional, as in a therapist, or maybe just a good friend.

It can be easy to think you are the only one going through what you are going through, but that isn’t true. Even if you choose this life, you can still reach out if it gets to be too hard. Solo parenting is difficult, and military spouses need all the help they can get.

Frequently Asked Questions About Being the Default Parent Military Spouse

Why do military spouses often become the default parent?

Military spouses often become the default parent because deployments, training, field time, duty schedules, and moves can take the service member away from home or make their schedule unpredictable.

How can military spouses handle solo parenting burnout?

Military spouses can handle solo parenting burnout by asking for help, using child care resources when available, finding supportive friends, creating routines, letting go of perfection, and reaching out to a counselor or trusted person when things feel too heavy.

How can I include my spouse in parenting while they are away?

When communication allows, keep your spouse updated on major decisions, ask for their thoughts when possible, share school or medical updates, and let them be part of parenting in the ways they can from a distance.

Mistakes New Military Spouses Might Make

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Mistakes New Military Spouses Might Make

Mistakes You Might Make as a New Military Spouse

I was 26 years old when I became a military spouse. Other spouses were a lot younger, and some were even older when they joined this life. No matter how old you were when you became part of a military family, there will be a learning curve. You won’t be able to understand how everything works right away. You might make some mistakes. It’s bound to happen.

Over my time as a military spouse, I have made some mistakes too. Figuring out how the military works takes time.

5 Mistakes New Military Spouses Might Make

Going Over Your Spouse’s Chain of Command

Going over your spouse’s chain of command is a big no-no. You don’t want to do that. Doing so will upset people and could come down to your own spouse getting in trouble. There will be plenty of times when a command comes down, and you will want your spouse to do something about it. Usually, they can’t. Remember that there is a chain of command for a reason. Be respectful of it.

Not Understanding That the Military Comes First

The military has to come first most of the time. Your spouse will have to go where the military sends them. Even major family moments, like having a baby during a deployment, may not change what the military requires. You can ask for them to be sent home, but know that no one has to make that happen for you.

This is one of the hardest things to learn about military life. A good Command will try to help families when they can, but because of the mission, that isn’t always possible.

Not Trying to Make Friends

You are in a new place, trying to get used to your new life. It can be way too easy to stay at home and not try to get out there and make friends. See what you can do to get out of your house and go to places where you can make friends.

Doing this might be scary, especially if you are shy. But I have learned that putting yourself out there will eventually make you friends. Even if it takes a long time. Find things you would enjoy doing anyway and keep trying. Military spouse life is better with friends.

Underestimating the Toll of Military Life

Sometimes it is hard to understand the toll that military life can take on you. As a spouse, a parent, a woman, and a person, you will face many situations that seem impossible when you first hear about them. You need to try to take care of yourself. You need to find ways to smile even if your spouse is gone. To enjoy life even when life is stressful. Remember that military life can take a toll, but the experiences you will go through will also help make you stronger.

Letting Fear Overtake You

There is a lot to be fearful of during military life. Even more so when they are deployed in a war zone. Don’t let that fear overtake you. The reality is, something could happen to your spouse.

However, if you live in fear of that happening every day, it can wear you down quickly. You need to figure out a way to keep your fear in check. That could be different for each person. Some people will find comfort in their religion. Others will have a good friend they can go to and talk about what they are scared of. Figure out how to handle the fear, and don’t let it overtake you.

What New Military Spouses Should Remember

No one becomes an expert at military life overnight. You are allowed to ask questions, make mistakes, learn as you go, and give yourself grace along the way.

  • Military life has a learning curve. You won’t understand everything right away, and that is normal.
  • Friendship matters. Finding people who understand this life can make the hard seasons feel less lonely.
  • Fear is part of the journey, but it does not have to run your life. Find support, talk things through, and focus on what you can control.
  • You will keep growing. Every season of military life teaches you something new about yourself, your marriage, and what you are capable of handling.

Give Yourself Grace as You Learn Military Life

No one is a perfect military spouse. You will make mistakes along the way. But you can learn from them. Your military life is a journey. One in which you will always be growing and learning along the way. Do the best that you can, learn what you can and you will find that you will slowly start to figure everything out.

Frequently Asked Questions About Being a New Military Spouse

Is it normal to feel overwhelmed as a new military spouse?

Yes, it is very normal to feel overwhelmed as a new military spouse. Military life comes with new rules, new expectations, and a lot of uncertainty. Give yourself time to learn how everything works.

What is one mistake new military spouses often make?

One common mistake is thinking you have to understand everything right away. Military life has a learning curve, and most spouses learn through experience, asking questions, and connecting with others who have been there.

How can new military spouses make friends?

New military spouses can make friends by attending spouse events, joining local groups, volunteering, going to community activities, and connecting with others online. It can take time, but putting yourself out there helps.

How can military spouses handle fear during deployment?

Fear during deployment is common. Military spouses can cope by building a support system, staying connected to trusted friends or family, focusing on what they can control, and reaching out for help when fear feels too heavy.