survival mode

It’s been a long time since my husband deployed. He’s been retired for about 2.5 years now, so we haven’t had to deal with any military training in a while. Because of that, and because I run a military spouse blog, it is still on my mind.

I think about the deployments we went through, and why they were challenging to me. Some more than others. I think about how that first deployment was extended and ended up being 15 months total. I think about our last deployment and how it came at the worst possible time in our lives for me to be a solo parent, right after my son’s autism diagnosis.

Part of me wonders how I got through it all. The other wonders what I could have done to make it easier for myself back then. I hate to think about my past with a bunch of “what-ifs,” but I also can’t help but think about those military deployments, seasons of solo parenting, and my own mental health.

I wonder, can anyone really handle being a military spouse? Why did I struggle so much? What does this mean for military spouses and their mental health?

Military Spouse Life Can Put You in Survival Mode

The truth is, military spouse life can and does put military spouses in survival mode. Solo parenting, constant moves, uncertainty. It’s so much to deal with.

Without a strong village, things can fall apart quite fast.

And not everyone handles it the same way. Years of living in survival mode can really hit a person hard. Even with a strong support system.

Solo Parenting During Deployment Is More Than Just Being Busy

Being both mom and dad to children takes a toll. But it is more than just doing everything. It means being the only one who can consistently be there for your kids. It’s about figuring out every aspect of everything your children might need. It’s about not having a partner to take over during the harder times, and help you work through problems you need to deal with.

When my husband deployed for the first time, I had a two-year-old, and I was 25 weeks pregnant with my second child. I had no idea what I was in for. We were in Germany, too many miles away for a quick visit back home.

We somehow got through a 15-month deployment. But not without a lot of tears, and I will wonder to this day what my children missed out on by having their Dad gone that long. I will always wonder what I could have done to make that time easier for myself, and maybe better for my children.

However, I know I did what I could. I made plans with friends all of the time. I had my own hobbies, and I binged-watched a ton of TV before streaming was a thing – thank you to the DVDs at the on-post library.

When Parenting Needs Become More Complicated

When we started our military journey, we had a one-year-old. Over the years, we not only grew our family but also added some diagnoses. Autism, developmental delays, and anxiety. And that made everything a lot more complicated.

What do you do when things do become more complicated? Things you never saw coming.

This is when finding extra support and a good community matters. This is when you need to find your people more than ever. This is when you have to give yourself more grace than you ever have before.

When my parenting needs got more difficult, my husband started deploying. And yes, that complicated things for me. Was this why I struggled so much at times? Was this why solo parenting seemed to hit me harder than it did others? Possibly.

I don’t want to compare hard, but I did have a lot to deal with, and I dealt with most of it with a husband in a war zone.

The Mental Load Military Spouses Carry

As military spouses, we carry a lot. We carry the household, the budget, connecting with our families of origin, the children, the pets, the mortgage, the cars, the broken things, the stressful things, the mundane things. Most of it falls to us, and sometimes that mental load is too much.

We have to find ways to break it up, to delegate, and to organize. We find friends to share some of it with, or to vent with. We try to keep it together for our spouse overseas. But still…we can break down from it all.

And as I look back, I think about how it was all a little too much. And yes, maybe that all comes with the territory of being a military spouse? Maybe it has to be like this for us, “because of the mission,” but still, it is never easy, and acknowledging that might be half the battle.

Why “Strong” Isn’t Always the Compliment People Think It Is

We are military spouses; we are strong, right? “Oh Julie, you are so strong!” I have been told that many times over the years. And maybe I am, but maybe it’s because there is no other option.

What was I going to do when my husband was deployed, and I had three little kids at home? It was his job, and they said he had to go. Then again, not everyone can make it through.

Military spouses can and do experience higher rates of anxiety and depression, and those struggles deserve to be taken seriously.

Mental health can be a big issue for military spouses. According to a HealthyWomen article on military spouse mental health, 1 out of 8 military spouses screened positive for a major depressive episode, and 1 out of 6 experienced generalized anxiety. Those rates were nearly double the general population and similar to those of service members after combat.

Maybe we can’t do everything we are required to do. Not without some type of consequence. And not without extra help.

What the Military Community Can Do Better

We have all heard the saying, “If the military wanted you to have a wife, they would have issued you one…” but what should the modern military be doing to accommodate spouses? Mental health struggles are real, so what can really be done to help struggling military spouses while still allowing for the mission? Which, let’s face it, at the end of the day, is what seems to matter the most. Spouse or no spouse.

What can the military community really do to help? When I see some of the hateful things that can come from the community, I wonder what really can be done about that. What can the civilian community around military bases do to help? What can anyone really do?

What causes a military spouse to have a hard time? How does it move from “this is quite annoying” to “I am not sure I can get through the months ahead!” So much to think about!

What I Understand Now That I Didn’t Then

It is so easy to look back on my life and make a list of all the things I did wrong. Maybe I should have done this, maybe I should have done that. But in doing that, I am not being fair to myself.

I was living my life, dealing with stressful situations, and situations I had never experienced before. Sure, I had expectations about military life and solo parenting, but I really had no idea what it would be like until I was going through it.

I can see now, with the benefit of time, that I did the best I could. And I think most military spouses are as well. We take what we are given and try to make the best of it.

Taking Care of Your Mental Health as a Military Spouse

But can the US military sustain this way of life? Are there ways in which they need to “catch up” to a more modern way of doing things?

Over time, more and more spouses don’t want to stay at home as their earlier counterparts did. Military spouses have so many amazing careers now. They don’t want to move as often. They’re also more aware of what they need to do to support their mental health.

Because, really, that is what this all boils down to. Military spouses and their mental health. Military spouses and how they handle the challenges they face. Military spouses and how they can balance the stresses that military life brings.

I don’t know the solution. More resources available to those on post? Better planned-out deployment schedules? Moving every 5 years instead of 2-3? More counselors? Better pay? The list goes on and on.

Military OneSource Counseling: https://www.militaryonesource.mil/benefits/confidential-counseling/

Veterans/Military Crisis Line: https://www.militaryonesource.mil/benefits/veterans-crisis-line/

Be part of your community, step out of your comfort zone and make a new friend, be kind to others, and when things get hard, get creative.

There isn’t one simple solution to get through military life, but I strongly believe in trying different things until we figure out what works. If one thing doesn’t, try another.

Military life can be hard, and sometimes it can leave marks long after the deployment is over. It is okay to say that. It is okay to admit that you struggled. It is okay to look back and realize you were doing the best you could with what you were given.

Have the difficult conversations. Ask for help. Use the resources available to you. Find your people. Try one thing, and if that doesn’t work, try something else.

You are not weak because military life felt hard. You are human. And your mental health matters too.